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RskimB
08-12-2014, 11:27 PM
I need practice and want to finally produce some tangible comics. So I've been working on some smaller ideas and I came up with this short (web) comic strip idea. I'm looking for both technical and content critiques. Thanks so much in advance. I'm just looking for some feedback to see whether I should continue and try to find an artist to collaborate with or not!

ďCOGĒ

Character Descriptions
Mark - 5í3 wheeled, very idealistic robot, just got his MBA.

Linda - black, middle aged over worked and stressed senior HR

Tad - young office douche, HR Manager

Mr. Ensam - President of the company, weirdo.

Carl - young copy center worker
Lee - young copy center worker

Page 1

Panel 1: In a generic office Mark [robot] looks visibly nervous. He sitting in front at a desk awkwardly due to his wheels across from Linda [40s, black]

1. Linda: Pleasure to finally meet you in person...I mean face to
face. Imean its good to meet you Mr. Mark.

2. Mark : Thanks. Iím excited to start working. Please call me Mark.

Panel 2: Linda frowns, shuffles resume, jogs it on the desk. Mark sits in place same expression.

1. SFX (Papers): THUD THUD

Panel 3: Linda looks baffled, scans resume. Mark is calm now.

1. Linda: Wait? Youíre DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
specialist?

2. Mark: Name doesnít make much sense for a human does it?

Panel 4: Linda is frowning again. Mark sits unchanged.
3. Linda: Sadly Iíve seen worse than yours DVSCorp RS Mark I.

4. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 2

Panel 1: Linda and Tad [29, slicked back brown hair] bicker in a plush executive office. Linda jabs her finger into Tadís chest.

1. Linda: [harsh whisper] When were you going to tell me we were
hiring a robot? (to Tad)

2. Tad: There was supposed to be an announcement to brace
everyone. But now you can take Mark around get him
acquainted with everyone.


Panel 2: Mr. Ensam[60s, short, bald] emerges from the ceiling somehow. Linda and Tad both get spooked, leaping a feet into the air.

1. SFX (Mr. Ensam): FWOOSH

2. Linda and Tad: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!

3. Mr. Ensam: Linda, the government is paying us for him to work here.

Panel 3: Linda has arms crossed. Tad looks stern.

1. Linda: Iím not babysitting that thing!

2. Tad: That kind of language will not be tolerated in public. Youíre
HR for fucksake!Ē

3. Mr. Ensam: Thatís right Tad. To help make our new friend more
comfortable the EEOC has provided you with a rulebook.
Do see that it is enforced.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 3

Panel 1: Tad and Linda discussing things further in Mr. Ensamís plush executive office.

1. Tad: Anyway worst case scenario if Mark doesnít work out we flip his off switch.

2. Linda: Umm does he even have an off switch?

3. Ensam: Its too late to have a killswitch installed? Like an adult
circumcision you say? [offscreen]

Panel 2: Tad and Mr. Ensam are right next to each other. Tad smirks. Mr. Ensam laughs creepily. Linda looks confused/disturbed.

1. Tad: For the amount of money weíre getting Iíd almost get
circumcised.

2. Mr. Ensam: HeheheHahahaHohoho


Panel 3: Linda is visibly excited, raises her arms up triumphantly. Tad shakes his head. Mr. Ensam suddenly looks quite serious.

1. Linda: Oh my god weíre getting bonuses?

2. Tad: shakes head.

3.Mr. Ensam: Hahehe-- [stops laughing abruptly]

Panel 4: Tad gestures to only himself and Mr. Ensam. Lindaís arms sink.

1. Tad: These are executive bonuses. You deal with the robot.

2.Linda: G0#$@!&it [swears under her breath.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 4
Panel 1: Linda and Mark walk in a hallway lined with art.

1. Linda: And now for a tour of the facilities. Wherever I go, you go.
Got it?

2. Mark nods and rolls closely behind.

Panel 2: Walking through conference room.
Panel 3: Walk past Receptionist desk. Receptionist visibly freaked out.
Panel 4 Walkng through Cafeteria.
Panel 5 Walking down stairs. Mark falls down stairs.

3. SFX (Mark): CRASH
Panel 6: Linda stands on the middle of the stairs. Mark can be partially seen on the floor.

4. Linda: And of course the elevators are to your right.

Page 5
Panel 1: Linda kneels by a still shaken Mark, next to elevators.

2. Linda: Why didn't you say you can't walk down stairs?
3. Mark: Just following orders.

Panel 2: Mark remains sprawled on the floor

Panel 3: Linda stands, leaving Mark on the ground.
4. Linda: I know the feeling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 6
Panel 1: Mark and Linda enter busy copy room. Two workers are hunched over a computer.

Panel 2: Closeup shot reveals job hunting website. Mouse hovers overs the exit bar.

1. Linda: [offscreen] Ahem. And this is our copy room.

Panel 3: Two stunned workers quickly exit the screen and turn to see Mark, who extends his hand to the person closest to him.

2. Linda: Carl, Lee meet Mark the newest member of the HR team.

3. Mark: Pleasure to meet you.


Panel 4: Linda and Mark exit. Carl[early 20s, asian] and Lee[mid 20s, black] stand dazed, by themselves now.
4. Carl: That refrigerator t-talked.
5. Lee: [sigh] Welp. They finally did it. If robots are in HR nobody
is safe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 7
Panel 1: Mark and Linda are exiting. Doors are pushed open. Employee has blown past them, positioned far right.

1. SFX (Door): Smaaaack!

2. Employee: Grumble grumble.

2. Linda: <whispers> One of our hardest workers. He may seem
odd but we dont think he would never hurt anyone.

3. Mark: <thought bubble> Save to cloud memory, avoid scary
human.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 8
Panel 1: Early morning. Tad and Linda are both opening their office doors.

1. Linda: Morning Tad.
2. Tad: Morning, I had the Robot EEOC Manual delivered to your
office. Should be on your desk.

3. Linda: Thanks Tad. Iíll take a look.

Panel 2: Huge book sits on Lindaís desk. She is seated behind it and only her hands can be seen on the sides.

4. Linda: You have got to be kidding me.

Schuyler
08-13-2014, 11:31 AM
I like this story and I found the dialogue easy to read.

The panel descriptions need work, though. They are just very sparse. An example of one that is particularly bad is Page 2 panel 2. How does the guy emerge from the ceiling? Due to the fact that comics are static images it will seem as if the fellow teleported in to the panel. One minute he is not there and the next he is. Not only that but you say he emerges somehow, leaving a huge question that even you do not know the answer to.

Also when Mark falls down the stairs. I might take some of those touring panels that precede it, out, and replace them with a more thorough stair falling. Don't lose the receptionist desk though.

I think you are doing well telling us what your actors are doing in the panels. It is the scene that's lacking. We have no idea what this office looks like.

RskimB
08-13-2014, 12:28 PM
Thanks for the specific feedback. I will work on improving the panel descriptions. I have more of a prose background so I was worried about being overly descriptive. I suppose I took it a bit too far. With Page 2 Panel 2, I will rewrite it so that he comes out of the airduct.

When you say more thorough stair falling, not sure what you mean exactly.

Thanks, this is my 2nd revision I think I improved upon the actor placement description but more details of the office are still very much needed.

Schuyler
08-13-2014, 01:45 PM
When you say more thorough stair falling, not sure what you mean exactly..

I meant that you should spend more panels on his physical fall. He hits one stair in one panel, and the next shows his next tumble.

Schuyler
08-13-2014, 01:47 PM
The story has a low panel count as well. Since there is not a lot of action I would squeeze the story into less pages because otherwise readers will burn right through it.

RskimB
08-13-2014, 02:15 PM
Thanks for clarifying about the fall scene.

The story has a low panel count as well. Since there is not a lot of action I would squeeze the story into less pages because otherwise readers will burn right through it.

Initially when I started this I was worried about trying to pack too much into pages. Maybe going forward I can try to use less pages. Since I didn't intend for this too be terribly plot heavy I wasn't overly concerned, I see what you're saying though. Do you find the pacing to be too quick in general?

Schuyler
08-13-2014, 04:14 PM
Do you find the pacing to be too quick in general

I would say yes. Page four being the only page that has a good amount of panels but since four of the six are silent it could have even more.

I feel like pacing can be such a flavor thing so it is hard for me to judge what is correct and not. My advice is to avoid pages with less than four panels unless there is a lot of action or it is a page that has a lot of impact. Impact will make people linger on a page with a low panel count.

I like to write in groups of five. Five is a very versatile panel count for a couple of reasons. Four panels seems to be reserved for action pages but you can still fit action in five. You can fit a fair amount of dialogue on a page with five panels. As you add panels you actually lose room inside the panels because they get smaller. Another reason is that, if for some reason my artist randomly decides to add a panel (and he does do that) it will not suddenly become a seven to nine panel page. Lastly, I feel like odd numbers of panels allow for more diversity on how the panels get placed on the page. Four usually gets cut up evenly with two on top or two on bottom. Or it can be four going down but those are the typical variations I've seen on four panel pages. Five on the other hand seems to have an eternity of different configurations. Six has more configurations than four but it also seems limited. Then, seven seems to have a lot of variation like five. My rule stops making sense at nine, though.

Anyway, I like your idea. Good luck!

RskimB
08-13-2014, 05:55 PM
I would say yes. Page four being the only page that has a good amount of panels but since four of the six are silent it could have even more.

I feel like pacing can be such a flavor thing so it is hard for me to judge what is correct and not. My advice is to avoid pages with less than four panels unless there is a lot of action or it is a page that has a lot of impact. Impact will make people linger on a page with a low panel count.

I like to write in groups of five. Five is a very versatile panel count for a couple of reasons. Four panels seems to be reserved for action pages but you can still fit action in five. You can fit a fair amount of dialogue on a page with five panels. As you add panels you actually lose room inside the panels because they get smaller. Another reason is that, if for some reason my artist randomly decides to add a panel (and he does do that) it will not suddenly become a seven to nine panel page. Lastly, I feel like odd numbers of panels allow for more diversity on how the panels get placed on the page. Four usually gets cut up evenly with two on top or two on bottom. Or it can be four going down but those are the typical variations I've seen on four panel pages. Five on the other hand seems to have an eternity of different configurations. Six has more configurations than four but it also seems limited. Then, seven seems to have a lot of variation like five. My rule stops making sense at nine, though.

Anyway, I like your idea. Good luck!


Ok gotcha, your explanation makes a lot of sense, cleared up any misgivings I had. Writing an odd number of panels (5,7) is a good rule of thumb I'll use going forward. Lots of helpful constructive critique and insight gained. I look forward to making the necessary tweaks and presenting this to an artist in a few weeks :D

crognus
08-13-2014, 06:06 PM
[QUOTE=RskimB;1832373]

Page 1 It's good practice to include how many panels are in the page here.

Panel 1: In a generic office Mark [robot] (You do not need to include character descriptions in panels. You will have worked them out with your artist beforehand.) looks visibly nervous. He sitting in front of a desk awkwardly, due to his wheels, across from Linda [40s, black]

You are including information that doesn't need to be included and leaving out information that should be included. First of all, this is an establishing shot. You can't just say "generic office". There are many looks for a generic office. Are we in a room or a cubicle? What kind of office is it? Office is a very unclear term, it can often be referring to any room in an office building. We could be in the breakroom of an office. I don't know. You haven't told me.

Second, what's the angle? Are we behind Linda, or can we see both of their faces? You are setting your artist up for failure. We can't see the pictures in your head, you have to explain them.

1. Linda: Pleasure to finally meet you in person...I mean face to
face. I mean its good to meet you, Mr. Mark.Should Linda look nervous too?

2. Mark : Thanks. Iím excited to start working. Please call me Mark.

Panel 2: Linda frowns, shuffles resume, jogs it on the desk. Moving panel, Linda can't shuffle and straighten out papers in a single panel.Mark sits in place with thesame expression.

3. It helps the letterer if you number according to the number of bubbles/sfx on the page, not the panel.SFX (Papers): THUD THUDPapers thud when they are being shuffled?


Panel 3: Linda looks baffled, scans resume. This almost sounds like a moving panel. It might be better to say, "Linda looks baffled at the resume."Mark is calm now. If we can continually see both of their expressions in all the panels so far, that means we are just continually doing a profile view. That's a little boring. This is turning into a talking heads situation.

4. Linda: Wait? Youíre DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
specialist?

5. Mark: The name doesnít make much sense for a human, does it?

Panel 4: Linda is frowning again. Mark sits unchanged.Still in a profile view then?
6. Linda: Sadly Iíve seen worse than yours, DVSCorp RS Mark I.

7. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.

Right away there are a few things I would work on. The first being panel descriptions. You can't expect people to know what is going on in your head. Make sure they include all information that is relevant.

In the establishing shot you need to make it clear to the artist where we are. In a panels you need to make sure it is clear who is there, what they are doing, and what is going on.

You don't always have to include an angle, but it's obvious you aren't really thinking about it. Try to picture each panel in your head clearly before writing it out. I would also take a look at this (http://momentofcerebus.blogspot.com/2012/07/wally-woods-22-panels-that-always-work.html) to get a good idea of common panels used in comics.

This is also leading to another problem. You are writing moving panels. Things don't move in comics. You can create an illusion of movement. But things don't move. Try to imagine you are a camera man taking pictures of the most crucial moments to convey your story.

RskimB
08-13-2014, 06:37 PM
[QUOTE=RskimB;1832373]

Page 1 It's good practice to include how many panels are in the page here.

Panel 1: In a generic office Mark [robot] (You do not need to include character descriptions in panels. You will have worked them out with your artist beforehand.) looks visibly nervous. He sitting in front of a desk awkwardly, due to his wheels, across from Linda [40s, black]

wow thanks for the input. I only added the character descriptions in the panels after someone else mentioned to me that they were confused by all the characters.



You are including information that doesn't need to be included and leaving out information that should be included. First of all, this is an establishing shot. You can't just say "generic office". There are many looks for a generic office. Are we in a room or a cubicle? What kind of office is it? Office is a very unclear term, it can often be referring to any room in an office building. We could be in the breakroom of an office. I don't know. You haven't told me.

Second, what's the angle? Are we behind Linda, or can we see both of their faces? You are setting your artist up for failure. We can't see the pictures in your head, you have to explain them.

1. Linda: Pleasure to finally meet you in person...I mean face to
face. I mean its good to meet you, Mr. Mark.Should Linda look nervous too?

2. Mark : Thanks. I’m excited to start working. Please call me Mark.

Panel 2: Linda frowns, shuffles resume, jogs it on the desk. Moving panel, Linda can't shuffle and straighten out papers in a single panel.Mark sits in place with thesame expression.

3. It helps the letterer if you number according to the number of bubbles/sfx on the page, not the panel.SFX (Papers): THUD THUDPapers thud when they are being shuffled?

taking Schuyler's critiques into consideration my future panels will be longer to avoid future moving scenes like this one. Jogging the paper would make a thud sound.

Panel 3: Linda looks baffled, scans resume. This almost sounds like a moving panel. It might be better to say, "Linda looks baffled at the resume."Mark is calm now.[/B] If we can continually see both of their expressions in all the panels so far, that means we are just continually doing a profile view. That's a little boring. This is turning into a talking heads situation.

4. Linda: Wait? You’re DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
specialist?

5. Mark: The name doesn’t make much sense for a human, does it?

Panel 4: Linda is frowning again. Mark sits unchanged.Still in a profile view then?
6. Linda: Sadly I’ve seen worse than yours, DVSCorp RS Mark I.

7. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.

Right away there are a few things I would work on. The first being panel descriptions. You can't expect people to know what is going on in your head. Make sure they include all information that is relevant.

In the establishing shot you need to make it clear to the artist where we are. In a panels you need to make sure it is clear who is there, what they are doing, and what is going on.

You don't always have to include an angle, but it's obvious you aren't really thinking about it. Try to picture each panel in your head clearly before writing it out. I would also take a look at this (http://momentofcerebus.blogspot.com/2012/07/wally-woods-22-panels-that-always-work.html) to get a good idea of common panels used in comics.

This is also leading to another problem. You are writing moving panels. Things don't move in comics. You can create an illusion of movement. But things don't move. Try to imagine you are a camera man taking pictures of the most crucial moments to convey your story.

Panel descriptions still need to be clearer.
Camera angle and establishing shot need to be clear.
No moving panels.

Thanks for the blow by blow feedback Crognus, I still have a ways to go.

Steven Forbes
08-13-2014, 08:58 PM
I love watching the growth happening before mine eyes. Makes me happy.

crognus
08-14-2014, 11:04 AM
After fixing the problems I mentioned earlier, you need to work on your pacing too. One problem, like Schuyler mentioned, is the panel count. The other is how you planned out your pages.

You need to plan in such a way that you make the reader want to turn the page. The first five pages are really important. They ultimately determine if the reader will commit to reading your story. If you go to your shelf and open up one of your comic books, you'll notice almost all of them put a mini-cliffhanger on the end of page one and three. For example, The Walking Dead. The last panel of page one Rick gets shot. The last panel of page three he realizes no one is in the hospital with him and starts to leave the room.

While you aren't writing an action piece, you can still create a little suspense and mystery to the page turn. One idea, you might think about, is obscuring Mark on page one. The reader will be able to pick up that something is a little "off" about the interview. Use the dialogue "The name doesn't make much sense for a human does it...?" on the last panel. (The reader will wonder what Mark is, if he isn't human.) Then make page two a splash of Mark sheepishly grinning while shrugging, revealing he is a robot ("Seriously, just Mark is fine.").

Schuyler
08-14-2014, 11:20 AM
After fixing the problems I mentioned earlier, you need to work on your pacing too. One problem, like Schuyler mentioned, is the panel count. The other is how you planned out your pages.

You need to plan in such a way that you make the reader want to turn the page. The first five pages are really important. They ultimately determine if the reader will commit to reading your story. If you go to your shelf and open up one of your comic books, you'll notice almost all of them put a mini-cliffhanger on the end of page one and three. For example, The Walking Dead. The last panel of page one Rick gets shot. The last panel of page three he realizes no one is in the hospital with him and starts to leave the room.

While you aren't writing an action piece, you can still create a little suspense and mystery to the page turn. One idea, you might think about, is obscuring Mark on page one. The reader will be able to pick up that something is a little "off" about the interview. Use the dialogue "The name doesn't make much sense for a human does it...?" on the last panel. (The reader will wonder what Mark is, if he isn't human.) Then make page two a splash of Mark sheepishly grinning while shrugging, revealing he is a robot ("Seriously, just Mark is fine.").

This is a great idea! But I would not make page 2 a splash.

crognus
08-14-2014, 11:53 AM
This is a great idea! But I would not make page 2 a splash.

Why not? I know Golden through Bronze age of comics were all about the page 1 splashes, but in the modern age I think if you have a good reason for a page 2 splash it works really well. Once again, the first issue of Walking Dead does it (page two is a splash of Rick waking up on a hospital bed).

A splash on page two, of just Mark, emphasizes the focal point of the story. It will set the reader up to see the story through Mark's eyes, which is important. He is the main character, but he isn't human, so we have to take care to humanize him. The reader needs to identify with him more than the human characters. (This is another reason I think he should be obscured in page one. If we mostly see Linda, a lot of the shots will be from Mark's POV, putting us in his...uh...wheels).

The splash could say a lot too. If he is seated awkwardly on the chair, because of his wheels, it's an early visual cue that he is going to have trouble fitting in.

Schuyler
08-14-2014, 05:41 PM
Why not? I know Golden through Bronze age of comics were all about the page 1 splashes, but in the modern age I think if you have a good reason for a page 2 splash it works really well. Once again, the first issue of Walking Dead does it (page two is a splash of Rick waking up on a hospital bed).

A splash on page two, of just Mark, emphasizes the focal point of the story. It will set the reader up to see the story through Mark's eyes, which is important. He is the main character, but he isn't human, so we have to take care to humanize him. The reader needs to identify with him more than the human characters. (This is another reason I think he should be obscured in page one. If we mostly see Linda, a lot of the shots will be from Mark's POV, putting us in his...uh...wheels).

The splash could say a lot too. If he is seated awkwardly on the chair, because of his wheels, it's an early visual cue that he is going to have trouble fitting in.

You have made some fine points.

I realize everyone might not be like this, but I have to be very careful about the use of the splash. Otherwise, I end up running out of room to finish the story.

RskimB
08-15-2014, 02:32 AM
Why not? I know Golden through Bronze age of comics were all about the page 1 splashes, but in the modern age I think if you have a good reason for a page 2 splash it works really well. Once again, the first issue of Walking Dead does it (page two is a splash of Rick waking up on a hospital bed).

A splash on page two, of just Mark, emphasizes the focal point of the story. It will set the reader up to see the story through Mark's eyes, which is important. He is the main character, but he isn't human, so we have to take care to humanize him. The reader needs to identify with him more than the human characters. (This is another reason I think he should be obscured in page one. If we mostly see Linda, a lot of the shots will be from Mark's POV, putting us in his...uh...wheels).

The splash could say a lot too. If he is seated awkwardly on the chair, because of his wheels, it's an early visual cue that he is going to have trouble fitting in.

Thank you both for the further input. I've already started retooling a bit. Your comments have been a wake up call that I need to convey the story more visually and have the images breathe more life into the characters and their surroundings. In my effort to make a "simple" comic the quality of the panels has been reflected as such. The splash page sounds like a fantastic idea, it would be an awesome reveal! In addition to the other edits, I will work on injecting more suspense and page turning elements into the story.

RskimB
08-26-2014, 02:10 AM
rejiggered version. hopefully i didnt change it for the worse

ďCOGĒ

Character Descriptions
Mark - 5í3 wheeled, very idealistic robot, just got his MBA.
Linda - black, middle aged over worked and stressed senior HR
Tad - young office douche, HR Manager
Mr. Ensam - President of the company, weirdo.
Carl - young copy center worker
Lee - young copy center worker

Page 1 (5 Panels)

Panel 1 (low angle) A brilliant, modern glass building (http://kamonohashikamo.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/taipei_101.jpg) juts into the early morning sky so high its upper half is obscured by cloud cover.

Panel 2 (wide) Glass window shatters. Birds flying nearby startled. A middle aged man in a suit, wearing a party hat has jumped out.

Panel 3 (low) The building towers over head. The manís body is a dark silhouette in the clouds.

Panel 4 (wider) Taxi sits parked by the curb entrance to the building. The busy morning commuters on the sidewalk obscure Mark. The slick haired driver, can be seen shouting words of encouragement. Up above the body is more visible but no one below is aware.

1. Driver: Good luck with the interview there pal!

Panel 5 (extreme closeup on watch) The body lays contorted comically. Blood pooled beneath. The old man holds a cheap looking pocket watch that can be read.

1. SFX (Body): CRUUUNCH

2. [inscription] We will never forget your 20 years of dedication here Roberta

Caption: First impressions are everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 2 (5 Panels)
Panel 1(close up): In a cramped office. Linda has stacks of books on her cluttered desk. Firing for Dummies, But Iím Better than My Boss, and Occupational Yoga are two that can be seen. Mark is not visible.
1. Linda: Pardon the mess. We have had a crazy morning here!

Panel 2: Linda opens a desk drawer containing Markís resume.

2. Linda: Pleasure to meet you in person...I mean face to face. I
mean its good to meet you Mr. Mark.

2. Mark[offpanel] : Thanks. Iím excited to start working. Please call me Mark.

Panel 3: Lindaís entire desk can be seen now. There is an unflattering window view to rooftops. Trashcan at the side of Lindaís desk has cake and a party hat in it. Linda peers down at resume in her hands.
1. Linda: I didnít realize there were any Accounting vac--

Panel 4(extreme closeup): Partial resume (http://coverlettersandresume.com/hr/entry-level-hr-assistant-resume-sample-no-experience/) (similar to this i suppose) information can be seen. Name. Profile. Education. The closeup is of Lindaís hands holding the resume.

[read] DVSCorp RS. Mark I
Profile
Proficient in comprehending and analyzing information derived
from human resource documents. Advanced mastery of human interpersonal relations. Adaptable being with necessary skill set required for any task.
Education
CMU HR Management - 4.5
MIT Masterís in Business Administration - 3.9

Panel 5(closeup): Linda looks confused, continues to scans resume. Mark speaks offpanel.

1. Linda: Wait? Youíre DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
Assistant?

2. Mark[offpanel]: Name doesnít make much sense for a human does it?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 3 (1 Panel)
Panel 1(splash): Mark is finally revealed. He sits, propped in a chair. not truly sitting. His wheels dangle off the edge. He looks small in the chair. Linda is frowning, shoulders slumped.
1. Linda: Sadly Iíve seen worse than yours, DVSCorp RS Mark I.

2. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 4 (5 Panels)

Panel 1(birdís eye view): Linda and Tad appear to be bickering in Mr. Ensamís office. Linda jabs her finger into Tadís chest. The grate in the next panel should be shown. (*Maybe Ensamís eyes can be seen from the grate too?) Ensamís office (http://www.mrkate.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/kuz.jpg) has the vibe of a modern day throne room, has wall to wall windows. Light fixtures use fire. They sit on a leather sofa with the window view behind them. To the right of the panel is large desk and a ďthrone chairĒ, it is elevated by steps so that Ensam can look down on people sitting at the bottom. Small canon is also visible next to the desk.

1. Linda: [harsh whisper] When were you going to tell me we were hiring a
robot?

2. Tad: There was going to be an announcement to brace everyone.
But now YOU can take Mark around get him acquainted with
everyone.


Panel 2: A grate, previously above head hits the ground. Mr. Ensam emerges from the air duct, lands gracefully as a cat. Linda and Tad both get spooked, leaping a few feet into the air from their seats.

1. SFX (air duct grate): CLANG!
2. SFX (Mr. Ensam): FWOOSH

2. Linda and Tad: Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!

3. Mr. Ensam: Linda, the government is paying us for him to work here. Quite
heftily I might add.

Panel 3(favor Linda): Linda is pointing up at the missing vent, mouth agape. Tad is sitting unphased. Mr. Ensam dusts himself off wordlessly.

1. Linda: Really, no one is going to acknowledge THAT just happened?

Panel 4(favor Linda): Mr. Ensam is now sitting on the leather sofa with outstretched arms and legs crossed. Linda shrugs at the lack of response.

1. Linda: Welp. I guess not.

Panel 5(three shot): Everyone sits on the couch. Linda has arms crossed. Tad is facing Linda looks stern. Mr. Ensam sitting to the right, turns and faces them both.

1. Linda: Iím not babysitting that THING!

2. Tad: That kind of language will not be tolerated in public. Youíre HR
for fucksake!Ē

3. Mr. Ensam: Tadís right. Linda, to help make our new friend more
comfortable, the EEOC has provided you with a rulebook. Do see that it is enforced.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 5 (4 Panel)

Panel 1(two shot): Tad and Linda are now standing up. Tad looks confident. LindaMr. Ensam is now offpanel on the phone.

1. Tad: Anyway worst case scenario if Mark doesnít work out we flip his
off switch.

2. Linda: Umm does he even have an off switch?

3. [Offpanel] Ensam: Its too late to have a killswitch installed? Like an adult
circumcision you say?

Panel 2(favoring T&E): Tad and Mr. Ensam are standing right next to each other behind Mr. Ensamís desk. Tad smirks. Mr. Ensam laughs creepily, clutches his belly. Lindaís is at the foot of the steps, her back is to the camera.

1. Tad: For the amount of money weíre getting Iíd almost get
circumcised.

2. Mr. Ensam: HeheheHahahaHohoho

Panel 3(three shot): Linda is visibly excited, raises her arms up triumphantly. Tad shakes his head. Mr. Ensam suddenly looks quite serious.

1. Linda: Oh my god weíre getting bonuses?!

2. Tad: [shakes head]

3.Mr. Ensam: Hahehe-- [stops laughing abruptly]

Panel 4(three shot) : Tad gestures to only himself and Mr. Ensam. Lindaís arms sink. (Linda might look even smaller in this panel)

1. Tad: These are executive bonuses. You deal with the robot.

2.Linda: G0#$@!&it [swears under her breath.]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 6 (9 Panels)
Panel 1(2 shot): Linda and Mark are facing each other in the middle of a hallway, lined with art. She points to herself while speaking.

1. Linda: And now for a tour of the facilities. Wherever I go, you go.
Please follow closely or you will get lost.

2. Mark: Iím right behind you.

Panel 2(wide): The first stop is the main conference room. Linda and Mark appear very minuscule compared to the immense room.The table nearly spans the entire panel.
1. Linda: Here is the main conference room.
Panel 3: Linda and Mark are in the foreground. Walk past Receptionist desk. Receptionist in the background visibly freaked out. Mouth hanging open. Phone in hand.
1. Linda: This is the lobby obviously, Iíll introduce you to Debbie later.
Panel 4(two shot): Modern cafeteria (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/5/5b/HK_%E4%B8%8A%E7%92%B0_Sheung_Wan_%E6%96%B0%E7%B4%8 0%E5%85%83%E5%BB%A3%E5%A0%B4_Grand_Millennium_Plaz a_%E5%A4%A7%E5%AE%B6%E6%A8%82_Cafe_de_Coral_restau rant_June-2012.JPG), stainless steel tables and chairs. Mark and Linda walk past where food is served.
1. Linda: This is our cafeteria.
Panel 5(two shot): Linda is down a few steps. Mark rolls down stairs to her left, headfirst.
1. Linda: The steps are right by the cafeteria.
2. SFX (Mark hitting steps): SLAM

Panel 6: Mark continues to fall. Wheels in the air. Head hits steps.

1. SFX (Mark hitting steps): CRACK
Panel 7: Linda stands on the middle of the stairs. Mark can be partially seen on the floor.

1. Linda: And of course the elevators are to your right.

Panel 8(two shot): Linda kneels by a still shaken Mark, at the foot of the stairs. Next to two elevator doors.

2. Linda: Why didn't you say you can't walk down stairs?
3. Mark: Just following orders.

Panel 9(favor Linda): Linda stands, leaving Mark on the ground.
4. Linda: I know the feeling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Page 7 (7 Panels)
Panel 1(establishing): Two copy machines are running very hot from all the copies they have generate. There are several precariously tall paper stacks clustered around both machines. Copy room is dingy, compared to the clean look of the rest of the office. Clock with no hands on the wall.

Panel 2(wide): Mark and Linda enter busy copy room. Two workers are hunched over a computer, unaware that they entered.

Panel 3(closeup): Reveals job hunting website. Mouse hovers overs the exit bar. Linda clears throat offpanel.

1. Linda: [offpanel] Ahem. And this is our copy room.

Panel 4: Two stunned workers quickly exit the screen and turn to see Mark, who extends his hand to the person closest to him.

1. Linda: Carl, Lee meet Mark the newest member of the HR team.

2. Mark: Pleasure to meet you.

Panel 5(three shot): Mark still has hand outstretched. Carl and Lee are frozen in shock.
1. Caption: 5 minutes later

2. Linda: These two have a lot to deal with. Lets leave them to it.

Panel 6: Linda and Mark begin exiting left. Carl and Lee stand dazed.
1. Carl(whispering): That. refrigerator. just talked!

Panel 7(closeup): Lee is on his knees, hands on floor. Paper stacks resemble Planet of the Apes destroyed Statue of Liberty(if possible?)
5. Lee: [sigh] Welp. They finally did it. If robots are in HR, nobody is safe.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 8 (4 Panel)
Panel 1(two shot): Mark and Linda are nearly out of the copy room, EXIT sign is visible overhead. Double doors are pushed open.

1. SFX (Door): Smaaaack!

Panel 2(three shot): Employee with wild eyes, muttering to himself barges past. Mark and Linda do their best to stay out of the way.

2. Employee: Grumble grumble grumble.

Panel 3(two shot): Mark and Linda remain where they were.

1. Mark: Who was that?

2. Linda: One of our hardest workers. He may seem odd but
weíre almost positive he would never hurt anyone.

Panel 4(two shot): Mark and Linda are outside the copy room. Waiting for an elevator.
1. Linda However if you ever find yourself alone with him. Just smile, nod,
and back away slowly.
2. Mark: <thought bubble> Save to cloud memory, avoid scary human.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Page 9 (5 Panels)
Panel 1(two shot): Early morning. Tad and Linda are both opening their office doors. Linda smiles and greets Tad.

1. Linda: Morning Tad.
2. Tad: Good morning. I had the Robot EEOC Manual delivered to
your office after you left yesterday. Should be on your desk.

3. Linda: Thanks Tad. Iíll take a look.

Panel 2: Linda digs around her purse. Office key jingles.
SFX (key): jingle jingle
Panel 3(close up): Key in door, Linda twists knob.
1. SFX(door): click

Panel 4: The door is open in a manner that you canít quite see inside. Placard visible to the right of the door frame, reads ďLinda Shelton, Senior HR SpecialistĒ

Panel 5 (close): An enormous book sits on Lindaís desk. She is seated behind it and only her hands can be seen on the sides.

1. Linda: You have got to be kidding me.

Schuyler
08-26-2014, 12:02 PM
Page 1 (5 Panels)

Panel 1 (low angle) A brilliant, modern glass building juts into the early morning sky so high its upper half is obscured by cloud cover.

NO COPY (This is a note to your letterer telling them the panel has nothing for them.)

Panel 2 (wide) Glass window shatters. Birds flying nearby startled. A middle aged man in a suit, wearing a party hat has jumped out.

NO COPY

Panel 3 (low) The building towers over head. The man’s body is a dark silhouette in the clouds.

NO COPY

Panel 4 (wider) Taxi sits parked by the curb entrance to the building. The busy morning commuters on the sidewalk obscure Mark. The slick haired driver, can be seen shouting words of encouragement. Up above the body is more visible but no one below is aware.

1. Driver: Good luck with the interview there, pal! Missing comma

Panel 5 (extreme closeup on watch) The body lays contorted comically. Blood pooled beneath. The old man holds a cheap looking pocket watch that can be read. If this is an extreme closeup, we will only see the watch and part of his hand, maybe.

1. SFX (Body): CRUUUNCH

2. [inscription] We will never forget your 20 years of dedication here Roberta

Caption: First impressions are everything.


I am intrigued to know who this middle aged man is. Knowing a little bit about your story, I am guessing he is the old HR guy. This could work but it also might be distracting us from the reveal that you are trying to set up. The reader will keep wondering about that guy instead of wondering about Mark. I like the dialogue setup, though, but if it's all a setup for that line and the middle aged man never gets explained, I would drop this page.

Page 2 (5 Panels)
Panel 1(close up): In a cramped office. Linda has stacks of books on her cluttered desk. Firing for Dummies, But I’m Better than My Boss, and Occupational Yoga are two that can be seen. Mark is not visible.
1. Linda: Pardon the mess. We have had a crazy morning here!

Panel 2: Linda opens a desk drawer containing Mark’s resume.

2. Linda: Pleasure to meet you in person...I mean face to face. I
mean its good to meet you Mr. Mark.

2. Mark[offpanel] : Thanks. I’m excited to start working. Please call me Mark. You can just write OP instead of writing off panel.

Panel 3: Linda’s entire desk can be seen now. There is an unflattering window view to rooftops. Trashcan at the side of Linda’s desk has cake and a party hat in it. Linda peers down at resume in her hands.
1. Linda: I didn’t realize there were any Accounting vac--

Panel 4(extreme closeup): Partial resume (similar to this i suppose) information can be seen. Name. Profile. Education. The closeup is of Linda’s hands holding the resume.

[read] DVSCorp RS. Mark I
Profile
Proficient in comprehending and analyzing information derived
from human resource documents. Advanced mastery of human interpersonal relations. Adaptable being with necessary skill set required for any task.
Education
CMU HR Management - 4.5
MIT Master’s in Business Administration - 3.9

Panel 5(closeup): Linda looks confused, continues to scans resume. Mark speaks offpanel.

1. Linda: Wait? You’re DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
Assistant?

2. Mark[offpanel]: Name doesn't make much sense for a human does it?

I can tell that the panel descriptions are much better.

Page 3 (1 Panel)

Panel 1(splash): Mark is finally revealed. He sits, propped in a chair. not truly sitting. His wheels dangle off the edge. He looks small in the chair. Linda is frowning, shoulders slumped.

1. Linda: Sadly I’ve seen worse than yours, DVSCorp RS Mark I.

2. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.

When Josh (Crognus) said to create a splash, he said to put it on page two. That is because if this story ever got printed, your splash would not be on a page turn. We would end up seeing your big reveal before you truly intended us to. I know this is going to be a web comic and potentially every page is a page turn. But what if people really like it and they want printed copies? To correct this you will have to add one more page before the reveal. Or, lose your first page.

I will do some more soon.

RskimB
08-27-2014, 02:09 AM
Page 1 (5 Panels)

Panel 1 (low angle) A brilliant, modern glass building juts into the early morning sky so high its upper half is obscured by cloud cover.

NO COPY (This is a note to your letterer telling them the panel has nothing for them.)

noted. aside from yours and Crognus' advice. I'm reading Making Comics by Scott McCloud and need to get my hands on Alan Moore's Writing For Comics. do you have any recommended material I should check out?
Panel 2 (wide) Glass window shatters. Birds flying nearby startled. A middle aged man in a suit, wearing a party hat has jumped out.

NO COPY

Panel 3 (low) The building towers over head. The man’s body is a dark silhouette in the clouds.

NO COPY

Panel 4 (wider) Taxi sits parked by the curb entrance to the building. The busy morning commuters on the sidewalk obscure Mark. The slick haired driver, can be seen shouting words of encouragement. Up above the body is more visible but no one below is aware.

1. Driver: Good luck with the interview there, pal! Missing comma

Panel 5 (extreme closeup on watch) The body lays contorted comically. Blood pooled beneath. The old man holds a cheap looking pocket watch that can be read. If this is an extreme closeup, we will only see the watch and part of his hand, maybe.

1. SFX (Body): CRUUUNCH

2. [inscription] We will never forget your 20 years of dedication here Roberta

Caption: First impressions are everything.


I am intrigued to know who this middle aged man is. Knowing a little bit about your story, I am guessing he is the old HR guy. This could work but it also might be distracting us from the reveal that you are trying to set up. The reader will keep wondering about that guy instead of wondering about Mark. I like the dialogue setup, though, but if it's all a setup for that line and the middle aged man never gets explained, I would drop this page.

Hm, i was a bit worried that it could distract but i thought it could be a great insight into the company culture. i planned on touching on Robert's demise in a few pages, but maybe that's too far removed from his introduction?

Page 2 (5 Panels)
Panel 1(close up): In a cramped office. Linda has stacks of books on her cluttered desk. Firing for Dummies, But I’m Better than My Boss, and Occupational Yoga are two that can be seen. Mark is not visible.
1. Linda: Pardon the mess. We have had a crazy morning here!

Panel 2: Linda opens a desk drawer containing Mark’s resume.

2. Linda: Pleasure to meet you in person...I mean face to face. I
mean its good to meet you Mr. Mark.

2. Mark[offpanel] : Thanks. I’m excited to start working. Please call me Mark. You can just write OP instead of writing off panel.

Panel 3: Linda’s entire desk can be seen now. There is an unflattering window view to rooftops. Trashcan at the side of Linda’s desk has cake and a party hat in it. Linda peers down at resume in her hands.
1. Linda: I didn’t realize there were any Accounting vac--

Panel 4(extreme closeup): Partial resume (similar to this i suppose) information can be seen. Name. Profile. Education. The closeup is of Linda’s hands holding the resume.

[read] DVSCorp RS. Mark I
Profile
Proficient in comprehending and analyzing information derived
from human resource documents. Advanced mastery of human interpersonal relations. Adaptable being with necessary skill set required for any task.
Education
CMU HR Management - 4.5
MIT Master’s in Business Administration - 3.9

Panel 5(closeup): Linda looks confused, continues to scans resume. Mark speaks offpanel.

1. Linda: Wait? You’re DVSCorp RS. Mark I,the new Human Resources
Assistant?

2. Mark[offpanel]: Name doesn't make much sense for a human does it?

I can tell that the panel descriptions are much better.

Page 3 (1 Panel)

Panel 1(splash): Mark is finally revealed. He sits, propped in a chair. not truly sitting. His wheels dangle off the edge. He looks small in the chair. Linda is frowning, shoulders slumped.

1. Linda: Sadly I’ve seen worse than yours, DVSCorp RS Mark I.

2. Mark: Seriously, just Mark is fine.

When Josh (Crognus) said to create a splash, he said to put it on page two. That is because if this story ever got printed, your splash would not be on a page turn. We would end up seeing your big reveal before you truly intended us to. I know this is going to be a web comic and potentially every page is a page turn. But what if people really like it and they want printed copies? To correct this you will have to add one more page before the reveal. Or, lose your first page.

Hm maybe briefly returning to the events behind Robert's demise would be a good fit there then? I dont think I would want to lose that first page now

I will do some more soon.

thanks again Schuyler, looking forward to it. I should've waited another night to upload. my girlfriend is pointing out typos left and right now, I apologize .

AmitMosheOren
08-27-2014, 02:10 AM
I read it, and I quite liked it. It was fun to read and sometimes a little bit funny, but not enough in my taste. I don't know. I think all short comic books need to have a twist in the end, and in this one we didn't had one, however it is only my taste, so I do not think you need to listen to me because I'm maybe just talking nonsense. All of the problems I noticed you had in your script (I read only the first one) everyone said already. I want to wish you good luck, keep on writing, and I'll be more than glad if you can read my script that I posted here a few days ago (The Stranger from the Valley) and comment about that :)

RskimB
08-27-2014, 02:28 AM
I read it, and I quite liked it. It was fun to read and sometimes a little bit funny, but not enough in my taste. I don't know. I think all short comic books need to have a twist in the end, and in this one we didn't had one, however it is only my taste, so I do not think you need to listen to me because I'm maybe just talking nonsense. All of the problems I noticed you had in your script (I read only the first one) everyone said already. I want to wish you good luck, keep on writing, and I'll be more than glad if you can read my script that I posted here a few days ago (The Stranger from the Valley) and comment about that :)

Thanks for taking a look, even if it wasn't your cup of tea. I appreciate the honesty. The story is more than 8 pages actually but initially I just wanted unbiased opinion on whether the script was sound or not before I proceeded. I think now I need to rewrite things with more of an ending in mind. All the criticism and tips for revision have helped me a ton. I'm gonna keep plugging away, and hopefully improve haha. I'll check out your work now :D