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Morganza
08-31-2014, 11:39 PM
uuugh

Schuyler
09-03-2014, 08:26 PM
Whoa!

I finally sat down to read this and it was gone.

Morganza
09-03-2014, 11:05 PM
I'm posting pages for feedback, working descriptions mainly, no dialogue.

The White Widow: Origin
COPYRIGHT 2014 By Morgan Welborn

PAGE ONE [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – Establishing shot of a traditional Japanese home from the 16th century Japan. It's very late at night, the moon at it's zenith, illuminates the scene. The home is located near the edge of a wide calm river surrounded by a lush forest with thickets of bamboo. It's windows glow faintly from lamps burning within. A lit lantern designates a path from the forest to the house, another path leads from the house to a dock on the rivers edge.

The house is of modest size able to shelter 2 adults comfortably. The exterior is constructed of wood with thick milled wooden beams forming the frame, sliding doors and windows inset with white rice paper, and a high thatched roof that extends another six feet. The entrance of the house is facing North and has large windows on each side of the door, and unseen from this view. The Eastern side of the house faces the river and has a set of smaller windows. The Southern side of the house has two large windows. The Western side is unseen from this view but has a smaller window.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - CLOSE-UP on Southern side of the House. In the window is a silhouette of a petite young teen female [KEI], her hair pulled back into a pony tale, she is also wearing a kimono. KEI is kneeling down setting up for dinner, we can only see the upper torso of her silhouette in the window frame.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – MEDIUM VIEW from behind KEI, inside the house. KEI's kimono is gray, tattered and worn, she is kneeling in front of a mat and small wooden table surrounded with pillows. On the table are ceramic plates of fish, rice, vegetables and bowls of saki. To her left is the sliding door entrance.

The room is faintly lit by a few oil lamps and lanterns hanging from cross beams in the main living area. She is in the main room which is fairly large and open, there is one other room [Bedroom] behind her out of view. A rolled up bed mat is next to the Southern wall along with other mats and pillows, and almost out of view next to the bed mat is a sword stand flush against the wall. It holds a long and short Samurai sword still in their sheaths. In front of KEI and to her left is a cooking station.

NO COPY
PANEL 4 – ZOOM IN from panel 3 to KEI's head and shoulders. KEI suddenly looks towards the door, startled. Not able to see her facial details yet.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the door from outside the house with KEI peeking out. The door is slid open just a little revealing KEI's bloodshot brown eye wide open in fear, puffy and discolored from abuse.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 1



PAGE TWO [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 - FULL VIEW of JIRO. JIRO is a large rotund man in his late 30's, he has a full trimmed beard and his hair is pulled back into a pony tail. JIRO wears a fancy blue kimono with ornamental designs and gold trim.

JIRO drunkenly stumbles down the path towards the house, carrying a small basket of Sake bottles. He appears to be yelling at the house.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - MEDIUM VIEW of JIRO in the doorway from inside the house. JIRO's hand still on the sliding door. His expression is snarled, eyes squinting trying to scan the room.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 - JIRO'S POV KEI is kneeling next to a lavish fish dinner with her back to the Southern wall, she is looking up in JIRO's direction. Eyes still wide open. We can see JIRO's shadow cast along the floor from the bright moonlight.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – CLOSE UP on JIRO's face. His eyes are now focused on KEI and appears very angry.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – MEDIUM SHOT of KEI. Her eyes still wide, braces herself for the fury about to be unleashed on her. KEI raises her hand over her mouth as if she is about to scream. JIRO's shadow looming over her tiny frame and filling the wall behind her.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 2



PAGE THREE [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – MEDIUM SHOT [LARGE PANEL]. JIRO swipes at KEI with a jarring slap across her face.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - KEI is laying on the floor, her hand covers the area on her face where he hit her, JIRO reaches for her.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 - JIRO pounces on top of KEI and savagely punches her in the head multiple times with his fat fists.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – MEDIUM VIEW of KEI. JIRO is standing over looking down at KEI, she is sobbing, both hands over her face.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 - CLOSE-UP of JIRO's sloppy enraged face.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 3



PAGE FOUR [4 PANELS]

PANEL 1 - FULL VIEW. JIRO brutally kicks KEI in her stomach.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - MEDIUM VIEW of KEI laying on the floor, her mouth open trying to catch her breath and her body locked into a fetal position.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 - KEI'S POV JIRO calmly sits down to eat his dinner, his back to her facing the Eastern wall, he gestures to KEI to go outside by pointing to the entrance.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – POV over JIRO's shoulder. KEI is crawling on her hands and knees, towards the entrance.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 4



PAGE FIVE [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – MEDIUM VIEW from behind JIRO. He quickly stands up, throwing the table of dishes and food into ruins, looking to his left at the entrance.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – WORMS-EYE VIEW. KEI in the foreground looking back at JIRO, JIRO takes a heavy step towards KEI, preparing to kick her.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 - CLOSE UP on KEI as JIRO delivers another powerful kick to KEI'S torso.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 - KEI stumbles out of the house onto the dirt path as JIRO looks from the doorway.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 - VIEW from behind KEI as she limps towards the river as fast as she can.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 5



PAGE SIX [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 - POV from across the river. KEI has kneeled down on the river bank next to an crop of large smooth stones, taking off her kimono, her body is full of black and blue marks.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - CLOSE-UP on KEI's reflection in the water, her face distorted from years of abuse and ripples in the water from her tears.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – CLOSE-UP on KEI as she looks down at her reflection.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – SAME VIEW as 3. KEI cries, bringing her hands up to cover her face.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – POV from behind KEI. She looks at the river.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 6



PAGE SEVEN [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – KEI is carrying a large stone with both hands as she wades into the deeper water, only her upper torso is visible, she continues to cry.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – KEI continues deeper into the river, now at shoulder level.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – KEI is now up to her chin, she has stopped crying and her eyes are closed.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – MEDIUM VIEW of the river. It's calm except ripples where KEI went under.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – SAME VIEW. Now the river is completely calm.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 7



PAGE EIGHT [4 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – WIDE SHOT of the area where KEI went underwater. The river still calm.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – SAME VIEW as Panel 1. Ripples in the water suddenly break the calm surface where KEI went underwater.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – SAME VIEW. A sudden rush of water creates a violent water vortex swirling in the center of the river. A pearlescent white female demonic head [XU] with Bull-like pearlescent horns breach the water, we can only see half of her head out of the water at this point.

XU is 9' tall, no hair, white eyes, pearlescent skin. She has beautiful soft features, full lips, large breasts, curvy hips and thighs, claw-like hands and feet.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – SAME VIEW. The Vortex subsides to calming water once again. XU is now up to her shoulders.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 8



PAGE NINE [SPLASHPAGE]

SPLASHPAGE – FULL BODY VIEW. The Demonic Goddess [XU] is hovering over the water completely nude, holding a soaking wet KEI in her arms like a new born baby, she looks at KEI with a smile.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 9



PAGE TEN [5 PANELS]

PANEL 1 – CLOSE-UP on KEI. She's barely alive, eyes half open, reaches up to XU to touch her face.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 - CLOSE-UP on XU still smiling as KEI's hand graces her cheek.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – MEDIUM VIEW of XU holding KEI. XU raises KEI up higher to get her face closer to hers.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 - CLOSE-UP of XU kissing KEI on her forehead. A light begins to emit from XU. XU has tears running down her cheek.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – SAME VIEW. The light has become so brilliant, the figures are not entirely visible.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 10



PAGE ELEVEN [5 PANELS]

PAGE 1 – Light fills the scene. Inside the light is a figure of a beautiful woman with wild flowing long white hair, the figure is standing on the water.

NO COPY


PAGE 2 – MEDIUM VIEW. The light suddenly dissipates revealing KEI, nude, standing on the river. KEI has transformed. XU has disappeared with the light.

KEI now has White hair, white eyes, 5'9” tall, 125LBS, has the appearance of fully matured woman in her early twenties, has similar attributes to XU regarding body type, and pale skin tone.

NO COPY


PAGE 3 – KEI looks at her hands and notices they are different.

NO COPY


PAGE 4 – CLOSE-UP on KEI as she feels her face and smiles.

NO COPY


PAGE 5 – KEI's POV looking down at her reflection in the water.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 11



PAGE TWELVE [4 PANELS]

PAGE 1 – MEDIUM VIEW. KEI kneels down and fans here hands over the water, smiling, making ripples where her hand touches the water.

NO COPY


PAGE 2 – CLOSE-UP on KEI's hand with her fingers spread out. Behind her hand, in the distance is her house.

NO COPY


PAGE 3 – CLOSE-UP on KEI's face. Her mood has shifted, looking at the house, her expression is blank.

NO COPY


PAGE 4 – MEDIUM VIEW. KEI suddenly jump toward the house with a single powerful leap.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 12



PAGE THIRTEEN [5 PANELS]

PAGE 1 – FULL VIEW of JIRO laying on the floor in the main living area half asleep, food and sake debris litter his surroundings, he is still holding a sake bottle.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – CLOSE UP on JIRO. He is snapped to his senses when he hears a loud noise outside the entrance door.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 - MEDIUM VIEW of JIRO looking at the door. A silhouette of a beautiful woman with wild flowing long hair shows through the rice paper covered door.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 - JIRO staggers toward the door puzzled.

NO COPY


PANEL 5 – MEDIUM VIEW from outside of the entrance, looking at JIRO's puzzled face with his hand on the opened sliding door. The woman’s silhouette cast on his body.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 13



PAGE FOURTEEN [4 PANELS]

PANEL 1 - FULL VIEW. KEI [WHITE WIDOW] stands before JIRO totally nude. She has a blank look on her face as she stares at JIRO.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – MEDIUM VIEW. KEI kicks JIRO in the gut with significant force, her expression unchanged. JIRO's eyes bulge as his breath escapes, hunched over from the force of the painful kick.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – PROFILE SHOT. KEI leans in to get face to face with JIRO, with a tight grip of his hair, she yanks his head up to her gaze. Her expression still blank. JIRO's agony is evident.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – CLOSE-UP on KEI's face. She has a vacant stare.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 14



PAGE FIFTHTEEN [4 PANELS]

PANEL 1 - KEI slaps JIRO so hard, she rips the hair from his head trying to hold him in place.

NO COPY


PANEL 2 – MEDIUM VIEW of JIRO stumbling towards the Southern wall where we can see a rolled up bed mat and a small wooden sword stand against the wall.

NO COPY


PANEL 3 – FULL VIEW of JIRO. He is in a defensive posture with a Samurai long sword in his right hand holding it skillfully. His demeanor has changed from drunken slob to focused killer, he crouches low holding the sword defensively, keeping his eyes on KEI.

NO COPY


PANEL 4 – CLOSE-UP on KEI. Her eyes focused on JIRO.

NO COPY

END OF PAGE 15

Morganza
09-04-2014, 03:56 AM
For some reason, I can't edit my first post, but I posted my first 6 pages.

Schuyler
09-04-2014, 12:44 PM
I got through page one.

In my opinion this is a good hook, but I desperately want some dialogue. Kei's thoughts would be a good start.

I have not shown a talent for writing good dialogue. Suddenly that is what has become important for me. Here is the way I see it.

You have changed the panel descriptions because you want another artist to work on the project and that is great. I also think that every artist is different and will want different information. It seems like you will learn very quickly how to write a better panel after working on just one page with another artist. You will be able to see the page and see what you could have done better in your descriptions. This is not true for me, but as an artist I think you have a unique insight.

That is why I think you should write some dialogue. You will naturally get better at writing the panel descriptions, but like me you might need other people's help to start writing awesome dialogue. I am not even judging the dialogue you have previously written. Maybe I will make some judgments when I am better at it myself. However, after reading the first page I felt that this story could have some really powerful dialogue.

I will finish later but I got to go to work. Rock on Morganza!

Morganza
09-04-2014, 06:20 PM
Thanks Schuyler, I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me feedback, the dialogue will be tricky to get it done right. This script used to have dialogue years ago, it was just outdated and wrong for the characters, I'm playing with the idea of just using narration. A story narrated by KEI.

I will post more pages later.

Morganza
09-04-2014, 06:38 PM
This was one of my first drawings of White Widow from 1986-
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_CaYqJWDkNw/Tfjnk9JTdAI/AAAAAAAAB5c/DbeRb63Ej-A/s1600/1986b.jpg

She has evolved over the decades, here's one from 1992-
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M9u-j_6s7ho/UaK767wVRJI/AAAAAAAAEQc/xMU27L3d50g/s1600/WW92.png


I'm working on a new Model sheet for her, hopefully finished before the year is over.

Morganza
09-04-2014, 09:35 PM
I posted everything I have to this point, 15 pages worth.

Schuyler
09-06-2014, 02:37 PM
I like this story.

The appearance of xu and transformation of kei will be confusing. People will wonder if Kei was replaced by xu.

Morganza
09-06-2014, 05:58 PM
Thanks Schulyer! That's a good point, I hope to make it more clear when I add dialogue, or have XU sink back down into the river.

Morganza
09-12-2014, 09:11 PM
I guess there's no more feedback to be gained from this, moving on to the next LEVEL!