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View Full Version : Writing Challenge 4: Ends on 6/27


Steven Forbes
06-06-2015, 07:30 AM
It’s time for another writing contest!

This time, though I’ve decided to do this a little differently. There are going to be five of them.

These will all be no longer than five pages. Check the individual threads for what the particulars of those challenges will be.

Here’s the twist: if I can get five scripts in all five challenges, then I’ll write a script per challenge myself.

Why are you still here? Get to the others!


Challenge 1: Superhero Sadness

This one is straight up superheroes. Basically, the superhero has to fail.
The word “forsooth” has to be in the dialogue
There has to be a fish somewhere (take that as you will)
A knitted sweater must be an object
This has to end on a sad note

Alyssa
06-11-2015, 10:08 PM
Got this one plotted out. Just gotta write it, now.

Alyssa, the "not fussed on superheroes" girl, is writing a superhero script.

crognus
06-12-2015, 01:42 AM
Nope, not doing this one. Do too much of this genre already. Haha.

Schuyler
06-18-2015, 04:10 PM
I wrote a script for this one, but I did not meet the entire challenge. I may still post it once I flesh it out a little more and add character descriptions.

-Sky

Hathor422
06-22-2015, 05:21 PM
S.R.S

Superhero Retirement Squad



Characters

Phaze: 34, Male, Mixed Race/African American and Caucasian. A fourth generation hero that can make his body intangible as well as increase his molecular density. Younger brother of Ramjet.

Ramjet: 36, Male, Mixed Race/African American and Caucasian. A fourth generation hero that has super strength, speed, invulnerability, and flight.

Bolt: 33, Male, Polynesian. A third generation hero with super speed. Cousin to Jolt.

Jolt: 33, Male, Polynesian. A third generation hero with the power to teleport. Cousin to Bolt.

Radio Control aka. RC: 35, Female, British/Caucasian. A fourth generation hero with a host of mental abilities.

Zephyr: 38, Male, Caucasian. A third generation hero with wind powers that allow him flight, among other things.

Hydro: 29, Female, Caucasian. Hydro is a powerful super villain and nemesis to Zephyr. She has water manipulation abilities.

Deputy Carlson: 54, Male, African American. Senior officer on the scene.

Deputy Manning: 29, Male, Caucasian. Off duty officer that is second on the scene.






Page One (6 Panels)

Panel One: We are looking at a large flatscreen tv. On the screen we can see a female newscaster, CINDY COVINGTON, sitting at her desk, holding a small stack of papers, as she stares forward at her audience. On a screen behind her we can see RAMJET and HYDRO fighting in a rural area. Ramjet is flying through a grey, storm cloud filled sky, heading toward Hydro, who is standing atop a column of water, ready to deliver a punch, with a fist that is covered in water.

CAPTION: “The world knows who we are. Our faces sell newspapers, and our exploits keep people glued to their tvs. Whenever we save a life our names become trending topics on Twitter and Facebook. ”

CINDY COVINGTON (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM TV): This is Cindy Covington, interrupting your regularly scheduled program with live drone footage of an altercation between the superhero known as Ramjet, and the criminal that calls herself, Hydro.

Panel Two: We are looking past a rear view of PHAZE, who is seated on his couch watching tv. We can only see the edges of the tv, but can see Hydro flying back, as if she has been hit. On the wall behind the tv we can see various pictures of different people. Some men, some women, but because of the distance, we can’t make out the features very well. We can see one picture of two men standing beside each other, but again, can’t make out the faces. None of them are in uniform, but rather ordinary clothes.

CINDY COVINGTON (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM TV): Our affiliates report that this is happening on the outskirts of small town called, McKirkelville, about eighty miles west of Metro City.

Panel Three: Waist-up, straight-on view of Phaze as he holds up his cellphone, with a finger pressed to the touch screen. He’s looking straight ahead in the direction of the tv, not at the phone.

CAPTION: “We superheroes save the day and the public loves us for it. But would they, if they knew what happens when the cameras stop rolling?”

SFX: MUSIC NOTES COMING FROM THE CELL.

SFX (COMING FROM PHONE): I NEED A HERO!

Panel Four: Same as previous panel, but now Phaze has the phone held to his ear.

CAPTION: “Would the friend requests stop coming if people knew that sometimes even the best of us can have a bad day? That the strongest of us can crack.”

MOM (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM PHONE): Sammy, it’s Mom. Turn on the news.

PHAZE: I’m watching, Mom. Ramjet is really giving it to Hydro.

Panel Five: This panel is the tv screen. The footage of Ramjet and Hydro is being shown. Hydro is in the process of swinging her fist at Ramjet, who swinging a fist, also. A huge, body-sized fist made of water that is connected to the column of water underneath Hydro, is coming at Ramjet, also. Behind Hydro we can also see a bolt of lightning shooting from a storm cloud, heading for Ramjet.

NO COPY

Panel 6: This panel is a black box with a small white circle in the center, as if the tv just went dark.

CAPTION: “Would they hate us if they knew that when a superhero breaks, we stay broken?”

CINDY COVINGTON (ELECTRONIC VOICE OFF PANEL): I'm afraid we're expecting technical difficulties and have lost video feed from the drone.

CINDY COVINGTON (CONT. ELECTRONIC VOICE OFF PANEL): We'll be back after a short commercial break.

PHAZE (OFF PANEL): Mom, I've gotta go.




Page Two (5 Panels)

Panel One: We are on the main street of a small, rural town looking at a row of red brick shops. We can see a bakery, SWEET EATS, a drug store, MAHAFFEY’S, and in the middle of the two, a pet shop, FURBABIES. The windows have been shattered on all three of the stores, there are broken bricks and debris on the sidewalk, dust in the air. Mahaffey’s has the most damage that we can see. Huge chunks of the visible walls have been destroyed. The door has been knocked off its hinges. The signs for all three shops are hanging by one chain, sideways. On the sidewalk and in the street we can see 4-5 people, a mix of men and women, who are in the process of running away from the destruction. The people are dressed for cool weather. They are bleeding, and have cuts and scrapes on them.

BLEEDING RUNNING MAN 1: Get the sheriff, we’re under attack!

BLEEDING RUNNING WOMAN: Help!

BLEEDING RUNNING MAN 2: Get out of the way!

Panel Two: Angled, rear view. We are in the street behind two of the runners, looking at them go. Past them we can see a squad car with its lights flashing, parked in the center of the road. The driver, DEPUTY CARLSON, is standing next to the car, and is in the process of closing the door.
*NOTE TO ARTIST: He should be wearing a wide-brim hat as part of his uniform.

SFX (COMING FROM SQUAD CAR): WHOOH-WHOOH-WHOOH

CARLSON: Get home, people!

CARLSON (CONT): Lock your doors and stay there!

Panel Three: Profile view. We are outside of the shops and can just see the front of the parked squad car. Coming from the left is Deputy Carlson, who has almost reached the door of Furbabies. He has one hand on his holster, and is pushing back his hat with the other hand. Coming from the right is DEPUTY MANNING, who is mid-stride, running, and is not a uniform but wearing his weapon.

DEPUTY CARLSON: You got here quick.

DEPUTY MANNING: I was fishing down at ol’ man McKirkle’s.

DEPUTY MANNING (CONT): Is this really a S.C.D?

Panel Four: We are inside of the shop, looking past Ramjet. He is on his knees, with his head hung forward. This is a very close view that only allows us to see a 4th of his body, at the most. We can see Carlson standing in the open door with a hand across his eyes as he looks into the darkness. We can’t see much of Carlson’s face as his back is to the light.

DEPUTY CARLSON: Don’t know yet. I--

Panel Five: This is the largest panel on the page. We are looking at a full body shot of Ramjet, on his knees in the center of a small crater in a tiled floor. His eyes are wild with unshed tears. He has the mangled body of a little girl, no older than 5, in his arms. She is wearing a pink, knit sweater with a large butterfly on one shoulder. Close to them, on the ground we can see the remains of a broken goldfish bowl, with two dead fish among the glass.
*Note to Artist: The girl’s body should be mangled so that even a seasoned cop would be shaken.

DEPUTY CARLSON (OFF PANEL WHISPER): Sweet baby Jesus.

RAMJET: She’s okay, right?

RAMJET (CONT): I’m a hero, and I save people, so she’s got to be okay.


Page Three (6 Panels)

Panel One: This is close-up of Carlson’s head as he vomits.

SFX: BLEEECCCCK

Panel Two: We are outside of the shop, Carlson is leaned over with on hand on his stomach. With his other he has reached up and grabbed Manning’s arm to stop him from going inside.

DEPUTY CARLSON: No, son. *Groan* You don’t wanna go in there.

DEPUTY CARLSON (CONT): My car. Get on the horn and call the sheriff. Tell ‘em we have confirmed superhero collateral damage, with property loss...and four civilian deaths.

Panel Three: We are behind the squad car, looking past it as Manning heads toward it. We can see both sides of the street and at the far end, a stop light. There is a truck there, about to head into the danger zone. Carlson is looking toward the truck. While we can see shops across from the main three, we can’t make out what type they are.

DEPUTY MANNING: Yes, sir.

Panel Four: Rear view of Carlson, standing in the middle of the road with his hands up.

DEPUTY CARLSON: Sorry, the road is closed! Turn around and go home!

Panel Five: Slightly-angled, front view of Manning, who is standing in the open door of the squad car, talking on a police radio, holding a finger up, as if he is telling someone to wait a minute. Behind him we can see three more squad cars, there are 6 officers standing near their open doors.

DEPUTY MANNING: That’s right, sheriff, four.

SHERIFF (COMING FROM RADIO): Alright, I’ll get on the line with the governor. This is his call.

SHERIFF (CONT. COMING FROM RADIO): In the meantime, barricade downtown. Check the shops and make sure they’re empty. If someone has a cellphone, tablet, anything at all, confiscate it. This is a total blackout.

Panel Six: Largest Panel. This is an aerial view of the downtown area. We can see that the block with the shops was just one of two blocks. In all we can see the main road, as well as an intersecting road between the two blocks of buildings. People are here and there on the street and sidewalk of the other block, all looking toward the action. Some of the people are holding phones in the air, obviously taking photos. Some officers are pulling orange and yellow barricades from the trunks of the cars, while some are walking toward the people. Behind the three cars, we can see even more police have arrived.

OFFICER HEADING TOWARD THE PEOPLE: Sorry, folks, I’m gonna have to take those.

RANDOM WOMAN: I don’t think so. This is my private property.

OFFICER HEADING TOWARD THE PEOPLE: Don’t sass me, now. Just hand it over. All of you, hand them over!



Page Four (7 Panels)

Panel One:This is an overhead view of ZEPHYR flying through the air.

SFX: WHOOOOM

Panel Two: Pulled back view of the area in front of Furbabies. We can see BOLT standing in the road in front of the shop, with motion lines and a few faded images to show that he just ran there. We can also see JOLT standing next to RC. There is a cloud of smoke around them to show that they teleported in. In the center of the group there is Zephyr, who has just make a three point landing. We can’t see any officers or other people at all.

CAPTION: Twenty minutes after Ramjet fought Hydro.

SFX: SWOOSH

BOLT: Alright, all news trucks in the area are now out of commission.

SFX: FWAAP

JOLT: RC and I have gotten all the injured to the hospital.

SFX: SWMAACK

ZEPHYR: The no fly zone is in place, so we’re ready.

Panel Three: This is a closer, profile view of Zephyr, who is now standing and looking back with surprise. Behind him we can see a semi-transparent Phaze, who looks as if he is stepping out of Zephyr’s body.

PHAZE: Not quite all of us, but as soon as I’m solid we will be.

ZEPHYR: Phaze?! How--

PHAZE: The news. You never watch. I knew you’d try to leave me out, so I hitched a ride.

Panel Four: Aerial view of the block. We can now see that the officers are standing guard at the blockades, all of them standing at attention. RC is has a hand on Phaze’s shoulder. Jolt is looking toward Furbabies.

RC: You don’t have to be here for this, Phaze.

PHAZE: The squad is five members, not four, besides, we don’t know if he’s gone. Have you taken care of the locals?

RC: *Sigh* Yes, I’ve seized their minds and wiped the town. The world will know only the cover story we present the media.

Panel Five: We are looking at the group of heroes, who are gathered in a semi-circle with Phaze in the center. Phaze has a hand on his chin. All of them are wearing grim expressions.

JOLT: Alright, RC, give us some good news.

Panel Six: This panel consists of an inset, which is of RC’s, totally black, left eye. The remainder of the panel is the rest of her face. Her right eye is wide and filled with tears, and she has her hands over her mouth, as if to keep from screaming out loud.

RC (SHAKY TEXT): The shock wave from his crash killed everyone inside. He-he thinks the girl is his daughter. She’s wearing a sweater just like the one Rya wore at her last birthday party.

RC (CONT. SHAKY TEXT): His mind is broken. There is no coming back from where he’s gone.



Page Five (7 Panels)

Panel One: This is a profile view of Phaze, as he takes a step toward the shop. Zephyr has grabbed his arm to stop him. The other heroes are looking to toward the ground, all of them crying.

ZEPHYR: Phaze-Sammy, you don’t have to do this.

ZEPHYR (CONT): One of us can retire him.

Panel Two: Rear view of Phaze, who is right at the door of the shop, looking back toward his friends as he pulls his mask off.

PHAZE: He’ got super speed, strength, can fly, and he’s damn near invulnerable. No mental institution or prison will ever be able to hold him.

PHAZE (CONT.): And If he thinks Rya is hurt, he’ll give his all to protect her. I’m the only one that can do this.

Panel Three: We are inside of the shop, and for the first time we can see the level of destruction inside. The bodies of three adults are inside, the shopkeeper draped across a counter, and the girl’s parents, behind Ramjet. There are animal cages with various animals, all dead. There are light fixtures hanging from the ceiling, pools of water from various broken tanks, and a huge hole in the wall connected to Mahaffey’s, that Ramjet crashed through. Ramjet is still on his knees, folded over the body of the girl.

RAMJET: Daddy didn’t expect the mean man to hit him so hard, but don’t worry. I’m going to make everything alright.

PHAZE (OFF PANEL): Davey, it’s me.

Panel Four: Profile view of Ramjet, who is looking at Phaze with tears streaming down his face. Phaze has dropped to one knee in front of him and has laid a hand on Ramjet’s cheek. He is also crying.

RAMJET: Sammy, it’s you.

PHAZE: Of course it is, big brother. Who else would it be?

RAMJET: Jessica. Where is she? Rya needs a doctor. Her mom always does the doctor visits.

PHAZE: Jess is waiting outside, but I need to talk to you first.

Panel Five: This panel is similar to the previous, but now Phaze has leaned forward to press his forehead to Ramjet’s.

PHAZE: Do you remember when we were kids, how we went through that Shakespeare stage and made our own version of grandpa’s oath for the squad.

RAMJET: Sammy, Rya won’t wake up.

PHAZE: It’s okay. I’ll remember for both of us.

PHAZE (CONT): Forsooth, tis better to die protecting the many, than to live selfishly and harm one.

Panel Six: This is a close-up, silhouette of Phaze’s arm sticking out of Ramjet’s back. In his hand is Ramjet’s heart.

NO COPY

Panel Seven: Rear view of Ramjet, we can see the bloody hole in his back where his heart once was. Phaze is holding him in his arms, and has his chin resting on Ramjet’s shoulder. There are tears running down his face. Behind him the heroes are gathered in a tight semi-circle, all of them crying.

PHAZE: I love you, Davey.

Schuyler
06-26-2015, 03:22 PM
I liked your story, Hathor.

I wrote a script for this one. I did not meet all the challenges. It was really the word 'forsooth' that got me. I came up with a hero named The Poet, and he was going to say the word, but he did not fit in my story.

Characters

Asunder- She can be whatever race you want her to be. She is American though. She often will not have hair but I was hoping she would still have that Sigourney Weaver type attraction. She is stouter and shorter than Sigourney though, and as I stated, her race is up to you. Be prepared to draw her with at least three different lengths of hair, from none at all to buzz to almost shoulder length. Be prepared to draw her naked. In costume she wears a vest leaving her arms bare. Out of costume she is going to dress butch. She has fire powers.

Frank- Is an overly massive Mexican man. I imagine him to look a little like Bane from Batman, not the movie. All his clothing should look a little too small on him, except for the sweater made by his wife. Dark hair, dark eyes, over six feet tall. Super strong, and lesser invincibility.
Fighter Pilot- White chick. Super model body. Long legs, large breasts. Red hair, green eyes. She is six feet tall. In costume, she wears a jet-fighter helmet, carries a rifle and has massive metal wings. Out of costume she, she dresses like a super model, and always wears sunglasses. Her power will never be explained, but it has to do with super sharp eyesight, and mechanical implants.

Volatile- Typical white male. Attractive. Cyclops type. Sandy blonde hair and blue eyes. Six feet tall. Not super muscular. In costume he would wear some light armor. Out of costume he will dress suave. He can shoot blue laser beams from his hands. I imagine the beams to be wide and flat, and slice through almost anything with ease.

The Reporter- Asian American girl with glasses. She carries an Mp3 recorder, and wears a digital camera around her neck. Make her short and give her a little bit of chub.

The Invaders- These guys appear on the first page only. They are animal like humanoids, but not all the same animal. They wear armor and carry laser rifles. I mention some animals by name but you will only get to draw so many, so really you should decide the animals. Lizards? Rhinos? Pigs?


PAGE ONE (four panels)

Panel 1. Wide. Nighttime on a ridge in Siberia. The ground is covered in snow.

The heroes all lie on their stomachs resting on their elbows. On the left is Frank with binoculars pressed to his face, then Volatile, then Fighter Pilot with her helmet resting next to her, and then Asunder. They all look focused on something off panel. Beyond them are Siberian mountains.

CAP:
“We were a team, and we all had codenames.”

CAP:
“Frank the Tank,”

CAP:
“Volatile,”

CAP:
“Fighter Pilot,”

CAP:
“And I was Asunder.”

Panel 2. Frank, Volatile, and Asunder are running down the decline on the other side of the ridge, Fighter pilot is airborne, with her wings extended. They are moving towards a UFO looking thing. Surrounding the UFO are the invaders, firing rifles. The ship is triangular, and it rests in the snow, beyond it is a snow covered mountain.

CAP:
“We fought in the galactic war. Hell, we won that war.”

Panel 3. Frank is choking a Ram looking humanoid while getting blasted by another. The UFO is much closer now and sits center panel. Volatile shoots a blue beam from his hand at an off panel enemy.

CAP:
“I’ve heard the speculation, ‘bout maybe they were from another dimension, or maybe they were aliens.”

CAP:
“But, none of that really matters.”

Panel 4. Asunder is burning a wolf looking humanoid while Fighter fires her rifle at him. The background is filled with a snow covered mountain, that is a bit closer now.

CAP:
“They came, threatened our way of life, and we kicked their asses out of here.”

CAP:
“Then, the war was over.”


PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. Wide. They sit at a bar in New York, or Chicago, or something like that. We are inside staring across the bar at the four of them. I was hoping that this would look like panel one, page one, as far as layout and framing is concerned. Frank on the left, then Volatile, then Fighter, then Asunder. They all wear civilian clothes, and their elbows all rest on the bar. Frank has a hand knitted sweater on. Volatile looks over at Frank with a smirk. Asunder is raising and eyebrow at them, while Fighter rolls her eyes. They hall have beer except Fighter who has a martini.

CAP:
“Everybody signed the protocols. Which was okay with us. We didn’t want to use our powers against other people anyway, but it left us with nothing to do.”

VOLATILE:
Nice sweater, jerk.

Panel 2. Frank looks down at his sweater in confusion. Volatile looks at Frank also confused.

CAP:
“We all knew it was gonna’ happen. It was just a matter of time.”

FRANK:
I love this sweater, my wife knitted it for me.

VOLATILE:
You have a wife, Frank? I can’t imagine what the bedroom activities must be like…

Panel 3. Frank looks back at Volatile, Frank is angry now. Volatile makes a mocking face.

CAP:
“We all knew it would be it would be Volatile, but never imagined that it would be Frank.”

FRANK:
You better be quiet, little man!

VOLATILE:
Oooh, I hit a sore spot!

Panel 4. Frank has stood up now and Volatile is starting to push himself up. Fighter is still seated, holding her Martini. Asunder has stood and has her hands in the air to stop them from fighting.

CAP:
“Some other things were said, but I think you get the gist of it.”

FRANK:
I’m gonna’ punch your ass to Mexico!

Panel 5. The street outside the bar, mostly a close on the outside wall of the bar with some of the street and sidewalk in there. The wall is made of bricks.

CAP:
“You know what they say about power, and how it corrupts absolutely, and all that?”

VOLATILE (op): I
s it too big? Or too small? Does it get lost under all that muscle?

ASUNDER (op):
Now, come on guys!


PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1. The same wall but Volatile has just come smashing through it. Volatile and the bricks and debris are still midair.

CAP:
“It might be true. But, I think people are just imperfect creatures.”

Panel 2. We are behind Volatile, who is in the street now, surrounded by debris. He is halfway to his feet. One of his arms was broken when he hit the wall. That does not have to be shown in this panel, but something to keep in mind. There is a parked sports car in the background right. Beyond that, in the hole of the wall, stands Frank.

CAP:
“Volatile, he was well named. He had a personality like a bull, and when he saw red…”

Panel 3. Frank runs across the street, still in attack mode. Volatile is charging his energy like Mega Man, aiming at frank. His broken arm hangs limp at his side.

CAP:
“Now, I know V didn’t mean to do what he did, and he regrets it, but he was also defendin’ himself.”

Panel 4. Frank is being blasted back by Volatile’s energy beam. The beam is grazing half his face, and it has pulled the flesh away with it, revealing part of Frank’s skull underneath.

CAP:
“I probably woulda’ done the same.”

Panel 5. Frank lies lifeless in the street, Volatile kneels on the ground with tears rolling down his face.

CAP:
“I suppose it all coulda’ been worse. A few civilians got hurt, some damage done to the bar, and some surrounding buildings, but no one was killed. Besides Frank, that is… “


PAGE FOUR (six panels)

Panel 1. Cemetery. Daytime, with some rain.
On the left standing over a grave in the center, is Frank’s wife. She is Mexican, with dark hair and eyes. She has some mascara drip marks on her cheeks from crying. There is one other man standing on her side, who can look like Frank’s smaller brother. On the right side of the grave is Volatile first, with FBI agents on both side of him. He wears metal tubes over his hands, wolverine handcuffs. Also on the right side are Asunder and Fighter, both wearing black. There are some trees and graves, and small path cuts horizontally across the background.

CAP:
“We all went to the funeral. Even V was allowed to come.”

Panel 2. Volatile sits in the dark of a solitary confinement cell. He still wears the handcuffs.

CAP:
“Then they locked him up, and as far as I know he has not seen the light of day since.”

Panel 3. A man in a security uniform stands behind a counter, across from Asunder. She is trying to hand him a resume, it can be just scribbles. He is turning his head away from her with his hands out, palms facing her, as if he cannot take it from her. Beyond the man, is a sign that says “Security Services”.

CAP:
“Everybody knew our real names by then, and it was tough to get work.”

MAN:
No, we’re not hiring.

Panel 4. Asunder is mopping the hallway of a school. Lockers line both sides of the panel, and the hallway stretches to a set of double doors. Asunder wears a beanie but here hair has grown long enough to stick out, hanging down to her chin.

CAP:
“I changed my name. I moved. I got a job. It was okay.”

Panel 5. Daytime. Asunder is carrying a kid out of the burning school, her janitorial costume is burned away. Her hair is gone.

CAP:
“Then, there was a fire, and a kid didn’t make it. It wasn’t my fault, but I know how it looked.”

CAP:
“I’m just glad I could save as many as I did.”

Panel 6. Daytime. From behind Asunder who stands at the end of the walk leading up to her house. She carries some groceries. Written across her house in red lettering is the word “MOVE”. She has a little fuzz growing on her head again. She of course is dressed again.

CAP:
“Once everyone figured out who I really was, I lost my job, and ended up moving away.”


PAGE FIVE (six panels)

Panel 1. Evening. Asunder is seated on the left in a throne of card board boxes in a dirty alley. Asunder is a nasty looking bum now, and her hair has grown back in, a couple inches long. She holds a burning cigarette. There is an Asian female reporter, to the right of Asunder, holding an MP3 recorder. There are some two wine bottles sticking out of a paper bag between them.

ASUNDER:
I don’t know what happened to Fighter Pilot…

REPORTER:
I already interviewed her.

Panel 2. Close on Asunder with sad eyes.

ASUNDER:
Oh, really? How is she?

Panel 3. Daytime. Fighter pilot is sitting on the side walk with a beach behind her, a few palm trees adorning it. She holds up a sign that says “Vet in need”. Fighter is also a nasty bum.

CAP (Reporter):
“She’s… um…”

Panel 4. We’ve flipped around and can see her backside, cars are passing on the road, but more importantly we can see what the other side of her sign says. “BJ for $50”.

CAP (Reporter):
“… Doing really well.”

Panel 5. This panel looks similar to panel one from this page. With Asunder on the left and the reporter in the middle.

ASUNDER:
Oh, good for her. Good for her…

REPORTER:
So, are you sure I can’t get you something else as payment?

ASUNDER:
Nah, just the wine and the smokes.

Panel 6. The reporter is walking away in the background and Asunder holds a freshly opened pack of smokes in her hand, the lid still open from where she just pulled the first one. Her other hand points a finger at the smoke in her mouth, a flame is shooting off the end, lighting the cigarette.

NO COPY

Kiyoko, Rin
06-26-2015, 09:03 PM
This is also a fail. It’s not straight up superheroes, it’s one superhero, from an angle.

Chrome 21 – By Rin Kiyoko

Page 1 (4 panels)

Panel 1 – High angle view of the inside of a small New York apartment at night. Connie (late 20s, Caucasian, female) stands between the sofa and TV, blockng our view of the screen. She’s looking towards panel right where Jimmy (sleep tousled dark hair, 4’10”, pudgy in his pyjamas) is stepping into the living room. He’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes; we can’t see his face properly.

CAPTION:
Jimmy would remember this moment to the end of his days.

CONNIE:
Frank! Jimmy! You gotta see this!

JIMMY (weak):
… henh?

Panel 2- Looking over the sofa and the backs of Connie’s and Jimmy’s heads. The TV screen takes up most of the panel. On it, a cheery Chrome 21 (male, body builder’s physique, in a costume that must include a breastplate) flies two disgruntled bank robbers (in bank robbers’ attire) wrapped inside a crushed girder towards the ground. Chrome 21 has to look impressive, imposing and heroic.

CAPTION:
The man on screen, so tall, strong and able, so utterly unlike anyone Jimmy’s seen before, yet exactly like how Jimmy wants to be in later life.

CONNIE:
It happened down on 4th street. He just flew outta the sky!

CONNIE:
Frank! Come see this!

JIMMY:
Henh!

Panel 3. Looking over the back of the sofa. Connie, pointing to Jimmy, her face in profile as she looks right, towards Frank (only his waist area visible at panel right, but he’s late twenties, dark complexion, wears plaid shirt and jeans). Jimmy, in the background, has moved so close to the TV that to either side of his body we can only see part of Chrome 21 / a TV reporter’s microphone.

FRANK:
Connie? You say someth--?

FRANK:
Easy there, Jimmy. Don’t get too close. You’ll ruin your eyes.

TV (ELEC):
… your name, “Chrome 21”? Chrome, like regular steel? Or a new type of steel, one that’s more special?

CAPTION:
That word. So resonant with Jimmy. If there’s one word that Jimmy’s heard to describe himself…

Panel 4. Close up of Jimmy’s rapt, grinning face, from TV’s pov. It should be apparent, even through the glare of the TV almost super-imposing a ghosted version of Chrome 21’s face onto Jimmy’s, that Jimmy has a heavily pronounced case of Down’s Syndrome. Frank and Connie’s hands entwine in the background.

CAPTION:
… it’s “special”.

JIMMY:
Henh!

Page 2 (6 panels)

Panel 1. Seen from behind, Jimmy sits in front of the TV, blocking most of our view of the screen. Around the edges, we see a ticker tape parade

CAPTION:
In a world that Jimmy often finds too confusing to make sense of, Chrome 21 is a panacea.

CAPTION:
To help foil the murders in Queens…

Panel 2. Jimmy sits, mouth open in wonder, facing the off panel-left TV. Connie, on the sofa, has started to knit something dense and grey. It’s not far enough along to tell what it is. Through the window in the background we see autumn weather (no blowing leaves, they’re too high up).

CAPTION:
… and putting out hotel fires…

CONNIE (whisper):
Frank, there’s so much violence. Should we even let him watch?

Panel 3. Jimmy, beaming, is pulling his shirt forwards so Frank’s hands can put the pin of the Fan Club badge through.

CAPTION:
But best of all, to provide that personal touch.

FRANK:
From Chrome 21 himself! Here, let me pin it for you.

JIMMY:
Henh!

TEXT (Badge):
Chrome
#21 Fan *

*{NOTE TO LETTERER – On the bottom line, use an X to double strikethrough the 2}

Panel 4. Jimmy, full of pride, stands straight and tall, delighted with his new badge.

JIMMY:
Henh!

Panel 5. Sideways on to us, the TV is at panel left. Jimmy, looking worried, looks over his shoulder towards panel right, one curled finger pointing at himself.

CAPTION:
But while the world keep asking the same old questions…

TV (ELEC):
Cosmic rays? Mutant genes? Mystical, radioactive, spider bite – in space?

TV (ELEC): {NOTE TO LETTERER – different font/colour to the last bit of copy}
No, Ms Lane, just an ordinary guy who – come the moment – became the man. I stepped up to do what needs doing. Anyone could do the same.

CAPTION:
… Jimmy only wants to know one thing.

Panel 6. Connie, is making a grand, theatrical speech (arms raised dramatically / one hand on chest, the other raised dramatically, whatever).

CONNIE:
Of course you can be just like him!

CONNIE:
“Where is truth, forsooth, and who knoweth it? Is Beauty beautiful, or is it only our eyes that make it so? … Anoint my eyes, good Fairy Puck, so that I may ever consider the Beloved Object a paragon!”

CONNIE:
- Thackerey. The Virginians.

Panel 6 (inset). Jimmy’s grinning face.

JIMMY:
Henh!

Page 3 (6 panels)

Panel 1. Supervised closely by a watchful Frank, Jimmy is doing a bicep curl, his face serious. His dumbbells look particularly heavy.

CAPTION:
And so it begins.

JIMMY:
Let me know if it’s too much, alright? I don’t want you overdoing it.

Panel 2. Jimmy at the dinner table. He’s eating, but his face is turned to look at the off panel TV. The plate in front of him is full of however many of the foods listed in the copy below you want to draw. Be sure to alter the copy based on what you draw / leave out. The fish has to be included. Frank, grinning rakishly, is gesturing towards Jimmy’s plate.

CAPTION:
And develops.

FRANK:
Better eat up, Jimmy, this is real hero food.

FRANK: {NOTE TO ARTIST – amend to suit drawing}
Blueberries. Mackerel. Kale. Acai berries. Broccoli. Avocado. Quinoa. Adzuki beans. Garlic. Tomatoes.

FRANK:
They’re superfoods, Jimmy. Get it? Superfoods, to become a super hero!

Panel 3. Inside Jimmy’s bedroom on an overcast winter morning. Jimmy, thermometer in mouth, is sitting up on his bed, wrapped in his blanket showing flu like symptoms, reaching eagerly for the silver grey knitted sweater Connie’s presenting him. There’s a fire escape outside his window; we’re really high up. The room is covered in Chrome 21 merchandising – wallpaper, toys, etc.

CAPTION:
From one season to the next.

CONNIE:
Chrome 21 has his fortitudium suit to protect him from Alia White Fang. But here’s your armor, to protect you…

CONNIE:
…from the cold.

JIMMY:
Henh!

Panel 4. The living room has been turned into a cushion fort. Jimmy, grinning, is about to fall into Frank’s arms. A motion line (leap line?) behind him should convey that Connie’s pushed out hands have tossed Jimmy from the armrest; he’s bounced onto a cushion, then towards Frank. It’s summer (bright sunlight, T-shirts and shorts weather, though Jimmy wears his sweater still).

CAPTION:
And one day…

CONNIE:
It’s super-Jimmy!

TV (ELEC) (OP):
… interrupt our scheduled programming to bring you breaking news.

Panel 5. Frank has turned his head, Jimmy is being supported by Frank’s arms, Connie has joined them too. They all look serious and at the off-panel TV.

TV (elec) (OP):
Alia White Fang has been spotted, and Chrome 21 is rushing to intercept.

Panel 6. Looking over the back of Connie and Frank’s heads as they look at the TV. On screen, a prison mugshot of a beatific, guilt free looking man, early 20s.

TV (elec):
The ex-convict has amassed over two dozen murders since his escape. Named from the Jack London novel because of his inability to show any remorse, quote…

TV (elec):
“… there were no signs of shame nor guilt. He carried himself with pride, as though, forsooth, he had achieved a deed praiseworthy and meritorious. There was about him no consciousness of sin.”

Page 4 (7 panels)

Panel 1.
Close up of the TV screen. Chrome 21 has flown onto the scene (Central Park? The Brooklyn Bridge? You choose.) Alia White Fang is braced ready for him.

Panel 2.
Over the next few panels we’ll be steadily zooming out from the TV. Here, we see the frame around the TV. On screen, Chrome 21 has just punched AWF’s face. Put energy into it. AWF is reeling.

Panel 3.
Pulled back further so the tops of Connie’s and Frank’s heads are just at panel bottom. On TV, Chrome 21 is punching AWF, but AWF takes the punch pretty well.

Panel 4.
Pulled back so we’re looking over the top of Connie’s and Frank’s heads. On TV, Chrome 21’s punch has been caught by AWF.

Panel 5.
We can see over Jimmy’s head. He sits between and slightly behind Connie and Frank. On TV, Chrome 21 has been knocked back by AWF’s punch or energy blast or whatever power you want to give him.

Panel 6.
We’re behind Jimmy; he sits bolt upright. In front of him, Connie covers her face, Frank hugs her consolingly. We should be able to see just enough TV to infer Chrome 21 is being beaten (or blasted, or whatever) to death.

CONNIE:
Oh, Jesus…

Panel 7.
Same distance and angle as last panel. Connie is mostly hidden by Frank’s hug. Frank looks to panel left. On TV, Chrome 21 is dead.

FRANK:
… Jimmy?

Page 5 (7 panels)

5.1 – looking from the bedroom through the window and the bright sunlight, Jimmy stands the fire escape, straight and tall, in his costume.

CAPTION:
Jimmy isn’t crushed over Chrome 21’s fate.

5.2 – We need a view that shows us how high up Jimmy is – at least seven floors up.

CAPTION:
Jimmy’s remembering what Chrome 21 once said.

5.3 – Jimmy has leapt off the fire escape; he’s in mid-air, nothing below him but air.

CAPTION:
Come the moment.

CAPTION:
Come the man.

5.4 – Jimmy’s momentum and posture has levelled out – he’s horizontal, he’s smiling, he isn’t yet falling.

CAPTION (different colour):
“Weightless, he soars, young blood singing in his veins,
and the gilded face overhead lures and beguiles him like a lover…

5.5 – Jimmy is beginning to fall, his expression is panicked, his posture wildly awry / desperate.

CAPTION (different colour):
“…and lost sons
who flung themselves further, higher,
above, beyond…

5.6 –. Seen from the same elevation and angle as the last panel, Jimmy’s despairing, reaching hand encroaches off panel bottom.

CAPTION (different colour):
“…Daedulus catches his breath
at the sweet, envious pang still throbbing there for him;
Icarus a soaring spear of light…

5.7 – From the same elevation as the last panel, we’re now looking up at the sun over the top of the neighbourhood buildings.

FRANK (OP) (burst):
Jimmy!

CAPTION (different colour):
“…burnished with disobedience,
who steered his own high way
to grasp for heaven.”
– Anna Knowles, No Maps For Icarus

Schuyler
06-27-2015, 12:06 PM
I liked your story, Rin. This one was pretty serious for you, and maybe that's why I like it. Maybe, I don't know how to laugh.

I think the second forsooth is out of place, though. I skimmed panel descriptions, so I don't have a lot to say about that. Anyways, good story, my Nemesis.

-Sky

Kiyoko, Rin
06-27-2015, 03:10 PM
I liked your story, Rin. This one was pretty serious for you, and maybe that's why I like it. Maybe, I don't know how to laugh.

I think the second forsooth is out of place, though. I skimmed panel descriptions, so I don't have a lot to say about that. Anyways, good story, my Nemesis.

-Sky

And I think your story has the clearest, tightest structure of any of your stories I've read, making it the most suitable for the short story genre. Your dialogue flowed much better, and the "BJ for $50" is the first time I can recall you using humour. Well done!

Yeah, I had to go out of my way to use that 2nd forsooth quote. It should probably be cut.

Schuyler
06-27-2015, 03:31 PM
And I think your story has the clearest, tightest structure of any of your stories I've read, making it the most suitable for the short story genre. Your dialogue flowed much better, and the "BJ for $50" is the first time I can recall you using humour. Well done!

Yeah, I had to go out of my way to use that 2nd forsooth quote. It should probably be cut.

Thanks, Rin!

This means a lot to me. Dialogue and story are what I have really been focusing on. I am still working on script, and panel description clarity, but those things don't matter if I can't write a story with compelling dialogue. So, I appreciate you mentioning that there has been improvement.

-Sky