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Noble Messenger
10-14-2014, 04:23 AM
Hello, I'm posting here again but this is a script I actively do what to make a reality. Currently I'm 13 pages into what I plan to be a 32 page comic for the first issue which is apart of a 3 issue chapter. Now let me get into what Tom and Artie is.

PITCH
-Tommy 'Tom' Sunshine Bliss and Artie Artillery are two inter-dimensional beings with an interesting line of work, mercenaries for hire. Tom (an anthromorphic unicorn from a cutie dimension) and Artie (a 1940s style black and white cartoon cat/dog from a toon dimension) bounce from dimension to dimension taking jobs that require protection, assassination or the occasional bodyguard duty. The comic is meant to be a homage to buddy cop duos such as Sam and Max along with the feel of a saturday morning cartoon. Large weapons, zany characters, plenty of explosions and violence await in the world of Tom and Artie.

SCRIPT PREVIEW

PAGE 1 (FIVE PANELS)
Panel 1: We’re greeted to an aerial view of Tom and Artie tied up in two chairs back to back in the middle of a pitch black room. The only source of light is a ceiling lamp shining down on them, the Unicorn has his usual pissed off expression while Artie has his toothy smile plastered on looking over his shoulder.

Panel 2: A shot of the 1940s toon opening his mouth to speak. He knows that Tom isn’t going to want a chat right now but anything would be better than sitting there in silence! There’s not much else they can do anyway!
1 Artie: Soo….Tom-

Panel 3: Tom opens his mouth, the gruff anthromorphic mercenary unicorn has been stripped of his body armor reduce to a gray muscle shirt and black cargo pants. Five o’clock shadow on his white coat and horn with a burned tip. Just when things couldn’t get worse for him now he had to listen to his partner talk….oh that wasn’t going to happen now!
2 Tom: Artie, why do you hate me?

Panel 4: Another view of Artie who looks taken back by the question, his head reared to the side slightly in his bonds. A helmet strap hanging loosely from his M1 as he responds.
3 Artie: What?! Tom, I don’t hate you!!! Why would you-

Panel 5: Tom’s expression hasn’t changed still looking bored as ever waiting for what’s to come. At least he knows he can chew out his partner for getting them into this mess.
4 Tom: We’re tied up in a dark room, Artie….
5 Tom: This is maybe the FIFTH time this has happened to us….
6 Tom: Once again it’s because of something you did….

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L1kFUgWRHB-MwblT5l_yutwYs9kNcP4aYCAgfAqQy2s/edit - rest of the script so far

I'd love to get any feedback to this as I can. Personally I was going to do a big re-write and get rid of half the pages there, I feel like the interrogation has been carrying on for far too long.

Open to the criticism, give me your best and let me know what's wrong. I want to make this a reality one day.

Steven Forbes
10-14-2014, 04:45 AM
Too wordy. You're giving info that can't be drawn, and that will never be seen.

Sounds interesting, though.

You can shoot me an email if you want. We can talk about how to clean this up and make it something an artist can actually use.

Noble Messenger
10-14-2014, 08:33 AM
Thank you, Steven, I shot you an email and I look forward to hearing from you.