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Morganza
05-30-2014, 08:50 PM
I wrote this years ago, looking for feedback.

GAMBLE: Queens over Jack
Story by Morgan Welborn
Gamble 2004 by David Davidson



PAGE ONE [4 PANELS]

1. EXT. - LAS VEGAS - NOON
Establishing shot - Street Level - Panoramic view of the Las Vegas strip, the pedestrian and auto traffic are very light.

CAPTION 1: Las Vegas! I can't imagine anyplace I'd rather be. It's my city and she needs me.


2. POV Behind a white limo as it speeds through the strip, a girl [Muffy] in a blue and white cheerleader outfit with black hair in pig-tails is standing through the sunroof facing the rear of the limo with a large rocket launcher.

CAPTION 2: This is where Murphy's Law becomes reality every day.


3. POV Behind Muffy pointing a rocket launcher at a dozen police cars following the limo.

CAPTION 3: A gang of homicidal cheerleaders... That's new.


4. INT. - POLICE CAR
Windshield view of the lead police car closest to the limo. Both the driver and passenger eyes widen in anticipation of a horrible death. The passenger side officer places both hands on the console preparing for an impact.

COP DRIVER 4: This bitch is going to kill us!


PAGE TWO [5 PANELS]

1. [Large panel] Gamble suddenly lands on top of the limo roof near Muffy, Gamble lands with a tremendous crash, blowing out all the windows in his area and a deep dent where he stands. The force of Gamble's landing causing the rocket to misfire, shooting it straight up.

CAPTION 1: I love this city!

COP 2: All cars fall back! Suspect has a damn ROCKET LAUNCHER!

MUFFY 3: Gah!


2. View of the projectile streaming off into the sky.


3. Medium shot of Muffy pointing at the missile while Gamble pulls out his gun.

MUFFY 4: JEEZUS! Look what you did HERO, you just caused the deaths of innocent people, It's coming down!

Gamble 5: humph.



4. Gamble takes aim and shoots at the shell high above the city.


5. Arial view of the shell exploding high above the city.


PAGE THREE [6 PANELS]


1. Close up of the Cheerleader as she looks amazed and stunned.

MUFFY 1: ...son of a...



2. Close up of Gamble as he points his gun at Muffy.

GAMBLE 2: ...BITCH. Raise those hands!



3. Wide view, As Gamble is pointing his gun at Muffy, a second girl [Trina] dressed in identical cheer outfits pops up from the passenger side window with a small automatic pistol, yelling.

Trina 3: Muffy, get down!



4. Gamble drops to one knee and unholsters his second gun pointing it at Trina, his arms are crossed in front of his chest as both guns are aimed at the women from juxtaposed directions . Trinal shoots off a few rounds from her automatic weapon and bullets fly past Gamble.

GAMBLE 4: !



5. Trina is fatally shot in the head with one blow.



6. Gamble turns his attention back to Muffy, gun still aimed perfectly at her head. Muffy has a shocked expression.

GAMBLE 5: Never point a gun at me.



PAGE FOUR [2 PANELS]

1. Close-Up of a silver armored fist as it explodes through the roof of the limo in front of Gamble.

CAPTION 6: LOOK OUT!



2. [Large Panel] - A huge muscle bound freak in a silver hockey mask [Silver Jack] peels back the roof revealing himself and the interior of the limo, his arms are armored silver metal with spikes. Gamble steps back, maneuvering his stance to place his footing firmly on the hood and front windshield, both guns pointed at Silver Jack. Muffy ducks her head down into the sunroof.

The debris from the roof is flying back as they are still in a high speed pursuit.

GAMBLE 7: Silver Jack!

Steven Forbes
05-31-2014, 03:55 PM
Hey, Morganza.

I could only get through a page of this. Most of the problem is in the punctuation. Let's take a look.



PAGE ONE [4 PANELS]

1. EXT. - LAS VEGAS - NOON
Establishing shot - Panoramic view of the Las Vegas strip, the pedestrian and auto traffic are very light.

CAPTION 1: Las Vegas! I can't imagine anyplace I'd rather be, it's my city and she needs me.

I have no real problem with this establishing shot. I'll beat you up on that in a moment.

My problem comes in the second sentence. You have two sentences combined, when really that comma should be a period. It's about how you want the reader to read it without them wrinkling their mental nose. You want a full stop, not a soft pause there.


2. Street level - a white limo is speeding through the strip, a girl in a cheerleader outfit with black hair in pig-tails is standing through the sunroof facing the rear of the limo with a large rocket launcher.

CAPTION 2: This is where Murphy's Law becomes reality every day.

And here is where I beat you up.

Where's the camera here? Where was the camera in the previous panel? Because something of this should have been seen in the previous panel. We use the establishing shot to give the Where, When, Who, and What, which means it should have given an inkling as to what was happening. If the previous panel was a large view of a localized area, as you've stated, then this should have been intimated.


3. POV Behind the cheerleader pointing a rocket launcher at a dozen police cars following the limo.

CAPTION 3: A gang of homicidal cheerleaders...that's new.

So, this is the second part of the action. A dozen police cars chasing a single limo? That definitely should have been seen in panel 1, even if it were just the intimation of flashing lights somewhere. that would have been fine. Then, I would actually have put this panel as second, and then panel 2 would have been panel 3. This would give us the lights in the distance, then lights up close, and then the reason for the lights. That would be better pacing.

Again, there is also the pacing of the the punctuation. You can keep the ellipsis. I like it. However, the ellipsis has two functions. It can either be a trailing off of a sentence, or it can give a trailing pause before getting to another part of the same sentence. You chose the latter, and it should have been the former. You need a space between the ellipsis and what would be the new sentence. That gives it a better read.


4. Close up of the police mans face as his eyes widen in anticipation of a horrible death.

COP 4: This bitch is going to kill us!


Where is this policeman? Is he in one of the cars? Which one? Is he the driver or the passenger? What does he look like? Asking for a close-up of his face is great, but if he's in a car, you have to place the camera accordingly. You don't say, so the question then has to be asked, "Where's the camera?"

I know you're an artist, and if you wrote this for yourself, then the written script becomes little more than notes for you to follow. But if you wrote it for another artist, then they're going to need to have the questions answered. The editor, assuming you would have had one, would help with the pacing and the dialogue.

If you want more feedback, you can always submit this to The Proving Grounds. (Read some entries first, though, so you know what you could be getting into.)

Morganza
05-31-2014, 04:03 PM
Thanks Steven! I was writing this for myself but I think it would be better to fully articulate the descriptions, I'm going to rewrite some things.

Thanks again!

Steven Forbes
05-31-2014, 04:11 PM
You're welcome. :)