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gmartyt
04-15-2015, 01:22 AM
Here's my entry. Again.

PAGE ONE (four panels)

Panel 1. Daytime. Establishing shot of an average office building in a small city. There is a sign in front of the building.

TEXT(sign):
Environmental Protection Agency


Panel 2. Inside a large office. There is a desk in the middle of the room. The desk has a few neat piles of papers on it. At the front of the desk is a nameplate. There is a chair on the opposite side of the desk. There is poster of wetlands on the wall at the back of the room. Mr. Amp (Swamp Thing) is sitting at the desk, hunched forward, sorting through the papers. He is wearing glasses and a tie and is holding a pen in one hand and looks bored.

TEXT(Poster):
Keep the wetlands clean.

TEXT(nameplate):
S. W. Amp

SFX(knocking on a door, should be quick and frantic):
Knockknockknocknockknock

AMP:
Come in.


Panel 3. Over Amp's shoulder. Across the room is a glass wall with a door in the middle. Kevin Bacon has hurried through the door. He is glancing over his shoulder, a panicked expression on his face. The cubicle-filled office can be seen through the glass. The cubicles contain various movie monsters (have fun with it), all of whom are wearing business attire.

AMP:
Ah, Mr. Bacon. I've been expecting you.


Panel 4. Side view of Amp's office. Amp is writing on the papers. Kevin Bacon, startled, has pressed his back against the now-closed door.

SFX(door):
Slam

AMP:
Please, have a seat.
PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. Over Amp's shoulder. Amp has picked up some of the papers and is looking at them. Kevin is nervously moving to the chair opposite Amp.

AMP:
I had a brief chat with you're agent the other day. You're here in order to research a role, correct?

KEVIN:
Y-yes. Yes, that's right.


Panel 2. Amp is leaning back in his chair. He has put the papers down with one hand and is removing his glasses with the other. Kevin is starting to sit down in the chair.

AMP:
I must say, I admire your passion. Not many would be willing to go through such lengths.

KEVIN:
T-thank you.


Panel 3. Amp is wiping his glasses with his tie.

AMP:
However, while I admire your work ethic, you must understand that this is a place of business.

AMP:
I can't have your presence here become a distraction.


Panel 4. Amp is putting his glasses back on. Kevin Bacon is sitting rigidly in his chair.

KEVIN:
D-don't worry. I'll do my best not to get in your way.

AMP:
I'm glad to here it.


Panel 5. Over Amp's shoulder. Kevin, startled, has jumped in his chair. Mary has opened the door to the office. Mary is Bloody Mary, so make her look like whatever you think Bloody Mary would look like.

MARY:
I have that report you asked for, Mr. Amp.

AMP:
Ah, yes. Very good.
PAGE THREE (four panels)

Panel 1. Side view of the office. Amp is hunched over his desk looking down at some papers on his desk. Mary is walking over to Amp, holding a manila folder. Kevin is watching Mary in disbelief.

AMP:
Now, I'm sure you're wondering what it is we do here.


Panel 2. Mary is handing the folder to Amp. Amp is reaching out to take the folder as he is writing something with his other hand.

AMP:
As you may have guessed--thank you, Mary--we work here to establish regulations with the intent to protect our environment.


Panel 3. Kevin is looking over his shoulder at Mary. Mary is walking past Kevin, giving him a warm smile as she passes by.

AMP(OP):
However, our methods of enforcement have changed slightly since the old days.


Panel 4. Amp is looking through the papers in the folder. He is adjusted his glasses and is holding the folder at arms length, as if he is having trouble reading it. Kevin is leaning back in his chair, a bit uneasy.

AMP:
Instead of relying on inefficient methods, such as fines and the like, we've adopted more effective practices.

KEVIN(OP):
What kind of practices?
PAGE FOUR (four panels)

Panel 1. Over Amp's shoulder. Kevin has jumped in his chair. Jason Voorhees has entered the office.

JASON:
Yo, boss. I just got a call from the people down at the lake.

JASON:
They're sayin' there're a bunch'a teens tryin' to make a camp or somethin'


Panel 2. Close-up of Kevin looking over his shoulder, confused.

AMP(OP):
Again?

JASON:
Guess so.


Panel 3. Amp has placed the open folder on his desk and is writing in it.

JASON(OP):
Anyway, I'm headin' out to go take care of it.

AMP:
Very well.


Panel 4. Side shot of the office. Amp is moving the folder with one hand and is grabbing another pile of papers with the other. Kevin, alarmed, has quickly turned to face Amp. Use motion lines. The back half of Jason can be seen leaving the office.

AMP:
Make sure you take the chainsaw this time.
PAGE FIVE (one panel)

Panel 1. Kevin is in a typical office break room. There are a few round tables, vending machines against the right wall, and a a water cooler in the back of the room. He is huddled over and is holding his cellphone close to his ear, as if he is trying to hide it. In the background, Freddy Krueger, Predator, and Frankenstein.

KEVIN(hushed):
I don't care what you tell them! I don't want it anymore!

FREDDY:
...and she's all “why are you doing this?!”

SFX(laughter):
Ha ha ha ha ha

SamRoads
04-15-2015, 04:34 PM
AMP:
I'm glad to here it.

Ouch! :)

In general, this story is very static.

1.) A man walks into an office for a sort of interview.
2.) The interviewer sends another worker off on a job.

It's about a one page story so far.

What's the conflict? What can make this story not be 'two dudes in a room talking?

Schuyler
04-15-2015, 10:02 PM
PAGE ONE (four panels)

Panel 1. Daytime. Establishing shot of an average office building in a small city. There is a sign in front of the building.

TEXT(sign):
Environmental Protection Agency I personally think you could lose this panel, and put the text in a caption box over the next panel. Yes, it is an establishing shot that shows us where we are, but it also tells us where we are. Why do both?


Panel 2. Inside a large office. There is a desk in the middle of the room. The desk has a few neat piles of papers on it. At the front of the desk is a nameplate. There is a chair on the opposite side of the desk. There is poster of wetlands on the wall at the back of the room. Mr. Amp (Swamp Thing) is sitting at the desk, hunched forward, sorting through the papers. He is wearing glasses and a tie and is holding a pen in one hand and looks bored. I have said this before and I’ll say it again. I like your panel descriptions. This one is actually very long for you, but I didn’t get lost. You are always short but efficient. I admire that.

TEXT(Poster):
Keep the wetlands clean.

TEXT(nameplate):
S. W. Amp

SFX(knocking on a door, should be quick and frantic):
Knockknockknocknockknock

AMP:
Come in.


Panel 3. Over Amp's shoulder. Across the room is a glass wall with a door in the middle. Kevin Bacon has hurried through the door. He is glancing over his shoulder, a panicked expression on his face. The cubicle-filled office can be seen through the glass. The cubicles contain various movie monsters (have fun with it), all of whom are wearing business attire. I am not sure this is going to work like you want it to. Cubicles generally conceal people that are seated at their desks. The classic scene from the Matrix comes to mind. Then, Dave Chappelle did a great parody of it. Also, the panel can only be so big. I may be wrong but I think, not many monsters are going to fit in the panel. I suggest adding a whole other panel that shows the monsters in cubicles from above. You could do a shot of Bacon outside the office with Amp’s voice saying “come in” from inside. Also, I think you need to define the monsters more, not just here but later.

AMP:
Ah, Mr. Bacon. I've been expecting you.


Panel 4. Side view of Amp's office. Amp is writing on the papers. Kevin Bacon, startled, has pressed his back against the now-closed door.

SFX(door):
Slam

AMP:
Please, have a seat. This does not seem like a good page turn.
PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. Over Amp's shoulder. Amp has picked up some of the papers and is looking at them. Kevin is nervously moving to the chair opposite Amp.

AMP:
I had a brief chat with you're agent the other day. You're here in order to research a role, correct? I think you meant ‘your agent’, not ‘you’re agent’.

KEVIN:
Y-yes. Yes, that's right. I think it would be funnier if Bacon got his own panel here. He says nothing but just stares at Swamp Thing with his jaw dropped.


Panel 2. Amp is leaning back in his chair. He has put the papers down with one hand and is removing his glasses with the other. Kevin is starting to sit down in the chair. Not afraid of Swamp Thing at all?

AMP:
I must say, I admire your passion. Not many would be willing to go through such lengths.

KEVIN:
T-thank you.


Panel 3. Amp is wiping his glasses with his tie.

AMP:
However, while I admire your work ethic, you must understand that this is a place of business.

AMP:
I can't have your presence here become a distraction.


Panel 4. Amp is putting his glasses back on. Kevin Bacon is sitting rigidly in his chair.

KEVIN:
D-don't worry. I'll do my best not to get in your way.

AMP:
I'm glad to here it. I think you meant ‘hear’, not ‘here’.


Panel 5. Over Amp's shoulder. Kevin, startled, has jumped in his chair. Mary has opened the door to the office. Mary is Bloody Mary, so make her look like whatever you think Bloody Mary would look like. These monsters are not cool if we cannot recognize them. I would do La Llorona, but she is totally unrecognizable. But I think La Llorona is better because she is found in nature. Weeping for her children by the river. Blood Mary appears in a mirror, something that does not appear in nature at all. The closest thing is a reflection in some water.
MARY:
I have that report you asked for, Mr. Amp.

AMP:
Ah, yes. Very good.

PAGE THREE (four panels)

Panel 1. Side view of the office. Amp is hunched over his desk looking down at some papers on his desk. Mary is walking over to Amp, holding a manila folder. Kevin is watching Mary in disbelief.

AMP:
Now, I'm sure you're wondering what it is we do here. He came looking to work, even if it is a study, he knows what they do. What he is really wondering, why is the place filled with monsters.


Panel 2. Mary is handing the folder to Amp. Amp is reaching out to take the folder as he is writing something with his other hand.

AMP:
As you may have guessed--thank you, Mary--we work here to establish regulations with the intent to protect our environment.


Panel 3. Kevin is looking over his shoulder at Mary. Mary is walking past Kevin, giving him a warm smile as she passes by.

AMP(OP):
However, our methods of enforcement have changed slightly since the old days.


Panel 4. Amp is looking through the papers in the folder. He is adjusted his glasses and is holding the folder at arms length, as if he is having trouble reading it. Kevin is leaning back in his chair, a bit uneasy.

AMP:
Instead of relying on inefficient methods, such as fines and the like, we've adopted more effective practices.

KEVIN(OP):
What kind of practices? I am not sure why you paced the dialogue like this. You could cut one or more panel, and we wouldn’t miss it.
PAGE FOUR (four panels)

Panel 1. Over Amp's shoulder. Kevin has jumped in his chair. Jason Voorhees has entered the office.

JASON:
Yo, boss. I just got a call from the people down at the lake.

JASON:
They're sayin' there're a bunch'a teens tryin' to make a camp or somethin'


Panel 2. Close-up of Kevin looking over his shoulder, confused.

AMP(OP):
Again?

JASON:
Guess so.


Panel 3. Amp has placed the open folder on his desk and is writing in it.

JASON(OP):
Anyway, I'm headin' out to go take care of it.

AMP:
Very well.


Panel 4. Side shot of the office. Amp is moving the folder with one hand and is grabbing another pile of papers with the other. Kevin, alarmed, has quickly turned to face Amp. Use motion lines. The back half of Jason can be seen leaving the office.

AMP:
Make sure you take the chainsaw this time. While this is a better page turn it still leaves something to be desired.
PAGE FIVE (one panel)

Panel 1. Kevin is in a typical office break room. There are a few round tables, vending machines against the right wall, and a a water cooler in the back of the room. He is huddled over and is holding his cellphone close to his ear, as if he is trying to hide it. In the background, Freddy Krueger, Predator, and Frankenstein. Freddy Krueger feels out of place in the same way that Bloody Mary did. I might be wrong, but I think he only exists in dreams.

KEVIN(hushed):
I don't care what you tell them! I don't want it anymore!

FREDDY:
...and she's all “why are you doing this?!”

SFX(laughter):
Ha ha ha ha ha

I agree with Sam, in the sense that the story has no conflict.

It is also paced out, it could go faster, but you padded it.

I like your panel descriptions.

The dialogue seems okay for the most part, but Amp is stiff.

Format is good.

You nailed all the challenge requirements.

gmartyt
04-16-2015, 02:15 AM
Thanks for giving this a good looking over. It clearly needed it.

The intent of the first panel was to make it look like a normal office building before showing that it clearly isn't.

He came looking to work, even if it is a study, he knows what they do. What he is really wondering, why is the place filled with monsters.

You may know that, but Amp doesn't. To him, the fact that the place is filled with monsters is normal. People don't normally call attention to what they consider normal.

I may be wrong but I think, not many monsters are going to fit in the panel.

There doesn't need to be a lot. Just enough to show that Amp isn't the only monster there. Regarding the monsters themselves, I went with notoriety over how much sense they made. (Although, to be fair, you never know what the people of Elm Street are up to, or how disruptive their activities are to the local wildlife.)

Amp's dialogue is supposed to be very formal, although I may have made it a little too formal.

What's the conflict? What can make this story not be 'two dudes in a room talking?

I was originally going to have Kevin go on a ride along with Jason to the lake, but I didn't think I could fit it in. I guess I ended up trying to turn the beginning of a story into a story of its own.

Thanks again for the feedback.