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JeremyRJackson
11-20-2013, 09:53 PM
(Characters property of D.C.)
I would like to hear some constructive criticism, because honestly friends are too nice. Thank you to any help. Also note that this is but a practice script, no profit.

BATMAN V.S. SUPERMAN
FIVE PAGES

PAGE ONE (six panels)
Panel 1. Superman is flying toward a park where the Joker has set off a laughing gas bomb. Small clouds and puffs of the gas is still rising from the park. The park has a large fountain in the middle of a circular stone walkway with benches placed around, in a symmetric fashion. All across the park are bodies lying about with monstrous grins on their faces.

Large SFX: HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!


Panel 2. An angry Superman lands atop the Joker pinning him to the ground, as he knocks the wind out of the clown.

SFX: ohhfff!

Superman: A BOMB!

Superman: In the middle of a public park...this is unforgivable!


Panel 3. First person view from Superman's eyes as he looks down at the Joker, who has his hands up surrendering with a devious grin as he speaks.

Joker: Chill out Supes, and look around.

Joker: Everyone is smiling and having a good ol' time.


Panel 4. First person view from Superman's eyes as he looks to the park. The park is full of men, women, and children lying around with grotesque smiles on their faces.

Joker: It was a joke...

Joker: And lets face it, Superdoop...


Panel 5. Close up on the Joker with the most despicably evil grin.

Joker: It just killed them.


Panel 6. Close up on Superman's face, completely horrified.

Superman: No more....


PAGE TWO (eight panels)
Panel 1. Superman puts his hands to each side of the Joker's head, as he tries to smash the clown's head, and the Joker's face shows the strain.

SFX: Crack! Pop! Pop!

Joker: You know...aha hnn...

Joker: You really crack me up!

SFX: Ha-ahhnn

Superman: No more jokes. No more meaningless slaughter!


Panel 2. Batman repelling into the park from the Bat-Jet.

Batman: Superman! He has had enough!


Panel 3. Back to Superman as he crushes Joker's head, Batman is in the background yelling at Superman.

Batman: Clark!


Panel 4. Superman drops the joker to his knees as Superman stands before him.

Superman: No, Batman, it is not enough.

Superman: For all of his crimes, his sins...

Superman: There is absolutely nothing I could do to properly punish this monster.


Panel 5. Batman faces Superman as he speaks, and the Joker pokes his head into the panel pointing at Batman with his palm facing upward.

Batman: Since when, have we become executioners?

Batman: Out job is to bring these men before the system where they will be tried and judged.

Batman: And I get that the Joker is an abomination, but we can't lower ourselves to his level.

Joker: Are you two talking about little ol' me?

Joker: Here I try to stay modest and all, and I'm the talk of the town.


Panel 6. The Joker is strutting past a park bench as Batman throws a bat-a-rang at him.

Joker: As flattered as I am, and I really am, I got to get going.

Joker: I have places to see and people to go...wait...well you get it.

Joker: Too-da-looooo.

SFX: Swoooosh!


Panel 7. The Joker is now stuck to a bench by some kind of putty.

Batman: Have a seat, clown, I'm not through with you.


Panel 8. The Joker now has the putty over his mouth.

Joker: You know what Bats? Fu--

SFX: Pft!


PAGE THREE (six panels)
Panel 1. Batman walks back over to Superman as the Joker struggles in the background.

Batman: Listen, Clark, I understand what you intended to do, you believed it to be the best possible solution for everyone, but it's still murder.

Batman: And to kill another living soul...

Superman: Let me stop you right there...

Panel 2. Close up on Superman's angry face, as he stresses the next few words.

Superman: Have you met this...this THING!?!

Superman: There is nothing human about him.


Panel 3. Superman gesturing to Batman to look around.

Superman: Just look at the atrocities he has committed.

Superman: Come on, Bruce, look around...

Superman: And for you to even suggest that he has a soul, I'm going to be honest with you, that worries me.


Panel 4. Batman speaks solemnly to Superman as they face one another.

Batman: So...you think you can take his life?

Batman: Do you think you are strong enough?

Superman: Strong enough for what?

Superman: To end needless suffering?

Superman: To ensure the lively-hood of all of his future victims?

Superman: Yes.

Superman: I can end it right here.


Panel 5. Close up on Batman's face, the Joker is over his shoulder still struggling to get free.

Batman: I was trying to avoid sounding too cliché, but since I have to spell it out for you...


Batman: Joker is going back to Arkham, and if you choose to pursue that particular course of action, you will have to go through me.


Panel 6. Superman is looking down with a shadow cast over his face as he speaks.

Superman: You always do that.

Superman: You are always protecting the criminals.

Superman: Always babying these animals, and I am sick of it.

Superman: If you intend to stand your ground, know this...


PAGE FOUR (eight panels)
Panel 1. Close up on Superman's face, he is upset, he seems distance.

Superman: I will not hold back.


Panel 2. Superman rushes Batman and is deflected by a green Kryptonite force field.

Batman: Did you think I would be less prepared, Clark?

Batman: This is a velocity triggered shield, specifically designed to deflect any high speed Kryptonian attackers.


Panel 3. Close up on Batman putting on a pair of Kryptonite knuckle dusters(like brass knuckles).

Superman: Kryptonite???

Batman: You got it, Clark.

Batman: Just think of it as, evening the odds.


Panel 4. Batman punches Superman in the side of the face.

SFX: Crack!


Panel 5. Batman holds Superman up by his cape as he draws his fist back to strike him again.

Batman: It really doesn't have to be like this...

Superman: Face it, Batman, with all your contingency plans...


Panel 6. Close up on Superman's eyes glowing red.

Superman: You were just dying to use one.


Panel 7. Batman jumps back and fires a grappling gun off panel as Superman unleashes his heat vision just missing the caped crusader.


Panel 8. While in mid air, the grappling hook latches on to a tree limb, allowing Batman to further dodge Superman's heat vision.


PAGE FIVE (six panels)
Panel 1. Batman throws a smoke bomb, that starts to cover Batman as his rope is snapped by Superman's heat vision.

SFX: Sssschtt!


Panel 2. Superman looks around and prepares for an attack as the smoke surrounds him.

Superman: Be smart, Bruce, do you really think you can take me out?

Batman: I never intended to take you out. I was, simply, buying time.


Panel 3. As the smoke clears, the Bat-Jet zooms off with the Joker, who is still stuck to the bench, hanging from a line off the back of the jet.

Superman: You really think that will stop me?


Panel 4. Batman lunges out of the clearing smoke to strike Superman in the face again.

Superman: Come on, Batman, I can just come up there and—pffft!

SFX: POW!
Panel 5. Superman is lying on the ground as Batman sets a hour glass, with Kryptonite fixed in the bottom of the glass, on the Kryptonians chest.

Superman: What...what are...


Panel 6. Superman is lying on the ground as Batman walks away with his back to the panel.

Batman: I know you are confused, Clark, but be assured I have no interest in killing you.

Batman: Even though that is a lethal dose of Kryptonite, the hourglass is designed to weaken its effects over time.

Batman: You see the sand is actually ground lead, and once it completely engulfs the Kryptonite the effects should be minor, allowing you the opportunity to leave.

Batman: As I told you earlier, I was, merely, trying to buy some time.

Batman: And don't bother heading to Arkham when you get up. I have upgraded their security with a Kryptonite field generator, which you, recklessly, helped me test a couple minutes ago. I guess I should say thank you.

The End.

Scribbly
11-20-2013, 10:50 PM
What? Did you miss the former writing contest?
I didn't read your script yet.

But a first sight, it seems you have a lot of dialogue per panel in some panels.
If you consider how the lettering will cover these panels, the space for artwork
is very small to none.
Just see the last panel in page 5.
Unless you asked this panel to be a splash panel, there is not material room for artwork.
You need to reduce the amount of text.
Make it more telegraphic. Brief. Only the essential.
Or rearrange something. Or redistribute the dialogue per panels.

As a rule of thumb, not more than 3 lines of dialogue or text and dialogue
together per panel.
This per se will occupy a 3/4 of the panel.

Or as Alan Moore will say, not more than 35 words per panel.
(Between text and dialogue.)
You did put 112 words in that panel.


Please, check here to see how this work.
How panel 2 work OK (24 words ) and panel 6 is overloaded with text.(112 words.)

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p214/yeyed/textroomcopy_zpsbec50506.jpg

JeremyRJackson
11-20-2013, 11:17 PM
Thank you, I appreciate that, this is actually an older work, and I have been trying to slim down that specific flaw. That is very helpful for me, so again thank you.

Jeremy R. Jackson.

edit: There was also a style of lettering that I had seen somewhere, where the speech bubbles occupied a lot of unnecessary space across a couple of panels at a time, but there, I believe, I still abused that capability.

JerryREX
11-21-2013, 01:49 AM
When there are more than six panels, dialogue tends to decrease because the lack of space, so you may want to cut down the script because there's too much dialogue. More than six panels leads to less place for dialogue, so try to use more than six panels to tell a story through art.

Since scribbly mentioned Alan Moore, check out "The Killing Joke". It shows how a page with more than six panels can be done effectively.

Fans love superman and batman, so fans will want art with more detail. So, less is more, and add a splash page, because this fight is too epic.

JeremyRJackson
11-21-2013, 07:04 AM
Thank you both. I have some thick dialog coming in my current project and you have helped me from making the same mistake that I have here.

Jeremy.

Edit: I can see what you guys mean, I do really have this thing very dialog dense. I would have no trouble adding an additional two pages here I think...and since reading it again I have also noticed a couple of typos, haha.

JerryREX
11-21-2013, 01:44 PM
Writers always make mistakes. First drafts are usually like that, if not, always like that. Go to twitter and search #firstdraft. You'll laugh your ass off.

Another thing, Editors will be your friend. If you find a great one, you'll see that they will help you with the vision, plot, and grammar of the story.

Look up comixtribe.com to see exactly what I'm talking about. Go to the proving grounds section and the bolts and nuts section.

Keep on writing!!

Paul LaPorte
11-21-2013, 03:34 PM
Overall good. Dialogue was dense, like everyone else has said. I thought the Joker's dialogue was the strongest. My biggest problem was with how out-of-character Superman was. Calling criminals "animals", trying to crush the Joker's head (which, if he really wanted to, he could have done so easily there's no way Batman would have had time to stop him), just kind of threw me off. I've never been a big DC guy anyways, so maybe that has something to do with it.

JeremyRJackson
11-21-2013, 07:37 PM
I guess I imagine that, because of all the power that Superman already has, he would have more than the one weakness. Naturally, Clark is effected negatively by kryptonite, but I would think he would be mentally flawed as well. I, especially, believe that he would reason that he would save thousands of lives, or more, in ending the clown.

Having said that, the time he takes crushing the clowns skull is a representation of the conflict within Superman. I mean for someone so pure, and with countless innocents he failed to protect. I see Superman, thinking that he has to do it, but he does not, truly, want to. And I needed a reason for The Dark Night to overly man-handle the most over powered character in the D.C. Universe.

Paul LaPorte
11-22-2013, 09:45 AM
Having said that, the time he takes crushing the clowns skull is a representation of the conflict within Superman. I mean for someone so pure, and with countless innocents he failed to protect. I see Superman, thinking that he has to do it, but he does not, truly, want to. And I needed a reason for The Dark Night to overly man-handle the most over powered character in the D.C. Universe.

I'm totally with that reasoning, but that doesn't match up with his words and his actions later on in the script. Him calling criminals "animals" and really trying to make a go at Batman signifies that the man's mind is made up. I know it's a small script but he goes from hesitant to blood thirsty really, really fast.

JeremyRJackson
11-22-2013, 04:47 PM
I'm totally with that reasoning, but that doesn't match up with his words and his actions later on in the script. Him calling criminals "animals" and really trying to make a go at Batman signifies that the man's mind is made up. I know it's a small script but he goes from hesitant to blood thirsty really, really fast.

Cool, thank you for your feedback. I will have to keep that in mind for the future.

I appreciate the honesty and all the help.
Jeremy.