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Lord Herakles
03-20-2015, 11:45 PM
Hello, this is my first post on this forum. For several months now, I've been working on a Star Wars fan fiction comic off and on. I've actually only relatively recently been introduced to the comic book medium. I'm more used to writing traditional prose. I've been doing this Star Wars thing just for fun, but I'm learning a lot about medium doing it. Later, I plan to take these lessons and do my own original universes.

As for the details of the story itself, I basically envision it as a "Secret Origin" story for Darth Vader. It introduces the idea of a multi-verse into the Star Wars setting, where the Anakin Skywalker of the primary universe swaps places with an alternate version of himself. This Alternate Anakin was the one who is seen in the Revenge of the Sith movie. The Anakin of the primary universe goes through his own process of turning to the Dark Side in the alternate universe, constituting the majority of the storyline, before retaking his place in his own universe by the end.

The goal of all of this is to fix the inconsistent characterization of Anakin in the prequel trilogy and the bad writing of the story of how he becomes Darth Vader. I hope this is something that will interest people.

I have already created an initial five page "proof of concept" for my story, editing together screen caps from the movies for the "art." I'm not sure it's okay copyright-wise to post that online. If not, I can put it in script form. But for the time being, here is the first scene of the next part. It features the introduction of a mysterious secret Jedi Council that is aware of the multi-verse.

Scene 1: A dimly lit circular hall. On the far wall is a raised platform, where several dark hooded figures are seated overlooking the floor. Though there is a more considerable number of figures, three of them sit higher than the rest. In the center of the room stands Yoda, addressing the seated figures on the platform.


Page 1:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Camera view behind Yoda, facing the figures.


Lead Figure: (remains seated, but imposing)
"You are sure he is not from our universe?"


Yoda:
"Indeed. Not the least bit of doubt do I have."


Panel 2: Middle third of page. Opposite camera view to previous panel.


Lead Figure:
"And you are aware of this council's mandate?"


Yoda:
"Yes. To protect our reality from any potential invaders from other universes you were founded."


Lead Figure:
"And if this Skywalker proves to be a threat..."


Panel 3: Bottom third of page. Yoda closeup.


Yoda:
"Eliminate him we must, yes. However, believe I do not that pose any danger to us he does."


Page 2:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Wide camera view of all the seated figures.


Lead Figure: (stands up)
"You have no way of knowing that!"


Leftmost Figure: (leans forward in his chair)
"I say we should strike preemptively. Kill him now before he has a chance to do any real damage."


Panel 2: Middle left sixth of page. Camera focuses on one of he figures from the above panel.


Rightmost Figure: (arms crossed)
"The point may be moot my friend. Windu has already taken him into custody and intends to put him on trial."


Panel 3: Middle right sixth of page. Similar camera view, but focused on a different figure.


Leftmost Figure: (points at Rightmost figure angrily)
"Don't be naive. We all know how powerful Skywalker has the potential to be. Windu isn't strong enough to challenge him if it comes to blows."


Panel 4: Bottom third of Page. Yoda closeup.


Yoda: (holds his hands up to calm them)
"Councilors, please. Less dangerous is this Skywalker than his counterpart from our own universe. The council's duty it is..."


Page 3:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Closeup of Lead Figure.


Lead Figure: (stands up angrily)
"Do not presume to dictate this council's duty, Yoda! We elected you to be the mediator between us and the public face of the Jedi Council, not to lead us!"


Panel 2: Middle third of Page. Yoda closeup.


Yoda:
"Elected me you did, yes. Because trust my judgement you always have. Trust me now more than ever you must. An innocent Skywalker is, who returned to his home must be."


Panel 3: Bottom third of page. Closeup of Leftmost Figure.


Leftmost Figure: (points at Yoda accusingly)
"If you're wrong about him, Yoda, we will hold you personally responsible."

Like I said, I am used to writing prose short stories. This is my first time writing a comic, so there's probably a lot that could use work.

whitewolf
03-22-2015, 12:00 AM
I just gave it a quick skim and keep in mind I'm new to writing comics too, but one potential problem I see is how short the scene descriptions are. Remember the script is a blue print for the artist so you want to make sure you give as much detail as needed to set the scene.

Keep in mind that I'm not an artist so an experienced artist might find they have plenty to work with. It just seemed a bit thin to me.

Lord Herakles
03-22-2015, 01:23 AM
Thanks for the input. I really have no idea how detailed to make the descriptions, as I've not yet actually worked with any artists. I've read conflicting advice on the internet. Many say to leave descriptions vague to allow the artist more creative freedom, though my natural inclination as a writer is to paint as vivid a picture as possible with my own words. I really don't know at this point. I tried to limit the descriptions in the script above to only what is absolutely necessary to understand what is going on, but I can fill it out more if that's what's best.

I was really trying to focus on the dialogue here, as there is a lot of exposition necessary to introduce this whole secret council thing. Did I do a good job of having the characters explain things in a way that sounds natural, without going so far as to bore the reader?

Also, I'd really like to know if I can post those initial five pages I mentioned. The scene detailed above will make a lot more sense that way, but I'm nervous about the fact that I used images from the movies. Is this okay copyright-wise?

whitewolf
03-22-2015, 01:30 AM
Thanks for the input. I really have no idea how detailed to make the descriptions, as I've not yet actually worked with any artists. I've read conflicting advice on the internet. Many say to leave descriptions vague to allow the artist more creative freedom, though my natural inclination as a writer is to paint as vivid a picture as possible with my own words. I really don't know at this point. I tried to limit the descriptions in the script above to only what is absolutely necessary to understand what is going on, but I can fill it out more if that's what's best.

I was really trying to focus on the dialogue here, as there is a lot of exposition necessary to introduce this whole secret council thing. Did I do a good job of having the characters explain things in a way that sounds natural, without going so far as to bore the reader?

Also, I'd really like to know if I can post those initial five pages I mentioned. The scene detailed above will make a lot more sense that way, but I'm nervous about the fact that I used images from the movies. Is this okay copyright-wise?
Yeah the issue of how much detail to give is a tricky one because you do want to give the artist enough creative freedom to work with, but at the same time you don't want him or her to have to guess what you want in the scene.

As for the second question I honestly can't answer. I wouldn't think it would be a problem since you aren't profiting from this or anything. I wouldn't be so much worried about legal issues as site rules in this case. Though I'm not a lawyer so I really can't say anything for certain regarding this.

gmartyt
03-22-2015, 02:43 AM
Couple of things.

Lead Figure: (stands up)

The part in parentheses should be in the panel description. Furthermore, it's a moving panel. Try to think of it as a still image.

Camera focuses on one of (t)he figures from the above panel.

You know which figure this it. Say so in the panel description.

"Don't be naive. We all know how powerful Skywalker has the potential to be. Windu isn't strong enough to challenge him if it comes to blows."

Dialogue doesn't have quotation marks. Also, this line is a little blunt.

However, believe I do not that pose any danger to us he does.

This line is very close to being complete gibberish. Yoda tends to speak in very short sentences. Not only that, but he doesn't speak with the different sentence structure. I'd recommend going back to the movies and really listening to how he speaks (this kind of stuff can be really tricky).

Hope this helps.

whitewolf
03-22-2015, 02:54 AM
Gmarty made a good point about moving panels. I have a bit of trouble with them too and I imagine most new writers do. For me it helps to think of things in past tense. So instead of writing something like "the figure stands up" write "the figure has stood up."

Steven Forbes
03-22-2015, 03:54 AM
Also, I'd really like to know if I can post those initial five pages I mentioned. The scene detailed above will make a lot more sense that way, but I'm nervous about the fact that I used images from the movies. Is this okay copyright-wise?

Post away. You're fine.

Lord Herakles
03-22-2015, 07:24 PM
Thank you all for the feedback. I will get to work on a revised version of that scene. In the mean time, I would like to post the initial five pages, but I don't know how to do that. I have them in JPG format, but there doesn't seem to be an attachment feature when I post in this forum. Do I have to upload it somewhere else and link to that?

SamRoads
03-22-2015, 07:36 PM
There is a ridiculously good, free resource which will teach you how to be a moderately good comic script writer at www.comixtribe.com

Check out the 100 articles in the Bolts and Nuts column. It might take you a month to read them all, but if you want to get better, it takes time.

Of course this will only make you moderately good. The bit from moderate to amazing... is up to you. :)

whitewolf
03-22-2015, 07:43 PM
There is a ridiculously good, free resource which will teach you how to be a moderately good comic script writer at www.comixtribe.com

Check out the 100 articles in the Bolts and Nuts column. It might take you a month to read them all, but if you want to get better, it takes time.

Of course this will only make you moderately good. The bit from moderate to amazing... is up to you. :)
On this note I also suggest checking out the Proving Grounds as well. It's also on Comixtribes, OP.

Lord Herakles
03-23-2015, 01:04 AM
Thanks, I'll be sure to check that site out. But I really want to know how to post those first five pages. Do I have to make an account on something like Deviant art in order to upload them?

Oh, and here's the updated version of that scene. I beefed up the scene description a bit, fixed a whole bunch of formatting stuff, and lots of other little things. I also changed the way I refer to the hooded figures. Instead of "leftmost figure" or "rightmost" I have assigned each of them a letter and added descriptions for each of them at the start.


Scene 1: A dimly lit circular hall. On the far wall is a raised platform, where several dark hooded figures are seated overlooking the floor. Though there is a more considerable number of figures lined up around the platform, three of them sit higher than the rest. The only faint light comes in from the ceiling, casting ominous shadows across what little is visible of the figure's faces under their hoods. In the center of the room stands Yoda, addressing the seated figures on the platform. He can be seen the most clearly of anything else in the scene, as he is standing directly under the light source above.

Characters:
Yoda - appears as he does in all the movies
Figure A - The figure in the center, raised the highest of them all. He sits the most upright and seems to command the most respect.
Figure B - The leftmost figure. He sits slightly hunched forward, staring the most intensely and suspiciously at Yoda.
Figure C - The rightmost figure. He sits back more relaxed and thoughtful.


Page 1:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Camera view behind Yoda, facing the figures.


Figure A:
You are sure he is not from our universe?


Yoda:
Indeed. Not the least bit of doubt do I have.


Panel 2: Middle third of page. Camera view behind and slightly above Figure A, facing Yoda.


Figure A:
And you are aware of this council's mandate?


Yoda:
Yes. To protect our reality from any potential invaders from other universes you were founded.


Figure A:
And if this Skywalker proves to be a threat...


Panel 3: Bottom third of page. Yoda closeup.


Yoda:
Eliminate him we must, yes. However, pose any danger to us he does not, I believe.


Page 2:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Camera focuses on Figure B, who is aggressively leaning forward in his chair.


Figure B:
You have no way of knowing that! I say we should strike preemptively. Kill him now before he has a chance to do any real damage.


Panel 2: Middle left sixth of page. Camera focuses on Figure C.


Figure C:
The point may be moot my friend. Windu has already taken him into custody and intends to put him on trial.


Panel 3: Middle right sixth of page. Camera view behind Figure C facing Figure B, who is pointing angrily at his fellow council member.


Figure C:
Don't be naive! We all know the rage and power that Skywalker holds within. If it comes to blows, Windu won't stand a chance!


Panel 4: Bottom third of Page. Closeup of Yoda, who is holding his hands up to calm them.


Yoda:
Councilors, please. Less dangerous is this Skywalker than his counterpart from our own universe. The council's duty it is...


Page 3:


Panel 1: Top third of page. Closeup of Figure A, who is standing up from his chair angered.


Figure A:
Do not presume to dictate this council's duty, Yoda! We elected you to be the mediator between us and the public face of the Jedi Council, not to lead us!


Panel 2: Middle third of Page. Yoda closeup.


Yoda:
Elected me you did, yes. Because trust my judgement you always have. Trust me now more than ever you must. An innocent Skywalker is, who returned to his home must be.


Panel 3: Bottom third of page. Closeup of Fire B, pointing at Yoda accusingly.


Figure B:
If you're wrong about him, Yoda, we will hold you personally responsible.

Steven Forbes
03-23-2015, 01:50 AM
You can't post pictures in the writers section. Copy and paste is best.