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SkyfireQT
11-16-2014, 11:58 PM
Hi there! This is a partial script for an idea i've been tinkering with lately. My goal is to polish this into an idea i can pitch to artists in order to collaborate and create a short series. I'd like to work with new artists so here i am... trying online forums. I'm currently working on an indie comic ( facebook.com/environcomic ) that's being printed in my local country yet i'd like to dedicate even more time to working on other projects as well.

Any feedback or proposals for collaboration are more than welcome!

updated 11/19/14 based on feedback received so far.

INFINITE ECHO #1
Written by Fabián Andrés R /
ONE

Panel 1: ALL-WIDE PANEL. We see a dark and lonely temperate forest from above.
1. CAPTION: Several years ago.

Panel 2: ALL-WIDE PANEL. NIXXIE runs through the forest. She’s wearing plain and slightly ragged clothing. Her face depicts her fear as she looks over her shoulder.
2. VESS (NARRATION): Run…

Panel 3: ALL-WIDE PANEL. KA’THALL’s face is centered in the panel. He’s prowling in silence among bushes and trees. His ominous expression is half-lit by moonlight.
3. VESS (NARRATION): …come on, little bunny…

Panel 4: BORDERLESS PANEL. KA’THALL’s laser chakram flies through the scene, cutting through a series of trees and failing to strike NIXXIE. The laser chakram leaves a luminescent trail behind it. Maybe it invades the upper panel.
4. SFX: VVMMM!!
5. VESS (NARRATION): …run!!

TWO

Panel 1: ALL-WIDE PANEL. NIXXIE runs away from the slashed trees. She’s in fear. Her face is poorly lit. The dark forest seems to encase her.

Panel 2: BORDERLESS PANEL. VESS jumps from the tree she was stationed at. Her flexed legs and arms make it seem as if she’s going to hunt her prey. Her hair swirls in the air. We see her perilous grin. Below her we see the dark forest. Maybe her figure invades other panels.
1. VESS: Sheesh. What kind of prey are you?
2. VESS: What kind of prey are you?
3. VESS: This is too easy.

Panel 3: INSERT PANEL w/ BORDER. Detail of one of VESS’s venom-spitting weapons. The device spews dark green venom, hitting a tree or branch. The hunk of wood starts melting, cracking and falling.
4. SFX: FFSSS

Panel 4: ALL-WIDE PANEL. The massive hunk of wood collapses into the ground violently, falling in front of NIXXIE. She falls to the ground in surprise.
5. SFX: KRACKLE!!

THREE

Panel 1: FULL-PAGE ART. We see NIXXIE from behind. We see THE HUNTERS standing tall in front of NIXXIE. She looks up towards their empowered figures. VESS stands at the far left. A wicked smile decorates her face as she mocks NIXXIE. She keeps her head high as she looks down towards her prey. Maybe her arms are crossed or in a flashy and expressive position. VOLUN-SURR stands in the middle. He looks down at NIXXIE in an overpowering fashion. His body language is much more serious and business-like, much less expressive. KA’THALL stands at the far right. His body language is very similar to VOLUN-SURR’s. He holds his laser chakram. KA’THALL stares ahead as if he were scanning the area for other threats.
1. VESS: Bad bunny! You weren’t a decent sport!
2. VESS: I wonder why you have such a generous bounty on you.
3. VOLUN-SURR: It’s over, Nixxie. We’re taking you back.

FOUR

Panel 1: FULL-PAGE ART. The panel consists of an eagle-eye view of NOAH-RED. A sleek and massive building stands tall among the other structures within the city’s dome. The latter stretches across the sky, protecting NOAH-RED. Its inside fashions an iridescent color, as if it were the inside of the shell of a Blackfoot Paua sea snail. The building empowers the contrast between the more advanced buildings within the city and the lesser advanced structures that home the poor and less fortunate.
1. CAPTION: Noah-Red.
2. CAPTION: Now.
3. PATRICK (NARRATION): When I was a kid, I used to look at pictures of cities like this one and imagine titles, dating years ahead of our time, decorating the corners.
4. PATRICK (NARRATION): I always looked forward to the future. I wanted to take one of those pictures and say: “Hey, I made it to 3001!”
5. SECRETARY (BUILDING): You’re… here for the job interview?
6. PATRICK (NARRATION): Who would have thought we’d stop counting the years?
7. PATRICK (NARRATION): Who would have thought humanity was going to suffer so much. We pretty much decided to forget time…
8. PATRICK (NARRATION): Because it became a constant reminder of how long it’s been since we lost everything we built.

FIVE

Panel 1: FULL-PAGE ART. We see the SECRETARY’s back. She’s behind her desk, startled by PATRICK’s appearance. The SECRETARY fashions elegant business clothes in a neutral color like gray or bone-white. She fashions a knot-bun hairstyle. She’s got a small one-piece wireless headset on her ear. PATRICK stands at the other side of the desk. He’s serious. It seems as if he’s ignoring the SECRETARY’s surprise. He fashions a formal vest with a dark strong color, like black, blue or wine-red. Beneath the vest lays a formal shirt yet it’s being used quite informally: sleeves rolled up and no tie. Maybe the shirt isn’t tucked in or even unbuttoned up top. He fashions a couple of bracelets to make it more casual. LOON-1 & LOON-2 rise from his right wrist. They float around him. Behind PATRICK we see a crowded lobby. Everyone dresses much more formal than him. At the very end we see the fully windowed end of the lobby which allows visitors to see NOAH-RED from up-high in the air.
1. LOON-1: Yes. My name is Loon—
2. PATRICK (INTERRUPT): Patrick.
3. PATRICK: My name is Patrick. I have an appointment with Mr. Crain.
4. SECRETARY: Oh… of course. I’ll let him know you’re here!
5. PATRICK (NARRATION): Well… perhaps not everything.

SIX

Panel 1: ALL-WIDE PANEL. PATRICK is standing near the massive windowed wall, sipping on a hot cup of coffee. He remains rather pensive. The SECRETARY reached his location and is now calling on him.
1. SECRETARY: Umm… Mr…?
2. PATRICK: Call me Patrick. I’d be surprised if you can pronounce my last name.
3. LOON-2: No! Call him Pikach-
4. PATRICK (INTERRUPT): Ignore the talking balloon. He’s a moron.

Panel 2: HALF-WIDE PANEL. Detail of the SECRETARY’s face. She graciously lets her doubt and personality shine over the business etiquette.
5. SECRETARY: Which one?

Panel 3: HALF-WIDE PANEL. Detail of PATRICK’s face. His expression portrays how annoyed he is by the LOONS but he doesn’t seem rude to the SECRETARY.
6. PATRICK: Both of them.

Panel 4: ALL-WIDE PANEL. This panel is similar to panel 1. The SECRETARY is much more comfortable around PATRICK now. Business etiquette has slightly faded away. Her body language indicates she’s going back to her desk.
7. SECRETARY: Hah! Well, Patrick… Mr. Crain will be with you shortly.

SEVEN

Panel 1: ALL-WIDE PANEL. PATRICK stares at the city through the massive window as he hold his hot cup of coffee. His expression is both serene and pensive.
1. PATRICK (NARRATION): Noah-Red is a nice city...
2. LOON-2: Why so pensive, boss?
3. PATRICK: Remember when I told you to be quiet today?

Panel 2: INSERT PANEL w/ BORDER. Detail of LOON-2’s face. He’s oblivious to how annoyed PATRICK is.
4. LOON-2: Yup.

Panel 3: ALL-WIDE PANEL. This panel is similar to panel 1. PATRICK’s expression isn’t serene anymore. He’s tired of the LOONS being silly. He’s disappointed in a comedic way.
5. PATRICK: Well, I wasn’t kidding.
6. LOON-2: Pfft. You’re always kidding boss!!

EIGHT

Panel 1: HALF-WIDE PANEL. We see a highly advanced room full of government officials having a round table about city affairs. The environment seems professional.
1. PATRICK (NARRATION): There’s order…

Panel 2: HALF-WIDE PANEL. We see the lobby where PATRICK is at. The lobby is full with professional looking scientists, designers & more. Everyone seems busy.
2. PATRICK (NARRATION): …job opportunities…

Panel 3: ALL-WIDE PANEL. We see a shady restaurant, very similar to a Japanese ramen booth. Maybe the scene uses a brown palette. A couple of cooks are behind the booth. A couple of industry workers are sitting in the chairs, eating. They look dirty and tired. Some have oil stains in their clothes. One has an advanced prosthetic leg. A tan-colored dog lurks around, looking for food.
3. PATRICK (NARRATION): …and shady restaurants. It’s literally all I need.

Panel 4: BORDERLESS PANEL. We see THE OCTOPHOBES walking through the streets.
4. PATRICK (NARRATION): We even have the typical group of religious nutjobs going door to door, recruiting other nutjobs for their own private club of lunacy.
5. LOON-2 (NARRATION): You mad bro?
6. PATRICK (NARRATION): Sigh. Seriously… Shut up man.
7. PATRICK (NARRATION): Anyways… Most importantly, we don’t get slaughtered in here…

NINE

Panel 1: ALL-WIDE PANEL. Detail of PATRICK’s face. He’s pensive.
1. PATRICK (NARRATION): At least not by what’s out there.

Panel 2: ALL-WIDE PANEL. We see a news channel desk. Two anchormen are sitting in the colorful room. The one at the left is a woman and the one at the right is a man. Behind them we see a huge screen portraying a picture of PHANTOM MOXIE half-shrouded in shadows, maybe as she slips into the darkness of an alley. We also see the interface of the channel, as if we were watching it on TV.
2. ANCHORMAN #1: Phantom Moxie… that’s what they’re calling this masked vigilante who has been cleaning the streets of Noah-Red.
3. ANCHORMAN #2: That’s right! The question remains if Phantom Moxie is also behind the murder of seemingly corrupt government official Elliot Herra.

Panel 3: ALL-WIDE PANEL. We see MR. CRAIN opening his arms towards us. He’s welcoming PATRICK. He’s happy to see him. MR. CRAIN dresses quite business-like and in very elegant clothing, maybe a strong vibrant color: teal, green or wine-red. He’s got long-blonde hair and a small one-piece wireless headset on his ear.
4. ANCHORMAN #2 (NARRATION): “What we know for a fact is that the mortality rate has increased a shocking 17% since Phantom Moxie’s appearance.”
5. MR. CRAIN: Patrick, So good to finally meet you! I trust you’re ready for the interview?

TEN/ELEVEN

Panel 1: DOUBLE-PAGE SPREAD. We’re located outside NOAH-RED’s dome. The area is green and seems peaceful. We see NIXXIE prowling among the shades of trees and bushes. She’s wearing her contemporary suit. Close to her location we see a group of earthlings tending their wounds. NIXXIE is planning on attacking. We can’t see much of what’s behind her.
1. NIXXIE (NARRATION): My name is Nixxie... and I was born ready.
2. NIXXIE (NARRATION): No.

Panel 2: DOUBLE-PAGE SPREAD. We see NIXXIE from a different angle. We also see a massive earthling behind her. He had sneaked up on her and is ready to pound her into the ground. He’s as hostile as he is massive. NIXXIE hasn’t noticed.
3. NIXXIE (NARRATION): I was designed to be ready.
4. NIXXIE (NARRATION): I was experimented on for years before I was able to escape from that horrid lab.
5. NIXXIE (NARRATION): Those monsters where always there… bringing me back every time…
6. NIXXIE (NARRATION): Until the day I showed them what I was capable of.

Panel 3: DOUBLE-PAGE SPREAD. The earthling slams the groundwith his arm, launching NIXXIE into the air and out of cover.
7. NIXXIE: Oomph!
6. NIXXIE (NARRATION): I’m clearly capable of more than this. I need to focus or I’ll be turned into dust!

Panel 4: DOUBLE-PAGE SPREAD. NIXXIE’s body crashes into a nearby tree. The tree crack. The other earthlings have a visual on her now. She’s in a lot of pain. Her back seems to have been injured badly.
8. SFX: Krack!!

TWELVE


Panel 1: We see the massive earthling attack from NIXXIE’s first person view. The earthling’s fist is rapidly approaching with furious strength.

Panel 2: SMALL PANEL. Detail of NIXXIE’s head. She’s hurt, confused and numb.

Panel 3: SMALL PANEL. Detail of one of NIXXIE’s weapons as it beams to life. The laser blades shine vibrantly.
1. SFX: VVMM!

Panel 4: NIXXIE slashes through the incoming fist with her blades. The earthling is in terrible pain.
2. SFX: Shzack

Panel 5: NIXXIE is attacked by the other earthlings. One slams its fist against her face.
3. SFX: Kroom!

Panel 6: BORDERLESS PANEL. We see NIXXIE standing from behind. In front of her, several massive and monstrous earthlings stand tall. They’re angry and ready to attack. She’s terribly outnumbered and probably outgunned. She looks up at them.

Panel 7: ALL-WIDE PANEL. We see MR. CRAIN sitting behind his desk, speaking to PATRICK. MR. CRAIN is terribly offended and his expression helps accentuate that. His office is quite modern. Maybe we can design some weird futuristic adornments to help decorate it. PATRICK seems very chill and in control of the situation.
4. PATRICK: Perhaps your designers suck.
5. MR. CRAIN: Excuse me?
6. PATRICK: Think about it…

THIRTEEN

Panel 1: We see NIXXIE from behind. The earthlings attack. One of them slashes through where she used to stand. NIXXIE successfully jumps and evades the attack.
1. PATRICK (NARRATION): “You’re telling me your designers are at an impasse...”

Panel 2: NIXXIE is hit in the air by another earthling.
2. PATRICK (NARRATION): “…and that you want them to think outside the box.”

Panel 3: We see NIXXIE from a frontal view, as if she were staring at us. She’s hurt and her suit slightly damaged. She uses a hand to cover an injury on an arm and her legs don’t efficiently hold her weight any longer. Behind her lies a part of NOAH-RED’s dome; a massive wall that protects the city. In front lays the barely visible heads of the attacking earthlings.
3. PATRICK (NARRATION): “You’re looking for someone to lead a group of innovators. You want your team to be ambitious.”

Panel 4: BORDERLESS PANEL. We see an earthling charging towards NIXXIE from her first person view, as if he were charging towards us.
4. PATRICK (NARRATION): “Tell me, Mr. Crain… have you ever consider that the box is there for a reason?”

Panel 5: BORDERLESS PANEL. NIXXIE leaps on top of the charging earthling and then leaps off. The earthling crashed against the dome’s wall, immediately bursting to flames. The earthling is incinerated.
5. PATRICK (NARRATION): “The box might not be your limit. It can very well be what protects you.”

SamRoads
11-18-2014, 06:23 AM
INFINITE ECHO #1
Written by Fabián Andrés R /
ONE
Panel 1:
ALL-WIDE PANEL.
We see a dark and lonely temperate forest from above. Maybe NIXXIE’s silhouette is barely visible. She’s running away from THE HUNTERS. 1. CAPTION: Several years ago.
Panel 2:
ALL-WIDE PANEL.
NIXXIE runs through the forest. She’s desperate to escape but she knows she’s being followed. She’s wearing plain and slightly ragged clothing. Her face and ears remain unseen. 2. VESS (NARRATION): Run…
Panel 3:
ALL-WIDE PANEL.
KA’THALL’s face is centered in the panel. He’s prowling in silence among bushes and trees. His ominous expression is half-lit by moonlight. 3. VESS (NARRATION): …come on little bunny…
Panel 4:
BORDERLESS PANEL.
KA’THALL’s laser chakram flies through the scene, cutting through a series of trees and missing NIXXIE on purpose. The laser chakram leaves a luminescent trail behind it. Maybe it invades the upper panel. 4. SFX: VVMMM!! 5. VESS (NARRATION): …
Run!!

Hi Fabian,

I'm not entirely sure what an all-wide panel is. Is this wide as in page width, or wide as in wide angle?

What is the light source which is silhouetting Nixxie? We're above, so I think that's only possible if the ground is glowing.

Are the Hunters close or far? It's a bit vague.

Telling us that Nixxie is desperate to escape, but knows she's being followed is film script, not comic script. You're not writing for actors, you're writing for an artist to draw. You can't draw someone knowing they're being followed.

Punctuation isn't tight. 'come' is lower case, but the second 'Run' is capitalised. I would put a comma into "come on, little bunny", otherwise you've said something rather rude. :O

You cannot draw that a chakram has missed on purpose. Can you?

Cheers

Sam

Kiyoko, Rin
11-18-2014, 11:57 PM
ONE

Panel 2: ALL-WIDE PANEL. NIXXIE runs through the forest…she knows she’s being followed…Her face and ears remain unseen. Best way (that I know) to show this would be to see at least some of her face so we can see her looking over her shoulder, terrified.

Panel 3:

3. VESS (NARRATION): …come on little bunny… (smutty lol. You SERIOUSLY need a comma after “on”)
Panel 4: …missing NIXXIE on purpose (intention / motive cannot be drawn). The laser chakram leaves a luminescent trail behind it. (Cool visual)
5. VESS (NARRATION): …Run!! (Be aware that Vess’ narration will seem to the reader like Nixxie’s inner monologue)

TWO

Panel 2: Maybe her figure invades other panels. (This could be effective. It’s a technique that artists don’t use that often.)
1. VESS: Sheesh. (1) What kind of prey are you? (2)
2. VESS: This is too easy. (3) (You’ve paired such a dynamic pose with dialogue that has 3 beats. The timing seems off as one seems longer than the other.)
Panel 3: …The device spews dark green venom towards (hitting) a tree or branch. The hunk of wood starts melting, cracking and falling.

You’ve combined 3 stories together – Nixxie’s chase (in the past), Patrick’s interview, Nixxie’s beating on her hunt (present / future). After 12 pages, I don’t Know anything about Nixxie – why is she being hunted, how did she survive, why is she hunting others? WHAT'S HER NAME? You haven’t given me any answers. If you delayed revealing these answers deliberately, in order to create mystery / suspense, sorry to say it hasn’t worked (for me). I see it as too little story spread over too many pages (most of them splash pages or double page spreads). I think that there are interesting ideas / powers in your script, and if anyone ever made your comic I think it would have great visuals, but you cannot rely on the art alone; the story needs to pull its weight, too. And, judging by how many “maybes” are in your panel descriptions, you seem to be hoping the artist can provide more creative input than just the art?

SkyfireQT
11-19-2014, 10:15 PM
I'm not entirely sure what an all-wide panel is. Is this wide as in page width, or wide as in wide angle?

What is the light source which is silhouetting Nixxie? We're above, so I think that's only possible if the ground is glowing.

Are the Hunters close or far? It's a bit vague.

Telling us that Nixxie is desperate to escape, but knows she's being followed is film script, not comic script. You're not writing for actors, you're writing for an artist to draw. You can't draw someone knowing they're being followed.

Punctuation isn't tight. 'come' is lower case, but the second 'Run' is capitalised. I would put a comma into "come on, little bunny", otherwise you've said something rather rude. :O

You cannot draw that a chakram has missed on purpose. Can you?

Cheers

Sam

Hi Sam,

Thanks for much for the feedback you've provided. I came to this forum to learn and this is the kind of thing that i'm looking for! :)

An all-wide panel is a panel that extends all the way from the left side of the page to the right side... meaning a complete horizontal panel. That's mainly the language that i've used with the artists that i've worked with. Any suggestions on the right 'slang'?

What i attempted to describe when i mentioned the silhouette was that Nixxie isn't fully visible, she's more like a shadow. I'm sure i can improve that description so thanks!

They're scattered around the area. They don't appear in Panel 1. I tend to write the reason why characters do stuff so the writer can add their own details in order to empower the actions/feelings. Do you think that could be confusing and misguiding? For example in my panel 1 description i write what Nixxie is running from (the pitch document explains who the characters are but i didn't upload that yet) for the artist to understand what she "is going through" and can better illustrate the situation. This might be a mistake. I might be mixing screenwriting techniques with comic writing techniques.

To be very honest, i rarely pay attention to lower cases and upper cases mostly because they are regularly auto corrected my word and in the end... all comic book text from this script is intended to be upper case (like most comics) unless noted otherwise.

You're right. This is something i'd like to fix.

Thanks again for the feedback. I'd appreciate more, if any! :,)

SkyfireQT
11-19-2014, 10:27 PM
ONE

Panel 2: ALL-WIDE PANEL. NIXXIE runs through the forest…she knows she’s being followed…Her face and ears remain unseen. Best way (that I know) to show this would be to see at least some of her face so we can see her looking over her shoulder, terrified.

Panel 3:

3. VESS (NARRATION): …come on little bunny… (smutty lol. You SERIOUSLY need a comma after “on”)
Panel 4: …missing NIXXIE on purpose (intention / motive cannot be drawn). The laser chakram leaves a luminescent trail behind it. (Cool visual)
5. VESS (NARRATION): …Run!! (Be aware that Vess’ narration will seem to the reader like Nixxie’s inner monologue)

TWO

Panel 2: Maybe her figure invades other panels. (This could be effective. It’s a technique that artists don’t use that often.)
1. VESS: Sheesh. (1) What kind of prey are you? (2)
2. VESS: This is too easy. (3) (You’ve paired such a dynamic pose with dialogue that has 3 beats. The timing seems off as one seems longer than the other.)
Panel 3: …The device spews dark green venom towards (hitting) a tree or branch. The hunk of wood starts melting, cracking and falling.

You’ve combined 3 stories together – Nixxie’s chase (in the past), Patrick’s interview, Nixxie’s beating on her hunt (present / future). After 12 pages, I don’t Know anything about Nixxie – why is she being hunted, how did she survive, why is she hunting others? WHAT'S HER NAME? You haven’t given me any answers. If you delayed revealing these answers deliberately, in order to create mystery / suspense, sorry to say it hasn’t worked (for me). I see it as too little story spread over too many pages (most of them splash pages or double page spreads). I think that there are interesting ideas / powers in your script, and if anyone ever made your comic I think it would have great visuals, but you cannot rely on the art alone; the story needs to pull its weight, too. And, judging by how many “maybes” are in your panel descriptions, you seem to be hoping the artist can provide more creative input than just the art?

Just as i said earlier, THANKS for the feedback :D I srsly love this.

Yup... i missed my comma, aawkwaard!! lol. Intention and motive failing to be drawn is a great lesson i've learned by posting this here.

Regarding the Vess dialogue... I understand how this might seem like Nixxie's inner dialogue at first... but do you think i've failed to then reveal it's actually Vess'? If so, how do you think i can improve that 'reveal'?

My idea regarding the different stories is the following (and i apologize for not providing the pitch document that summarizes the story and allows for a better understanding of what i'm trying to do):

The first pages show a girl who we aren't introduced to as a weak being escaping from bounty hunters.

We then move to the present and follow Patrick who helps with the world building, narrating stuff that explains a little about the setting of the story.

We then see how that girl actually survived and doesn't seem all that weak any more.

The stories will then slowly combine. (This hasn't happened in the script yet. I might be delaying it too much?) Nixxie will continue to struggle with her enemies until they pass through her and break into the city's dome. During this process she meets Patrick and that's where the two 'main' characters join forces. The hunters come later in the story. Here's a link to the pitch document if you care to read. I'm very interested on your feedback regarding the story's layout.

https://www.scribd.com/fullscreen/246818423?access_key=key-vP9u1BII0SE9nZrGamxW&allow_share=false&escape=false&show_recommendations=false&view_mode=scroll

SkyfireQT
11-19-2014, 11:30 PM
Updating changes

Kiyoko, Rin
11-20-2014, 01:29 AM
To be fair, you HAVE tied the narration on page 1 to Vess. Trouble is, the word that links them ("bunny") appears on page 1 and 3, not on page 2. If you trailed the last caption on page 1 off with an ellipses and then started page 2 with Vess, drawn in full, physically speaking and starting that speech with another ellipsis, that should be a stronger bridge between the two.

Luckily, Alyssa has already flagged links on how to do match cuts on another thread. Go into the "New script c&c encouraged" on the writer's forum and look at item 14. Follow the top link to see Yannick Morin's article, where he explains match cuts far better better than I have. (Plus, he's a professional; I'm a noobody.)

I've looked at your pitch document. I love your concept, but think all that story would be hard to do in 22 pages. (lol) Seriously, how large a run of Issues do you think you'll need to tell your story?

SkyfireQT
11-20-2014, 08:36 AM
Oh this is not to be deceloped in 22 pages. It's a 5-issue idea. So we're talking about 110 pages. Thanks for the heads up on that one. As you can read on the updated script, i answered several of the questions (name in the past and present, how she escaped/survived sort of, etc) on pages 3, 10 and 11! Thanks again for all the tips and time!!