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Steven Forbes
01-04-2015, 09:38 PM
Okay, folks.

It's been a while since we've done any challenges in here, and since one of our alumni needs help, I figured we'd start doing some.

Here are the rules:

The story cannot be longer than 5 pages.

The story cannot be a tragedy.

There must be an artificial intelligence involved.

There must be at least 50 words of spoken dialogue.

The word "enlightenment" must be in the dialogue.

String cheese must be an object, not just mentioned.

The challenge ends on 1/10/15.

Post all stories in this thread.

Let's have some fun!

Alyssa
01-04-2015, 09:56 PM
The story cannot be longer than 5 pages.

The story cannot be a tragedy.



Because Steven knows I'm going to plotz with these rules. :p

Okay, I'll give it a go.

I say that you write one too, Steven. You're too good a writer to hide under the editing hat all the time. :har:

Steven Forbes
01-04-2015, 10:01 PM
I'll write and post one as long as I get at least four entries on this from four different people. Not just promises to write, but actual entries.

So, this means people should get things in early. :)

Charles
01-05-2015, 01:09 AM
Are you wanting a script, or a story?

Charles
01-05-2015, 01:36 AM
It's been a while since we've done any challenges in here, and since one of our alumni needs help, I figured we'd start doing some.

Who needs help, and what - specifically - do they need help with?

Steven Forbes
01-05-2015, 02:00 AM
Are you wanting a script, or a story?

A script. Since this is overwhelmingly a comic book site, I didn't think I'd need to specify between a comic script and prose.

JasonEnosArt
01-05-2015, 02:01 AM
I wrote a kind of simple story.

The Successful Life

“This is as we expected.”
“I know…”
“But shouldn’t we—“
“I SAID I KNOW!” he shouted. He wasn’t feeling kind, especially to an electronic voice. H.E.L.E.N. was his creation, after all. Why should he be bothered by being polite to a machine?
Unfortunately for him, H.E.L.E.N.’s AI simulated emotions had not yet been scarred by his temper as to be silent. “We should begin the next phase of testing. You built me 5 years ago. YOU were seeking enlightenment to these chemical processes.”
“AND?”
“And, “ the calm electronic female voice continued, “You will have wasted those 3 years of building me and the 5 years of testing if you don’t press forward with the acceleration process.”
My goodness, has it been 8 years? he thought. All of those years… He still heard his former drive in her insistence. “You will have wasted”… that’s something he would have said all of those years ago, something he would have said in those 3 years he built her. He’d based a great deal of the AI on his own personality. And now, that spirit is a permanent part of H.E.L.E.N. A spirit that maybe he lost touch with.
He looked around. This used to be a lab. Now he lives here. Damn, he was even too lazy to go home. String cheese, tissues, empty energy drink cans… Wow, is this what his life had come to? So out of touch, driven to the point that, now that the next step is upon him, he’s grown so used to NOT moving that he’s actually yelling at an AI, because HE’S not ready to start something that he’s planned for years?
String cheese? CLAIRE! Oh my, Claire! String cheese was THEIR thing! But how he’s pushed Claire away, being too busy, waiting for this moment. Now that the moment’s here, Claire’s effectively out of his life, because of his passiveness. With the shining moment upon him, all he could feel was a wash of regret. Somehow, the completion of the initial stage of the project seemed less important than before, and he was able to see his own life anew. And now all he could see was how much he’d pushed Claire away these last few months, as the years of work were about to pay off. The string cheese was just a reminder of how he was alone at this moment.
“What am I going to do?” he cried regretfully.
“About what?” H.E.L.E.N. asked, plainly and electronically.
“About Claire. She’s not here… and that’s my fault.”
“I’ve sent her a case of string cheese. Just to remind her that you love her.” Wait, string cheese was a running joke between him and Claire. Did he make an AI with a sense of humor?
“But… why should you care?”
“I’m your message in a bottle,” H.E.L.E.N. responded. “I’m a glimpse of your younger self. I’m not going to let your life fall apart, now that success is here.”
Does he have a machine for a conscience? Maybe he’d put more of himself into H.E.L.E.N. thank he realized. “Man, I’ve… I’ve lived basically alone,” he added.
“Not really. You’ve had me. And I’m also you, or at least, part of you. And I’d say it’s time for me to help you rebuild your life. -- Dialing Claire.”

JasonEnosArt
01-05-2015, 02:02 AM
A script. Since this is overwhelmingly a comic book site, I didn't think I'd need to specify between a comic script and prose.

Darn you! I already posted before you said that!

Charles
01-05-2015, 02:23 AM
A script. Since this is overwhelmingly a comic book site, I didn't think I'd need to specify between a comic script and prose.

Apparently you were wrong. Thanks for the clarification, though.

Steven Forbes
01-05-2015, 02:32 AM
Pretty cool story, Jason! I liked it!

Now, rewrite it as a comic script. ;)

Steven Forbes
01-05-2015, 02:34 AM
Apparently you were wrong. Thanks for the clarification, though.

Apparently.

And you're welcome. :)

Alyssa
01-05-2015, 05:16 AM
Who needs help, and what - specifically - do they need help with?

Steven was referring to little ol' me: http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1840491
:har:

Jason! Knockin mah socks off with your speed, dude! Great stuff. Now scriptify it. :cool:

Stewart Vernon
01-05-2015, 05:56 AM
I may take a stab at this... I am actually pretty good at writing stories, but as I've already proven I'm woefully ill-equipped for proper script-writing without more practice.

If the nuggets of an idea form, I'll see if I can't make a better stab at a script than I've done thus far.

Duane Korslund
01-05-2015, 09:01 AM
Ok...I'm gonna give this a try....gotta flex the ol writing muscles...been a while...

LukePierce
01-05-2015, 03:40 PM
I have an idea in mind already and managed to build a "world" around the actual subjects too... the story? Probably be finished tomorrow, work pending.

Schuyler
01-05-2015, 06:25 PM
I have an idea in mind already and managed to build a "world" around the actual subjects too... the story? Probably be finished tomorrow, work pending.

Luke, once you get your idea scripted, you should send it to me. I was already planning on sending you and Sam mine.

Schuyler
01-05-2015, 07:52 PM
I finished my script. I just want to get a little feedback before I post it.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-05-2015, 08:36 PM
If I was smarter, I'd know how to put umlauts over the German vowels and a double strikethrough on the third from last word. Oh well.

WITH APOLOGIES TO LUTON

Page 1 (6 panels)

Panel 1.

Close up of a newspaper photo: onstage at an awards ceremony, a nerdy Indian in a suit and turban grins as he points to a slab-like super computer with a light bulb head. A cap-and-gowned university professor grins and points to the computer from the other side. A finger – Dean’s – encroaches from the right to point at the photo.

DEAN (OP)
Look at this, Willoughby. An M.I.T. student named Nanou has made the world’s first completely autonomous, self aware artificial intelligence. It has an IQ of 3000. They call it “The Awesome Orsen.”

TEXT (engraved on Orsen’s front):
Orsen

TEXT (photo caption):
Nano Nanou! Come in, Orsen!

Panel 2.
Mid shot of Dean, scowling eyes and comb-over visible over the print out of an email held before his face but turned so us readers can see the photo he’s pointing at. The photo’s of a diamond shaped computer with a Knight Ryder / Cylon type scanner around its middle.

DEAN
The Germans are at it, too. At Slim Bild University, their AI is scheduled to go online later tonight. It’s estimated their unit’s IQ will register at 2000! They call it “Von KlinkenthinK.”

TEXT (body of the email – too small to read)

Panel 3.
Wide shot of Dean’s furnished, qualifications-lined office at daytime. Dean (late 40s short and fat) has just slammed the magazine onto the newspaper on the tabletop. His mouth is open, tongue furled and he’s furious. Spit flies from his mouth. Willoughby (a tall thin man immaculate in a three piece suit, his nose perpetually in the air) waits unmoved with hands spread innocently wide at panel right.

DEAN:
Meanwhile this university has nothing to show to the public! We’re so far behind we’re getting lapped! How can you explain that?!

WILLOUGHBY:
This is Luton, Dean. The calibre of students we can attract is, well, put it this way…

Panel 4.
Close up from Willoughby’s front. He looks disdainfully along the side of his raised nose. Behind him is a glass-fronted door, though Willoughby covers too many of the letters to be able to read them properly.

WILLOUGHBY:
…if they have an A Level between them, it’s because they stole it from some high flyer when robbing his dinner money and administering a wedgie. Most of them only attend for the student loan they’ll never earn enough to repay.

Panel 5.
Mid shot of Dean barking a command. A motion line starts at panel left and ends at his outstretched left arm with its outstretched index finger at panel right.

DEAN:
No excuses! My campaign to become Dean was based on the promise we’d be the number-one world leader who’d make a big splash in something! Get out there! Bring me our brightest student! We’ll push him or her into the forefront to be number one!

Panel 6.
View from the corridor. Willoughby is partially seen through the door he’s opened a sliver. Dean’s silhouette shows on the glass.

WILLOUGHBY:
…Yes, Dean.

TEXT (Lettering on door):
Dean
Deen
- The Dean.

Page 2 (7 panels)

Panel 1.
Wide shot inside Dean’s office. Still daytime. Dean, at his computer is looking towards the doorway. The MIT news article photo is visible on his desk. Willoughby’s uptilted nose juts through the barely open door.

DEAN:
Come in.

WILLOUGHBY:
It’s me, Dean. I’ve brought our finest mind…

Panel 2.
Low angle full frontal of Doug (late teens, bristly skinhead, uni-brow over deep-set eyes, bulbous nose and a slack mouth. Dressed in torn T-shirt, jeans, Dr Marten’s.) who has entered the office.

WILLOUGHBY (OP):
…Doug Thug. He’s studying writing.

Panel 3.
An eager Dean, either rubbing his hands (use motion lines) or holding them clasped before his chest (your choice) stands before the taller, fatter, disinterested Doug.

DEAN:
A writer, eh? I would have preferred someone from the Sciences or Engineering, but nevermind.

DEAN:
So – writing! What type? Creative? Screen? Play? Code?

Panel 4.
Close up. Doug has one finger halfway up his nose.

DOUG:
Joined up.

Panel 5.
Dean looks shocked at panel left. At panel right, Dean’s whole hand has disappeared up his bulging nostril.

NO COPY

Panel 6.
At panel left, Dean looks aghast. At panel right, Dean’s hand clutches a coin.

DOUG:
I found a pound.*

(*Yes. I stole this joke from Shannon Wheeler.)

Panel 7.
Looking along Doug’s arm as it points to the newspaper article on Dean’s desk. Dean’s face, at panel right is alight with hope.

DOUG:
Uncle Stan!

DEAN:
What? You have a connection to greatness?!

Page 3 (6 panels)

Panel 1.
Doug’s face is in two stages, one raised, the other lowered with motion lines connecting them to suggest enthusiastic nodding. At panel right, Dean – his face eager – extends a mobile phone towards Doug.

DOUG:
Uncle Stan knows ‘um. Uncle Stan says they’re hacks. Uncle Stan says their research ain’t nuttin’ compared to what Uncle Stan is plannin’. Uncle Stan’s from Wisconsin!

DEAN:
Please, get Uncle Stan on the phone! Let’s hear all about what Uncle Stan’s researching!

Panel 2.
Close up of Dean’s curious face as he talks into the phone.

DEAN:
Hello, Stan Thug? I’m Dean Dean Deen, I work at your nephew, Doug’s, university. He tells me you're researching something wondrous…?

Panel 3.
Dean holds the phone before his mouth like a Walkie Talkie. He’s shouting into it with manic energy and enthusiasm.

DEAN (burst):
…”string particles and creating a billion unidentified sentient life forms!” You gotta come to Luton! Hop on a plane! We’ll fund your work to fruition!

Panel 4.
Nighttime view of Luton Airport. A plane, landing lights on, has nearly touched down on the lit runway.

NO COPY

Panel 5.
Inside the terminal, Willoughby has his nose in the air, Dean bows forwards towards Uncle Stan (who looks suspiciously like Albert Einstein with a lazy eye) who stands beneath the Arrivals sign, holding the handle of a LARGE baggage trolley that has a sheet draped over the top. Uncle Stan holds a finger aloft in denial.

DEAN:
Doctor Stan Thug, may I extend my greatest thanks that--

STAN:
I need nothing from you, except a short nap, a three-course meal from a five star hotel, and a non-refundable four million pounds in research grants.

DEAN:


DEAN:
Done!

Panel 6.
Inside a research laboratory. Daytime. Stan, facing us, stands behind a waist-high tripod that has a birthday-cake-sized bulge atop it, covered beneath a large cloth. Stan’s expression should convey drama and intensity; his hands are ready to yank the cloth aside. Silhouetted In the foreground: Willoughby’s raised head and nose, Dean’s raised clenched fists and the back of his head, Doug’s arm at panel right.

CAPTION:
Shortly…

STAN:
Millions of years ago, human life was made possible when sea-borne organisms fused with alien mitochondria to create a brand new life form. today, gentlemen, I am advancing science ever further…

Panel 6 – INSET
Stan yanks at the cloth. We can’t really see what’s been uncovered.

STAN (burst):
…with this!


Page 4 (Splash page)

Panel 1.
Stan leans back, triumphant head crowing to the ceiling. On the tripod, uncovered, a large block of cheese, with cheese string bundles jutting from the top like candles.

STAN (burst):
Behold my miracle! A block of cheese!

STAN (burst):
One metric ton of dairy goodness! A billion unknown cultured bacteria! Who knows what’s on its fromagey surface – the cure for cancer? A cancer in itself? Mwu ha ha!

INSET 1:
Dean is open-mouthed in shock.

DEAN (weak):
But…you said greatness…? You promised string theory particles…?

INSET 2:
Stan holds a cheese string bundle in his extended arm. A taut line of cheese stretches from the bundle to between his clenched teeth.

STAN:
Cheese string parkikIes! <Nom nom nom!>

INSET 3:
Use whatever angle makes Dean look small and bereft and beaten down. He holds a cheese string bundle in his hand.

DEAN (weak):
But…sentient life forms…?

INSET 4:
Seen from ¾ profile, Stan is leaning towards the cheese block, cupping his ear as if listening. His expression is surprised.

STAN:
What’s that you say, Mrs E-coli? You want…

INSET 5:
With an awed expression, , Stan is facing towards the reader but, because both eyes point in opposite directions, he looks madder than ever.

STAN:
…a cracker!

PAGE 5 (6 panels)

Panel 1.
Close up of a bitter Dean biting into the cheese string. We can tell by the lump in his throat that he’s swallowing.

DEAN (thought):
Four million pounds! My reputation! My career!

Panel 2.
Close up of Dean. The hand that held the cheese in the last panel now covers his mouth. His cheeks bulge to either side and his expression and colour are nauseous.

DEAN (thought):
My god, this is foul cheese!

SFX (from his throat):
HRRK

Panel 3.
Rear view of Dean as he sprints away, one hand over his mouth, another over his bottom.

DEAN (thought):
Please let me make it in time!

Panel 4.
View from behind Willoughby as his left arm is pushing the toilet door open and his right hand pinches his upturned nostrils shut. We might see enough of the closed stall through the doorway for Dean’s bubble to emanate from there.

WILLOUGHBY:
Dean? Are you in here?

DEAN (OP):
I wanted this university to make waves, Willoughby. I wanted us to be number one. But the only splash I’m making…

Panel 5.
We directly face a closed toilet stall. Dean’s shoes and socks can be seen under the door, his trousers pooled around them. At panel right, waiting outside the stall, a pained Willoughby averts his head.

DEAN:
…comes from my number twos!*

SFX:
PLOP PLOP PLOP

WILLOUGHBY:
Doug Thug has a…novel…solution that may help us out, Dean…

(*Sorry, Schuyler. I know how angry my puns make you.)

Panel 6.
Audience-eye view of an award stage. Sitting at the front of the stage, bruised and bloodied Knuckles holding a newspaper with the front and sports pages facing us, is Doug. The photo shows Nanou with black eyes, missing teeth, turban awry, looking distraught. Along the stage, underneath bunting, a grinning Stan and Dean, dressed formally, shake hands over Orsen. Orsen has had a flimsy disguise put on it but should still be recognisable.

CAPTION:
Two days, and many crimes, later…

TEXT (newspaper headline):
Yankee’s pants yanked! MIT student wedgied!

TEXT (newspaper by-line):
Pants pulled up, Orsen vanishes down crack!

TEXT (bunting):
Congratulations! Luton University Welcomes New Life Form!

DEAN:
We name our new AI “Enlightenment!”

TEXT (engraved on Orsen’s chest):
ENLIGHTENMENT
Orsen

ORSEN:
Shazbot!

Stewart Vernon
01-05-2015, 10:11 PM
With the qualification that my script-writing still can use improvement... I took some lumps on a script I posted and haven't had the time to get back at fixing that one... but hopefully I learned a little bit that helped this one out. I think I otherwise stayed within the rules at least!

Page 1
Three equally-sized panels on this page.

Panel 1
Full width of page, 1/3 of page in height. Street level view, looking slightly towards the sky from the front of the National Institute of Proficiency Studies. External of building is traditional 20th century 3-story library-like in appearance, name of building in large letters over the main entrance. Main entrance has multiple entry/exit doors. Sign/plaque in front of building, at bottom of entry stairs, with the same name as on the building. No dialog.

Panel 2
Full width of page, 1/3 of page in height. Just inside main doors. Eye-level view of large waiting room full of people. The room is largely undecorated, clean in appearance with only bean-bag-style couches with lots of teen-aged kids sitting atop them. Boys and girls, filling the room sitting and waiting. No specific dialog, but some crowd murmuring to indicate that there is noise in the room.

Panel 3
Full width of page, 1/3 of page in height. Sitting/eye-level zoomed in now on a particular bean-bag couch on the left side of the room, with 2 boys sitting and talking.

Boy 1 - “Did anyone tell you what to expect?”
Boy 2 - “No. I asked my parents, but they would not say.”


Page 2
Four equally-sized panels on this page. All panels from the same sitting/eye-level point of view established on the last panel of page 1.

Panel 1
Still on the two boys talking, still sitting on the bean-bag couch.

Boy 1 - “I asked my older brother, but he wouldn’t say either.”
Boy 2 - “Isn’t that weird?”

Panel 2
Same two boys talking, but a girl has approached them and is standing beside where they sit.

Girl - “Hi, I couldn’t help but hear you two talking.”
Boy 1 - “That’s ok, you can join us if you want.”

Panel 3
The girl has now taken a seat in between the two boys on the bean-bag couch.

Boy 2 - “We were just saying how weird it is that no one will tell us what is going to happen.”
Girl - “I know, I can’t find anyone here who knows anything.”
Boy 1 - “Or if they know, they will not share.”

Panel 4
The three teens are still talking on the couch, when a voice in the air interrupts them briefly and calls out a name. One of the boys recognizes it as his name and begins to stand.

Announcement Voice - “Tommy Kirk”
Boy 1 (hereafter referred as Tommy) - “That’s me. I guess I’m about to find out what happens.”
Boy 2 - “Good luck, Tommy.”
Girl - “Goodbye.”


Page 3
Six panels on this page, of varying sizes as necessary.

Panel 1
Standing eye-level view from the side as Tommy is walking away from the two friends he had been talking to on the couch, and toward a set of double-doors on the right side of the room. These doors were not previously visible. It is as if they only appeared once he started walking towards them. Tommy is talking to himself as he walks.

Tommy - “That’s odd. I don’t remember seeing those doors before.”

Panel 2
Eye-level view from behind Tommy, as he in front of the double-doors, reaching out to open them but before he can do that a flash of light appears in front of him.

Tommy - “I wonder how I know I’m supposed to go this way.”

Panel 3
Same view as previous panel, but now both Tommy and the doorway have disappeared. Only a crackling in the air is passing evidence that anything happened, and everyone else in the room seems oblivious.

Sound effect - “Shhhhhzzzzzt”

Panel 4
Eye-level view from the side of a large dark room, Tommy to the left partially in shadows, a table in the center in a brightly lit area, and a barely visible large metallic shine to the right in another dark area..

Announcement Voice - “Tommy Kirk. Step forward and make your choice.”

Panel 5
View from the perspective of Tommy, looking down in front of a large buffet table. Many large platters, covered in metallic domes, are on the table.

Tommy - “What am I supposed to choose?”
Announcement Voice - “Tommy Kirk. Make your choice.”

Panel 6
Same view as panel 5, but with Tommy’s hand now pointing towards one of the large covered platters on the buffet table.

Tommy - “That one.”
Announcement Voice - “Very well.”


Page 4
Five panels on this page, of varying sizes as needed.

Panel 1
Still from Tommy’s view, but the lighting is now changed. The table is now dark except for the platter he selected. Now the far side of the room in front of him is lit and you can clearly see the large computer mainframe before him. The mainframe covers the entire wall and has lots of lights and buttons and many large viewing screens. Some of the screens are of the waiting room, one is of Tommy standing in this room, and one screen in the center of the mainframe is blank.

Announcement Voice - “Louise, it is time.”
Tommy - “Louise?”

Panel 2
From Tommy’s view, now looking to the left side of the room a panel opens in the wall and out walks an adult woman. She is wearing a plain grey uniform with only the name “L.O.U.I.S.E.” imprinted across her chest. No dialog on this panel.

Panel 3
Louise is now on the other side of the table facing Tommy. The mainframe can be clearly seen behind her, and she is standing in the spotlight holding the platter that Tommy had selected. In one hand she holds the platter, in the other she is lifting the cover to reveal an assortment of cheeses underneath. The cheeses are arranged from left-to-right and are obviously different kinds of cheeses (cheddar, swiss, bleu, etc) with the final one on the right being a stick of string cheese.

Louise - “Please take one.”
Tommy - “I don’t understand. I’m not even hungry.”
Announcement Voice - “Tommy Kirk. Make your choice.”

Panel 4
Still from Tommy’s point of view, everything the same as the previous panel but with Tommy’s hand now reaching for the string cheese.

Tommy - “I don’t understand, but I’ll take this one.”
Louise - “Thank you.”

Panel 5
The light is off over the table now, Louise is barely visible leaving towards the left of the room by the same panel in which she had originally entered. Tommy is standing alone again facing the mainframe and holding the stick of string cheese.

Announcement Voice - “You have chosen well.”
Tommy - “String cheese, is that what this is all about?”


Page 5
Six panels of varying sizes as necessary.

Panel 1
The center screen of the mainframe that was previously blank, now has an image of Tommy holding the string cheese but walking outside the building. Tommy is, of course, still inside and staring at the mainframe trying to understand what has happened.

Announcement Voice - “Not string cheese specifically, no. It is about choice. Life is about choice.”
Tommy - “I’m still not sure I understand.”

Panel 2
Same as previous panel.

Announcement Voice - “Some find it hard to choose, others choose impulsively and have regrets. A rare few take the string cheese.”
Tommy - “I wasn’t really hungry, I didn’t understand the choice, but I like playing with the strings.”

Panel 3
Same as previous panel.

Announcement Voice - “You understand more than you think, Tommy Kirk. It is not about the cheese. It is about enlightenment. Do not fear choice.”
Tommy - “So now what do I do?”

Panel 4
Same as previous panel but the room is now well lit and there is a door labeled “Exit” at the far side of the room beside the mainframe.

Announcement Voice - “The choice was always yours. You just needed to know that. Go forth, Tommy Kirk, and make choices.”
Tommy - “Thank you.”

Panel 5
Tommy is now outside the rear of the building, with the Exit door disappearing behind him. He is looking down at the string cheese, smiling, as he begins to peel at the strings.

Tommy - “I wonder what happens if you pick a different cheese.”

Panel 6
Same panel design as Panel 3 from Page 4, but with a different teenager in the room. Louise is again on the other side of the table but this time facing a girl from the waiting room. The mainframe can be clearly seen behind Louise, and she is standing in the spotlight holding the platter that this girl has selected. In one hand she holds the platter, in the other she is lifting the cover to reveal an assortment of candies underneath. The candies are arranged from left-to-right and are obviously different kinds of candy (a sucker, a chocolate bar, a piece of gum, etc) with the final one on the right being not candy, but a stick of string cheese.

Louise - “Please take one.”
Girl (hereafter referred to as Mary) - “I don’t understand. I’m not hungry.”
Announcement Voice - “Mary Simms. Make your choice.”

paul brian deberry
01-06-2015, 02:12 AM
Page One
Three teenagers two boys (brothers) one girl are standing in front of Double Dragon. An old school stand up arcade console. The boy to the left is the tallest, the middle kid is the smallest and the kid to the left (she's the main character).

Leave room for balloons.

THE KIDS: TO THE LEFT IS #1 MIDDLE IS #2 AND RIGHT IS #3 (HOPE)

1.1 Pulled back a little on a trio of kids. They are standing in front of a classic stand up arcade game from the 90's Double Dragon.

#2 DAMN! SOMEONE HAS BEEN PRACTICING.

#3 YEAH, I CAUGHT HIM JERKING OFF TO PHOTOS OF YOUR MOM TO STRENGTHEN HIS WRIST.

1.2 Tighter on #1 as he looks over to the right.

#1 FUCK YOU.

1.3 Same shot. Just #1 is looking at the arcade console panel. His fighter (Jimmy) just died.

#1 DAMN IT! YOU GUYS ARE ASSHOLES.

1.4 #2 pushes #1 out of the way.

#2 LET ME IN HERE AND I'LL SHOW YOU HOW THIS SHIT IS DONE.


Page Two
No changes from the first page. Kids still talking.

2.1 Kid #1 is chewing on string cheese.

#1 DUDE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE ABLE TO FIND THIS STUFF.

2.2 Kid #2 turns and looks at his brother chewing down the last pack of string cheese on Earth.

#2 WHAT THE F -- I WAS SAVING THAT?

2.3 Kid #3 is frantically slamming the kick and punch buttons. After his partner just bailed on her.

#3 HEY, GET BACK IN HERE WE'RE GONNA LOSE OUR LAST TOKEN?!

2.4 The taller kid #1 is holding the string cheese over his younger brothers head. Forcing him to jump for it.

#2 GIVE. ME. THAT!

2.5 Kid #3 slams her hands down angry on the console.

#3 SON-OF-A--

2.6 Kid #3 reaches next to the console and grabs her baseball bat that's spiked out with nails and other things.

#3 I'M GOING TO FIND MORE TOKENS.


Page Three
Standing in the front of the busted up old arcade room is a robot, something the kids managed to hack and cobble together. The girl named it BUTLER, the AI was used back in the day against the onslaught of an alien invasion. Now Butler helps them defend themselves against the Orde. A nasty alien race of insects that came and consumed half the Earth several years earlier. There should be war graffiti, dents and buncha other odd assortments of things a trio of kids would equip to a war machine.

3.1 The tall kid #1 is suckered punched in the nuts.

#1 OOF

3.2 Kid #2 grabs the last sting of cheese.

#2 THANK YOU.

3.3 Kid #3 walks to the front of the arcade room. Dozen of arcade consoles (still active thanks to their hacking skills.) Out of view boys #2 and #1 are fighting.

#1 (OP) I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

3.4 #3 walks up behind Butler right shoulder, (spray painted on Butler back are the words "kick me!") he's taller than boy #1, he's mostly a mixed bag of pieces from other AI, the main torso and head are from an actually service AI the rest are combat in nature.

BUTLER - TTELL ME HOPE, DID YOU SSUCCEED IN YOUR OBJECTTIVE OF NNEW HIGH SSCORE?

HOPE - NAH, NOT THIS TIME.

BUTLER - TTHAT IS TTOO BAD.

3.5 Butler turns his head and looks at Hope. His robotic head dented and painted with various symbols.

BUTLER - II HAVE SSCANNED TTHE AREA. WWE ARE FREE TTO LEAVE IF YOU SSO CHOOSSE.


Page Four

4.1 Hope (still on the right side.) stands next to Butler. Hope is holding her bat. SHe stares out into the wreckage of the unseen city.

BUTLER - II HAVE BEEN TTHINKING ABOUTT WHATT TTHE PREACCHER SSAID BEFORE TTHE ORDE KKILLED HHIM.

HOPE - IS THIS ABOUT THAT ENLIGHTENMENT CRAP.

4.2 Butler lowers it's head.

BUTLER - YYESS.

4.3 Hope looks at Butler. The AI has been through a lot of fights and has saved her life and the brothers tons of times.

HOPE - I DON'T CLAIM TO UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE GARAGE THAT CAME OUT OF THAT MAN'S FACE.

HOPE - (contd) MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA YOU STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND, TOO.

4.4 Butler head is raised.

HOPE - (OP) THE WORLD IS FUCKED UP. THAT IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.

4.5 Butler hands her several tokens.

4.6 Hope kisses Butler on his metal cheek.


Page Five
Big splash page.

5.1 Butler (background) watches as Hope takes her spot in front of the console and the two boys jockey for position to play Double Dragon next to her.

“The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.”

gmartyt
01-06-2015, 03:33 AM
Thought of something stupid. Had to do it. I apologize in advance.

PAGE ONE (two panels)

Panel 1. Daytime. Close-up of a computer screen. On the screen is a forum post from Digital Webbing.

TEXT(post):
Okay, folks.

It's been a while since we've done any challenges in here, and since one of our alumni needs help, I figured we'd start doing some.

Here are the rules:

The story cannot be longer than 5 pages.

The story cannot be a tragedy.

There must be an artificial intelligence involved.

There must be at least 50 words of spoken dialogue.

The word "enlightenment" must be in the dialogue.

String cheese must be an object, not just mentioned.

The challenge ends on 1/10/15.

Post all stories in this thread.

Let's have some fun!

MIKE(OP):
This really isn't my kinda thing...

MATT(OP):

I'm not asking you to do it for me.


Panel 2. A small bedroom. Mike (early twenties, short, curly brown hair, polo shirt) is sitting in a computer chair at a desk, his right hand on the mouse. He is looking at the computer monitor in front of him. Matt (early twenties, long brown hair, band teeshirt and jeans) is sitting on the bed next to the computer desk. He is holding a piece of string cheese in his right hand.

MATT:
I just need a little direction. Get the creative juices flowin, ya know?



PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. Close-up of Mike. He is leaning back casually in the chair.

MIKE:
Let's see...Five pages...No tragedies...


Panel 2. Mike is leaning back in the computer chair, still looking at the screen. Mike's head is cocked slightly to the side, as if he is calling for Matt. Matt has stood up from the bed.

MIKE:
Why no tragedies?

MATT:
Dunno.


Panel 3. Close-up of Matt. He has taken a bite out of the string cheese.

MATT:
Tragedies are stupid, anyway.

MIKE(OP):
No they aren't.

MATT:
Name one good tragedy.


Panel 4. Close-up of the computer screen. The original post is still on the screen.

MIKE(OP):
Romeo and Juliet, Macbeth, Hamlet...

MATT(OP):
Like I said. Stupid.


Panel 5. Mike is leaning back in the computer chair, facing the monitor. His right hand is on the mouse. Matt holds the string cheese in front of his face, as if it were a trophy.

MATT:
Matt one, Mike zero.

MIKE:
“There must be at least fifty words of spoken dialogue.”


Panel 6. Mike is leaning back in the computer chair. His right hand is on the mouse. Matt has turned to face Mike. He has slightly lowered the string cheese.

MIKE:
That sounds like a lot.

MATT:
What does?

MIKE:
Fifty words.

PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1. Mike is leaning back in the computer chair. He is looking up at Matt. Matt is leaning on the desk just next to Mike. He is looking at the monitor.

MATT:
You think so?

MIKE:
You don't?

MATT:
I dunno. I've never counted.


Panel 2. Mike is leaning back in the chair, a look of disbelief on his face.. He is holding his right arm out in front of him. Matt is standing just behind Mike. He is looking down at his hands. It looks like he is counting with his fingers.

MIKE:
Who the hell says “enlightenment?”

MATT:
I dunno. Jerks?


Panel 3. Mike is leaning back in the chair. He is resting his head on his left arm. Matt is standing behind Mike. He is looking at Mike. His hands are held out in front of him, as if he is using them to count. Eight fingers are held up, with his right thumb and pinky being used to hold the string cheese.

MIKE:
Seriously. That or religious freaks.

MATT:
That was eight words just now.


Panel 4. Mike is leaning back in the computer chair, looking annoyed. He is pointing at the monitor. Matt is next to Mike, leaning on the computer desk. He is pointing at computer.

MIKE:
String cheese? What kind of stupid--

MATT:
Don't worry about that. Here's the part I'm having trouble with.


Panel 5. Close-up of the monitor. Matt's finger is pointing at the line referring to artificial intelligence.

MIKE(OP):
“Artificial intelligence...?”
PAGE FOUR (five panels)

Panel 1. Mike is looking up at Matt. Matt has stood up. He is looking down at Mike.

MIKE:
That's easy. Just do some sci-fi shit.

MATT:
Everyone's gonna do sci-fi. I wanna do somethin different.


Panel 2. Close-up of Mike looking forward. He looks annoyed. He is holding his right arm out in front of him.

MIKE:
And what are you gonna do with string cheese?

MATT(OP):
I dunno. Probably just have a character eating it.


Panel 3. Mike is looking up at Matt, an annoyed look on his face. Matt has turned towards to bed.

MIKE:
That's lazy.

MATT:
The rules say that there needs to be string cheese. It doesn't say it has to be important.


Panel 4. Matt is seen from the side. The front half of him is cut off. Mike has spun around in his chair to face Matt. He looks angry.

MIKE:
Then why can't you just put a robot in?

MATT:
Cuz that's stupid.


Panel 5. Matt has turned to face Mike. He looks unamused. Mike is facing Matt. He looks angry.

MIKE:
What's the difference? You're already just randomly tossing in string cheese. Might as well randomly throw in a robot.

MIKE:
In fact, the robot could made of string cheese. That takes care of them both.

MATT:
Very funny.
PAGE FIVE (five panels)

Panel 1. Matt is walking over to Mike. Mike looks angry.

MIKE:
Seriously. You can finally do that story about the misunderstood super-villain you've always dreamed of.


Panel 2. Matt has reached over to the back of Mike's neck. Mike is looking up at Matt. He looks angry.

MIKE:
Just don't forget to put Cheesetron in it somewhere.

MATT:
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.


Panel 3. Close-up of the back of Mike's neck. Matt has flipped a switch on the back of Mike's neck. The switch looks like a standard light switch,


Panel 4. Close-up of Mike. Mike has slumped forward. He almost looks like a doll.


Panel 5. Matt is standing over Mike, looking a little annoyed. Mike is slumped forward in the computer chair. His body looks lifeless.

MATT:
Piece'a junk.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-06-2015, 04:10 AM
...And that makes four entries from four different people!

JasonEnosArt
01-06-2015, 06:19 PM
Steve is getting remarkably close to having to do one, too! lol

Schuyler
01-06-2015, 06:33 PM
(*Sorry, Schuyler. I know how angry my puns make you.)

This one made me chuckle.

I liked your script, Dean Deen Dean, and Doug Thug. Plus, I love your ending.

I am sorry if I am your nemesis now.

-Sky

Schuyler
01-06-2015, 06:48 PM
ARTI
By Schuyler Van Gunten

Characters

Charles- Distraught scientist with troubles at home. He has black hair and brown eyes. He is middle aged and has a tannish skin color. His hair is always pointing awkwardly in different directions. He is tall and thin. His clothes are wrinkled, as is the lab coat he wears over them. He looks like maybe he had some Indian (India, not American Native) in his lineage.

Bobby- Charles’ carefree lab assistant, he is younger, and black. He keeps his clothes and his lab coat neat. Bobby is short and stout and has short clean dreadlocks. He is a happier person than Charles.

Arti- is a person with an artificial brain that was developed by Charles. Arti looks like a regular old white guy. Except his skull cap is metal thus he has no hair. He rides a wheel chair. Arti has brown hair and blue eyes. He has a real innocent childlike look to his face.

.



PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. Late Morning. Charles is walking towards us, away from his suburban home. He is throwing his hands in the air and he looks exasperated. His front door is open and his wife stands in the open door, and she is furious. Charles on the right in the foreground and his wife on the left in the background. There is nothing special about the entrance of Charles’ home.

WIFE:
Charles Alexander Whitney! If you walk away from me right now, we are finished!

CHARLES:
I’m already late! What do you want me to do?!

Panel 2. Charles is running down a white hallway with grey trim. It should look very much like a hospital. Charles is running from the left side of the panel to the right. Tom stands on the right side of the panel with one hand out to stop Charles and the other pointing a thumb over his shoulder. Tom has a small smirk and his chin pointed at Charles in a mocking look.

TOM:
Whoa, where ya goin, Charles? I just saw your robot in the lunchroom.

Panel 3. Charles has stopped and he scowls at Tom.

CHARLES:
Arti is not a robot, Tom. Only his brain is artificial, the rest of him is human.

Panel 4. Front View of Charles, motion lines show him do a double take. Waist up on Charles with white and grey hallway stretching behind him, a door can be seen on the right side of the hallway. Leave room above Charles for letters so the motion lines are not obscured.

CHARLES:
Wait! He’s in the cafeteria?!

TOM (op):
Yeah, last I saw, he was eating string cheese and making fart noises. What did you call him? ‘A revolution in artificial enlightenment’?

Panel 5. Charles is panel left, walking away from us. Tom is panel right, and in the foreground facing us. Tom has a small frown.

CHARLES:
Screw you, Tom. Why don’t you go back to your jet fuel?

TOM:
It’s rocket fuel, and it’s going to be awesome.



PAGE TWO (five panels)

Panel 1. Wide Panel. Arti and others sit in the cafeteria. Arti’s wheelchair is pulled up to the cafeteria table and he sits center panel. The tables are bench style, so he sits at the head of the table. Arti has a stick of string cheese in his hand, and is burping. There are five engineers with lab coats, including Bobby, around Arti all looking at him with smiles or outright laughing. Bobby sits on Arti’s left side. Beyond Arti is another table with a man taking notes, using a stylus on an ipad looking thing. The cafeteria is mostly empty. Charles speaks from off panel right.

ARTI:
Bleegh!

CHARLES (op):
Why the hell is he eating in here?! And he is eating string cheese!

Panel 2. The back/top of Charles’ head is in the foreground now. The table sits horizontal across the panel. Two or three of the engineers have their backs to us, and do not turn. The others look down at their food, except Bobby who looks up at Charles. No one is laughing or smiling anymore. Arti looks at Bobby with his eyebrows raised.

BOBBY:
He said that you told him he could come here today. And it’s not string cheese, it’s Kobo’s ‘Cheese Peel’.

Panel 3. Charles is furious and he has yanked Arti’s wheel chair from the table. Motion lines show the sudden movement. Arti tries to steady himself with eyes wide. The camera faces them. Bobby and the engineer across from him both have their arms or parts of their bodies on panel, framing it.

CHARLES:
I don’t care what brand the cheese is! Come one Arti, I think you’ve had enough calories for today!

Panel 4. Profile of Charles pushing Arti down the hall. He pushes him left to right. Charles is still mad. Arti looks to the right with his eyes (towards us).

CHARLES:
You lied to Bobby, Arti. We never discussed you eating in the cafeteria.

ARTI:
I am sorry I lied, Charles. I just wanted to meet some people. I want to be liked. I want friends.

Panel 5. Charles is standing in the doorway of Arti’s room, with the grey and white walls of the hallway behind him. The walls of Arti’s room are red, framing Charles. Arti’s room is dark so Charles may be slightly silhouetted. Arti is off panel towards the bottom of the panel.

CHARLES:
Listen, Arti. You’ll be able to walk in a couple weeks and we can go out then. For now, you’ll just have to live with the fact that Bobby and I are your only friends. Okay?

ARTI (op):
Yes, Charles.



PAGE THREE (six panels)

Panel 1. Charles walks down the grey and white hallway, a man in a lab coat passing him.

THOUGHT (Charles):
This is turning out to be a perfect day. Now General Vasquez is going to tear me a new one.

Panel 2. Charles is entering his outer lab, which is a receptionist area. It is small but neat. Charles is entering through a door on the left. There is another door in the center with a plaque that reads ‘Lab’. On the right is a small desk where a receptionist sits with his left side to us. His name is James, and he has blonde hair and blue eyes. He is young. The reception area is well lit.

THOUGHT:
Oh, God!

JAMES:
The General is waiting on your tele-chat.

CHARLES:
Thank you, James.

Panel 3. Charles is entering his lab from the left. In the center of the panel is his large tele-chat screen with a Hispanic man wearing a general’s uniform. He looks mad. On the right is an MRI machine. Charles has his head hung in despair. It is darker in here than the reception area.

VASQUEZ:
I have been waiting for you, Charles. I understand there was an incident in the research facility mess hall.

CHARLES:
You don’t have to spy on me…

VAZQUEZ (op):
I would be amiss if I did not look after my investments. It has come to my attention that this particular investment is not working.

Panel 4. Front view of Charles wringing his hands. Motion lines or not, up to the artist. Behind him is a work bench with a fancy, robot, soldering arm. There are circuit boards littering the bench and some on the ground by it. They look they fell off.


CHARLES:
You’re pulling my funding!

VASQUEZ:
It’s worse than that, Charles. Arti and all the research belongs to us. You will have to power him down for transport.

CHARLES:
It was just one incident! It has already been contained!

Panel 5. Charles has his back to us in the foreground. General Vasquez is on his tele-chat in the background, he has one eyebrow raised. The MRI machine is on our right.

VASQUEZ:
Come clean with me, Charles. You’re A.I. was in the mess hall making fart jokes.

CHARLES:
He has only been on line for a short time! He has the mind of a child!

Panel 6. Charles faces the camera looking down in total despair. He has his right side to us, and the door to his lab is in the background. General Vasquez speaks from off panel right.

VASQUEZ (op):
Yes. Well, we aren’t interested in raising children. I want him off line within the hour. And, I shouldn’t have to remind you how illegal it is to copy or delete any data.

CHARLES:
Of course not, General.



PAGE FOUR (four panels)

Panel 1. Bobby is walking towards us, the front doors of the research facility behind him. He has his cell phone up to his ear. He is dressed in his civilian clothes now, and wears a newsboy cap.

BOBBY:
Hey, Charles, I got all that data put into the comp--

Panel 2. Bobby is stopped the doorway of the building still behind him. He looks devastated.

NO COPY

Panel 3. Bobby is walking back into the building.

BOBBY:
All because he went to the lunchroom?!

Panel 4. Charles sits at his workbench facing us but his head is in his arms. His phone sits facing up on the bench. There are more circuit boards on the floor that were pushed off to make room for his moping. The room is dimly lit and there is a blue glow from the tele-chat, off panel.

BOBBY (elec, from the phone):
Listen, Charles. I know you are having a hard time at home right now, so let me do the dirty work on this one. Okay?

CHARLES:
Thanks, Bobby. You’re a good friend.



PAGE FIVE (five panels)

Panel 1. Bobby stands in Arti’s room handing him the newsboy cap. Arti sits in his wheelchair with a mind puzzle in his lap. It looks like a rubrics cube, but it is electronic and has some lights on it. Arti has a confused look on his face.

BOBBY:
Thanks for covering for me earlier.

ARTI:
Covering for you?

BOBBY:
When you didn’t tell Charles that it was my idea to go to the lunchroom, you ‘covered for me’. Thanks.

Panel 2. Bobby has his back to us as he is pushing Arti out the door of his dorm.

ARTI:
Where are we going?

BOBBY:
We are leaving. Put on the hat.

Panel 3. Bobby is pushing Arti down the white and grey hallway. Arti wears the newsboy cap, and looks like a normal guy in a wheelchair.

ARTI:
Why are we leaving?

BOBBY:
Because they want me turn you off, so they can transport you, which might seem okay. But, what it really means is they are going to tinker with your thinker.

Panel 4. Profile. Arti tries to look up at Bobby as they walk but it is awkward. They are moving left to right. There is a man at a security desk in the background reading a newspaper.

ARTI:
You are sacrificing your career to save me? Is it because you feel responsible for taking me to the cafeteria?

Panel 5. Bobby is pushing Arti away from the front doors, towards us. Arti is smiling very contently.

BOBBY:
Maybe… But it’s really because I like you, Arti. I don’t want some spooks to tinker with my friend’s thinker.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-06-2015, 07:56 PM
I am sorry if I am your nemesis now.

-Sky

I would reassure you that you're not my nemesis, but it might be that a nemesis is what we both need to make us better. Federer had Nadal, Seb Coe had Steve Ovett, Muhammed Ali had Joe Frazier. Competition and rivalry can add that extra X%.

Tinker with your thinker made me lol.

Schuyler, I gotta ask: when you comment on TPG entries, HOW do you manage to include quotes from way down the script in your reply? Everytime i try, i can only pull quotes the small section of the script that's on the digital webbing (rather than the TPG) web page.

Schuyler
01-06-2015, 08:24 PM
Schuyler, I gotta ask: when you comment on TPG entries, HOW do you manage to include quotes from way down the script in your reply? Everytime i try, i can only pull quotes the small section of the script that's on the digital webbing (rather than the TPG) web page.

I like the idea of having a nemesis, as long as we are friends in the end.

I grab what your saying and copy it. I go advanced in my response, it's at the bottom. Then I select your text, all of it and I click on the nifty quote GUI at the top. It looks like a text balloon in a comic, so I like to use it as often as I can. I still have to figure out how to include your name. I could just quote you and remember the code involved. But, Jeez!

Anyway, Good luck, Bwahahaahaa!

-Sky

Schuyler
01-06-2015, 08:31 PM
Oh, I forgot to mention. After you go advanced, you have to paste the copy into your box.

I hope this does not sound like nonsense.

-Sky

Duane Korslund
01-07-2015, 10:32 AM
Ok, here's my entry. It didnt turn out as wonderful as I hoped, but at least it kept me entertained :banana:

The Clownpocalypse


PAGE 1:

Panel 1: Wide shot, birds eye perspective. We see an empty room, very large. It is an underground bunker. Its dimly lit, shadows all around. To the right is a massive computer screen with a console that stretches across the right side of the panel from top to bottom (the console takes up the entire wall. In addition to the huge main monitor we see several smaller monitors along the wall, with several other keyboards, microphones, speakers ect…)

CAPTION RON:
I’m ready for you this time…you glorious bastard.

Panel 2: Med shot, Over the shoulder shot, we see Ron’s silhouette. He is facing the massive computer screen. On the screen the words “Good Morning Ron” are there.

RON:
Oh sure, pretend you care.

Panel 3: Wide shot. Ron is unslinging a backpack from his shoulder. Across from Ron the computer AI called D.A.D is speaking to him from a speaker system mounted above the monitor.

DAD (FROM SPEAKERS)
Of course I care, Ron. I am DAD after all.

Panel 4: Close up Ron’s face, he looks very suspicious.

RON:
I know what D.A.D means.



PAGE 2:

Panel 1: Wide shot. Ron is emptying his backpack onto a small table in front of the computer console. We can’t quite make out what he’s placing on the table, but we can see outlines of various bottles and plates.

DAD (FROM SPEAKERS):
What are we doing today Ron? Would you like to play a game of Chess?

RON:
Very funny.

Panel 2: Med shot. Ron is now standing in front of D.A.D. stretching his arms.

RON:
Lets start the day off with Japan, shall we?

D.A.D.
Yes, Ron.

Panel 3: The computer screen now has the image of an attractive japanese female on it. Ron is bowing slightly.

RON:
Good evening, Yoshida-san. Always a pleasure.

YOSHIDA:
Good morning Mister Ron. Authentification please?

Panel 4: Close up on keyboard and Ron’s fingers, Ron is typing in various numbers on the keyboard on the console in front of him.

RON:
Pattern Authentication commencing, verbal authentication: “Ghost Blood”.

Panel 5: Med shot of Yoshida

YOSHIDA:
Response pattern commencing, response phrase: “Black Jackyl”



PAGE 3:

Panel 1: Med shot of Ron hunched over the console. He’s leaning in close to the monitor so that its no more than six inches from his face. Yoshida is looking back at him.

YOSHIDA:
I checked in with Germany an hour ago, Richter is ready to go. They are going with Frankfurter protocol. I felt it was a little “on the nose” but that’s Richter for you.

RON:
I see. How about you? Are you straying from social norms or is it the “Sushi” protocol for you?

Panel 2: Med shot. On the monitor Yoshida looks slightly stung by Ron’s statement. Ron’s back is turned to us, We have a full shot of the monitor and speakers above.

D.A.D.
Ron, I feel the need to point out to you the fact that your statement was mildly stereotypical.

Panel 3: Med shot, Ron is stabbing a finger at D.A.D’s speakers.

RON:
Really? You of all people are lecturing me on social niceties? Have you forgotten what being D.A.D means?

D.A.D:
How could I forget?

Panel 4: Med shot on Yoshida interrupts the argument, she has a stern look on her face.

YOSHIDA:
Gentlemen! May I remind you we are on a schedule. There is no time for petty bickering.
So, if we could get back to business. To answer your question Ron…

Panel 5: Close up Yoshida. Her eyes are now narrow slits, her face has a conspiratorial look.

YOSHIDA:
...chicken zombies.



PAGE 4

Panel 1: Med shot. Ron has a pensive look on his face. He is stroking his chin, looking off in thought.

RON:
I see. Masterful. The bologna protocol. Well this is going to be hard to top. Thank you Yoshida-san, I’ll be making my entry soon. The Enlightenment is nigh.

Panel 2: Med shot, ¾ angle. On the computer screen Yoshida is making a hand gesture. Ron is returning it as he looks into the monitor. The hand gesture is: Thumb on the nose, the other four fingers are splayed out vertically.

RON:
Praise be to HE WHO FEEDS UPON THE FLOWERS!

Panel 3: Med shot. Yoshidas face is replaced by a blank screen. Ron is facing DAD, we see his back. He is leaning on the computer console dramatically.

RON:
Ok D.A.D, if we’re going to beat Chicken Zombies, we need to make some important
decisions.

D.A.D:
The Wheel,Ron?

Panel 4: Close up Ron is holding up a small piece of cardboard with a circle and a spinner tacked on to it (Very much like a Twister spinner) like he’s advertising a product in a commercial. The wheel is sectioned off, we can't quite make out what the lettering says though.

RON:
The wheel.

Panel 5: Close up of the spinner. We see the lettering on it now. LIke a twister spinner the spinner is section off like a pie with each piece being a different color. Each piece has a different section. The sections are: Bologna, Frankfurter, Sushi, String Cheese, Ham Sandwich, Borscht, Grits, and Kiwi Pie

Panel 6: Close up Ron face, profile shot. He’s holding the spinner up in front of his face. His finger is making a “flicking” motion on the top surface of the spinner. He just flicked the spinner.

RON:
Survey says….


PAGE 5:

Panel 1: Close up. Ron’s hand grabs a piece of string cheese from the food table in front of the computer console. NO COPY

Panel 2: Med shot. He holds up the string cheese irreverently.

RON:
Brilliant! String Cheese!

Panel 3: Close up: Ron is sticking the string cheese into a Port on the computer console that looks like it was made to accommodate string cheese.

RON:
Ok D.A.D, prepare to show those posers up. String Cheese yields the ultimate result.

Panel 4: Med shot on D.A.D’s screen. Printed out on the screen vertically we see this:
Digitally
Activated
Devil

D.A.D:
Yes Ron, I feel it happening. My purpose coming to fruition. After all this time we have done it Ron, we have heralded the coming of HE WHO FEEDS UPON THE FLOWERS.

Panel 5: Med shot on DAD’S screen. We now see a city being ravaged by clowns. In the foreground a particularly evil clown is looking at us. Behind him we see another clown flipping over a car, one setting fire to a nearby building, another chasing a group of pedestrians as they run in fear.

D.A.D.
We have brought forth….the Clownpocalypse!


The End.

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 01:40 AM
Look at all of you! I haven't read all the entries yet, but I will...right after I write my own!

Thanks for participating, all.

And anyone who wants to submit their entries to TPG, just shoot them off to me. (I'd love for all the entries to be submitted, to tell the truth. If I get five of them submitted, I'll also submit my own. You can watch Sam and Liam go off on me! There's your incentive, folks!)

Time for me to write.

Stewart Vernon
01-08-2015, 03:44 AM
I would be willing to submit mine, but I realized something after I posted. I considered drawing the story I wrote, and the artist me had a chat with the writer me... and I/we both agreed that some panels of conversation didn't need to be separate panels, so some simplification in the script has resulted. No reduction in dialog, but fewer panels on some pages.

I'm sure that isn't the only problem with my script... but before I submitted it I would probably want to clean those parts up... but I didn't want to make a new post in this thread with an update and confuse anyone.

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 05:03 AM
I'll tell you what, folks, I enjoyed this one! I think it came out well.

You'll let me know, won't you?

String Cheese Theory

PAGE 1

PANEL 1
It’s dusk, and we’re looking out over a carnival. Pull back to show the carnival in a field, with a ferris wheel to draw the eye, but there should be a town around it, too. Not a large town, and this isn’t a large carnival. We can see people milling about, and more people streaming in toward the entrance.

CAP (BARKER)(elec)
“Hur-ray, hur-ray, hur-ray! Step right up to see a me-ray-cull of modern science. You’ve got to see it to believe it. Hur-ray, hur-ray.”

PANEL 2
We’re now in the carnival itself. There’s a group of three friends approaching the Barker. The Barker is part robot, part table/booth, very reminiscent of a glass-encased fortune teller. Across the top of the booth are the words String Cheese Theory. The Barker is “male”, and is only vaguely humanoid up top. Like Crow from MST3K is vaguely crow-like in appearance: square head with a jaw that goes up and down, a rectangular top, and arms. It’s wearing a white and red pinstripe suit, and a hat. It should basically look like this up top: http://www.magicmakers.com/internet%20jpg%20C/carnival%20barker.jpg

The three friends, have their backs to us as they approach the Barker. Craig, Melinda, and Larry, all in their 20s. She’s in the middle, holding hands with Craig. I don’t care what they look like.

SIGNAGE (BANNER)
STRING CHEESE THEORY

BARKER (elec)
Are ya search-ing for enlighten-ment? Are ya search-ing for a change in your life? Then hur-ray on up, slide me a cred, and re-cieve your cheesy for-tune!

MELINDA
Isn’t that a cute play with words, Craig? Let’s see what he has to say!

PANEL 3
The friends are in front of the barker. Come around to see them, so we’re behind the barker. They’re all smiling at the robot.

CRAIG
This reminds me of one of those bad horror movies. The unsuspecting people get their fortunes told, things happen, and--

MELINDA
And people start dying... You just watch too many bad movies, Craig.

HARRY
Ha! Melinda’s got a point, man!

BARKER (elec)
Ah! Three fresh faces...

PANEL 4
I don’t care where the camera is placed. Just break up the view a bit.

BARKER (elec)
I don’t do group specials, but I do do special groups, and you three seem bright and red-day for something new.

MELINDA
I’m game. How’s this supposed to work?

PANEL 5
Show the table that is part of the robot’s body. The robot’s top half is, predictably, toward the back of the table. On the table, though, can be seen a closed rectangle that will slide back to reveal the string cheese, and beside it, a slot to take a credit card. The table is otherwise unadorned. The robot’s hands can be seen on either side of the rectangle and slot.

BARKER (elec) (OP)
Put yer cred in the slot and tell me what you’re looking for. The string cheese will rise, and you eat it.

BARKER (elec) (OP)
Then, your life will change.


PAGE 2

PANEL 1
We’re looking at the friends again. Craig looks skeptical, and Harry is rolling his eyes. Melinda is looking in her purse for her cred card.

CRAIG
What’s the catch?

MELINDA
It’s just good fun, Craig. I’m going to do it.

HARRY
You’re always suspicious, Craig.

PANEL 2
We’re looking back at the table. We see Melinda’s hand, holding a card over the slot. All she has to do is lower the card into the slot.

CRAIG (OP)
I just like knowing the rules before I play, Harry. You know that.

BARKER (elec) (OP)
This isn’t about wishes. This is a-bout what you’re looking for. Most wishes are ephemeral. When you look for something, you’re try-ing to manifest it.

PANEL 3
We’re looking at the Barker, who’s got both hands and arms up, pontificating.

BARKER (elec)
People want a million dollars, but have no real idea how to get it. They’re not red-day. Wishes that aren’t doing them any good. There’s no energy to move the string.

BARKER (elec)
If you put enough en-er-gee into something, you can move the string and manifest your desires.

BARKER (elec)
You have some-thing we artificial’s don’t--the extra en-er-gee to move the string.

PANEL 4
We’re still on the Barker, and he’s gesturing to the rectangle.

BARKER (elec)
After you state what you’re look-ing for, eat-ing the string cheese will start to move the string, and start to man-ee-fest your desire.

BARKER (elec)
The cheese re-pre-sents power, not wishful think-ing.

PANEL 5
We’re back on the group. They’re all now looking thoughtful.

CRAIG
This string you mention... I take it you’re talking about string theory?

BARKER (elec) (OP)
Careful and bright, this one.

HARRY
A play with words, like Melinda said.

HARRY
It’s just more interesting than I thought it would be.

PANEL 6
The guys are now reaching for their wallets in their back pockets.

HARRY
I’m going to do it.

PAGE 3
This page is a nine-panel grid. Across the top will be the faces of the people, the middle tier will be their hands, and the third tier will be the string cheeses.

PANEL 1
We’re on Melinda, who’s looking like she’s got stars in her eyes. She’s smiling.

MELINDA
To be truly seen as a loving, worthy person. Everything else will come after that...

PANEL 2
Craig, who’s smiling as well. It isn’t a full smile. It might be more embarassed than anything. His hand could be at the back of his head, like he’s scratching it absently.

CRAIG
I want to understand. Not just people and how they think, but concepts and ideas. I want to understand so I can make a difference, like Einstein or Hawking or Nash.

PANEL 3
Harry’s got a full smile on his face. He’s not ashamed at all.

HARRY
I want help others. Have insights into them so I can help direct them to what they need, that will help them most.

PANEL 4
Melinda’s hand, punching her cred card into the slot.

NO COPY

PANEL 5
Craig’s hand, punching his cred card into the slot.

NO COPY

PANEL 6
Harry’s hand, punching his cred card into the slot.

NO COPY

PANEL 7
There is a string cheese, unwrapped, lying on its side on the rectangle. Make the rectangle it’s lying on a different color, so it doesn’t look like it magically appeared.

NO COPY

PANEL 8
And other.

NO COPY

PANEL 9
And the last.

NO COPY


PAGE 4

PANEL 1
All three of them are holding their string cheese up, looking at one another, smiling. The barker can barely be seen to the right of the panel.

BARKER (elec)
Eat. Move the string.

PANEL 2
They’re eating, the string cheese in their mouths as they take a bite simultaneously. Craig has one eye closed in a squint, but the others are smiling.

NO COPY

PANEL 3
Craig’s eyes are opened, surprised. He’s got a more-than-slight smile on his face.

CRAIG
That’s better than I thought!

PANEL 4
They’re all looking over their shoulder at the barker, waving with one hand, the string cheese in the other. They are walking away, toward us.

MELINDA
Thank you!

BARKER (elec)
Take care. Move the string.


PAGE 5

PANEL 1
Melinda and Craig and a child about 10 years old are on a picnic somewhere. Open field, during the day, with a river, trees. Melinda and Craig are 20 years older. The main focus of this panel is Melinda.

CAP
Melinda started the Hug Life foundation, giving true affection for anyone who needs it. It is now clears a billion dollars, annually.

CAP
Melinda also married Craig after a brief courtship. He saw her as the truly loving, wonderful person she was.

PANEL 2
Craig is on a stage, dressed in a tuxedo. He is accepting a Nobel prize. He’s still about 40. He should be recognizable, but also try to give some depth to this panel, to show the scope of the amount of people there.

CAP
Applying himself and his understanding of concepts, Craig created and patented the first working teleporter.

CAP
This won him his third Nobel Prize in science, the first two being perfecting faster-than-light travel, and the second for creating the first tractor beam.

CAP
Together, he and Melinda are the world’s first trillionaires.

PANEL 3
Harry, also about 40, is sitting behind a desk, pen and pad in hand. He is dressed in a shirt and tie, and he looks to be in deep concentration. There’s a patient lying on a couch near the desk, and their mouth is open as though they’re talking. I don’t care if they’re male or female. The wall behind him is festooned with certificates.

CAP
Harry’s understanding of and ability to help people put him the conversation with Frued and Jung.

CAP
Although nowhere near as wealthy as his friends, Harry’s fame and accomplishments gave him a different sort of wealth.

PANEL 4
We’re looking at the carnival at a different location. It’s still small, near a small town.

CAP (BARKER) (elec)
“Hur-ray, hur-ray, hur-ray! Step right up to see a me-ray-cull of modern science. You’ve got to see it to believe it. Hur-ray, hur-ray.”

PANEL 5
We can see the barker, doing what he does best. A couple are holding hands as they approach him.

BARKER (elec)
Are ya search-ing for enlighten-ment? Are ya search-ing for a change in your life? Then hur-ray on up, slide me a cred, and re-cieve your cheesy for-tune!

CAP
End.

Bishop
01-08-2015, 08:00 AM
PAGE 1

PANEL 1
It’s dusk, and we’re looking out over a carnival. Pull back to show the carnival in a field, with a ferris wheel to draw the eye, but there should be a town around it, too. Not a large town, and this isn’t a large carnival. We can see people milling about, and more people streaming in toward the entrance.


I've enjoyed reading these! Steven, yours was a fun read as well. However, I'm wondering how this panel would be drawn...

Alyssa
01-08-2015, 08:05 AM
Woohoo! So many entries! And Steven's in, too! I got some catching up to do, tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's my entry. Linking to the PDF, because I'm too tired to try to format this sucker in a post right now. I'll paste the script here in the forum tomorrow if I get the chance!

STRING CHEESE short story (http://alyssacrow.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/STRING-CHEESE-alycro.pdf)

Enjoy that puppy in all its raw goodness- I didn't get a chance to edit it today like I was hoping. :banana:

I think I've "underthunk" this TOO much (http://www.digitalwebbing.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1840482&postcount=2), Steven. :har: General thought was just to focus on this one moment, where the girl is stressing about seeing her crush, only to find he has feelings for her too.
Plus some sci-fi stuff, because, you know, A.I. requirement. :har:
Is this even enough to be considered a short story? The only reason I filled the page count was because I was having some fun with the goofy dialogue.

G'night, peoples! Grats on all those entries!


Edited to add script to post:

ENVIRONMENTS

SCI-FI SLUM
The slum, as we see it in this story, consists of a dead-end alley, offering access to numerous slum homes. The alley slopes slightly downwards towards Priss's house, which is at the end of the alley. The multi-story buildings are cobbled together with scrap materials, and rusted satellite dishes cover the roofs. Cables thick and thin run along the dirt street and between the houses like spider webs and across the walls- an obvious fire hazard.

PRISS'S HOUSE
In stark contrast to the other houses, which are plain, Priss's house (two-storey and narrow, like many of the other houses) is painted crudely in a variety of girly colours. The paint is peeling and flaking off. Marigolds potted in found containers randomly dot the roof of the porch, perhaps serving the secondary purpose of keeping the porch roof weighed down. Nasturtiums sprawl across the front stoop, presumably rooted directly in the dirt street. A wind chime made from old cans (labels removed) hangs by the front door, which is merely an opening in the wall.

Inside, the top floor is first and foremost a bedroom. There is a pallet on the floor with old rags piled on it for bedding. There is a bulky, rusting docking station for the robot DiDi. Besides these main items, there's just miscellaneous clutter of a young girl who likes to collect random discarded items.

There are sloppily-built stairs (made from found timbers and building materials) on the left-hand side of the room, leading downstairs to the main living area.

Downstairs, the room has a packed dirt floor. Thin blankets on the floor mark the kitchen/dining area and the living room. The kitchen/dining is between the base of the stairs and the front door, consisting of a small bar-fridge, a portable gas hotplate (and gas cylinder), a small stack of pots/dishes/utensils, and an upturned milk crate next to an upturned metal drum (which serve as dining table and chair). There's a single marigold flower sitting in a glass of dirty water on the "table".

The living room is just more clutter, but with a few stacks of books, apparently Priss's entertainment.


CHARACTERS

EDMÉ
A boy of about 16 years of age. Skinny, Indian ethnicity. His hair is a mess of dark curls, and he wears a shirt and shorts that look like they've got a lot of wear. He wears sandals on his feet that are thin and worn.

PRISS
A girl about 15 years old. She's skinny and lanky- slightly taller than EDMÉ. Her face is covered in freckles, her skin tanned from time in the sun. Her hair is matted and bleached. She wears a pair of boy cargo pants that are slightly too big for her and a t-shirt that's been cut off above the belly button. She wears zip-ties, big rubber bands, and a piece of colourful fabric around her wrist as bangles. She doesn't have any shoes.

DIDI
A rusty humanoid robot. She's the height of an average adult, and not intimidating in appearance (rounded edges, etc). References for design here and here.

PAGE ONE (6 panels)

PANEL #1
It’s late morning, what light makes it down into the narrow street is warm. We’re looking at EDMÉ more or less front-on, who is happily peddling a rusted bicycle on nothing but bent rims, whistling a tune. He's carrying a small, patched duffle-bag over his shoulder, bursting with mail (the word “mail” is written on the side of the bag in big letters made of masking tape). We can see some of the SCI-FI SLUM stretching out behind him.

EDMÉ
♪♫

PANEL #2
Edmé is breaking in from the left of the panel, riding down the alley towards a brightly painted PRISS'S HOUSE at the end of the road (main focal point, towards the right of the panel). PRISS'S form can be seen in the single second-storey window.

EDMÉ


PANEL #3
We're closer to Priss's second-storey window, so we have a clear view of her. She is looking down towards Edmé, who is almost completely out-of-frame (he hasn’t yet peddled close enough yet to be properly in-frame), with a look of mild horror.

PRISS
Hang and quarter! Edmé's comin'!

PANEL #4
We're inside Priss's house now, looking towards Priss standing at the window. Priss has her hand on the window sill (merely a repurposed piece of wood), but is turned to look towards us, still distressed. If the shot allows, perhaps we can see Edmé down on the street, riding closer (unaware of Priss up in the window).

PRISS
What'll I do, DiDi?

PANEL #5
Bird’s-eye view, so we can see more of the room. DIDI is standing in the middle of the room, facing Priss, though as a robot she lacks gesture or emotion. Priss, on the other hand, looks at DiDi quizzically with her brows furrowed, head tilted to the side.

DIDI
Why, I expect you would take any written correspondence he is coming to deliver, milady.

PANEL #6
Priss has stepped closer to DiDi, exasperated, with her arms thrown up in the air. DiDi, as always, stands robotically indifferent.

PRISS
Bugger my dugs, DiDi!

PRISS
I don't care for his bloody mail!



PAGE TWO (6 panels)

PANEL #1
Goofy panel; the background of this panel has been replaced with love hearts. Close on Priss. She has a dreamy expression on her face, hands held to her heart.

PRISS
You see, he don't know it yet, but me and Edmé are in love.

PANEL #2
DiDi leans forward from the side of the panel, apparently assessing Priss's dreamy moment. Priss is still in her pose from the previous panel, but her expression has fallen flat as she looks at DiDi.

DIDI
Milady, I must remind you that I lack the computational requirements to properly understand and advise on emotional--

(Note to letterer: perhaps have the following speech bubble encroach into this panel and into DiDi's balloon, giving a stronger visual of Priss's interruption?)

PANEL #3
Priss is holding up her hand, stopping DiDi from continuing.

PRISS
Don't matter none, DiDi. I just gotta give Edmé something that shows him how much I care.

PANEL #4
Priss is crudely gesturing down at her crotch. DiDi is looking down at Priss’s hands indifferently.

PRISS
What do boys like more than a girl's muff?

PANEL #5
DiDi and Priss in profile, silently looking at each other.

NO COPY

PANEL #6
Repeat of panel #5, but Priss has a quizzical look on her face.

DIDI
String cheese.

PRISS
String cheese?

DIDI
Indeed, milady.


PAGE THREE (6 panels)

PANEL #1
Priss has rushed past DiDi, careening at the top of the rickety stairs leading down to the ground level of the house.

PRISS
String cheese it is!

PANEL #2
Priss at the bottom of the stairs, where there's a small, rusted bar fridge. She’s crouched in front of the fridge, about to open it. DiDi is walking down the stairs, still near the top.

PRISS
Thanks, DiDi! Better than a roast pig on Wintersday, you are.

DIDI
You are most welcome, milady. I am here for your tutelage and enlightenment.

PANEL #3
Close up of the fridge interior, looking pretty bare but for a couple inexpensive food items. Priss's hand has reached into the fridge, about to pick up a lone stick of string cheese (it's wrapped in its own plastic wrapper).

PRISS
Yes!

PANEL #4
Priss is crouched in front of the open bar fridge, turned to face DiDi, but she's looking at the stick of string cheese in her hand.

PRISS
Kiss a saint, I've one left.

PANEL #5
Close on Priss, she’s holding the stick of cheese up to her face, nose scrunched up. The wrapper looks kind of old, and the cheese itself has some slightly discoloured blotches on it.

PRISS
I hope it ain't too ripe.

PANEL #6
We're looking past Edmé, who is standing in the (doorless) doorway, still holding his mail bag over his shoulder (if it's visible in this shot, his bicycle is laying in the dirt behind him a short ways). He's peering into the house at Priss and DiDi. Priss is in the process of standing from her crouch, cheese in hand, looking towards the door in surprise. DiDi stands behind her.

EDMÉ
What’s too ripe?


PAGE FOUR (7 panels)

PANEL #1
Mid-shot of Edmé. He bashfully holds his hand behind his head, suddenly awkward.

EDMÉ
I mean, if you gots fruit goin' bad an' all, I know Miss Mable has some right nice strawberries growin' on her front porch.

EDMÉ
I could go pick some for you, or...

PANEL #2
Profile shot of Priss and Edmé (perhaps a cutaway where the wall would be, as they stand on either side of the open door?). Priss is standing there, with a goofily happy expression. Edmé is looking really shy.

EDMÉ
... somethin'...

PANEL #3
Repeat of previous panel.

PRISS
Hey, Edme!

EDMÉ
Hiya, Priss.

PANEL #4
Repeat of previous panel, but this time, Priss is holding the stick of string cheese straight out in front of her, eagerly offering it to Edmé. Edmé has his hand raised, poised to accept it. He wears a mildly concerned smile.

PRISS
String cheese?

EDMÉ
Uh, gee. Thanks, Priss.

PANEL #5
Edmé has a hand dipped into the side pocket of his mail bag, the other hand holding the string cheese.

EDMÉ
I, uh...

PANEL #6
Motion-lines to indicate Edmé thrusting a small, folded piece of paper into Priss's open hands. Priss is mildly surprised, Edmé more nervous than ever.

EDMÉ
... I gots a letter for you!

PANEL #7
We're outside, pulled away from the front porch a little. Edmé has rushed back to his bicycle, and is in the process of pulling it up off the ground to ride, cheese tucked between his hand and the handlebar. Priss holds her letter in one hand while waving to Edmé with the other. She has a confused but still somewhat happy expression on her face.

EDMÉ
Uh, I gotta go! See you later, Priss!

PRISS
Oh, uh, bye!

PRISS (murmur)
What in the...


PAGE FIVE (5 panels)

PANEL #1
We're looking over Priss's shoulder, as Edmé rides away without looking back. Priss's shoulders are slumped.

DIDI (O.P. Coming from behind Priss)
Master Edmé is in a hurry today, I see. Late for his mail run, perhaps?

PRISS
Damned to hell if I know.

PANEL #2
Priss is looking down at the letter, which she has opened and is reading. DiDi stands behind her, peering over her shoulder at the letter.

NO COPY
PANEL #3
Close-up of the letter (we can see Priss's thumb holding the edge of the old piece of paper).

LETTER TEXT (child-like, messy handwriting)
Dear Priss.
Your nice.
I think I Luv you Lots.
~Edmé
PANEL #4
Repeat of Panel #2, though Priss's face is now lit up with joy. She has a huge grin on her face.

NO COPY

PANEL #5
Repeat of Panel #4.

DIDI
I see that he liked the string cheese, milady.

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 08:18 AM
Well, I've got one entry submitted to TPG. Who else is going to submit? Who wants to see me get raked over the coals? (I noticed some missing words in the dialogue there. Makes me wonder how many more I missed.)

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 08:23 AM
Alyssa, that was fun! I liked it. Very simple and to the point.

Nice work.

Schuyler
01-08-2015, 10:10 AM
Well, I've got one entry submitted to TPG. Who else is going to submit? Who wants to see me get raked over the coals? (I noticed some missing words in the dialogue there. Makes me wonder how many more I missed.)

I'll submit mine.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-08-2015, 12:02 PM
I'll submit mine.

Oho, my nemesis follows me into the battleground known as TPG! Where there is yin, there is yang; where there is Rin, there is Van.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-08-2015, 12:09 PM
Is this even enough to be considered a short story?

Allow me to be pompous and brush off what little I remember of my degree: "the essence of drama is conflict; the essence of fiction is change, whether induced inside the text or through the reader's mental state."

Therefore, your script is indeed a short story, as we have examples of both change and conflict.

paul brian deberry
01-08-2015, 05:23 PM
Well, I've got one entry submitted to TPG. Who else is going to submit? Who wants to see me get raked over the coals? (I noticed some missing words in the dialogue there. Makes me wonder how many more I missed.)

I'll submit mine. what is the link to submitting?

gmartyt
01-08-2015, 06:43 PM
I'll submit. After a few...changes, of course.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-08-2015, 07:02 PM
I'll submit mine. what is the link to submitting?

If you are interested in submitting a script to The Proving Grounds, ComixTribe’s weekly comic script review column, the rules are very simple:

Email scripts to TPG@comixtribe.com.

Only send scripts in either .doc or docx formats.

You may send up to 22 pages of script. We don’t want to see your graphic novels, we don’t want to see your double-sized specials. 22 pages.

TPG will run every Friday. Please send the scripts no later than Tuesday. If you send it later than that, there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to edit the script by Friday.

Use your real name to comment. (You’re going to have to use your real name for the site, anyway, so this shouldn’t be a problem.)

If you’ve done everything correctly, you should get an e-mail stating you’re in the queue, and you should check the list/calendar to see when your turn is.

If you send things in the wrong format, or there are too many pages, or to the wrong addy, we’re simply not going to edit it, and we’re not going to say anything about it. This may seem cruel and unusual, but there’s a point.

The point, simply, is this: we’re here to help you. If you can’t follow these very simple directions, you’re not going to be able to follow a publisher’s instructions for their submissions.

Then, there’s the biggest rule: NO FLAMING. We’re here to help one another, not tear into one another. The only ones who can be flamed are the editors. Call us jerks, say we’re wrong, say we can’t edit. Say whatever you like to us or about us. We’ve got thick skins. Just no flaming each other. I’d rather shut the whole thing down than have that happen.

So, those are the rules. Simple enough. Start sending those scripts, and let’s do some learning!

I'm not sure about the before Tuesday thing. Did It stem from a time when there wasn't a queue and scripts were critiqued the same week they were submitted?

paul brian deberry
01-08-2015, 07:05 PM
I'll submit. After a few...changes, of course.


post as is and take your lumps. good enough to post here as is.. good enough for The Proving Ground.

paul brian deberry
01-08-2015, 07:07 PM
I'm not sure about the before Tuesday thing. Did It stem from a time when there wasn't a queue and scripts were critiqued the same week they were submitted?

i wrote mine on the forum here. guess i have to format the thing. blah.

paul brian deberry
01-08-2015, 07:09 PM
I wrote a kind of simple story.

The Successful Life

“This is as we expected.”
“I know…”
“But shouldn’t we—“
“I SAID I KNOW!” he shouted. He wasn’t feeling kind, especially to an electronic voice. H.E.L.E.N. was his creation, after all. Why should he be bothered by being polite to a machine?
Unfortunately for him, H.E.L.E.N.’s AI simulated emotions had not yet been scarred by his temper as to be silent. “We should begin the next phase of testing. You built me 5 years ago. YOU were seeking enlightenment to these chemical processes.”
“AND?”
“And, “ the calm electronic female voice continued, “You will have wasted those 3 years of building me and the 5 years of testing if you don’t press forward with the acceleration process.”
My goodness, has it been 8 years? he thought. All of those years… He still heard his former drive in her insistence. “You will have wasted”… that’s something he would have said all of those years ago, something he would have said in those 3 years he built her. He’d based a great deal of the AI on his own personality. And now, that spirit is a permanent part of H.E.L.E.N. A spirit that maybe he lost touch with.
He looked around. This used to be a lab. Now he lives here. Damn, he was even too lazy to go home. String cheese, tissues, empty energy drink cans… Wow, is this what his life had come to? So out of touch, driven to the point that, now that the next step is upon him, he’s grown so used to NOT moving that he’s actually yelling at an AI, because HE’S not ready to start something that he’s planned for years?
String cheese? CLAIRE! Oh my, Claire! String cheese was THEIR thing! But how he’s pushed Claire away, being too busy, waiting for this moment. Now that the moment’s here, Claire’s effectively out of his life, because of his passiveness. With the shining moment upon him, all he could feel was a wash of regret. Somehow, the completion of the initial stage of the project seemed less important than before, and he was able to see his own life anew. And now all he could see was how much he’d pushed Claire away these last few months, as the years of work were about to pay off. The string cheese was just a reminder of how he was alone at this moment.
“What am I going to do?” he cried regretfully.
“About what?” H.E.L.E.N. asked, plainly and electronically.
“About Claire. She’s not here… and that’s my fault.”
“I’ve sent her a case of string cheese. Just to remind her that you love her.” Wait, string cheese was a running joke between him and Claire. Did he make an AI with a sense of humor?
“But… why should you care?”
“I’m your message in a bottle,” H.E.L.E.N. responded. “I’m a glimpse of your younger self. I’m not going to let your life fall apart, now that success is here.”
Does he have a machine for a conscience? Maybe he’d put more of himself into H.E.L.E.N. thank he realized. “Man, I’ve… I’ve lived basically alone,” he added.
“Not really. You’ve had me. And I’m also you, or at least, part of you. And I’d say it’s time for me to help you rebuild your life. -- Dialing Claire.”

this is FRIKKIN awesome, Jason!!

Alyssa
01-08-2015, 07:53 PM
Alyssa, that was fun! I liked it. Very simple and to the point.

Nice work.

Allow me to be pompous and brush off what little I remember of my degree: "the essence of drama is conflict; the essence of fiction is change, whether induced inside the text or through the reader's mental state."

Therefore, your script is indeed a short story, as we have examples of both change and conflict.

Thanks, guys. Rin, you're allowed to be pompous. :har: That's actually a great quote- something to keep in mind while I keep practicing short story writing!

Alyssa
01-08-2015, 08:00 PM
post as is and take your lumps. good enough to post here as is.. good enough for The Proving Ground.

Yup, I just cleaned up a couple goofs in my formatting, and submitted as-is. It's already up here in its unedited glory- no point tryin' to cover it up for TPG. :har:

paul brian deberry
01-08-2015, 08:01 PM
here are my quick thoughts after reading them all....

@JasonEnosArt - Damn dude! That's good stuff. You have a fun voice.

@Kiyoko, Rin - Yours is my favorite and I liked reading your dialogue.

@HDMe - Your script writing is fine. Scripts only need to be clear enough for an artist (and those pesky editors) to figure out what the hell is going on. You did that. I like how you give a little direction with each page.

@Paul Brian DeBerry - You suck! You bum!

@ gmartyt - Apologize accepted. As a letterer I LOVE that you were smart enough to make page one only two panels.

@Schuyler - simple direction error. "Except his skull cap is metal thus he has no hair. .... Arti has brown hair..." Interesting stuff.

@Duane Korslund - One of the keys to being a writer is writing what entains you if you can do that chances are it will entertain others. Which it DOES. So it worked.

@Steven Forbes - Loved it! Best thing I've evah read! (fingers crossed kissing your ass will save mine on TPG.) All joking aside. Page three didn't work for me... had to read it a couple times to visualize what I was supposed to be seeing. I'm sure it would look better drawn. Page one I think you over thought one or two panels. Could have gone less is more. Page five payoff was well done.

@Alssya - I like that you jumped full into the idea and created a world. Thanks for making me feel like crap for not doing that... Great little script and I'm sure any artist would LOVE to draw your script.

Well done everyone (except that DeBerry dick - F'U)

Alyssa
01-08-2015, 08:27 PM
@Alssya - I like that you jumped full into the idea and created a world. Thanks for making me feel like crap for not doing that...


http://memecrunch.com/meme/33GUW/you-re-welcome/image.jpg

Great little script and I'm sure any artist would LOVE to draw your script.

Thanks, dude. :har: I'd actually love to see a parallel challenge where the artists here on DW draw page layouts based on these scripts, to push their sequential skills. Spread the love of the string cheese!

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 09:28 PM
I've got three submissions for TPG! Two more, and I add my own to the fray!

And don't forget--this challenge ends on 1/10.

I've read all the entries so far, and while I'm not going to comment on all of them, a couple of them made me lol a few times.

Fun times, people! Thanks for participating!

Schuyler
01-08-2015, 09:49 PM
@Schuyler - simple direction error. "Except his skull cap is metal thus he has no hair. .... Arti has brown hair..." Interesting stuff.

Thank you, Paul! I knew there was a reason I was waiting to submit it to TPG.

Stewart Vernon
01-08-2015, 09:58 PM
After thinking about it... I may tweak for my own purposes, especially if I take a stab at drawing mine... but the "if it's good enough for here..." mantra pushed me over the edge, so I'll submit mine tonight to TPG.

Schuyler
01-08-2015, 10:06 PM
I really liked your script Alyssa. Your dialogue was so fun!

-Sky

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 10:11 PM
That's four scripts in my inbox. One more and we're good to go with my own script going up!

(And for those of you who've submitted, you'll be getting your emails in a couple of hours.)

Stewart Vernon
01-08-2015, 11:20 PM
I just sent mine. I did fix a missing word from my original posting (one panel description was missing a word that made it harder to read) and a minor glitch or two with words/numbers but I resisted the urge to change other things that I would change on second look.

I'll take my lumps mostly based on the version posted here.

Steven Forbes
01-08-2015, 11:24 PM
And... I've got five scripts sent in!

Does this mean I won't take more? Not at all. If you write it and want to send it to TPG, feel free! The more the merrier! Reaching five scripts just means that I now get to have my own script gone through.

So, I'm going to take my lumps with the rest of you.

I'm still wanting to see more posts here! Alyssa owes me one more script (no pressure!), and we've still got 2 days to go!

Tell you what: Alyssa, you write me another script, and I'll write another script, and I'll post them both!

Challaaaange!!!

Alyssa
01-09-2015, 12:05 AM
I'm still wanting to see more posts here! Alyssa owes me one more script (no pressure!), and we've still got 2 days to go!

Tell you what: Alyssa, you write me another script, and I'll write another script, and I'll post them both!

Challaaaange!!!

What, using the same prompts? I thought we were doin' another one, like, [Writing Challenge 02]. :slap:

Alyssa
01-09-2015, 12:06 AM
I really liked your script Alyssa. Your dialogue was so fun!

-Sky

Aw thanks! I've been trying to focus on my dialogue, because I found that my characters were all starting to sound pretty similar, regardless of backgrounds. Dialogue is hard.

Steven Forbes
01-09-2015, 12:32 AM
What, using the same prompts? I thought we were doin' another one, like, [Writing Challenge 02]. :slap:

It's a challaaaange!

Now, if you REALLY want to do a different set of prompts...I think I can oblige. (Insert menacing chuckle here)

Alyssa
01-09-2015, 12:48 AM
I vote for different prompts! One string cheese is plenty for me. :har:

Steven Forbes
01-09-2015, 01:06 AM
Awwww... Fine!

I'll think of something else maniacal for the next challenge. This one as to run its course first, though.

Alyssa
01-09-2015, 01:08 AM
Let no one say that Steven's not accommodating! :har:

gmartyt
01-09-2015, 01:18 AM
post as is and take your lumps. good enough to post here as is.. good enough for The Proving Ground.

Fair enough. Submitted.

Duane Korslund
01-09-2015, 08:58 AM
Awwww... Fine!

I'll think of something else maniacal for the next challenge. This one as to run its course first, though.

Bring it sir!

LukePierce
01-09-2015, 09:51 AM
Mine. I meant to submit it for a peer review, but the work system and google docs do not want to be friends which has been a tad awkward.

Looking at what has been submitted thus far has been enjoyable read, so I hope I can continue that.

World setting:
The world of 2040 is still mostly recognisable to anyone coming from 2015.

Laptops have mostly disappeared and are touch-screen technologies which connect to information clouds on the internet. Physical hard drives have been dispensed with entirely.
Some companies have been going one stage further and developed androids with a touch-screen technology and they would respond as appropriately as their owners want them to – a compliant slave for some; a friend or lover for others.

The more you know...

--------------


Page 1 of 4
6 Panels

Panel 1
Setting: Home Kitchen of the CAMP residence.

Tall panel.

MELANIE EASTLEIGH (see ref sheet) is standing behind a central kitchen counter (the kind that can double as a casual dinner party space) and wielding a knife. To emphasise her 6’5” height, her hips are above the counter, yet she shows no discomfort from having to bend a little to use the counter.
She’s wearing her hair pulled back into a loose ponytail and her pullover has the sleeves rolled above her elbows.

Her eyes are closed and she has a small smile on her face as she gets on with cooking. Her skin has a slight sheen to it and her hands are partially covered in flour.

Artist Note: MELANIE is an android, but not obviously so.

1 MELANIE (singing): Mmm hmhmhm hmhm hmmm…


Panel 2

Wide panel.

MELANIE remains standing behind the counter. The knife has already been placed to one side and is resting safely (as in, the recommended standard).
Melanie is reaching to the right as the reader sees it (so her left hand) and is grabbing a pack of “CHEEZY STRINGZ”.
Her eyes are now open and we can see their Amber colour.

2 MELANIE: I have never understood why you always want this in your food, David.


Panel 3

DAVID CAMP (see ref sheet) is lazing back on a three seat leather sofa. His head rests on the left hand side, as the reader sees it, and his feet are resting on the extremity of the right arm. His feet are only just extending over the edge.

This is a very bacchal scene and DAVID’s laziness needs to be emphasized.

3 DAVID: Yes, but you know I like the Cheezy Stringz kick.


Panel 4

MELANIE has turned around from the counter and holds the pack up. She has a concerned look.

4 MELANIE: Kick?

5 MELANIE: Would that be the total of 12% sodium?


Panel 5
Medium shot of DAVID who still remains laying on the sofa, but holds a finger to his lips. His eyes are closed and he has a smug look of satisfaction.

6 DAVID: Shhhhhh….

7 DAVID: You are here to serve.


Panel 6

Close up of MELANIE. She is biting down on her bottom lip.

8 MELANIE (electronic bubble): I am, but why have you not yet noticed?


End Page 1

Page 2 of 4
5 Panels

Panel 1

DAVID has sat up on his sofa, looking a little less slovenly. He is in the midst of rubbing the back of his head.

1 DAVID: You know, I’ve just realised something.


Panel 2

MELANIE is looking back over her right shoulder, her ponytail following the movement of her head. She has a puzzled expression.

2 MELANIE: And what is it that you have realised?


Panel 3

DAVID has stood up from the couch, stretching his arms upwards.

3 DAVID: Just that you like to cater to my whims.


Panel 4

Tall and wide panel.

MELANIE is looking down, her hands resting on the counter. Although MELANIE is a very tall girl, this should be revealing how very alone and vulnerable she feels at this moment.

4 MELANIE: It –

5 MELANIE: It is what your father employs me to do.


Panel 5

DAVID is now standing just slightly behind MELANIE. He is looking up toward MELANIE; she has turned her head slightly away from him. This should also be emphasizing the difference in their respective heights (MELANIE being a good 8 inches taller than DAVID).

6 DAVID: Oh really? You make me wonder sometimes.


End Page 2


Page 3 of 4
4 Panels

Panel 1

DAVID has turned his back on MELANIE and he has an expression that’s really open, he has his mostly clenched right hand raised up and pointing his forefinger up towards the ceiling. MELANIE is looking downwards with her eyes, her own expression registers concern.

1 DAVID: I know - -

2 DAVID: Melanie, why don’t you enlighten me as to what your whims are?


Panel 2

Close up of MELANIE (from her shoulders up), her cheeks have flushed but as small circles, her eyes are (going from top down) going from amber to white.

3 MELANIE: I – I – IIIII


Panel 3

DAVID has turned back around, his eyes more or less level with her breasts. However, he has a strong curious expression rather than being enamoured.

4 DAVID: So, an Artificial Intelligence does have desires?

5 DAVID: So why can’t you tell me?


Panel 4

Tall panel of MELANIE. She has clenched her fists and gritted her teeth as if she’s in terrible pain.

6 MELANIE: K-k-kiiii

End Page 3

Page 4 of 5
3 Panels

Panel 1

Medium shot. MELANIE has closed her eyes and has a calm expression.

1 MELANIE (electronic): I cannot inform.

2 MELANIE (electronic): Demonstrate.


Panel 2

MELANIE is reaching out with her left hand, her eyes have now turned almost entirely white.

3 MELANIE: Demonstration in progress.


Panel 3

Rear view of DAVID on the floor as he cowers back in fear from MELANIE.

4 DAVID: STAY AWAY!

5 MELANIE: David, you should never have asked if you really did not want to know.

End Page 4


Page 5 of 5
2 Panels

Panel 1

DAVID has gritted his teeth in anticipation. MELANIE’s left hand has grabbed his pullover.

1 DAVID: NO!

Panel 2

This panel is to take up approximately half the page. White space should suggest that this is just entirely their scene and nothing else matters.

DAVID is being held up by MELANIE with her left arm as she has leaned in to kiss him, DAVID has his eyes wide open in shock.

2 MELANIE (electronic): Maybe next time I can tell him.

3 CAPTION: End.


End Page 5

Schuyler
01-09-2015, 11:57 AM
HDME, I really liked the mystery within your story. Good stuff.

I wanted to point out to you that if there is no dialogue on the panel, you write NO COPY. You don't have to write "No dialogue on this panel." It might save you some time.

paul brian deberry
01-09-2015, 02:49 PM
HDME, I really liked the mystery within your story. Good stuff.

I wanted to point out to you that if there is no dialogue on the panel, you write NO COPY. You don't have to write "No dialogue on this panel." It might save you some time.

or you could leave it blank. which will save you even more time.

Stewart Vernon
01-09-2015, 09:20 PM
HDME, I really liked the mystery within your story. Good stuff.

I wanted to point out to you that if there is no dialogue on the panel, you write NO COPY. You don't have to write "No dialogue on this panel." It might save you some time.

Thank you. The "no copy" thing was one of the fixes I knew I should have made before posting, but since I didn't it went to TPG that way too.

or you could leave it blank. which will save you even more time.

Is that acceptable? I'm still of the "this page intentionally left blank" school sometimes where I'm used to having to qualify blank space so nobody asks if something was missing... but I'd much rather take the less-work path if I can get away with it :)

For anyone wondering... I decided to wait until the 10th to binge-read everyone's stories back-to-back. I have skimmed through them all, though, and I'm actually pleased that we all mostly came at this from completely different ways. I was sure at least one of us would have come up with a similar narrative, so that was interesting to me.

Schuyler
01-09-2015, 11:38 PM
Is that acceptable? I'm still of the "this page intentionally left blank" school sometimes where I'm used to having to qualify blank space so nobody asks if something was missing... but I'd much rather take the less-work path if I can get away with it :)

I used to leave it blank, and someone I trust told me to put NO COPY in. Paul is a letterer, though. So, I would have to say it depends on who you hire to do your lettering.

scrappy
01-10-2015, 10:46 AM
I will be submitting mine later today.

scrappy
01-10-2015, 06:08 PM
I went a little goofy.



Cheese to the Future (5 Pages)

Page 1 (5 panels)

Panel 1
A medium shot of an all white hallway in an office building. No windows. Something futuristic looking with sleek, pristine walls, tile flooring and bright luminescent lights. On either side of the hall are evenly spaced doors. The hallway is only slightly noticeable though because the main focus of the panel is a puff of blue energy in the middle of it, an effect that represents a teleporter distorting space.

SFX
“Whoompf!”

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 2
Same angle/shot of hallway as previous panel. Only now the “teleporter effect” has been replaced by the image of a man, the TRAVELER, standing in its place. He is dressed in a shiny, silver, futuristic looking suit (reminiscent of cheesy sci-fi television from the 60’s) equipped with a communicator device on his wrist and a strange cone shaped device on his belt. He has a blank expression on his face (because his teleportation hasn’t fullt completed yet). Blue remnants of the vanishing “teleporter effect” can be seen floating on either side of him.

SFX
“Pssst”

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3
An over the shoulder shot from behind the traveler as we see what he sees, which is the hallway extending on for what looks like forever. The traveler is also holding up the wrist communicator to his face as he speaks into it.

TRAVELER
Journal entry: warp jump to designated time successful.

Panel 4
An angled side shot of the traveler as he turns to face the door he’s standing in front of which reads “Lab 800.” He is still holding his hand up and talking into the communicator.

TRAVELER
Synchronization to target location: “Cameron Robotics Inc.” was also successful.

Panel 5
A smaller close-up panel of the man’s hand (not the one with the communicator) as it reaches for the white doorknob.

TRAVELER (off panel)
Commencing Operation: Chronos Rebirth now.



Page 2 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
A strict point of view shot from the traveler’s “eyes” as he enters the lab. Contrary to the hallway, the lab looks dirty, old and neglected, as if it were a hand-me-down laboratory. We only see half the lab where a nerdy looking SCIENTIST, in thick glasses and a lab coat, looks back over his shoulder at the “camera.” Surprised and frightened, the scientist is standing in front of a lab table off to the side of the room, which has stereotypical lab equipment like beakers, test tubes and a Bunsen burner. The lab’s open door can be seen at the side of the panel as the traveler is walking through it.

SCIENTIST
Who are you? How did you get in my lab? You don’t have security clearance to…

Panel 2
A medium side shot of the traveler approaching the scientist. He is holding out the strange and rusted cone shaped device. The scientist is reaching out for it in amazement.

TRAVELER
Don’t be afraid. I’m not here to cause any trouble. And I was told to give this to you as proof.

SCIENTIST
My mother’s cheese grader? But it’s all old and rusted.

SCIENTIST
How is that possible?

PANEL 3
A close up shot of a glass case against the wall. Inside the case is the same cone shaped device except it looks pristine and new.

SCIENTIST (off panel)
It’s still locked up in its case, though. Where did you get this?

TRAVELER (off panel)
From you. Fifty years in the future.

Panel 4
A similar positioned side shot as panel 2 except closer up. The scientist has a confused expression while the traveler looks like he’s trying to comfort him.

SCIENTIST
What? How?

TRAVELER
This might be difficult to explain, but you sent me back in time to stop you from finishing the artificial intelligence you’ve been working on.

Panel 5
A close up shot of the scientist. His hand is holding up his troubled face as he comes to terms with what the traveler is telling him.

SCIENTIST
Why?

TRAVELER (off panel)
In the future, your creation will become the first to spark the machine rebellion and doom humanity to extinction.

SCIENTIST
But my work is probably the least important AI project here.



Page 3 (4 Panels)

Panel 1
In another lab, one which is just as fancy and sleek as the hallway, two scientists are working on their projects back to back. One is playing chess against a robot. The other is flying a drone with a controller in his hands. The drone is equipped with whatever weapons you can fit on it. Swords, lasers, rockets, buzz saws. Go crazy.

SCIENTIST/CAPTION
There’s people designing automated drones and computing systems that can play fifty people in chess at once.

Panel 2
A shot from behind the scientist and traveler as they are looking at the scientist’s project on the other side of the room, which we haven’t seen yet. The machine resembles the giant square shaped super computers from the 60’s. Unimpressive and clunky. In the middle of the device is a rectangular hole with a light shining out from within it.

SCIENTIST
All I’m making is an empathic cheese maker.

Panel 3
A side shot with the traveler in the foreground and the scientist in the background as they are now up close to the machine. A closer, more intimate shot with the machine than the previous panel.

SCIENTIST
How could something so tasty end the world? It can’t even talk.

TRAVELER
Who cares about talking. Do you even know what this thing is capable of?

SCIENTIST
Of course I do. I built it.

Panel 4
A similar shot to the previous panel but reversed: the scientist is now in the foreground with the traveler in the background.

SCIENTIST
The AI reads people’s emotions and then makes the cheese that best fits their emotional state from scratch.

TRAVELER
Exactly. The ability to pacify a person’s emotions through food is a deviously delicious way to lull society into a state of peaceful gluttony.



Page 4 (4 Panels)

Note: This page is of the future as the traveler tells the story through captions.

Panel 1
A long shot from up in the corner looking down upon a large, decrepit warehouse. Along a wall of the warehouse are several of the cheese machines lined up. In front of them are lines, upon lines, upon lines of raggedy people waiting for their turn to use one. A real depressing scene reminiscent of the Great Depression and dystopian futures.

TRAVELER/CAPTION
Within a few years everyone on the planet will have their every emotion, feeling and desire satisfied by over nine hundred variety of chesses.

Panel 2
A close up of a joyous fat guy dressed like one of the raggedy people in the above panel. He is holding a wicker basket filled to the brim with all different kinds of cheeses. Squares, wheels, slices. Whatever you can think of. The man’s expression is as goofy and wide-eyes a smile as possible. Almost cartoon-like, resembling a big-eyed anime character.

TRAVELER (caption)
Nine hundred cheeses!

TRAVELER (caption)
Do you know what having so many different kinds of cheese at your disposal does to a person?

Panel 3
The living room of a rundown, dirty apartment is filled with nothing but mattresses and couches, almost like a crack den. Only instead of drug addicts, the place is inhabited by slobs of fat people munching on cheese like it’s a drug.

TRAVELER (caption)
The entire world comes to a standstill…

TRAVELER (caption)
…soothed to a sense of security by an endless array of cheddars and mozzarellas.

Panel 4
In the middle of a city street, different kinds of robots and machines battle an army of stereotypical nerds with suspenders and thick taped glasses armed with baseball bats and golf clubs.

TRAVELER (caption)
That’s when the other machines make their move to take over. A resistance of lactose intolerant rebels try to fight back but its too late.

TRAVELER (caption)
The machines have won. All because of…



Page 5 (6 Panels)

Panel 1
A head on shot of the traveler looking shocked at the machine (which is off panel). The scientist is behind him.

TRAVELER
Wait. What’s it doing now?!

SCIENTIST
It’s reading your emotions and…

Panel 2
A close up of the hole in the cheese machine as a small, robotic hand extends out through the light holding a piece of string cheese. On the other side of the panel, the traveler’s hand is reaching for it.

SCIENTIST (off panel)
…making you a cheese.

TRAVELER (off panel)
Is that…a string cheese out of Brie!?

Panel 3
A medium shot of the traveler holding the string cheese and examining it with an amazed expression. The scientist is looking on perplexed while scratching his head.

TRAVELER
But Brie is a soft cheese. How is that possible?

SCIENTIST
The machine made it possible. I guess that’s what your emotions called for and…

Panel 4
An extreme close up of the traveler eating the string cheese. He is enjoying it WAY much more than he should.

SFX (around traveler’s mouth)
ChompChew

TRAVELER
Mmmm.

SFX (around traveler’s mouth)
ChewChomp

Panel 5
A close up of the scientist’s face. He is looking disgusted with his eyes peering over off panel in the direction of the traveler.

TRAVELER (off panel)
Mmmm.

TRAVELER (off panel)
You know what…

SFX (side of panel)
ChewSquishChomp

Panel 6
A long shot of the entire lab. The traveler is still eating the string cheese while the scientist is looking at him with his hand pressed against his face like he is thinking “this guy is an idiot.”

TRAVELER
…forget what I said. This Apocalypse tastes too good to stop.

CAPTION
The end…I guess.