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View Full Version : Writing Challenge 6: Ends on 6/27


Steven Forbes
06-06-2015, 07:32 AM
It’s time for another writing contest!

This time, though I’ve decided to do this a little differently. There are going to be five of them.

These will all be no longer than five pages. Check the individual threads for what the particulars of those challenges will be.

Here’s the twist: if I can get five scripts in all five challenges, then I’ll write a script per challenge myself.

Why are you still here? Get to the others!

Challenge 3: Comedy

“That’s what she said” must be in the dialogue
A green beetle must be an object
A mall must be a location

crognus
06-12-2015, 01:47 AM
I should probably try to do this one. I'm too inclined to write depressing stories, almost to the point I should probably just take to sitting in my room, putting on eye-liner and listening to Simple Plan all day.

Kiyoko, Rin
06-26-2015, 08:20 PM
Therapy, by Rin Kiyoko

Page 1 (6 panels)

1.1 – Daytime. Exterior of a shopping mall, part of which is under heavy renovation, with a construction crew and builders in high vis vests working opposite the shoppers. There must be a JCB (http://www.southcountry.ca/uploads/mce/web%20wheel%20loader%20tm320.png) visible.

Caption: “… she said I’d never let anything slide, that I’m so anally retentive I’d throw her words back in her face after weeks of them festering inside me…”

1.2 Interior of the mall. In the central background, on the second level, the Dr’s office is the central focus that draws the eye (use leading sightlines, and mute every colour except the door). At ground level, the builders (one very brawny and prominent) ply their trade around scaffolding. NOTE: there needs to be a wide ramp accessing all levels; no stairs.

Caption:
“… she said I was pompous. Condescending. Like I had an enormous stick up my arse – that’s what she said, her exact words. ‘Stick up my arse’!”

1.3 – The Dr’s door is the main attraction, but we need to be able to see: there’s enough platform in front of the door to house a small crowd and the JCB; the Con sign at panel left.

KEFF (EMANATING DIALOGUE):
Keff Arsis: ‘pompous’?! Moi?!

TEXT (sign):
Carrel-Con

TEXT (Dr’s door)
Dr. Delvus Procter, MD
Pscychiatrist

1.4. Inside Proctor’s office. Keff (you choose his physicality. He’s wearing a suit, tie and shoes) lies on a leather psychiatrist’s couch, shrugging. The couch has to point to the door, with the headrest farthest from the entrance. Dr Proctor writes on a notepad. He shouldn’t be fully revealed in this panel, just part of his body and the notepad.

KEFF:
She also said I had a whole host of bugbears and annoying habits.

KEFF:
So, whattaya reckon, Doc? What’s the verdict?

1.5 – Close up of the Dr’s clipboard.

DOC (OP):
My best advice to you now, Mr Arsis…

TEXT (notepad) (handwriting):
Anal festering *
Stick up arse *
Bugs and bears involved?
* all Gluteus Maximus related


1.6. Close up of Dr’s face. Early 40s, a full moustache, should be utterly grave and in no panel show any sign of a sense of humour or sense of irony.

DOC:
… is not to worry. Put yourself in my hands. I’ll get to the root of this problem.

Page 2 (6 panels)
2.1 – Wearing a surgical operating gown, an uncertain Keff lies on his back, on the couch, his legs spread and resting in stirrups. Doc is bent over, his head between Keff’s legs. We can’t see his face.

KEFF:
Uh, Doc…? Are you sure--

DOC:
Trust me. I have an MD. We’ll find this bug, somehow.

2.2 – Looking at us at the end of a flesh-coloured tunnel, Doc squints, shining one of those triangular lights Drs use to look into your ears. He wears surgical gloves.

DOC:
Aha! Found the little critter.

2.3 – Side on view of Keff’s right hip. Doc’s posture, and position relative to Keff, his straining face, tongue extended, should convey Doc’s left arm is inside Keff up to the elbow.

DOC:
Good heavens! It is lodged in deep!

2.4 – Keff’s subjective point of view, looking down his body and between his raised knees. Dr, still wearing the surgical gloves, is opening the door, his back to us.

KEFF:
Wh – where you going?

DOC:
I need help. This is a two man job. Brute strength is required.

2.5 – Keff’s subjective point of view, looking down his body and between his raised knees. The door has been left ajar. We can see Doc’s trailing leg past the doorway as he walks off panel to the right.

DOC (OP):
Hello, ma’am. I have an MD. Can I ask for your assistance with something?

KEFF (OP):
But…

2.6 – Close up of the moist inner door handle.

DOC (OP):
Ma’am, please, this is no laughing matter!

KEFF (OP):
… he didn’t even wash his hands.

Page 3 (6 panels)
3.1 – Doc leans over the guard rail, yelling towards the construction workers two floors down. They’re looking up at Doc, surprised.

DOC (loud):
Builder! I need your help!

BUILDER (loud):
To do what?

DOC (loud):
Invertebrate extrication!

3.2 – Doc’s shouting face. In the background, people are shocked. Two characters’ heads (“SC1” and “SC2”) are poking out from Carrel-Con, looking intrigued. Push the comedic exaggeration of their reactions. NOTE: feel free to draw some of the crowd in Steve Carrel themed cosplay – especially Michael Scott.

BUILDER (OP) (LOUD):
Do what now?

DOC (BURST):
Invertebrate extrication! - Pull a bug from Keff Arsis’s rectum!

SC1:
Aw, man, I gotta see this.

3.3 – Keff’s subjective point of view, looking along his outward-leaning shins and feet, at either side of the panel. Between them, in the background, SC1 and SC2 have popped their heads around the door to Doc’s office and look curious, staring at us. Use motion lines around their heads.

NO COPY

3.4 – Keff’s subjective point of view, looking along his inwards leaning shins, the toes intertwined with mortification. SC1 and SC2 are both horrified.

DOC (OP):
It’s this way!

3.5 – Keff’s subjective point of view, looking along his inwards leaning shins. His hand is outstretched, blocking our view of most of his feet. Doc, the brawny builder, SC1 and SC2 and as many other people as you want to draw, all look into the office, their expressions horrified (with the exception of Doc, who still look serious).

BUILDER:
Sweet lord in heaven! I haven’t seen anything like that since Kim Kardashian!

3.6 – Close up of builder’s worried, sweaty face.

BUILDER: Not sure my strength’ll cut it. I’m gonna need some major tools for this job!

Page 4 (4 panels)
Panel 1. Cross sectional view looking through the wall of Doc’s office. Keff, grimacing in comically exaggerated agony, lies flat on the couch, legs spread in the stirrups. From his rectum, pincered between the jaws of the JCB, an enormous, impossibly large green beetle is being removed. Think “the-satellite”-from-South-Park’s-Cartman-Gets-An-Anal-Probe-episode big. A crowd is gathered outside.

CROWD 1:
…ever seen anything like it?

CROWD 2:
Not since Richard Gere’s last cleansing.

CROWD 3:
It’s so big! How did it even get in there?

CROWD 4:
It’s the goldfish effect. A small fish in a small pond becomes a big fish in the ocean.

Panels 2-4.
All feature the builder in the background, manipulating the levers of the JCB. In the foreground, SC1 and SC2 will titter to each other.

BUILDER:
Panel 2) It’s more than I can fit between the jaws. I’m having trouble getting the teeth around it.
Panel 2) If I pull too hard, it might explode!
Panel 3) I’m giving it all I’ve got, but it’s just not coming off!
Panel 4) When we yank it out, it’s gonna know it’s had a good licking!

SC1: [NOTE: This balloon has a blue border, and should follow the 4 lines above.]
*

Page 5 (8 panels)
Panel 1. Keff sits upright on the couch, hands braced ready to push himself up. His expression is exhausted but relieved. He still wears the surgical gown.

CAPTION:
One successful removal later…

KEFF:
It’s out, I can’t believe it! I feel like a new man!

Panel 2. Full body shot of Keff from behind. He’s unsteady on his feet, his posture isn’t fully erect. His anus has prolapsed, and dangles like a floppy tail halfway to his knees.

KEFF:
Hang on, baby! Now that it’s out of me, I’m a coming for you!

Panel 3. Close up of Keff’s bewildered face.

Panel 4. Seen from behind, Keff’s panicked face is turned around to stare over his shoulder. The anal sleeve is bulging at the bottom; something is falling through.

Panel 5. Keff’s guts have fallen out. They lie in a tapered, steaming mound beneath his gaping anus.

Panel 6. Close up of Keff’s pained face.

Panel 7. Close up of Keff’s face, the expression distorted due to subsidence.

Panel 8. Rearward view of Keff. The legs are upright, the entire rest of his upper body has fallen out of his bottom, and his skull now rests between his hips. You can decide what’s happened to his arms.

CROWD (OP):
What a horrible, sticky mess!

SC1 (OP): [NOTE: same blue border from before]
*That’s what she said!

Schuyler
06-27-2015, 12:15 PM
Okay, I laughed at this one, Rin. When I got to the Doc's notes in particular.

The ending is really bad, though. It's just gruesome, dude.

-Sky

Kiyoko, Rin
06-27-2015, 02:50 PM
Okay, I laughed at this one, Rin. When I got to the Doc's notes in particular.

The ending is really bad, though. It's just gruesome, dude.

-Sky

Having Googled "anal prolapse", and actually seeing real life cases of the same, then yeah, it's nothing to laugh about. (There's one prolapse where there are maggots in there. Freaking. Maggots.) As an 8 panel last page is a no-no anyway, and seeing as I may have over-emphasised the gore, I'll change it later to have his upper body falling through, no gore. With the right expression, and his trapped hands jutting to either side, that would be a funny ending, imo.

Schuyler
06-27-2015, 03:37 PM
Having Googled "anal prolapse", and actually seeing real life cases of the same, then yeah, it's nothing to laugh about. (There's one prolapse where there are maggots in there. Freaking. Maggots.) As an 8 panel last page is a no-no anyway, and seeing as I may have over-emphasised the gore, I'll change it later to have his upper body falling through, no gore. With the right expression, and his trapped hands jutting to either side, that would be a funny ending, imo.

I think the ending you just described would be funnier.

I have a very vulgar friend who often talks about the pink sock. It is a little bit of a laughing matter.

-Sky

Schuyler
06-27-2015, 03:57 PM
I would like to add some wisdom about researching anal prolapses.

The same friend shared it with me when I told him I had never seen 'two girls and a cup'.

He said,

"Sky the internet will always be there, and you can always go watch that video, but once you watch it, you will never be able to un-watch it."-Kabby