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Mike225
11-16-2014, 04:46 PM
Characters:

Blue Bolt: Fred Parrish

Scarlet Void: Jim Kendall

Green Titan: Marvin Brentwood

Mercury Man: Merco

Duke of Darkness: Danny “Paddy” Sullivan

Mr. Slumber: Morpheus Slumber

Page 1:
Panel 1:

Shot of Marvin Brentwood, naked and confused. Every attempt should be made to cover his nudity on this page. Behind Marvin, we can see a beautiful sky but disjointed at the same time.

Marvin: Hello..?

Marvin 2: What is this..?

Panel 2:

A little farther back, we can see people in various positions, all looking at Marvin’s naked self. I’m picturing a beach next to a rock formation and people sitting, standing, whatever, but they should all be looking at Marvin.

Panel 3: Marvin hears something that scares/confuses him at the same time.

Baby, off-panel: eeeeeehhhhh

Marvin: ?

Panel 4: Marvin looks down and sees a baby at his feet. The baby is swaddled in a blanket and his hands are knotted fists; he’s clearly an unhappy customer.

Baby: Aaaaaaaaaahhh

Marvin, lower case: hey, little guy

Marvin 2, lower case: what are you doing out here?

Panel 5:

A shadow falls over Marvin’s face as he becomes very afraid.

Panel 6:

Shot from behind Marvin. We can see a shadowy figure just on a hill. This is Mr. Slumber, but we can’t see his features.

Mr. Slumber: Green Titan.

Mr. Slumber 2: Just give me the baby.

Page 2:
Panel 1

Half page
Scarlet Void walking with Blue Bolt, a narrow corridor. BB’s face is uncovered, Scarlet has his mask on as always. Both have the body language of people who are reacting to a loud noise (unbalanced, hands over their ears, etc.). The ground and walls are vibrating, smallish chunks can be seen falling.

Caption: Voltor.

Green Titan (GT), off-panel:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRR

Scarlet Void (SV) (all caps because he’s yelling): What the hell is that noise? Is that Marvin?

SV2 (lower cased, talking to himself): my god, it’s like a bomb going off over and over!

SV3 (lower cased): I can feel the floor shaking! This place can’t take this for long!

BB (caps): That’s him all right, Jim. You know as much about this as I do.

Panel 2:

Profiles of SV and BB walking side by side with a purpose.
SV (caps): Do we have anyone that can get in there? We need to stifle that or he’ll rattle Voltor apart!

BB (caps): Merco just reached out telepathically. Dr. Spencer has made sure it isn’t anything physically wrong and he’s getting his vacuum spiral prepped in case we need to teleport him somewhere.

BB 2 (caps): We need to look at that as an option if we can’t get him to stop growing.

BB3 (caps): We’re doing what we can.

Panel 3:

SV and BB are looking at each other as Scarlet gives orders.
SV (caps): Have him link us. Have him power Marvin down.

SV2 (lower): damn fool knows he can’t just grow in--

Page 3
Panel 1:

Scarlet, BB and MM are sitting in a room together. The sudden peace is a welcome change for the three men, but it only exists in their minds. The room can be full of all kinds of metaphorical things, subliminals and stream of conscience type stuff.

SV (Regular text): --here.

SV2: What did you find in there?

MM: Nothing. Something is keeping me out.

MM2: It’s something I can sense, I just can’t tell what it is. It’s very powerful and it’s got Marvin’s mind sealed off.

BB: But who or what could do that to you?

MM3: I don’t know. I am very gifted as a telepath, but I’ve never claimed to be the best.

Panel 2:

Switch perspective to SV looking at MM.

SV: We need everything you got. Have you at least been able to stop that noise?

MM: You already know I’m always giving my best, Jim.

Mm2: I can’t stop the screaming without access to his mind, but I’ve sent out the evacuation order and asked for assistance from Fred’s wife.

BB, off-panel: ..really?

Panel 3:

BB, covering his face with his hand.

BB: She’s never gonna let me hear the end of this.

SV, off-panel: You’ll be okay.

Panel 4:

BB stands straight after hearing the tone of SV’s voice. The others are talking to him.

BB: right, that’s not important right now.

BB2: Do we know anyone that may be able to help? We have an entire community, here.

MM: The Duke just made contact to say he’s probing Marvin’s mind for cracks.

MM2: He has a..suspicion.

SV: Bring him in.

Panel 5:

Close-up of Duke as he strains to do something. The balloon placement should be as such that it breaks the panel barrier, because he’s communicating with them but holding his ground so that he isn’t distracted from trying to save Marvin.

Duke: Sorry, fellas. If I’m right, we’ve only got moments to save Marvin!

SV, off-panel: What can we do?

Page 4:

Splash page.

Duke of Darkness is floating above Marvin, whose hands are flailing and his face indicates an internal conflict contorting his face with heavy doses of pain and fright. Marvin is in full costume except for his mask, including the belt, because he wouldn’t be able to grow, otherwise. Duke is clearly worried about his friend, which should be shown in his body language.

Duke: Honestly?

Duke2: Pray I’m wrong.

GT: Aaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhh

GT 2: NO

GT 3: AAAAAHHHH

Page 5:

Panel 1: From behind Mr. Slumber, who is still cloaked in shadow. Marvin is kneeling in front of him, still nude, and grown to a massive height. He’s got the baby in his enormous hand. The baby’s laying down and crying.

GT: I’m going to say this once.

GT 2: You’re not getting this baby unless I’m dead.

Panel 2

Close-up on Mr. Slumber’s devilish smile.

Mr. Slumber: I know.

Panel 3

Shot of GT looking at Mr. Slumber with grim determination. Over his shoulders, some of Mr. Slumber’s Nightmares appear.

Panel 4

GT turns his head to look at the Nightmares.

GT, lower case: huh?

Panel 5

Dog-pile on GT. The hand with the baby in it is held up by GT, as he’s keeping the baby from the Nightmares.

Page 6

Panel 1:

Back to Duke, in the same room as Marvin. Marvin’s face is still distorted because of his screaming.

GT: AAAAAAAAARRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWWW

Duke, lower case: easy, Marvin. I’m just trying to help you, buddy.

Duke 2: You’re gonna have to let me in, though.

Panel 2:

Duke puts his hand meaningfully, gingerly on the side of Marvin’s head.

Duke, whispering: what horrors are you hiding in there?

Duke 2, whispering: who’s in there with you?

Panel 3:

Close-up of Duke’s eyes, now widened with horror. He knows who they’re dealing with.

Panel 4:

Duke still has his hand on Marvin’s head, same as panel 2, but he’s looking away as he speaks to someone off-panel.

Duke: Team?

Duke 2: I’m ready to share my theory now. I’ve confirmed who we’re dealing with.

Duke 3, lower case: guess those prayers were useless.

Panel 5:

SV, MM and BB are huddled around in their shared mindspace. Duke of Darkness is sort of flowing into the panel to have a chat.

Duke: How much do you guys know of Titan’s powers? Where the extra mass comes from?

SV: I’ve heard Dr. Spencer’s theories:

Page 7

Panel 1:

SV talking to the other members of the group.

SV: If I understood him correctly, his idea was that the belt is where he gets his mass.

SV 2: It’s a doorway. To what, he never said.

BB: I’m guessing you have a guess about where it comes from?

Panel 2:

Duke is addressing the others gravely, and they’re carefully listening.

Duke: The mass is from souls.

Duke 2: There were some problems with his experimentations and results, but Duncan MacDougall was on the right track:

Duke 3: Souls have weight. I weigh 32 grams.

Duke 4: You’re just going to have to believe me for now, we can weigh me later.

Panel 4:

Duke looking at the others, as he continues to explain.

Duke: And, yes, Dr. Spencer is right. It is a doorway.

Duke 2: The universe has a big storage bin for all that mass that can’t be destroyed. That belt is the entrance.

SV: So, someone opened it from the inside?

Duke 3: Marvin did. He’s defending himself in there.

Duke 4: He’s acting out a nightmare.

Panel 5:

SV, MM and BB looking at each other inquisitively. Duke is sitting in front of them, his back to the viewer.

SV: Who could create that kind of nightmare?

SV 2: And why?

MM: One of your enemies, Duke?

Panel 6:

Back to Duke, explaining.

Duke: Mr. Slumber. It took some digging, but I was able to sense his hand in this.

Duke 2: My best guess? He wants those souls for his own. He wants to break it wide open.

Duke 3: He wants to make everything in the universe afraid, and with an army like that under his command, he could do it.

Page 8:

Panel 1:

Marvin, running, still at a large height, the Nightmares are behind him and Mr. Slumber is behind them. Marvin is still holding baby in his open hand. Since he’s still large, he’s stepping over a large rock formation.

GT: Hf.

GT 2: Hf.

GT 3: Hf.

Panel 2:

Close up of Marvin, looking back

GT: Why am I moving so slow?

Panel 3:

Shot of the Nightmares, very tight shot.

GT: The way they’re staying close—

GT 2: --Am I moving at all?!

SamRoads
11-16-2014, 06:08 PM
Hi Mike, You're on the first rung of the ladder of learning to be a comics writer.

"Panel 3: Marvin hears something that scares/confuses him at the same time."

This is absolutely not a comics panel description. There's no advice on where the 'camera' is, how near or far Marvin is, what the background is or whether he's scared or confused (it's hard to draw two emotions at once).

Read Bolts and Nuts on www.comixtribe.com or buy one of the books on comic script writing. YOu cannot just use film script descriptions, because in the world of comics the writer is also the director.

Keep practising and you'll get better and better! :)

Mike225
11-16-2014, 06:20 PM
Anything on the content? The story itself?

SamRoads
11-16-2014, 06:54 PM
The world of comics, Hollywood, the world of TV and the world of books are chock full of people with (apparently) good ideas. There's even a somewhat useless piece of folk wisdom that 'everyone has a book in them' implying that the hard bit is coming up with ideas, not executing them.

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. You may or may not have good content and a good story, but whilst your craft as a writer is on the lower rungs of the talent ladder, it doesn't matter.

About 10,000 hours or 1,000,000 words is a good guide for how long it takes to get your writing craft up to scratch, in whatever your chosen field is.

Good luck! :)

Mike225
11-16-2014, 07:12 PM
I'm not trying to be a prick, but as the writer and artist and as the guy that's going to be producing the whole thing, I'm more worried about content and quality over if you know how far from the subject and what angle the panel should be at. Obviously, if you're only going to be reading for that, you aren't the person I'm writing for. You have a critique, that's cool. I graciously accept it and it's something I'll work harder in the future on. If you're just reading to see if the descriptions are up to your standards, I wish you well while you aren't reading the stuff I write.

Alyssa
11-16-2014, 08:01 PM
It's true that if you're both writer and artist, you can pretty much have the script however you want. But if you want other people to be able to assess the content/story, you need to make it readable for others.

I, for one, looked at the totally unformatted wall of text above and didn't bother. Sorry! Maybe throw some gaps between paragraphs, add some bold to headings and such, and this'll be easier to read. But like I said, if the panel descriptions and the like are still lacking, outsiders may not be able to follow your story well enough to offer any useful insights.

Mike225
11-16-2014, 08:11 PM
Yeah, the double spaces I had in word didn't translate over. I'll see if I can edit that up. I've honestly never had two comments on a story where they both amount to, "I didn't read it."

Mike225
11-16-2014, 08:22 PM
Okay, it's gapped up. Hopefully, that makes it more penetrable.

Kiyoko, Rin
11-17-2014, 12:47 AM
I think it starts well. The opening page has mystery, mounting tension, and you end on a really good hook.

Then, from page 2 onwards, you keep cutting away from the fight between GT and Mr S, introducing 2 new characters and one new location per page, so that by the time we're back with GT vs Mr S on page 4 so much has changed and we've missed all of it - GT is now in costume, the baby's missing, Mr S is off panel but Duke isn't (somehow). In between, the dialogue moves so quickly and jumps around to topics / people / powers we haven't yet seen or been introduced to (And that's another thing: verbally naming your characters, not just in the script, but on the page for the readers. You could make this easier by doing it every time, and by not swapping between Christian / hero names.) that I was confused.

Your characters' powers seem pretty cool, though.

Mike225
11-17-2014, 01:19 AM
Sweet, I was going for a sense of vertigo! Bad ass, I'm glad it worked. I promise, the script is much longer and it all pans out to make sense, but you picked up on the elements I was putting in. Thanks!

*edit* there's only two locations, though, one of them is Voltor, the other shouldn't be that hard to figure out.

Also, if anyone's interested in these characters, they're all public domain.

Alyssa
11-17-2014, 08:02 AM
Hey, Mike! Thanks for putting the spaces in. A little easier to digest, now.

I know you said you weren't interested in the nitpicking regarding panel descriptions, but like I said above, if you want others to be able to critique, we need to be able to follow what's going on. But we're just small fry. If you want to give your comic (any comic you write) the best chance at success, you'll need to bring an editor on board. And they can't see what's in your head.
Writing better panel descriptions is kind of like using a turning indicator on a car. If you just get in the habit of using it all the time (even if there's no other cars around), then it becomes second nature. You don't even really notice you're doing it. Then, when you actually need it, you're already in the habit.
With all that in mind, I'll give my 2 cents regarding panels, but no biggie if you choose to ignore all that.

Characters:

Blue Bolt: Fred Parrish

Scarlet Void: Jim Kendall

Green Titan: Marvin Brentwood

Mercury Man: Merco

Duke of Darkness: Danny ďPaddyĒ Sullivan

Mr. Slumber: Morpheus Slumber


Generally speaking, character info will go in a document separate to the script. And I'm not sure why you bother listing the characters if you don't even give a cursory description for each? I have no idea who these folk are or what they look like. I presume they're superheroes of some description, given the style of the names.

Page 1:
Panel 1:

Shot of Marvin Brentwood, naked and confused. Every attempt should be made to cover his nudity on this page. Behind Marvin, we can see a beautiful sky but disjointed at the same time.

Marvin: Hello..?

Marvin 2: What is this..?

Marvin is naked and confused, but what's he doing? Is he standing? Sitting? Lying down on the ground? What's the environment like? Is the ground rocky? Sandy? Grassy? Are there plants? Is it barren?

You also mention a "beautiful sky", but don't tell us whether it's beautiful because it's bright blue with fluffy white clouds, or a pink sunrise, or a burning sunset. And how is the sky disjointed? That word means virtually nothing in this context.

You might want to double check what the conventions are regarding the ellipsis in the dialogue, too. I would think that it should be three dots followed by a question mark, but I could very well be wrong! :har:


Panel 2:

A little farther back, we can see people in various positions, all looking at Marvinís naked self. Iím picturing a beach next to a rock formation and people sitting, standing, whatever, but they should all be looking at Marvin.


Now that we've zoomed out, we've basically got an establishing shot, but because you didn't give any info in the previous panel, my mental picture is disjointed. You mention the beach (I'm presuming Marvin is standing on the beach, while the others are on the rocks?) but you didn't mention anything about sand in the previous panel. We also risk the rock formation being "magically delicious" (as Steven likes to say), because there's a good chance we SHOULD have seen some of it in the previous panel.

You don't describe these people at all. Are they beach goers? Tribals? Druid-people in scary cloaks? Got no idea. They're looking at Marvin's "naked self", but we don't know what expressions they've got. How are they reacting to his nakedness? I have no idea.


Panel 3: Marvin hears something that scares/confuses him at the same time.

Baby, off-panel: eeeeeehhhhh

Marvin: ?

I think it's going to be exceptionally difficult to show him being scared and confused at the same time. One emotion is going to reign supreme. If you want to show these emotions, it's probably best divided into two panels. For example, 1) Baby sound breaking across panel, Marvin is startled, 2) Marvin looks down at his feet, confused, more baby sounds emanating from the bottom of the panel.

Now, I should mention that the only reason I new that the sound was coming from the bottom of the panel was because I read panel 4. I automatically imagined the sound coming from the right of the panel, because that's kinda where the reading flow goes. I had to adjust. It's this kind of constant adjustment that makes it hard for outsiders to read this script.

Regarding the "?" as dialogue... this often goes well with anime, humorous comics, or more cartoony illustration styles, but if this is a serious comic with a serious illustration style, this might put off readers.


Panel 4: Marvin looks down and sees a baby at his feet. The baby is swaddled in a blanket and his hands are knotted fists; heís clearly an unhappy customer.

To make this a static panel, I think the description should read, "Marvin is looking down. There is a baby at his feet." But if the focus of this panel is on the baby, and we can see enough detail to catch his knotted fists and such, then we're probably not going to be zoomed out enough to see Marvin's face (or where he's looking).
Of course, I could very well be seeing things wrong, because the panel description doesn't fully explain what's happening in the panel.

Baby: Aaaaaaaaaahhh

Marvin, lower case: hey, little guy

Marvin 2, lower case: what are you doing out here?

This dialogue needs punctuation. Also, this is where my "suspension of disbelief" was broken.
Naked dude on a beach, surrounded by anonymous people watching him. I can deal with that. A baby magically appearing at his feet (I assume it magically appears, because it wasn't mentioned in any of the other panels), I can deal with that too.
What threw me off was that he suddenly forgets the watching people, his nakedness, the whole weirdness of the situation, to console some random magically-appearing baby.

Panel 5:

A shadow falls over Marvinís face as he becomes very afraid.

I could be wrong, but I think what you've described is a moving panel.
Also, are we zoomed in on Marvin's face? Do we see anything else? Where is he looking? Is the shadow being cast from a person, or has the sky suddenly darkened?

Panel 6:

Shot from behind Marvin. We can see a shadowy figure just on a hill. This is Mr. Slumber, but we canít see his features.

Mr. Slumber: Green Titan.

Mr. Slumber 2: Just give me the baby.

This hill should have been mentioned early in the script, because that hill (to me) just popped out of nowhere. Also, when I read "hill", I picture something with vegetation on it. But we're on a beach, right? So shouldn't it be a "dune"?
I still don't understand what cast the earlier shadow. Is Mr Slumber casting a long shadow that has fallen over Marvin? What's Marvin doing? How's he standing? Can we see the baby at his feet?
I also don't understand why Mr Slumber is asking for the baby, as if Marvin owns it or is protecting it somehow. It magically appeared at his feet. I mean, I'm expecting Marvin to shrug and say, "Yeah, sure. Baby's not mine, anyhow!"

And what about all the watching people? Can we see them? Does Marvin even care about them? Watching people + baby + Mr Slumber + naked, and Marvin's not reacting very believably to any of them, I'm afraid.

Page 2:
Panel 1

Half page
Scarlet Void walking with Blue Bolt, a narrow corridor. BBís face is uncovered, Scarlet has his mask on as always. Both have the body language of people who are reacting to a loud noise (unbalanced, hands over their ears, etc.). The ground and walls are vibrating, smallish chunks can be seen falling.

You can't show them walking *as well as* have them in a "reacting to noise" pose. Also, what kind of corridor is it? A clinical-type building? A castle corridor? This will affect what kind of "chunks" are falling from the ceiling.

Also, it feels like I've just turned the page to a completely different comic. There's absolutely nothing to transition from the first page to this one. Not even a continuing sound effect. No match cut. Nothing. There's no caption to tell us where we are in space or time compared to the first page (at least, nothing that makes any sense to us). Page two, and I'm lost.

Caption: Voltor.

Green Titan (GT), off-panel:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHRRRRRR

Scarlet Void (SV) (all caps because heís yelling): What the hell is that noise? Is that Marvin?

SV2 (lower cased, talking to himself): my god, itís like a bomb going off over and over!

SV3 (lower cased): I can feel the floor shaking! This place canít take this for long!

BB (caps): Thatís him all right, Jim. You know as much about this as I do.


I'm not very good at dialogue. But I do recommend you revise these lines. They don't sound realistic at all. One thing I've found that is helping me to improve my dialogue is to read the dialogue in film scripts that are known for good scripting. Study how people speak. How each person "sounds" unique, just in the words they use. How language changes given the situation (someone who's giving a presentation will sound different to someone lying or scared out of their wits).

Panel 2:

Profiles of SV and BB walking side by side with a purpose.
SV (caps): Do we have anyone that can get in there? We need to stifle that or heíll rattle Voltor apart!

BB (caps): Merco just reached out telepathically. Dr. Spencer has made sure it isnít anything physically wrong and heís getting his vacuum spiral prepped in case we need to teleport him somewhere.

BB 2 (caps): We need to look at that as an option if we canít get him to stop growing.

BB3 (caps): Weíre doing what we can.

I could very well be wrong, but I don't think all that dialogue is going to fit in this panel. Also, see my above comments re dialogue.


I stopped reading here. It's late, I'm lost, and this hasn't grabbed my attention yet.

Sorry to focus so much on negatives! I hope my comments are helpful, anyway. Have you submitted to The Proving Grounds (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) yet? I imagine Steven and his pals will give much more helpful guidance than I can.

I look forward to seeing any revisions you throw our way!

Alyssa
11-17-2014, 08:10 AM
I've honestly never had two comments on a story where they both amount to, "I didn't read it."

I would think that most folk just wouldn't bother commenting at all. They'd just do a drive-by on the thread. At least we said WHY we didn't read it. :har:

With that in mind, thanks again for adding the spaces!

Mike225
11-17-2014, 12:39 PM
There seriously needs to be revisions, particularly since the first page and almost any to do with Marvin and the baby is a dream and the rest is the group in the real world reacting to it. That's why the beach looks different (I admit that I wanted to do research on that before I put in any concrete descriptors there, but I should've mentioned that) and I captioned the first panel of the second page "Voltor," which is where the real world is rooted.

I wasn't trying to confuse anyone reading the script the same way I'd want to confuse someone reading the story, so that's my fault.

The names are included in there 1) because I'm shit with names and I forget 2) I included it here cause I thought it might help readers with some of the extra info. I had a thought of adding in additional exposition about the characters, but I didn't and that's not what's important.

To me, the crit "this hasn't grabbed me" is the realist one of all. When I was doing stand up, I realized that is one of the only things you can do where you know instantly if you had a good night or not due to the crowd reaction. What you said is what I take seriously because that's what stories are supposed to do.

Anyway, thanks for reading

Alyssa
11-18-2014, 08:44 PM
Poopers! I wrote out my reply, and lost it. Let's try again, slightly more brief...

Regarding the whole dream sequence thing, include that info in your script. At the start of each dream sequence, write that it's a dream sequence in your panel description, and that the colour scheme, panel borders, whatever, should be different to scenes occurring in "real life". This way, readers of the script will tell it's a dream sequence by the written direction, and readers of the comic will tell it's a dream because of the visuals.

Starting off a story with a dream sequence is kinda risky, because we haven't established what "real life" is yet, and readers might feel cheated when they realise the opening drama was just a dream. But it seems like the whole dream thing is a recurring and important feature to your story (not to mention that Mr Slumber seems to be intruding on the dream realm), so you'll probably get away with it. :har:
I think you should improve the transition between dream/real life, though. Match cut, continuing dialogue, continuing sound effects, whatever suits the situation. It'll help get rid of the feeling of flipping to a new comic when turning the page.

Regarding the "Voltor" caption, remember that doesn't mean anything to a new reader like myself. Voltor could be a place, a person, I dunno. If I presume that it's a place, WHERE and WHEN is it in relation to the first scene? I dunno those things either. Changing the visual elements from the dream to real life will help set the two locations apart, but as readers, we're going to be relying on dialogue, captions, and content to fill in the blanks.

Here's some good reading for ya:

http://www.comixtribe.com/2012/08/11/points-of-impact-week-20-play-with-matches-2/

http://www.comixtribe.com/2012/06/16/points-of-impact-week-12-then-and-back-again/

http://www.comixtribe.com/2012/05/26/points-of-impact-week-10-switching-tracks/

I hope that helps!

Mike225
11-18-2014, 11:14 PM
So, with the explanation and some revisions, we can agree that it's the best script ever.

I think that's what you're saying.