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MattWriterX
08-16-2014, 12:36 PM
Hi all

Here's the first four pages of a script I'm working on, set in an imaginary place called the eighth continent. It is a dystopian urban thriller with most of the action set in a nightmarish city, but starts here in a rainforest. Would appreciate helpful critiques!


PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1. A beautiful aerial view of a rainforest with a river passing through it, and nearby a large wooden dome-like structure pokes through the trees. This is the citadel of Boris’ followers. On the horizon, at the source of the river, can be seen the city of Ubiquity, a source of pollution. It is sunset.

PANEL:
The eighth continent. A rainforest far from the city.

Panel 2. Inside the citadel – hundreds prostrated in prayer before BORIS, who stands in the centre on an elevated plinth. The citadel is completely made from wood and is a complex construction of beams and arches and also natural trees growing through. The worshippers all wear identical robes. The last rays of the day’s sunlight streak in.

BORIS:
Creatures of earth! This jungle is our only benefactor!

Panel 3. Close up of the preacher, BORIS, who stands before the crowds, eyes blazing and mouth wide open in defiant anger.

BORIS:
For what is the alternative? Many miles from here there is a city that lies within a pit – the city they call Ubiquity but which we know as Oblivion! It inflicts pain upon the Earth - its foundations are like daggers in the soil; its pollution, sick suffocation!

Panel 4. A section of the crowd, standing with their arms in the air. Among them, ANSELM stands, the only one unimpressed. In the foreground is LEB, who worships in rapture.

CROWD:
Bo-ris! Bo-ris! Bo-ris! Bo-ris! Bo-ris!

Panel 5. ANSELM pushes his way out. A FOLLOWER turns and reaches out to his arm.

FOLLOWER:
Brother Anselm, have you grown tired of Boris’ words?

Panel 6. ANSELM punches FOLLOWER.

ANSELM:
What do YOU think?!

SFX:
Thock!



PAGE TWO (nine panels)

Panel 1. ANSELM stands in his room, a small wooden alcove. He is putting on a check shirt and jeans, his robes discarded in the corner. A fishing rod appears to be his only possession.

BORIS (OP):
Go now and meditate on the living energy of the green and one day join me together in eternal life. Our spirit, brothers and sisters, shall return as a single all-powerful essence!

Panel 2. Birds’ eye view of ANSELM walking along the hallway of the temple, from his room, with the fishing rod over his shoulder. Ahead of him, the other worshippers start to flood out of the worship room.

Panel 3. In the foreground, on the left, BORIS and LEB kiss in the arches. In the background ANSELM walks through the crowds towards them.

Panel 4. ANSELM in the foreground, looking darkly downwards, while, behind him LEB calls out to him, while holding hands with BORIS.

LEB:
Anselm?

Panel 5. In a clearing in the jungle, ANSELM walks away from the temple, which is behind him in the distance. Over his shoulder he carries the fishing rod. It is now dusk and the moon is rising in the sky.

Panel 6. Later, LEB and BORIS lie post-coitally sleeping in bed together, an oil lamp burning by their side, which plays across their naked bodies. Beside them can be seen their discarded ceremonial dresses. Through the window, the moon is high in the sky.

Panel 7. ANSELM is seated at the riverside, fishing. Behind him is the moon.

Panel 8. ANSELM looks down with surprise at a glowing in the water.

Panel 9. In the water, the fish are glowing.




PAGE THREE (nine panels)

Panel 1. With her back to us, LEB rises from bed naked as BORIS sleeps behind her, and reaches under her pillow.

Panel 2. LEB, her face still unseen, pulls out a knife.

Panel 3. Anselm’s line in the water, which catches a glowing fish.

SFX:
Splosh

Panel 4. LEB raises the knife over BORIS, her face unseen.

Panel 5. BORIS, dead, a knife in his heart and blood pumping out. In the background, LEB walks away naked.

Panel 6. ANSELM pulls his line out of the water, which has a fish on the end. It no longer glows.

Panel 7. LEB throws the lamp to the ground.

Panel 8. The place goes up in flames, we now see LEB’s face for the first time through the flames, looking glazed.

Panel 9. Close up of ANSELM’s hands holding the fish, squirming.



PAGE FOUR (seven panels)

Panel 1. ANSELM stands on the riverbank, his back to us, looking towards the forest where he can see a glow in the distance, coming up from the trees. The fish on the hook hangs from his hand.

Panel 2. ANSELM runs through the rainforest, mostly shrouded in darkness.

Panel 3. ANSELM pulls aside a branch, behind which is something glowing bright yellow.

Panel 4. A close up of ANSELM’s eyes – there is an ambiguity about what they reveal. Shock or recognition? The golden glow is reflected in his eyes.

Panel 5. LEB stands naked and with a look of ecstatic glory in her eyes. Behind her the citadel is completely in flames. Everything is illuminated with golden light, apart from Leb who is shadowed, as the fire is directly behind her.

Panel 6. An aerial view of ANSELM and LEB standing before each other, illuminated by the golden glow.

Panel 7. An aerial view that mirrors Page One, Panel 1, except this time it is night time and the citadel is completely on fire.

CAP:
“Whatever happened out there, God knows, I can’t make sense of it.”

crognus
08-16-2014, 02:49 PM
PAGE ONE (six panels)

Panel 1. A beautiful aerial view of a rainforest with a river passing through it, and nearby a large wooden dome-like structure pokes through the trees. This is the citadel of Boris’ followers. On the horizon, at the source of the river, can be seen the city of Ubiquity, a source of pollution. It is sunset.

This panel description is better than some of the ones you see on here. You included an angle, and the time of day. It’s still not good though. “Large wooden Dome-like structure” is a terrible, terrible description of a building on its own. It’s lazy. There is no way the artist can understand what the building is supposed to look like. The same goes for the city. I don’t understand if this is an ancient city or a modern city. Saying it’s a “source of pollution” doesn’t really tell me anything relevant to what should be drawn. How do we know it is a source of pollution? Is it just smoke rising from the city? I’m going to write a panel, similar to the one you just gave me.

A beautiful aerial view of a desert with an oasis, and nearby a large stone square-like structure pokes through the sand. This is the tomb of Emrakul. On the horizon, can be seen the city of Orborka, it is a source of divinity. It is sunset.

Can you draw this, without coming back to me for questions, and reasonably expect it to be the same picture that I had in mind?

A panel description is your letter to the artist to make sure he draws what you have in your brain. Unless you have telepathy be more descriptive.


CAP:Caption not Panel
The eighth continent. A rainforest far from the city.