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View Full Version : Pacing Practice: What do you think?


JeremyRJackson
01-05-2014, 01:35 AM
I really do wish to write this story, but I really need to work on my writing skills. Any advise would be appreciated, and be as critical as possible please.(And I do not mean bash me, just Grammar and punctuation errors.)


Breakers

PAGE ONE(five panels)

Panel 1. Medium wide panel. Profile shot of an upper-middle class man running between parked cars on the busy city streets. He is dressed in nice casual-wear. The man is centered in the panel with his left arm is extended out reaching for something off panel. His facial expression is that of pure horror.

Caption: When I was a boy my father would tell stories of people who have done extraordinary things.


Panel 2. Slightly shorter than the previous panel but just as wide. The man is on the far left of the panel reaching for his 6-7 year old son, who is far out of his reach. The boy looks as though he is having fun, chasing a balloon out into traffic as his shoestring glide freely through the air. You can see a semi-truck in the background heading toward the reader and the young boy. The man looks as though he is yelling something, while fear has yet to leave his face.

Man: Anthony!

Caption He would say that everyone has that greatness within them...


Panel 3. Small panel in the top left corner of the fourth panel. A close up on the boys shoes as he steps on his shoestrings and looses his balance.


Panel 4. Medium wide shot. The boy has fallen and is down slightly on one side with both hands on the pavement, and turned toward the oncoming semi-truck. The boy's back would be facing the reader, as he stares up at the large truck just a few feet away.

Caption It's just waiting for the right moment to reveal itself.


Panel 5. Medium wide shot. In this panel there will be a three part sequence, but the background will stay neutral. You start on the left with a faded image of the man running as fast as he can toward his son. Next you will see a faded image of the man as he scoops up his child in the center of the panel just before the impact from the truck. The last portion of the sequence is a more clear image of the man as he is carrying his son to safety on the other side of the street. Now from one position to the next, I would like to see a blue streak of light originating from the man's eyes tracing the path he traveled. I imagine it would look like the trailing taillights, of fast moving cars, through the wind shield, on a rainy night.

(END PAGE ONE)

Screwtape Jenkins
01-06-2014, 10:41 PM
I think it's pretty good. I noticed a typo here and there (in the last paragraph, you say "on" instead of "one") but nothing major. I like the page.

JeremyRJackson
01-07-2014, 01:31 PM
I think it's pretty good. I noticed a typo here and there (in the last paragraph, you say "on" instead of "one") but nothing major. I like the page.

Thank you and I fixed the typo.