PDA

View Full Version : Five Pages of Script for Potential Webcomic


Hathor422
06-09-2014, 12:46 PM
Here is the first five pages of script for a potential webcomic. The comic will revolve around a plus-sized woman named Van, as she navigates the waters of a new relationship, work as a DJ, and using her telepathic abilities to secretly help local police solve crimes.

I haven't come up with a title yet, and some of the dialogue may sound a little cliche, but I have similar heard before, so they ring true with what a plus-sized woman might go through.

Page One (7 Panels)

Panel 1: We are looking at VAN as she steps down the last stair of a brightly lit stairwell. She is wearing jeans, sneaks, and two pocket hoodie, but she isn’t wearing the hood. Her left hand in her jacket pocket, and in right she is holding an uncovered cup of coffee.

CAPTION: It’s hard being different and trying to fit in…

Panel 2: This is wide view of a dimly-lit office lobby. To the right there is an empty receptionist desk. The stairwell that Van exited is on the right, at the rear of the lobby. The light from the stairwell is the brightest light we see, besides two small overhead lights, and natural light. Closer to us, on the left, there is a small waiting area with a few comfortable looking chairs arranged in a semi-circle, near a large window. Moonlight is shining in. Van is crossing the lobby, heading for us, her eyes squinted in anger. Behind her, near the desk, there is thin, male JANITOR (nationality, and age aren’t important), mopping. He is looking in Van’s direction.

CAPTION: …And even harder to be different and not give a fuck what people say…

JANITOR (THOUGHTS): Boom ba-ba. Boom ba-ba. Lard ass, coming through.

CAPTION: …or think.

Panel 3: This is a close-up of Van’s hand as she lets the coffee cup go, spilling its contents.

SFX: SPLOOP

Panel 4: We are behind the janitor, who is holding his mop in the air, looking at Van. She is waking towards a set of double doors and has one hand in the air, flipping off the janitor.

JANITOR: Hey! You did that on purpose!

JANITOR: I just mopped there!

Panel 5: We are outside of the brick office. We can’t see much of the surrounding area, just the sidewalk in front of the doors, and potted trees on either side of the doors. It is past sundown, so the entrance is lit with an overhead light. Van is standing right outside the door with both hands on her hoodie pockets. There are motion lines around her hands to give the indication that she is patting them.

VAN (MUMBLES): Now I know I had them…Son of a bitch…I must have left them in my office.

Panel 6: Inset into panel 5. This is a close-up of the janitor’s fingers on a turn lock. There are motion lines to give the indication that he just turned it.

SFX: CLICK

VAN (OFF PANEL): Hey!

Panel 7: We are inside the lobby and the janitor has turned away from the door. He has a smirk on his face as he flips Van off. Behind him we can see Van outside looking in, her hand against the glass as she yells.

VAN: Aww, come on! Have a heart! I’ve got to go back to my office!

VAN: Please!

Page Two (6 Panels)

Panel 1: We are back outside of the office. This is a slightly elevated view, and pulled back enough to let us see a little more of the surrounding area. Van is standing on the sidewalk in front of the door, with her head tilted toward the sky. Her eyes are closed. The sidewalk is lined with a few trees and lampposts. There are 4-5 people walking on the sidewalk where Van is standing, including two males in their 20s, ASSHOLE and SORRY MAN, which are approaching her. Everyone is dressed for warm weather except for Van.

VAN (THOUGHTS): Don’t panic. It’s not the end of the world. It will take ten-twelve minutes- -tops, to get home.

Panel 2: This is a bust view of Van from the shoulders-up. She’s got a look of determination on her face. Behind her, on either side we can see the two men, Asshole on the right has a crooked grin on his face, while Sorry Man on the left looks uncomfortable.

ASSHOLE: What about this one in front of us?

SORRY MAN: Umm…

Panel 3: This is the same as panel 2 with the exception of the expression on Van’s face. She looks pissed.

ASSHOLE: I date two women, but one at a time.

ASSHOLE: She’s Tina and Jessica combined.

SORRY MAN: Errr…

Panel 4: This panel is the same as the previous two with the exception of Van’s face. Now she looks down right furious.

SORRY MAN: Well…she’s got a pretty face.

ASSHOLE: Nope. Still wouldn’t do her.

VAN (THOUGHTS): That’s it. I’m about to- -

Panel 5: This is a wider view that lets us see more of the street around Van. A woman holding a small girl’s hand, are walking to the right of her, the little girl is closest. The girl looks to be 5 or 6, and is looking up at Van with a look of awe. Van’s eyes are now stretched wide with unshed tears. Behind Van, Asshole and Sorry Man are crossing the street.

LITTLE GIRL (THOUGHTS): Wow! She’s bigger than Nana.

LITTLE GIRL (THOUGHTS): She must eat too many cawbs…Aunt Jenny says cawbs make you fat.

Panel 6: We are looking at Van. With one hand she is pulling her hood over her head, and the other hand is lifting her cell towards her ear. She has stopped walking. The mother and her daughter are closest to us. The girl is looking up at her mother. The mother looks embarrassed.

LITTLE GIRL: Mama, from now on I don’t want no cawbs so I won’t get fat like her…

LITTLE GIRL: …What’s a cawb anyway?

MOTHER: That was rude!

Page Three (5 Panels)

Panel 1: We’re looking at Van from behind at a slight angle. She has her head lowered towards the ground as she talks. Ahead of her, heading in Van’s direction, we can see SKYLER, dressed in a tank top, really dark shades that she probably shouldn’t have on at night, and black pants. She’s looking down at her phone, not paying attention to where she is going.

VAN: Listen, Lauren, I didn’t call you to get fussed at because I didn’t go off on some jerks…

VAN: …besides…it wasn’t the jerks that got to me.

LAUREN (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM PHONE): Then who?! Do I need to meet you, because I will?

Panel 2: We’re looking right at a bust view of Van. The top half of her face is shrouded in the hood and shadow, but we can see tears running down her cheeks as she talks.

VAN: No! Just talk to me. Keep me distracted.

LAUREN (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM PHONE): Sure thing, Sis, but you’re gonna have to come up with something better than headphones and loud- -

Panel 3: We are behind Skyler as she and Van collide.

SFX: SMAACK

SKYLER: Dafuk!

VAN: Shit!

Panel 4: This is a close-up of Van’s hand as her phone falls out of it.

NO COPY

Panel 5: We are behind Van, looking down on her from a slightly elevated view. She is hunched over with her hands covering her ears. Skyler is in front of her, leaning over to look in her face. She is reaching out to put a hand on Van’s shoulder. Van’s phone is on the ground between them.

SKYLER: Hey, that was totally my bad for not watching where I was going- -are you ok?

SKYLER (THOUGHTS): Jesus, she looks like she’s about to spaz or something.

LAUREN (ELECTRONIC VOICE FROM PHONE-SMALL LETTERING): Van! What’s going on?!

Page Four (5 Panels)

Panel 1: We are in front of Van, looking at her with a slightly angled view as she kneels on one knee. The hood has fallen away from her face, and she has covered her ears with her hands. The entire panel is black around her, and she is surrounded by the thoughts of other people.

RANDOM VOICE (OFF PANEL THOUGHTS): Oh my god, is she ok?

RANDOM VOICE (OFF PANEL THOUGHTS): Maybe I should go help.

RANDOM VOICE (OFF PANEL THOUGHTS): What’s wrong with her?

RANDOM VOICE (OFF PANEL THOUGHTS): Big girl must have dropped her Twinkie.

SKYLER (OFF PANEL): Do I need to call 911 or something?

Panel 2: We’re behind Skyler as she faces Van. Van has slapped Skyler’s hand away from her.

VAN (BURST): Get away from me!

SKYLER: Hey!

Panel 3: This is a wide view of the area, and one that finally lets us see both sides of the tree and lamppost-lined sidewalks, the small two lane street, pedestrian crossings, and two and three story buildings that make up the Main Street area of Rock Hill, SC. There are two cars traveling in both directions on the street. There are about 10 people here and there, on Van’s side and across the street. More than half of them are looking in Van’s direction. Van is coming right at us with her head down. Behind her we can see Skyler looking after her. Because of the distance we can’t make out their facial expressions.

SKYLER: Well I’ll be damned.

SFX: CRUNCH

Panel 4: Worms eye view of Van’s phone under Skyler’s foot.

SKYLER: Crap!

Panel 5: We’re looking right at Skyler as she holds Van’s busted phone in the air. With the other hand she is lifting her shades up, as she calls for Van with a look of total confusion. This is the first time we can see clearly see her eyes. She is wearing contacts that make her eyes look like *Fremen Eyes from Arrakis.

*I will include a ref pic for the Fremen Eyes.

SKYLER (LETTERING GETS SMALLER AS SHE TALKS): Hey! You forgot your…phone…that I just…broke.

SKYLER: *Sigh* Fuck it.


Page Five (6 Panels)

Panel 1: This is a side view of Van as she walks. Her hands are in her pocket and she’s looking down. This is a full body view of Van as she passes a bakery on Main Street.

*Note to Letterer: Please add music notes in between every 3 words of the next 5 balloons on the page.

VAN (THOUGHTS): This is the song that never ends…
VAN: …It just goes on and on, my friends!

Panel 2: Van is in the same position as the last panel, but now she is passing a two story plantation-style, white home with a wrap-around porch.

VAN (THOUGHTS): Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was…

VAN: …And they’ll continue singing it forever, just because…

Panel 3: We are behind Van as she walks up an azalea-lined walkway to her home, a two story craftsman-style home, with a large porch. The front door has a small, arched window near the top of it.

VAN: …This is the song that never ends…

VAN: …*Sigh*more like the night that never ends.

Panel 4: Van is standing on her porch, in front of her door. We’re behind her at an angle that allows us to see that she has a key in the lock.

SFX: SHLINK

Panel 5: We are outside looking at the closed door. There are motion lines around it to give the indication that it was slammed.

SFX: WHAAM

Panel 6: We are inside a small foyer. The area is lit by moonlight from an off panel window to the right, and the glass on the front door. Van is sitting in straight-back, wooden chair that is sitting next to the door. She has her elbows on her knees, and has her head in her cupped hands.

VAN: Note to self, tomorrow buy a pair of earbuds for every pocket on my person…

VAN: …Tonight cannot happen again.

Steven Forbes
06-09-2014, 02:36 PM
Look, folks! Another script for the going-over! Let's see what you all think!

Remember, this place isn't just about giving kudos! Kudos are great, but they don't help you grow. Let's help each other to grow. Comment on the script! Grow!

(I must've eaten my Wheaties.)

Schuyler
06-16-2014, 12:55 PM
I have read this for the second time now. I don't have much to say. It's not a bad thing.

This story has some serious originality. I love your protagonist because she is not your typical protagonist in any way.

I noticed that she had captions in the beginning as her thoughts. I felt that made sense because it separated us from the thoughts of others. At one point you changed her thoughts to a thought balloon. I strongly feel that you should keep her thoughts in captions. It will allow us, the readers, to separate her thoughts from others immediately. Her thoughts are the important thoughts.

It is really cool. I would have made comments earlier but I couldn't think of any useful critiques and you seem ahead of me in your script writing anyway.

Schuyler
06-16-2014, 12:57 PM
thoughts

Just had to say it one more time...It's like in music, if you hit a bad note, just keep hitting it and it will sound right eventually...

Schuyler
06-16-2014, 01:07 PM
I am sure you have already thought of this...

When she D.J.'s she should play songs for people right after they think about asking her to. No one actually makes it to her table to put in a request. This in effect actually makes her extremely popular, which can be another hardship that she deals with. Then she will be in the press as a DJ and the cops will always be worried that popularity will spill over to what she does for them. Also, the press also gives her a hard time for being a big woman. Then she gets some groupies and her new partner is concerned that he/she could be replaced.

Haha! So much potential...

Hathor422
06-17-2014, 02:04 AM
Thanks for taking the time to give the pages a read, Schuyler. Those captions in the first page weren't meant to be Van's thoughts, but rather just a bit of narration to get the ball rolling. Farther into the script I have notes to the letterer as how I would like Van's different thoughts to be executed. Hopefully that will help.

And Van's new partner is a she, the same she that breaks her phone, thus adding another layer to Van's tales. Being LGBT is a small southern town SUCKS EGGS...Rotten, thousand-year-old, green, putrefied, baby-chick-inside-of, EGGS!

Thanks again for reading the pages.

Schuyler
06-17-2014, 09:56 AM
And Van's new partner is a she, the same she that breaks her phone, thus adding another layer to Van's tales. Being LGBT is a small southern town SUCKS EGGS...Rotten, thousand-year-old, green, putrefied, baby-chick-inside-of, EGGS!

Thanks again for reading the pages.

I knew it! I also knew it was that Skyler chick! (Skyler? That's my name dude...)
Rock on with the story Hathor!

Charles
06-24-2014, 12:39 AM
As far as the story, itself, is concerned, I think that it started off stronger than it finished, and that the little girl was the apex of my interest, as a reader, across the span of the five pages in question.

At five or six years of age, though, the little girl would probably be able to pronounce the word "carbs." Thus, I'm not sure that having her pronounce it as "cawbs" is really necessary. Most will "get it," as far as what she is saying. Some might not, however.

Other than that, I think that the little girl's thoughts and dialogue are spot on, yielding a combination of humor and cruelty. In essence, as an "actor" in your story, the little girl got my attention - and kept it. I can't say the same thing for the star of this script.

If this is to be a recurring web comic, the ending doesn't stand on its own legs, as far as persuading me that I want to bother with reading the next issue or episode of this web comic. I liked Van's interaction with the janitor. That was entertaining. The little girl was funny (at least, in my considered opinion, she was). But, her cruelty provides a nexus that many plus-size individuals will connect with.

Having the two hooks - humor and sympathy factor - gives you a better chance of growing a broader readership, I think.

Overall, the narrative and the dialogue is stronger in segments, than the story as a whole is. But, the story can always grow strong, going forward. But, that doesn't help you in getting out of the gate. What about the ending is supposed to make me want to tune in to the next chapter/episode? A woman that is pouting? In its current form, whatever Van is supposed to be doing at the end of this script doesn't rise to the level of depression. The story is more interesting, when people are making fun of her. Thus, the humor, though based in cruelty, overshadows the serious. That may or may not be what you are seeking to achieve.

Page two built upon what page one achieved, as far as building interest rapidly. Then came page three. Page three is where this script starts to jump the shark, for me. In layman's terms, what that means is that the story suddenly veered into a swamp of boring text.

Page four begins to rebuild my interest, with the use of the random voices. Your selection of Rock Hill, South Carolina as the location was an interesting choice for a location for this tale. But...why Rock Hill? Is Van going to be heading to Carowinds? What is the significance of the location? Why should the reader care that this is all happening in Rock Hill?

You do a decent job of continually reminding the reader of the endless variety of torments that overweight people face. The full body view as Van passes a bakery drives home the message.

That said, though, I still can't figure out why I should care about whether she stays locked in her house, or not. Thus, for myself at least, your script did not accomplish persuading me to sympathize with the star character. I sympathize with her plight, but I'm not sympathetic to her. Page one all but underscored that Van is, if anything, a contributor to her own misery. She's as bad as the janitor. So, why shouldn't the reader just sympathize with the janitor, instead of with Van?

Hathor422
06-24-2014, 09:57 AM
Thank you for the feedback, Charles. You are right that Van is a contributor to her own misery. She very much will be at times. If she doesn't make mistakes, she won't grow.

As to why I chose Rock Hill, I live within 45 miles of the area and chose to set the story in a town I was familiar with. I also wanted a small southern town that was close to a larger city if I wanted a city setting for a future storyline.

You made a good point about the little girl's speech, so I will correct that. I also agree with the last page being a little weak. I have a slightly bigger hook in mind for that page, and will be rewriting it.

Thank you again for the feedback. It is highly appreciated. I can assure you, while some of the humor comes at Van's expense, it wont be the only source.

Thanks again.