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View Full Version : Could I get some feedback on my opening scene?


whitewolf
03-06-2015, 05:40 PM
Hey everyone. I was just wondering if I could get some feedback on the opening scene of my first comic script. I have more written, but I didn't want to post too much on my first time and figured people might be more willing to read small pieces at a time. Thanks in advance for any feedback.

Here is the link to the opening scene: https://ericscomicsblog.wordpress.com/2015/03/06/vortex-opening-scene/

Schuyler
03-06-2015, 06:42 PM
I like it, I get a Deadpool feel from it.

There is quite a bit of exposition in your narration, which I am not entirely opposed to, but it could still use some work. Also, there are some grammatical and spelling mistakes.

Vortex says opps, when I think he means oops. Then he says "This is clearly isn't comic-con." The word 'is' does not belong in that sentence. There are a lot of little mistakes like that.

Panel 4: Moonlight has landed a kick that sends Vortex crashing through the crates behind him. He lands sprawled several feet away. He is bleeding from a small, but deep gash on his chest.

This panel description is asking for a lot. Is he crashing through the crates or is he landing in a sprawl?

Panel 3: Moonlight bounds towards Vortex and then leaps toward him.

Same problem with this one. Your character can only perform one action per panel, and not even that, really. It has to be a frozen moment of that action, that our mind can fill in the rest with context.

For future reference, it is easier if you post your script here so that we can quote it with ease, rather than back and forth between two web pages.

whitewolf
03-07-2015, 12:01 AM
I like it, I get a Deadpool feel from it.

There is quite a bit of exposition in your narration, which I am not entirely opposed to, but it could still use some work. Also, there are some grammatical and spelling mistakes.

Vortex says opps, when I think he means oops. Then he says "This is clearly isn't comic-con." The word 'is' does not belong in that sentence. There are a lot of little mistakes like that.



This panel description is asking for a lot. Is he crashing through the crates or is he landing in a sprawl?



Same problem with this one. Your character can only perform one action per panel, and not even that, really. It has to be a frozen moment of that action, that our mind can fill in the rest with context.

For future reference, it is easier if you post your script here so that we can quote it with ease, rather than back and forth between two web pages.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad you like it despite the issues. And yeah I think the biggest problem I'm having as I learn to write comics is the issue of understanding how to make panels work well. It takes some getting used to after you've been writing prose for awhile.

And I'll definitely remember to post my scripts here from now on. I actually debated which to do for this post.

gmartyt
03-07-2015, 04:12 AM
SFX: An animistic howl pierces the warehouse.

Sound effects are typically onomatopoeia.

Moonlight needs to be described better. All I'm picturing is a large wolf. I'm having a hard time picturing a wolf kicking someone or throwing a forklift.

What exactly is Vortex's power? He uses it to stop bullets, pin the guards to the ground, pull Moonlight into a pillar, and slam Moonlight and a forklift into each other. I'm having trouble finding consistency.

There are only two sounds made and only three lines of spoken dialogue. Pretty quiet for a fight scene.

I'm more opposed to the narration than Schyuler. (I don't like narration in general.) If it were me, I'd rewrite the whole thing so that the narration is no longer needed. At the very least, it should be toned down. As it is, there's too much within a short amount of time.

Hope this helps.

whitewolf
03-07-2015, 05:15 AM
Sound effects are typically onomatopoeia.

Moonlight needs to be described better. All I'm picturing is a large wolf. I'm having a hard time picturing a wolf kicking someone or throwing a forklift.

What exactly is Vortex's power? He uses it to stop bullets, pin the guards to the ground, pull Moonlight into a pillar, and slam Moonlight and a forklift into each other. I'm having trouble finding consistency.

There are only two sounds made and only three lines of spoken dialogue. Pretty quiet for a fight scene.

I'm more opposed to the narration than Schyuler. (I don't like narration in general.) If it were me, I'd rewrite the whole thing so that the narration is no longer needed. At the very least, it should be toned down. As it is, there's too much within a short amount of time.

Hope this helps.
Thanks for the advice. As to Vortex's powers I was worried I didn't make them clear enough. They are gravity manipulation powers. Of course the fact that I have to explain that probably means I'm not doing a good enough job of making that clear. Also could I get some clarification by you what you mean by narration? Are you referring to Vortex's thought's? Thanks.

Kiyoko, Rin
03-07-2015, 07:18 AM
My two cents:

Page 1 Panel 1 - you're caught between two stalls here. Either it's a top-down view of the warehouse where we can see the moonlight and night time, but we can't see inside because the roof's in the way. Or, it's a top-down view from the interior, in which case we can't see that it's night time because we're inside. You could put a skylight on the roof?

Page 1 Panel 2 - this panel needs to be connected to the panel before or after (or both). By that, I mean you need to place Vortex. Either show where he is in the top down view (panel 1), or show his face peering out from behind a crate in panel 3. It ties everything together so that it seems sequential. Also, he has a hood that, presumably, covers his hair, but we're told he has silvery hair. This may not be a mistake, but it probably needs clarifying.

Page 1 Panel 3 - your copy (caption / dialogue / SFX) is a little exposition-y and could do with being diluted.

Page 1 Panel 4 - Schuyler's right - you use a lot of moving panels. Give us one pose, not a sequence of movements.

Page 2 Panel 2 - would work better if we saw Vortex's hand in the panel. That way, we'd know that the energy comes from him, and isn't something the bullets are imbued with.

Page 3 - gmartyt's point about Moonlight? I agree.

Page 4 - pet peeve of mine, but gravity only goes up and down. It pulls objects towards the centre of the earth, it doesn't move them side to side, that's tele/psychokinesis. Freefall from Gen13, take note.

Your script has a lot going for it. It's visually interesting, it has action and personality, it knows what it wants to be and what story it's trying to tell. So, kudos.

whitewolf
03-07-2015, 02:49 PM
I just wanted to chime in here again and thank everyone for all the feedback so far. I'm going to spend today trying to fix some of the problems you all have pointed out. Also I do have a specific question. Should I strive to have the same number of panels on each page or can I mix it up if I feel like having more or less fits the flow of the story better?

gmartyt
03-08-2015, 03:12 AM
Science time.

I assumed it was some sort of gravity manipulation. I'm just not sure exactly how it works. For example, the first time Vortex uses his power is to stop the bullet. He uses is it in on the bullets, the bullets fall to the ground. This makes it seem like his ability is to increase the effects of gravity on an object. Later, he uses his power on a steel pillar, causing Moonlight to crash into it. In this case, it seems like he has the power to increase the strength of the gravitational field of objects. Which one is it? Is it both?

pet peeve of mine, but gravity only goes up and down. It pulls objects towards the centre of the earth, it doesn't move them side to side

That's assuming he is only using Earth's gravity. All objects have a gravitational field, it's just too small to have a noticeable effect most of the time. If Vortex was increasing the strength of the gravitational field of the steel pillar, then objects would be pulled towards it, regardless of direction. (That being the case, everything in the warehouse would be pulled towards it, not just Moonlight.)

Basically, make sure you do your research.

As for your other questions: yes, I was talking about Vortex's thoughts, and go ahead and use as many panels as you want on a page (within reason).

whitewolf
03-08-2015, 03:28 AM
I assumed it was some sort of gravity manipulation. I'm just not sure exactly how it works. For example, the first time Vortex uses his power is to stop the bullet. He uses is it in on the bullets, the bullets fall to the ground. This makes it seem like his ability is to increase the effects of gravity on an object. Later, he uses his power on a steel pillar, causing Moonlight to crash into it. In this case, it seems like he has the power to increase the strength of the gravitational field of objects. Which one is it? Is it both?

It is both. I came up with a very rough concept for this character a few months ago, because I didn't know of a whole lot of gravity manipulators and I wanted a power set that wasn't over done. I'll freely admit that a lot of the applications of his power set aren't completely scientific, but then again neither is Magneto's magnetism force fields.