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View Full Version : 3 Pages of Champions of Pacifica *NSFW*


Morganza
06-23-2014, 04:38 AM
Some of the descriptions are not written down because I have model sheets to accompany the script. This was written for me to draw. But if anyone has advice or crits they are welcome.


PAGE ONE [3 PANELS]

1. EXT. - Pacifica City – Midday

Establishing Shot - Panoramic view of Pacifica City. A futuristic city located on the coastline of California.

Aamon Global Tower, standing 120 stories high, is the tallest standing structure in Pacifica City and located in the center of the metropolis.

News and Police drones are circling the tower at a conservative distance.

Caption 1: Pacifica City.


2. Traffic is backed up around the Aamon Global Tower, police cars block off intersections while various News vehicles are parked all around the perimeter of the blockade, the focus of the individuals on the street are towards the reporters.

Reporter 2: ...police say at least twelve victims were fatally shot during the violent take-over of the Aamon Global Tower this morning.

The shooter was identified moments ago as Eisen Krieger, leader of the Neo Nazi group Fourth Reich.

Eyewitnesses at the scene report the suspect entering an elevator immediately after the shooting, Police are currently searching the Tower floor by floor for the suspect...


3. Close-up on female reporter touching her hand to her ear while relaying information to the viewer. The Reporter is dressed in a Red business casual suit, her earpiece has a built in mic, and she is holding a media pad in her free hand.

Reporter 3: Mayor Castle has issued an emergency call to action for all active public servants in the city...stand by...I've just been informed...The Mayor has just announced an immediate evacuation of the area...


PAGE TWO [4 PANELS]

1. Establishing Shot – Panoramic View - Eisen Krieger [EK] Stands next to the Roof-top access door of Aamon Tower, he is communicating with a third party via communication device in his helmet. At his feet is a large duffel bag. The exterior door to the rooftop is freshly welded shut, and is still smoldering.

The top of the roof has three Landing-Pads that occupy two thirds of the space, the rooftop door entrance is located on the left side of the building.

EK wears bulky flex armor with a small mini-gun mounted on the right arm, his armor is decorated with Nazi “SS” and swastika insignias and spattered with blood.

EK 1: Achtung! Ich habe Vaters Vermächtnis! Warten Extraktion am Treffpunkt.


2. EK's attention suddenly shifts away from the door, looking to the direction of the Landing-Pads.

Off Panel 2: Eisen Krieger!


3. POV from behind EK. A dark hooded figure [Shadow] is standing on top of a Landing-Pad with his arms folded.

EK 3: ...I didn't expect company so soon.


4. EK extends his gun arm toward Shadow. EK's mouth is agape as he appears surprised.

EK 4: Very resourceful for a slant-eyed mongrel, but obviously...

EK (Whisper)5:...outmatched.


5. Same view as PANEL 3 – Shadow has his left hand raised, around him are dozens of Mystical Shadow Ninjas with glowing eyes creeping into view, some standing next to him.

Shadow 6: *hand drawn mystic glyphs*


PAGE THREE [ 5 PANELS]

1. The horde of Shadow Ninjas race toward EK, attacking him with shurikens and small explosives. EK fires his mini-gun wildly into the group of ninjas hitting a few, their bodies explode into ash clouds from the gun fire.

EK 1: Ich werde auf jeden Abfall letzten einer von euch verdammten Maden lagen!


2. Two Shadow Ninjas manage to grab each arm on EK and restrain him. EK grimaces as he struggles to break free.

EK (Thought) 2: The ninjas I hit turned to dust!? ...an Occult Fighter!?!


3. EK suddenly reels back in pain as shurikens impact his head and face at high velocity.

EK 3: NNNNNNnnnnnngh!!!


4. EK throws the off the Ninjas as he hunches over in pain swiping away throwing stars from his bloody face.

EK 4: NEIN!! It will take a lot more than toys to stop me!


5. Extreme close-up on EK. His face is scared and bloody, he looks up at the ninjas with his teeth gritting.

EK 5: Your occult sorcery won't save you.

When I get to you, I will crack your skull open, scoop out your brains and feed them to you before you take your last breath!

Schuyler
06-23-2014, 05:46 PM
I love ninjas.

Panel 1 of page 3 seems really busy. You are the artist so maybe you know exactly what you are going to draw. It just seems like it will be hard to fit all that action into one panel of a five panel page.

I am also not a fan of the dialogue in that particular panel. It seems over the top to me and maybe that is what you want. However, that is the only line that seems that way to me and thus it appears out of place. I mean even an old classic "White Power" line might suit the panel better. I am no master of dialogue so maybe you should get a second opinion.

I like that the villain occasionally uses German words. I imagine that he doesn't really know German but he wants to sound cool, so he learned a few words.

It is hard for me to read and understand your scripts. You use a format that is just different enough to confuse me. I also feel like some of your panel descriptions contain extra info that is really you leaving notes for yourself. This is not a critique just a thought.

Morganza
06-23-2014, 06:10 PM
Thanks for your crits Schuyler!

I think you are right on the button with the page description, I need to rework it, too much going on.

The dialogue on page 3, I used words to reenforce his Nazi-ness.

I would prefer the villain used a German accent, but i have no idea how to write it without it sounding dumb, I don't have an ear for that sort of thing. Hopefully the sparse German words will give the reader something to identify him as German.

Can you point out the panel descriptions that contain extra info? I think I may be biased, but I do want the descriptions to be clear and efficient, so any help is appreciated.

Thanks Again!

Schuyler
06-23-2014, 06:32 PM
The top of the roof has three Landing-Pads that occupy two thirds of the space, the rooftop door entrance is located on the left side of the building.

I realized I was misreading the panel descriptions.

The first page slowly zooms in on the reporter and I was confused by that. On reading it a second time it became clear and info that I thought was extra became pertinent.

Same thing with the second page. I did not realize that your landing pads were in the first panel and I thought that rooftop description was not needed for that first panel. I see that it is.

The door is on the left side of the building? Do you mean that the door is on the left side of the panel we are viewing?

Morganza
06-23-2014, 06:58 PM
The rooftop is one of the things I made reference for. I knew I would need it anyway. Door is on left side of building.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iPsTYrv43sM/U2OLFF10HHI/AAAAAAAAG5E/CewRvgEO8BQ/s1600/Pacifica.jpg

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WSh18fPVdpM/U6iijPjv60I/AAAAAAAAG94/3YleEP13pOo/s1600/Aamon+Roof.jpg

Schuyler
06-23-2014, 07:01 PM
The dialogue on page 3, I used words to reenforce his Nazi-ness.

I would prefer the villain used a German accent, but i have no idea how to write it without it sounding dumb, I don't have an ear for that sort of thing. Hopefully the sparse German words will give the reader something to identify him as German.

I think you could lose the dialogue from panel 1 page 3 and his Nazi-ness would not suffer. Perhaps you should have him say something in German. We do not need to know what he is saying if it is just about setting his character.

I think you are right for not trying to write his accent. I feel like too much dialect will pull the reader out of the story.

NINJAS VS. NAZIS

Schuyler
06-23-2014, 07:05 PM
The rooftop is one of the things I made reference for. I knew I would need it anyway. Door is on left side of building.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iPsTYrv43sM/U2OLFF10HHI/AAAAAAAAG5E/CewRvgEO8BQ/s1600/Pacifica.jpg

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WSh18fPVdpM/U6iijPjv60I/AAAAAAAAG94/3YleEP13pOo/s1600/Aamon+Roof.jpg

Those blue prints are awesome!

Also, I checked some of your art before you posted this script. You rock!

Morganza
06-23-2014, 07:11 PM
Thank you man! I did at one point have him saying, "I'll make you all drown in your own blood" in German for that panel, I might put that back in. Thanks dude!

Morganza
06-25-2014, 12:59 AM
Updated my script, thanks for the help!

Morganza
06-28-2014, 04:59 PM
Is there a preferred formatting for comic book scripts, I'd like it to read better.

Steven Forbes
06-29-2014, 12:54 AM
I happen to like this one (http://www.comixtribe.com/2011/02/15/bn-week-8/).

There is no "preferred" method. Some companies have their own quirks. Some editors have their own quirks. Some writers have their own quirks.

The best thing is consistency. As long as you're consistent, whoever's reading it will be able to follow.

But if you're just looking to pretty it up, look into using something like the example I give.

Morganza
06-29-2014, 01:30 AM
Thank you Steven, I'm pretty much there already, with your format. I just need to get rid of the dialogue numbers and add page breaks.

Steven Forbes
06-29-2014, 01:36 AM
Sure thing.

You can keep the dialogue numbers if you want, but the big thing are the page breaks.

And if you keep the dialogue numbers, make sure you number all the dialogue per comic page. So, if there are 12 balloons and captions on a page, make sure you number 1-12. Then start over when you get to the next page of the comic, not the next page of the script.

Morganza
08-19-2014, 05:52 PM
Here's a rewrite to page 1 panel 1, taking advice from Steve and Steven, now written for an artist.

PAGE ONE [3 PANELS]
1. Establishing Shot - Panoramic Birds-Eye view of Pacifica City. It's nearly afternoon and the sun is bright with minimal clouds in the sky.

Pacifica City is located in California somewhere between L.A. And San Francisco. It's like San Francisco with residential and commercial structures built in close proximity to the beach. Built on a higher elevation, the cities foundation forms a protective barrier over the cliff face along the beach. A 500ft wide extension at the base of the barrier extends into the Pacific ocean almost a quarter mile as a man-made peninsula, developed for commercial structures and tidal power station. Pacifica City was built using the latest architectural advancements and materials one could imagine for an “alternate” future, the more advanced buildings have a wide base that narrows with height, most buildings have mirrored windows that give the appearance of Crystalline structures. The layout of the city uses a “Hub” system, a massive main structure in the center of the Metropolis with support buildings and structures radiating out from the center.

The “Hub” structure is Aamon Global Tower, a Skyscraper standing 120 stories high with black windows and sleek black exterior walls, it is the tallest standing structure in Pacifica City. On the roof top we see 3 helicopter-type landing pads in the middle and spaced out to allow safe landing of other craft. On the far right of the roof is a service door for roof access, and on the far left is an elevator with two large turbines on top of the shaft housing which serves as the motor.

News and Police unmanned aircraft are circling the tower at a conservative distance.

Caption: Pacifica City 2032 A.E.

Robert_S
08-19-2014, 07:11 PM
Is there a preferred formatting for comic book scripts, I'd like it to read better.

What are you using to write with? MS-Word? Open Office Writer?

I use Scrivener, but I also have OO Writer and once did a template for screenwriting. You could make a template for comics for Writer or word. It's really not hard to do.

Morganza
08-19-2014, 07:19 PM
I use Open Office, thanks for the advice, I use the most simple format. Similar to the example posted on Comix Tribe.