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TheFirstComic
01-30-2015, 07:44 PM
Hello!

First of all, I am new here and so far DW seems like a pretty awesome place to be if you're apart of comics.

I have been writing for about a decade and had finally decided to write a book. The problem is, as I started brainstorming and outlining the story, it sounded more and more like something you would find in a comic. I love comics... my idea would totally fit this, so I figured I would drop the book idea and go with the flow.

I've been at it for about a month now and for the past few days I started writing out my very first script (never wrote a TV or Movie script either, FYI). I'm 6 pages into the comic and decided I should stop before I get too far ahead of my self. Since I'm new to comic scripting, I figured I should try to get some feedback from those who know all about this.

So please, if and when you have any time, I would LOVE for you to take a look at what I have so far. Please feel free to give me ANY kind of feedback. The story, script format, dialog- any and everything would be much appreciated.

Thank you for time!

http://thefirstcomic.deviantart.com/art/Issue1-Script-510628027

- Tommy

Robert_S
01-30-2015, 08:08 PM
Post the script here. Just copy and paste.

But I will tell you one thing up front. Even on a splash page, your captions are too many, too long.

TheFirstComic
01-30-2015, 08:15 PM
Sure thing!

=================
THE FIRST


CHARACTER NOTES

NORTH STARR:
Wearing all black with red Elite arm band from pages 1-6. He dramatically changes between full of anger, overly confident and highly sarcastic- all the while, full of energy.

FARRELL LANDON:
Wearing blood soaked jeans, shirt, and laboratory coat. from pages 1-6. Knowing death is close but relentless to give up.

ART NOTES
Pages 1-6 have a darker tone in color to signify the darkest time in human history.


PAGE ONE – THREE PANELS OVER SPLASH

SPLASH
We see San Francisco Bay with expected appearances from the aftermath of a war. Billows of smoke are scattered under a clear dark night with a full moon.

1. CAPTION: San Francisco, 2027 A.D.

2. CAPTION: It’s been twelve years since the virus terrorist attack. The Elite had murdered three fifths of the world population, leaving a little over four billion to shape the world. You were either cured or you were cursed. How you came out of the flu, determined where you stood after The Great Divide.

3. CAPTION: The Elite took responsibility- the first five super humans that were treated no better than lab rats. They were intent on shaping the world for their kind and achievement would come at the cost of humanities existence. Humans had a fighting chance but only with the help of People For Peace- the remnants of the super humans who refused to join The Elite.

4. CAPTION: Even as the world hated them, these super humans defended them to their own demise. When governments failed to protect their people, People For Peace stepped in to fight. Few cities were won but even that was temporary. San Francisco was the last strong hold and it was the very last hope for humanity.

5. CAPTION: Elite’s leader, North Starr, planed the attack on San Francisco. The Great Resolution was here and he was intent on finding it. Created by P.F.P., the serum was on the verge of being effective in anyone that had the virus. It would unlock the ability to hone all known powers but most of all, it granted immortality. It was only effective in humans that never received the virus but it was theorized that no human went unaffected. Either way, North Starr couldn’t let the power shift and the Great Resolution threatened that. And if he was successful, he would have the opportunity to turn the Great Resolution into a tool to secure his spot as the world leader… FOREVER.


PANEL ONE
View from street level (Haight Street might be a good example to use) with a few dead bodies. Against we can see devastation and destruction.

1. CAPTION: All but one soul of the People For Peace survived. Farrell Landon- a scientist with the power of teleportation. Having been one of the few that worked on the serum, he was trusted with its safe keeping. Unknowingly, he would be the man responsible for giving the world a real fighting chance.


PANEL TWO
View of Coit Tower with the Christopher Columbus statue. The tower is broken in half. Clearly no one has taken care of it the small garden around the statue.

1. CAPTION: He had pushed the boundaries with his powers and came to the conclusion that time travel through teleportation was impossible. But at least he had that. He was one of three men in all of Earth that could teleport and the only one left alive. All he needed was an object and his mind and he could teleport to any location the object has been to.


PANEL THREE
View of the Golden Gate Bridge. Cars litter the bridge with a few sections missing- presumably broken off and resting at the bottom of the bay.

1. CAPTION: He lay in a pool of his own blood, at the feet of North Starr. Death was certain and there was only one way to keep the serum out of North Starr’s reach. How it was done, was unexpected and unexplainable but even in the face of darkness, miracles give light.



PAGE TWO – THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE
Feet level view of a black boots on cheap flooring you would normally see in a hospital. The boots belong to North Starr and are slightly spread apart and resting in a small flow of blood.

1. STARR (OP): It didn’t need to end like this. I gave you a gift. I gave you LIFE and what did you do with it?! You tried to save them… WHY!? They put our people to death!


PANEL TWO
Pull back wider and shift to the right. The tip of Starr’s boots at the left and the legs of another man go to the right. (This will be Farrell Landon laid on the ground with his upper back slumped against a knocked over filing cabinet- which we cannot see just yet.) We can tell that the flow of blood is from this man but the starting point of this flow is still unseen. Background appears to be a laboratory that looks like it’s been a part of a huge fight.

1. STARR (OP): What a waste you and you’re people were. So many of you opposed me and now look at you. The last one, dying in some crap hole in a dead city, while the only living humans are merely cowards that bend the knee at my request!


PANEL THREE
Continue shifting to the right but stay at same level as before. We now see the upper body of the man (Farrell Landon) slumped up against the cabinet. The man is beaten to shit and knocking on death’s door but he still manages to glare up at Starr in defiance. The flow of blood can be seen coming from his stomach- shirt and lab coat are soaked. On the floor next to him is a closed book with “Lost Colony of Roanoke Island” written on the spine.

1. STARR (OP): So tell me… what purpose did People For Peace serve?

2. FARRELL: nnnrrgghhh...

3. STARR (OP): You made peace at least. The destruction of People For Peace is already giving me peace.



PAGE THREE – TWO PANEL

PANEL ONE:
Pull back to reveal the laboratory with both men in full view. We now see North Starr decked out all in black with the red ELITE band around his arm. The Lost Colony book still in view. Starr’s hands are both pointing into the center of his chest with a crooked smirk.

1. STARR: But since I am such a merciful man- one of my best qualities in fact-… I will let you live and forgive you for all your crimes against our people. I’ll even offer you a position within our own Commission of Science and Technology. Hell! You could even work your up the good ol’ corporate ladder if you wanted!


PANEL TWO:
Close up of North Starr’s grin. His teeth are crooked yet whiter than most.

1. STARR: There is a catch though- obviously! I would need something in return.



PAGE FOUR-FIVE – TWO PAGE SPLASH

SPLASH PAGE – TITLE AND CREDITS
Pull back all the way to review the entire laboratory. Now we see a much clearer picture of the laboratory. It is utterly destroyed and now useless, with littered bodies all over the place. A few Elite henchmen are ransacking the place. With the lack of injuries to Starr and the henchmen, it was clear this fight was one sided. North Starr’s arms are stretched out to the side with his head leaned back with a mix look of satisfaction and sarcasm.

1. TITLE: Introducing…

2. TITLE: THE FIRST

3. CREDITS: TOMMY LOUDON - Script & Lettering
- Art
- Color
- Pencil
- Editor

4. STARR: THE GREAT RESOLUTION!



PAGE SIX – TEN PANELS

PANEL ONE
Close up of Landon continues to glare in defiance


PANEL TWO
Starr’s hands are now on his hips with a smirk

1. STARR: “You aren’t going to make this easy on me, are you?”


PANEL THREE
Cut back to Elite henchmen going through boxes, cabinets, and drawers in search of the serum.

1. STARR (OP): “You do realize that if we find it first, the deal is off? Do NOT ignore my generous offer. I absolutely hate scientist, so the fact that I haven’t had your face ripped off is a miracle in itself, let alone my deal to let you live amongst my people.”


PANEL FOUR
Close up of Starr smiling.


PANEL FIVE
Close up of Starr’s smile starting to fade into a frown


PANEL SIX
Close up of Starr frowning in anger


PANEL SEVEN
Ground level close up of Landon’s hand starting to wrap around the “Lost Colonies of Roanoke Island” book

1. STARR (OP): “Okay… option C. Torture.”


PANEL EIGHT
Close up of Landon glaring at Starr

1. LANDON: “Actually, I’ll go with option D. Teleporting with the serum and dying in peace.”


PANEL NINE
Close up of Starr’s eyes bugging out in fear of losing the serum.


PANEL TEN
A visible bright aura surrounds Landon that is so bright, the henchmen need to cover their eyes. Starr, however, reaches out in desperation as he realizes Landon has the serum on him.

1. STARR : “NOOOOO!!!!”

2. SOUND FX: “FFWOOSSH!!”


PANEL ELEVEN
Landon is gone and Starr is on his knees and in Landon’s blood that was left behind.

Steven Forbes
01-30-2015, 08:46 PM
Bolts & Nuts and The Proving Grounds.

The link to both is in my signature.

Good luck! And welcome!

gmartyt
01-31-2015, 03:37 AM
There is a lot of copy, both per panel and per balloon/caption.

Your captions are doing a lot of telling. Is it really necessary to know all of that right at the beginning?

The images on the first page don't fit well with the captions. Generally, the last thing said in a panel should have something to do with the image.

Hope this helps.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-31-2015, 11:02 AM
My two cents:

1) I agree with Robert S' and gmartyt’s comments.

2) Imagery – not sure having smoke at night time will be as effective as you want. Similarly: referencing specific buildings / statues and then cutting them in half – won’t they just look like normal buildings / statues?

3) Panels – I once had a poetry lecturer who said she could tell how accomplished a poet was by looking at their lineation; that if each stanza / verse had lines of equal length, then (I’m guessing) it implied a poet who was confident in their methodology, organised in their thought process, and could execute their ideas consistently. In comics, conventional wisdom says you should have around 5-7 panels per page, with any deviations up or down being for a specific purpose. That’s not a cast iron rule, but it is (IMO) a useful reference point, not least because it’s what the readers expect. Your panel count is 1 (or 3 or 4 depending on if we count the insets), 3, 2, ½, ½, 10 (or 11, depending on if we reference the stated number or the actual number).

4) Punctuation and grammar – I’ll leave this to SamRoads Felix to comment on.

5) Good points: you have a very definite world built up, your camera movement is very deliberate and controlled, you describe static images rather than moving panels.

Robert_S
01-31-2015, 04:01 PM
Sure thing!

=================
THE FIRST


CHARACTER NOTES

NORTH STARR:
Wearing all black with red Elite arm band from pages 1-6. He dramatically changes between full of anger, overly confident and highly sarcastic- all the while, full of energy.

FARRELL LANDON:
Wearing blood soaked jeans, shirt, and laboratory coat. from pages 1-6. Knowing death is close but relentless to give up.

ART NOTES
Pages 1-6 have a darker tone in color to signify the darkest time in human history.


PAGE ONE – THREE PANELS OVER SPLASH

SPLASH
We see San Francisco Bay with expected appearances from the aftermath of a war. Billows of smoke are scattered under a clear dark night with a full moon.



What identifies this as San Francisco bay?


1. CAPTION: San Francisco, 2027 A.D.

2. CAPTION: It’s been twelve years since the virus terrorist attack. The Elite had murdered three fifths of the world population, leaving a little over four billion to shape the world. You were either cured or you were cursed. How you came out of the flu, determined where you stood after The Great Divide.

3. CAPTION: The Elite took responsibility- the first five super humans that were treated no better than lab rats. They were intent on shaping the world for their kind and achievement would come at the cost of humanities existence. Humans had a fighting chance but only with the help of People For Peace- the remnants of the super humans who refused to join The Elite.

4. CAPTION: Even as the world hated them, these super humans defended them to their own demise. When governments failed to protect their people, People For Peace stepped in to fight. Few cities were won but even that was temporary. San Francisco was the last strong hold and it was the very last hope for humanity.

5. CAPTION: Elite’s leader, North Starr, planed the attack on San Francisco. The Great Resolution was here and he was intent on finding it. Created by P.F.P., the serum was on the verge of being effective in anyone that had the virus. It would unlock the ability to hone all known powers but most of all, it granted immortality. It was only effective in humans that never received the virus but it was theorized that no human went unaffected. Either way, North Starr couldn’t let the power shift and the Great Resolution threatened that. And if he was successful, he would have the opportunity to turn the Great Resolution into a tool to secure his spot as the world leader… FOREVER.


Too many captions and too long.


PANEL ONE
View from street level (Haight Street might be a good example to use) with a few dead bodies. Against we can see devastation and destruction.

1. CAPTION: All but one soul of the People For Peace survived. Farrell Landon- a scientist with the power of teleportation. Having been one of the few that worked on the serum, he was trusted with its safe keeping. Unknowingly, he would be the man responsible for giving the world a real fighting chance.


How big is the panel? Is it going to hold that monster caption?
What way is the street running? Top to bottom? Left to right? Are we on the curb of the middle of the street?


PANEL TWO
View of Coit Tower with the Christopher Columbus statue. The tower is broken in half. Clearly no one has taken care of it the small garden around the statue.

1. CAPTION: He had pushed the boundaries with his powers and came to the conclusion that time travel through teleportation was impossible. But at least he had that. He was one of three men in all of Earth that could teleport and the only one left alive. All he needed was an object and his mind and he could teleport to any location the object has been to.



Again, a very long caption. Is it going to fit in the panel?


PANEL THREE
View of the Golden Gate Bridge. Cars litter the bridge with a few sections missing- presumably broken off and resting at the bottom of the bay.

1. CAPTION: He lay in a pool of his own blood, at the feet of North Starr. Death was certain and there was only one way to keep the serum out of North Starr’s reach. How it was done, was unexpected and unexplainable but even in the face of darkness, miracles give light.


The scene is jumping around. You were at SF Bay, then a street, now back to the Bay. It probably would have been better to go from SF Bay to the bridge, then the street.

Again, captions, too long.

I'm not sure you're making good use of the scene if you have to include so much leading captions.

You are info dumping at the start of the story. Leave some in the hole for reader discovery.



PAGE TWO – THREE PANELS

PANEL ONE
Feet level view of a black boots on cheap flooring you would normally see in a hospital. The boots belong to North Starr and are slightly spread apart and resting in a small flow of blood.


When I first started reading, I though this was a side shot. You might want to specify the angle more clearly so the artist can start to envision from the start.


1. STARR (OP): It didn’t need to end like this. I gave you a gift. I gave you LIFE and what did you do with it?! You tried to save them… WHY!? They put our people to death!


Dialog is decent enough. Might want to eliminate the ellipse though. May want to not capitalize LIFE, but keep caps on the WHY.


PANEL TWO
Pull back wider and shift to the right. The tip of Starr’s boots at the left and the legs of another man go to the right. (This will be Farrell Landon laid on the ground with his upper back slumped against a knocked over filing cabinet- which we cannot see just yet.) We can tell that the flow of blood is from this man but the starting point of this flow is still unseen. Background appears to be a laboratory that looks like it’s been a part of a huge fight.

1. STARR (OP): What a waste you and you’re people were.


Misspelling: you're should be your. You're = you are. Your is a possessive pronoun.

Specify if Landon is face up or face down. Using the word slump gave me the impression the body was face down hanging over the cabinet, not face up leaning against it.



So many of you opposed me and now look at you. The last one, dying in some crap hole in a dead city, while the only living humans are merely cowards that bend the knee at my request!


Starting to trail off into melodrama.


I'll leave off for now.

TheFirstComic
02-02-2015, 03:45 PM
Thank you very much, I highly value the feedback you guys gave and will implement them. I truly appreciate it.

A few questions however:

There is a lot of copy, both per panel and per balloon/caption.
I am unsure what you meant by "a lot of copy". Would you mind explaining further?


Too many captions and too long.
I can definitely understand now and see that my captions are too many and I could definitely scale it back and leave out information as you suggested and even update the pages so they fit what the captions are relating to. Is there a general rule or suggestion to how many sentences in a caption or the max caption limit per page? I cannot determine what would be acceptable for the reader as I definitely want to give some sort of idea to the reader on what they are walking into to.

gmartyt
02-03-2015, 01:43 AM
I am unsure what you meant by "a lot of copy". Would you mind explaining further?"

Basically, there are too many words. As a general rule, there should be no more than 50 words in a panel and no more than 30 in a single balloon/caption.

Robert_S
02-04-2015, 11:01 PM
I can definitely understand now and see that my captions are too many and I could definitely scale it back and leave out information as you suggested and even update the pages so they fit what the captions are relating to. Is there a general rule or suggestion to how many sentences in a caption or the max caption limit per page? I cannot determine what would be acceptable for the reader as I definitely want to give some sort of idea to the reader on what they are walking into to.

It depends on the size of the panel. It would try to follow gmartyt's advice, but again, it depends on the size. If you have a splash page, you can have more. In a general sense, you'll get 12 words per line in portrait, so at 50 wrds/pg, that is four lines.

I have some scenes that are dialog heavy. Upwards of 64 wrds, so I'll need to make those panels large or spread it across multiple panels. This is currently, the longest dialog in my story:

BES
Then listen to me when I say, I intend to set you free, Dante. A freedom unlike any other. You'll be removed from the forces that limit your freedom and make you act in need without regard to desire or with desire without regard to need. You'll be able to look at life objectively and without desperation. I offer you this in exchange for your acceptance of the implant and my friendship, but these freedoms come at a price. Not all the memories are pleasant and some are heartbreaking, from times of war and outliving friends and family to the personal experience of death itself. That has been the life of a Ro'shaan and it will continue to be a Ro'shaan's burden, but I will help you to come to terms with it and in the end, you'll never feel bound again.

That's going to require larger panels and still spread across multiple panels, but I think I know how I can get it done.

SamRoads
02-10-2015, 10:37 PM
4) Punctuation and grammar – I’ll leave this to SamRoads Felix to comment on.

It's not polished, but neither is it too bad. A few mistakes which others have commented on and a surprising number of sentences missing the final period, but it's well enough punctuated that it doesn't set my hackles rising. :)

But I'm immediately waving the red flag when I see reams of caption on page 1. Yawn!

Start it off with something really thrilling, like Breaking Bad: a dude in his pants driving a meth lab, with a corpse/dying dude in the seat next to him.

Or as Schuyler admonished me (on Silicon Heart): "More bombs!"