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GuavaLava
02-02-2015, 03:29 AM
Okay, so I know it has some weak points. I need to make this stronger. Please help.

Zombies and Cereal
By Steven Zapata

PAGE ONE

NOTES TO ARTIST: THE FIRST PAGE SHOULD BE NINE (9) PANELS—3 X 3.
Panel 1:
Let’s start off with a medium shot of a boy (age around 12) sleeping on a messy couch. There are clothes, comic books, and video games on the couch. There is a half-empty pizza box on the coffee table. A video game controller on his lap. It should be clear to the reader that this boy lives by himself or with very minimal parent supervision.

Panel 2:
This is the same scene but now let’s show the boy’s stomach GROWLING.
SFX: KKGGRRRRR

Panel 3:
The boy is walking away from the couch.

Panel 4:
The boy has opened up a cabinet and is looking at a box of sugary cereal. The readers POV is from inside the cabinet. We are looking directly at the boy’s face and the box of cereal (which is the only item inside that cabinet). The boy looks genuinely excited to see a box of cereal.

Panel 5:
Let’s pull out and show the boy standing on a chair and holding a box of cereal. Our view is from behind the boy but he has his head turned just enough so that we can see a confused look on his face. He is shaking the box of cereal.

Panel 6:
Realizing that the box is empty the boy throws his arms and head down in defeat. He has a disappointed look on his face. Same angle as the previous panel.

Panel 7:
Now were are looking at the inside of a closet from the boy’s POV. It is filled with zombie-killing weapons. Shotguns, hatchets, a sword (a Michone from The Walking Dead reference) clubs, etc. YOU MUST INCLUDE A QUIVER FILLED WITH ARROWS. This is a must. Have fun with these weapons.

Panel 8:
A close-up of the boy’s hand reaching for the quiver.

Panel 9:
The boy is now wearing the quiver on his back and is holding the bow. There is also a bat inside his quiver. He is standing in his doorway very proudly and has a sly smirk on his face as he stares at the impeding danger that surrounds him in his very own neighborhood. He is ready for some zombie killing.

PAGE TWO

Panel 1:
Make this a page-wide shot of the boy walking out of his house. The POV is from behind the boy. We can see the quiver filled with arrows. We can see the neighborhood. It looks somewhat rundown. Lawns haven’t been kept and some doors and windows have been boarded up, but it doesn’t look especially post-apocalyptic. Zombies are scattered through the street though.

Panel 2:
Medium shot of the boy pulling back on his arrow. He should be in the middle of the street by now. He has the bow at an angle. The zombies are a little far away so he wants the arrow to fall straight down.

Panel 3:
An arrow is flying through the clear blue sky at an upaward angle.

Panel 4:
The arrow goes through a zombie’s head. The poor zombie’s brains burst out.

Panel 5:
A close-up shot of a zombie lying on the floor with an arrow through his head. The boy is kneeling down and about to pull the arrow out of the zombie’s head. We can only see his hand and part of his lower body. If possible, show the boy’s (extremely) worn-out sneakers.

Panel 6:
The boy is taking a bat out of his bag while a hoard of zombies begin to circle him. Our POV is from behind the boy.


PAGE THREE

Panel 1
A medium shot of the boy inside a neighborhood grocery store. He is now covered in blood. Zombie blood. Not that it makes a difference. The boy is walking past the cashier/owner who looks shocked at all the blood. The man is standing behind thick bullet-proof glass. The boy simply lifts his hand up signaling “hello” and does not turn to look at the man.

Panel 2
A close up of the boy’s hand as he pulls a box of cereal off a barely stocked shelf. A few other boxes of cereal remain as well as some other boxed goods.

Panel 3
The boy is standing in the middle of the aisle and thinks about making a fried egg for breakfast. Let’s give him a thought balloon with an illustration of a fried egg on a plate. The boy is licking his lips in anticipation of the fried egg.

Panel 4
The boy is walking towards the refrigerated food section. Our POV is from inside the refrigerator. We can see the boy through the glass doors.

Panel 5
A close-up shot of the boy reaching for a carton of eggs. There aren’t that many cartons of eggs. We hear the sound of a zombie moaning behind the shelf.
SFX: UUUUNNNNNNNNHHHH

Panel 6
The zombie pushes through the refrigerator shelf and knocks down all the egg cartons. The boy falls down.

Panel 7
The Zombie is on top of the boy. He is struggling to fight him off. Most of his weapons have been scattered.
SFX: UUUNNNNHHH


PAGE 4


Panel 1
A close-up shot of the zombies face from the boy’s POV. This is your typical zombie face—broken jaw, eyeball dangling out of eye socket, etc

Panel 2
Same angle as the previous panel but now the zombies brains have been blown out by a sawed-off shotgun.

SFX: BOOM!

Panel 3
The store owner is standing over the boy holding the sawed-off shotgun and reaching out his hand to get him up. This is still from the boy’s perspective.

Panel 4
The boy walks into his house with a couple of plastic bags.

Panel 5
The boy opens up the fridge and sees an empty bottle of milk. Our POV is from inside the refrigerator. This should look similar to the cupboard panel from page one.

Panel 6
A medium shot of the boy holding the empty bottle of milk. He looks very disheartened.

Panel 7
The boy is once again looking at the door and has his zombie killing bag on. He is ready to get himself some milk.

SamRoads
02-02-2015, 09:07 AM
Make the story about two people. Then you can enjoy their dialogue as this plot plays out.

Think how much less fun Pulp Fiction would have been if Danny and Jules had only been one gangster.

***

Read Bolts and Nuts in www.comixtribe.com. I think you have a story-teller's instinct, but you need to learn some of the usual grammar of comics scripting. Some of your words on the page above are useless and could be cut. In other panels we're missing crucial information the artist will need.

"He is ready for some milk" cannot be drawn. It makes the script fun, but until you're John Wagner you need to try to write very precise, very clear panel descriptions.

GuavaLava
02-02-2015, 04:44 PM
I tried to challenge myself by making a "wordless" (or at least dialogueless) comic strip. I'll consider maybe adding dialogue at some point in the story.

The tip about the milk scene is helpful though. I'll keep that in mind when I revise.

SamRoads
02-02-2015, 08:33 PM
I tried much the same in a recent TPG submission. Intriguingly, also a zombie story.

The problem is that you end up with a very fast read, and perhaps the end story is slight.

gmartyt
02-03-2015, 02:25 AM
There's no light source/time of day mentioned. The artist needs this.

Characters should be described as soon as they show up. If the boy is wearing worn-out sneakers, that should be mentioned in the very first panel.

It feels a bit choppy at times. For example, you have the boy take 6 panels to get to cabinet and check the cereal box, but then proceed to have him put on his gear in the gutter. It'd be fine if it took place between pages (preferably between an odd page and an even one), but as it is, it feels off. (This may be personal preference. Take it as you will.)

Hope this helps.