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TrickyZombie
04-11-2015, 08:48 PM
PAGE ONE

Panel 1: Planet Xos, a massive ivory globe, can be seen orbiting in the galactic backdrop as two tiny blazing streaks rim along the planetary outskirts, one in hot pursuit of the other.

BROCKTON NARRATION CAPTION:
Love’s an emotion humans can barely grasp. If it’s alien to most humans, safe to say it’s alien to aliens. They’ll never understand why we sacrifice our lives in love’s name, or why we rather be worm chow, than be captured by them.

Panel 2: Extreme dynamic angle on an indigo metallic squid-head vessel shooting at a shoddy rusty trapwing spacecraft, that’s peppered with BACONIZER logos ala NASCAR fashion, as one of the laser beams pierces its hull in a fiery spark.

BROCKTON NARRATION CAPTION:
Escaping Squiddo nether-regions…

SFX: Z’KOW Z’KOW

SFX: ZA-BOOM!

BROCKTON NARRATION CAPTION:
…well, trying to…


PAGE TWO:

Panel 1: Tight cockpit angle on BROCKTON SPIRES, gritting his teeth as he tries maintaining control of the trapwing. MELBA TAROK, sits just behind Brockton, totally unresponsive, with sluggish eyelids.

BROCKTON:
You okay starlight? Starlight? Melba, baby, talk to me!!

Panel 2: The smoking trapwing plummets through the chalky white sky of Planet Xos’ atmosphere, barreling towards the milky white sea below.

Panel 3: Close-up on the trapwing crashing through the choppy white waters.

Panel 4: Trapwing now sinks through the cloudy ocean.

Panel 5: Blurry POV shot from Brockton’s perspective in the murky white, as the cockpit glass’s being ripped out by zigzagging black tentacles.

Panel 6: Distant panoramic angle of the squid-head ship hovering above the ocean, as three squid-like alien creatures stand on the vanilla waves while pulling out Brockton from beneath.

BROCKTON (screaming):
Melbaaaaaaaa!


PAGE THREE:

Panel 1: Extreme close-up on Brockton’s bloodshot eyes.

BROCKTON (weakly):
Don’t be dead… Please, Melba…

Panel 2: Brockton, suspended face down in the air, is held up by each of his limbs which are submerged in a gelatinous substance between two mucous membrane walls. A lanky squid-like alien glowers at him. He holds a large metallic tray which contains some of Brockton’s personal effects.

BROCKTON (screaming):
Is she dead?! Answer me! I know you squiddos understand human words! Where’s Melba Tarok?!

Panel 3: Close-up on the items on the tray. There’s a small stack of CD albums, the one on the top is a Chuck Berry Greatest Hits album, a black and white photo of Brockton and Melba, a freshly sealed bag of BACONIZER’S BACON GO-STRIPS, and a streamlined tungsten hilt in a rectangular shape, with a cross etched on the opposite corners.

Panel 4: The squid-like alien grabs the hilt.

SQUIDDO:
BROCKTON SPIRES, U’RA BACON, MUSIC, H’LEBB PI R’OHM RENIK A’NI?

BROCKTON:
Want to know what that is, don’t you, squiddo? Come closer. I’ll tell you. It’s not like I’m going anywhere…

Panel 6: The squid-like alien bangs the hilt on Brockton’s forehead.

SQUIDDO:
RENIK A’NI?!!

BROCKTON THOUGHT CAPTION:
But Johnny is…


PAGE FOUR

Panel 1: Close-up on the tungsten hilt powering up in the tentacles hand, as lights flash along the casing.

BROCKTON (screaming off panel):
Go Johnny, go!

SFX: ZZRREEEEE

Panel 2: A Chainsaw knife blade pops from within the tungsten hilt as its serrated edges slice the tentacles holding it. Squiddo shrieks.

SFX: RRRRIPRIPRIPRIP

SQUIDDO (shrieking):
AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!

Panel 3: The chainsaw knife blade drops through the gelatinous substance imbibing Brockton’s right arm, setting it free.

Panel 4: Close-up on Brockton’s right hand gripping his voice-activated chainsaw knife blade.

BROCKTON (off-panel):
Good, Johnny!

Panels 5,6,7: Thin conjoining panels showing streak of white flash slicing through the gelatinous goop imprisoning Brockton’s limbs.

Panel 8: Brockton towers over the agonizing squiddo holding Johnny in a kill-stance, but with a confounding look on his mug.

BROCKTON:
This thing you’re curious about Squiddo, is Johnny, my voice-activated chainsaw knife, that’s seconds away from dicing you into fresh calamari—


PAGE FIVE

Panel 1: Close-up on Melba’s serene face, which is slightly jutting out from the purplish membrane wall which completely engulfs the rest of her body.

BROCKTON (yelling off panel):
Melba!!!!

Panel 2: Tight profile shot of Brockton impaling Johnny downward, slicing through the membrane prison, as thick gobs of pink slime spurts out from the sinewy dangling tissue.

SFX: SPLUURSH!

BROCKTON:
Starlight, don’t fizzle out on me! Your lunar buckaroo is here!

Panel 3: Brockton wrestles out a lifeless Melba from within the cutout membrane wall.

BROCKTON:
No, no, no, Starlight… No… Please…

Panel 4: Close-up profile of Brockton holding Melba’s heart-shaped face in his thick rugged palms while he kisses her dead lips (foreground), as a gang of Squiddos stand behind them (background).

BROCKTON:
Starlight, I’m so sorry I couldn’t rescue you the way you rescued me… I Love you, Melba…

Panel 5: Same shot as Panel 4, except that now Brockton’s turned toward the leering Squiddos and Melba’s head is lowered, while chainsaw Johnny is raised towards his jugular.

BROCKTON NARRATION CAPTION:
Love’s an emotion humans can barely grasp. If it’s alien to most humans, safe to say it’s alien to aliens. They’ll never understand why we sacrifice our lives in love’s name, or why we rather be worm chow, than be captured by them.

BROCKTON (weakly):
Forgive me, God…

Panel 6: Extreme close-up of Brockton stabbing the chainsaw knife into his jugular.

SFX: ZZLLIIITT

BROCKTON (groaning):
UURRGGHHN!

Panel 7: Super-tight overhead shot of Brockton lying with Melba along the floor. Blood cascades from the thin horizontal slit on his neck. His watery eyes are glanced upward as he smiles wryly at the Squiddos, whose towering overcast shadows eclipse the bodies of him and Melba.

BROCKTON NARRATION CAPTION:
Escaping Squiddo nether-regions…

SamRoads
04-12-2015, 10:14 AM
Squid-like aliens glower and leer. Have you decided what their faces look like? Squids kinda cannot glower or leer.

Starlight? Who or what is it?

You’re lunar buckaroo is here! - Presumably 'your'

You want page 1 (and all odd numbered pages) to end with some kind of question, either actual or narrative. Page 2 is a lot of padding.

TrickyZombie
04-12-2015, 11:09 AM
The Squiddos would have a squid-like face where facial expressions are discernible, to justify the leering/glowering/scowling/hurting looks on their faces.

Starlight is Melba's pet name Brockton calls her out of love.

Yes, presumably "your" ; )

Thanks for that tip on the odd numbered pages. Will definitely implement that in future scripts. Where did you hear of that tip?

Actually came across this challenge 2 days ago and began writing it while working my menial government job, which is both physically and mentally exhausting. Was so happy that I was able to meet the challenge deadline and get some productive feedback!

Big Thanks, Sam!

SamRoads
04-12-2015, 11:29 AM
www.comixtribe.com Bolts and Nuts taught me a lot. Also listening to Robert Kirkman's description of how he made the Walking Dead such a page turner.

Schuyler
04-14-2015, 12:15 PM
Hey, Tricky Zombie.

I am apparently the word cop. You also failed to meet the criteria of "at least 200 words of spoken dialogue". I'll come back and try to say something constructive about your script, but I am going to go police some more scripts.

Schuyler
04-14-2015, 04:52 PM
I wanted to say that I like this script.

I noticed that you are a bit on the prosy side, and people always say that is a no no. For instance, you say something about vanilla waves. It sounds cool but cannot be drawn by an artist.

For the record, I think your page turns are good despite the lack of questions that Sam pointed out.

Dropsies. The narration is there at the beginning and then appears again at the end. I feel like it could work though, and that’s all that matters.

I read your script twice now and I don’t have a lot to say. There is not a lot of dialogue, but there is some good action.

Nice one!

-Sky

TrickyZombie
04-15-2015, 10:20 AM
Thanks for clarifying the dialogue amount. I was factoring in the narration to that as well, my bad. If I would've realized that, would of had a much different script ; )

Appreciate the feedback!

I'll give yours a read and let you know my thoughts!

SamRoads
04-15-2015, 04:37 PM
What's the message? If we agree on 'show me don't tell me', how has the story shown us why a human would rather commit suicide than get captured by the aliens?

It's a pretty horrific ending. If doing so was going to save the life of his love, then that makes some sense. But I'm not sure what the logic is about getting captured.

In WW2 those captured by the Nazis strove jolly hard to escape and rejoin the war. Why isn't that an option for our hero?

TrickyZombie
04-15-2015, 04:49 PM
I was initially going to go with Melba's eyes opening just as Brockton was bleeding out, but it seemed too similar to The Mist ending.

When he realizes she's alive and not dead, he simply hands her the chainsaw knife he just slit his throat with, so she can defend herself.

That's the ending I wanted, and if I went that route, perhaps the script would've had a better message.

gmartyt
04-16-2015, 02:23 AM
This may just be me, but I had trouble caring about Melba. I mean, she was unconscious the entire time. You mentioned that she was Brockton's lover, but I'm not seeing it. (Again, show, don't tell.)

If doing so was going to save the life of his love, then that makes some sense.

I can't stop reading this as a typo of "love of his life."

TrickyZombie
04-16-2015, 09:59 AM
This feedback is precious! I'm already motivated to tweak some minor stuff!

I'll make sure the spoken dialogue hits 200 words!

I'll be making edits later today!

Thanks Sam, Sky, and Gmarty!