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Noble Messenger
09-01-2014, 03:49 PM
Hello everyone, I'm new to the comic script writing scene. Before I actually got started on any of my projects I wanted to write out a small action script that has spanned 13 pages so far. I'll post up the first few and feedback is welcomed on it, this isn't some official project I'm doing but more to get my writing vibe and a feel for script format. I'm posting to get feedback on my writing style and what I should improve for scripts.

PAGE 1
Panel 1 – We’re given an overhead shot of 4 men walking through a forest. Middle of the night, they keep close in a small spread formation. We can’t get a clear view of their clothing but it is apparent they’re armed.
1 Soldier1: “Any sign of it?”
1 Soldier2: “Negative, where the hell did it disappear to?”

Panel 2 – Finally get a full view of the soldiers, all wearing long brown overcoats clutching some form of bullpup assault rifle. Their faces obscured by large visors radiating a red glow in the darkness. Still locked in their search formation, rifles raised, one soldier stepping over a fallen tree while the others move around it.

Panel 3 – View of a soldier from the front with one slightly in the shot behind him
3 Soldier1: “Still nothing on my scanner. Damn thing was running from us a second ago, how the hell do we lose track of something that big?!”

Panel 4 – A wide panel where we finally get a view of their supposed target. The target is hunched down against the base of a tree wearing a hooded cloak, in its hands are two smoothbore pistols and the hands clutching it only have four large fingers. The target is obviously not human. The four soldiers are seen at opposite sides of the tree in the panel, two on both sides unaware of the ambush they’re walking into.
4 Soldier4: “Just keep looking, it couldn’t have gotten far”

PAGE 2
Panel 1 – Target emerged from the tree’s cover, firing both pistols sending out beams of white energy. Two of the soldiers are caught by the beams. Shot is from a side view, we have a partial view of the Target with the two soldiers in frame. One shot through the head while the other gets hit in the stomach.
1 Soldier3: AAARGH!!!!!!!

Panel 2 – The remaining two raise the rifles, the panel is half lit by muzzle flash.
2 Soldier1: “OPEN FIRE!!!!”

Panel 3 – The wounded soldier is holding his stomach while the Target is breaking into the woods in the background. Stray shots busting through the woods as their objective is seemingly chased off.

Panel 4 – Soldier2 is down on his knee tending to his wounded comrade while the other still has rifle pointed forward. The fourth soldier can slightly be seen in frame with a smoldering hole in his visor.
4 Soldier2: “Command, we’ve engaged the Target but it’s broken off deep into the forest. We’ve got one KIA and another wounded, requesting med-evac.”
4 Command – “Alpha, say again, you engaged the target and it escaped?”

Panel 5 – Soldier1 has his rifle lowered looking over at Soldier2 who currently has his finger pressed to his ear.
5 Soldier2: “Yes it escaped! It shot Dawkins and Wash before we chased it off!!! Damn thing is Northbound! Listen if you want us to keep going after this thing we’re going to-“
5 Command: “Your evac is on the way, Alpha, you’re being pulled out”

PAGE 3
Panel 1 – A closer shot of Soldier2’s visor. He’s taken back by the orders, the Target just took down two of his men and here Command is saying the unthinkable.
1 Soldier2: “Command?”
1 Command: “Your mission has come to an end, Alpha”

Panel 2 – Takes up the rest of the page. The outlines of a large mech are seen in the darkness, its features well masked except for a pair of glowing red eyes.
2 Command: “Heavy Support will take over from here”

PAGE 4
Panel 1 – The Target has his back pressed against another tree pistols raised at both sides of its head. Facial features still shrouded by the darkness of the hood but its fingers have light grey fur. Its body tensed up trying to peek out at the path behind it.

Panel 2 – A shot of the woods, nothing but pure black with only the trees visible. There are a set of loud footsteps coming from the abyss, ‘FWOMP, FWOMP’

Panel 3 – The Target moves its head back against the tree lowering its pistols.

Panel 4 – Small box. A close shot of the Target’s hands holding the pistols.

Panel 5 – Small box. The pistols dissipate in a white light

Panel 6 – Small box. Light seems to become longer and Target grips it

Panel 7 – Wide shot. Light has become a stylized flintlock-like rifle in the Target’s hands.

PAGE 5
Panel 1 – Target raises the rifle to its shoulder, side view shot as it steadies itself preparing for what’s approaching

Panel 2 – A first person view showing the end point of the Target’s rifle and the hand gripping it. Pointed out into the forest with ‘FWOMP FWOMP FWOMP’ signifying the source is drawing closer

Panel 3 – Shot of the Target’s large finger on the trigger with ‘FWOMP FWOMP FWOMP FWOMP’ in the text, prepping to fire at the first sign of its long awaited enemy

Panel 4 – Dark forest seen once more as the footstep makes its last ‘FWOMP…..’ trailing off and stopping

Panel 5 – Target lowers its rifle slightly confused at the sudden stop.

Panel 6 – A crack to the right side catches the Target’s attention. The viewpoint is from the front seeing it shift its head to the new sound

PAGE 6
Panel 1 – A large metallic fist breaks through the darkness heading straight for the Target. The fist takes up the panel leaving the viewer unable to see who it belongs to, only small views of the trees and chips of wood could be seen with it.

Panel 2 – The Target’s eye wide in pure surprise. This is the first vague look we get of its appearance revealing a yellow eye with black pupils and fur around the eyes. Viewer is able to determine that it is some type of animal.

Panel 3 – Impact shot! Finally able to get a look at the attacker revealing a large mech. Red eyes giving off a vibrant goal. The Target has taken the hit flying back, edges of its hood are coming down revealing a canine-like snout.

Panel 4 – Wide shot as the Target’s body flies through the forest.

Panel 5 – The Target goes right through a thick branch breaking it apart sending splinters everywhere. An audible impact as the Target’s hands gain some scratches from the hit.

Panel 6 – Target lands right in a mud pit with a thick splash, water rising up all around it.

PAGE 7
Panel 1 – The Mech is seen standing at the edge of the mud pit, right by the tree that the Target was punched through. This is the first full view we receive of the Mech’s design. Bipedal build, dull brown armor, a humanoid style head with the white facepaint design of a skull on it giving the red eyes a more menacing addition. A large cannon is nestled on its left shoulder concentrated down at the Target while its hands hold a large caliber assault rifle. The Target is seen from a behind view standing up, its hood has finally come off revealing a set of pointed ears laid back.
1 Mech Pilot: “I can’t say I’m surprised you survived that punch.”

Panel 2 – Takes up the rest of the page with a full reveal of the Target. An anthromorphic canine being, its head is like that of a Great Maned Wolf while its fur is color a dulled down silver now caked with mud. It down in a combat stance, digigrade legs embedded into the muddy water while its teeth are bared and eyes narrowed. It has a marking on its forehead looking like the initials ‘IC’ with the C backwards along with a line running down it. The marking appears to be burned into its forehead.
2 Mech Pilot: “Good. Would’ve made my job too easy.”

crognus
09-01-2014, 06:16 PM
[QUOTE=Noble Messenger;1834097]
PAGE 1
Panel 1 – We’re given an overhead shot of 4 men walking through a forest. Middle of the night, they keep close in a small spread formation. We can’t get a clear view of their clothing but it is apparent they’re armed.

1 Soldier1: “Any sign of it?”There's no need to put quotes, otherwise how are you going to tell the letterer when you actually want quotes to appear in the bubble?
2 Soldier2: “Negative, where the hell did it disappear to?”

Good job making sure to mention the time of day and giving some sort of angle. There's some missing information, however, what kind of forest? There's many different kinds around the world, which would completely change the scene.

When you say we can't get a clear view of their clothing, I assume you mean they are silhouttes? If so, I would still mention what kind of clothing they are wearing to the artist. It will affect the outline, and it would help him/her out.

Panel 2 – Finally get a full view of the soldiers, all wearing long brown overcoats clutching some form of bullpup assault rifle. Their faces are obscured by large visors radiating a red glow in the darkness. They are still locked in their search formation with their rifles raised. One soldier is stepping over a fallen tree while the others move around it.

NO COPY

Panel 3 – View of a Soldier1 in the foreground, with another one behind him in the background.

3 Soldier1: “There's still nothing on my scanner. Damn thing was running from us a second ago. How the hell do we lose track of something that big?!”

Panel 4 – A wide panel where we finally get a view of their supposed target. The target is hunched down against the base of a tree wearing a hooded cloak, in its hands are two smoothbore pistols and the hands clutching it only have four large fingers. The target is obviously not human. Well what does he look like? I would suggest just giving the creature a name and putting the description before the script. That way you can work out the design with the artist beforehand, since there isn't enough information. Describing what he DOESN'T look like, doesn't describe what he DOES look like.The four soldiers are seen at opposite sides of the tree in the panel, two on both sides unaware of the ambush they’re walking into.I'm a little confused by the positioning here. If both the soldiers are on opposite ends of the tree, how do the not see the creature standing at the base of the tree?

4 Soldier4: “Just keep looking, it couldn’t have gotten far.”

Noble Messenger
09-04-2014, 02:16 AM
Thanks for the feedback crognus, I see that when I write scripts I'm gonna need to be more descriptive and give a better idea of what's going on. Also re-reading them obviously wouldn't hurt at all.

Thanks for the feedback

RichieD
09-13-2014, 11:48 PM
It's pretty obvious that you've thought through this story. You've done a good job of giving the reader just enough information at the right times to make sense of it, but holding back enough to make it interesting. And I get the sense that this is a well developed world with consistent rules.

A fairly decent rule of thumb is that the more action you have on a page, the fewer panels you should have on that page (gives the artist more room to draw the action better). Which is to say, I'd probably take page 2, panels 4 and 5 and move them to be the first two panels of page 3.

I think in general, you could use a little more description of your characters. If I were your artist, I would have no real idea of how big this mech is (are we talking 8 ft, 10 ft, 2 stories tall)? Similarly, it would be important for the artist to know that the Target has digitigrade legs earlier (and is not wearing shoes) or that you can't see the target's legs.

This may just be personal taste, but I think that there are some things that you take a couple of panels to tell, that I think you could tell in fewer. For example, with a little cutting and pasting and light editing, page 1 could look like this.

PAGE 1
Splash Page – Forest at night. In the background we see four soldiers, all wearing long brown overcoats clutching some form of bullpup assault rifle. Their faces obscured by large visors radiating a red glow in the darkness.They keep close in a small spread formation and have their rifles raised.
In the foreground is the target hunched down against the base of a tree wearing a hooded cloak, in its hands are two smoothbore pistols and the hands clutching it only have four large fingers. The target is obviously not human. The soldiers are unaware of the ambush they’re walking into.

1 Soldier1: “Any sign of it?”
2 Soldier2: “Negative, where the hell did it disappear to?”
3 Soldier1: “Still nothing on my scanner. Damn thing was running from us a second ago, how the hell do we lose track of something that big?!”
4 Soldier4: “Just keep looking, it couldn’t have gotten far”

That all being said, that's definitely a matter of personal taste, and knowing the strengths of the artist you're working with.