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Schuyler
11-18-2014, 07:26 PM
Hey, everybody. I'm just trying to get some feedback on my script.

MYSTIKER ISSUE 2
Written by Schuyler Van Gunten-2014

CAST
Ngou- Ngouabi is an African man, around thirty years old. He is from the Kingdom of the Kongo. However he wears Spanish clothing. In a particular a large black cloak that shrouds his face in shadows. He has a rope belt with some small pouches that hang from it. He likes to wear natural colors. He has dark skin and a broad nose. He wears boots of some kind.

Vittoria- is a Venetian woman with green eyes and light brown hair. She is around thirty years old. She has a hooked nose but is otherwise stunningly beautiful. She is proud of her beauty and wears fine dresses. She also wears Spanish clothing. She likes to wear green. She wears green velvet slipper like shoes.


PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1. A city square in Venice with gallows set up in the center. Midday.

A large crowd is gathered around the gallows. Ngou rides through the crowd on horseback. He should stick out among the Venetian audience. There are three figures on the gallows in the distance. The executioner on the left ready to pull the lever that opens the trap door, with his right side to us. Vittoria stands in the center, facing us, wearing a Spanish dress that was once very nice, but now it is covered in mud. She wears a noose and stands on the trap door. A small hunched priest stands on the right reading from a proclamation in his hand. He has his left side to us. Beyond the gallows at the right edge of the square there is a large tower in its final stages of construction. It is St Mark's Campanile, the same tower portrayed in the image below.

PRIEST:
You have been charged with witchcraft. A crime against God and under Venetian law it is punishable by death. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piazza_San_Marco#mediaviewer/File:Piazza_San_Marco_with_the_Basilica,_by_Canale tto,_1730._Fogg_Art_Museum,_Cambridge.jpg

Panel 2. We can see the characters on the gallows closer now. The executioner is on the left with one arm on the lever but a lazy stance. Vittoria stands in the center with her eyes closed and a lack of expression. The priest on the right has his lips puckered and his forehead scrunched in a strange smile. He holds his hand high ready to signal the execution.

PRIEST:
Very well, may God hav--

NGOU (Big, op):
--Stop!

Panel 3. The crowd has begun to part for Ngou, as he rides through. We see Ngou from behind as he approaches the gallows.

NGOU (big):
I am a devil, and I have come for my wench!

Panel 4. The executioner has a panicked look, and he still has his hand on the lever, but he looks to the priest for direction. Vittoria’s eyebrows are raised and her eyes are wide in hope. The priest’s nostrils are flared and his mouth still puckered but now in a frown, and he is leaning forward as he gives the command.

PRIEST:
Now!

Panel 5. Just the executioners hand and the lever. He just pulled it. Motion lines show the movement.

SFX:
Caaachunk


Panel 6. We see the rope up close. It just went taut.

SFX:
Snaaap


PAGE TWO (four panels)

Panel 1. Ngou is galloping forward through the crowd towards us. His left hand on the reins and his right raised towards the gallows, glowing blue with smoky trails.

NO COPY

Panel 2. The noose is hanging but Vittoria was teleported away. In her place is a bluish mist that vaguely resembles her body.

NO COPY

Panel 3. Vittoria has her right side to us and she is behind Ngou on the horse, with a bluish mist trailing off her body. She holds Ngou’s back with her left hand and grasps at her throat with her right. Ngou is spinning his horse back to ride the other way. His horse’s hooves are in the air as he yanks the reins in a hard turn. Crowd members are blocking their faces, and bodies, in fear from the turning horse.

VITTORIA:
Oh, thank goodness!

NGOU:
We are not out of this yet, my love!

Panel 4. The priest stands on the gallows with eyes wide and nostrils flared, pointing off camera towards Ngou and Vittoria.

PRIEST:
Get them!


PAGE THREE (five panels)

Panel 1. Ngou and Vittoria ride through the streets with motion lines showing how fast they ride. Vittoria hugs Ngou’s waist and has her head pressed against his left shoulder, she has a small smile on her face. Behind them is a mob of angry citizens on foot. Vittoria and Ngou both have their right sides to us and to their left is a canal. Beyond that is a row of two story buildings with little to no space between them.

VITTORIA:
You said ‘I am a Devil’.

NGOU:
Was that not the right thing to say?

VITTORIA:
You should have said ‘I am the devil’.

Panel 2. We see them from behind as they approach the gates of Venice. The gates ahead have several guards all on foot. Two hold long spears ready for the charge of the horse.

NGOU:
Your people cannot possibly believe there is only one devil?

VITTORIA:
Where is the Old Ghost, Ngou? What about my eyes?

Panel 3. We see Ngou from the front as he holds his right hand up again. This time it glows green. His left hand clutches the reins. Vittoria is still holding his back but her face is hidden by his shoulder.

NGOU:
The Old Ghost and your eyes are very far away right now.

VITTORIA:
Why would my Old Ghost leave? With my eyes?

NGOU:
He is just a skull, Vittoria. I do not think he can control who picks him up.

Panel 4. A green cloud of gas erupted among the waiting soldiers. They are in coughing fits.

VITTORIA (op):
He has more control than you think.

NGOU (op):
Hold your breath for a moment.

Panel 5. We see Ngou and Vittoria from their right side as they ride though the smoke both tucked against the horse. Ngou’s mouth is puckered; he is blowing the green smoke as they ride through it. His exhalation is magical and it can be seen in lines pushing the green smoke away from him and his horse.

NGOU:
Wooooooh

SamRoads
11-19-2014, 08:40 AM
Hi Schuyler,

Formatting, panel descriptions both good. I'd recommend putting dialogue in CAPS as that's how it appears on the page, and it often reads very differently once you can't see the capitalisation. For example, you capitalised Old Ghost, but you can't do that.

The story has my interest.

I'd like to comprehend the magic better. I'm not sure who, what, why or how.

The dialogue is a little formal. Now, maybe Ngou is a bit formal, I can imagine him being like that, but perhaps if so, you want Vittoria's dialogue to be looser. This would show the contrast more.

"Where is the Old Ghost, Ngou? What about my eyes?"

"WHERE'S THE OLD GHOST, NGOU? WHAT ABOUT MY EYES?"

"The priest on the right has his lips puckered and his forehead scrunched in a strange smile."

I suspect you could be clearer on that.

Nice job overall. I wouldn't be surprised to see this turn into something decent.

Schuyler
11-19-2014, 09:34 AM
Thank you, Sam.

I am not sure what you mean about the magic. Would you please explain?

I will take your advice on changing Vittoria's dialogue.

I will work on that panel description.

Thanks again,

-Schuyler

Schuyler
11-19-2014, 10:20 AM
Oh, and I am not ignoring your suggestion about the caps. I have tried writing scripts both ways. I have chosen to go with lower case and I can always capitalize before sending it to the letterer, if that's what they want.

The reason I have decided to go with lower case is, my machine does not correct for spelling and grammar if I capitalize. I am okay at spelling and barely acceptable with grammar. I like when the machine backs me up.

Frankmillerfan
11-19-2014, 11:43 AM
Oh, and I am not ignoring your suggestion about the caps. I have tried writing scripts both ways. I have chosen to go with lower case and I can always capitalize before sending it to the letterer, if that's what they want.

The reason I have decided to go with lower case is, my machine does not correct for spelling and grammar if I capitalize. I am okay at spelling and barely acceptable with grammar. I like when the machine backs me up.

don't trust the computer too much it only checks spelling not wrong word usage ex. there when it should be their..so get fresh eyes to go over the story or put it away a couple of weeks then come back to read when its not so embedded in your head.

interesting beginning. I like the dialogue flow.

Schuyler
11-19-2014, 05:50 PM
Thank you, Frankmillerfan

That is some great advice.

-Schuyler

Kiyoko, Rin
11-20-2014, 12:45 AM
I like what's happened so far, I think it's well paced and clear to follow with enough happening on the page.

Some nits I would pick:

Page 1 Panel 1.
Take the opportunity to insert Vittoria’s name when the priest speaks.

Page 1 Panel 3.
I’d like to see some of the crowd’s reaction to Ngou because a) a self proclaimed ‘devil’ is riding through a crowd of medieval (which to my mind = ‘superstitious’) Catholics. b) even at their tannest, Mediterraneans only go brown, not black. How would they react to truly dark skin? (I’m assuming some of Ngou’s skin is bared, his hands maybe?) Even though Italy would have been a major trade hub back then with (regular?) exposure to Africans, every country has issues with their neighbours – especially if they’re of 2 different ethnicities. Even today, Italy is neither cosmopolitan nor completely au fait with race (as seen by Mario Ballotelli, the censure of the Italian Football Association, and the closure of Lazio, AS Roma, AC Milan’s stadia for European games).

Page 2 Panel 1.
Ngou's HORSE is galloping forward, not Ngou.

Page 2 Panel 4.
To me, wide eyes indicate surprise or fear or shock, while flared nostrils indicate anger and disgust. I’m not sure the 2 go together naturally.

Page 3 Panel 2.
"VITTORIA: Where is the Old Ghost, Ngou? What about my eyes?"

Her dialogue seems too abrupt a change of topic to me. In the last panel they had a back and forth answering and building on each other's sentences. In this panel she then ignores him to switch topic. Maybe put her question in a new panel to suggest a cleaner break in time?

SamRoads
11-20-2014, 02:57 AM
Magic occurs. I'm not sure who generates it. One of our heroes? One of the villains? Someone OP?

I'm not sure why the magic occurs.

I'm pretty sure I understand what it does, but I'm not sure.

With magic, you need to work out if the audience will comprehend that the laws of reality are being broken in a specific way.

Or, just let it roll and call it an art house comic... ;)

Schuyler
11-20-2014, 09:26 AM
Thank you, Kiyoko, Rin

You have made some valid points.

I will include Vittoria's name, I just have to come up with a family name for her.

You are right about the reaction of the crowd, thanks for your suggestion.

A horse is a horse of course.

I try to make the faces I describe. I usually try to make the face I want, and then describe the face I am making. It is a process that I might need to practice before I am really good at it.

I wanted that dialogue to be abrupt. I might still need to change it to what you suggested.

Vittoria is almost laughing at Ngou's misunderstanding of Christian culture, and then she jumps to what she was concerned about before she was accused of witchcraft. A skull and his magical eyes.

Schuyler
11-20-2014, 09:31 AM
Magic occurs. I'm not sure who generates it. One of our heroes? One of the villains? Someone OP?

I'm not sure why the magic occurs.

I'm pretty sure I understand what it does, but I'm not sure.

With magic, you need to work out if the audience will comprehend that the laws of reality are being broken in a specific way.

Or, just let it roll and call it an art house comic... ;)

Thanks, Sam

I tried to make it clear that Ngou was casting the spells by color coordinating his glowing hand to the spell action. I guess it still needs some thought.

I feel like, if I can show you that Ngou is casting the spell, you would know why. You might not know exactly what the spells are doing, but enough could be gleaned from context.

LukePierce
11-20-2014, 10:31 AM
I would suggest Garibaldi as a surname for Vittoria. Yes, it's better known as a cookie/Biscuit now, but to the Venetians, it was an incredibly powerful name and associated with banking and finance (Which could highlight her fondness for the types of clothes she wears).

Schuyler
11-20-2014, 08:56 PM
I would suggest Garibaldi as a surname for Vittoria. Yes, it's better known as a cookie/Biscuit now, but to the Venetians, it was an incredibly powerful name and associated with banking and finance (Which could highlight her fondness for the types of clothes she wears).

Thanks, Luke

Alyssa tells me that Vittoria is the name of a brand of coffee in Australia. I think that using the name of a biscuit as her last name is a stroke of genius. It is the kind of genius that you are not aware of but it exists nonetheless.

-Schuyler

LukePierce
11-21-2014, 06:42 AM
Coffee Biscuit is a stroke of genius and a great inside joke to those who know about it!