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KenG
12-13-2014, 02:42 PM
Just a start of something I am hoping to get some feedback on.




Creator's Burden

Page One:
Panel 1: Front shot of Aria, a girl in her early teens riding a skateboard down a rundown city street. Her jeans are tight and ripped in places. She wears a flannel shirt over a black tank-top and her long black hair is tied in a ponytail. The buildings in the background should be shoddy and in disrepair. Graffiti, vagabonds, thugs, and vagrants should be in the shot as well. Only a few as it is early in the day. Aria should look focused, as if angry and attempting to ignore her surroundings. An old, ugly prostitute is gesturing to Aria. The woman is wearing a thick fur coat that goes to her waist. Below the waist is a garter set holding up worn stockings.

Prostitute:
Hey Aria! Tell yer sister ta come’n take her shift! I’m freezin’ my tits off out here!

CAP:
“Sunday was once a day of peace, reflection and rest.”

Panel 2: This is a shot of the front of an old row house. Stone steps lead up to wooden doors. There is a copper 6 on the door but scratched in the wood next to the number are two more 6’s.

Panel 3: Shot of the inside of the building foyer. Four thuggish men wait about the area. They are Chuck, Willie, Chubbs and Mikey. Chuck and Mikey are armed with pistols. Chubbs has a baseball bat and Willie holds a long knife. Chuck is the leader and wears a purple suit with a matching fedora. The other three appear to be strung out junkies.

CHUBBS:
I think she’s coming boss.

CAP:
“That was once upon a time.”

Panel 4: This panel is split by the exterior wall. We see Aria from the side, her hand on the door handle about to open it and on the other side of the wall, the thugs waiting for the door to open.

CAP:
“Now, the wicked never rest.”

Panel 5: Shot of Aria from the back. Her shoulders slumped in resignation of her fate. She is standing in front of the open door. Two menacing silhouettes stand directly in front of her and only their narrow eyes and smiles are visible.

CHUCK:
Hey there cutie pie.


Page Two:

Panel 1: Close up of Aria’s face. Tears run down her cheeks. Her eyes are narrow and her teeth are clenched in defiance. A small trickle of blood is streaming from her nose.

Panel 2: Willie’s large, dirty hand is slapping Aria’s cheek. The force of it is turning her head to the side, sending blood and spit into the air.

CAP:
“The wicked always find the weak.”

Panel 3: Aria’s face and shoulders are in the foreground. Her eyes are closed, though her teeth are still clenched in rage. There is a large, recently formed cut below her eye. Willie looks down on her in the background.

WILLIE:
Chuck asked you a question, ya lil’ bitch. Where is that ho sister of yours?


Page Three:
Panel 1: Small panel close up of Aria’s hand slipping a small, folded knife out of her pocket.

Panel 2: Shot of Aria from behind. She is kneeling and is holding the knife behind her back. All four of the thugs are in the background. Chuck looks at her with an eyebrow cocked.

CAP:
“Sometimes the victims give as good as they get.”

Panel 3: Waist up shot of Aria. Her eyes are swollen and narrow. She is screaming and lunging with the knife out and unfolded.

SFX:
Click

ARIA:
Go fuck yourself needle dick!

Panel 4: Aria has the knife by the handle. Its blade buried to the hilt into Willie’s upper thigh.

SFX:
AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!

Panel 5: Close up of Willie’s face. His mouth is wide in a scream of pain and his bloodshot eyes are bulging.

WILLIE:
You little whore!

Page four: (This page will be overlaid with words; Whore, Slut, Bitch. They will be faded and we should see the panels through them)
Panel 1: Full body shot of Aria running down the street. Her face is bloodied and swollen. She is crying and still holds the knife. Behind her, the thugs are in the door shouting. There is a good distance between her and them.

Panel 2: Shot of Aria’s face. Her eyes are closed and the rage on her mouth is gone. A large, gaudy women's handbag is striking the back of her head.

SFX:
WHACK!

Panel 3: Shot through Aria’s eyes. The blurry figure of the prostitute from page one stands over her, clutching the handbag at her side.

CAP:
“The wicked always seem to have backup.”

PROSTITUE:
I got her for ya Chuck! I got her!

Panel 4: This is a blurry shot through Aria’s eyes. The shoulders and heads of the four thugs are looking down on her. The purple fedora Chuck wears takes up a good portion of the image.

Page 5:
Panel 1: Aria sits, leaning against a dumpster in a dark, dirty alley. The light from alley’s front is shining on her. Her knees are propped up in front of her and she rests her head in her hands. One eye is swollen shut. In the foreground is a blurry, purple sleeved hand holding a pistol.

CAP:
“But it is Sunday.”

CHUCK:
I sent Willie n’ Chubs to collect my money from your sister, but--

Panel 2: Shot of Willie and Chubbs from mid torso up. They have nervous looks on they are glancing at each other.

CHUCK:
they called me an’ said she wasn’t there.

Panel 3: Chuck is squatting in front of Aria now, the hand holding the gun resting casually across his knee. Aria is peering from over her knees at him, fear in her eyes.

CAP:
“Today, I will not let the weak be turned into prey.”

CHUCK:
She said she’d be there. So, your big sis lied ta me hmm?

Panel 4: Side view of Chuck and Aria’s faces. The gun barrel is under her chin and tears are streaming down her face. Chuck’s face is calm. His mouth is open as he speaks.

CHUCK:
So now, I have ta get my own hands dirty. That’s just not how it--

Panel 5: Shot of the alley, most of the light is cut off now. In the dark portion of the panel, Chubbs’ and Willie’s eyes are seen in the darkness, wide with fear. Chuck’s face is visible, though the shadow covers most of his body. His eyes are wide with surprise and his mouth hangs open.

CAP:
“Today, the weak will have backup.”

MICHAEL:
Step away from the girl!


Page 6:
This is a full page panel. Michael stands in the alleyway. She is wearing blue SWAT pants, black combat boots and a plain white t-shirt. The straps of her empty gun holster are around her shoulders. A golden badge is clipped to her belt and she holds her gun. Her skin is olive and her hair is a glittery white. Crystal blue eyes stare out from a calm and beautiful face. Bluish, runic tattoos line her bare arms. The most striking and surprising feature are the large, feathered, gray wings protruding from her back.

MICHAEL:
Metro PD! Drop the guns now!


Page 7:
Panel 1: Back shot of Michael in the foreground. She is facing Chuck who has regained his composure. Aria lay in a heap behind him.

CHUCK:
Cops have no say in this hood. Especially cops with wings. The Fallen run things ‘round here.

CAP:
“The Fallen.”

Panel 2: Chubbs is lunging with his baseball bat raised. His face contorted in insane rage.

CHUBBS:
DIE BITCH!

Panel 3: Michael holds the bat in her free hand. The other hand is smashing Chubbs’ nose with the butt of her pistol. Blood is exploding everywhere from his shattered face.

SFX:
THUD!

CAP:
“They were angels once.”

Panel 4: Close up of Willie’s face. He is spitting his bloody teeth out as the bat impacts his jaw. This is reminiscent of the impact on Aria’s face earlier.

CAP:
“Their wings burned off now.”

Panel 5: Michael is looking over her shoulder as Mikey heads for the ally’s exit. He is a good distance away.


Page Eight:
Panel 1: Chuck is holding Aria around the neck. The barrel of the gun leveled directly at her temple. A blank look is over Aria’s tear and blood streaked face. A look of pure, sadistic madness is on Chuck’s. His eyes have now become demonic. The pupils are slits and the irises are red and yellow.

CAP:
“They twist all they touch to evil and madness.”

CHUCK:
One more move Angel and this little cun--

Panel 2: Close up of Michael’s gun. The muzzle of the weapon is flashing.

SFX:
BANG!
BANG!

Panel 3: Back shot of Mikey at the end of the alley. He is on his stomach, a trickle of smoke coming from the bullet hole in his head. A black pool of blood is forming below him.

CAP:
“Madness and death.”

Panel 4: Aria’s eyes are closed and her teeth are clenched. Chuck is being jerked back, blood, bone and brains exploding from the back of his head.

Panel 5: Aria is looking up. Crying freely. The tears are cutting paths through the blood on her face. In the foreground is the angel’s hand, its palm up and open.

MICHAEL:
Come on. I’ll get you home.

gmartyt
12-14-2014, 04:19 AM
Characters should always be referred to by name in panel descriptions. For example, on page 1, panel 1, you should refer to Aria by name.

Speaking of page 1, panel 1, you don't describe what Aria looks like. You do this well enough with Chuck and Michael, but not Aria.

You need to find a way to differentiate between the thugs. As it is, it's hard to tell which is which. Again, you later refer to two of them by name in the dialogue. Use their names in the panel descriptions.

Another formatting issue is the use of ellipses. Ellipses are used when a person trails off when talking. When someone is interrupted, you should be using two dashes (--) (I forget what they're called).

Your pacing seems a little off. For example, the jump between the first two panels on page 2 is a little jarring. I'd consider moving the first panel onto the previous page. Not only does it make for a smoother transition, but it also serves as a decent hook to make the reader want to turn the page.

Some of the sound effects don't sound quite right. Things like "boom" and "thud" are fine, but I'm having a hard time hearing "shlurp" as a stabbing sound. In most cases, if can't think of a good way to describe the sound, you're better off not having a sound effect.

The dialogue is mostly fine, but having Chuck line on page 7, panel 1 is a little unnatural sounding. Also, page 5, Chuck says he sent the thugs, but then says that they called.

And then there's the captions. Firstly, if you're going to be having captions carry over from one panel to another, then the panels should be one after the other. In most cases, I'd read a caption, keep reading, get to the next one a few panels later and have to go back to figure out what it was talking about. Secondly, and this may just be me, but most of the captions are unnecessary. All they do is wax poetic about what is going on in the art. This takes the reader (me) out of the moment. Again, this may just be me.

Lastly (I promise), it seemed a little strange that Chuck was going to kill Aria when he couldn't find her sister despite not doing so after she stabbed one of his thugs.

Overall it seems like you have a decent idea of where you want this story to go. Keep at it.

KenG
12-14-2014, 01:29 PM
Thanks for the feedback! I did some edits based on most of your suggestions. I did not remove the captions, just reworked them some. Though I understand what you mean and would agree, this is just a tidbit of a much larger script and the captions help the flow in the long run.

Thanks again so much though. It was great feedback and if you read it again, with the edits I would love to hear anything you think I could "fine tune" so to speak at this point.

SamRoads
12-14-2014, 05:25 PM
You apostrophised your's, as in "Where is that ho sister of your’s?"

Artists need to be good at perspective and anatomy. Writers need to be good at grammar and punctuation. It's not too hard to get right and until you do, you'll find doors closed to you that otherwise might have remained open. :)

Good luck!

KenG
12-14-2014, 05:52 PM
You apostrophised your's, as in "Where is that ho sister of your’s?"

Artists need to be good at perspective and anatomy. Writers need to be good at grammar and punctuation. It's not too hard to get right and until you do, you'll find doors closed to you that otherwise might have remained open. :)

Good luck!


Fixed. Thanks. I can't believe I missed that. Lol

gmartyt
12-15-2014, 02:12 AM
If the captions contain dialogue spoken by a character then there should be quotation marks. Otherwise this is definitely an improvement.

Something I forgot to mention before, but you seem to have some issues with punctuation. Missing commas, commas where they aren't needed, periods where there should be commas and commas where there should be periods. This is the kind of thing that has to get fixed. Reading through it again should eventually fix most of these mistakes.

After thinking about it some more, Aria's initial reaction to Chuck seems strange. She reluctantly accepts what's going to happen at first only to show angry defiance in the very next panel. Those usually happen the other way around. Just something to think about.

Also, some of this could be considered padding, depending on what you're trying to do. If your trying to give us insight into Aria's situation, then this works fine. However, if this is just a way to introduce Michael, then a lot of this is unnecessary. You only have so many pages and panels to work with. Don't waste them. Again, just something to think about.

KenG
12-15-2014, 08:56 AM
Thanks Gmartyt. I went ahead and did a full sweep this time. I should have most of the punctuation fixed now. I shortened some of the sentences that were over long and I put the captions in quotation marks. It is Michael doing the narration so thanks for that. Should I put her name somewhere near the captions so an artist will know it is her?

As far as what I am doing; Aria is the main character, so yes it is for insight. I have only posted the first eight pages of a very long script here mainly so that I could learn more about the flow and find flaws in my editing that I needed to pay better attention to.

For her initial reaction; That would be explained better in a few more pages. Again, I am just trying to find my basic flaws for editing and format though. I feel guilty because you have given me so much advice but I have you on a cliffhanger of an ending. ;)

Thanks again. If you see anything else, let me know please! I am thick skinned and can take and learn from critique.

Comics Commando
12-21-2014, 12:42 PM
I have a free script format guide that covers a lot of the format intricacies like punctuation and whatnot. You have captions with quotes---but you don't tell us who's narrating. This is confusing to your reader. This is also covered in the guide.

Get it here:

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com/downloads.html


Kurt Hathaway
---------------------------------
Cartoon Balloons Studio
---------------------------------
Lettering • Logos • Pre-Press • Graphic Design • Video
for Print or Web • Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com

KenG
12-22-2014, 01:03 PM
I have a free script format guide that covers a lot of the format intricacies like punctuation and whatnot. You have captions with quotes---but you don't tell us who's narrating. This is confusing to your reader. This is also covered in the guide.

Get it here:

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com/downloads.html


Kurt Hathaway
---------------------------------
Cartoon Balloons Studio
---------------------------------
Lettering • Logos • Pre-Press • Graphic Design • Video
for Print or Web • Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

http://www.cartoon-balloons.com



Thanks. I'm checking it out now. I was wondering about that with the captions. I think I asked about it in an earlier post. So thanks for that. The camera terms look like they will be a big help as well.