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magik1989
12-28-2014, 07:18 PM
im writing a comic book and id like to get some input on just the style and if the format looks presentable and what not. as listed this is the Page 4, from the 1st issue. this is the 1st meeting of who's going to be the two main heros in the story


pg FOUR

Panel 1: A view of the stranger’s driver holding an umbrella and opening the door of a very classy, expensive style town car, for him. He has a smirk on his face as he calls out to Gary. His left hand atop the roof of the car, And his right hand out towards Gary(who is not seen) in a "suit yourself" fashion.

Cael: If you like walking in the rain, then I def. understand. *Jedem das Seine*
Gary(off page): Okay, 1515 Dable Ave, but no creep business. I don't roll like that.

* To each his own in german*

Panel 2: inside of the strangers luxury car. The seats are leather the windows are tinted. There is a middle console area that has a bottle of Champagne on ice. The stranger has his jacket across his lap, and a well tailored penn striped suit on underneath. In his hand is a glass of Champagne. The stranger is looking at Gary and Gary is looking away from the stranger and more so at the inside of the car.

Gary: Soo..wow!, you must be a baller. This model hasn't even been released. This had to cost you some good money.
Cael: I don't play basketball..
Gary (confused): ... I
Cael : It was a joke..., but yeah I guess you could call me that. My family owns a oil company, Manstein Oil, I'm Cael Manstein Jr.
Gary: Yeah I know who your family is. Immigrants who made it big. American Dream! Your also the reason gas is so damn high.
Cael: Haha funny... What's your name?

Panel 3: the view of Cael and Gary has zoomed out , now the driver is visible driving the car with one hand.. The driver is looking up as if he's looking into the rear view mirror, He's eavesdropping of the conversation.

Gary: None of your damn business, you want my social security next? Around here we don't trust white people.
Cael: hmph, you're sure a private man
Gary: Ja, Jedem das Seine
Driver: we've arrived at the destination.

Panel 4: this is a small panel of Gary getting out of the car. It's, focus is similar to the first car scene, with the driver not in view. Only the back seat is in sight

Cael: It was a pleasure.
Gary: Uhh, My name is Gary, and uh thanks for realizing im a Man



Panel 5: Same setup as the previous panel, but now the door is shutting(SFX).Cael is looking towards the door, with an intrigued look on his face. It's apparent that this young man has interested him.
SFX:SLAM!
Cael: That was a very intelligent young man.
Driver(off page): Indeed. Remind you of someone you know?


Panel 6: A headshot of Cael, with a serious face. Not angry but as if he's hit the switch from calm and content to concerned and determined.

Driver(off page): Shall we head to the cove?
Cael: Yes, Ranger.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-08-2015, 07:06 AM
input

im writing a comic book and id like to get some input on just the style and if the format looks presentable and what not. as listed this is the Page 4, from the 1st issue. this is the 1st meeting of who's going to be the two main heros in the story


pg FOUR (It’s not wrong typing “pg,” but, just to be safe and appear more consistent, I’d recommend “PAGE”.)

Panel 1: A view of the stranger’s driver holding an umbrella and opening the door of a very classy, expensive style town car (help the artist by giving them a make / model / reference photo), for him. He (if “he” = the stranger, be aware you haven’t changed the subject. The last person who was the subject was the driver. If “he” = the driver, be aware you have one hand holding an umbrella, one hand holding the door open, one hand on the roof and one hand gesturing. Does he have 4 arms?) has a smirk on his face as he calls out to Gary. His left hand atop the roof of the car, And (and) his right hand out towards Gary(who is not seen) in a "suit yourself" fashion.

Cael (If Cael is the stranger or the driver, then ALWAYS use the same term throughout the script. You don’t want to confuse the artist.): If you like walking in the rain, then I def. understand. *Jedem das Seine*
Gary(off page): Okay, 1515 Dable Ave, but no creep(y?) business. I don't roll like that.
(Format-wise, either put the dialogue on a separate line from the tag, or indent – never use tab – the dialogue from the tag.)
CAPTION:
* To each his own in german* ("German". Don’t put every word of dialogue in bold. If you want SOME words to be emphasised, underline them.)

Panel 2: inside of the strangers (apostrophe) luxury car. The seats are leather the windows are tinted. There is a middle console area that has a bottle of Champagne on ice. The stranger has his jacket across his lap, and a well tailored penn (pin) striped suit on underneath. In his hand is a glass of Champagne. The stranger is looking at Gary and Gary is looking away from the stranger and more so at the inside of the car.

Gary: Soo..wow!, you must be a baller. This model hasn't even been released. This had to cost you some good money.
Cael: I don't play basketball.. (Punctuation errors that need to be fixed.)
Gary (confused) (Moving panel.): ... I
Cael : It was a joke..., but yeah I guess you could call me that. My family owns a (grammar error?) oil company, Manstein Oil, I'm Cael Manstein Jr.
Gary: Yeah I know who your family is. Immigrants who made it big. American Dream! Your (Grammar error) also the reason gas is so damn high.
Cael: Haha funny (Punctuation) ... What's your name? (Too much dialogue in this panel. Common wisdom recommends 3 part dialogue: Speech -> Reply -> Counter Reply. You have 6 part dialogue.)

Panel 3: the view of Cael and Gary has zoomed out , now the driver is visible driving the car with one hand.. The driver is looking up as if he's looking into the rear view mirror, He's eavesdropping of (on. And punctuation.) the conversation.

Gary: None of your damn business, you want my social security next? Around here we don't trust white people.
Cael: hmph, you're sure a private man (Punctuation. Also, read this line aloud. Does it seem natural?)
Gary: Ja, Jedem das Seine
Driver: we've arrived at the destination.

Panel 4: this is a small panel of Gary getting out of the car. It's, (Punctuation and grammar error) focus is similar to the first car scene, (avoid! Copy and paste the original description here and mention how it should be similar-yet-different. The artist shouldn’t have to refer back.) with the driver not in view. Only the back seat is in sight

Cael: It was a pleasure.
Gary: Uhh, My name is Gary, and uh thanks for realizing im a Man (Punctaution. Grammar on “im”. Capital M?)



Panel 5: Same setup as the previous panel, (…) but now the door is shutting(SFX).Cael is looking towards the door, with an intrigued look on his face. It's apparent that this young man has interested him.
SFX:SLAM!
Cael: That was a very intelligent young man.
Driver(off page): Indeed. Remind you of someone you know?


Panel 6: A headshot of Cael, with a serious face. Not angry but as if he's hit the switch from calm and content to concerned and determined. (Moving panel.)

Driver(off page): Shall we head to the cove?
Cael: Yes, Ranger.

Hope this helped.

magik1989
01-13-2015, 05:59 PM
that's awesome thank you i appreciate that. Other than that did the story flow appropriately. i know its hard going off the fact that you dont know what the story is truly about but just from what was read?

SamRoads
01-13-2015, 06:05 PM
Hi Magik. As a writer, grammar and punctuation are as important to you as perspective and anatomy are to an artist. It's relatively easy to learn these things, and if you do, you'll find it considerably easier to get successful collaboration.

Kiyoko, Rin
01-14-2015, 06:52 AM
I can follow the story on a basic level. Gary’s suspicious of Cael / the Stranger and his creep business intentions but hitches a ride with him to get out of the rain. We learn Gary can’t afford the things Cael / the stranger can, that Cael / the stranger has lots of money and why. You’ve set up that Cael is Interested in Gary, maybe too interested, possibly because Gary seems familiar to him – something I’m sure will be built on later.

I’m confused as to Gary’s ethnicity – he says “we don’t trust white people” which tells me he’s not white, but if I read a name like “Gary” from a character who speaks German I don’t automatically think of an ethnic minority. And Germans, for that matter, are not one of the immigrant communities who I picture as struggling in America.

Some terms had me confused - baller, realizing im a Man – and I assume the cove and Ranger are superhero terms a la batcave and Batman?

The actual sequence of events and the progression of panels was easy to follow, although the conversation didn’t seem to last long enough to warrant Gary hitching a ride. You probably need more panels in there or one silent panel so we know that enough time has passed.

And you should probably end Gary's first speech in panel 2 with "baller" so it doesn't seem Cael is replying to "good money."

EDIT: a thought just occurred. Gary doesn't speak German, he either telepathically or emphatically inferred the phrase / meaning from Cael, which is why Gary was later described as very intelligent (and not just "well informed") by Cael.

Schuyler
01-14-2015, 10:47 AM
Some terms had me confused - baller, realizing im a Man – and I assume the cove and Ranger are superhero terms a la batcave and Batman?

Baller- a money making party machine, Sometimes referencing drug money. I.E. "In Austin Texas we ball, ya'll, in Austin Texas we ball."

I don't know the other ones, Rin. But, baller is an American gangster term. I am pretty sure Gary is Black American, not sure why he speaks in German.

You see, Rin, we are not so different, you and I.

-Sky

Kiyoko, Rin
01-14-2015, 12:09 PM
Baller- a money making party machine, Sometimes referencing drug money. I.E. "In Austin Texas we ball, ya'll, in Austin Texas we ball."

I don't know the other ones, Rin. But, baller is an American gangster term. I am pretty sure Gary is Black American, not sure why he speaks in German.

You see, Rin, we are not so different, you and I.

-Sky

Ah, thanks for that. For a skull that's been around since the Doges, you're surprisingly down with it (if that expression still exists. If that expression EVER existed.) Is there any connection between baller and basketball other than the four common letters?

And what did YOU think of magik's story flow, formatting, style and understandability? Magik needs your input!

Schuyler
01-14-2015, 04:23 PM
Is there any connection between baller and basketball other than the four common letters?

Not that I am aware of. I am pretty sure that is the joke. The young black guy uses some slang and the white guy doesn’t get it or takes it literally.

And what did YOU think of magik's story flow, formatting, style and understandability? Magik needs your input!

So, my nemesis calls me out for entering a thread and not commenting on its subject! O, I am ensnared again in your diabolical web! Your ability to hold me accountable for my actions! Blast You!

I thought your critique was very well done. You hit all the points I wanted to make and more.

Here are some thoughts, though…

Hi Magik. As a writer, grammar and punctuation are as important to you as perspective and anatomy are to an artist. It's relatively easy to learn these things, and if you do, you'll find it considerably easier to get successful collaboration.

Sam is a really smart dude, and I think his advice is important.

I realize, if you read between the lines, he is saying “I am not going to read your script until punctuation and grammar have improved.” But...

Here is the weird thing, Magik. You capitalize stuff that you are not supposed to, like after a comma. But in your post before the actual script, you failed to capitalize anything except the word “page”, which didn’t need to be capitalized. I realize that is not part of your script, but it is the first thing we read when we enter this thread. It does not bode well.

That being said, the script does not read that bad. More attention was paid to punctuation and grammar.

Now down to the script.

Panel 1: A view of the stranger’s driver holding an umbrella and opening the door of a very classy, expensive style town car, for him. He has a smirk on his face as he calls out to Gary. His left hand atop the roof of the car, And his right hand out towards Gary(who is not seen) in a "suit yourself" fashion.

As Rin said the word "he" needs to be changed to the character’s name. I get it though. But I don’t understand Cael’s body language or position in the panel. Is he standing outside the car?

Panel 2: inside of the strangers luxury car. The seats are leather the windows are tinted. There is a middle console area that has a bottle of Champagne on ice. The stranger has his jacket across his lap, and a well tailored penn striped suit on underneath. In his hand is a glass of Champagne. The stranger is looking at Gary and Gary is looking away from the stranger and more so at the inside of the car.

Capitalize the first letter of the first sentence. A pin striped suit includes the jacket. It is really just the jacket and pants that make the actual suit. Now you could have a matching vest, but you would really have to say that if you want the artist to include it.

Gary: None of your damn business, you want my social security next? Around here we don't trust white people.

I like this dialogue but you did miss the chance to give the reader Gary’s name. Now, I don’t know what happens on page 1-3. I might put a comma after "Around here".

Gary: Uhh, My name is Gary, and uh thanks for realizing im a Man

I think you should say, “Thanks for realizing I’m a person.” Unless, that is not what you meant. There is no ending punctuation on this sentence. There is no apostrophe between I and M. And I do not think there is a reason for Man to be capitalized. Unless, there is something you have not explained to us.

It is hard to judge a story on one page, and the fourth page at that. It is somewhat interesting but without knowing how pages one through three looked it is hard to say.

I hope this helps.

-Sky

SamRoads
01-14-2015, 05:48 PM
Bad punctuation sends a message that says:

"I'M NOT SERIOUS ABOUT WRITING."

Except this font isn't big enough to express how loudly it shouts that message.

gmartyt
01-15-2015, 01:31 AM
This page reads very fast, as in only a small amount of time seems to pass in the actual comic. This is partially because there is so much back-and-forth dialogue in the panels.

The car is only moving for 3 panels. Based on the dialogue (and how fast it reads), it makes it seem like Gary is in the car for maybe 2 minutes. Maybe. How far could they have actually gone? Would it even be worth it for Gary to get in the car? Speaking of which, it seems strange that Gary would get in the car considering he didn't trust Cael enough to give him his name.

Hop this helps.