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Schuyler
04-12-2015, 11:48 AM
Sorry I'm late everybody. Here's my story.

Characters

Chainsaw- is a hick. He has some teeth missing and a tattoo about loving his mom. He wears a futuristic military pilot’s uniform. The uniform is designed for desert battle and the fatigue pattern should be appropriate. There is a flag on the breast of the uniform, the earth and a whole bunch of stars set on a dark blue background. He has brown hair and blue eyes. Chainsaw was a tall man, 6’2 but we don’t ever get to see him as a whole man.

Casper- is a really white guy with red hair. He is also southern but does not show the same flare as Chainsaw. Casper wears a similar uniform to Chainsaw’s. Casper has green eyes, and he is 5’11.

Kurshef- is an alien. He has green skin, big eyes, and long ears. I am not thinking a traditional big head, big eyed alien, but more of a goblin looking thing. He wears the clothing of a desert nomad, his clothing and equipment have been scavenged and he himself is tired. He has wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and a weary face. He has a hood that has holes for his ears. He is about 5’8.

The Planet- I imagine it to have two moons and two suns. The landscape look like the desolate sand and rock outcroppings in the film dune. The original.



PAGE ONE (seven panels)

I imagine this page to be a stack of wide panels. Excepting four five and six which would be three equal panels across the horizontal plane. If you don’t like that idea, bag it.

Panel 1. Nighttime. The landscape is a desert, very much like the film dune. Lots of sand and some rock outcroppings, not much else. Chainsaw and Casper just wrecked in their fighter jet. The appearance of the jet is up to you. It could be a traditional looking jet or more like a shuttle craft from star trek.
Chainsaw is center panel surrounded by the wreckage. His body has been severed in half but he is still alive. He is pinned against a rock by part of the jet and it is the only thing holding him up. Guts and blood are pouring out of the bottom of his abdomen. Casper is off panel.

CASPER (op):
Chainsaw?! Are you there, man?! I can’t see!

CHAINSAW:
This whole war is a sham, Casper. I can’t believe we’re gonna die on this godforsaken planet…

Panel 2. Casper looks pretty messed up himself. He has been blinded and has a broken leg. He is lying on his back, also surrounded by the wreckage of the jet. There are only a couple angles we can work with but we may be able to see Chainsaw in the right background.

CASPER:
Chainsaw… What are you talking about, man?!

CHAINSAW:
C’mon, Casper. What is this bullsh- really about?

CASPER:
It’s about taking back our mines, and getting these damn Cretins off our planet!

Panel 3. This looks very similar to panel one except Chainsaw looks dead. His chin rests on his chest, his hands have gone limp.

CASPER (op):
Chainsaw?

Panel 4. Casper has his pistol clutched to his chest.

NO COPY

Panel 5. Casper’s eyes are closed and the hand holding the pistol has gne limp.

NO COPY

Panel 6. Blackout.

NO COPY

Panel 7. We are looking down at Casper, being dragged by Kurshef on a make shift gurney. We can see Kurshef’s hands and back. Still nighttime.

CASPER:
What the…

CASPER:
Chainsaw, is that you?

KURSHEF:
If Chainsaw was your friend, he is dead. My name is Kurshef.



PAGE TWO (six panels)

I have some ideas about arranging this page, but nothing special. Arrange to your desire.

Panel 1. Medium on Casper, who puts his hand over his eyes, in a sort of face palm.

NO COPY

Panel 2. Kurshef from the front pulling Casper behind him.

CASPER:
Kurshef? Is that Arabic?

KURSHEF:
I do not think you would be familiar with my place of birth.

CASPER:
What’s your rank and unit?

Panel 3. Kurshef is center panel with his right side to us. He is dragging the gurney, moving from left to right. We can see a part of Casper on the very left side. It is starting to get light in the sky as the morning approaches.

KURSHEF:
I have neither of those things.

CASPER:
Are you a miner? I have never met a miner…

Panel 4. Similar angle to the last panel. Kurshef has stopped and let Casper’s gurney down. His head his pointed to the sky as he lets out an uncontrollable laugh. Each panel gets a little brighter as the sun rises.

KURSHEF:
Bwahahahaha! There are no mines on this planet. This place is good for one thing. A killing ground.

CASPER:
The mines could be underground…

KURSHEF:
Believe what you want to believe. Hahaha!

Panel 5. Casper is being dragged in his Gurney by Kurshef. Kurshef with his back to us. Casper’s brow is furrowed in concern. A little brighter than last panel. In the background is a large rock outcropping.

CASPER:
If you are not a soldier, or a miner, what are you, and where are you taking me?

KURSHEF:
I am a deserter.

Panel 6. Kurshef faces the camera as he drags. This is a shot of his upper body and face. He looks anguished. A little brighter than last panel.

KURSHEF:
Once, long ago, I was a wounded soldier like you, and a strange man saved me. I am repaying that debt.



PAGE THREE (five panels)

I was thinking this page would be another stack of wide shots, but do what you think is best.

Panel 1. It is full on day light now and they are resting under a rock overhang that is part of a much larger rock structure. Kurshef is crouched by Casper, handing him a piece of bacon.

KURSHEF:
You should eat something.

Panel 2. Casper is on his back on the gurney and he has already taken a bite of the piece of bacon. Kurshef is leaning against a rock with his eyes closed.

CASPER:
Oh, mmmph… Where did you get Bacon from?

KURSHEF:
There is a small bug consuming animal, one of the few that can survive on this planet, it is call Krilliac.

Panel 3. It is dark again and Casper is being dragged through the desert again. Kurshef has his right side to us and moves left to right.

CAP:
Hours later…

CASPER:
Why did you desert, Kurshef?

KURSHEF:
This war is a lie. The government tries to pacify us, while encouraging the technology of war.

Panel 4. Wide shot. Casper is facing the camera again as he is dragged be Kurshef. Casper furrows his brow and frowns.

CASPER:
I don’t know if I believe that. And I don’t know what you were doing so deep in Cretin territory, but you have helped me. So, I will stop asking so many questions.

KURSHEF:
I am safer in Creytan territory. We are close now to the border. I am going to shoot a flare and leave you.

Panel 5. Kurshef has been shot in the chest by a laser, the assailant is off panel. He is stumbling backwards over Casper.

CASPER:
Why--

SFX:
Pew

KURSHEF:
--Hurrgh!

SOLDIER (op):
Got ‘im!



PAGE FOUR (two panels)

Smaller first panel that is inset into the second panel. Making it look more like a splash. Just an idea.

Panel 1. Kurshef has collapsed over Casper. Casper is clawing blindly for him.

CASPER:
Kurshef! What happened?!

SOLDIER (op):
Freeze, Cretin!

SOLDIER2 (op):
Wait! That one is human!

Panel 2. Two soldiers are standing over Casper now with rifles pointed at him. Caper is holding Kurshef in a sort of bear hug.

CASPER:
You killed him!

SOLDIER:
This Cretin was probably dragging you back to where he could run experiments on you!

CASPER:
Kurshef is Creytan…?



PAGE FIVE (five panels)

Panel 1. Inside the human base. The room is lined with curtains much like a rustic med bay. On the left, three men in black uniforms are pushing an empty gurney into the room. On the right the MD faces them with his hands in the air,

MD:
Whoa! What are you guys doing in my medbay?!

UNIFORM:
We are here for codename Casper. I have orders from General Cady.

Panel 2. The MD is walking them briskly down a hall of curtains with beds inside them. He leads them left to right.

MD:
You want Casper? Take him, and get out of my hospital!

Panel 3. The MD has brushed a curtain aside to reveal an empty bed. Bed in the foreground and we look out at the MD and the men in black uniforms.

MD:
What the…? Well, he’s blind, he can’t have gone far.

Panel 4. A Creytan soldier lies wounded in the sand, other bodies around him. Casper stands over the soldier with his back to us. Te Creytan soldier is holding a hand out to stop Casper.

CAP:
Years later…

CASPER:
Hello, soldier.

CREYTAN:
Get away from me pinkskin! I’ll kill myself before I let you experiment on me.

Panel 5. Front shot of Casper. He has a blindfold now.

CASPER:
I am not a soldier. I am just an old blind man, I won’t harm you.

SamRoads
04-14-2015, 06:01 PM
Page 5, panel 3 going to panel 4 is a huge jump in time. It's a bit awkward doing any kind of scene transition which doesn't involve a new page or ideally a page turn.

**

"I don’t know if I believe that. And I don’t know what you were doing so deep in Cretin territory, but you have helped me. So, I will stop asking so many questions. "

That does seem rather formal. It would be more colloquial to change 'you have' into 'you've' and 'I will' into 'I'll'. However, I don't see why you might not want to give Casper a more characteristic style of dialogue anyway.

**

CHAINSAW:
C’mon, Casper. What is this bullsh- really about?

CASPER:
It’s about taking back our mines, and getting these damn Cretins off our planet!

This doesn't seem realistic. Imagine a similar conversation between two GIs during WWII.

"It's about taking back France, and getting these damn Germans out of Europe!"

Surely that's butlermaiding? :)

Schuyler
04-14-2015, 08:57 PM
Page 5, panel 3 going to panel 4 is a huge jump in time. It's a bit awkward doing any kind of scene transition which doesn't involve a new page or ideally a page turn.

**

"I don’t know if I believe that. And I don’t know what you were doing so deep in Cretin territory, but you have helped me. So, I will stop asking so many questions. "

That does seem rather formal. It would be more colloquial to change 'you have' into 'you've' and 'I will' into 'I'll'. However, I don't see why you might not want to give Casper a more characteristic style of dialogue anyway.

**

CHAINSAW:
C’mon, Casper. What is this bullsh- really about?

CASPER:
It’s about taking back our mines, and getting these damn Cretins off our planet!

This doesn't seem realistic. Imagine a similar conversation between two GIs during WWII.

"It's about taking back France, and getting these damn Germans out of Europe!"

Surely that's butlermaiding? :)

Thanks, Sam. As always, you have made some good points.

I am not sure what I will do to fix the time jump.

Yes, you are right Casper should get more of a southern voice. American southern, of course.

I also love how you talk about butlermaiding. Of course, I am guilty of that. It might not be too hard to fix though.

-Sky

Schuyler
04-14-2015, 10:20 PM
Thanks again, Sam.

I rewrote the time skip. They are still resting until Kershef is shot. There is still a time skip, but it is less jarring.

I tried to rewrite Casper's dialogue, but I'm worried that it's horrible. I might send you an e-mail on that.

I think I fixed the part that you said was butlermaiding.

Chainsaw… What’re ya’ talking about, man?!

C’mon, Casper. What is this bullsh- really about?

It’s about taking back our mines, I guess… Or, do you mean, like… Philosophically?

Anyways, thanks for helping me.

-Sky

gmartyt
04-15-2015, 03:35 AM
PAGE ONE (seven panels)

I imagine this page to be a stack of wide panels. Excepting four five and six which would be three equal panels across the horizontal plane. If you don’t like that idea, bag it.

Panel 1. Nighttime. The landscape is a desert, very much like the film dune. Lots of sand and some rock outcroppings, not much else. Chainsaw and Casper just wrecked in their fighter jet. The appearance of the jet is up to you. It could be a traditional looking jet or more like a shuttle craft from star trek.
Chainsaw is center panel surrounded by the wreckage. His body has been severed in half but he is still alive. He is pinned against a rock by part of the jet and it is the only thing holding him up. Guts and blood are pouring out of the bottom of his abdomen. (Facial expression?) Casper is off panel. (The last part isn't necessary.)

CASPER (op) (Casper hasn't been placed yet. You should probably specify which direction this is coming from.):
Chainsaw?! Are you there, man?! I can’t see!

CHAINSAW:
This whole war is a sham, Casper. I can’t believe we’re gonna die on this godforsaken planet…

Panel 2. Casper looks pretty messed up himself. He has been blinded (how do you draw blindness?) and has a broken leg. He is lying on his back, also surrounded by the wreckage of the jet. (Facial expression?) There are only a couple angles we can work with but we may be able to see Chainsaw in the right background.
CASPER:
Chainsaw… What are you talking about, man?!

CHAINSAW:
C’mon, Casper. What is this bullsh- really about?

CASPER:
It’s about taking back our mines, and getting these damn Cretins off our planet! (Sam's right. This is butlermaiding. I'd also say it's unnecessary.)

Panel 3. This looks very similar to panel one except Chainsaw looks dead. His chin rests on his chest, his hands have gone limp.

CASPER (op):
Chainsaw? (This reaction doesn't make sense. There's been no indication that Chainsaw has died. Casper is blind, remeber?)

Panel 4. Casper has his pistol clutched to his chest. (Where did the pistol come from?)

NO COPY

Panel 5. Casper’s eyes are closed and the hand holding the pistol has g(o)ne limp.

NO COPY

Panel 6. Blackout.

NO COPY

Panel 7. We are looking down at Casper, being dragged by Kurshef on a make shift (makeshift) gurney. We can see Kurshef’s hands and back. Still nighttime.

CASPER:
What the… (He's pretty lucid for someone who just woke up.)

CASPER:
Chainsaw, is that you?

KURSHEF:
If Chainsaw was your friend, he is dead. My name is Kurshef.

The first six panels don't do anything. I'd recommend starting with Casper waking up and then going straight into panel seven.



PAGE TWO (six panels)

I have some ideas about arranging this page, but nothing special. Arrange to your desire.

Panel 1. Medium on Casper, who puts (has put/ is putting) his hand over his eyes, in a sort of face palm.

NO COPY (This doesn't really work as a silent panel, especially considering how much dialogue there is in the adjacent panels.)

Panel 2. Kurshef from the front pulling Casper behind him. (Panels are usually described from left to right. This would put Kurshef on the left and Casper on the right. This means that Kurshef would be moving to the left, which you don't want. On top of that, in panel seven of page one, you have Casper on the left and Kurshef on the right, which breaks the 180 rule.)

CASPER:
Kurshef? Is that Arabic? (He got over Chainsaw's death pretty quickly.)

KURSHEF:
I do not think you would be familiar with my place of birth.

CASPER:
What’s your rank and unit?

Panel 3. Kurshef is center panel with his right side to us. (Last part is unnecessary.) He is dragging the gurney, moving from left to right. We can see a part of Casper on the very left side. It is starting to get light in the sky as the morning approaches.

KURSHEF:
I have neither of those things. (This line should go in the previous panel.)

CASPER:
Are you a miner? I have never met a miner…

Panel 4. Similar angle to the last panel. Kurshef has stopped and let Casper’s gurney down. His head his pointed to the sky as he lets out an uncontrollable laugh. (Did he really need to put the gurney down? Can't he walk and laugh at the same time? Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of something being so funny that you have to stop what you're doing. I'm just not sure it fits.) Each panel gets a little brighter as the sun rises.

KURSHEF:
Bwahahahaha! There are no mines on this planet. (No exclamation point?) This place is good for one thing. (Should probably a semicolon. In other words, rewrite these lines.) A killing ground. (That got serious pretty quick.)

CASPER:
The mines could be underground…

KURSHEF:
Believe what you want to believe. Hahaha! (This line doesn't really add anything.)

Panel 5. Casper is being dragged in his Gurney by Kurshef. Kurshef with his back to us. Casper’s brow is furrowed in concern. A little brighter than last panel. In the background is a large rock outcropping.

CASPER:
If you are not a soldier, or a miner, what are you, and where are you taking me? (Your dialogue is pretty stiff. Do you have a grudge against contractions?)

KURSHEF:
I am a deserter. (This comes from nowhere.)

Panel 6. Kurshef faces the camera as he drags. This is a shot of his upper body and face. He looks anguished. A little brighter than last panel.

KURSHEF:
Once, long ago, I was a wounded soldier like you, and a strange man saved me. I am repaying that debt. (Might want to go into a little more detail about the strange man and how he saved Kurshef.)



PAGE THREE (five panels)

I was thinking this page would be another stack of wide shots, but do what you think is best.

Panel 1. It is full on day light now and they are resting under a rock overhang that is part of a much larger rock structure. Kurshef is crouched by Casper, handing him a piece of bacon.

KURSHEF:
You should eat something.

Panel 2. Casper is on his back on the gurney and he has already taken a bite of the piece of bacon. Kurshef is leaning against a rock with his eyes closed.

CASPER:
Oh, mmmph… Where did you get Bacon from?

KURSHEF:
There is a small bug consuming animal, one of the few that can survive on this planet, it is call Krilliac.

This whole part is awkward. First, it feels like a time skip, since we never actually saw them arrive at the rock. Second, it adds nothing to the story.

Panel 3. It is dark again and Casper is being dragged through the desert again. Kurshef has his right side to us and moves left to right.

CAP:
Hours later…

CASPER:
Why did you desert, Kurshef? (How much time has passed since Kurshef said he was a deserter? Shouldn't this have come up then?)

KURSHEF:
This war is a lie. The government tries to pacify us, while encouraging the technology of war.

Panel 4. Wide shot. Casper is facing the camera again as he is dragged be (by) Kurshef. Casper furrows his brow and frowns.

CASPER:
I don’t know if I believe that. And I don’t know what you were doing so deep in Cretin territory, but you have helped me. So, I will stop asking so many questions. (Stiff. The first sentence is fine, but the rest is stiff, along with being unrelated.)

KURSHEF:
I am safer in Creytan territory. We are close now to the border. I am going to shoot a flare and leave you. (Again, the last two sentences have nothing to do with their conversation. They should at least be in a separate balloon, if not a different panel.)

Panel 5. Kurshef has been shot in the chest by a laser, the assailant is off panel. He is stumbling backwards over Casper.

CASPER:
Why-- (Not a strong cutoff. You'd be better off using Kurshef's line from the last panel.)

SFX:
Pew

KURSHEF:
--Hurrgh!

SOLDIER (op):
Got ‘im! (This takes away from the moment. You'd be better off cutting it.)



PAGE FOUR (two panels)

Smaller first panel that is inset into the second panel. Making it look more like a splash. Just an idea.

Panel 1. Kurshef has collapsed over Casper. Casper is clawing blindly for him.

CASPER:
Kurshef! What happened?!

SOLDIER (op):
Freeze, Cretin! (They already shot him What's the point in telling him to freeze?)

SOLDIER2 (op):
Wait! That one is human!

Panel 2. Two soldiers are standing over Casper now with rifles pointed at him. Ca(s)per is holding Kurshef in a sort of bear hug.

CASPER:
You killed him! (Blunt, and redundant.)

SOLDIER:
This Cretin was probably dragging you back to where he could run experiments on you!

CASPER:
Kurshef is Creytan…? (This line doesn't fit with the image.)



PAGE FIVE (five panels)

Panel 1. Inside the human base. The room is lined with curtains much like a rustic med bay. On the left, three men in black uniforms are pushing an empty gurney into the room. On the right the MD faces them with his hands in the air,

MD:
Whoa! What are you guys doing in my medbay?!

UNIFORM:
We are here for codename Casper. I have orders from General Cady.

Panel 2. The MD is walking them briskly down a hall of curtains with beds inside them. He leads them left to right.

MD:
You want Casper? Take him, and get out of my hospital! (He's pretty compliant for someone who seems so aggressive.)

Panel 3. The MD has brushed a curtain aside to reveal an empty bed. Bed in the foreground and we look out at the MD and the men in black uniforms.

MD:
What the…? Well, he’s blind, he can’t have gone far. (Second part comes out of nowhere.)

Panel 4. A Creytan soldier lies wounded in the sand, other bodies around him. Casper stands over the soldier with his back to us. T(h)e Creytan soldier is holding a hand out to stop Casper.

CAP:
Years later…

CASPER:
Hello, soldier.

CREYTAN:
Get away from me (Comma. Unless pinkskin means something else and he speaks like a pirate.) pinkskin! I’ll kill myself before I let you experiment on me. (No more exclamation point?)

Panel 5. Front shot of Casper. He has a blindfold now.

CASPER:
I am not a soldier. I am just an old blind man, (Period.) I won’t harm you.

A couple of things.

I agree with Sam regarding the time skips. For starters, they shouldn't be done in the middle of a page. Second, they imply that nothing happened during the time that was skipped. A man has woken up to find that he is being dragged by a stranger. I'm sure they'd find something to talk about.

Most of your panel descriptions don't include facial expressions. (I have trouble with this myself. I made it about halfway through before I remembered to look for them.)

Your characters seem to change the subject mid-conversation. Stick to one topic at a time.

I was surprised that none of your characters had any sort of dialect, considering that they are two hicks and an alien. It's one thing to have Casper and Chainsaw sound the same, but I find it hard to believe that Kurshef would talk exactly the same way.

Hope this helps.

TrickyZombie
04-15-2015, 10:34 AM
Just read it, and my gripes are pretty much along the lines of what's been mentioned, as far as handling the time lapses, and also having the dialogue fit in a bit more of Casper's character.

Still, pretty solid work in the allotted timeframe.

Like the "pinkskin" term used for human ; )

Good stuff!

Schuyler
04-15-2015, 11:27 AM
Thanks, TrickyZombie!

Thanks, Greg! I'll come back later and read everything you wrote, and ask questions and whatnot. I really appreciate the thorough critique.

-Sky

Schuyler
04-15-2015, 10:32 PM
(This reaction doesn't make sense. There's been no indication that Chainsaw has died. Casper is blind, remeber?)

When I fixed the butlermaiding, I also fixed this.


(Where did the pistol come from?)

Haha! You're always catching me on the magically delicious moments!

The first six panels don't do anything. I'd recommend starting with Casper waking up and then going straight into panel seven.

I like the first panels. It sets a brutal tone for the rest of the story.

Panels are usually described from left to right. This would put Kurshef on the left and Casper on the right. This means that Kurshef would be moving to the left, which you don't want. On top of that, in panel seven of page one, you have Casper on the left and Kurshef on the right, which breaks the 180 rule.)

Except, that I said "Kurshef from the front". That puts Casper behind him. And it is still described foreground to background. Which is still technically correct.

KURSHEF:
I have neither of those things. (This line should go in the previous panel.)

Why? The previous panel has three bubbles already, anyway.

(Your dialogue is pretty stiff. Do you have a grudge against contractions?)

Haha! I would say no, but it sure seems otherwise.


(This comes from nowhere.)

It might need some work, but it does not come from nowhere. He is not a soldier because he deserted.

(Might want to go into a little more detail about the strange man and how he saved Kurshef.)

Yeah. Not sure how to, exactly. Kurshef was saved by a human who deserted. It is a loop.


This whole part is awkward. First, it feels like a time skip, since we never actually saw them arrive at the rock. Second, it adds nothing to the story.

Stupid bacon criteria...

(They already shot him What's the point in telling him to freeze?)

This was directed at Casper.

Thanks, Greg! You've been helpful.

gmartyt
04-16-2015, 01:32 AM
I like the first panels. It sets a brutal tone for the rest of the story.

The rest of the story doesn't seem brutal. More on that in a bit.

Except, that I said "Kurshef from the front". That puts Casper behind him. And it is still described foreground to background. Which is still technically correct.

It may be correct, but it's still a little disorienting.

Why? The previous panel has three bubbles already, anyway.

This might be more personal preference. I just thought this line fits in better with the dialogue of the previous panel.

It might need some work, but it does not come from nowhere. He is not a soldier because he deserted.

You got me there. It is extremely blunt, however.

I thought about your story some more, and I realized that nothing really happens. It's essentially an alien dragging a man through the desert. Doesn't that sound boring? Make them do stuff (other than walking and talking).

Schuyler
04-16-2015, 11:48 AM
The rest of the story doesn't seem brutal. More on that in a bit.

You are right, but the war is. The part with Chainsaw is my favorite, and it was even longer, but also one of the first things I started cutting.

I thought about your story some more, and I realized that nothing really happens. It's essentially an alien dragging a man through the desert. Doesn't that sound boring? Make them do stuff (other than walking and talking).

You are right, again.

In the original plot Casper is not blind and realizes the truth about Kershef immediately. They eventually get spotted by a Creytan patrol and Kershef saves Casper's life again.

I started scripting and realized I didn't have room for that stuff. Perhaps, as I get better these problems will start ironing themselves out.

Thanks, Greg!

Kiyoko, Rin
04-16-2015, 06:33 PM
Chainsaw [good job getting one of the challenge criteria out of the way] … has a tattoo about loving his mom [where? You’ve chopped off ½ his body and covered the rest in a desert uniform – i.e. one designed to protect skin by covering it] … the fatigue pattern should be appropriate [it’s night time. How can we tell?].

PAGE ONE (seven panels)

I imagine this page to be a stack of wide panels. Excepting four five and six which would be three equal panels across the horizontal plane. [5 tiers on one page?]

Panel 1.

CHAINSAW:
This whole war is a sham, Casper. I can’t believe we’re gonna die on this godforsaken planet… these are his last words? Said with that timing? Read his lines aloud: deathbed esque? And that ellipsis to trail off... Mr Forbes’ head must have exploded, bearing in mind he recently wrote an article on punctuation = emotion. If you don’t want to change this dialogue and you choose to keep the ellipsis, at the very least put the tag “(weak)” in.]

Panel 2. we may be able to see Chainsaw in the right background. [I’m not an artist, but I imagine this would be difficult. Five tiers on a page means the panels don’t have much height, so perspective and depth would be hard if we have Casper on his back.]

Panel 7.

CASPER:
Chainsaw, is that you? [Too formal and correct. Consider “Chainsaw? That you?”]

PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. Medium on Casper, who puts his hand over his eyes, in a sort of face palm. [I get the image, but don’t describe it that way. Face palms, in today’s parlance, do not equate to grief.]

Panel 2.

CASPER:
Kurshef? [Stick quotes around this.] Is that Arabic? [Is this A) conversational small talk? If so, it’s wholly inappropriate, given the last few panels. If it is small talk, then you NEED to put more time between panel 1 and 2 – change it to daytime, stick an aspect-to-aspect panel in… something, otherwise we’ll think Casper is callous, Chainsaw’s death was irrelevant and / or we’ve just wasted our time reading a page that has no impact. Or B) did you intend for Casper to start asking “whose side are you on” type questions – if I was blind and in this situation, I’D want to know who was dragging me, why, and where etc, especially if there’s a war on. I know that, functionally, your line works because it sets up the line below, which you need to set up that K’s an alien… but I’d find another way in.]

KURSHEF:
I do not think you would be familiar with my place of birth.

Panel 3. Kurshef is center panel with his right side to us. He is dragging the gurney, moving from left to right. We can see a part of Casper on the very left side. [Describe from left to right. Casper first, then Kurshef]

KURSHEF:
I have neither of those things.

CASPER:
Are you a miner? I have never met a miner… [Hmm… To our eye, Casper appears first in the panel but speaks last; Kurshef’s balloon will appear first; the tail will lead us right, where Kurshef is both looking and heading, so our eye is being guided to panel right, then you reverse that momentum by leading us to the left, and from there to the right again. Not saying it’s wrong… but it feels wrong.]

Panel 4.

KURSHEF:
Bwahahahaha! There are no mines on this planet. [OK, good, we have conflict – Chainsaw told us there were mines here, now we’re told there aren’t. Consider building this up – who are we to believe? How does Casper feel, if the entire reason the war is being fought is non-existent? <cough> WMDs <cough> ]

CASPER:
The mines could be underground… [To be fair, mines usually are…]

PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1. It is full on day light now and they are resting under a rock overhang that is part of a much larger rock structure. Kurshef is crouched by Casper, handing him a piece of bacon.

KURSHEF:
You should eat something. [You could build on this to make us think there’s a developing bond between the two. That way, when he gets shot, it’ll seem that more has been lost.]

Panel 2.

CASPER:
Oh, mmmph… Where did you get Bacon from? [Unintentional lol. The capital B you used makes me think they’re eating someone called Bacon – and that Casper can tell the person’s identity by taste. Which would be cool.]

Panel 4.

KURSHEF:
I am safer in Creytan territory. [I like the evasiveness of this line.]

PAGE FOUR (two panels)

Panel 1

CASPER:
Kurshef! What happened?! [He either didn’t hear the laser and soldier, or, he heard the laser (but didn’t recognise that Pew = gunfire) but didn’t hear the soldier.]

PAGE FIVE

Panel 5.

CASPER:
I am not a soldier. I am just an old blind man, I won’t harm you. [Ah, a cyclical tale. It would be better, in terms of character arcs, if Casper’s persuaded by the rabid, zealous and promise-me-on-my-deathbed Chainsaw that the aliens are all greedy, violent, untrustworthy, partisan etc. at the start. So that, by the end, Casper’s completely turned around.]

Schuyler
04-16-2015, 08:35 PM
Rin, so many good critiques.

[Hmm… To our eye, Casper appears first in the panel but speaks last; Kurshef’s balloon will appear first; the tail will lead us right, where Kurshef is both looking and heading, so our eye is being guided to panel right, then you reverse that momentum by leading us to the left, and from there to the right again. Not saying it’s wrong… but it feels wrong.]

I thought about this and imagined Kurshef's dialogue in the top left of the panel, and Casper's in the bottom right. I think it would work.