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View Full Version : Can anyone critique my jungle girls script?


liminalsoup
02-19-2015, 12:19 AM
Synopsis: Savage jungle girls fighting dinosaurs.

Length: 22 pages

Looking for: constructive criticism & feedback.

Here is the script: http://liminalsoup.com/ava-lostgirl-script.pdf

thanks!

paul brian deberry
02-19-2015, 01:29 AM
Okay. Formatted well. Good job keeping the panels simple enough for the artist to do their thing.

Nothing original about the idea or they way you laid it out, but it was still well written.

There are a few things, like one panel you properly used the correct spelling of knives but on another you used knifes.

I do stupid things like that with my script all the time so I won't bite you for them.

Good script. Now squirrel some money together and hire an artist. Bring that story to life.

gmartyt
02-19-2015, 02:31 AM
I'm not exactly an expert, but it looks like you've got a lot of moving panels. Stick to perfect tenses (is doing/has done) when describing actions.

Tambi's bow appears out of nowhere. If she had it the whole time, it should have been mentioned the first time she was seen.

I'm not a fan of the captions. Not only do they have nothing to do with what is going on, but they are just explaining Tambi's origin. Imagine if the very first issue of Batman started with him fighting some villains while the captions explain how his parents were killed right in front of his eyes when he was a boy. That's what you're doing.

The dialogue sounds unnatural.

Hope this helps.

Robert_S
02-19-2015, 10:58 AM
Okay. Formatted well. Good job keeping the panels simple enough for the artist to do their thing.

Nothing original about the idea or they way you laid it out, but it was still well written.

There are a few things, like one panel you properly used the correct spelling of knives but on another you used knifes.

I do stupid things like that with my script all the time so I won't bite you for them.

Good script. Now squirrel some money together and hire an artist. Bring that story to life.

I have trouble gauging how much detail to put in. My script was slammed for not having a paragraph of detail (panel size, camera angle, what side of the panel someone or something takes up, etc).

Robert_S
02-19-2015, 11:13 AM
gmartyt is right as far as I can tell.

You have action that shows a character/animal in multiple places in one panel. It's not the same as saying "Batman is running after Joker down an ally." That happens in one place (the ally), with two people (Batman and Joker), performing one act (running).

But your critters are hopping from branch to branch. Treat the branches as individual places in such a case.

You first two captions sound more like panel descriptions than narration.

And her dialog of telling what she is thinking and doing don't sound like anything someone would say. Not really.


These bone arrowheads canít penetrate its hide!


You show that arrows aren't punching through. Adding this is redundant.

Many of the other lines of dialog could be shown as pictures, rather than narrated by the character.


Tambi bounces off a few branches.


Specify ghosting or multiple panels to show this.


Panel 5:
Tambi lands awkwardly on a big branch.
1. TAMI:
Oof!
Panel 6:
Tambi gets up on the branch, looking around.
2. TAMBI:
That wasnít graceful. But it worked.


Again, you showed it, then narrated it by the character, making it redundant.

SamRoads
02-19-2015, 09:39 PM
I based this feedback on the first two pages. I strongly disagree with Paul that it's a good script. In my view it's full of obvious errors of formating, technique and style. But as long as you want to learn and get better, that's not a problem, it's just something you can work on getting better at! :)

Here are some suggestions.

* Write clear concise panel descriptions including where the viewer is in relation to the subject. For example:

"Tambi turns and drops down straddling the branch with her legs"

This could be

"A wide, low shot of Tambi, legs straddling a branch"
or
"Tambi's POV. Her legs straddle a branch."
or
"Tambi, facing us, her legs straddling a branch."

* The above is a moving panel. You have to describe a snapshot, not a sequence. Until you get your head into this mode, you're writing films, not comics.

* Narration makes the reader unengaged. Especially passive, past tense. It's not wrong, per se, but it's pretty likely to make your story less appealling.

* If you must have narration, you need it to appear with a rhythm of some sort. Yours starts and stops.

* Your first two narration lines are weak. The first has a Hemmingway style two sentences. But the second uses a comma to create one sentence with two clauses. You've missed a chance to have balance and parallels between the two. Also, the second panel has 'always' twice in the same sentence. None of this is wrong, but they're things I suggest you could improve.

You've got a great deal to learn about comics writing. However, you can learn it all, for free, at www.comixtribe.com. There are over 100 Bolts and Nuts articles, and every week the tireless heroes of their editing team help a newbie learn to write in The Proving Ground.

Good luck! :)

(I am unaffiliated with Comixtribe)

paul brian deberry
02-19-2015, 10:40 PM
I have trouble gauging how much detail to put in. My script was slammed for not having a paragraph of detail (panel size, camera angle, what side of the panel someone or something takes up, etc).

I'm sorry. It wouldn't surprise me if the slamming came from a writer. Writers can be a buncha pricks. Artist tend to only need the basics. Setting. Main action of the panel. Unless you have a very specific vision for the panel, leave angles to your collaborator. That's what he's good at.

Just put what you feel is important. Remember, if your collaborator wants more they will ask.

liminalsoup
02-20-2015, 01:22 AM
Thanks to everyone who read my script and replied. I really appreciate it. I have taken the comments to heart and made some changes to the script. It was very helpful!

I have sent the improved script to the artist so we will see what he thinks.

Thanks

Joseph