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johnjohn
12-20-2014, 05:19 PM
I've written a lot of other stuff, but never a comic script.

A while ago I posted three pages of a comic idea I had that was a lot of fun to draw, so I decided to expand it to a full book.

This is a three page excerpt of that:

__________________________________________________ ____

Page 1

Panel 1 : (caption) "Artists like to believe they control the tools they use, that their creativity shapes the images created with the tools and mediums at their disposal."
(image) An artists desk with supplies

Panel 2 : (caption) "But what if the materials had a spirit and life of their own that we don't always see?"
(image) Artist's desk with a focus on a bottle of ink

Page 2

*Layout note - page back ground is image of artists desk, panels are inset with a free floating look

Panel 1: (image) Ink bottle starts to shake

Panel 2: (image) A pair of hands starts to emerge from the ink bottle

Panel 3: (image) A small ink character emerges from the bottle
(sfx) "Pop"

Page 3

Panel 1: (caption) "Would it be magic, or perhaps residual creative energy giving the mediums life?"
(image) ink person climbing out of bottle

Panel 2: (caption) "What would these animated forms be like? Would they be kind, curious, mischievous?"
(image) ink person stand on top of bottle looking around

Panel 3: (image) ink person slipping and falling backwards off the bottle
(caption at bottom) "Or perhaps they're completely spastic."

Panel 4: (sfx) 'Thud' 'splat'

__________________________________________________

Any pointers to tighten it up or improve the overall quality would be greatly appreciated.

Going to go ahead and do the whole book, with no clue of what I'm going to do with it after, but at least it's fun to draw.

Steven Forbes
12-20-2014, 09:30 PM
Okay, folks.

It's pitchforks and torches time. However, be as gentle as possible.

I don't care who does which. Just please no overlapping, and please only take a single page each.

johnjohn
12-20-2014, 09:41 PM
Just be gentle, it's my first time.


And I may require a cuddle after.

gmartyt
12-21-2014, 04:46 AM
I guess I'll take page 1.

First off, the format. While there is no official format, your script should look something like this:

PAGE ONE(put the number of panels here)

Panel 1. This is where your panel description goes.

CHARACTER:
Dialogue goes here.

CAPTION(if it's a character saying this, put who it is here):
Captions are written the same way as dialogue. "If a character is speaking, use quotation marks."

SFX:
Sound effects are written the same. Put everything in the order you want it to be seen in the panel.

Moving on.

Page 1

Panel 1 : (caption) As soon as I saw this I assumed that this was just a blank panel. This is why you use the proper format."Artists like to believe they control the tools they use, that their creativity shapes the images created with the tools and mediums at their disposal."
(image) An artist(')s desk with supplies(.) What's the lighting? Where is the camera placed? What does the desk look like? What kind of supplies? What does the room look like? This is too vague.

Panel 2 : (caption) "But what if the materials had a spirit and life of their own that we don't always see?"
(image) Artist's desk with a focus on a bottle of ink(.) Where did this bottle of ink come from? This should have been in the first panel.

Having only two panels means a reader is going to finish get through this page very quickly. Probably in a single glance. On top of that, the only action on the page is the zooming in of the camera. In other words, nothing happens. Probably not the best way to start a comic.

Hope this helps.

Steven Forbes
12-21-2014, 06:25 AM
So, since someone else besides me has gone first, I'm going to make some very general notes. Extremely general.

Learn. Your. Craft.

I saw that first panel, and I totally nearly lost my entire mind. It was a very near thing.

Here's what I hate: new writers who don't do any research at all on anything related to at least trying to write a comic. It pisses me off to no end, because there's acres of pages and trillions of words dedicated to just how to write comics, and not one of them were consulted. And then, they want critiques on their "work."

Yes, there's a first time for everyone. I get that. But this is no longer the 90's. There are books and sites and people standing on street corners giving advice on how to write comics. At least do some of your own research before trying to show your work to others, asking for feedback.

My feedback is simple. Learn your craft. Then after you learn a thing or two, you're going to be embarassed with this attempt.

Comixtribe has a plethora of information on creating comics. It's a good place to start.

Now, on to our regularly scheduled program.

johnjohn
12-21-2014, 11:25 AM
I totally nearly lost my entire mind. It was a very near thing.


It's beside the couch.

Okay, see if I'm reading this right, main thing I'm picking up is:

If you're thinking of doing a comic script for others to see, use proper structure and format. Don't show people your rough notes and expect them to understand what you're thinking.

- learn format
- don't assume

Got it.

Comics Commando
12-21-2014, 12:35 PM
Yeah, your format needs work. The caps with quotes: those are obviously a character narrating--so we need to know which character that is. As a letterer with 20+ years of deadliness under my belt, it would be my job to create a caption style particular to that character. If I don't know who he is [or if it's a different narrator on pages 5 thru 8] then I can't do that correctly.

I've written a comics script format guide that will straighten this all out for you. You can get it for free here:

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com/downloads.html



Kurt Hathaway
---------------------------------
Cartoon Balloons Studio
---------------------------------
Lettering • Logos • Pre-Press • Graphic Design • Video
for Print or Web • Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com

johnjohn
12-21-2014, 06:32 PM
Okay, so I've been going through some of the tutorials and picking up the details of what I've missed.
Quite a bit to take in at once as there's alot (:har:) of info to absorb.

The next step will be to cross reference some sample scripts to the info pages to illustrate what I've been reading.

In a few days I'll rewrite the three pages I have posted and then repost them for comparison to see what improvements I have made and what details I have missed.

All about improving.
The difference between a mistake and a f*&k up is that a f*& up is a mistake you didn't learn from.

Kiyoko, Rin
12-23-2014, 06:19 PM
Guess I'll take page 2, then.



Page 2

*Layout note - page back ground is image of artist(')s desk, panels are inset with a free floating look(.)

Panel 1: (image) Ink bottle starts to shake(.)

Panel 2: (image) A pair of hands starts to emerge from the ink bottle(.)

Panel 3: (image) A small ink character emerges from the bottle(.)
(sfx) "Pop"

As you're the artist who'll draw your written script, I won't prompt you for camera angles, as I assume you already have the visual in your head. Just be aware that if this script was passed to a 3rd party to draw, they'd need to know, and be aware that your phrasing could be construed by this third party as being moving panels - "starts to" could be inferred as having two time frames in one panel, the "before" when it wasn't moving / emerging, then the shot of it starting to move / emerge.

I would advise moving the shaking bottle to the end of page 1 - you'd have some "action" on that page, you'd have a hook and a reason to turn to page 2 to see what would happen, and so that you'd create a match between the picture and the copy (the word "life" and the moving, "alive" bottle).

I would also advise adding more panels / insets on this page, for three reasons: 1) there's no copy, other than a three letter sound effect (more on this on point 3), so gmartyt's point about this being a quick read still stands. You slow the reader down by adding panels and / or copy, and you do WANT to slow them down. 2) I'd like to see the ink creature either undoing the cap, oozing out from underneath it, or have a visual acknowledgement that the artist who owns the desk is so untidy that he / she leaves ink bottles uncapped. By visual acknowledgement, I mean, "make the rest of the room / desk really untidy." 3) "pop" is a plosive sound effect. It occurs when trapped air is released. When I picture how a liquid could make this sound, there has to be a bottleneck (literally), where the liquid goes from not-being-able-to-escape to just-escaped-with-the-air-rushing-past. So please show the bottleneck. Course, you could change the sound effect, but since I've now typed over a billion words here on the nature of "pop" then you better ink-lude it, boy!!!


PS - I'm hoping another Brit critiques page 3, because there's a word you used which is more taboo on this side of the pond. (Much like the word "fanny.")

PPS - how can this be your first post on comics? You've posted over 800 times - that's an average of once per day over two years!!

johnjohn
12-28-2014, 08:51 AM
Not first post,I said first attempt at a script.

Jamesvomit
01-24-2015, 02:50 PM
On Page 2 in Panel 3, you say the ink person emerges from the bottle. Making me think he is no longer inside it. Then in the next panel you say he is climbing out of the bottle. When you say "emerges from", did you mean like appears inside?

johnjohn
01-29-2015, 10:49 AM
I see what you're saying, what is happening isn't very clear with the wording I used.

zenbubble
02-02-2015, 02:45 AM
Page 2

*Layout note - page back ground is image of artists desk, panels are inset with a free floating look

Panel 1: (image) Ink bottle starts to shake

Panel 2: (image) A pair of hands starts to emerge from the ink bottle

Panel 3: (image) A small ink character emerges from the bottle
(sfx) "Pop"



Remember- you can't describe anything moving. A comic panel is a static image.

Panel 1: (image) An ink bottle. Motion lines around the neck of the bottle indicate that the bottle is shaking.

Panel 2: (image) The same ink bottle. A pair of hands are poking out of the neck of the bottle, up to the elbows.

Panel 3: (image) A small ink character is now out of the bottle, up to his waist. His hands are on the lip of the bottle, pulling himself out.
(sfx) "Pop"


And yeah, like gmartyt stated, one of the words on Page 3 Panel 3 will get you in a lot of trouble, either in the UK or Australia.

-Chris

johnjohn
02-02-2015, 02:58 AM
Spastic?

zenbubble
02-02-2015, 03:22 AM
That's the one.