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AmitMosheOren
08-16-2014, 10:59 AM
Hi. My name's Amit Moshe Oren (https://www.facebook.com/amit.m.oren) and I'm a comic book writer. In the last four months, I was working on my project, and I'm very close to finish it (28 pages). The project called The Stranger from the Valley. It's a story about a dangerous mysterious man tries to change his old ways by helping the people of Brookmeer, a poor small town he suddenly woke up in. This is my first 5 pages. Every once in awhile I'll post 5 more pages, so I can get a critique on them. Hope you'll enjoy, and don't worry. I'm taking critiques well :)

PAGE 1 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
An establishing shot. The most desolated desert you've ever seen. Just hills of sand, and that's it. Not a single cactus; not a single sign of life. It's the climax of a summer noon. The desert is empty from anyone or anything. We're looking down at the depressing desert as if we are birds watching the desert from above.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
An extreme long shot from above. We're getting a little closer to a certain point. Now we can see that there's a man walking in this desolated desert of ours. We can't see his face. We can barely see anything from this character, except that he's got a good old cowboy hat. Like always with stories that deserts attached to them.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
After my runaway, I hadn't slept, ate or drank for a couple of days.

No dialogue.

PANEL 3
A long shot from above. We're getting even closer to the character. We now can see that he's got a black long hair; Kris Letang's look-a-like hair, and a glimpse of hard black bristles. His cowboy clothes are ragged and sweat smears are coming out of his underarm.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
I was too tired from wandering in a never-ending desert.

No dialogue.

PANEL 4
An American shot. Now we're really in front of him. The mysterious man walks in front of us. His name is Ray Roberts. We can see his whole body; we can see his face through the light sandstorm. His eyes are half shut. He's leaning forward and his right leg is up in the air. It needs to look like he's going to fall and pass out any second, which is what he's going to do in the next page.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
So, I gave up.

No dialogue.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 2 (3 panels)

PANEL 1
The man is lying on the sand on his stomach. All of his clothes start to get covered in sand. From far off, we can see two unknown men on horses ride towards Ray. We're looking down at all the "action" from a high angle, and we can't see the two men's faces.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
Just fell last good sleep in this fucking desert. But something somehow interrupted my "beauty" sleep.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
The two men stop near Ray. We're staying in the same high angle we were last panel.

No dialogue.

PANEL 3
Now, the legs in extreme close-up are being dragged away from the place where they were.

No dialogue.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 3 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
We're looking at Ray's face. He's lying on a tiny bed that almost doesn't fit to the average size of his body. His jacket and all of his other clothes are hanging on a hook. He's shirtless. From the looks of it, Ray's pretty muscular.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
A stream of water splashes on his face. His face is getting distorted as a normal reaction.

No dialogue.

PANEL 3
A POV Low angle shot. Ray's POV. What Ray actually sees is two men looking down at him. The one is a bit old with a white hair, and the second is pretty young, but ugly. The old man named Nelson, and the young boy called Billy. They look down at him like he's a kind of an alien or something. They discuss in whispers between them, while they examine Ray in curiosity.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
There were folks I liked for a change; like Billy and Nelson. The young reckless fool and the old naïve chum. They always made me laugh.

Billy
That's the tough guy, Nelson?

Nelson
From the looks of it, he didn't eat or drink for a long time... He's tough enough for-

PANEL 4
Same shot. Now, Ray's muscular hands are choking the two men's throats. The two seem completely shocked. The old man's head starts to blush. The old man can barely speak, but he tries anyway, while looking at the young boy in a red "I-told-you-so" face.

Nelson
-Alrighty, then…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAGE 4 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
We're looking at the incident between Ray and the two men. Now we see it from a different angle, a different shot. The young boy dares to be upset.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
So, first, I had to make them think I really gave a fuck where I was.

Ray
Where am I?! Tell me now!

Billy
Jesus! Calm down, you knucklehead!

PANEL 2
Ray's angrier than ever; as if the young boy just broke a rule of his or something. The two men are terrified.

Nelson
Billy, shut up!

Ray
Don't ever call me that. I'll ask one more ti-

Nelson (Off Panel)
-Alright, alright, we'll tell you. Just let go of us. Please.

PANEL 3
It's been a couple of minutes since last panel. Ray is already standing on his feet and calmer since before. Ray buttons his white long blouse while the old man is talking.

Nelson
Our town called Brookmeer. Oh, and sorry about earlier. Our inspector told us to wake you up. A water spill is the only trick we know.

PANEL 4
The young boy looks down; pissed at what has happened earlier. Ray ignores him. The caption this time needs to be at the panel's bottom under Billy's dialogue.

Billy
That choking thing, man… You could just ask nicely.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
Oh Billy… that boy. I always admired his guts.

PANEL 5
A full shot. Someone else enters the room. He's standing so close to the opened door that the daylights barely let us and Ray see who this guy is. We're looking at him from a low angle.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
And then… he came.

Stan
Hello there.

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PAGE 5 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
The inspector comes a little closer. The inspector is a brown skinned guy. He has only 1/3 of his right ear as an honor for my favorite pro wrestler: Mick Foley (https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcShnZpk_ybvXfukt8Dt_gKQdH0sIx5UQ HFwBDWusdNaSVz4ba6c3Q). He smiles an easy grin. His name is Stan. My imagination of Stan's face is the face of Lee Everett from The Walking Dead Season 1 Game (http://sarahtherebel.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/lee_everett_ep_04.jpg?w=1092).

Caption (Ray Roberts)
The inspector of their town…

Stan
I see you're already awake…

PANEL 2
A Close-up on an offered handshake by Stan. His right hand is not like a usual hand. His right hand is a Prosthetic Hand from Victorian Era (http://scinotions.com/2013/06/prosthetic-hand-from-victorian-era/).

Caption (Ray Roberts)
Stan.

Stan
Name's Stan.

PANEL 3
The handshake is happening.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
This time, I had to be somebody else. A new name, a new character, a new identity. Someone friendly, for a change. The name Dan seemed pretty okay, back then.

Ray
Dan Emerson.

Stan
Nice to meet you, Dan Emerson.

PANEL 4
Stan's bionic hand hugs Ray from the side and his hand leans on Ray's back; like how brothers or friends usually do. Stan escorts Ray out of the room. We see only their backs. They walk together side by side. Billy and the old man look at them surprised.

Stan
Let's get you out of here, Dan.

PANEL 5
We're now looking at the guys from the front at a medium shot. Some people look at the new guy. We're now outside of the room. Stan is happy as hell, and Ray with a fake smile. It's afternoon right now.

Stan
A long black hair, a tough look, kinda' muscular… The ladies are going to like you here.

Luke Noonan
08-16-2014, 11:25 AM
It's an interesting story, but a couple things I can say arethe panel descriptions are not precise enough, they're written like prose, for example:

An establishing shot. The most desolated desert you've ever seen. Just hills of sand, and that's it. Not a single cactus; not a single sign of life. It's the climax of a summer noon. The desert is empty from anyone or anything. We're looking down at the depressing desert as if we are birds watching the desert from above.

To me, that's a high-angle or bird's eye view establishing shot of a desert with rolling dunes and no plant life at midday. That's how I would put it in a script (and I'd say what colour the sand is, golden brown or white, if this is going to be in colour)

It's tempting to go poetic and expressive about it in the script to set the mood or tone, but it's unneccessary and distracting and, worst case, it could mislead the artist to depict the text literally (for example, the artist might take the "climax of summer noon" bit as license to put a heat haze in the panel, or a dust storm on the horizon, and ruin what you're going for. You did say it was the most desolate desert they'd ever seen, and deserts vary.)

When I first started writing scripts, I followed Alan Moore's and Neil Gaimain's examples as a template. BIG mistake.

Also, you put a link to an article in, and the image there isn't hard to find, but if I was going to link I'd put it direct: http://scinotions.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/150-Year-Old-Victorian-Prosthetic-Hand.jpg

But I would normally not include links at all, I'd put any visual references in a separate document attached with the script.

Then there is the pacing. I get this is intended as a slow burn such as the main guy is going through, but to me as a reader it just drags. I would put his thoughts or memories in and have the strangers arrive at the bottom of page 1.

Just my 2 cents.

AmitMosheOren
08-17-2014, 06:52 AM
It's an interesting story, but a couple things I can say arethe panel descriptions are not precise enough, they're written like prose, for example:



To me, that's a high-angle or bird's eye view establishing shot of a desert with rolling dunes and no plant life at midday. That's how I would put it in a script (and I'd say what colour the sand is, golden brown or white, if this is going to be in colour)

It's tempting to go poetic and expressive about it in the script to set the mood or tone, but it's unneccessary and distracting and, worst case, it could mislead the artist to depict the text literally (for example, the artist might take the "climax of summer noon" bit as license to put a heat haze in the panel, or a dust storm on the horizon, and ruin what you're going for. You did say it was the most desolate desert they'd ever seen, and deserts vary.)

When I first started writing scripts, I followed Alan Moore's and Neil Gaimain's examples as a template. BIG mistake.

Also, you put a link to an article in, and the image there isn't hard to find, but if I was going to link I'd put it direct: http://scinotions.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/150-Year-Old-Victorian-Prosthetic-Hand.jpg

But I would normally not include links at all, I'd put any visual references in a separate document attached with the script.

Then there is the pacing. I get this is intended as a slow burn such as the main guy is going through, but to me as a reader it just drags. I would put his thoughts or memories in and have the strangers arrive at the bottom of page 1.

Just my 2 cents.

Ok. Thanks for your critique :) I'll try to apply these suggestions next time I'm writing. Anyone else can help me?

Luke Noonan
08-17-2014, 06:29 PM
No probs, hope you found it helpful. ;)

AmitMosheOren
08-20-2014, 09:07 AM
There is someone else who can help me, please?

Steven Forbes
08-20-2014, 10:40 AM
You can always submit this to The Proving Grounds (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/). Before you make any decisions, make sure you read a few entries first. Also make sure you read the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/) first.

AmitMosheOren
08-20-2014, 01:56 PM
You can always submit this to The Proving Grounds (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/). Before you make any decisions, make sure you read a few entries first. Also make sure you read the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/) first.

I really wanted to, but unfortunately my full script is 28 pages. Can you make an exception, please? That will be a blast!

Steven Forbes
08-20-2014, 02:00 PM
I don't make exceptions, but there are loopholes...

crognus
08-20-2014, 10:37 PM
It's okay, you got this. Just number your pages 20, 21, 21, 21, 21, 21, 21, 21, and 22. When Steven gets mad at you, just say you're bad at math.

crognus
08-20-2014, 10:38 PM
But don't really do that.

Steven Forbes
08-20-2014, 10:51 PM
No, please, do that.

And when you hear the deafening silence of not being responded to, you'll have crognus to blame. :)

crognus
08-20-2014, 11:48 PM
I can't figure out how to do strikethroughs here so I'm just going to highlight the stuff in blue.

PAGE 1 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
An establishing shot. The most desolated desert you've ever seen. Just hills of sand, and that's it. Not a single cactus; not a single sign of life. It's the climax of a summer noon. The desert is empty from anyone or anything. We're looking down at the depressing desert as if we are birds watching the desert from above.

No dialogue.

This is better than a lot of stuff on here, because I think you have a basic grasp of what details are needed for an establishing shot. However, like Luke said this is prose, especially the last sentence.

PANEL 2
An extreme long shot from above. We're getting a little closer to a certain point. Closer to what? We can now see RAY ROBERTS walking in this desolated desert of ours. We can't see his face. We can barely see anything from this character, except that he's wearing a cowboy hat. Like always with stories that deserts attached to them. Once again the last sentence is just prose.

Keep in mind the person reading the panel descriptions isn't the person reading your comic. He is your artist. Don't make him wonder who the character is. Just straight out tell him it's an extreme long shot of Ray Roberts but you can't see his face yet. There's no reason to try and create suspense for the artist. It just increases the likelihood he will misunderstand what you're saying and draw something different than you want.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
After my runaway, I hadn't slept, ate or drank for a couple of days.

The proper grammar is eaten, but using ate might be due to the character's voice? In case it's not because of voice, you use past participle instead of simple past tense when you use the verb "have" or "had".

No dialogue.A caption counts as dialogue. The reason we write “No dialogue” or “No copy” in a panel is to tell the letterer that he doesn't have to do anything here. In this case, since there's a caption, he WILL have work to do here.

PANEL 3
A long shot from above. We're getting even closer to the character. Zoom in further on Ray. We now can see that he's got a black long hair; Kris Letang's look-a-like hair, and a glimpse of hard black bristles. Character descriptions are not necessary in panel descriptions. You will work out the design with the artist beforehand. Use the panel description to tell the artist what is happening in THIS panel. His cowboy clothes are ragged and sweat smears are coming out of his underarm.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
I was too tired from wandering in a never-ending desert.

No dialogue.

PANEL 4
An American shot. I don't know if other people find this confusing. I had to look it up. It's a 3/4's shot right? Now we're in front of him. The mysterious man walks in front of us. His name is Ray Roberts. We can see his whole body I guess it's not a 3/4's shot, if we can see his whole body; we can see his face through the light sandstorm. Wait, there's a sandstorm? Wouldn't this information have been nice to know in the preceding panels? His eyes are half shut. He's leaning forward and his right leg is up in the air. I find this description of how he is standing super confusing. Don't most tired people begin to shuffle their legs and barely pick them up as they walk? Why would his leg be up in the air unless he's falling backward? But you said he is leaning forward, so that's not it. Is he doing a front kick? Doesn't seem like something a tired person would do... It needs to look like he's going to fall and pass out any second, which is what he's going to do in the next page. This is going to be extremely hard to draw. The sort of things that would show he is tired in film, such as trembling legs, can't be used in still shots. Generally, you want to stick to more clear poses in comics. If you want to show he is tired, have him drop to his knees.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
So, I gave up.

No dialogue.

So the panel descriptions need work, but I already said that. The other thing is pacing. Starting by zooming in on Ray works fine, but I don't think this is a good place to end the page. You want to hint a bit at what's coming next. The last panel on the first page should generally say to the readers, “Guys, look! What's going to happen? Something is coming up, just turn the page!” End page 1 with a panel of the two riders looking down at Ray to make the reader wonder who these people are, or condense page 2 onto page 1 to make them wonder where he is being dragged off to.

Steven Forbes
08-20-2014, 11:57 PM
It should be .

However, it isn't working, for some reason.

strike

Alyssa
08-21-2014, 12:12 AM
I thought the strikethrough was just using the S tag.

strikethrough

Yup, [ s ] text [ / s ]

Steven Forbes
08-21-2014, 12:13 AM
You've got the magic touch, Alyssa, because I tried that, too, and it didn't work for me.

Alyssa
08-21-2014, 12:17 AM
Yays, I'm MAGIC! :har: :har: :har:

AmitMosheOren
08-21-2014, 04:18 AM
I can't figure out how to do strikethroughs here so I'm just going to highlight the stuff in blue.

PAGE 1 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
An establishing shot. The most desolated desert you've ever seen. Just hills of sand, and that's it. Not a single cactus; not a single sign of life. It's the climax of a summer noon. The desert is empty from anyone or anything. We're looking down at the depressing desert as if we are birds watching the desert from above.

No dialogue.

This is better than a lot of stuff on here, because I think you have a basic grasp of what details are needed for an establishing shot. However, like Luke said this is prose, especially the last sentence.

PANEL 2
An extreme long shot from above. We're getting a little closer to a certain point. Closer to what? We can now see RAY ROBERTS walking in this desolated desert of ours. We can't see his face. We can barely see anything from this character, except that he's wearing a cowboy hat. Like always with stories that deserts attached to them. Once again the last sentence is just prose.

Keep in mind the person reading the panel descriptions isn't the person reading your comic. He is your artist. Don't make him wonder who the character is. Just straight out tell him it's an extreme long shot of Ray Roberts but you can't see his face yet. There's no reason to try and create suspense for the artist. It just increases the likelihood he will misunderstand what you're saying and draw something different than you want.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
After my runaway, I hadn't slept, ate or drank for a couple of days.

The proper grammar is eaten, but using ate might be due to the character's voice? In case it's not because of voice, you use past participle instead of simple past tense when you use the verb "have" or "had".

No dialogue.A caption counts as dialogue. The reason we write “No dialogue” or “No copy” in a panel is to tell the letterer that he doesn't have to do anything here. In this case, since there's a caption, he WILL have work to do here.

PANEL 3
A long shot from above. We're getting even closer to the character. Zoom in further on Ray. We now can see that he's got a black long hair; Kris Letang's look-a-like hair, and a glimpse of hard black bristles. Character descriptions are not necessary in panel descriptions. You will work out the design with the artist beforehand. Use the panel description to tell the artist what is happening in THIS panel. His cowboy clothes are ragged and sweat smears are coming out of his underarm.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
I was too tired from wandering in a never-ending desert.

No dialogue.

PANEL 4
An American shot. I don't know if other people find this confusing. I had to look it up. It's a 3/4's shot right? Now we're in front of him. The mysterious man walks in front of us. His name is Ray Roberts. We can see his whole body I guess it's not a 3/4's shot, if we can see his whole body; we can see his face through the light sandstorm. Wait, there's a sandstorm? Wouldn't this information have been nice to know in the preceding panels? His eyes are half shut. He's leaning forward and his right leg is up in the air. I find this description of how he is standing super confusing. Don't most tired people begin to shuffle their legs and barely pick them up as they walk? Why would his leg be up in the air unless he's falling backward? But you said he is leaning forward, so that's not it. Is he doing a front kick? Doesn't seem like something a tired person would do... It needs to look like he's going to fall and pass out any second, which is what he's going to do in the next page. This is going to be extremely hard to draw. The sort of things that would show he is tired in film, such as trembling legs, can't be used in still shots. Generally, you want to stick to more clear poses in comics. If you want to show he is tired, have him drop to his knees.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
So, I gave up.

No dialogue.

So the panel descriptions need work, but I already said that. The other thing is pacing. Starting by zooming in on Ray works fine, but I don't think this is a good place to end the page. You want to hint a bit at what's coming next. The last panel on the first page should generally say to the readers, “Guys, look! What's going to happen? Something is coming up, just turn the page!” End page 1 with a panel of the two riders looking down at Ray to make the reader wonder who these people are, or condense page 2 onto page 1 to make them wonder where he is being dragged off to.

Thanks for the critique! really appreciate it.
And in the case of the American Shot, I screwed up. The right shot for this panel is a full shot.

LukePierce
08-21-2014, 05:06 AM
PAGE 2 (3 panels)

PANEL 1
The man is lying on the sand on his stomach. From far off, we can see two unknown men on horses ride towards Ray. We're looking down at all the "action" from a high angle, and we can't see the two men's faces.

Moving panel that could easily be split into two, you also give the angle you want last. I would try something like this:

Bird's eye view. Ray is lying on the sand, face down. His body is partially covered with sand.
Two horseriders are heading in his direction, although because of the distance we cannot yet see their faces.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
Just fell last good sleep in this fucking desert. But something somehow interrupted my "beauty" sleep.

That first sentence makes no sense, in fact the whole caption doesn't really make any sense.

No dialogue. As pointed out, the caption is dialogue.

PANEL 2
The two men stop near Ray. We're staying in the same high angle we were last panel.

Moving panel. The men have stopped their horses would work better. Also, would it not be better to actually have the horse riders looking down at Ray from a low angle? You might give a better impression that a) They've actually stopped and b) They've seen him.
No dialogue.

PANEL 3
Now, the legs in extreme close-up are being dragged away from the place where they were.

Being the the Old West, the horse riders would have checked him first in case of him being a trap of some kind. So that would then make sense.

What I don't get is why they would drag him along by his feet, even for bandits this action would make no sense - unless they automatically knew him as an enemy - but they would leave him to die. What would make more sense is him being restrained (rope around wrists and ankles) and carried on the back of one of the horses.
If he were dead, he would be left there to rot. No sense in taking a dead body that could have a disease of some kind. A living human in trouble tends to prompt compassion rather than behaviour like you've already described.
No dialogue.

crognus
08-21-2014, 10:15 AM
I just wanted to point out, I didn't fix all the problems with the panel descriptions. I just did a first pass over the script, so take time to implement more fixes than what I put in.

RskimB
08-27-2014, 03:08 AM
The others have made much better technical critiques than I ever could. Regarding the story, its a tease not much happens in the 5 pages offered. Ray has been wandering in the desert for some unknown reason. Taken hostage/rescued for some unknown reason by strangers. Chokes the boy. Sees guy with cool hand. Stylistically it seems like you've got the Western down pat though. I'm curious to see your summary play out because presently things are bit slow. Hopefully the next few pages advance things a bit more :)!

LukePierce
08-29-2014, 11:20 AM
Something occured to me today. If the desert is as desolate as claimed, why on earth would the central character be going through it, much less the two mysterious horsemen? If there's no signs of life, then all three would have to be fools to go through such a place.

AmitMosheOren
09-11-2014, 01:24 AM
Thank you so much all of you. I'm currently waiting for a week to do the second draft for my one-shot, and after that, I'm gonna go out there and start looking for a publisher :)

AmitMosheOren
09-20-2014, 05:46 PM
Hi! long time no see. So, I've done my second draft of my first five pages I've posted earlier on this thread, and tried to follow your advices, and this is what happened. Hope it's better now.

PAGE 1 (4 panels)

PANEL 1
An establishing shot. The most desolated desert you've ever seen. Just hills of sand, and that's it. Not a single cactus; not a single sign of life. It's the climax of a summer noon. A weak sandstorm is taking place. The desert is empty from anything or anyone. We're looking down at the depressing desert in a bird's-eye view shot.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
An extreme long shot in the same bird's–eye view angle. We're getting a little closer. Now we can see that Ray Roberts is walking in this desolated desert. We can't see his face. We can barely see anything of this character, except for his good old cowboy hat.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
After my runaway, I hadn't drank, eaten or slept.

PANEL 3
A long shot from above. Zoom in further on Ray. His cowboy clothes are ragged and sweat smears are coming out of his underarm.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
I was worn out from wandering in a never-ending desert.

PANEL 4
A full shot. Ray Roberts is in front of us. We can see his whole body; we can see his face through the light sandstorm. His eyes are half shut. Ray drops on his knees. It needs to look like he's going to fall and pass out at any second, which is what he's going to do in the next page.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
So, I gave up.

PAGE 2 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
Ray Roberts is lying on the sand on his stomach. All of his clothes start to get covered in sand.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
From far west, we can see two horse riders ride towards Ray. We're looking down at the action from a bird's-eye view shot, and we can't see the two men's faces.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
Just fell a last good sleep in this fucking desert.

PANEL 3
The two men stop near Ray's upper body. We're staying in the same high angle we were last panel.

No dialogue.

PANEL 4
One of the men gets down and seeks with his hands on Ray's body for a weapon.

Mysterious Man #1
Alive and unarmed.

PANEL 5
The same man who searched on Ray's body picks Ray up and put him on his left shoulder. The other mysterious man is already back on his horse.

No dialogue.

PAGE 3 (6 panels)

PANEL 1
We're looking at Ray lying on a tiny bed that almost doesn't fit his average sized body. His jacket and all of his other clothes are hanging on a hook. He's shirtless.

No dialogue.

PANEL 2
A close up on Ray's face. A stream of water splashes on his face. His face is getting distorted as a normal reaction.

No dialogue.

PANEL 3
A POV Low angle shot. Ray's POV. What Ray actually sees is two men looking down at him. The old man named Nelson, and the young boy called Billy. They look down at him like he's some kind of an alien. They discuss in whispers between them, while they examine Ray in curiosity.

Billy
That's the tough guy, Nelson?

Nelson
Keep it quiet.

PANEL 4
Same shot. Now, Ray's muscular hands are choking the two men's throats. Billy seems completely shocked. The old man's head starts to blush while he looks at the young boy in a red "Look what you've done" face.

No dialogue.

PANEL 5
Although Ray seems very angry, the young boy dares to be upset about Ray's actions.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
First, I had to make them think I gave a fuck where I was.

Ray
Where am I?! Tell me now!

Billy
Jesus! Calm down, you knucklehead.

PANEL 6
Ray's angrier than ever; as if the young boy just broke a rule of his or something. Billy makes Nelson furious as well.

Nelson
Billy, shut the fuck up!

Ray
Don't ever call me that. I'll ask one more ti-

Nelson
-Alright, alright, we'll tell you. Just let go of us. Please.

PAGE 4 (3 panels)

PANEL 1
It's been a couple of minutes since last page. Ray is already standing on his feet and way calmer since before. Ray buttons his white long blouse while the old man talks.

Nelson
Welcome to Brookmeer, Arizona, my friend. By the way, we're sorry about before. The inspector told us to wake you up and--

PANEL 2
The young boy interrupts Nelson. He looks down while stroking his red throat; pissed at what has happened earlier. Ray ignores him.

Billy
--Speak for yourself, Nelson, okay?

PANEL 3
A full low angle shot. Someone else enters the room. He's standing so close to the opened door that the daylights barely let us and Ray see who this guy is.

The Inspector
Hello there.

PAGE 5 (5 panels)

PANEL 1
The inspector comes a little closer. We can see him now clearly.

Stan
I see you're already awake…

PANEL 2
A Close-up on an offered handshake by Stan. His right hand is not like a usual hand. His right hand is a Prosthetic Hand from Victorian Era.

Stan
Name's Stan.

PANEL 3
The handshake is happening.

Caption (Ray Roberts)
This time, I had to be someone else. A new name… A new character… Maybe someone friendly, for a change. The name Dan seemed pretty okay to me, back then.

Ray
Dan Emerson.

Stan
Nice to meet you, Dan Emerson.
Where from?

Ray
Virginia City, Nevada.

PANEL 4
Stan's bionic hand hugs Ray from the side and his hand leans on Ray's shoulder; like they're best friends already. Stan escorts Ray out of the room. We see only their backs. They walk together side by side. Billy and the old man look at them surprised.

Stan
Then let's get you out of here, Dan from Nevada.

PANEL 5
We're now looking at the guys from the front at a medium shot. It's an afternoon. Some people look suspiciously at the new guy. We're now outside of the room. Stan is happy as hell, and Ray with a fake smile.

Stan
A long black hair, a tough look, kinda' muscular… The ladies are going to like you here.

AmitMosheOren
09-30-2014, 08:29 AM
Somebody?

crognus
10-01-2014, 11:03 AM
Sorry, I'm too busy lately to read through it. :( Keep in mind Steven runs TPG at Comixtribe and you can always submit your script to be reviewed there. :)

SamRoads
10-07-2014, 07:03 PM
You talked about 'going to look for a publisher'. In my experience, indie comics doesn't work like this. Publishers will only pay attention to first time writers once they have produced a piece of work.

It's understandable. Even if your writing is top notch, until you have proven that you can get sh1t done, there's no reason for them to assume you will. There are so many keen writers out there who never finish their first graphic novel/novel/film script that their bad example drags down hard working writers.

If you're looking to get published, find an artist yourself. Bring money, or find someone just starting out, who'll work for free. And good luck finding even that person. There's a lot more writers than artists. Good luck!

AmitMosheOren
10-18-2014, 07:55 AM
You talked about 'going to look for a publisher'. In my experience, indie comics doesn't work like this. Publishers will only pay attention to first time writers once they have produced a piece of work.

It's understandable. Even if your writing is top notch, until you have proven that you can get sh1t done, there's no reason for them to assume you will. There are so many keen writers out there who never finish their first graphic novel/novel/film script that their bad example drags down hard working writers.

If you're looking to get published, find an artist yourself. Bring money, or find someone just starting out, who'll work for free. And good luck finding even that person. There's a lot more writers than artists. Good luck!

Thank you very much, Sam! you opened up my eyes.
Still waiting for a comment on my script, though :)

AmitMosheOren
10-25-2014, 11:38 AM
So sorry to disturb you over and over again with my script, but I could really use your advice on that one.

Steven Forbes
10-25-2014, 11:49 AM
Just hire an editor. That should help you immensely.

hellospaceboy
10-25-2014, 08:06 PM
Hi,

Your second draft improved the format greatly, good job! The panel descriptions are much clearer, to the point. I would keep reading it on page 6 to see what happens, and that's the most important thing!

As far as room for improvement:
My biggest advice would be to take a closer look at your dialog. Some of it doesn't have a really natural flow.

Billy keeps dropping Nelson's name in his sentences.

When Nelson and Billy wake Ray up, I got the impression that Nelson knew Ray, or at least heard of him before (as in "legendary outlaw"), because otherwise I'm not sure how he would know that Ray was a tough guy. So that set up was a bit confusing, I only realized it wasn't the case when Ray gave them a fake name pages later.

"First, I had to make them think I gave a fuck where I was." Why? Seems like an odd thing to me. Why not "First, I had to make it clear that I meant business."

The use of "knucklehead" as an insult made me smile, and the fact that Ray got upset over it seemed odd, it's a pretty mild thing to throw at someone. I know you're not shying away from cursing, since in the same scene someone drops an f bomb. I would turn up the "knucklehead" to something meatier.

"A long black hair, a tough look, kinda' muscular…" should be more like "Long black hair, well built, with a touch of toughness... " or something. Definitely drop the "a" from "long hair"!

And one quick question: Is Stan's prosthetic hand a functional bionic hand? Because if it is a steampunk-y invention, it's cool, but that's the one panel description where you probably should have spend a little more time describing things. There were prosthetic hands in the real Victorian Era, and they were very limiting in movement and function, so maybe that's not what you had in mind? But you never refer to anything that didn't exist in our real histocal Victorian Era.
Or if it is just an old prosthetic hand, then don't refer to it as a "bionic hand" in the next panel. Bionic hand reads more or less as a functional robot hand to me.

Sorry if it seemed like a lot, but it's actually not! The pacing of the scene is pretty good, these are all just finishing touches, keep up!

I hope I helped, feel free to ignore anything I said.

SamRoads
10-25-2014, 08:32 PM
Two lines of dialogue, one after the other, end in the word desert. Except in rhetoric, I don't think this is good.

Hope this helps.

Comics Commando
10-29-2014, 04:30 AM
As far as format goes, Amit...you seem to be doing some things right...and other things wrong. If a panel contains a caption--but no dialogue balloons, you don't need to add in "no dialogue." If a panel has no lettering at all, the note is generally: "No copy". Copy means text.

I cover this aspect of format--and many others in my comics script format guide, which may be helpful to you.



Anyone reading this can get it here for free:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/dg4cdb6xwgy5cec/Comics_Script_Format_101_2011__.pdf

And an article on series bibles:
http://forum.webcomicscommunity.com/index.php?topic=868.0



Best,

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio

Lettering / Logos / Fonts / Pre-Press / Page Design / Motion Graphics
for Print or Web / Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

AmitMosheOren
10-29-2014, 04:15 PM
As far as format goes, Amit...you seem to be doing some things right...and other things wrong. If a panel contains a caption--but no dialogue balloons, you don't need to add in "no dialogue." If a panel has no lettering at all, the note is generally: "No copy". Copy means text.

I cover this aspect of format--and many others in my comics script format guide, which may be helpful to you.



Anyone reading this can get it here for free:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/dg4cdb...101_2011__.pdf

And an article on series bibles:
http://forum.webcomicscommunity.com/...hp?topic=868.0



Best,

Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio

Lettering / Logos / Fonts / Pre-Press / Page Design / Motion Graphics
for Print or Web / Entertainment, Advertising or Education!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETGevjPkZso

I already learnt that, and applied it into my second draft which I posted in page 2 I think, but thanks anyway :)

AmitMosheOren
11-08-2014, 06:26 AM
Okay... So, I'm really thankful to anyone who took the time to read my script, and tried to help me. Thank you. Thank you very much. I submitted the first 6 pages of this one-shot to The Proving Ground, and it will be reviewed in December 26th! See you in the other side, pals ;)

LukePierce
11-20-2014, 11:24 AM
I think you should be fine, you've had some excellent advice thus far. Crit-wise, I think there may be some harsh words, but there is always somthing which you can use to make you think about how you put your script together and creating something really special.

Fingers crossed for you after the help you gave me.

SamRoads
11-20-2014, 11:25 AM
It will be a nice Christmas present!