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AtomoSK
10-26-2014, 09:55 AM
Hello, I am looking for "Constructive criticism" about a script i had not finished for a contest. I'm looking for what i did right,and what i did wrong. I am not looking for a "THIS IS HORRIBLE" or a "have you ever written before?" , more on the lines of "it's OK , but you could have done this..." or "a few places you could improve". The fact of the matter is i have not been writing in this format very long and I'm pushing to become better every day.

I am linking to an unfinished 8 page script i was doing for the Darby pop publishing script contest. I was unable to finish because of job issues but i would like some feed back on the amount that u was able to finsh as well as
-format
-dialogue
-grammar
-flow

I am not opposed to negative feedback, however i do ask that you keep it respectful please.

DISCLAIMER: THIS SCRIPT IS UNFINISHED! there may be some misspelled or misplaced words, and the format may not be fleshed out all of the way. So i understand if you do not want to take the time to critique something that isn't finished.

EDIT: i have removed the link and posted the entire script

Stingray- Wavelength
By:
22 page Comic-Book script for Darby Pop's Script Contest
Revised: 10/20/14

WRITING NOTES
The L.O.D (League of Defenders) appear in this story, however upon research I became aware that not all of the Leagues "current" members were present during STINGRAY'S time with them; And out of the "'powered" people I am aware of in the series I've confirmed that Gaia, Power Princess, The Mighty, and IRON GIANT were members during STINGRAY's time. I'm uncertain about blender, but positive that Atlantis wasn't currently a member. The team that I have assembled that were present during STINGRAY's time with the league are as followed.
The Mighty
Iron Giant
Princess Power
Gaia


CHARACTER NOTES

STINGRAY: I have taken it upon myself to give stingray the name "Sarah Ray'Lynn" as I could not find any source of what her actual name is. This is not permanent, and if my script is chosen I will change it if necessary. Also, Stingray will be narrating a good amount in this book.

STINGRAY (11 YEARS): stingray as a little girl is shown in the first few pages of the script. She can wear normal attire (I.e.: jeans, white-dingy T-shirt, shorter hair then her present self)


STINGRAY(TEEN): This version of stingray shows up as the story progresses, she has "matured" and has found her personality. Her appearance should display a "hip" and "popular" teen girl as this is the time in her life where she had taken advantage of her powers and began climbing the charts at her school as the star swimmer. She should more resemble her present self but still have a few differences.

STINGRAY's FATHER: Simply depicted as a drunkard and a hasbin . Once a wealthy bank teller, he wears a dirty dark blue suit, has short black hair.



ART/LETTERING NOTES
((NOTE): When Sarah begins narrating, her caption boxes may look well with a black base with white writing and a "S" to signify that it's her speaking?)












PAGE ONE-ENTIRE PAGE
This page is a mid shot of a 8-year-old stingray, laying on her back on dirt, under water. This should be from the readers POV. There should be male hands on her shoulders that should look as if their being held under. Stingray's expression is very dismal, she shouldn't seem scared or distressed but more on the lines of "why is this happening?". She should also display a "childlike innocence" that her present self seems to have long lost.

1.CAP(STINGRAY):"I lied to a complete stranger once. I told him that i discovered my powers by trying to drown myself."

2.CAP(STINGRAY):"Albeit may not have been the most appropriate "pillow talk", but it came up. The truth is..."

3.CAP(STINGRAY):"I discovered my powers by being drowned--"

4.CAP(STINGRAY):"--By my father.."










PAGE TWO-SEVEN PANELS

PANEL ONE
This panel, and the two after it are a close up of a side profile of STINGRAY's face while she's being held under water. In this shot her eyes are wide open, and she's staring at the male (her father) whose hands are still pressed against her shoulders holding her under(his hands should be 90% off panel).

1.CAP(STINGRAY): "My mother had died the year before, I guess the grief drove him to drink and, drinking drove him to beat me. One day he was so wasted he drug me out to the pond behind the house babbling on about Bull$#!% and forced my head under water."

2. CAP(STINGRAY): "you would think I'd remember feeling afraid, or maybe even angry. But the only thing I felt, was tired. So tired of being beaten every night, so tired of being stuck in that crap house wishing it was all just over!"

PANEL TWO
This panel is the same shot, the difference being that STINGRAY's eyes have now began to close, being about the half way point.

1. CAP(STINGRAY): "I wanted it to be over so bad,... and then it hit me..."

PANEL THREE
Same shot as before, but STINGRAY's eyes are now completely closed.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): "and I let go"

PANEL FOUR
This panel, also like the two after it is an aerial shot. It looks down on the pond behind STINGRAY's childhood home from a tree's height. It's mid day and in the shot is STINGRAY's house (mostly off panel to the left), and a rough visual of STINGRAY's father standing knee-deep in the pond (not too much detail on the father is needed).

1.CAP(STINGRAY): "I laid there waiting. waiting for all of it to be over."

PANEL FIVE
This is the same view from the previous panel, however STINGRAY's father has now walked out of the pond and back toward the house. The time of day has shifted to sunset.

1. CAP(STINGRAY) :" it seemed like forever..."

PANEL SIX
Same shot, the time of day has changed to-night. The panel is empty (no characters present)

PANEL SEVEN
This panel moved back into the pond underwater. It is an extreme close-up of STINGRAY, her eyes are snapped open and really the only thing in the panel.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): "...Because it was"




PAGE THREE-FOUR PANELS
PANEL ONE
This panel is a front shot, STINGRAY is raising out of the water harshly, splashing and gasping for air; Her face should display anguish and panic.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): Thirteen Hours later, that fear of not being able to breathe smacked me in the face. my basic instinct to survive sent a surge of adrenaline through my entire body.

` 2. CAP(STINGRAY): i was alive

PANEL TWO
In this panel the angle should shift to a mid shot from behind STINGRAY. She's on her knees with her hands stretched out in-front of her with her looking at them.

"1.CAP(STINGRAY): I really couldn't explain it , but when i came out of the water...i felt different...

2.CAP(STINGRAY): for the first time in my life...i felt strong

PANEL THREE
In this panel the shot moves to the inside of the house. It's a long shot starting from the opposite end of the couch of the family room where STINGRAY's FATHER is passed out with a bottle in his hands. The shot should look down a hallway where STINGRAY is standing soaking wet.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): i suppose the old bastard thought he dreamt it...because when he saw me the next day alive and kicking he acted like it never happened...

PANEL FOUR
This panel zooms in on STINGRAY's face, she's expressing light anger and staring in her father's direction with a heavy glare.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): ...but it did.

2.CAP(STINGRAY): and I wasn't going to let it happen again
















PAGE FIVE-FIVE PANELS
PANEL ONE
This panel is a mid shot from behind the main subjects, which are two police officers escorting STINGRAY's father out of his house.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): I know I was lucky. I know had it not been for my powers he would have killed me that day. It was more than just taking a beating, now it was about survival.

PANEL TWO
This panel zooms out to an aerial shot, that shows the entire area of STINGRAY's front yard to the start of the street. The cops are walking with STINGRAY's FATHER down the house walkway toward a police car parked on the street and, STINGRAY is standing at the end of the walkway with a woman in a pants-suit.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): so I did what i had to. one call to CPS and I was taken away from that place. that hell

PANEL THREE
This shot is a somewhat "over the shoulder" view, a close up on STINGRAYS FATHER looking back at Stingray . He is being prepared to be placed in the back on the police car. Stingray is in the background, but isn't looking at him holding the social workers hand

CAP(STINGRAY): they took my father away too. to somewhere he could never hurt me again. the social worker held my hand the entire time while the cops put my father in the back of a squads car. "don't be sad " she said...



PANEL FOUR
This is a close up of STINGRAY, her hair hanging down into her face hiding it.

CAP(STINGRAY): but in that moment...I had never been happier

PANEL FIVE
A closer zoom in on STINGRAY's face revealing that she's smiling.
















PAGE SIX+SEVEN-NINE PANELS
I have an special request for this panel, I'd like to see a "tapestry" style page; Each panel will be a stage in STINGRAY'S life leading up to her recruitment into the league. The way i would like to portray this is by each panel on this spread being different pieces of a shape that all fit together with the middle cut out, the middle will be the final panel where there will be an image of STINGRAY(in her current state). I plan to have the good times of her life on the left, while the bad on the right. And i would like the panels to follow each other. For instance panel one might be "STINGRAY graduates college, she's holding her diploma in the air " and panel five which should be directly across from it in some way would be " STINGRAY ends up homeless after succumbing to her student loans".Contact me if you don't quite understand.

PANEL ONE
This is a long shot, of STINGRAY at 8 years old standing in the middle of a room with lots of children. This is the foster home she was put into when she was taken away from her dad. There are children crowded around her all with bright smiles. One little boy in particular is engaged in conversation with her. Stingray should have a timid stance in the room and a shy smile.

ARTIST NOTE: have 5 of the kids in the room be in the position to have word bubbles attached.

1.LITTLE BOY: Hi. What's your name?

2.STINGRAY:...s-sarah

3. THE REST OF THE KIDS:(Loud Burst) Hi Sarah!!

4.CAP(STINGRAY): I was actually put into a rather nice Foster home, although i didn't stay t there that long. I had a lot of friends, and a lot of people liked me. it felt good to be liked...to be wanted.


PANEL TWO
This panel is also a long shot, from the point of view of someone looking through the window of a house into the owners dining room. Through the window there should be a family sitting at the table eating dinner. There are two adults (wife and husband) on the left and right sides and STINGRAY is sitting in the center which should place her facing the window. STINGRAY and her foster mother are engaged in seemingly enjoyable conversation by the looks on their faces and, their father should have a smug smile while eating.


1.CAP(STINGRAY): The Bryers were nice too. They adopted me only two months after i arrived at the foster home. while the paperwork was being filled they came and visited me every day. they made me feel like their daughter, and gave me time to accept them as my parents.

PANEL THREE
This is a mid shot of STINGRAY(Teenage) walking down a school hallway. she is walking with two other girls that are on each side of her. She should have a big smile looking at the one to her right. NOTE: the girl on STINGRAYS right side should have a fair amount of detail, as she will appear again in panel seven.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): they put me in a nice school, i made more friends, even found a best one.


PANEL FOUR
This panel is a deep focus shot. where there is a close-up of STINGRAY in full swimwear (competitive style) cutting through the water in mid paddle. Behind her the rest of the pool is visible and should show she's in the lead (3-5 other swimmer a good distance behind her.) the pool is set up competitively (5-9 lanes). Outside the pool on the deck there is a crowd of people (small crowd) and two couches (white shirt, blue shorts, and a whistle maybe a hat) watching and everyone else is in a cheering pose.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): by the time i got use to school i had already experimented with my "abilities", discovered i could do a lot more than just hold my breath. i could swim, some would even say fast. it was like being in the water made me more fish than human. i took my schools swim team to nationals, twice.


PANEL FIVE
In this panel there's a long shot of STINGRAY and other members of the female swim team gathered in the locker room along with a coach. The young girl from panel three is pointing at Stingray with an aggressive expression. STINGRAY is standing behind the coach with a hurt look. All the girls should be in swimwear aside from the coach.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): everything seemed to be going wonderful

2.YOUNBG GIRL: she's a freak! she told me!

3.CAP(STINGRAY): until it wasn't...

PANEL SIX
This should be an over the shoulder shot of STINGRAY looking at a news paper. The front page should show a large picture of her and the headline should read "SWIM STAR MUTANT CHEATS IT'S WAY TO GLORY!".

1.CAP(STINGRAY): my best friend had ratted my powers out to the school board, and after that I was tested positive for being a mutant. i was kicked off the team and, expelled from school.


PANEL SEVEN
This panel is a front shot, STINGRAY is sitting on a couch in the living room in her foster parents house (facing the reader) her head hung low and a sad expression on her face. Her parents are standing on each side of her (have them mostly OP, like from the waist down.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): and my "oh so loving" foster parents couldn't stand the fact that the young girl they had allowed into their home was a little more damaged than they were willing to accept. so they sent me back...

2.CAP(STINGRAY): like a bad shirt...or a pet. like all the family dinners, the parent teacher conferences meant nothing...and they didn't want me anymore. no one did.

PANEL EIGHT
This panel should be a remake of panel one, the difference being that the kids are all trying to stay away from her (the kids are now her age and are slightly fewer in number than previously displayed.). STINGRAY should be standing in the middle her sad and depressed look should now have a flare of rage in it.

1.CAP(STINGRAY): the foster home wasn't any different. having my name and photo in the paper had half the city calling me a freak. not even the social worker who saved me from my father would come near me. i was a pariah, sinking under the weight of all that...betrayal

2.CAP(STINGRAY): ...i began to wish i had drowned

Steven Forbes
10-26-2014, 10:26 AM
Well, here's the thing.

Links suck. Most people won't click it, because they're wary--as they should be.

Post it here. That's what it's there for.

A few other things:

I have no problem at all in looking at unfinished scripts. However, if you have a problem with grammar, spelling, and format--things that are totally within your realm of control--then you're not ready and shouldn't be showing this to anyone.

Format is simple.

Spelling and grammar is totally within your control. Saying that it's unfinished is code for "I'm lazy and I don't care." Fix it first.

There's a difference between grammar and comic book grammar. Comic book grammar is something learned. Regular grammar was learned in school. You don't have to be an expert, but you should know the difference in how certain things are said and done. Writers are also readers. Remember that. If there are a lot of mistakes, then we're looking to see where the mistakes are instead of what the story's about and what can be fixed in it.

Anyway, post it here. You'll have a better chance of others commenting instead of being ignored. I'm not saying that there will be guaranteed comments, but you're giving yourself a better chance if you do.

Hope that helps.

AtomoSK
10-26-2014, 10:33 AM
appreciate the advice, and will take it.

Merano
10-27-2014, 01:59 PM
STINGRAY: I have taken it upon myself to give stingray the name "Sarah Ray'Lynn" as I could not find any source of what her actual name is. This is not permanent, and if my script is chosen I will change it if necessary. Also, Stingray will be narrating a good amount in this book.


Just a minor note: Stingray was referred to as "Kelly" by her ex-boyfriend in the original series.

Steven Forbes
10-27-2014, 04:34 PM
Really?

If you can't be bothered to use proper capitalization, I can't be bothered to read this.

Remember when I said "unfinished" is code for "I'm lazy"? Not using capitalization is the height of laziness. I don't even see why you used punctuation.

Writers are readers.

Steven Forbes
10-28-2014, 12:26 AM
My bad.

The punctuation is spotty, too.

The punctuation. You know, that thing you learned in elementary school, that said all sentences end in punctuation, usually a period.

There are missing periods here.

I don't see how there's any excuse or "defending" the fact that the capitalization punctuation are spotty. This is elementary.

It seems like I'm a jerk who came out of nowhere. I get it. But understand this: how is someone supposed to take you seriously if you have capitalization and punctuation problems? How is someone supposed to say "fix your pacing" when all they can see is that you haven't learned the basics of capitalization and punctuation?

Your best bet is to fix this. Fix what you know is wrong first, make it at least look as though you tried, and I'll go over it myself.

AtomoSK
10-28-2014, 01:14 AM
You don't seem like an jerk at all, this is what I was looking for. I'm looking for straight forward advice and you've given it.

I appreciate it a lot.

Robert_S
10-28-2014, 10:07 PM
It seems like I'm a jerk who came out of nowhere. I get it. But understand this: how is someone supposed to take you seriously if you have capitalization and punctuation problems? How is someone supposed to say "fix your pacing" when all they can see is that you haven't learned the basics of capitalization and punctuation?


A blunt critique is better than a mocking one.

Comics Commando
10-29-2014, 04:00 AM
I seem to get to these after Steven has already commented. I just don't get to this site as often as I may like. I have too many deadlines that prevent me from free time, in general. To be frank, I didn't read the top post--I generally scroll down to the comments. If it's a thumbs-up, I may read it depending on time. But I see Steven's comments and he and I have seen eye-to-eye in the past on all matters of writing. He may seem harsh to some lurkers on this site, but I'd probably be a harder case.

I get the "jerk" label all the time....but I don't have a 20-year rep in pro comics by being easy on myself. I took a cursory look above and Steven is right on all counts. If you want to be taken seriously, ya gotta get serious about your work--and your presentation. Too many folks on this site [and at conventions] are what Steven says: LAZY. Don't be one of them. There're too many of them already, and being so won't make your work stand out. Take his advice and fix the work. You should have done so before posting. Just as you'd expect an artist to know proper anatomy, perspective, storytelling -- you should know punctuation, grammar, and dynamic dialogue.

A while back I wrote a comics format guide that may help you in your rewrite. It outlines how to present your script. Included is a "common mistakes" section that may help you polish your work. I letter tons of comics each year and I see hundreds of pro scripts...so I distilled some advice down to a few pages of observations on pro presentation.

get it here:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/dg4cdb6xwgy5cec/Comics_Script_Format_101_2011__.pdf

It's free to anyone reading this. Download it and look it over.



Best,

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio

Lettering / Logos / Fonts / Pre-Press / Page Design / Motion Graphics
for Print or Web / Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

Comics Commando
10-29-2014, 04:02 AM
Another link:
an article I wrote on series bibles.

May be a help to someone reading this post.

http://forum.webcomicscommunity.com/index.php?topic=868.0




Best,

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio

Lettering / Logos / Fonts / Pre-Press / Page Design / Motion Graphics
for Print or Web / Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

Robert_S
10-29-2014, 02:20 PM
A while back I wrote a comics format guide that may help you in your rewrite. It outlines how to present your script. Included is a "common mistakes" section that may help you polish your work. I letter tons of comics each year and I see hundreds of pro scripts...so I distilled some advice down to a few pages of observations on pro presentation.

get it here:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/dg4cdb6xwgy5cec/Comics_Script_Format_101_2011__.pdf

It's free to anyone reading this. Download it and look it over.


I do something similar to be methodical and consistent:

PANEL #

Room: Describe the room independent of any action happening. Often, you only need to do this once at the start of a page, but if the scene is more dynamic and moving from room to room or a chase down the road, you'll need to include more.

Shot/Panel: size of the panel, angle of shot, fov, etc.

What is happening in the panel. Describe the action/picture.

Then comes SFX and dialog.