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Jamesvomit
11-18-2013, 06:41 PM
MIAMI

Presently. Exterior of a drugstore in Miami. There is a line of customers coming out of the door and stretching down the block. All the surrounding stores are boarded up and out of business. Across the street, sitting in a car is Pookie, a toothless, balding, and dirty crack head; and Jasper, a bloated looking redneck with scars on his face. Between them is a gymbag full of prescription pill bottles. Jasper holds up a bottle and begins trying to pronounce the name on the label.

JASPER
(Mispronouncing the name)
Acet….ceta… mena….phina. Man, I don’t know what these are.

POOKIE
What do they look like?

Jasper opens the bottle and dumps a few pills into his palm.

JASPER
They are big and blue.

Jasper swallows the pills and chases them with a shot of alcohol from a flask.

POOKIE
Quit man! Your eating our profits. I’m pretty sure those ones are good.

JASPER
Well I’m about to find out.

Jasper eats another couple pills and chases them with another shot of alcohol.

POOKIE
Stop that! What else does it say on the bottle?

JASPER
(reading pill bottle)
“Warning, May result in death when combined with alcohol.” Oh, shit.

POOKIE
No cracker that’s a good sign. It means they are strong.

JASPER
Yeah, but I already ate like ten of them!

POOKIE
You’ll be fine. I’d guess you have at least forty-five minutes before they kick in. Now, straighten up and put your game face on. We have to go to work.

Pookie pulls a ski mask down over his face. He looks at Jasper.

POOKIE
You ready cracker.

Jasper pulls a ski mask over his face and takes a shot from his flask. He looks back at Pookie.

JASPER
Yeah ****** , you?

Pookie smokes a hit of crack off a glass pipe.

POOKIE
(talking as he exhales smoke)
Ready.

Presently. Interior of the Drugstore, elderly people are crowding the store. They are yelling and waving pieces of paper in their hands.

CUSTOMER 1
Stop shoving me.

CUSTOMER 2
Hurry, we don’t have much time.

CUSTOMER 3
Please, I’m sick.

Stella, a well dressed woman in her 60’s and Chica, a 13 year old latina approach the counter. Stella hands the pharmacist a stack of prescriptions.

STELLA
I need all these filled.

PHARMACIST
Sorry ma’am. Only one per customer.

The pharmacist points to a hand written sign. Its reads: One Perscription Filled Per Customer.

PHARMACIST
We are rationing all medication.

Stella puts a huge stack of cash on the counter. The pharmacist has a tired and defeated look on his face.

PHARMACIST
*SIGH* Whatever, were all probably going to die today anyway.

He begins putting large bottles of pills on the counter. Five women enter the front door and push their way through the crowd. Four of the women are dressed the same. Red pants, a red t-shirt with the M.A.D.D. logo across the chest, and black mourning veils covering their heads and faces. The fifth woman is known by her group as Mother. She is wearing a black funeral dress with a black M.A.D.D. shirt pulled over. Chica notices Mother and begins to tap Stella on the leg to get her attention.

STELLA
What do YOU want!?

Chica points at Mother.

CHICA
La Madre.

STELLA
English!

CHICA
It’s Mother.

Stella turns around to see Mother. Stella grabs Chica and pulls her in front of her body, as if to use Chica as a human shield. Mother approaches them. She puts her hand on Chica’s shoulder and gently moves her out of the way. Then she steps nose to nose with Stella.

MOTHER
You could have prevented all of this, you know? I have spent a lot of time and resources finding you, but it will be worth it to see you pay for your crimes. I cant say I’m not going to enjoy….

SMACK! Stella slaps Mother in the face.

MOTHER
(to her companions)
O.k. girls, get her.

The women lunge toward Stella. BLAM! A loud blast comes from the front of the drugstore. A man in a ski mask has just fired a shotgun into the ceiling. Everyone in the drugstore is shocked and frightened.

POOKIE
Listen up bitches, this is a stick up.

Presently. Exterior of a parking lot in another part of Miami. The lot is full of empty cars. Frenzy, a famous rapper from Queens, New York, is walking around the lot looking for a car to steal. He is soaking wet and wearing a life-preserver. He breaks into an old RV and hops into the drivers seat. Frenzy begins looking for a key in the sun visor and ashtray when he is startled by a sound behind him.

FRENZY
Hello?

He turns around and pulls back a curtain. He sees the inside of the RV has been turned into a makeshift laboratory. There are cages with mice, beakers, and burners. Working in the lab is Ronnie, a 45 year old chemist who looks like a mad scientist.

FRENZY
Hey man, sorry. I didn’t know….

Ronnie pays him no attention. He doesn’t stop working or look up.

RONNIE
(without looking away from his experiment)
Get out, your contaminating my lab.

FRENZY
Heed my warning. You will die today if you fail to leave. The Cubans are storming Miami Beach as we sit here talking.

RONNIE
(without looking away from his experiment)
Thanks for your concern, now please get the fuck….

Jamesvomit
11-18-2013, 06:41 PM
Ronnie looks up with a panicked look on his face. He yells to Frenzy as he was leaving the RV.

RONNIE
WAIT! Did you say Cubans?

FRENZY
Yeah Cubans. As in the people native to the island nation of Cuba. As in the communist country currently invading…You know I hope those rats eat your dumbasss after they put bullets in you.

Ronnie jumps up, turns off the burners, and begins to put things in the lab away.

RONNIE
WAIT! Come back brother I’m sorry, you can ride with me. Here, you drive.

Ronnie throws Frenzy the keys. Frenzy throws the keys back.

FRENZY
Not a good idea. The DEA have roadblocks everywhere. With all the shit in here, we would get detained for sure. I don’t know if you have had any run ins with the DEA lately but they have gotten bad. Getting caught driving your mobile-meth lab would be a death sentence.

RONNIE
I‘m not cooking meth.

FRENZY
Well your not baking cakes in here Heisenberg! Whatever your doing it looks illegal as shit.

RONNIE
O.k. let me think.

FRENZY
How about you do that, and I will just leave you with your thoughts.

Frenzy walks away. Ronnie grabs one rat from its cage. He picks up a bottle of Vodka and begins splashing it on the remaining rats. Ronnie opens a safe and pulls out a small lock-box. He turns the gas on to the burners in his lab. Ronnie lights a match.

RONNIE
(to the rats)
Nice working with you.

Presently. Back at the Pharmacy. Jasper and Pookie have entered, both wearing ski masks and carrying bags and sawed off shotguns. Pookie approaches the pharmacist, pushing his way between Stella and Mother. He spots the large stack of money, and bottles of pills on the counter.

POOKIE
(yelling back to Jasper)
Damn man, we hit the jackpot!

Pookie points his shotgun at the pharmacist and hands him the gym bag.

POOKIE
Fill it up.

The pharmacist just sighs and fills up the bag. Pookie turns and points his shotgun at Mother.

POOKIE
(to Mother)
O.K. Now you grab that bag and bring it outside.

Stella grabs the bag before Mother has the chance to. She hands it to Chica

STELLA
(to Pookie)
We will carry your bag for you.

(to Chica)
Come on Chica, move your ass!

Pookie, Jasper, Stella and Chica make their way to the exit. Down the road, at that same time, there is a United Nations tank speeding towards the pharmacy. The tank is being driven by James, a 30 year old white male. Pookie and Jasper run out of the pharmacy dragging along Stella, Chica and a bag of money and pills. Jasper is the first out of the store. He runs into the middle of the street towards their getaway car and into the path of the oncoming tank. Inside the tank, James sees Jasper run into the street. He swerves to avoid Jasper and crashes into Pookie and Jasper’s getaway car. For a second the group looks stunned. Pookie calmly walks up to the tank dragging along Chica. He points the barrel of his shotgun at the barrel of the tank.

JASPER
(yelling to Pookie)
******, have you lost your mind!?

POOKIE
(yelling at the tank)
Get out!

JASPER
You smoked yourself retarded.

Pookie points his shotgun to the head of Chica.

POOKIE
(in a calm yet firm voice)
Get out.

The hatch on the tank opens. James pokes the top half of his body out. His hands are above his head. Pookie points his gun at James and turns his head to Jasper and winks.

POOKIE
All aboard.

Pookie motions for Jasper and Stella to get on the tank. Pookie grabs Chica and hands her up to Jasper. Pookie climbs on the tank and goes down inside with James.

POOKIE
Drive cracker.

JAMES
Where?

POOKIE
To the Interstate.

Back at Ronnie’s RV. Ronnie throws the match on the vodka soaked rats and exit’s the RV. The one rat he saved sits on his shoulder. The RV catches fire as he walks away. Ronnie approaches Frenzy who is now standing on the shoulder of I-95 with his right thumb extended and his left hand holding a cardboard sign written on with magic marker. It reads: ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

RONNIE
I could have used your help back there.

FRENZY
Hey I’m not an exterminator. (or: if you want help killing rats, call a fucking exterminator.) Man I could hear those rats screaming from here. That sound is going to give me fucked up dreams tonight.

RONNIE
Trust me, we didn’t need those guys running around Florida. They are more dangerous than the Cubans.

FRENZY
Hey man, just leave me alone. I am trying to get a ride out of here and I don’t need your help.

RONNIE
Yes you do. I have some experience hitchin rides. I used to do it all the time. In fact, I have thumbed rides all over. You ever heard of that band Grateful Dead?

FRENZY
I’m not gonna tell you again cuz, leave me alone.

RONNIE
Listen brother, you’re going to need my help.

FRENZY
Yeah, why is that?

RONNIE
Cause you’re a scary looking black dude.

FRENZY
Shit! You look like you just escaped the sanitarium! And why did you bring that rat.

RONNIE
This rat is going to get us a ride.

FRENZY
How?

RONNIE
Some animal lover will see him and stop. People are quicker to come to the rescue of an animal in need than other people in need.

FRENZY
Yeah but a rat? Not even those pussy’s in Peta like rats.

Ronnie steps in front of Frenzy and raises his thumb. Just then a tank pulls to a screeching halt right in front of them.

RONNIE
See. What did I tell you!

The hatch on the tank opens and Pookie hops out.

POOKIE
(to Frenzy)
Oh shit! It IS you. You that nigga Frenzy right?

FRENZY
Formally known as, I guess.

POOKIE
I saw you perform in Atlanta at the Tabernacle. Do you remember that show? You put it down! I cant believe its you!

Pookie extends his hand to Frenzy.

POOKIE
Well damn nigga hop on. We will give you a lift. Your friend can come too.

Frenzy and Ronnie enter the tank with Pookie. They look around the tank and see everyone is being held at gun point by Jasper and Pookie.

RONNIE
(to Frenzy)
Good going. YOU got us kidnapped.

The group drives for a few more miles up the interstate. They pull over to a gas station and drive up to the pump.

POOKIE
(to the group)
Everyone wait here.

(to Jasper)
Come on Jasper.

Pookie and Jasper hop out and talk privately. A minute later they return to the hatch .

JAMES
Is there a problem?

JASPER
Yeah, ummm, how do you put gas in a tank?

JAMES
If you plan on keeping us hostage can I suggest you find something a little roomier and a lot better on gas.

STELLA
Do you plan on keeping us hostage?

POOKIE
Everyone just wait here.

Pookie and Jasper hop back off the tank.

JASPER
(whispering)
So what do you think we ought to do with them? That old bitch looks like she is rich. Did you see her earrings?

POOKIE
I know that ****** Frenzy is loaded man! I have heard him rap about moving kilos. Lets keep em.

They decide to split up and take two UN vans that have been left abandoned in the parking lot of the gas station. Pookie takes Frenzy and Ronnie in VAN 1. While Jasper takes Stella, Chica, and James in VAN 2. They drive north on I-95 to meet their pill buyer.

Steven Forbes
11-18-2013, 09:33 PM
This is on the severe end of "not good."

Go back, break it down into pages and panels, at the very least.

There are guides on how to write scripts all over the internet. Find one, and adapt this to it. When you reach P11, stop and post it. The only reason I'm not deleting the second post is because there are no page delineations.

Oh, after you've adapted the script, read the forum rules. That'll help you in the future, too.

As it is, I'm not going to read this. Find a format first. That's if this is supposed to be a comic book script.

If it's supposed to be something else, please let me know, and I can come back to it accordingly.

Jamesvomit
12-05-2013, 08:00 PM
I really just need feedback on the story itself. I haven't tried adapting it to comic script because I'm just not familiar enough with comic books to do so. My ultimate goal is to get the story written in this format because it makes sense to me, then hire an editor to adapt it. I think this format might even be easier to read for people who are not used to reading comic scripts. Anyone have any feedback on the story. It's the first part of a nine part story, and is a science fiction adventure quest similar to Y: the last man.

JeremyRJackson
12-05-2013, 09:41 PM
I didn't really make it all the way through but it was mainly because of the dialog. I feel like the dialog was uncharacteristic of the characters. Especially if I hear someone drop the "cracker" line, typically there is a little slang there. For example, I would use cracka.

Now, I feel as though Pookie's dialog should greatly contrast that of Jasper's. Mainly because Pookie dropping the "Cracker" line, I assume he is a thug or gangster wannabe. As for Jasper, well you describe him as a redneck.

I live in a small hick town in Ohio, and well, Jasper's speech patterns do not really sound country to me.

True story, I also have two drug addicted brothers and if you were to hear how I speak in correlation to their vocabulary, you would see how drug use, or rather, the time spent around that crowd, will warp the way they talk.

In short I kinda feel like all of the dialog is coming from the same person. I really don't wish to offend, because I am not saying that I could do any better. I just think that you need to give them more individual, personal, characteristics, at least in their dialog, to a: match their character, and b: give the illusion that this is a conversation and not a monologue.

I would also like to point out that I have had the very same issue with some "professional" writers, but, hey, maybe I am just incapable of using my imagination to split up, or differentiate between characters, or at least their speech patterns.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings,
Jeremy R. Jackson.

Jamesvomit
12-05-2013, 10:58 PM
Thanks Jeremy. I am working on giving them all a unique voice. All my characters talk just like me. Lol

Steven Forbes
12-05-2013, 11:23 PM
I really just need feedback on the story itself. I haven't tried adapting it to comic script because I'm just not familiar enough with comic books to do so. My ultimate goal is to get the story written in this format because it makes sense to me, then hire an editor to adapt it. I think this format might even be easier to read for people who are not used to reading comic scripts. Anyone have any feedback on the story. It's the first part of a nine part story, and is a science fiction adventure quest similar to Y: the last man.

You're asking a lot of anyone who would be reading this.

It isn't the editor's job to tell you how to tell your story. Want to get familiar with comic book scripting? Write comic scripts. Anything else is just an excuse, and an extremely poor one at that. There are writing challenges here on DW, there are resources all over the internet about how to go about writing a script, there are books on how to do it.

If you hire an editor, their job isn't to adapt your story. Their job is to help you tell your story.

What you've posted here doesn't help anyone. It's all one page. Panel counts and page breaks are your friend. Gather your tools and learn how to use them. Don't wind up paying more because you don't want to learn how to do something.

Paul LaPorte
12-05-2013, 11:49 PM
Well, like Steve said, this isn't a comic script. It's gotta be broken down into panels and pages. This more closely resembles a play script than a comic script.

The dialogue was... Fine. A little too "edgy" for the sake of being edgy for my tastes, but it fits the subject matter.

Some grammar issues (Your/You're) here and there.

And it was very hard to get the feeling of the setting because the description of the scene was VERY bare bones, and, as has been previously stated, there were no page/panel breakdowns.

My advice: Start combing through the Proving Grounds (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) archives over at Comxtribe. You're going to learn a bunch there. Also, be sure to read the article on comic scripting (http://blambot.com/comicscript.shtml) over at Blambot. Those will help show you how to set up and pace a comic story.

You have a lot of work to do. I know that the idea of learning formatting and proper setup probably isn't very appealing to you, but it's crucial. If you want to become a better comic writer, that means getting better in all aspects of it. Not just story telling.

Bishop
12-05-2013, 11:50 PM
Personally, I have a really hard time reading this. It doesn't just not follow the comic script format. It doesn't follow any script format. Not breaking this down by page/panel/scene/locale makes it hard to visualize. No flow is established making the story feel like a giant run-on sentence.

Scribbly
12-07-2013, 08:22 AM
Yes, we can read this as play for theater.
COMICS IS SEQUENCE. Sequential art.
Remember, for comics, we are moving on throughout the story by IMAGES first.

Each image is a "BEAT" of the action called PANEL.
Thus, 3 panels of images in continuity are a SEQUENCE.

Text and dialogue are coming in second place. On top of this basement.
After the graphic actions are settled.
And after we know how much space for text and dialogue we can have inside these panels.
As rule of thumb, for Marvel and DC comics, text and dialogue shouldn't go far
from 25/30 words per panel on a page of 6 panels.

(Marvel method?)
A brief IDEA of what happens in each page. (the plot)
Then, the artist break this IDEA for page in 2 main events or ACTIONS represented by 6 sequential panels.
After the artwork is made, the dialogue can be made up on top of the artwork in each panel.

For full scripts:
WE can break down each ACTION in the page by "units" of 3 panels in sequence.
Example:
1 action > 3 panels => sequence.

In the sequence, each panel (or beat) has an use and meaning of its own.
1-First panel = Introduction
2- Second panel = Crisis (*)
3- Third panel = Resolution

In comics we "always" read the action in sequential mode.
But the sequences ARE NOT restricted by the page.
We can start a sequence in one page and end it in the next page.
Usually, using the second panel in the sequence, (*) THE CRISIS, as "the Hook" for turning the page.

Remember:
No matter how many PANELS we can have per page, 1 to 12 panels,
EVERY 3 PANELS we have 1 sequence to read.

Note:
American comics has "an average" of 6 panels per page => 2 actions/or events per page
European has 9 panels per page =>3 actions/ or events per page
Japanese Manga has 3 panels per page => 1 action/ or event per page
Newspaper Comics strips have 3 to 4 panels. => 1 action (or event for strip)

Scribbly
12-07-2013, 12:50 PM
Now James,
According to these parameters above mentioned, here you have the adaptation to
comics format, straight from the first post of your script.
Your welcome.

(TITLE?)

PAGE 1 (six panels)
Panel 1
MIAMI
Present. DAY. Exterior of a drugstore in Miami. There is a line of customers coming out of the door and stretching down the block. All the surrounding stores are boarded up and out of business. Across the street, sitting in a car is Pookie, a toothless, balding, and dirty crack head; and Jasper, a bloated looking redneck with scars on his face. Between them is a gym's bag full of prescription pill bottles. Jasper holds up a bottle and begins trying to pronounce the name on the label.
JASPER (Mispronouncing the name)
Acet….ceta… mena….phina. Man, I don’t know what these are.
POOKIE
What do they look like?

Panel 2
Jasper opens the bottle and dumps a few pills into his palm.
JASPER
They are big and blue.

Panel 3
Jasper swallows the pills and chases them with a shot of alcohol from a flask.
POOKIE
Quit man! Your eating our profits. I’m pretty sure those ones are good.
JASPER
Well I’m about to find out.

Panel 4
Jasper eats another couple pills and chases them with another shot of alcohol.
POOKIE
Stop that! What else does it say on the bottle?
JASPER (reading pill bottle)
“Warning, May result in death when combined with alcohol.” Oh, shit.

Panel 5
POOKIE
No cracker that’s a good sign. It means they are strong.
JASPER
Yeah, but I already ate like ten of them!

Panel 6
POOKIE
You’ll be fine. I’d guess you have at least forty-five minutes before they kick in. Now, straighten up and put your game face on. We have to go to work.


PAGE 2 (seven panels)
Panel 1
Pookie pulls a ski mask down over his face. He looks at Jasper.
POOKIE
You ready cracker.

Panel 2
Jasper pulls a ski mask over his face and takes a shot from his flask. He looks back at Pookie.
JASPER
Yeah ****** , you?

Panel 3
Pookie smokes a hit of crack off a glass pipe.
POOKIE (talking as he exhales smoke)
Ready.

Panel 4
Interior of the Drugstore, elderly people are crowding the store. They are yelling and waving pieces of paper in their hands.
CUSTOMER 1
Stop shoving me.
CUSTOMER 2
Hurry, we don’t have much time.
CUSTOMER 3
Please, I’m sick.

Panel 5
Stella, a well dressed woman in her 60’s and Chica, a 13 year old latina approach the counter. Stella hands the pharmacist a stack of prescriptions.
STELLA
I need all these filled.
PHARMACIST
Sorry ma’am. Only one per customer.

Panel 6
The pharmacist points to a hand written sign. Its reads: One Perscription Filled Per Customer.
PHARMACIST
We are rationing all medication.

Panel 7
Stella puts a huge stack of cash on the counter. The pharmacist has a tired and defeated look on his face.
PHARMACIST
*SIGH* Whatever, were all probably going to die today anyway.


PAGE 3 ( Six panels)
Panel 1
Splash panel.
The pharmacist begins putting large bottles of pills on the counter. Five women enter the front door and push their way through the crowd. Four of the women are dressed the same. Red pants, a red t-shirt with the M.A.D.D. logo across the chest, and black mourning veils covering their heads and faces. The fifth woman is known by her group as Mother. She is wearing a black funeral dress with a black M.A.D.D. shirt pulled over. Chica notices Mother and begins to tap Stella on the leg to get her attention.
STELLA
What do YOU want!?

Panel 2
Chica points at Mother.
1- CHICA
La Madre.
1- STELLA
English!
2- CHICA
It’s Mother.

Panel 3
Stella turns around to see Mother who steps nose to nose with her.
MOTHER
You could have prevented all of this, you know? I have spent a lot of time and resources finding you, but it will be worth it to see you pay for your crimes. I cant say I’m not going to enjoy….

Panel 4
SFX: SMACK! Stella slaps Mother in the face.

Panel 5
MOTHER
(to her companions)
O.k. girls, get her.

Panel 6
The women lunge toward Stella. BLAM! A loud blast comes from the front of the drugstore. A man in a ski mask has just fired a shotgun into the ceiling. Everyone in the drugstore is shocked and frightened.
POOKIE
Listen up bitches, this is a stick up.


PAGE 4 (Six panels)
Panel 1
Splash panel.
Present. Exterior of a parking lot in another part of Miami. The lot is full of empty cars. Frenzy, a famous rapper from Queens, New York, is walking around the lot looking for a car to steal. He is soaking wet and wearing a life-preserver.

Panel 2
Frenzy breaks into an old RV and hops into the drivers seat.

Panel 3
Frenzy begins looking for a key in the sun visor and ashtray when he is startled by a sound behind him.
FRENZY
Hello?

Panel 4
-Wide panel
He turns around and pulls back a curtain. He sees the inside of the RV has been turned into a makeshift laboratory. There are cages with mice, beakers, and burners. Working in the lab is Ronnie, a 45 year old chemist who looks like a mad scientist.
FRENZY
Hey man, sorry. I didn’t know….

Panel 5
Ronnie pays him no attention. He doesn’t stop working or look up.
RONNIE
(without looking away from his experiment)
Get out, your contaminating my lab.

Panel 6
FRENZY
Heed my warning. You will die today if you fail to leave. The Cubans are storming Miami Beach as we sit here talking.
RONNIE
(without looking away from his experiment)
Thanks for your concern, now please get the fuck….

(Continues..)