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Kiyoko, Rin
11-07-2014, 11:37 PM
I know this writing challenge ended over a year ago, but I only stumbled across this site recently, and the muse strikes when and where it will, regardless of expired deadlines.

To recap, the challenge was to include a monkey and a reference to "creamed corn" in a 5 page script.

... Taste No Evil, By Rin Kiyoko

Page 1 (6 panels).

Panel 1.
Looking over the roof of a taxi parked outside “Plate o’ NATO”, a restaurant with a neon sign, and innards capable of serving 50 people at a time. Mr Campbell-Brightly, in dining jacket, stovepipe hat, and coat, stands by the open passenger door, passing cash towards the hand protruding from the driver’s window. We can see the wedding ring on Campbell-Brightly’s left hand, and that he holds a briefcase. It’s night-time and it’s raining hard; though the restaurant has full length windows and is well lit, we can’t see much of the insides due to the gloom, glare from the off panel streetlight on the glass, and the heavy rain. We can’t even see Campbell-Brightly that well; shadows conceal just how gaunt he is.

NO COPY

Panel 2.
From a p.o.v. opposite the door, a wet Campbell-Brightly stands inside the entrance talking to the maitre d’ who checks his clipboard. Two points about the restaurant: the décor and dress code should reflect that it’s neither fabulously exclusive nor a complete dive; they can’t afford to turn down a large order, yet they’re not so desperate they’d allow Health and Safety breaches; the customers wear smart casual, the staff are formally dressed, but not to the over-the-top extent of Campbell-Brightly. Second point: they serve signature dishes from each country in NATO, so various customers in the background will be eating these.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Good evening. Reservation for Mr Campbell-Brightly.

MAITRE D’:
Thank you, sir. Table for two, I see. Can I take your hat and coat while you wait for your companion?

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Not until I’m seated. My priority is to eat, not to be dry. I’m perishingly hungry.

Panel 3.
Looking over Campbell-Brightly’s shoulder as the maitre d’ directs Tom, a smiling waiter with long, flowing moustaches standing beside him. Tom faces us, his thumb pointing back and to panel right.

MAITRE D’:
Tom, please take Mr Campbell-Brightly here to table 7. Two places, but start the orders now.

TOM:
Yeah, sure.

TOM:
It’s this way, sir.

Panel 4.
Mid shot of a small table, Tom holding the chair out for Campbell-Brightly to sit down. Campbell Brightly is removing his coat, the briefcase resting on the tabletop.

TOM:
Here you are, sir. Can I take your coat somewhere to dry off?

Panel 5.
Close up of Tom. Campbell-Brightly’s coat is draped over Tom’s arm and he’s still smiling. Tom’s other hand is held out, ready to take the hat.

TOM:
Very good. Can I also take your…

Panel 6.
Close up of Tom. Campbell-Brightly’s coat is draped over Tom’s arm and the hat is being offered from panel right but Tom isn’t staring at it or making any move to take it. He’s staring diagonally upwards, a look of utter shock on his face.

TOM:
… hat?!

Page 2 (7 panels).

Panel 1.
Conchi-chi, a cotton-top tamarin monkey, is atop Campbell-Brightly’s head, a furled cocktail umbrella in her hand as she stretches. Tom’s head at panel right is leaned back and in shock. NOTE: hide the monkey’s left hand until page 3 panel 5.

TOM:
!

Panel 2.
Front-on close up of Tom. His dumbfounded mouth is open, his shoulders are raised and while the rest of his left hand forms a fist, his left index finger and thumb are pressed together at the tips. He looks very much like someone struggling to put something into words.

NO COPY

Panel 3.
Front-on close up of Tom. His mouth is turned down, his shoulders are sagged and his left hand is now open, the palm upright, the fingers straight. He looks defeated.

NO COPY

Panel 4.
Front-on close up of Tom, whose shoulders are now turned, and his left thumb juts towards panel right.

TOM:
I’ll get the manager.

Panel 5.
High elevation, with a tilted angle looking from the front at a portly, balding, moustachioed male chef in whites, the sleeves pushed up, marching in front of Tom. The chef scowls and his posture (clenched fists, stiff arms held wide of the body) suggests determination. Tom, still holding the coat, looks apprehensive. In the background at the top of the panel, an elderly couple eat their bowl of soup. At panel right, we can see another table. We don’t have to see all, or even any of the family (thirtysomething husband and wife, 8, and 4 year old boys talking amongst themselves with full glasses but no food), just ensure the tables are there and close enough for a monkey to jump from one to the other.

CHEF:
What’s this? A monkey?!

CHEF:
Not in my restaurant!

Panel 6.
View from over the chef’s shoulder as he looks down on Campbell-Brightly.
The briefcase now lies flat and open on the table, but we can only see its back. The top hat is next to it on one side, on the other, Conchi-Chi patiently waits for Campbell-Brightly to finish plumping a palm-sized cushion on the tabletop.

CHEF:
Look, sorry Mr Campbell-Brightly, but we don’t allow animals in this restaurant.

Panel 7.
Front-on view of Campbell-Brightly staring upwards from under his eyebrows, looking firm of intent. His fingers make quote marks in the air.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
You allow guide dogs, though, I presume? It would be illegal not to, discrimination having been trumped by equal opportunities. Well, Conchi-Chi here is just that to me, my “guide dog.”

Page 3 (6 panels)

Panel 1.
View over Campbell-Brightly’s shoulder as he extends his open wallet towards the chef, who leans in to read it, frowning. Tom leans in from panel right, his expression curious. In the background on the left, the elderly man stares towards the reader in surprise, the soup spoon halfway to his startled mouth.

CHEF:
But you’re not blind.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Not visually impaired, no, but I am registered disabled, and Conchi-Chi is my licensed helper, counsellor, best friend, noreshi and, thanks to a particularly open-minded pastor in Las Vegas…

Panel 2.
View from behind Campbell-Brightly, but as his upper torso is twisted to his left, we’re seeing his flank and profile as he kisses Conchi-chi. His left arm has snaked around her waist in order to extend both their left hands forwards so that the diamond atop her wedding ring sparkles in the light and dazzles the stunned chef and Tom (whose hand mostly covers his grin). There should be comic exaggeration to how far the kissers’ lips are extended beyond themselves in order to kiss, and also the shape their lips make as they mash against each other. In the background, the soup dribbles from the outraged elderly man’s spoon.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
… my wife.

SFX: (from the kiss)
Mmm-mwuh!

Panel 3.
Front-on view from a low, skewed angle as Campbell-Brightly lectures forth, his expression firm. Use whatever mannerisms and hand gestures you think displays professorial authority (personally, I favour his index fingers pointing to the table as if to say “this right here. I’m laying down the law”). Conchi-Chi, sitting on her cushion, sends a smouldering look through her eyelashes, her hands grasping her tail in a way that, if it were a penis, would be masturbation.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Now, to business. I have a hyperactive, ever evolving immuno-digestive system. No sooner do I overcome allergies then my system resets itself, bringing brand new vulnerabilities. I have, at various times, been allergic to shellfish, gluten, nuts, red meat, carbohydrates both complex and moderately difficult, liquids, cutlery, and – thanks to an unfortunate word association – salsa music.

Panel 4.
Campbell-Brightly’s hand points to a smiling Conchi-Chi.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Which is where Conchi-Chi comes in.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
As well as sharing my blood type, she was volunteered to be impregnated with my DNA, to the point where our immune systems and bodies are now in perfect sync.

Panel 5.
Side on view of Campbell-Brightly and Conchi-Chi at first and second base. There should be comic exaggeration to the amount of saliva jetting from her mouth and the amount of motion lines around their furiously colliding tongues. The chef looks angry.

Campbell-Brightly:
In every way!

CHEF:
Stop that right now!

Panel 6.
Campbell-Brightly’s point of view as he removes a notepad and fountain pen from the inside-lid of the top half of his briefcase. We cannot see the bottom half. Held in place by a band against the inside of the top are monkey-sized cutlery implements, a calculator, and a paperback book titled “Calories”. Chef’s scowling eyes can be seen over the briefcase.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
The point being, she will taste my food to see if it is palatable to me. Send us two plates of every dish you sell, along with their recipes, and two glasses of mineral-free mineral water.

CHEF:
Why would I possibly violate Health and Safety by serving a wild animal in my restaurant?

Page 4 (7 panels)

Panel 1.
Campbell-Brightly’s point of view. He has swivelled the briefcase around so the open lid faces the chef. Put in a swivel line if you think it needed. Chef’s eyes, seen over the briefcase, are wide.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Firstly: Conchi-Chi isn’t wild. She was born in captivity, is vaccinated twice yearly, and showered before she came here. She is disease free. There are no health and safety issues.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
And secondly…

Panel 2.
Close up of the open briefcase. The lower half is half full of neatly stacked cash. We’re not looking at a drug-deal-amount of money, but it’s still a remarkable amount to spend for two people at a restaurant, maybe enough for a restaurant’s entire night’s takings.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
… I have money. If I find a meal I can digest without reactions, it’s all yours. At the very least I’ll be ordering – and paying for – two of every dish. I’m perishingly hungry.

Panel 3.
View from behind and to the side of Campbell-Brightly. The chef places a bowl of soup on the table. From the trail of spillage coming from the bowl, the motion line tracing its arc, the ghosted image of the chef ‘s face beaming at the elderly gentleman in the background and the motion line linking it to the chef’s image in the foreground, and the shocked expression on the elderly man’s face, we can see the chef has swiped the soup from their table and offered it to Campbell-Brightly. Conchi-Chi leans forwards, wafting the aroma towards her nose.

CHEF: {To be placed in the foreground}
Then let’s begin!

CHEF: {To be placed by the ghosted image}
Hitherehopeyoulikeyourmealmayiborrowthisplease, thankyouverymuch!

CHEF: {To be placed in the foreground}
Here, try the soup!

SFX: {by Conchi-Chi’s nose}
Snff!

Panel 4.
Close up of Conchi-Chi’s grimacing face.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY (OP):
No good. Next dish!

Panel 5.
Close up from the side of Conchi-Chi, eyes closed, head tilted back, pinching her nose shut with her one hand while her other pushes a plate of spaghetti and meatballs away. A monkey-sized fork protrudes from the bowl. A string of spaghetti dangles from her mouth.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY (OP):
Mamma Mia, that was a spicy meatball. Next dish!

Panel 6.
In the forefront of the panel, Conchi-Chi’s hand slaps away a bowl, which is tilted in mid-air with creamed corn spilling out and an impact burst where hand connects with porcelain. Conchi-Chi’s head is tilted so far back her chin points upright with only her protruding tongue extending higher. Her other hand clutches her throat.

SFX: {from the bowl}
Smack!

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY (OP):
Egads, no! According to your recipe…

Panel 7.
Not sure what angle will best achieve it, but we need to see both Campbell-Brightly’s panicked face, with sweat forming at his brow (this might have to be an inset), and that he holds a recipe scrunched up in one hand, while his fountain-pen-holding-other-hand has underlined some madly scribbled calculations on his notepad.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
… you used double, heavy, uber-cream in the creamed corn! Her calorie intake! Her sugar levels! She cannot take anymore…

Page 5 (3 panels).

Panel 1.
Polyptych of Conchi-Chi leaping all over the interior of the restaurant. Starting from Campbell-Brightly’s table at the bottom of the panel and linked by motion lines, she: 1) leaps past Tom’s face, ripping his moustache off as she passes. Tom is doubled over, eyes scrunched in pain. The chef, next to him, is horrified. 2) Snatches a whole trout from the family’s table. The parents are shocked, the boys grin hugely, loving it. 3) Slaps the elderly gent with the trout. His dentures fly out of his mouth in a shower of spittle and broken-off fish. The elderly woman cups her face in horror. 4) Smashes the trout against a pot of coffee on a tray held by a waitress. More trout flesh flakes off at the impact. The waitress winces as the coffee spills on her hands. 5) Has her trout blocked by a scowling middle aged man using his baguette as a quarterstaff. The trout has lost almost all its flesh by now and is mostly skeleton. 6) Stands at the topmost table holding her fish-skeleton aloft like a simian He-Man. There are several customers cowering behind their tables, just their nervous eyes visible over the cloth.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY (OP):
…she’s gonna blow!

TOM:
Arggh!!

SFX: {from every impact}
Thwack!

ELDERLY MAN:
Hrgh!

FEMALE WAITER:
Yeow!

SFX: {from the scalding coffee}
Hsst!

CONCHI-CHI:
Ou-ahh-ahh!!

Panel 2.
A serene Campbell-Brightly holds his hand aloft to pacify the angry faces of all the customers and staff who crowd around his table. We’re looking from behind and to the side of his shoulder.

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
It’s alright, I have money.

Panel 3.
Profile views of Campbell-Brightly, who leans in close to whisper conspiratorially (hand raised to the side of his mouth to shield it from view) to the chef, who points furiously off panel (to the exit).

CAMPBELL-BRIGHTLY:
Perhaps we’ve overstayed our welcome. We’ll take two bananas, to go.

CHEF:
Two bananas…

CHEF (burst):
… then split!

Schuyler
12-19-2014, 08:09 PM
Hey, Kiyoko, Rin

I read this script and was angry when I got to the punchline. I could not think of a constructive way to tell you that at the time.

I never had a problem with your panel descriptions being too long. The script itself seems to be in order. In fact, I am really impressed with the movement in the panels.

It seems like a really well written script but it lacks story. I hope this is helpful.

-Schuyler

SamRoads
12-21-2014, 09:57 PM
Weird, but accomplished. Are you a fan of Chew? Something of the same sense of humour I'll warrant?

I think with Chew style art, I might find this interesting. It's a little awkward as a plot because bestiality is illegal and for many, immoral. But we have stories about heartless assassins in other scripts, so I don't see a problem with this.

Like your Sandman script, I didn't find anyone or anything in it to root for. I wasn't emotionally engaged. I'd like to see more of your writing.

Have you seen my post on a comic writing group?

gmartyt
12-22-2014, 01:55 AM
You essentially have three different plots here: a man is married to a monkey, a man uses a monkey to taste his food and a monkey wrecks a restaurant. The problem is that none of these things really have anything to do with the others. It may help to focus on just one of these.

Hope this helps.

Kiyoko, Rin
12-22-2014, 02:56 AM
Thanks for the feedback, guys! I kinda feel guilty I had to whine / guilt you all into commenting, but hey ho, whatever gets you to the dance...

Schuyler - you're right, it does lack story, mainly because my sole interest for this was to take a monkey and add creamed corn within 5 pages. Using that as my only criteria, I'm content on an ideas level (maybe not a storytelling level.) And the punchline would probably have annoyed me too; if I had anything stronger, I would have gone with that. John Cleese, of Monty Python / Fawlty Towers fame, said there there were only two ways he'd found to end a sketch: say, "that's the end of the sketch," and then walk off, or have a foot come down and squash the scene. My feeble pun is, imo, at least "better" than THOSE options. As to whether or not it's funny is, of course, a matter of (ahem) taste...

SamRoads - to be honest, I've never heard of Chew, but I'll definitely look into (his? her?) work, so thanks for the heads up. I did read your post about a comics writing group, and would be happy to join.

Gmartyt - it does help, thanks.

Kiyoko, Rin
12-22-2014, 03:22 AM
Oh good God!

I've just read the wiki entry for Chew - and it's completely invalidated my screenplay! One my characters has gastroptimancy, the ability to divine the future from eating food, an ability I thought I was being oh so original in creating. Turns out, that ship sailed, like, 6 years ago and I'm now derivative! That's eight months' work down the pan!

...Aw, sod it. I'll try and sell it anyway. If Hunger Games can exist alongside Battle Royale, then maybe I can get away with it, too.