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View Full Version : Mystiker: Better, worse, or more of the same?


Schuyler
07-20-2014, 12:47 PM
This is an attempted rewrite of my recent TPG. Of course, everyone is welcome to comment. I would really like it if Steven, Yannick, and Alyssa could say something.

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. Profile of skeleton-Golgoth as he walks through a hedge maze. The hedge is tall so the camera cannot see anything besides Golgoth and a thick hedge background. The floor is made of stone, pieced together in a mosaic.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is neither like the mountain that stands in one place, nor is it like the river, which has only one destination.”

Panel 2. The camera is above and behind Golgoth so that the hedge maze is obvious now. He approaches a dead-end.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is more akin to a maze.”

Panel 2. Front shot of Íńigo, a hedge wall behind him. He waits at a dead-end with his short sword in hand and a sinister smile on his face. His outlines are ghostly as if he is not really there.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Sometimes there are walls.”

Panel 3. Front shot of Vittoria with a maze hallway behind her that stretches into shadow. This image of Vittoria is a grown woman with her sorceress gear on. She holds a leash to a ferocious hell hound, with smoke pouring from its nostrils. It wants to leap from the leash, yet Vittoria’s hand has a steady hold. She also smiles a sinister smile. Standing behind Vittoria is her golem. He is taller than her so we can see him but much of his body is blocked by Vittoria and her dog. Vittoria, her dog, and her golem have the same ghostly outlines that Íńigo had.

CAP (Golgoth):
“And sometimes there are ways.”

Panel 4. Vittoria begins to fade into a smaller Vittoria. Her dog and golem begin to fade completely. I imagine this panel to be a ghosting mesh of panel three and panel five.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time was just beginning to unravel before me and I had a lot to learn about influencing people.”

Panel 5. Vittoria is a young girl in the maze and she is very afraid. Her hands thrown in front of herself in fear, her face showing terror. The dog and golem are gone.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is always catching up to me faster than I think it should.”

VITTORIA:
Old Ghost? Are you there?

PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. The camera sits half underground allowing us to see Golgoth under a small layer of snow. Just beyond where he is buried is a half wall also covered in snow. Vittoria stands on the other side of the half wall looking terrified. Heironomo stands next to her with his arm around her, looking a little scared himself. Behind them is a small road that leads to a one story house in the distance. The house is indistinct at this distance and it is covered in snow. But smoke pours from its chimney. It is just before midnight and the moon is overhead lighting the winter scene.

CAP (Golgoth):
“I had called out to Vittoria a few weeks before this. She was terrified and ran away.”

GOLGOTH:
I am here. Why have you returned?

VITTORIA (small):
H-Heironomo says you are just a fancy. He says only witches can speak with the dead.

HEIRONOMO (small):
I hear him too.

Panel 2. The camera is above ground now as Heironomo begins to tug at Vittoria to pull her away. Vittoria continues to look in the direction of Golgoth in fear. Heironomo is focused on Vittoria.

GOLGOTH (op):
The fact that you can hear me does not make you a witch. Though, you do have the potential to wield powerful magic.

VITTORIA:
That would make me a witch!

GOLGOTH (op):
By some definitions, I suppose.

Panel 3. Closer shot of Heironomo as he continues to tug at Vittoria and she now turns to him. Heironomo looks a little scared and impatient.

HEIRONOMO (small):
Come, Vittoria. We have to go.

VITTORIA:
Oh, because, if papa knew you could speak with the dead, what would he think of his pious son?!

HEIRONOMO:
I suppose you want to stay and let this ghost teach you witchcraft?!

Panel 4. Repeat angle. Heironomo has let go of Vittoria now and turns to run by himself. Vittoria turns to follow.

GOLGOTH:
Please, stay! I am not dangerous.

HEIRONOMO:
Fine! You stay here with the ghost.

VITTORIA:
No, wait! Don’t leave me here alone.

Panel 5. The camera looks down at Skeleton Golgoth, who lies in the burnt out building he died in. The floorboards are wooden and some of them still remain uncharred.

CAP (Golgoth):
“In the weeks that followed, the snow all but melted, but neither Vittoria nor Heironomo would come to visit me again.”

CAP (Golgoth):
“Vittoria’s curiosity might have overcome her fear, except her father, Teodor, was a Cardinal. In this circumstance, obedience won over curiosity.”

CAP (Golgoth):
“Heironomo wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a Cardinal himself. He had no desire to talk to one, such as me.”

Luke Noonan
08-16-2014, 10:12 AM
This is an attempted rewrite of my recent TPG. Of course, everyone is welcome to comment. I would really like it if Steven, Yannick, and Alyssa could say something.

PAGE ONE (five panels)

Panel 1. Profile of skeleton-Golgoth as he walks through a hedge maze. The hedge is tall so the camera cannot see anything besides Golgoth and a thick hedge background. The floor is made of stone, pieced together in a mosaic.


If the hedges obscure the floor, how do we know it's a stone mosaic? If you mean we can see it at the base of the panel, and we have a full length view of the skeleton walking towards us with the mosaic beneath his feet, you should specify this, and also state what the mosaic depicts.
Plus if there is nothing but sky in the distance beyond the hedge maze, what is the time of day and the weather above?


CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is neither like the mountain that stands in one place, nor is it like the river, which has only one destination.”

Panel 2. The camera is above and behind Golgoth so that the hedge maze is obvious now. He approaches a dead-end.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is more akin to a maze.”

Panel 2. Front shot of Íńigo, a hedge wall behind him. He waits at a dead-end with his short sword in hand and a sinister smile on his face. His outlines are ghostly as if he is not really there.

Do you mean he has a glowing outline, or that he is transparent like mist, or what? You need to be more specific than "ghostly".



CAP (Golgoth):
“Sometimes there are walls.”

Panel 3. Front shot of Vittoria with a maze hallway behind her that stretches into shadow. This image of Vittoria is a grown woman with her sorceress gear on. She holds a leash to a ferocious hell hound, with smoke pouring from its nostrils. It wants to leap from the leash, yet Vittoria’s hand has a steady hold. She also smiles a sinister smile. Standing behind Vittoria is her golem. He is taller than her so we can see him but much of his body is blocked by Vittoria and her dog. Vittoria, her dog, and her golem have the same ghostly outlines that Íńigo had.

CAP (Golgoth):
“And sometimes there are ways.”

Panel 4. Vittoria begins to fade into a smaller Vittoria. Her dog and golem begin to fade completely. I imagine this panel to be a ghosting mesh of panel three and panel five.


"Vittoria begins to fade into a smaller Vittoria", I have no idea what that means, is she shrinking or dissipating like mist or what? You need to be a lot more exact in what this panel looks like, because "ghosting mesh" doesn't really tell the artist anything. I would imagine that you mean Vittoria now appears as three or four semi-transparent versions of herself in descreasing size, as if she is shrinking in speedforce, like this: http://www.nerdfitness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/medium_509878753-590x4421.jpg
Is that what you meant? I would also include a visual reference for the artist in a separate sheet to be sure they know what you mean.
I'd also assume you mean the dog and golem are now semi-transparent also, but showing them "begin to fade" is the equivalent of a moving panel, since it requires more than one panel to show the changes in their appearance.


CAP (Golgoth):
“Time was just beginning to unravel before me and I had a lot to learn about influencing people.”

Panel 5. Vittoria is a young girl in the maze and she is very afraid. Her hands thrown in front of herself in fear, her face showing terror. The dog and golem are gone.

CAP (Golgoth):
“Time is always catching up to me faster than I think it should.”

VITTORIA:
Old Ghost? Are you there?


I'm also not getting much of a story from the narrative and images here. The imagery makes me a little curious, but the words just sound like Golgoth's rambling musings about memory, maybe. I want him to get to a point of some kind on the first page.





PAGE TWO (six panels)

Panel 1. The camera sits half underground allowing us to see Golgoth under a small layer of snow. Just beyond where he is buried is a half wall also covered in snow. Vittoria stands on the other side of the half wall looking terrified. Heironomo stands next to her with his arm around her, looking a little scared himself. Behind them is a small road that leads to a one story house in the distance. The house is indistinct at this distance and it is covered in snow. But smoke pours from its chimney. It is just before midnight and the moon is overhead lighting the winter scene.


If we're looking at Golgoth half-buried with a cross section of snow in the panel, we won't be able to see a road leading to the house beyond the wall because the wall is in the way. We'd also only be able to see the upper part of the house, perhaps the snow-covered roof, which is worth bearing in mind if it's a little old one-story house, because that isn't going to be a tall building.


CAP (Golgoth):
“I had called out to Vittoria a few weeks before this. She was terrified and ran away.”

GOLGOTH:
I am here. Why have you returned?

VITTORIA (small):
H-Heironomo says you are just a fancy. He says only witches can speak with the dead.

HEIRONOMO (small):
I hear him too.

Panel 2. The camera is above ground now as Heironomo begins to tug at Vittoria to pull her away. Vittoria continues to look in the direction of Golgoth in fear. Heironomo is focused on Vittoria.

GOLGOTH (op):
The fact that you can hear me does not make you a witch. Though, you do have the potential to wield powerful magic.

VITTORIA:
That would make me a witch!

GOLGOTH (op):
By some definitions, I suppose.

Panel 3. Closer shot of Heironomo as he continues to tug at Vittoria and she now turns to him. Heironomo looks a little scared and impatient.

HEIRONOMO (small):
Come, Vittoria. We have to go.

VITTORIA:
Oh, because, if papa knew you could speak with the dead, what would he think of his pious son?!

HEIRONOMO:
I suppose you want to stay and let this ghost teach you witchcraft?!

Panel 4. Repeat angle. Heironomo has let go of Vittoria now and turns to run by himself. Vittoria turns to follow.

GOLGOTH:
Please, stay! I am not dangerous.

HEIRONOMO:
Fine! You stay here with the ghost.

VITTORIA:
No, wait! Don’t leave me here alone.

Panel 5. The camera looks down at Skeleton Golgoth, who lies in the burnt out building he died in. The floorboards are wooden and some of them still remain uncharred.

CAP (Golgoth):
“In the weeks that followed, the snow all but melted, but neither Vittoria nor Heironomo would come to visit me again.”

CAP (Golgoth):
“Vittoria’s curiosity might have overcome her fear, except her father, Teodor, was a Cardinal. In this circumstance, obedience won over curiosity.”

CAP (Golgoth):
“Heironomo wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a Cardinal himself. He had no desire to talk to one, such as me.”

Story picks up a bit on the second page, IMO, but still very slow going.

That's just my two cents, I hope it's helpful.