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GuavaLava
07-31-2014, 01:24 AM
Just a few notes before you begin:

This script is supposed to be four pages so please keep that in mind when you are giving feedback. I have to work within that restriction. Also, it's in the style of a "Future Shock." For those unfamiliar with 2000AD, it is basically a sci-fi story with a twist-ending. Thought I should put that out there to see if I did a good job.
Thanks in advance for reading.


PAGE 1
Panel 1
We are inside a fluorescent hospital room where a woman is going through labor pains. This is our protagonist Melinda Gomez. Taking into account that she is giving birth naturally (no medication) she is in substantial pain. There is a doctor and a nurse in the room as well as a hologram screen displaying the patient’s vitals (as evident by some of the technology and references this story takes place in the future so you can add as many “futuristic” details as you’d like).

Caption 1: MY NAME IS MELINDA GOMEZ, DECORATED VETERAN OF WWIII, FORMER AGENT OF THE BUREAU OF TRANSDIMENSIONAL INTELLIGENCE, AND SOON TO BE MOTHER.

Caption 2: I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE. SPACE DIVING. SHARK HUNTING. MEXICAN FOOD DRENCHED IN HABANERO SAUCE. GUESS THAT’S WHY I CHOSE MY LINE OF WORK…
Melinda: GODDAMNIT! TAKE HIM COME OUT ALREADY!

SFX: AAGGHHHH!

Panel 2
Close in on Melinda’s face being twisted by the pain of a medication-free child birth. Sweat is trickling down her forehead.

Caption: …AND WHY I DECIDED ON A NATURAL BIRTH. IN A FEW MINUTES I’LL BE A MOTHER AND ALL OF THAT WILL BE OVER.

SFX: AGGGHHHHH!

Melinda: MY HUSBAND…WHERE IS…

Panel 3

Two very smug men dressed in black suits walk into the room. They are flashing their BTI badges at the staff. Pull out a good deal here and make this a page-wide shot. Agent Jones is older, wrinklier, and sports graying hair. He is a distinguished gentleman. Agent Carson is younger and good looking in a more youthful way (we might not be able to make out their facial features just yet considering the distance from the reader).

Agent Jones: THAT’S EXACTLY WHO WE WERE LOOKING FOR AS WELL. ASIDE FROM THE LITTLE ONE OF COURSE. NOT EVERY DAY A GLITCH IS BORN TO A HUMAN MOTHER.

Agent Carson: IT’S THE FIRST TIME, ACTUALLY. CALL IT SCIENTIFIC CURIOSITY.

Melinda: GET. OUT. YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY BABY! GET NEAR ME AND I SWEAR TO GOD —AAGGHH!-- I’LL CUT OFF ALL FOUR OF YOUR BALLS!

Doctor: PLEASE SETTLE DOWN, MS. GOMEZ. I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHY YOU’RE HERE BUT BOTH OF YOU GENTLEMEN NEED TO LEAVE THIS ROOM IMMEDIATELY.

Caption: IN A FEW MINUTES I’LL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY OF MY OWN. A FAMILY TO CALL MY OWN.

Panel 4
(Panels 4-6 are the same size and make up the last row)
Push back in and tighten up on the two agents. This shot should be from the waist up. We can now see their facial features clearly.

Agent Jones: IS THAT HOW YOU TREAT OLD COLLEAGUES? THREATENING THEM? LISTEN, WE JUST WANT TO HAVE AN HONEST DISCUSSION WITH YOU.

Agent Carson: C’MON, GOMEZ. YOU KNOW THE STAKES. YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T KEEP THIS BABY. YOU WERE ONE OF US. HOW’S YOU THINK THAT’LL LOOK, HUH? THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THAT.

Agent Jones: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DIPLOMACY, AGENT CARSON?

Agent Carson: YOU KNOW WE GOTTA SEND BOTH O’THEM GLITCHES BACK INSIDE THAT BIG-ASS COMPUTER SO WHY ARE WE DELIBERATING HERE?

Caption: THE FUNNY THING IS…

Hospital Intercom: CODE SILVER. I REPEAT, CODE silver (This means that a patient is in possession of a weapon inside the hospital. This detail will become important in the final pages.)

Panel 5
Agent Jones is standing in front of Melinda. Melina’s water broke mid-conversation so she looks dumbfounded.

Agent Jones: I THINK IT’S BEST WE WAIT UNTIL BOTH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SON GET HERE TO DISCUSS OUR OPTIONS.

Melinda: OUR OPTIONS? I’M DONE FOLLOWING ORDERS, JONES. THIS IS MY DECISION. I AM KEEPING THIS BABY. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM! SHIT. MY WATER BROKE.

Panel 6
Close in on Agent Jones’ face. He means business.

Agent Jones: VERY WELL. AGENT CARSON, TELL THE BOYS TO SEAL THE FLOOR. WE MIGHT HAVE TO GO WITH PLAN B.

Caption: ...I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANTED A FAMILY UNTIL I MET HIM.


PAGE 2

Panel 1:
A wide shot of a desk full of case files at the top of the page. Melinda’s lover is on one of them. He only has one name—Kurt. He is a good looking man with black hair. Kurt, is a Computer Generated Lifeform that migrated into our world. His body is solid like ours but it occasionally glitches and looks distorted for about a second. Imagine the image on an analog television set being distorted. There are other case files on the desk that you can have fun with. Remember, she deals with criminals from other dimensions so you have plenty of freedom to craft some freaky-looking creature.

Caption 1: HE WAS A TARGET BACK AT THE BUREAU. I WAS WORKING THE CGLS AT THE TIME. COMPUTER GENERATED LIFEFORMS. PEOPLE THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE INSIDE A VIRTUAL REALITY WORLD BUT ESCAPED. HE NAMED HIMSELF KURT AFTER HE CROSSED-OVER. READ SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE AND IT BLEW HIS PIXELATED MIND.

Caption 2: CGLS AREN’T PROGRAMMED FOR EARTH SO THEY CROSS-OVER BY HACKING THEIR SOURCE CODE TO MAKE IT DIMENSION-COMPATIBLE. THEIR CODE WAS WRITTEN TO SELF-DELETE IF THEY EVER CROSS-OVER. A SCRIPT IS WRITTEN IN TO CONSTANTLY OVERRIDE THAT. IT MAKES THEM WORK ALL WONKY. THAT’S WHY THE AGENTS CALLED THEM GLITCHES. BUT I SAW MORE THAN THAT IN HIM. I SAW A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

INSET: Close-up of Melinda smiling.

Panel 2
(panels 2-4 should all be the same size and next to each other)
Let’s begin the flashback montage. Melinda is sitting next to a good-looking man at a dive bar. They are dressed very casual. Leather jackets, jeans, and t-shirts. The man’s upper body is currently ‘glitching’. It is obvious they are flirting with each other.

Caption: I HADN’T BEEN THIS NERVOUS UNDERCOVER SINCE I WAS A ROOKIE. HE TALKED ABOUT SETTLING DOWN AND HAVING A FAMILY. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THE THOUGHT DIDN’T SCARE ME. IT WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT TYPE OF THRILL. I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.

Panel 3
They are now at a fancy restaurant. They are dressed a lot snazzier. For example, Melinda is wearing an elegant diamond necklace and sleek black dress. Once again the Glitch is glitching. People are staring at him. Some of them look uncomfortable and disturbed.

Caption: ALTHOUGH IT WENT AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT, WE BEGAN TO DATE. PEOPLE WERE UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND US. WE DIDN’T CARE. WE WERE HAPPY. SLOWLY WE GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER…

Panel 4
The Glitch is undressing Melinda (her top). They are covered by shadows. No nudity.

Caption: …PRETTY WELL.

Panel 5
(Panels 5-7 should make up the last row)
They are lying in bed in the middle of the night. Post-coital. Kurt is in tears. Melinda is consoling him.

Caption: HE TOLD ME ABOUT LIFE INSIDE THE QUANTUM COMPUTER. HOW HE HAD TO KILL CHILDREN WHO WERE WRITTEN WITH BAD CODE. THAT DIDN’T WORK PROPERLY. HE DESCRIBED THE HORRIBLE SHIT HE DID TO THEM.

Panel 6
Computer scientist are inside a lab typing away at their computers. In the background you can see a quantum computer—a gigantic black box.

Caption: THESE COMPUTER GENIUSES HAD BUILT A GIGANTIC MEGACOMPUTER THAT WOULD CREATE A VIRTUAL REALITY WORLD. THEY WOULD THEN USE THIS TO SIMULATE THE CREATION OF A UTOPIAN SOCIETY FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH.

Panel 7
Kurt holding a big-ass gun to a baby being held by his crying mother. Kurt looks like he does not want to do this. This is in the virtual reality world so it has to look somewhat different from the rest of the story. Maybe make it look like it’s on a television screen? The baby looks like he’s made out of television static. This is an utopian society so the background should look very beautiful and futuristic.

Caption: HIS JOB WAS TO KEEP THIS WORLD PERFECT. HE DECIDED HE’D RATHER LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD THAN HAVE ALL HIS EVIL SHIT COME BACK TO HIM ONE DAY.
Mother: DON’T! (I would like this in binary code, which would be: 01100100011011110110111000100111011101000000110100 001010. I used a text to binary translator I found on Google. If it doesn’t fit then forget it.)



PAGE 3

Panel 1
(Panels 1-3 should all be next to each other at the top of the page)
Kurt is inside a room with a couple of hackers and bunch of computers. He is looking at his hands in disbelief as they start glitching.

Caption: SO HE CROSSED OVER.

Panel 2
Melinda and Kurt are having a conversation inside a coffee shop. Kurt is going mad and Melinda is attempting to calm him down.

Caption: HE COMPLETELY FREAKED WHEN I TOLD HIM I WAS AN AGENT.

Melinda: PLEASE DON’T PANIC. I’M QUITTING. FOR US. I’M COMPLETELY AND STUPIDLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. I WANT US TO BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER. BESIDES, I’M PREGNANT WITH YOUR SON.

Panel 3
They are now holding hands and looking at each other fondly.

Kurt: BUT I CAN’T RAISE A KID. ALL THE THINGS I DID TO THEM…I MEAN, WHAT IF THEY TRY TAKING HIM AWAY? THEY DON’T WANT US HERE!

Melinda: YOU’RE REPROGRAMMED, KURT. YOU’RE NOT CAPABLE OF THOSE ATROCITIES ANYMORE. YOU’LL BE A GREAT FATHER. BESIDES, I KNOW YOU’LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP US TOGETHER.

Caption: BUT HE CAME AROUND.

Panel 4
Close in on Agent Carson’s panicked face as he presses down on the communicating device that is inside his ear.
Agent Carson: UHM, SIR. I’M NOT GETTING A RESPONSE FROM ANYONE. YOU THINK HE’S HERE?

Panel 5
A tight, waist-up shot of Agent Jones pulling out his gun from his holster.
Agent Jones: HE’S COMING. GET READY, AGENT CARSON. IT MIGHT GET A LITTLE MESSY. SORRY, GOMEZ. YOU WERE A DAMN GOOD FIELD AGENT SO THIS ISN’T EASY.

Panel 6
Pull out and make this a wide view of the hospital room—a blood-soaked Kurt is breaking through the door while the doctor and nurse assist with the birth of Melinda’s child. Agent Jones has his gun pointed at Melinda.

Doctor: SHE’S CROWNING. JUST KEEP PUSHING.

Nurse: WHAT THE—

SFX: KABOOM!

Panel 7
Kurt shoots Agent Carson in the head. You are free to make this as graphic or non-
SFX: Various screams from the nursing staff

Panel 8
Kurt is now facing a terrified Agent Jones and has a gun pointed at him.
Agent Jones: PLEASE, KURT, PUT IT DOWN AND LET’S HAVE A CIVILIZED DISCUSSION ABOUT--

PAGE 4

Panel 1
A wide shot of Kurt standing in the middle of the hospital room. Both agents are lying dead on the floor. He smiles sinisterly as he walks towards Melinda. The doctor and nurse run away in horror.

Kurt: THAT’S HIM. MY SON.

Caption: WHAT HAVE I DONE? I HAD A CHILD WITH A MURDERER! A MAN THAT WAS LITERALLY PROGRAMMED TO MURDER.

Panel 2
Kurt approaches Melinda. Melinda is completely horrified at the events that just took place. Kurt is looking at his newborn son with great admiration.

Melinda: KURT…WHAT DID YOU DO?

Kurt: WHAT HAD TO BE DONE, MY LOVE. WHAT HAD TO BE DONE. THE CORD IS STILL ATTACHED. CAN I CUT IT?

Melinda: BUT—BUT—WE REPROGRAMMED YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A CHANGED MAN! WHEN I SAID ‘WHATEVER IT TAKES’ I MEANT TAKING LEGAL ACTION. NOT FUCKING MURDER!

Panel 3
Melinda is holding her son tightly and does not want Kurt to hold him. Kurt seems detached from all the carnage and is solely focused on his son.

Melinda: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, KURT? AN ENTIRE HOSPITAL STAFF SAW YOU GUN DOWN AGENTS. WE’RE FUCKED! THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE HIM!

Kurt: MELIDA, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH. CAN’T YOU SEE HOW MARVELOUS THIS IS? THE FIRST CGL BORN INTO YOUR WORLD AND HE’S NOT EVEN-

Panel 4
The baby starts to distort. It’s much more than just glitching. It looks like he’s being twisted and split apart.

Melinda: WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY SON! MAKE IT STOP!! FOR FUCK’S SAKE MAKE IT STOP!

Kurt: HIS CODE! OH SHIT! WE NEED TO RE-WRITE HIS---

Panel 5
The baby disappears. He’s gone. Melinda is hysterical.

Melinda: MY SON! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SON, YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED MY SON!

Kurt: I GUESS HE WAS BORN WITH THE ORIGINAL SOURCE CODE. I DIDN’T PASS ON MY CODE. WE SHOULD HAVE HACKED IT AND WRITTEN A SCRIPT TO--
BTI AGENT (Off-panel): PUT YOUR GODDAMN HANDS ON YOUR HEAD AND GET ON YOUR KNEES! DO IT NOW!!

Panel 6
Kurt is on his knees as BTI agents in riot gear approach. Melinda is crying on her bed.
Melinda: MY SON! MY SON! WHERE IS MY SOOONNN?!?

Caption: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A RISK-TAKER BUT I TOOK THE STUPIDEST RISK OF THEM ALL. I LET MYSELF FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG GUY.

The end.

LukePierce
07-31-2014, 04:22 AM
For four pages this is... a bit too wordy. I've read a lot of Future Shocks as well and you may want to think about condensing your text as much as possible because you're not really giving any kind of chance to the artist to express themselves.

However, saying all that, Page 1 is fairly decent, you're aware of your writing and giving direction but as you go through the script, your panels lack less and less direction and begin to become moving panels. As Steven Forbes loves pointing out, an artist can't draw something that moves, it's impossible.

A good example is this:
Panel 5
The baby disappears. He’s gone. Melinda is hysterical.

How is the artist meant to draw that scene?
There's an awful lot going on that could potentially be in two panels there. It's an easy fix though, you could try:

Panel 5
Melinda is left holding an empty space as the baby has disappeared completely from view. She looks hysterical.

I'm sure others can expand a bit more on this, however the main points are:

- Far too many words
- Moving panels

Other than that, I do actually quite like this and I personally think this would actually work a lot better as a longer story.

GuavaLava
07-31-2014, 11:34 AM
Yes. Wordiness was definitely an issue when revising. I'd like to stick to 4 pages though if at all possible. That's how long the Future Shock submissions should be. Plus, I like the challenge of working within strict guidelines.

As far as page 4, panel 5 goes I can easily fix that. I didn't describe that panel well. The previous panel shows the baby distorting. Panel 5 should just have the baby no longer there.

crognus
07-31-2014, 05:11 PM
I'm just an amateur, but I am going to try to point out the problems I am seeing. For more information on script writing I recommend checking out comixtribe.com.

PAGE 1
Panel 1
We are inside a fluorescent hospital room where a woman is going through labor pains. What is the angle? Is it a top down view? You mention holograms, a doctor, and Melinda. Who is the focus on?This is our protagonist Melinda Gomez. Taking into account that she is giving birth naturally (no medication) she is in substantial pain. How does the artist show that she isn't on medication? Remember comics are a visual medium. Saying she is in pain doesn't say how you want the artist to show she is in pain. There is a doctor and a nurse in the room as well as a hologram screen displaying the patient’s vitals (as evident by some of the technology and references this story takes place in the future so you can add as many “futuristic” details as you’d like).There are some parts of the description that are wordy, while other parts that are lacking detail. I can't really get a clear image of the room or angle. The first panel, or establishing shot, is the most important to describe for the artist.

Caption 1: MY NAME IS MELINDA GOMEZ, DECORATED VETERAN OF WWIII, FORMER AGENT OF THE BUREAU OF TRANSDIMENSIONAL INTELLIGENCE, AND SOON TO BE MOTHER.

Caption 2: I’VE ALWAYS BEEN AN ADRENALINE JUNKIE. SPACE DIVING. SHARK HUNTING. MEXICAN FOOD DRENCHED IN HABANERO SAUCE. GUESS THAT’S WHY I CHOSE MY LINE OF WORK…

Melinda(shout): GODDAMNIT! MAKE HIM COME OUT ALREADY!

SFX: AAGGHHHH! I don't think the timing of this works. She can't be making SFX and talking at the same time...I think this should be dialogue. (Eg. MELINDA(shout): AAGGGGHHH! GODDAMNIT)

crognus
07-31-2014, 05:20 PM
Panel 2
Close in on Melinda’s face being twisted by the pain of a medication-free child birth. Sweat is trickling down her forehead.

Caption: …AND WHY I DECIDED ON A NATURAL BIRTH. IN A FEW MINUTES I’LL BE A MOTHER AND ALL OF THAT WILL BE OVER. Adding the second sentence detracts from the impact. It isn't part of the same "thought." I would split the caption (CAPTION: BUT IN A FEW MINUTES I'LL BE A MOTHER, AND ALL THAT WILL BE OVER.)

SFX: AGGGHHHHH!Once again, I think this should be cut from the panel. If you really want to use it, I think you should put the SFX in the first panel, and move all dialogue to the second panel. (eg. Melinda: GODDAMNIT! MY HUSBAND, WHERE IS--

Melinda: MY HUSBAND…WHERE IS…Use a double dash. In comics, a double dash shows someone is interrupted. An elipses shows a pause. They are NOT interchangable.

crognus
07-31-2014, 05:39 PM
Panel 3

Two very smug I find the word smug a little ambigious in this panel. Does it mean they are smiling from self-importance, or does it mean they look stolid like they just don't care?men dressed in black suits walk into the room. They are flashing their BTI badges at the staff. Pull out a good deal here and make this a page-wide shot. Okay, it's a wide shot, but I don't get what angle again. Since we can see the logo on the badges I assume we would have to be looking over the shoulders of Melinda? Then, with the order of the dialogue I assume the agents would be on the left, Melinda in the middle, and the doctor on her right? If this is the case, we won't be able to see Melinda's face when she screams at the agents. Agent Jones is older, wrinklier, and sports graying hair. He is a distinguished gentleman. Agent Carson is younger and good looking in a more youthful way (we might not be able to make out their facial features just yet considering the distance from the reader). If we can't see their faces how can we tell they are smug?

Agent Jones: THAT’S EXACTLY WHO WE WERE LOOKING FOR AS WELL. ASIDE FROM THE LITTLE ONE OF COURSE. NOT EVERY DAY A GLITCH IS BORN TO A HUMAN MOTHER.

Agent Carson: IT’S THE FIRST TIME, ACTUALLY. CALL IT SCIENTIFIC CURIOSITY. The dialogue doesn't make sense to me. The agents are flashing their badges, which means they would probably talking to either the scientist or Melinda. Not each other. Have you ever had someone shove something in your face while they were talking to someone else? Maybe they should be outside, talking to each other, saying this. And then in the next panel they burst in, with Melinda yelling at them?

Personally, I think you should split the panel here. That way you can show how angry Melinda is. There is so much more to it than this, but maybe if you try to think of a panel like a paragraph it would help. All the dialogue has to make sense together. The first two lines don't really have to do with Melinda's reaction

Melinda(shout): GET. OUT. YOU’RE NOT TAKING MY BABY! GET NEAR ME AND I SWEAR TO GOD (double dash, there are no Em or En dashes in comics --AAGGHH!--I’LL CUT OFF ALL FOUR OF YOUR BALLS!

I would split this into 3 connected bubbles like this.

Melinda: GET OUT! YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY BABY! GET NEAR ME, AND I SWEAR TO GOD--
Melinda: AAGGHH
Melinda: --I'LL CUT OFF ALL FOUR OF YOUR BALLS!


Doctor: PLEASE SETTLE DOWN, MS. GOMEZ. I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE OR WHY YOU’RE HERE, BUT BOTH OF YOU GENTLEMEN NEED TO LEAVE THIS ROOM IMMEDIATELY.

Caption: IN A FEW MINUTES I’LL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY OF MY OWN. A FAMILY TO CALL MY OWN.

GuavaLava
07-31-2014, 05:41 PM
Thank you.

I'll work on describing her pain (or how she shows that pain) when I revise.

I had a problem deciding how much dialogue to give her and when to have her make SFX. I'll rework some of her dialogue.

crognus
07-31-2014, 06:11 PM
Panel 4
(Panels 4-6 are the same size and make up the last row)
Push back in and tighten up on the two agents. This shot should be from the waist up. We can now see their facial features clearly.

Agent Jones: IS THAT HOW YOU TREAT OLD COLLEAGUES? THREATENING THEM? LISTEN, WE JUST WANT TO HAVE AN HONEST DISCUSSION WITH YOU.

Agent Carson: C’MON, GOMEZ. YOU KNOW THE STAKES. YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T KEEP THIS BABY. YOU WERE ONE OF US. HOW’S YOU THINK THAT’LL LOOK, HUH? THOUGHT YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THAT.

Agent Jones: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO DIPLOMACY, AGENT CARSON?This is going to be confusing here, they are talking to Melinda, then they start talking to each other. Sidenote: Isn't Carson being diplomatic? He's trying to talk to Melinda into giving up the baby. Is he pointing a gun at her or something? If he isn't holding a gun, he should have said something less diplomatic (eg. CARSON(shout): ONE WAY OR ANOTHER YOU ARE GIVING UP THE BABY, BITCH!)

Agent Carson: YOU KNOW WE GOTTA SEND BOTH O’THEM GLITCHES BACK INSIDE THAT BIG-ASS COMPUTER SO WHY ARE WE DELIBERATING HERE?And because of that switch, I don't know who they are talking to here. The art won't help either. Because they will both be looking at Melinda due to their first lines of dialogue. If Carson, is talking to Jones he needs to turn his head, but he can't, otherwise it would be a moving panel. Basically, if they start talking to each other split the panel again.

Caption: THE FUNNY THING IS…

Hospital Intercom: CODE SILVER. I REPEAT, CODE silver (This means that a patient is in possession of a weapon inside the hospital. This detail will become important in the final pages.)

crognus
07-31-2014, 06:30 PM
I'm getting off work now. So, I'll finish reading later.

GuavaLava
07-31-2014, 06:44 PM
That's okay. You've been a lot of help! Gonna get started on some re-writing.

crognus
07-31-2014, 07:13 PM
That's okay. You've been a lot of help! Gonna get started on some re-writing.

You're welcome :)

crognus
07-31-2014, 07:40 PM
Panel 5

Agent Jones is standing in front of Melinda. Melina’s water broke mid-conversation so she looks dumbfounded. I think this either implies a profile view, or over the shoulder of Agent Jones...but I'm not sure which

Agent Jones: I THINK IT’S BEST WE WAIT UNTIL BOTH YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SON GET HERE TO DISCUSS OUR OPTIONS.

Melinda: OUR OPTIONS? I’M DONE FOLLOWING ORDERS, JONES. THIS IS MY DECISION. I AM KEEPING THIS BABY. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM! SHIT. MY WATER BROKE.

Keep in mind that a panel can't move. This means, as it is written, Melinda looks dumbfounded saying everything before she says her water broke. But the dialogue "Our options...Get the hell out of my room!" doesn't match looking dumbfounded. Here she should look angry. You need to split your dialogue correctly. In comics you can only show ONE expression per panel. All the dialogue needs to match that ONE expression.

I would make her look angry in this panel, end the dialogue on "NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY R--". Then cut to a POV panel, from the view of Agent Jones, of Melinda looking down at her stomach dumbfounded (Melinda: --SHIT...MY WATER JUST BROKE....).

crognus
07-31-2014, 07:58 PM
Panel 6
Close in on Agent Jones’ face. He means business

Agent Jones: VERY WELL. AGENT CARSON, TELL THE BOYS TO SEAL THE FLOOR. WE MIGHT HAVE TO GO WITH PLAN B.

Caption: ...I DIDN’T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANTED A FAMILY UNTIL I MET HIM.In my opinion, the fact that you reversed angle on to Agent Jone's face implies that he is the "him" referred to in the caption, but I don't think this is the case...You need to be careful about how your captions interact with what you are seeing in the panel.

crognus
08-01-2014, 02:23 AM
PAGE 2

Panel 1:
A wide shot of a desk full of case files at the top of the page. Melinda’s lover is on one of them. He only has one name—Kurt. He is a good looking man with black hair. Kurt, is a Computer Generated Lifeform that migrated into our world. His body is solid like ours but it occasionally glitches and looks distorted for about a second. Imagine the image on an analog television set being distorted. Character descriptions, for main characters, should not be put into a panel description. They belong either in a separate document, at least before the script.There are other case files on the desk that you can have fun with. Remember, she deals with criminals from other dimensions so you have plenty of freedom to craft some freaky-looking creature. Is this panel description complete? You said there was a desk at the top of the panel, what's in the rest of the panel?

One thing you have to be careful of too, is that comics can't show flickering. Candles, lights, and holograms can't flicker, because panels can't move. At most you can distort him in some panels, or imply he flickers by having part of his body distorted. But keep in mind he will be distorted for the full duration of the panel, he cannot flicker in and out of view.

In my opinion, a good alternative option would be to have parts of him (arm, leg, etc.) appear pixelated and see-through in some panels, then solid in the next panel, with a different part of him being pixelated and see-through.


Caption 1: HE WAS A TARGET BACK AT THE BUREAU. I WAS WORKING THE CGLS AT THE TIME. COMPUTER GENERATED LIFEFORMS. PEOPLE THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO LIVE INSIDE A VIRTUAL REALITY WORLD BUT ESCAPED. HE NAMED HIMSELF KURT AFTER HE CROSSED-OVER. READ SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE AND IT BLEW HIS PIXELATED MIND.

Caption 2: CGLS AREN’T PROGRAMMED FOR EARTH SO THEY CROSS-OVER BY HACKING THEIR SOURCE CODE TO MAKE IT DIMENSION-COMPATIBLE. THEIR CODE WAS WRITTEN TO SELF-DELETE IF THEY EVER CROSS-OVER. A SCRIPT IS WRITTEN IN TO CONSTANTLY OVERRIDE THAT. IT MAKES THEM WORK ALL WONKY. THAT’S WHY THE AGENTS CALLED THEM GLITCHES. BUT I SAW MORE THAN THAT IN HIM. I SAW A BEAUTIFUL MAN.

These are two very long and boring captions (not that the content is boring, just the way it is presented). You are writing a comic. Comics allow you to describe things with words and pictures...Why wouldn't you utilize that ability? This idea of CGLS sound like they are pretty cool, but all we get too look at is a picture of a case file (not very exciting).

Use images that help you understand what you are saying.

INSET: Close-up of Melinda smiling. An inset panel is still a panel. This could be confusing, especially for the letterer.

Panel 2. Small panel. Inset in previous panel. Close up of Melinda smiling.(Because she is probably in a different setting than the previous page here too, you may want to describe a little about what setting she is in. Or at least say something like, "Zoom in so close you can't see what is behind her")

LukePierce
08-01-2014, 07:16 AM
Are you auditioning as an editor for the Proving Grounds by any chance? ;)

Incidentally, you should definitely submit your revised script, it'll be brutal but extremely helpful.

crognus
08-01-2014, 10:41 AM
Are you auditioning as an editor for the Proving Grounds by any chance? ;)

Incidentally, you should definitely submit your revised script, it'll be brutal but extremely helpful.

No, I'm just trying to be helpful. I am nowhere near experienced enough to be an editor for The Proving Grounds. Also, teaching is one of the best ways to learn. :)

I used to teach ESL (English as a Second Language), and teaching classes made me learn a hell alot more about English than actually taking English classes in college.

crognus
08-01-2014, 12:04 PM
Panel 2
(panels 2-4 should all be the same size and next to each other)Intrusive art direction. There is no logical reason these panels need to be the same size and next to each other. They aren't happening in a quick, set sequence. They aren't small atmospheric shots, establishing a setting. Maybe if all of the panels were a montage of them "getting to know each other better" or have a more set logical connection there would be a reason to give the artist this specific of directions. Moral of the story: Unless you have a specific reason for wanting panels laid out a certain way, let the artist decide the layout.

I suggest, when reading a comic, try to actively understand why panels are laid out the way they are. Look for comics that utilize this technique, of having a line of panels that are the same size, and think about why they used it.

Let’s begin the flashback montage. Melinda is sitting next to a good-looking man at a dive bar. You need to be more descriptive about where exactly they are in the bar. Are they at the bar counter or table? Are there other people in the bar right now, or is it empty? This is a new establishing shot, you need to make it clear where they are.They are dressed very casual. Leather jackets, jeans, and t-shirts. The man’s upper body is currently ‘glitching’. It is obvious they are flirting with each other.

Caption: I HADN’T BEEN THIS NERVOUS UNDERCOVER SINCE I WAS A ROOKIE. HE TALKED ABOUT SETTLING DOWN AND HAVING A FAMILY. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THE THOUGHT DIDN’T SCARE ME. IT WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT TYPE OF THRILL. I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH HIM.

Flashbacks can be confusing in a comic. You want to do everything possible to make it clear. Even though the writing is in past tense, most writing/novels still use past tense sentences to convey what is going on now, or a few seconds ago. ("I took the glass and sat down at the table. The man, across from me, looked at me and smiled." vs "I take the glass and sit down at the table. The man, across from me, looks at me and smiles.") In both examples you get the feeling it is happening in the present, despite the first one being in past tense.

You don't have to be as blatant as puting a caption that says "CAP: Nine months ago" but you do need to do something to make it clear. I suggest a little rearranging of the caption. For example.

CAP: I FIRST MET HIM AT THIS SMALL DIVE BAR DOWNTOWN. HE TALKED ABOUT SETTLING DOWN...

Another thing too. The caption has contradictory logic. First she says she is nervous " I HADN’T BEEN THIS NERVOUS UNDERCOVER SINCE I WAS A ROOKIE." Then she says she is not scared "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE THE THOUGHT DIDN’T SCARE ME." It makes it hard for the reader to relate with what she is feeling.

GuavaLava
08-01-2014, 01:50 PM
I can see how this might be a waste of a panel. I liked the image of a bunch of files on the desk but it doesn't really do much to further the story.

crognus
08-01-2014, 02:07 PM
I can see how this might be a waste of a panel. I liked the image of a bunch of files on the desk but it doesn't really do much to further the story.

Ya, I can't wait to see your second draft! It has a lot of potential.