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mfcisme
01-31-2015, 08:47 PM
I recently wrote this two page script for one of the artists over on zwol. I would like some feedback.

Morrell Miller

Page One - Seven Panels


Panel One

We see JOHN DOE's car stopped at a intersection. The windows are tinted and you can't see him yet. The people crossing in front of his car are a mixture of humans and robot. Some of the robots are more life-like than others, but all the robots need to be at least a little different than humans.

Caption

It's been a hundred years since machines were given the same rights as humans.

Caption

But if you ask me, I don't think they just integrated themselves into humanity. They're controlling it.

Panel Two

This shot we see JOHN DOE'S car as it crosses the intersection.

Caption

And last night, I was stupid enough to say that.

Panel Three

This shot is from inside the car and we see JOHN DOE for the first time. He is a business profesional who is about 25 and is in reasonable physical shape. He is reading the news on a tablet (or something similar depending on the tech level)

Caption

I was drunk. Hopefully no one was listening.

Panel Four

Close up on the console in front of him. "Auto-Pilot ON" is the focus of this shot but probably needs some other stuff around it (speedometer, temperature gauge, that sort of thing)

Caption

But I've never been that lucky.

Panel Five

A comparison shot with last panel, the only difference in that it now says "Auto-Pilot Off"

Panel Six

This panel is our "accident". We need a truely brutal shot of the robot being hit. Arm breaking off, torso cracked in half, head hitting the hood of the car with enough force to leave a huge dent, that sort of thing.

SFX

CRUNCH!!

Panel Seven

JOHN DOE'S car is about halfway into the intersection and two cop cars are blocking the intersection off. We see JOHN DOE standing next to his car talking to a robot police officer.

JOHN DOE

No, you aren't listening, the Auto-Pilot was on. It must have malfunctioned.

POLICE OFFICER

We've checked the computer in the car, it's functioning optimally.

POLICE OFFICER

You took manual control of the vihicle, seven seconds before impact.

Page Two - Seven Panels

Panel One

We see JOHN DOE in a orange jumpsuit standing behind a table (in a courtroom). He is looking forward at the camera and he looks forlorn.

Caption

This is it. The end of a very long month.

JOHN DOE'S LAWYER (OFF PANEL LEFT)

My client pleads not guilty.

Panel Two

A shot of the judge sitting up above the lawyers and JOHN DOE. The juror's box is not visible, but is positioned to the right of the judge. He is a robot made of polished steel with a smooth face with no features except for a small line for a mouth. Both the prosecution and defense attorneys are robots as well and are wearing white and black suits respectively.

PROSECUTION ATTORNEY

Your honor, the state would like to treat this as a hate crime.

Panel Three

We see the judge from a closer distance. The camera looking at him from the left. This shots purpose is to show his very inhuman profile as he speaks.

JUDGE

And why is that counselor?

Panel Four

Here we see the Prosecution. He is looking off camera to his left and pointing.

PROSECUTION ATTORNEY

A witness has come forward.

PROSECUTION ATTORNEY

The witness saw the defendant, publicly admit to hating mechanized people only sixteen hours before the assault.

Panel Five

Another shot of the entire courtroom (minus the juror's box) as the judge answers.

Caption

Shit.

JUDGE

Since that is the case, the verdict is out of my hands.

JUDGE

The jury must decide. As is the law for hate crimes like this, the jury will consist of one human and one mechanized person.

Panel Six

Here we finally get a view of the juror. He is a human male about age thirty and behind him stand a robot with a hand on his shoulder. There are wires running from the robots hand into a jack on the man's neck.

JUDGE (OFF PANEL LEFT)

You will now present data to the jurors and they will come to a decision.

Panel Seven

Another full shot of the courtroom form high on the left side of the room. The not much has changed except that JOHN DOE is now sitting down. He is slouching and looks very depressed.

Caption

It only takes them one hour...

HUMAN JUROR

The jury finds the defendant guilty of the charge of...


THE END

Steven Forbes
01-31-2015, 08:56 PM
Copy and paste, Morrell.

Most aren't going to follow links.

Looks like I'll be making a new thread for writing programs.

mfcisme
01-31-2015, 09:26 PM
I removed the link. And had to reformat the entire script on my phone. So if anything looks weird, it's probably because of that.

Robert_S
01-31-2015, 10:47 PM
I recently wrote this two page script for one of the artists over on zwol. I would like some feedback.

Morrell Miller

Page One - Seven Panels



Seven panels is a lot of panels. They're going to get small to fit them all.


Panel One

We see JOHN DOE's car stopped at a intersection. The windows are tinted and you can't see him yet. The people crossing in front of his car are a mixture of humans and robot. Some of the robots are more life-like than others, but all the robots need to be at least a little different than humans.


Are we looking forward from the rear of the car or back from the front? Is it a sports car or a more conservative business type car? T-Bird? Corvette?



Caption

It's been a hundred years since machines were given the same rights as humans.

Caption

But if you ask me, I don't think they just integrated themselves into humanity. They're controlling it.


Ok, you're establishing the narrator's fear or paranoia.

Character que should be in CAPS. I also believe in capitalizing the PANEL label. As for the panel count, I prefer numbers to words, but I'm not penciling your work.



Panel Two

This shot we see JOHN DOE'S car as it crosses the intersection.


What's the angle? Overhead? Rear? From the curb?



Caption

And last night, I was stupid enough to say that.

Panel Three

This shot is from inside the car and we see JOHN DOE for the first time. He is a business profesional who is about 25 and is in reasonable physical shape. He is reading the news on a tablet (or something similar depending on the tech level)


professional

Is the color of his hair important? Are there any distinguishing marks you have in mind that you must tell the penciler?

Does his car drive itself while he reads? If it does, it's starting to undermine his machine paranoia.

Is he behind the wheel?



Caption

I was drunk. Hopefully no one was listening.

Panel Four

Close up on the console in front of him. "Auto-Pilot ON" is the focus of this shot but probably needs some other stuff around it (speedometer, temperature gauge, that sort of thing)


So he lets an intelligent machine drive his car, so he can read, but he fears machines.

This guy is sounding like an unreliable narrator. Is that intentional?



Caption

But I've never been that lucky.

Panel Five

A comparison shot with last panel, the only difference in that it now says "Auto-Pilot Off"

Panel Six

This panel is our "accident". We need a truely brutal shot of the robot being hit. Arm breaking off, torso cracked in half, head hitting the hood of the car with enough force to leave a huge dent, that sort of thing.


You're being much to vague here:

1. The narrator is using machines, so he has no problems with intelligent machines.
2. I'm not sure why an intelligent machine would need to switch the auto-pilot off to cause an accident. If it were intelligent, it would be on auto-pilot all the way and switch off after the accident.
3. The "accident" scene is far too vague. We don't know what the robots look like. The scene would take more than one panel. You have the lead in, the impact and the aftermath.

I'm going to leave here and let you think about the rest.

One last thing, is the narrator JOHN DOE? If so, why are you using a stand in name instead of his real name?

mfcisme
01-31-2015, 11:00 PM
The reason for most of the vagueness is quite simple, I was just righting the script for an artist who already had a world in mind.

If you read the last panel on the page it makes it quite apparent that the Auto-Pilot being off was the reason he is being questioned and arrested.

Hope that answers your concerns. Though I probably should have gone ahead and described things more and not relied on his designs being complete.

Yes John Doe is the narrator. The reason I used John DOE instead of an actual name is because the story is two pages long and his name isn't ever actually mentioned.

gmartyt
02-01-2015, 02:23 AM
If John Doe is the narrator, it should signify that in the captions. Also, since the captions are narration by a character, they should be in quotation marks.

You spend the first page setting a scene only to go and change location on the next page. If this story is only going to be two pages long, it could probably take place in a single location.

Hope this helps.

mfcisme
02-01-2015, 02:48 AM
Thank you for the clarification on the caption/narration business.

If I had had a choice about the length of the story I probably would have made it between 6 and 8 pages.

gmartyt
02-01-2015, 03:30 AM
There's nothing wrong with a story being only two pages. The problem is that you've got two scenes in as many pages. Unless the artist specifically asked for both, I'd consider using just one of them. As it is, it feels choppy.

mfcisme
02-01-2015, 04:09 AM
He originally wanted an afterward type of thing too. He's submitting it to an anthology so two pages was the limit.