PDA

View Full Version : Radio Man


Schuyler
02-07-2015, 07:30 PM
I am working on a one shot and would appreciate some critique and suggestions. This is the first five pages.

I have set the panel layout on each page, and I know some of you will tell me to leave that up to the artist. My artist wants me to lay it out. I am attempting to do so.

Anyways, here it is.

Radio Man or Monsters are People Too
By Schuyler Van Gunten

Radio Man- He looks like a horrible monster. He’s hunchbacked and his one eye looks like it is always squinting because his forehead is lower there. He grows boils, lumps and scales. He is extremely muscled and would probably be seven feet tall if he stood up straight. He has purple eyes, and does not really grow hair, except maybe where he’s not supposed to. He wears the least amount of clothing possible, without seeing his schlong.

http://s519.photobucket.com/user/skyt4on/media/radiomancharactersketch01-31-2015.jpg.html?filters=77618025&filters[recent]=1&sort=1&o=0

[U]Alex Ripley- is a pale brownish color. He is part Black, White, and Native American. Alex has dark hair and eyes. His hair is short but unruly. He is around thirty five years old. He is a little less than six feet, and does not have a particularly muscular build, though he is fit. He wears a grey radiation suit more often than not. The suits look like stillsuits from the film dune. Except they have helmets, which have gas mask hoses and a glass view window for the eyes. Ripley carries a two-way radio strapped to his left shoulder. His regular clothes would be slacks and a short sleeve button up. His button up can be garish, even a Hawaiian shirt or something.

Jonathan- is part white and part Korean. He has dark hair, with grey streaks, dark eyes and he wears glasses. Jonathan is 52 years old. He is around 5’8 and has a slender build. His hair is short and he keeps it combed back. He will wear a radiation suit as well, but his will be white instead of grey. More often, Jonathan will be dressed like your cliché scientist. Slacks, button up white shirt, with lab coat over top.

Michael- is a typical white guy. He has brown hair and blue eyes. He stands around 5’11 and has a little pudge. He is thirty years old. He also wears a lab coat. His slacks are a different color than Jonathan’s. Don’t waste your time overdrawing this character.

Steph- We never see Steph, except in his radiation suit. He’s white with blue eyes. He’s 6’1.


PAGE ONE (eight panels)
Nine panel grid.
------Wide--->small
Small>small>small
Small>small>small

Panel 1. Radio man comes towards us across the desert. The landscape consists of sand dunes and rocky cliffs. The midday sun is very bright.

NO COPY

Panel 2. We are looking over his shoulder at a water fountain in the desert, but it is a mirage. Beyond the mirage is a cliff drop. The fountain is a large phallic object spouting water. It looks like the bottom of the fountain is buried and the water is just pooling in the sand. The fountain can appear hazy, or it can look as real to us as it does to him. That’s up to you.

NO COPY

Panel 3. He is running towards the camera with wide eyed desperation, the sand of the desert behind him.

NO COPY

Panel 4. Close on his hands they are cupped and about to get a handful of water from one of the pools that the fountain is creating in the sand. If the fountain was hazy than so is this pool.

NO COPY

Panel 5. Similar to the last panel except his cupped hands have come away with sand and rocks. The mirage is gone.

NO COPY

Panel 6. Behind and looking down at him. He roars at the sky with rocks and sand clenched in his fists. His hands are raised to the sky.

RADIO MAN:
Raaaaaaaa!

Panel 7. Radio man is running with his right side to us. He is running towards the cliff drop but all we can see is him and his motion lines.

NO COPY

Panel 8. He has his right side to us still except we are a little further away. He has just done a swan dive off of the cliff. The cliff he jumped from is on the bottom left side of the panel. Behind him is just the sky.

NO COPY


PAGE TWO (six panels)
Nine panel grid.
------Wide---->small
Small>------Wide----
-------Wide---->small

Panel 1. Radio man struck the ground below, and his impact sent up a large cloud of dust. He lays face down. He still has his right side to us and the cliff wall is panel left. The background is just sand, rocks, and sky.

SFX:
Pfoooom

Panel 2. Angle reverse. We see his body again but only part of it is on panel in the foreground. The cliff wall is on the right. Standing over his body is Steph, in a grey radiation suit.

RIPLEY (op):
What was that?

STEPH:
It’s over here. It’s some kind of animal or something.

Panel 3. This panel looks like a greyscale, security monitor. Coming down a manmade tunnel are Ripley, Steph, and a third man, dragging Radio Man towards the camera. They all wear grey radiation suits. Ripley is on our left, Steph is on our right. They each hold one of Radio Man’s arms, they can barely lift them. The third man has his back to us and drags the legs. He is bent over and can barely pick them up.

STEPH:
This thing must eat lead!

Panel 4. Security monitoring room. There is a small monitor in the foreground with its backside to us. Michael sits facing us and the monitor, but is only halfway on panel. He is panel left. Beyond him, and panel right, is Jonathan, who stands, his face furrowed in frustration. Jonathan holds a two-way radio in his right hand. Beyond him is a grey wall. The room is very small and the back wall is very close to Jonathan.

JONATHAN:
What is Ripley doing?! They are supposed to be looking for energy, not wasting it!

Panel 5. Radio man lies in the bottom foreground, with his head closer to the camera. Ripley stands beyond him facing us. He is touching the radio on his left shoulder, with his right hand. Beyond him are large metal doors that lead further into the cave. They are closed right now, and have a radioactive symbol on them.

RIPLEY:
Let us in.

JONATHAN (elec):
What is that thing?! And how is it going to help us?!

RIPLEY:
It’s a man, Jonathan. He must have survived out in the open since evacuation.

Panel 6. Michael faces the monitor in the left foreground but he is mostly off panel. He sits at the security desk, with his left side to us. We cannot see the monitor. Jonathan is panel right, and he has a radio mashed against his mouth as he yells into it. We can see that the security room is about the size of a janitor’s closet with barely enough room for Jonathan to stand behind Michael. Jonathan’s white radiation suit hangs on a hook in the background.

JONATHAN:
That’s impossible! Even a couple days out there is deadly! Eight years?! Out of the question!

RIPLEY (elec):
Just let us in, Jonathan.


PAGE THREE (eight panels)
Nine panel grid.
Small>small>small
Small>small>small
Small>----Wide-----

Panel 1. Radio man lies strapped to a gurney in a medical room. He has an IV, and the machine hangs from the ceiling with his hose running to it. The IV machine has an arm that allows it to swivel easily about the room. There is a small desk next to his gurney and it has some more medical machines, but none of them are on.

CAP (Editorial):
A few hours later

RIPLEY (op):
If we keep him restrained, he will never trust us.

Panel 2. Jonathan stands center panel with a clipboard and a pen in his hands. There is a small intercom station behind him. And MRI looking thing off to the right.

JONATHAN:
We don’t need it to trust us. It is dangerous.

RIPLEY (op):
What makes you think that?

Panel 3. Ripley stands center panel, facing the camera, and looks to his left with his head. He is frowning, and squinting in annoyance. Beyond him there is a medical cabinet with a small work area. The work area is covered in unopened scalpels, bandages, and any other medical paraphernalia that you feel like including.

JONATHAN (op):
It has the cognitive ability of a wild animal, of course it is dangerous.

RIPLEY:
Oh! And that’s based on your one conversation, after you sedated him!

Panel 4. Radio man’s eyes are half open as he lies on the gurney. Let’s not zoom in too close, so that Ripley’s bubble will still fit in the panel.

RIPLEY (op):
You’re not thinking long term! He can survive out there! He could get us an atomic battery or something to make more solar cells with!

Panel 5. Jonathan is panel left with his right side to us. Ripley is panel right with his left side to us. They face each other with mouths open, foreheads creased, and nostrils flared.

JONATHAN:
The long term solution is to find out what makes him resistant, not some wild goose chase!

Panel 6. Radio man is fully awake and he is flexing against the straps of the gurney. It is not a full on attempt to break out but more of a test of their strength.

RIPLEY:
Oh! So, your idea is to keep him locked up here and do tests on him! I’m glad we chose such a humane leader!

Panel 7. Jonathan looks at the camera and he raises his nose, and his mouth his turned up but not in a smile. The face that someone makes when they are mocking someone else.

JONATHAN:
And your idea is humane?! ‘I know, let’s send him back into the radiation that turned him into this’… abomination!

RIPLEY (op):
Jonathan!

Panel 8. Radio man lurches against the straps with all his strength this time. They look like they are going to snap.

RADIO MAN:
Raaaaa!


PAGE FOUR (seven panels)
Nine panel grid.
Small>small>small
------Wide--->small
Small>------Wide---

Panel 1. Jonathan stands over his intercom station mashing a button with a panicked look on his face.

JONATHAN:
No! No! No! I gave him a horse dose! Michael, get in here with more sedative!

Panel 2. Michael has entered the room and his rushing towards Radio man with a needle in hand.

NO COPY

Panel 3. Close on Radio man’s arm breaking from its straps.

NO COPY

Panel 4. The arm swung free at the moment that Michael was approaching, slapping him hard in the chest. We see Michael, the arm, and the impact.

NO COPY

Panel 5. Michael’s body has struck the ground. Some motion lines and impact lines show the force. His body hit the ground like a rag doll.

SFX: Thooooom

Panel 6. Michael’s body lies on the floor staring lifelessly.

NO COPY

Panel 7. Jonathan is panel left with his right side to us. He is staring at Riley with his mouth open and his hands out in front of him, palms facing each other. Riley stares towards the camera with eyes wide. His rifle still hangs at his side.

JONATHAN:
Do something!

RIPLEY:
I don’t have anything to sedate him!

JONATHAN:
Don’t be a pussy! You’re going to have to kill it!



PAGE FIVE (three panels)
Nine panel grid. This one is a little different. The first panel is two cells wide and two cells tall. The second panel is two cells tall. The third panel is three cells wide.
Wide and tall>tall--
--------I----->---I--
-----Extra Wide-----

Panel 1. Radio man has broken free completely and he crouches on the Gurney like he is ready to pounce. His face is squinted in pure fury.

RADIO MAN:
Raaaah!

Panel 2. Ripley holds his rifle aimed now but still has a wide eye look of indecision.

JONATHAN (op):
Think about your daughter, Ripley!

Panel 3. Ripley lets loose. He is panel left with his right side to us firing bullets, some of them still traveling through the air. Ripley looks horrified. Radio Man is panel right with his left side to us, and he has already been struck by a bullet or two. His face is contorted in pain.

SFX:
Dakka dakka dakka

RADIO MAN:
Raaaaaa!

gmartyt
02-08-2015, 02:07 AM
Okay, let's see what I can do.

Panel 4. Close on his hands they are cupped and about to get a handful of water from one of the pools that the fountain is creating in the sand. If the fountain was hazy than so is this pool.

NO COPY

Panel 5. Similar to the last panel except his cupped hands have come away with sand and rocks. The mirage is gone.

NO COPY

I'd consider showing Radio Man's facial expression in these panels. This way we can see his reaction at each moment. Right now he goes from happy to angry, but we're missing the confusion or surprise in between.

Panel 2. Angle reverse. We see his body again but only part of it is on panel in the foreground. The cliff wall is on the right. Standing over his body is Steph, in a grey radiation suit.

Steph got there real quick. Was he already there? If so, he probably should have been in panel 1. Otherwise, it seems like he teleported.

JONATHAN:
That’s impossible! Even a couple days out there is deadly! Eight years?! Out of the question!

There's no need to say it's impossible. That's what the rest of the dialogue is saying. The eight years also seems a bit on the nose.

JONATHAN:
We don’t need it to trust us. It is dangerous.

Those two lines don't seem to have anything to do with each other.

JONATHAN:
No! No! No! I gave him a horse dose! Michael, get in here with more sedative!

You might want to put the second part in a separate balloon.

Panel 7. Jonathan is panel left with his right side to us. He is staring at Riley with his mouth open and his hands out in front of him, palms facing each other. Riley stares towards the camera with eyes wide. His rifle still hangs at his side.

Where did the rifle come from?

Most of the dialogue on page 4 feels a bit stiff to me. (Take that with a grain of salt. I tend to be very picky when it comes to dialogue.)

Overall, it seems like an interesting story.

Hope this helps.

Schuyler
02-08-2015, 02:34 AM
Thank you, gmartyt!

Totally helpful. This is not the first time I have heard things, like 'on the nose', or 'stiff'. So, I don't think you are being picky. I will try and think harder about the dialogue on page four.

The other critiques don't seem like they will be hard to address. Take out a few words or sentences that I don't need, and think about some imagery and pacing.

Thank you for your critique,

-Sky

Kiyoko, Rin
02-08-2015, 06:59 AM
Page 1
The opening scene in the desert and fountain would work better if we saw how desperate Radio Man is for water - dry, cracked lips, maybe a delirious look in his eye, slight desiccation to his skin? Whatever dehydration Implies to you should be stuck on his face.

Page 2
Panel 1. Radio man struck the ground below
I’d like clarification of what the ground Radio Man landed on is made of – more desert sand? Rock? Soil?

Panel 2. ... Standing over his body is Steph,
Gmartyt’s point about Steph appearing out of nowhere is valid, and could be answered by shading. Have the midday shadow fall in a particular way across his body in page 2, panel 1, then move the shadow X degrees in panel 2 to imply time has passed. You could also put a vulture or two in there to suggest carrion, if vultures have survived in your post-apocalyptic world.

Panel 3. This panel looks like a greyscale, security monitor.

STEPH:
This thing must eat lead!
As we’re seeing video camera footage, should the dialogue be tagged “Electric”?

Panel 4.

JONATHAN:
What is Ripley doing?! They are supposed to be looking for energy, not wasting it!
in order for the reader to attempt to guess what Ripley is doing we need to Know which one Ripley is. Have Steph drop Ripley’s name in page 2 panel 2. Also, not sure how they are wasting energy – the only energy we’ve seen up to that point would be calorie burning energy, or the electricity used by the video camera.

Panel 5.
JONATHAN (elec):
What is that thing?! And how is it going to help us?!
I like the characterisation of Jonathan. His dialogue tells us a lot about his values and altruism.

Panel 6. Michael faces the monitor... We cannot see the monitor.
Might need to mention that Michael’s face is bathed in light from the monitor so we can tell what he’s doing? (The monitor IS off panel.)

Page 3
Panel 1.

CAP (Editorial):
A few hours later
Consider losing “A few”, maybe losing even “A few hours”.

Page all panels x – y – poor Ripley, he’s always OP! If this was a live action drama, you’d have angry calls from Ripley’s agent demanding to know why he gets no screen time.

Panel 6. It is not a full on attempt to break out but more of a test of their strength.
Telling us Radio Man’s expression would help, as readers can’t know intention.

Page 4
Panel 1. Jonathan stands over his intercom station mashing a button with a panicked look on his face.

JONATHAN:
No! No! No! I gave him a horse dose! Michael, get in here with more sedative!
is “mashing” a moving panel? "Has mashed", instead? If you’re going to put 3 no’s in a row, consider losing the exclamation marks. If an actor read this line they’d need a LOT of energy for the no’s and even more energy after.

Panel 3. Close on Radio man’s arm breaking from its straps.

NO COPY
consider a SFX for the restraints breaking.

Panel 4. The arm swung free at the moment that Michael was approaching, slapping him hard in the chest. We see Michael, the arm, and the impact.

NO COPY

...

Panel 6. Michael’s body lies on the floor staring lifelessly.
if Michael is dead, I’d like more indications in panel 4 just how powerful / fatal that punch was – a SFX of breaking ribs, an agonised expression In the eyes, blood bursting from the mouth or back… something.


Page 5
Panel 3. Ripley lets loose. He is panel left with his right side to us firing bullets, some of them still traveling through the air.
I thought you said this was a one shot. Ripley’s firing lots of shots (lol. More puns!)

Very good script, nemesis. I like the pacing, enough happens over 5 pages to make this a good investment of my time, the dialogue is 99% on point and relevant, the panel descriptions are clear and well detailed. Kudos!

Schuyler
02-08-2015, 11:27 AM
Thanks, Rin!

You have made many good points. In fact, I have no excuse or defense. I will incorporate all this stuff in my rewrite.

I just don't understand why you feel the need to pun-ish me. Hehe...

-Sky

Schuyler
02-08-2015, 12:52 PM
I like the characterisation of Jonathan. His dialogue tells us a lot about his values and altruism.

Thanks for saying this. It is important.

Radio Man is the beast and Jonathan is Gaston, of Beauty and the Beast. There is no 'Beauty' in my story.

I have always hated Gaston because he is so damn simple, he is not even human. I think a real human can show a beastly side an still be real.

So, thank you!

-Sky

gmartyt
02-10-2015, 02:25 AM
More stuff. (I'm a little slow.)

Rin brings up an interesting point regarding page 2, panel 2. See, I assumed that Steph got there quickly based on Ripley's dialogue. If you are going to follow Rin's advice, you should probably change Ripley's dialogue. Either way, Steph's reaction is pretty bland, considering what he just found.

Which brings me to my next point; Steph doesn't really do anything. Sure, he's the one who initially found Radio Man, but that bould have been anybody. He does have some dialogue, but it's only two lines, which equate to "here he is," and "he's heavy." I suggest you either use him or lose him. If he's going to be around for the rest of the comic, have him do more at the beginning (he is the one who finds Radio Man). If this is all he's going to do, then you're better off using another character who's going to be sticking around.

And now, the main event; there is no initial reaction to Radio Man. Steph finds him, but barely reacts. They decide to bring him back to their base without so much as a discussion. This is the most important moment in your comic, and you brush over it. Don't do that.

Finally (for now), you might want to consider combining these two scenes into one. For example, Jonathan could be the one who initially finds Ripley, and the two have their heated conversation on what to do with him. Or, it could start with Radio Man already in the lab as Jonathan and Ripley decide what to do with him.

Hope this helps.

Schuyler
02-10-2015, 10:22 AM
More stuff. (I'm a little slow.)

Rin brings up an interesting point regarding page 2, panel 2. See, I assumed that Steph got there quickly based on Ripley's dialogue. If you are going to follow Rin's advice, you should probably change Ripley's dialogue. Either way, Steph's reaction is pretty bland, considering what he just found.

Which brings me to my next point; Steph doesn't really do anything. Sure, he's the one who initially found Radio Man, but that bould have been anybody. He does have some dialogue, but it's only two lines, which equate to "here he is," and "he's heavy." I suggest you either use him or lose him. If he's going to be around for the rest of the comic, have him do more at the beginning (he is the one who finds Radio Man). If this is all he's going to do, then you're better off using another character who's going to be sticking around.

And now, the main event; there is no initial reaction to Radio Man. Steph finds him, but barely reacts. They decide to bring him back to their base without so much as a discussion. This is the most important moment in your comic, and you brush over it. Don't do that.

Finally (for now), you might want to consider combining these two scenes into one. For example, Jonathan could be the one who initially finds Ripley, and the two have their heated conversation on what to do with him. Or, it could start with Radio Man already in the lab as Jonathan and Ripley decide what to do with him.

Hope this helps.


Steph is a bland person, and he really thinks he found an animal. He got put into this scene because Ripley cannot carry Radio Man by himself. Steph does come back. He is the one who kills Radio Man at the end of the story.

I can't start in the lab. I need Radio Man to be the first character that the reader loves. That means he needs to be alone at first.

I could easily flesh out page 2 to include the initial reaction.

Thanks for the second look, gmartyt!

Schuyler
02-10-2015, 03:11 PM
Which brings me to my next point; Steph doesn't really do anything. Sure, he's the one who initially found Radio Man, but that bould have been anybody. He does have some dialogue, but it's only two lines, which equate to "here he is," and "he's heavy." I suggest you either use him or lose him. If he's going to be around for the rest of the comic, have him do more at the beginning (he is the one who finds Radio Man). If this is all he's going to do, then you're better off using another character who's going to be sticking around.

I thought a lot more about the stuff you said. Sorry about this lengthy response but your critique was on point. This ramble is as much for me as it is for you.

Steph an Ripley do need to talk more on page 2. You are totally right. I guess I glazed over it because Steph is boring. I don't want to spice him up. Steph just does what he's told. So, the conversation will probably be like.

RIPLEY:
Oh, God! He's human!

STEPH:
Are you sure?

RIPLEY:
We have to get him inside!

STEPH:
Jonathan is not going to like that...

And now, the main event; there is no initial reaction to Radio Man. Steph finds him, but barely reacts. They decide to bring him back to their base without so much as a discussion. This is the most important moment in your comic, and you brush over it. Don't do that.

I would disagree that it is the most important part. However, your critique still stands. Thank you!

Finally (for now), you might want to consider combining these two scenes into one. For example, Jonathan could be the one who initially finds Ripley, and the two have their heated conversation on what to do with him. Or, it could start with Radio Man already in the lab as Jonathan and Ripley decide what to do with him.

Hope this helps.

I think you said Ripley when you meant Radio Man, but I understand.

You are not the only one who has said that I should start in the lab. I see that there is merit to that idea. We would still get Radio Man first panel if we started in the lab, and we get our hero in captivation. Not a bad start.

The problem is that we don't see the hero in his own plight. We see him kill a guy almost immediately if I start there, and we didn't spend any time seeing him in his own environment. Nor, do we understand that the outside environment is not a good place.

Your first idea was more attractive to me, but also has its problems.

It is not in Jonathan's character, to be outside helping Ripley. If you want me to expand on that I could.



It is a Frankenstein/Beauty and the beast tale.

There is a monster, who has been warped by a combination, of his own healing factor, and radiation. He desperately wants people to accept him, but even when he looked normal, his high levels of testosterone and adrenaline, made him a monster.

There is a society that needs energy. They cannot even run most of the machines they own. They 'capture' the monster. Their leader discovers how the monster resists the radiation, but he does not want his people to look like the monster. He sees that the monster cannot be a functioning member of society.

The only person that gives the monster what he wants is a 6 year old girl. She draws a crude drawing of Radio Man and underneath she writes. "Monstars are peeple too." This inspires Radio Man to get the human society what they want. He escapes from the humans.

Even though the leader of the human society does not know why, he knows that Radio Man will try and return. He intends to kill him.

Radio Man retrieves an atomic battery from the prison facility that he was detained in before the apocalypse happened.

He is bringing it back to them but they notice what he is carrying too late. The shot has already been fired. And even more unfortunate, is that it missed the monster, and struck the battery, cracking its casing.

It is revealed that the battery was a specific kind of battery, and as it explodes it not only kills Radio Man. It has radiated the area even further and the radiation will seep into their air, food, and water. The human leader sees only one way out. The leader still has the research. They had to become resistant, like the monster.

We see the society one hundred years later. They are unrecognizable as humans. They are monsters.

I appreciate your input, gmartyt. I am interested to hear your side if you still think I need to rearrange the beginning. Page two is only six panels, so I might have room to include more of the finding of the monster.

After hearing the plot, do you still think that is the most important part?

-Sky

gmartyt
02-11-2015, 02:18 AM
Okay, so I might have been a bit over-dramatic when I said it was the most important part of the story. Maybe. Think of it this way; if Ripley and Steph decide not to bring Radio Man back with them, the story doesn't happen. It may not be the most dramatic moment, but without that simple decision, there is no story.

I assumed that Steph was one of the main characters because you gave him a name. Then I realized that the reader never learns his name (at least not yet). Is he supposed to be one of the main characters, or more of a faceless goon? If he's one of the main characters, then I stand by what I said. However, if he's supposed to be a faceless goon, then he's fine as is (although I'd still like to see at least Ripley react to Radio Man).

As to how to start, I was more trying to address the fact that you show two different locations within the first five pages when it might not be entirely necessary. If it were me, I'd have the first five pages take place in a single location (either the desert or the lab) while keeping the dialogue as close as I could to what is already there. (Although, now that you've explained the full plot, I picture the opening being a flashback of Radio Man before he was found, followed by him waking up in the lab. This would allow you to not only show what the outside world is like, but also show the prison facility Radio Man stayed in originally so that the reader will immediately recognize it when he returns there later. But, I digress.)

Sorry for causing trouble.

gmartyt
02-11-2015, 05:53 AM
Even more stuff (I'm so sorry).

First, you can disregard my idea for the opening. I don't like it anymore. I think yours works fine (I'd still add a little conversation between Ripley and Steph).

Second, how long is Radio Man unconscious for? He's unconscious when they first find him, and he's still unconscious when they get to the base. How far away is the base? How long would it take for them to drag Radio Man there? Just something to think about.

Then there's the fact that you skip over Radio Man's first meeting with Jonathan. You suggest that there was a conversation between them, but don't actually show it.

Lastly (hopefully), you have two time skips within half a page of each other, the first being from when they find Radio Man to when they arrive at the base, and the other being from when they arrive at the base to when they are down in the lab. Again, just something to think about.

Sorry if this isn't the kind of feedback you're looking for.

Schuyler
02-11-2015, 11:02 AM
Is he supposed to be one of the main characters, or more of a faceless goon?

Haha! Yeah, he is totally a faceless goon. You are correct that we do not learn his name until later. By the time we learn his name we are not going to connect him to the guy we met in the beginning. It will only save the artist from having to draw two different faceless goons.


Second, how long is Radio Man unconscious for? He's unconscious when they first find him, and he's still unconscious when they get to the base. How far away is the base? How long would it take for them to drag Radio Man there? Just something to think about.

Yes, good call. I have indeed thought about this. It is not something that I chose to explain, though. The base is very close.


Then there's the fact that you skip over Radio Man's first meeting with Jonathan. You suggest that there was a conversation between them, but don't actually show it.

Lastly (hopefully), you have two time skips within half a page of each other, the first being from when they find Radio Man to when they arrive at the base, and the other being from when they arrive at the base to when they are down in the lab. Again, just something to think about.

Sorry if this isn't the kind of feedback you're looking for.

This is good feedback. Not the squealing microphone kind of feedback. Hehe…

I am thinking that I might need to rewrite the beginning. Not sure yet though.

Would you like to look at the whole script? I feel like some of these time skips are consistent and I would like to hear your thoughts on it.

I would be interested in looking at some of your work as well.

If you are interested, please PM me your e-mail and I’ll send it over. And, perhaps you could send me a script of yours.

Thanks for all the thought you have put into this, gmartyt.

-Sky