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AmitMosheOren
11-22-2014, 01:49 PM
Warmest Winters
Written by Amit Moshe Oren.

PAGE 1 (3 panels)

PANEL 1
Day time. An establishing shot of a lonely wooden house in the middle of a glade. Winter is taking place. The snow is everywhere. The firs and pines, the rooftop, and the ground are all covered in the white snow. Smoke is coming out of the chimney, and we can see that the lights from inside the house are on. In the yard near the house, there's a snowman with a gray scarf on. His name is Bob.

Caption
Third day of winter.

Caption (Bob)
It usually takes a while until someone builds me…

PANEL 2
A medium shot of the snowman. We can now see the snowman has two sticks as arms, two big black buttons as eyes, a carrot as a nose, and a line of coals as a mouth. However, he's not smiling. Just a straight line of coals.

Caption (Bob)
Great.

PANEL 3
Same shot. The snowman is now smiling.

Caption (Bob)
I'll have more time to look.

PAGE 2 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
The snowman is now walking on a tiny, isolated trail in a tangled forest. An owl that's sitting on a tree behind Bob is watching the walking snowman from above.

Caption
Thirteenth day of winter.

Caption (Bob)
I'm going to find you this year.
I'm sure of it.

PANEL 2
A full shot of Bob and another male snowman. They chat with each other. In the background, we can see the forest Bob came from.

Caption
Twenty-fifth day of winter.

Caption (Bob)
I know I walk very slowly, but…

Bob
Excuse me, did you see a snow woman with a blue scarf?
Her name is Yuki…

Random Snowman
No, sorry, bud…
Didn't see anyone.

PANEL 3
Night time. Long shot. The moon is half full. Bob is walking in what seems to be a road. There's nothing on the horizon.

Caption
Fortieth night of winter.

Caption (Bob)
That's why I walk all day and all night for you.
Even if we'll be together for only one minute, it's all worth it.

PANEL 4
Day time. Medium shot. A teenager's body is half out of the car as he looks outside of the window, and points to the direction of something we can't see. He's sitting in the passenger seat. The teenager has a big goofy smile and a redden nose. The driver is not shown, though.

Caption
Forty-seventh day of winter.

Teenager
Hey, Drake!
Look at the snowman here…

PAGE 3 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Long profile shot. The car from the previous page is at the peak of hitting Bob. All of the snow from Bob flies in mid-air everywhere.

Caption (Teenager)
"Let's run him over!"

PANEL 2
Long shot. We now see the back of the car as they drive away.

Teenager (from inside the car)
Ha! Ha! Ha!
That was awesome!

PANEL 3
High angle. We look down on the two black buttons, the carrot and the line of coals that are scattered on the ground.

Caption
Sixty-fifth day of winter.

Caption (Bob)
Yuki… I'm sorry.
I'll try next year, too.

PANEL 4
Early in the morning. Same shot as panel 3 in page 2. We still see the residues of Bob on the ground from the previous panel, but now we can see a snow woman near the residues of Bob. Yuki's very close. This is how the snow woman should look like: Click Here. (The one to the right)

Caption
Eighty-ninth day of winter.

Yuki
Bob?

PAGE 4 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
Full profile shot. The first two parts of Bob are already standing. Yuki is standing next Bob. She rebuilds him.

Caption (Bob)
It's funny.

PANEL 2
Same shot. Now the body of Bob is full. We can see Yuki bends as she grabs Bob's nose off the ground.

Caption (Bob)
Funny how much I missed you.

PANEL 3
Same shot. Now the eyes and nose are in the right place. Yuki puts a first coal on Bob's face.

Caption (Bob)
Three winters passed, and we're finally meeting again.

PANEL 4
Same shot. We now see the completed Bob hugging Yuki.

No dialogue.

PAGE 5 (3 panels)

PANEL 1
Night time. Long shot. We see Bob and Yuki as they are lying down on the ground, and watching the stars.

Caption
Ninetieth night of winter.

PANEL 2
Early in the morning. Medium bird's eye view shot. We see Yuki and Bob still looking up at the skies smiling while holding hands. They start to melt down.

Caption (Bob)
I love you, Yuki.
I love you so much.

PANEL 3
Day time. Same shot. The winter is over, and spring is taking place now. We see now that all of Bob and all of Yuki are melted. The ground has now revealed grass, and the snow becomes water. The only thing that's left from Bob and Yuki is their stick arms still holding hands.

Caption
First day of spring.

Caption (Bob)
You make my winters the warmest ones.

The End.

SamRoads
11-22-2014, 10:35 PM
Pretty good! Nothing much to criticise. Nice one.

AmitMosheOren
11-23-2014, 12:58 PM
Pretty good! Nothing much to criticise. Nice one.

Wow. Nothing to criticise? Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm happy you liked my story.

SamRoads
11-23-2014, 04:43 PM
Aww shoot. OK. I'll get my micro-editor hat on.

* Lose any 'we see'. Try the sentence without it and I bet it sounds cleaner and cripser.

* I strongly recommend doing your dialogue in FULL CAPS just as it will be in a comic. This lets you spot any weirdness to do with mixed-case. It also gives you a better idea of how big any balloon will be. And it saves your letterer a job.

* You could define the joyrider car. And the scene it which it appears.

AmitMosheOren
11-24-2014, 09:49 AM
Aww shoot. OK. I'll get my micro-editor hat on.

* Lose any 'we see'. Try the sentence without it and I bet it sounds cleaner and cripser.

* I strongly recommend doing your dialogue in FULL CAPS just as it will be in a comic. This lets you spot any weirdness to do with mixed-case. It also gives you a better idea of how big any balloon will be. And it saves your letterer a job.

* You could define the joyrider car. And the scene it which it appears.

So, first of all thank you for taking your time and reading this again.

First, About the full caps thing... I read at TPG #202 that Liam Hayes said when writing dialogue in caps, it means the character is shouting, and from all the comic book scripts I got to read, (Scott Snyder's Court of Owls Vol. 1, and Jim Zub's Skullkickers #1 and Brad Meltzer's Identity Crisis) their dialogue were the same as mine.

Second, I didn't understand the final tip you give me... I'll be more than glad if you can explain more about this tip for me.

Thanks again, Sam :)

Captainwhizz
11-24-2014, 12:53 PM
The examples in http://www.comicbookscriptarchive.com/archive/the-scripts/ seem to go either way, but personally I would use all caps for dialogue, especially if it gets you on a letterer's good side.

SamRoads
11-24-2014, 11:23 PM
Hi Amit,

Sure thing. I don't think mixed case scripting is wrong, I just think it's unhelpful to you and to your letterer. Regarding you, it means you don't notice that This Capitalising won't matter when it comes to putting it in a balloon. And as a part time letterer, I can tell you that it doesn't make things easier if you have to retype all the text... ;)

The last bullet: Why not describe the joyrider car. I'm thinking a Mini like from the Italian Job, but you might be thinking of a big Hummer. Maybe a Trabant?

Why not describe the background to that panel too. Highway? Rocky track?

AmitMosheOren
11-25-2014, 08:33 AM
Hi Amit,

Sure thing. I don't think mixed case scripting is wrong, I just think it's unhelpful to you and to your letterer. Regarding you, it means you don't notice that This Capitalising won't matter when it comes to putting it in a balloon. And as a part time letterer, I can tell you that it doesn't make things easier if you have to retype all the text... ;)

The last bullet: Why not describe the joyrider car. I'm thinking a Mini like from the Italian Job, but you might be thinking of a big Hummer. Maybe a Trabant?

Why not describe the background to that panel too. Highway? Rocky track?

OK. Thank you very much for helping me :)

Schuyler
11-25-2014, 09:45 AM
Hi Amit,

Sure thing. I don't think mixed case scripting is wrong, I just think it's unhelpful to you and to your letterer. Regarding you, it means you don't notice that This Capitalising won't matter when it comes to putting it in a balloon. And as a part time letterer, I can tell you that it doesn't make things easier if you have to retype all the text... ;)

The last bullet: Why not describe the joyrider car. I'm thinking a Mini like from the Italian Job, but you might be thinking of a big Hummer. Maybe a Trabant?

Why not describe the background to that panel too. Highway? Rocky track?

You do not have to retype stuff in word. Grab the text and tell your machine to capitalize. Now I now you are not lettering in word, but I bet a lot of the scripts come to you in that program. Capitalize before you copy and paste.

Schuyler
11-25-2014, 11:20 AM
Hey Amit,

This is awesome. The only thing is that you wrote in an odd number of pages. It would be easier to book, if it was four pages long, and it could also go in your portfolio to show that you can write a good short. I think the panel count is low per page anyway. I know that you paced it out with the panels you have, but you could create a different reveal on page four. Page four could be the page where they die and it would have impact because we would have to turn the page to get there. Just a suggestion...

-Schuyler

AmitMosheOren
11-25-2014, 11:47 AM
Hey Amit,

This is awesome. The only thing is that you wrote in an odd number of pages. It would be easier to book, if it was four pages long, and it could also go in your portfolio to show that you can write a good short. I think the panel count is low per page anyway. I know that you paced it out with the panels you have, but you could create a different reveal on page four. Page four could be the page where they die and it would have impact because we would have to turn the page to get there. Just a suggestion...

-Schuyler

Hi :) I'm glad you think it's awesome.

I wrote in 5 pages because I posted the script for a contest, and the page limit was 5 pages, so I outlined the story to fit for 5 pages, and I believe it worked.

The panel count was low per page because I only wanted to show the panels that really matter and necessary for the story on this script, and I didn't choose to put a "Page turner" in page 4 because I got two "Page turners" already in page 2 and page 3, and another one after these two seemed too much for me.

Thanks for commenting, Schuyler.

Captainwhizz
11-25-2014, 07:15 PM
Slightly off-topic, but the last two posts are part of why I'm fast coming to love this place; opinions given politely, received politely, and with both sides making their (valid) points clearly.

Steven Forbes
11-25-2014, 08:53 PM
Heh...

Schuyler
11-26-2014, 11:54 AM
Hi :) I'm glad you think it's awesome.

I wrote in 5 pages because I posted the script for a contest, and the page limit was 5 pages, so I outlined the story to fit for 5 pages, and I believe it worked.

The panel count was low per page because I only wanted to show the panels that really matter and necessary for the story on this script, and I didn't choose to put a "Page turner" in page 4 because I got two "Page turners" already in page 2 and page 3, and another one after these two seemed too much for me.

Thanks for commenting, Schuyler.

Hey Amit,

Is this script intended for digital or printed release? The reason I ask is because you said page 3 was a page turn.

In the digital realm, all pages are page turns.

In the physical realm, even numbered pages are the turns. Meaning we turn the page and we are at an even page, our eyes just slide over to the odd page. No turning was necessary. In the physical realm, stories are written in even numbered pages. It is a physical limitation of the way books are created and the only way to fix it, is by adding filler, adds, concept art etc.

If you do not want to change your story, that is cool with me. But you also said the panel count was low because you "wanted to show the panels that really matter." I think that is what all writers are trying to do every time they write a script, or at least I hope.

Have you ever read an issue of Freakangel by Warren Ellis? You should grab one and check it out. Every page is four panels or less. It is the most boring layout I have ever seen.

Have you ever read The Dark Tower comic? It is a book with a super low panel count. It feels like nothing is ever happening but it looks amazing.

Why do you really want a low panel count?

Did you win the contest?

I think you are a smart guy and I like your script. Please, do not feel like I am ragging on you.

-Schuyler

AmitMosheOren
11-27-2014, 10:19 AM
Hey Amit,

Is this script intended for digital or printed release? The reason I ask is because you said page 3 was a page turn.

In the digital realm, all pages are page turns.

In the physical realm, even numbered pages are the turns. Meaning we turn the page and we are at an even page, our eyes just slide over to the odd page. No turning was necessary. In the physical realm, stories are written in even numbered pages. It is a physical limitation of the way books are created and the only way to fix it, is by adding filler, adds, concept art etc.

If you do not want to change your story, that is cool with me. But you also said the panel count was low because you "wanted to show the panels that really matter." I think that is what all writers are trying to do every time they write a script, or at least I hope.

Have you ever read an issue of Freakangel by Warren Ellis? You should grab one and check it out. Every page is four panels or less. It is the most boring layout I have ever seen.

Have you ever read The Dark Tower comic? It is a book with a super low panel count. It feels like nothing is ever happening but it looks amazing.

Why do you really want a low panel count?

Did you win the contest?

I think you are a smart guy and I like your script. Please, do not feel like I am ragging on you.

-Schuyler

Hi again.

First, The script was solely intended just for the writing contest. I never planned on something beyond that. This script is not going to change, but from now on I'm going to include your tips in mind when writing scripts. Thank you for the tips on this subject. I'm sure going to use them.

Also, after you told me to read Freakangel by Warren Ellis, I read some of it and it was actually pretty interesting and fun to read. I don't know. I guess I just thought more panels were unnecessary to the story and it didn't need any more. Can't decide which of us is more right hahaha.

The deadline for submitting the scripts is at December 8th, so I'll know if I won or not in the middle of the December.

Thanks again, and don't worry. I always appreciate critics. You're not ragging on me, but the opposite.

Schuyler
11-27-2014, 10:52 AM
Hi again.

First, The script was solely intended just for the writing contest. I never planned on something beyond that. This script is not going to change, but from now on I'm going to include your tips in mind when writing scripts. Thank you for the tips on this subject. I'm sure going to use them.

Also, after you told me to read Freakangel by Warren Ellis, I read some of it and it was actually pretty interesting and fun to read. I don't know. I guess I just thought more panels were unnecessary to the story and it didn't need any more. Can't decide which of us is more right hahaha.

The deadline for submitting the scripts is at December 8th, so I'll know if I won or not in the middle of the December.

Thanks again, and don't worry. I always appreciate critics. You're not ragging on me, but the opposite.

Awesome, Amit!

I was not demanding you change your script. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on some stuff.

I am glad you liked Freakangel. I love Warren Ellis, so I don't blame you.

It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is just about discourse. I told you why I wanted more panels and gave you an example. You have listened to me very politely and even looked at the sample I suggested. I appreciate you very much.

-Schuyler

SamRoads
11-27-2014, 04:27 PM
Freakangel was created for web, hence the very repetitive layout. I liked the story, but assume it would have read better offline if it had been designed for offline reading.

Watchmen is based on a 3x3 grid throughout most of it.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong. Except 8 panels. That's wrong. Very wrong. ;)

AmitMosheOren
11-30-2014, 09:27 AM
Awesome, Amit!

I was not demanding you change your script. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on some stuff.

I am glad you liked Freakangel. I love Warren Ellis, so I don't blame you.

It is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is just about discourse. I told you why I wanted more panels and gave you an example. You have listened to me very politely and even looked at the sample I suggested. I appreciate you very much.

-Schuyler

Freakangel was created for web, hence the very repetitive layout. I liked the story, but assume it would have read better offline if it had been designed for offline reading.

Watchmen is based on a 3x3 grid throughout most of it.

I don't think there's a right or a wrong. Except 8 panels. That's wrong. Very wrong. ;)

Thank you very much for your help :) I learned a lot from you.

AmitMosheOren
12-05-2014, 01:10 AM
Up.

Steven Forbes
12-05-2014, 08:49 AM
Nope.

This one has run its course.