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T_F_Mann
01-29-2014, 10:52 PM
Hi all! I was bored so I figured I would throw this up and see what everyone thinks. Thanks for taking the time to look.

VIVA LA LECHE


PAGE #1 – 6 Panels

Panel 1: Establishing shot of your typical big red barn under a clear night sky and a full moon. Hand painted sign above the big double doors reads, “Cletus’s Goatery”. The doors are open and we see a flashlight beam through the opening. The area in front of the barn is clear with a fence coming from the back of the barn. (right of the panel) The background will be woods. The word balloons are coming out from the barn.

JIMBO: (o/p) Ol’ man Cletus is goan flip when he sees his precious goats.
LOOGIE: (o/p) ‘ts what he gets Jimbo. Now find the dang light switch.
JIMBO: (o/p) Got it Loogie.

Panel 2: The lights are now on in the barn. They provide only a bare minimum of light. We are looking down the main aisle of the barn. There are 5-7 stalls running down each side of the aisle (There can be less if necessary to make it fit.). Each stall has a gate in front of it. Above the stalls are lofts with bales of hay. There are one or two goats poking their heads out to watch Jimbo and Loogie who are standing directly under a light. The area of the barn behind them is dark. Jimbo is standing next to a post on the right of the panel where there is a light switch. He has a flashlight stuck in his belt and is holding a can of spray paint in his right hand. He is tall and lanky with long matted greasy blonde hair down to his shoulders. He’s wearing a badly stained white (yellowish really) t-shirt and a torn and beat up pair of jeans tucked into a pair of black cowboy boots. His head is turned toward Loogie who is in the middle of the aisle kneeling next to a burlap sack full of spray paint cans rummaging thru it. Loogie is overweight wearing a blue flannel with the sleeves cut off, a pair of jeans and an old raggedy pair of white sneakers. He has dark curly hair and a scraggly beard.

JIMBO: He never should’ve cheated Daddy on that goat’s milk deal.
LOOGIE: Now he’ll find out what happens when you mess with the Crisco Clan!
SFX: (in the gutter between panel 2 and Panel 3) Cli-CLACK

Panel 3: Looking back down the aisle toward the door and a medium shot of Cletus wielding his shot gun right at us. He has fiery red hair in a military cut and freckles and has a good stubble going he is probably in his mid-forties. His flannel shirt is neat and tucked into his jeans. A large belt buckle completes the look and he is glaring angrily at us.

CLETUS: I’m giving you three seconds to get the hell up out of here or I’ll blow you to kingdom come.
JIMBO: (o/p) Yer goan pay for charging our store for those empty bottles!
LOOGIE: (o/p) Dealin’ wit you’s ruined our family name!

Panel 4: Over Cletus’s shoulder looking at the Criscos being defiant and stand-offish. Jimbo is pointing the can in his hand at Cletus and Loogie is flipping him off. Behind them in the darkness of the back of the barn are two glowing blood red eyes roughly knee high on Jimbo.

JIMBO: Yeah! We’re…
CLETUS: (interrupting Jimbo) Uh boys we’ve got bigger problems right now…


Panel 5: Same but the Criscos are turned to look at the eyes behind them.

CHUY: RRRRRR

Panel 6: Seen from the eyes POV. The three humans have run away. Arms raised in the air. The Criscos left the sack of paint behind. We can see them as silhouettes outside of the barn.

ALL THREE: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

PAGE #2 - 5 Panels

Panel 1: It’s now the middle of the day. We are looking down from the roof of the barn at Sparky, Shroomy, Chuck and Smokey standing right outside the barn. Sparky is looking up at the barn/us. Smokey is standing to his left holding a map out in front of Sparky pointing at it. Shroomy is to his right and slightly behind him staring off panel towards the upper right hand corner with his hands on his hips. Chuck is looking over Smokey and Sparky’s shoulders at the map. Descriptions of these guys are here.

SPARKY: Smokey you sure this is the right place?
SMOKEY: Yeah Sparky we’re sure.
SMOKEY: Chuck and I tracked it from the first sighting at the Crisco’s family market where it drank all the goat’s milk.
CHUCK: We think it came in with a shipment of produce from Mexico.
SHROOMY: Mmmm… Produce. Think they sell those apple cider donuts here?
SPARKY: Shroomy I’ll buy you a dozen if we can get this wrapped up today.

Panel 2: Looking into the barn from right over the tops of the guy’s heads. They’re all looking at it. Their heads and possibly shoulders can be in the bottom of the shot. The lights are still on in the barn.

SPARKY: Well… what are we waiting for?

Panel 3: Same comp. Sparky is still looking at the barn everyone else is looking at him/each other.

Panel 4: Same comp. Sparky’s head is hung in exasperation. The other three are all shouting.

ALL THREE: NOT IT!!
SPARKY: Ugh…
SPARKY: Bunch of pansies…

Panel 5: Still from behind but now on ground level with the boys. Sparky has separated himself from the group and is at the barn door about to go in. He’s looking back over his shoulder with his right hand up motioning for the rest to follow him. His head is cocked towards the open door. He is half smiling like
he finds himself very funny.

SPARKY: C’mon fellas. Let’s go bag us a goat sucker.

PAGE #3 - 5 Panels

Panel 1: A profile shot of the boys walking down the aisle single file they are going right. The goats in the pens behind them are all huddled back against the wall. There are a few goats bleating at them. Sparky is at the head of the group looking off panel to the right kind of like ¾ at us he is calm. Shroomy is at the rear looking at the ground behind him as if trying to secretly see if something is following them. He looks nervous. Chuck is looking away from us into the pens in the background, and Smokey is tapping Sparky on the shoulder.

SFX: (several of these, as many as will fit without ruining the shot) BAAAH
SHROOMY: I don’t like this.
CHUCK: They’re way freaked out.
SMOKEY: SHHH!
SMOKEY: (whisper) Do you hear that?
SPARKY: (whisper) Yeah. Sounds like the stall on the end.

Panel 2: As big a panel as you need to fit this. Looking long ways down the aisle from the loft on the left side so we can see as much of the barn as possible but we still can’t see into the last stall down on the right. There are noises coming from in that stall. The boys are huddled together crouched down creeping toward the stall they are pressed up against the gate to the one next to the slurp stall.

SFX: SLUURP sluuuuurp SLURP SLURP
SHROOMY: I think I just lost my appetite.

Panel 3: The next three panels will be the same comp. We are looking out from one of the pens from the ground like from a laying goat’s POV. The goats in the stall across the aisle look as disgusted and afraid as goats can look.

SFX: slurp slurr-urp slurp

Panel 4: Same comp. They boys are in front of us now and they look horrified and are leaned back against each other. They are still in the same order from earlier in the page. They are still crouched down. Shroomy has his head up and he’s screaming.

SHROOMY: HOLY GOAT SCROAT!!!

Panel 5: Same comp. The others are reacting to Shroomy yelling that. Shroomy is defensively shrugging. Chuck is looking angrily at Shroomy rubbing his ear. Smokey is still crouching facing us fascinated with what they’re seeing. Sparky fell on his butt and is kind of behind Smokey looking at him looking at what’s in the pen.

CHUCK: God damn it!
CHUCK: Right in my ear!
SPARKY: Haven’t you used that one already?
SHROOMY: Yeah but it seemed fitting.
SMOKEY: Fascinating…
SPARKY: Much better than what I was picturing.

PAGE #4 – 5 Panels

Panel 1: What the boys are looking at on the last page. In the pen is a goat laying on its side like its feeding its kids. But instead of goat babies it’s a chupacabra. The chupacabra looks like a large rat crossed with a small mangy dog with rat hands and a tail and big puppy dog red eyes. It’s so ugly it might be cute. It is feeding off the goat’s udder.

Panel 2: Looking straight on at the boys leaned against the gate in front of the stall. We are far enough back that we can see the chupacabra has stood up next to the goat and is looking at the boys in the foreground. Sparky is scratching his head. Shroomy is reaching in to the stall and kind of wiggling his pointer finger at the thing like you would with an infant. Chuck is looking at Shroomy amused by Shroomy’s new obsession. Smokey is staring at the thing smiling and studying it.

SMOKEY: Kind of puts a whole new spin on the urban legend.
SPARKY: So he’s obviously harmless.
SHROOMY: Harmless? He’s freaking ADORABLE!!
SHROOMY: Can we keep him?
CHUCK: Man, we haven’t even house broken you yet.
CHUCK: But we really should get him to safety.
CHUY: ERR?

Panel 3: Establishing shot of a different barn. This one is run down in the middle of a barren field with some brown tall grass and some woods growing around it. Most of the red paint has chipped away revealing weather worn wood underneath. There is a huge hole in the roof. There is a bent (and if it’s possible to show it, rusty) weather vane on top.

CHUCK: (o/p) Not exactly what I was talking about when I said “safety” bro.
SPARKY: (o/p) Relax, Chuckles. It’s a secluded part of Cletus’ property.
SPARKY: (o/p) Besides… I don’t think he’ll be wandering too far from home anytime soon.
SHROOMY: (o/p) Especially not to come looking for this little ball of LOVE!

Panel 4: Inside the barn. Most of the light is coming in through the hole in the roof. Chuck has his hands spread out gesturing to their surroundings and looks concerned. Chuck is furthest left Sparky in the middle Smokey and his goat are to the right. Sparky is standing with his hands on his hips, looking at Shroomy who is laying on the floor holding the chupacabra above him. The chupacabra seems really happy with this arrangement. Smokey looking down in annoyance at the goat he is holding on a tether that is eating his shoe laces.

SMOKEY: Why did we need to bring the goat?
SPARKY: It’s like the old parable, “give a chupacabra a bottle of goat’s milk, and feed him for a day… Teach him to milk a goat, feed him for a lifetime.”

Panel 5: Looking down at Shroomy and the chupacabra. He’s now hugging it to his chest and its licking his face. Both have their eyes closed and are happy. Shroomy is laughing.

SMOKEY: (o/p) Who’s going to teach it how to milk a goat?
SHROOMY: I got this!
SHROOMY: I’ll have Chuy milking that goat like a blue ribbon winner!

PAGE #5 – 6 Panels

Panel 1: It is night time and the boys and Chuy are standing on the edge of some train tracks at a shipping yard. Shroomy is crouched down next to Chuy petting him on the head like a puppy. Chuy is loving it, wagging his tail like a puppy would. Smokey is next to him looking at his watch. Chuck and Sparky are behind them just hanging out. There is a train of shipping containers stretching along the right of the panel from the background to the foreground. Take as much space as you need to set this scene.

CAP: A few days later.

CHUCK: I am truly impressed with how quickly you taught him.
SHROOMY: Chuy is a natural!!
SMOKEY: Ok. The freighter to Guadalajara is leaving soon.

Panel 2: A tight two-shot from straight on of Shroomy crouched down hugging Chuy tight.

SHROOMY: I’m gonna miss you little buddy!!!
CHUY: Erm! Erm!

Panel 3: A long shot of everyone, Shroomy is standing now, cradling Chuy in his arms like a baby.

Shroomy: You’re sure we can’t keep him?
Shroomy: Will he really be safe? Mexico is a long way away.
Sparky: Yeah fat stuff, he’s gotta go home. So he can pass your wisdom on to others.

Panel 4: A mid shot from behind as Shroomy loads Chuy onto a train car. Chuck is stacking bottles of milk on the floor of the car next to Chuy. Sparky has his hand on Shroomy’s shoulder. Smokey is behind everyone still looking at his watch.

Shroomy: Ok buddy go lay down and you’ll be home before you know it.
Sparky: You’re baby is leaving the nest… you must be proud.
SFX: WHOOOOOOOO
Smokey: Ok, time to go buddy.

Panel 5: Same comp as panel 1 but we can see the last car or two of the train. The boys are all waving goodbye. Chuck and Smokey are behind Sparky and Shroomy who are shoulder to shoulder.

Shroomy: ::sniffle::

Panel 6: Closer in on the boys. Chuck and Smokey have turned and are walking away. Sparky is standing with his arm around Shroomy’s shoulders. Both are smiling.

Sparky: Maybe we can get you a goldfish and you can name him Chuy.
Shroomy: Really?
Sparky: Hell yeah. In the meantime lets go get you some donuts.
Sparky: I know how emotions make you hungry.

paul brian deberry
01-30-2014, 12:03 AM
Awesome. very funny. Great job of introducing the characters. Your dialogue reads very natural. A true test of this is ignore the panels and just read the character stuff.

Can you draw?

T_F_Mann
02-01-2014, 12:37 AM
Thanks for the kind words and taking the time to read it. Unfortunately I can't draw worth a damn. It's one those things where I always swear I'll take an art class (for years now), but never will. :)

DanSchoon
02-02-2014, 02:08 PM
Fun.

There is a lot of action and dialogue on that first page that doesn't seem to carry over into the main story. Unless I'm missing something important about the empty bottles, it seems like you could have used those lines for a more amusing bit, or skipped the farmer-shotgun moment. eg: they were competing farmers, were feuding over a girl, or were trying to steal milk

T_F_Mann
02-05-2014, 12:52 AM
Dan thanks for the input. I can definitely see how it is a little confusing. That first page was supposed to be this; Cletus sold goat's milk to the Criscos' store but then Chuy, who came in with a produce shipment from Mexico, drank the milk thus sparking the feud between Cletus and the Crisco brothers. I wrote it as a set up to give Sparky and his crew a reason to be there investigating. I tried to explain all of that in the dialog between Sparky and Smokey in the first panel of page two. But now after writing all of that just to explain it I realize how it might not be as clear as it seemed to me when I wrote it.