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Newt
08-04-2014, 05:27 PM
This scenario occurred to me last night. I have a couple more pages worth of material in more nebulous form, but no real story yet. I thought I'd post this anyway and see what folks think. Would you keep reading a story with this as the first page?

CHARACTERS
Kevin MacAllister - White collar schlub. Short, chubby, balding, bespectacled.
Trish - Local news anchor. Big hair, beige sweater.


PAGE 1
10 panels in three rows. In the first row, 1.1 is widest; 1.2 is above 1.3; 1.4 is full height again. The remaining six are all the same size.


1.1 WIDE / KEVIN'S BEDROOM
This is a small, neat, sparsely accoutered room. The rest of the apartment is similar; it's small and shabby, but tidy. There are no pictures on the walls or knickknacks on the shelves. The inhabitant is a divorced neat freak.

The main things to include in the shot are the twin-sized bed and, to panel right, a bedside table bearing a smart phone, a pair of glasses, and a few books. A pair of khaki slacks and a white business shirt, both bloodstained, lie crumpled on the foot of the bed.

KEVIN lies asleep in bed, twisted up in his sheets; his feet are poking out, one with a black sock still on.

SFX (phone):
DEEDEEDEEDEEDEE


1.2 EXTREME CLOSEUP / OVERHEAD / BEDSIDE TABLE
Kevin's right hand fumbles at the phone. The display reads 6:00 and shows an alarm clock icon. Perhaps we can see some of the books more closely- at least one of the titles should be about accounting or similar.

Kevin's knuckles are bruised and swollen, and there is blood in the wrinkles of his knuckles and under his nails. He's clearly been in a fight.

SFX (phone):
DEEDE--*


1.3 LOW / CLOSEUP / TOP OF STAIRS
We can see just a foot or so above the carpeted floor.
View of Kevin's slippered feet - still with only one sock on - beginning the trek down the steps. The hem of his robe is just visible.

Kevin (small, wavery):
URRRGH...


1.4 MEDIUM / KEVIN'S KITCHEN
Kevin is standing in front of the coffee maker; both are almost silhouetted in the foreground. He is turning on a TV in the next room with a remote; the doorless entryway frames the other room. On the TV we see the local news anchor, TRISH, at her newsdesk, with an inset to the right showing a police badge.

Trish (electric):
...IS IN A COMA AFTER BEING BRUTALLY BEATEN LAST NIGHT DURING WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP.

SFX (remote) (small):
CLICK


1.5 MEDIUM / KEVIN'S KITCHEN
The image in this panel and the next two are identical except for Kevin's facial expression.

Kevin is sitting at his little square table, holding up a bagel spread with cream cheese in his right hand and a steaming coffee mug in his left (the mug is resting on the table, but he is holding the handle). There's a chipped plate on the table. He has taken the first bite of his bagel and is chewing. Kevin's eyes are barely open and his expression is neutral; he's not really awake yet. His thin hair is in disarray; he has stubble on his jaw and bags under his eyes. He wears a short-sleeved bathrobe.

Trish (off panel) (electric):
IN THIS SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE, YOU CAN SEE OFFICER HARRIS APPROACHING THE CAR. THE DRIVER APPARENTLY GRABS HARRIS AND PULLS HIS HEAD AND SHOULDERS IN THROUGH THE CAR WINDOW.


1.6
Same as 1.5, except that Kevin's eyes are now wide open in shock.

Trish (off panel) (electric):
AFTER A STRUGGLE, HARRIS FALLS UNCONSCIOUS TO THE GROUND AND THE SUSPECT DRIVES AWAY. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THE DRIVER OF THIS WHITE CHEVY CAVALIER...

Kevin:
THAT LOOKS LIKE MY...


1.7
Same as 1.6, except that Kevin's eyes have shifted from the TV to the hand holding the bagel.

Trish (off panel) (electric):
...WE URGE YOU TO CONTACT CAPTAIN GREGORY POULSON AT 617-9 (rest of number obscured by Kevin's speech balloon)

Kevin (small):
OH MY GOD...


1.8 EXTREME CLOSEUP
Kevin's bloody hand holding his bagel.

NO COPY


1.9 CLOSEUP
Kevin talks on his phone. His expression is blank. There are beads of sweat on his forehead.

Kevin:
GEOFF! IT'S KEVIN. I NEED YOUR HELP! I THINK I DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE LAST NIGHT...


1.10 CLOSEUP
Same as 1.9, but now Kevin's eyes are closed and his brow wrinkled.

Kevin:
OKAY. OKAY. I'LL MEET YOU THERE.

paul brian deberry
08-04-2014, 08:07 PM
NEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWT!

great formatting and nicely written.

crognus
08-05-2014, 12:27 AM
Ya. I'd probably read it. Definitely wants to make me figure out the circumstances leading to what happened. Good pacing on the page.

I think I would initially found it slightly unclear on whether he was turning on or off the TV, with the electric dialogue being before the Click SFX and not having seen the TV off prior, but the next panels make it clear.

Your art directions are so specific as far as how you want the panels laid out. I take it you are either an artist or have written a lot of scripts?

Luke Noonan
08-05-2014, 08:38 AM
PAGE 1
10 panels in three rows. In the first row, 1.1 is widest; 1.2 is above 1.3; 1.4 is full height again. The remaining six are all the same size.

Have you drawn this out as a thumbnail? Because I find it hard to picture.
As for the story, it is an interesting first page, although when you say Kevin is a neatness freak when it comes to his apartment but describe him as slightly slovenly after a night out, it's the slovenliness that stands out to me. I don't get which of the two aspects you're trying to emphasize.

Newt
08-05-2014, 10:42 AM
Thank you very much, guys!

The formatting is courtesy of Kurt Hathaway's format guide that he recently posted. Thanks Kurt! By the way, I did indent the dialogue in the draft, it just didn't carry over when I cut and pasted it here.

I placed the SFX below the dialogue simply because the remote control is lower in the panel than the TV. I'll move it.

I don't know how writers can just straight up visualize a whole page without drawing it; I thumbnailed this out first. What you're reading is basically a revised description of my thumbnails.

What I was hoping to get across with the slovenly/neat distinction is that this is an unusual occurrence for Kevin; he's the sort of person who would normally fold his clothes neatly before going to bed, and probably doesn't twist up his sheets. I don't know if I can successfully carry that across, though, or even if it's important to do so.

Newt
08-05-2014, 10:48 AM
Here's a mockup of the panel layout:

http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z161/Newt1453/untitled_zpsd4653f96.png (http://s194.photobucket.com/user/Newt1453/media/untitled_zpsd4653f96.png.html)

Not sure why that isn't showing...

Steven Forbes
08-05-2014, 01:31 PM
So, what I'm hearing is that you're going to be submitting this to TPG relatively soon?

Newt
08-05-2014, 01:41 PM
You want to crit two pages? :w00t:

I really don't know what to do with this. I have enough material to establish the problem, but I don't even know whether it should proceed as a detective story, a police/forensics procedural, a courtroom drama... So much for writing towards the ending.

Steven Forbes
08-05-2014, 01:54 PM
All I need is a full scene. :)

Newt
08-05-2014, 02:05 PM
OK, sharpen the knives. I'll get something in soon.

Scribbly
08-05-2014, 08:42 PM
Good story introduction. This can go places.
What I disagree is in the panel's layout.
For the amount of info you are requesting in the first 4 panels these panels should be of bigger size.
At least the first panel presentation should be occupying the whole first row for convey and make
noticeable all the details you are asking for.
As they are these images would look too small and cramped and these small details will be lost.

The panels with the faces in close up could be of smaller size to compensate.
Maybe distributing these 10 panels in two pages or one page and half could be the solution.
Keep it up.

Newt
08-06-2014, 12:27 PM
Thanks Scribbly! I was concerned that I had too many panels, but I didn't know what I could cut.