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whitewolf
03-22-2015, 12:20 AM
Hey everyone. I got some really useful feedback on my opening scene and I tried to incorporate into this next scene. I also wanted to once again thank everyone who commented on my last post.

Honestly the biggest problem I have here is I'm worried the scene's boring since there's no action. It isn't boring to me, but I always have trouble striking a balance between action scenes and character-building. Also the 7th page only has three panels which feels odd to me. I think I need to find a way to construct the scene a bit better. Anyway let me know what you think please.


FIVE (four panels)

Panel 1: A wide shot of a bedroom. The room is small and cluttered, but not really dirty. A poster hangs on the wall above the bedís headboard. There are two open doors. One leads to a bathroom and the other to rest of the apartment. Tyler is sitting on the foot of his bed while Kyle is cleaning his wounds. Kyle is a few inches taller than Tyler with a similar build, dark brown hair and green eyes. Tyler has silvery blonde hair and the Vortex costume is lying on the bed beside him.

Tyler: Damn it, Kyle! That hurts!

Kyle: You know Tyler for a superhero youíre really kind of whiney. How did this happen anyway?

Panel 2: Kyle has finished cleaning and bandaging Tylerís wound. Tyler is now laying on his back holding Kyleís hand.

Tyler: Um there was a werewolf.

Panel 3: A close up of Kyleís face. He looks bemused.

Kyle: Werewolves? Really? I spent my evening making over-priced mochas for lawyers while you were out fighting monsters? This is so unfair.

Tyler: Overpriced mocha? Oh did you bring me one? I could really use the energy.

Panel 4: A mid-range shot of the bedroom but close enough to clearly see the boysí faces. Kyle is glaring at Tyler.

Kyle: Go take a shower, wolf boy. I donít want fleas in the bed.


SIX (four panels)

Panel 1: Matt and Tyler are sitting on their couch in the living room. They are playing a videogame. The room is fairly small and there is no wall separating it from the kitchen. The wall with the door leading to their bedroom is taken up by bookshelves.

Kyle: I win!

Panel 2: A close up of the boys. Tylerís face is set in an expression of frustration whereas Kyle is smiling.

Panel 3: Tyler has stood up and his controller is laying on the floor.

Tyler: You are a freak of nature!

Tyler: No normal person can be that good with the freaking Ice Climbers!
Kyle: Youíre just mad because you have to cook dinner now.

Panel 4: Tyler is in the kitchen crouched in front of the open fridge.

Tyler: Fine! I didnít want to eat TV dinners again anyway which, incidentally, does not count as cooking dinner!


SEVEN (three panels)

Panel 1: Tyler is sitting on the couch in front of his laptop. Kyle is next to him watching TV.

Kyle: Why does prime time TV suck so much?

Panel 2: A close up of a search page for ďSunstone.Ē The page displays results relating to the myths about the stone and its recent theft.

Tyler: Uh I'm kind of busy here.

Panel 3: Kyle has turned his attention from the TV and is now looking over Tylerís shoulder.

Kyle: Find anything useful?

Tyler: Nothing. I hate to say it, but so far my only real lead on who bought the Stone is the seller and I donít even know who they are.

Tyler: But I know someone who might be able to tell me.

gmartyt
03-22-2015, 02:27 AM
First, punctuation. For example:

Tyler: Um(,) there was a werewolf.

Tyler: Uh(,) I'm kind of busy here.

The dialogue isn't too bad, but there's too much per balloon. This gives the impression that the characters are talking very fast.

Your scene description could use a little more. You mention a few things that are in the room, but not where they are placed.

Lastly, this is technically three separate scenes. Sure, they take place in the same location, but each page is about something different. Page one is about Tyler coming home hurt, page two is Tyler and Kyle playing video games, and page three is about Kyle doing research. None of these things have anything to do with each other. I'd recommend rewriting these three pages so that they focus on only one of these, preferably the research.

Hope this helps.

Kiyoko, Rin
03-22-2015, 02:00 PM
Some quick thoughts on an initial readthrough:

- I'd say what's on the poster, just because it's an easy way in to the character's interests. (Posters of women / guns / My Little Pony / bank vault building schematics would all tell us different things.)

- Don't worry about the lack of action. As you may have read elsewhere, dialogue is supposed to progress plot and / or character. In terms of plot, the three pages here aren't too idle - the 1st is the recovery from the preceding action, the last page sets up the next action, page 6 is the only one I'd worry about.

- The dialogue seemed off to me, but this might just be because of the missing punctuation.

- How much time has passed between page 5 and 6? If the answer's "not a lot" then specify that the bandages / wounds are still fresh, otherwise I'm assuming that over a week has passed, or that Vortex has healing powers.

whitewolf
03-22-2015, 10:20 PM
Some quick thoughts on an initial readthrough:

- I'd say what's on the poster, just because it's an easy way in to the character's interests. (Posters of women / guns / My Little Pony / bank vault building schematics would all tell us different things.)

- Don't worry about the lack of action. As you may have read elsewhere, dialogue is supposed to progress plot and / or character. In terms of plot, the three pages here aren't too idle - the 1st is the recovery from the preceding action, the last page sets up the next action, page 6 is the only one I'd worry about.

- The dialogue seemed off to me, but this might just be because of the missing punctuation.

- How much time has passed between page 5 and 6? If the answer's "not a lot" then specify that the bandages / wounds are still fresh, otherwise I'm assuming that over a week has passed, or that Vortex has healing powers.

Thanks for the advice. As to the grammar I will need to be more careful. I'm good when it comes to prose, but I seem to remember reading somewhere that comas should be used sparingly when it comes to writing comic dialogue. I think I was either given bad advice or I'm simply taking it too far.

Secondly, in regards to the second page that is the one I'm most worried about. I meant it as a character/world building page, but I'm afraid it might slow down the story too much.

SamRoads
03-23-2015, 07:31 PM
David Mamet (playwright, screenwriter, director) thinks that every scene needs to have two forces in conflict. A force is often a person, but is sometimes an environment, or can be something more ephemeral like an idea.

But without any conflict, the scene doesn't do anything. You might say that it reveals character, but you can do that while having something happen.

(Not everyone agrees with Mamet. But I do. I find that if I go through my story and find a scene where no-one is in conflict, I can cut the scene and do zero damage to the story.)