View Full Version : Skyfire Syndrome (5 Pages)

10-28-2013, 12:16 PM
This is my first script but i really like where is heading. I would REALLY appreciate every feedback possible as i am trying to improve as a creative writer. English is not my native language so any suggestions regarding grammar and such are also welcome. If someone is interested on using it to practice art or just would like to read the complete 1st Issue let me know and i'll provide it! Thanks in advance!

Page 1-

1-Text: Somewhere in the Amazon rainforest.
The horizontal panel portrays a foggy scene. Rainforest vegetation is present. A silhouette of a skinny teenage girl (Betsi) is in the middle of the scene. The girl holds something with both hands against her chest.

2-Panel is half as long as the last one, equally tall.
Betsi’s face is portrayed, she’s scared, her eyes looking fearfully at the right. Fog is present in the background.

3-Panel looks the same as the last one.
Betsi’s face is portrayed exactly as before, this time looking fearfully at the left. The fog present in the background resembles the silhouette of a hunting creature; a glimmer resembles its eye.

4-Tilted insert panel accentuates fast movement.
Betsi quickly turns back, scared of what she might find.
Spx: clik!

5-Panel looks the same as the first one.
From a frontal view, Betsi is using her left hand to cover her face from a blinding ray of diffused light that penetrates the fog.

6-Panel is vertical and half as long as the page.
Scene portrayed from Betsi’s back. Betsi’s left hand is now lowered; her right hand holds several berries, some of them now on the ground. In front of her is Victoria, her mother. Victoria stands tall, finally at ease. Victoria’s right hand pats Betsi’s head while the left holds down a really bright flashlight. Fog and vegetation are still present.
There you are you little wanderer! What were you doing this time?

7-Panel looks the same as the last one.
Scene portrays the backs of Betsi and Victoria as they walk away from the fog. Victoria holds Betsi’s left hand. The flashlight pierces the fog and lights the way.
I was looking for food and I found berries, real delicious berries by the way!
You made me go through all this for berries; you sure are one hell of a cutie, aren’t you?
I’m sorr-
VICTORIA [interrupt]
Don’t be, we’ll have berries today!

Page 2-

1-Panel is big, almost ¾ tall and all-long.
Front view. Victoria is crossing over a mossy branch. A lot of rainforest vegetation is present but there is no more fog. Victoria and Betsi are about to arrive at the establishment. Betsi had crossed already and is helping her mother through. Both are happy to be back home.
You know your father is going to kill you, don’t you? This is what… the fifth time you disappear? It’s not that hard to just stay put and follow my lead.
Seriously… follow your lead? All you do is look for animals to pet. Also, dad might actually kill you mom!
Pfft. I don’t th-… well maybe, yeah…

2-Angled view looks down on the abandoned buildings that made up the establishment, monolithic gray buildings half covered with moss and other vegetation. Massive roots intruded into the buildings as well. There’s a campfire surrounded by men and some other residents are scattered around the area. Betsi and Victoria are approaching the establishment.
BETSI [narration]
Fear is such an incomprehensible feeling. There is no way to tell how fear feels like until you live it, no way to mimic it… no way to prepare. Back then there was no way in hell for me to comprehend fear; even today I doubt I fully understand it.

3-An Assault Soldier from the Judgment Army has found the establishment, his right hand moving away vegetation that was previously blocking his view. Behind him there’s a massive transporting truck and several other soldiers.
BETSI [narration]
Sooner or later life will show you fear… Such is the beauty of life…

4-Text: 2 Weeks Ago.
A young blonde man sits in a lower bunk bed; the room looks very high tech. The man wears a white high tech jumpsuit.
VOICE [off panel]
Soldier, get ready… the ceremony is about to start.

Page 3-

1-Panel is as tall as the page and 1/3 as long.
A royal high priest dressed in a white robe and several spiky golden adornments is crowning a soldier kneeling in front of him with a very high tech helmet as a new soldier for the Judgment Army. The high priest’s figure defeats the panel’s borders. The soldier is dressed in the rest of the combat regalia.
As of now stand tall as the empowered warrior you have become, let the infidels tremble beneath your fist whose sole purpose on earth is to defend the will of God and condemn those who oppose it.

2-The scene portrays from a side how the soldier now stands tall facing the high priest with his helmet on. The soldier’s name is Vernon.
I will not disappoint… your highness.
None ever do, God’s might now shines in your heart young one.

3-The high priest now speaks to a dozen of soldiers in front of him that were just crowned as Vernon was.
At sunrise the platoon is leaving. As protectors of the will of God your duty commands you to travel south with it and conquer the savage lands in the name of our father. Purge these lands of any heretic stench for its soil will soon host our newest outpost.

4-Small insert panel that lays on the lower right corner of the last panel.
Vernon is shocked to hear the news about the next day’s departure.
VERNON [thought]
The south… formerly known as The Amazons… No more than savage lands and hiding places for infidels and other wretches. I wonder if any worthy foes hide within the forest.

5-The soldiers are now leaving the room as a group with their helmets at hand. A soldier walks along Vernon and speaks to him.
We’re finally over with training huh? Time for the real challenge!
Challenge you say? Perhaps… or maybe we’re being sent to hunt tribesman and build castles… who knows…
My challenge will be to survive that many days with your humor around…

Page 4-

1-Text: Now.
Panel is horizontal and all-long.
Rick is standing with both hands on the table, analyzing a set of maps while two men discuss with him.
Our fuel reserves are very limited; if we’re going to use them to get the rover up and running we better come back with a truckload of supplies.
MAN #1 (costarrican)
I tell you mae, I found someth-
RICK [interrupt]
Well tell us what you found. You can’t have us running in blind. What is it that you found that is so important you would risk our fuel reserves to get to?
MAN #1 (costarrican)
*sigh* I… near the river… There’s a-
BETSI [off panel/interrupt]

2-Betsi offers Rick a handful of berries as she smiles to him. Victoria is behind Betsi and also smiling.
There you are you little scoundrel! What were you even doing missy?
I got berries dad… focus on the berries! They’re amazing, I swear!
B-berries? Where did you even find these, are they edible? Please tell me you didn’t eat any of these without even knowing.
I sure hope they are… for mom’s sake.

3-The scene portrays Rick alongside Betsi and Victoria while he pats Betsi in the head and speaks to the men he discussed with. Man #1 looks relieved he didn’t have to share what he found with his peers, the other man looks troubled. Rick’s figure defeats the panel’s upper border and overlays into the last panel.
We’ll have to think about it, let’s talk about it again over dinner, ok?
MAN #2
We should seriously stop wasting our meeting time listening to this dumbass… just saying…
Look around; is there anything else that we can do with our time these days?

4-The panel is not all-long.
The panel portrays from a side how several soldiers prepare to assault from the shadows of the vegetation they’re shrouded in. All of the soldiers have high tech rifles or shotguns in hand.

5-The panel is a close-up on one of the soldiers from last panel that is now ready to assault.

6-The panel is a much closer look at the shotgun held by the soldier from the last panel, he loads the shotgun for attack.
Spx: Schklikt

Page 5-

1-Text: Hours ago.
The panel is a horizontal 2/3 long panel aligned to the left of the page.
The panel is pitch black and portrays nothing other than sound effects.
Spx: rrrrruuummmmmbleeeeee
Vernon wake up, we finally got something. Vernon!

2-The panel is a horizontal 2/3 long panel aligned to the center of the page and is below the last panel.
The panel portrays a blurry first person view from Vernon. A soldier is standing in front speaking to him.
The search party sent yesterday found an establishment several miles from here. It’s surprisingly big so get ready. We’re going to get deployed.
VERNON [thought]
Deployed? Deployed to do what exactly? Amass supplies, slave cavemen… rinse and repeat. So bothersome.

3-The panel is a horizontal 2/3 long panel aligned to the right of the page and is below the last panel.
Vernon is sitting at one side of the transport with his left hand in his face and hair as he tries to wake up. Other soldiers sitting and standing around are also getting ready.

4-The panel is a vertical panel that takes the space left at the left side of the page by the last panel.
Vernon and other soldiers exit the transport vehicle with their helmets at hand. Vegetation is present in the background.

5-From a portrait view Vernon holds his helmet in both hands as he stares at it.
BETSI [narration]
The will of God is another interesting concept, no wonder why fear is so cohesive with it… It drives men to do the unspeakable and allows their regret to wash away…

6-From a frontal view Vernon now has his helmet on.
For the will of God is now my own!!!

Paul LaPorte
10-28-2013, 02:32 PM
Thanks for posting your script. The first thing that jumped out to me is the formatting. The way you had everything formatted made it very difficult to read. It was tough for me to differentiate at a glance what was dialogue, what was setting description, etc. For my scripts I use Blambot's guide to scripting. It's really good because it does a good job of separating out the different categories of text, and numbers every individual line of dialogue, which is a big help when you need to reference a specific line in the script. You can find the article here (http://blambot.com/comicscript.shtml).

Also, I would be less concerned about describing the size of the panel, and more focused on describing what's inside the panel. I tend to want to let my artist decide panel size and orientation. After all, they're the artist, I'm the writer.

As far as the story goes... It was fine, but I'm guessing that this script is just the start of a bigger script you have. I like a slow burn in my comics, myself, and that's how I write, but when I do scripts to present to the community that are only five pages long, I make sure to hit all of my beats in those five pages instead of leaving people unfulfilled at the end.

Might I suggest you submit your script to Comix Tribe's proving ground? You can submit up to ten pages of the script and they will edit it for you for free. It is viewed by the public, and their criticism can be harsh, so you have to have a thick skin, but I think it would help you out quite a bit.

10-29-2013, 12:53 AM
Thanks a lot for the feedback. I will definitely look into it. The format is for sure not the same on my document, i had a hard time formatting as i had it on my .docx document but i will look into it.

It is my first script so of course i'll have to take some harsh critics but that's the way to grow. Thanks!

11-03-2013, 01:27 AM
Here's another idea i've been tinkering with. I used the guide you provided me with as i found it amazing. I appreciate any feedback!

Written by Fabian Cerdas / © 2013 Comicspace

Panel 1: Blaise walks under the rain in a hasty fashion, he’s heading towards his apartment in the city. Its dark and the city’s night lights barely illuminate his way. Blaise looks troubled as he rushes through the street; his hands are inside his trench coat’s pockets.
1. NARRATION (BLAISE): Have you ever felt desolation?
2. NARRATION (BLAISE): Has there been a moment in your life where not only an overwhelming amount of $#!^ piles on top of you… but also there is no one around, nothing to keep you from drowning?

Panel 2: Blaise reaches the metallic half-rusted stairs that lead to a building’s entrance. He flaps his trench coat in an attempt to dry it. In the background, the heavy rain distorts the city lights and the dark skies glimmer.
3. BLAISE: These stairs are going to be the death of me… every night they’re the last thing I face before I go to bed.
4. NARRATION (BLAISE): I’m there right here right now and I can tell you this much… it’s not nice.
5. NARRATION (BLAISE): I just want my bed… and this emptiness to go away.

Panel 3: Blaise faces one of the many doors inside the poorly lighted hallway. He’s looking for his keys inside his pockets as his wet trench coat drips.
6. BLAISE: Ha. I was wrong… those stairs were just the preface to this nightmare. Why does everything want to keep me from my bed tonight?

Panel 4: The room is pitch black. Blaise’s silhouette, barely lighted by the hallway’s light, depicts him reaching for the light switch.
7. SPX: Click!

Panel 5: Detail on Blaise’s face, now half-lit by the hallway’s light. He is annoyed by the light switch’s malfunction.
8. BLAISE: Are you @*$#ing kidding me? Even th-

Panel 6: The lights finally spark to life lighting the rather dull apartment. Alex is relieved to see the light switch did its job. There is barely any furniture inside, on top of a table there’s a DSLR camera and several books.
10. BLAISE: Oh… there we go! Victory at…


Panel 1: Blaise is shocked to see the smudged trail of blood on the floor in front of him, he drops his keys. The trail leads to a dark room, his office.
1. BLAISE: …last.

Panel 2: Blaise throws his trench coat on top of the table and rushes to follow the blood trail, still looking shocked. The front door is left open.
2. BLAISE: What the hell is going on in here? Is there anyone in there?

Panel 3: Blaise is about to enter the room.
3. NARRATION (BLAISE): My name is Blaise Hagans. I’m a 28-year old photojournalist… heir to the Hagans family legacy of nothingness.
4. NARRATION (BLAISE): My father used to be a… successful business man to say the least. A couple of years ago he drove the family fortune to the ground… a train-wreck of a man.

Panel 4: Detail on Blaise’s hand as he just flipped the light switch on his office room.
5. SPX: Click!
6. NARRATION (BLAISE): I have no idea of what’s going on in here or why is this happening to me but I do know that this day can’t get any worse at this point.

Panel 5: The office is as dull as the rest of the apartment. Among the few furniture pieces there is a desk stacked with books and cd cases as well as an old bookcase. Everything is rather dusty and there is only one single window in the room. In the corner of the room there’s a skinny and pale teenage girl (Alex) who’s soaking wet and curled up in fear, her dark hair covers her face. Alex wears nothing else than a white lab coat with some blood stain. Both her legs and arms are bruised and dirty.
7. ALEX (WEAK): P-please… just don’t hurt me…
8. NARRATION (BLAISE): …or can it?


Panel 1: Blaise approaches Alex slowly, carefully studying her scrapes and wounds. Alex is still curled up in fear and pain, she’s also shaking. Heavy rain and thunder is visible through the window in the room.
1. BLAISE: Wh-who are you? How did you get in here?
2. ALEX: I don’t kn-
3. BLAISE (INTERRUPT): Don’t know? Stop this nonsense. Tell me how you got inside my apartment and why are you wearing that… Should you be in the hospital? Who are you?
4. ALEX: My name is Alex… I… I don’t come from a hospital.

Panel 2: Blaise crouches and is about to put his hand on Alex’s shoulder, he looks worried yet not so shocked anymore. Alex looks up to him, still soaking wet.
5. BLAISE: Alex, are you hurt? Look, I’m going to call the cops… you’ll be fi-…
6. ALEX (INTERRUPT): No… stay…

Panel 3: Alex is unfolds her arms and leans forward as if being possessed by a force she can’t control. Her eyes have a light blue glimmer and a pressurized aura is present around her as if she just shot a bullet. Blaise is pushed back by the impact and thrown across the room. Dust lifts and books are pushed aside from the table and bookcase, the room is a dusty chaotic mess.
7. ALEX: Stay away!!!
8. BLAISE: Ggyyaaaghhh!
9. BLAISE (THOUGHT): What the $#% was that?

Panel 4: Blaise is barely conscious; he attempts to regain his sight after being thrown across the room and into a wall. Blaise uses his right hand to feel his head in an attempt to suppress the pain. A cloud of dust starts settling down, some books are scattered around the floor.
10. BLAISE (WEAK): Whuuughh… What… what just happened?
11. ALEX (OFF): I’m so sorry… are you ok? I better leave…
12. NARRATION (BLAISE): What just happened? What happened is I just got thrown across the room by a soaking wet teenage girl that’s way too late for Halloween… And I thought being laid off from work was weird.

Panel 5: Alex walks by Blaise as he’s still weak, she’s heading outside. Blaise looks completely lost; his hand is now covering half his face as he attempts to recuperate. A swirling invisible aura is still present around Alex, dust particles and books are swept away from her as she walks by.

Panel 6: Detail on Blaise, he’s having troubles staying conscious, his eyes start shutting down. His clothes and hair are all ravaged and dusty. Everything starts going blurry and dark.

Panel 7: Blaise losses control of his eyesight and everything goes pitch black.
13. BLAISE (THOUGHT): No… please… come back… Alex?


Panel 1: From Blaise’s first person view we see, in a blurry fashion, his arms and legs tied to a chair. The room is dark and barely lighted by a lamp hanging from the roof. Some men are gathered around. Blaise is wet, scraped and dusty.
1. THE SERAPH (VOICE OVER): …just wake him up and find out what he knows, we can’t waste too much time on this guy.
2. VICTORY (VOICE OVER): Yes sir, right away.
3. VICTORY (VOICE OVER): Ok boys, you heard The Seraph… soak the bastard!

Panel 2: Three men are gathered around Blaise. All of them are wearing white/silver jumpsuits and are covered in gadgets and high-tech armor. One of the men just splashed Blaise with a bucket of water and the other is at his side with rifle in hand. Victory, the third man, stands tall with hands behind his back ready to interrogate Blaise. Victory’s long earring sparkles. The room is still poorly lit and Blaise is still tied to a chair and now wet and waking up.
4. SPX: Sploch!
5. BLAISE: Guhh… guhh… guhh… Where am I?
6. VICTORY: Mr. Hagans… I’m pretty sure that you know that we can’t tell you that. Care to answer a few questions?

Panel 3: Blaise looks up at Victory as his hair and face drip. Blaise is not only confused but extremely tired. Victory looks back, awaiting to hear from Blaise.
6. BLAISE: Who are you? What do you want?
7. VICTORY: It is you who answers the questions my friend… but since I’m an understanding man… I’ll answer one of yours first. You can call me Victory.
8. BLAISE: Vic… are you &#$@ing with me? Victory… what’s up with that name? I’m broke… just release me.
9. VICTORY: This is not about money Mr. Hagans. What do you know about Project Volatile?

Panel 4: Detail on Blaise. He looks more relaxed as he sits back and starts talking back to Victory.
10. BLAISE: Dude… seriously… I have no idea what you’re talking about. All I know is I’m having a $#@&ty day. On top of that I get home to find that there’s this…

Panel 5: Detail on Blaise. He just remembered what happened back at his apartment, he is surprised and uneasy to remember what Alex did.
11. BLAISE: Alex! What happened to her? Did you guys take her too? She’s hurt… look man, I’ll give you the cash I’ve got…

Panel 6: Victory leans forward and grabs Blaise by his hair pushing his head back. Victory looks both annoyed and cocky. Blaise is taken by surprise and in pain.
11. VICTORY: Enough. You’re nothing more than a bystander. Go back to your useless grim life and stop talking before I lose my patience.


Panel 1: Victory walks away with his hands at his back as he speaks to the other suited men. In the background Blaise has his head down and is still tied to the chair. Both men listen carefully to their instructions.
1. NARRATION (BLAISE): Why do I even care about what happened to her? She left, she’s ok… she’ll go back to the hospital like any sane person would…
2. VICTORY: Please take Mr. Hagans back to his apartment, don’t harm him… don’t steal from him… just let him go back to his life.
3. NARRATION (BLAISE): Yes. Please, I just want my bed. This day has been far too long.

Panel 2: One of the men crouches and starts untying Blaise’s feet from the chair. The other man stays vigilant with rifle in hand. Victory has now left the room.
4. MAN W/ NO RIFLE: You’re a lucky one blondie… looks like The Seraph is only interested in teenagers.
5. BLAISE (THOUGHT): Come on… Why am I doing this? Why pretend?
6. MAN W/ RIFLE: Hey… don’t say that out loud if you treasure your life.

Panel 3: Detail on the man with no rifle as he laughs and answers back.
7. MAN W/ NO RIFLE: Hahahahaha!!! Don’t be such a crybaby man… it’ll b-…

Panel 4: Detail on the man with no rifle as he gets whacked by Blaise’s knee-blow to the chin. The man is in true pain.
8. BLAISE (THOUGHT): This is such a bad idea…
9. SPX: kraackk!!!
10. MAN W/ NO RIFLE: ggaargghh!!!!

Panel 5: Blaise is still tied to the chair by his arms. He stares at the armed man with a fearful look as he taunts him. The armed man is still steady with rifle in hand and aiming at Blaise. Blaise doesn’t try to stand up and release himself as he knows it’s of no use. The man with no rifle is on the ground, bleeding and in pain.
11. BLAISE: Are you going to shoot me or what?
12. MAN W/ RIFLE: Pfft. I’m not like this idiot… you can’t play me. I was ordered not to harm you.
13. BLAISE: Then untie me… stop pretending, you mean no harm!
14. MAN W/ RIFLE: Sigh. I guess a few bullets won’t actually kill you…

Panel 6: Small insert panel portrays detail on Blaise’s panicking face. The left side of his face shows a blue/purple lens flare distortion. His eyes show a light blue glimmer.

Panel 7: The armed man shoots at Blaise’s shoulder. Blaise fades into nothingness.
A blue/purple aura around him appears to drag him away from reality. Half his body appears tangible. Bullet’s go through the chair yet Blaise is still shocked. A tear runs down his cheek.
15. SPX: Thrack!! Thrack!!