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View Full Version : Writing Challenge: ENDS on 10/19/13


Steven Forbes
10-12-2013, 12:30 PM
Okay, folks!

Post your scripts here, discuss them here! Again a five page limit, there has to be a monkey in it, and someone has to say "creamed corn" in the dialogue.

Let's begin!

Evan Henry
10-13-2013, 07:17 PM
I wasn't interested until you said "monkey." :) I have very little free time this week, but I may give it a shot.

Paul LaPorte
10-16-2013, 12:24 PM
Here Goes...

Page One

Panel One

[Wide, establishing shot of a high school lunch room. Round tables surrounded by plastic chairs. The lunch room is filled with monkeys dressed in modern clothing, sitting with each other according to their fashion, in their monkey-cliques. Two monkeys are conversing at a table in the center of the room….]

Monkey One: So how do you think you did on your foraging test?

Monkey Two: Eh, I probably bombed it.

Whatever.

Page Two

Panel One

[Close shot of the two monkeys as they talk at their lunch table, flanked by monkeys on either side of them carrying on their own conversations. Monkey One is wearing glasses with thick black frames and a smart sweater/vest combo. Monkey Two is wearing blue skinny jeans, a dark grey t-shirt and a baseball cap, tilted slightly to the side, with the word “SWAG” written across the front. He has a kind of slumped over posture, the picture of apathy.]

Monkey One: You need to take these tests more seriously. The last thing you need when we get out into the wild is to go on a snack run and scarf down some nightshade.

It’s not like you’ll be able to just go to a cafeteria and get food like you do here.

Panel Two

[Monkey Two leaning over, examining Monkey One’s lunch tray.]

Monkey Two: Speaking of which…

You gonna eat your creamed corn?

Panel Three

[Monkey One; an exacerbated look on his face, slides his tray over to Monkey Two.]

Panel Four

[Close shot of Monkey Two, a handful of creamed corn, as he continues the conversation.]

Monkey Two: Besides, I’m not planning on going out into the wild. Once I’m outta here I’m gonna go into show business.

Commercials… The Circus…

Maybe chill out with a crazy rich pop star for a while.

Page Three

Panel One

[Monkey One waves a celery stick in the direction of Monkey Two as he interrupts.]

Monkey One: Well, considering Michael Jackson has been dead for four years, your chances of the last one have dropped dramatically.

Panel Two

[Close shot of Monkey Two, looking bummed out…]

Monkey Two: Yeah…

Still sucks he’s gone.

Panel Three

[The two monkeys, looking sullen, in remembrance of Michael Jackson.]

Panel Four

[Monkey One picking the conversation back up. His face indicating he’s trying to reason with his friend.]

Monkey One: Look, man, I’m not trying to crap on your dreams.

I’m just saying you should be pre—

Panel Five

The doors to the cafeteria are kicked in by a group of four humans, dressed in body armor, carrying large tranquilizer rifles.

SFX: *THWACK*

Panel Six

[Close up of a monkey, dressed in a security guard’s outfit, yelling out in panic.]

Security Monkey: EVERYBODY RUN!

ZOOKEEPERS!

Page Four

Panel One

[Shot stays on the security guard as a tranquilizer dart slams into his neck. The guard winces in pain.]

Security Monkey: EEK!

Panel Two

[The Security Monkey falls to the ground]

SFX: *THUD*

Panel Three

[Wide shot of the cafeteria as all hell break loose. Tables are being overturned, monkeys are running, ducking, covering, and falling to the ground.]

Panel Four

[Monkeys One and Two, taking cover behind a table. A couple darts hit the wooden surface. Both of them look panicked.]

Monkey One: What are we going to do!?

Monkey Two: I don’t kn—

Wait a minute…

Panel Five

[Close up shot of a circuit breaker box]

Monkey Two [Off panel]: The power box!

If I can get there we can shut the lights off and escape!

Panel Six

[Tight shot of Monkey One, looking over at his friend with a “You can’t be serious.” Expression.]

Monkey One: Are you crazy!? You’ll never make it!

Page Five

Panel One

[Monkey Two darts from behind cover. Monkey One reaches out to him, as though he’s trying to grab and stop him, but it’s too late.]

Monkey Two: I have to try!

Monkey One: No! Don’t!

Panel Two

[Monkey two runs across the cafeteria, leaping off a table, the chaos of the attack still going on around him.]

Panels Three, Four, Five

[Monkey Two jumps up into the rafters and uses them as monkey bars, swinging across the cafeteria. Tranquilizer darts whiz by him as he makes his way to the circuit breaker.]

Panel Six

[Monkey Two, reaching out with his feet, opening the cover of the circuit breaker panel.]

Monkey Two: Here we go…

Panel Seven

[Tight shot of the circuit breaker switch. Monkey Two’s toe just an inch from it, ready to flick the switch.]

Panel Eight

[Shot of one of the Zookeepers, firing his rifle.]

SFX: *CRACK*

Panel Nine

[Monkey Two, grimacing in pair as the tranquilizer dart hits his shoulder.]

Monkey Two: EEP!

Panel Ten

[Tight shot of the circuit breaker switch as Monkey Two flicks it off with his toe.]

SFX: *click*

scrappy
10-17-2013, 04:50 PM
Here is my entry. I went a little crazy/goofy/wild/silly/etc. As you can probably tell by the title. :banana: Enjoy!



My Monkey Likes Creamed Corn (and other reasons why I probably shouldn't wed)

Note: One character wears multiple recognizable costumes during the course of the story. A quick Google search of the costume in question will suffice as a visual reference.

Page 1 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
A close up side shot of a clean cut thirty something year old MAN (we just see his head). The background, barely seen in the panel, looks like the wall of a typical school hallway during the day. The man has a blank expression with his eyes closed.

GUIDE (tailless off panel balloon)
Open your eyes.

Panel 2
An angled shot from behind the man, wearing a tuxedo, so that we can see him looking down the elementary school hallway. Like an elementary school, the hall is small and we see silly streamers and kiddie drawings on billboards. The man is standing in kind of a surprised stance.

MAN
Is...is this my elementary school?

GUIDE (off panel from behind man)
That is correct.

MAN
What am I doing here?

Panel 3
A head on shot of the man, standing straight now, with a confused look. Behind him stands his GUIDE, an identical twin of the man except dressed as a stereotypical Indian with a small headdress, face paint and loincloth. The Indian has a stern look of seriousness on his face.

GUIDE
You're searching for truth. Apparently, this is where you think you'll find it.

MAN
So, I'm dreaming?

Panel 4
A medium shot of the guide holding out his arms with his palms up as if he was weighing two options. His head appears as if it’s two, one looking in the direction of his left hand and the other looking in the direction of his right. His two dialogue bubbles each come from a different head.

GUIDE (looking towards left hand)
Well you might be dreaming.

GUIDE (looking towards right hand)
Or you could've dropped acid and locked yourself in a closet.

Panel 5
A medium close up of the guide pointing to the man's head, with the man now looking at him.

GUIDE
Either way, all this is happening in your head.



Page 2 (4 panels)

Panel 1
A medium shot of the man and guide. The man is now holding out his hand as if to display/gesture towards the guide while the guide is in the process of nodding his head.

MAN
So you must be my spirit guide or something.

GUIDE
That is correct.

Panel 2
Same camera position as previous panel. The man is now scratching his head while the guide shrugs his shoulders.

MAN
Why are you dressed like an Indian?

GUIDE
Because it would seem your subconscious is racist.

Panel 3
A normal shot of the man and his guide, who is now dressed like an orthodox rabbi in a black robe, with a Tallit (prayer shawl) and yamaka. The guide is leaning back slightly and has his hands out as if showing off his look. The man is leaning forward and has his hands under the rabbi's Tallit as he examines it.

GUIDE
There. Is this better?

MAN
But I'm not Jewish.

Panel 4
A medium shot of the guide holding open a classroom door ushering the man inside.

GUIDE
Neither am I, but this comic is only five pages long. So, let's get this show on the road, shall we?



Page 3 (3 panels)

Panel 1
A head on shot of the man and his guide, now dressed like a traditional catholic cardinal, inside the classroom. The man is standing still at the front of the room with a look of disbelief and confusion. The guide is standing still and has his hands resting together peacefully in front of him.

MAN
What the hell is this?

Panel 2
Large wide panel up and behind the man and his guide, now dressed like a Tibetan monk with a bald head, overlooking the elementary school classroom. Although there are kid decorations and drawings along the walls, there are no kids, desks or chairs. The only thing in the room is a long, fancy dining room table set up in the center with elegant silverware and a big chandelier hanging above it. On top the table is a big, gourmet meal consisting of a roasted turkey, champagne, breads and other well-prepared foods. Sitting around the table are several weird and eclectic characters. Starting at the near left seat: there is a middle-aged woman dressed in a leather sex outfit petting a tuxedo wearing MONKEY sitting on the table in front of her. Next to her is an elderly couple consisting of a cliché and stereotypical Dracula (slicked back hair, cape, pale skin, etc) and witch (pointy hat, long nose, grey hair, warts, etc). Now at the head of the table (opposite us) is a blond woman in a wedding dress wearing a white mask with an absolute blank expression. She is sitting peacefully and gracefully with her hands on her lap. Sitting next to her (down the other side of the table) is a middle-aged man with glasses completely wrapped in bubble wrap and typing on a typewriter on the table. Next to him is an empty chair, but standing behind it is a girl dressed as a bozo-like clown and juggling empty glasses and plates. Lastly, the person sitting closest on the right is a knight drenched in full medieval armor, futilely trying to bring a fork full of food to his face hidden behind a visor.

GUIDE
It's your family having dinner. Why? Does it look like something else?

MAN
Well...no. Not really. But this doesn't make any sense.

Panel 3
Another head on shot of the man and his guide, now dressed like a Hindu priest wearing a bright orange robe and turban. The guide is kind of looking towards the man confused, while the man looks like he is sarcastically thinking.

GUIDE
How?

MAN
Hmmm. Where should I start?



Page 4 (5 panels)

Panel 1
A medium close up of the elderly couple (witch and Dracula), who are laughing while feeding each other forkfuls of turkey.

MAN (off panel to left)
First off, my grandparents are vegan. That's factual error number one.

Panel 2
A medium close up of the bubble wrap man diligently typing on the typewriter looking smugly at it through his glasses.

MAN (off panel to right)
Secondly, my dad is on a typewriter, which I don't think he's ever used in his whole life.

Panel 3
A medium close up of the knight banging a fork into his helmet's visor. To his right (our left) is the empty chair and the clown can be seen behind it dancing foolishly.

MAN (off panel to right)
My brother and sister haven't been in the same room with one another in a decade.

Panel 4
A medium close up of the mom smiling deviously as she rears back to spank the bent over tuxedo wearing monkey on its butt. The monkey is pointing casually at an off panel dish across the table.

MAN (off panel to left)
And why is my mom spanking a monkey...which oddly enough is wearing a tuxedo similar to mine.

MONKEY
Could someone pass the creamed corn?

Panel 5
A head on shot of the man, who still looks perplexed, and the guide, who is now dressed like a Muslim imam. The guide is shrugging his shoulders with his arms up in the air.

GUIDE
Don't look at me. I'm not the one with the perverted Oedipus complex.



Page 5 (6 panels)

Panel 1
An over the shoulder shot of both the guide (still dressed like an imam) and the man, with one on either side of the panel. In between them we see they are both focused in on the bride, now wearing a frowning tragedy mask, as she reaches for a big bowl sitting on the table.

GUIDE
But I do find it interesting how you left someone out.

MAN
Who is that?

GUIDE
You're asking the wrong question. It doesn't matter who she is. What matters is why she's here.

Panel 2
A medium side shot of the man and his guide, now dressed as a crazy voodoo witch doctor with a gigantic staff, face paint, headdress and a bone through his nose. The man has his hands on his head with his eyes wide in revelation as if he just realized something. The guide is angled slightly towards the man with a smirking look.

MAN
That's right! I'm getting married tomorrow!

GUIDE
Is someone having a little pre-wedding jitters?

Panel 3
An overhead shot of the dining table (and the family continuing to do their own crazy things), with both ends of the table (which includes the bride) off panel.

MAN (tailless off panel balloon)
Of course. I mean, just look at my family. They can't even have a simple dinner without being crazy.

GUIDE (tailless off panel balloon)
You're focusing on the wrong part. It's not that your family is crazy...

Panel 4
A head on shot of the bride, now with a smiling comedy mask on, dumping a big bowl of food (a combo of stuffing and mac and cheese would be nice) on her head. She is holding the bowl upside down over her head with both hands, as the food is both falling out and already covering her head and shoulders.

GUIDE (tailless off panel balloon.)
...it's that she's right there crazy with them.

Panel 5
A medium close up, head on shot of the man smiling. The guide, now dressed identical to the man in a tuxedo, has his hand on the man's shoulder and a proud expression on his face.

MAN
Yeah. I guess you're right.

GUIDE
Now, there's only one thing left to do.

Panel 6
A parallel shot to the opening panel of the comic. It is a close up side shot of the man’s head with his eyes closed and a blank expression on his face. The background is once again barely seen behind him, only now we can tell he has his head peacefully resting on a pillow as he sleeps during the night.

GUIDE (tailless off panel balloon)
Open your eyes.

Scribbly
10-19-2013, 10:36 AM
10/19/2013
Here you are, hope you like it. Enjoy.

Title: Monkey's business

PAGE 1

Panel 1
Splash panel.
Film Noir scene.
MARTY, middle twenties. One side nose piercing and goatee.
Dressed as detective in the forties. He wears tennis shoes.
Long raincoat and hat covering his eyes.
On his left hand he has a smoking Thompson gun machine.
The last shell is falling in the floor.
SFX: CLICK!

With his right arm Marty is grabbing a blonde girl for the waist.
The girl is CANDY STARK, the movie star, dressed as girl in the forties.
Small hat and coat. Skirt, panty hose and heels.

Two or three gangsters are dying around in the floor. We can only see their legs.
Guns and bullet shells are spread in the floor.
Marty still pointing his gun at the dying gangsters
The blonde girl is grabbing Marty by the arm. She's very exited.
CANDY
Marty...

Panel 2
Close up

CANDY
Oh Marty, you are the best!
At the bottom right of the panel, we can see an intermittent sound that is going
across the next 2 panels
SFX: BEEP-BEEP-

Panel 3
Close up.
The girl is kissing Marty.
Sound increasing
SFX: BEEEEP- BEEEEEP-

Panel 4
Interior bedroom. Dark. Night table. Clock at 4.00 AM.
Hand in top of alarm clock stopping the alarm.
SFX: BEEP-BEE...

MARTY (voice in off)
OMG! I'm late!

Panel 5
Marty half dressed is running in building's corridor towards camera.
He's getting dressed in the way. Checking a walkie -talkie on his waist belt.
MARTY
I'm late, I'm late, batteries... I'm late!


PAGE 2

Panel 1
EXTERIOR -DAY.DAWN- HIGHWAY.
We see Marty nervous inside his car (Honda crx ) stuck in middle of a huge traffic jam
in the highway.

His smartphone is ringing.
PHONE SFX: Ding-Dong. Ding-Dong.
MARTY
Come on people, move!

Panel 2
Close up of Marty. His face in a streak of panic. Somebody is yelling at him in the smartphone.
PHONE
Marty! Where are you now? Our big guy is asking for you!

Panel 3
Marty is jumping off the car by the sunroof in a skateboard. Bike helmet on.
Cell phone on hand. Running towards camera.
MARTY
I'm coming. Now!

Panel 4
Marty is running on his skateboard. (like flash)
He's leaving a Starbucks coffee shop. He's carrying a four stack of coffee cups.
SFX: ZOOOM

Panel 5
Wide screen panel.
Interior TV studio. Cooking show set. Cameras.
We see Marty in the background leaving coffee cups in the hands of each member of the crew.
We see them as black silhouettes in the foreground. Camera. Boom. Director.
Marty is running like jet on skateboard across the scene, going off panel.

Marty leaves the last cup of coffee in the hands of the director, who's sitting in his director's chair.

SFX: ZOOOM

MARTY
(three connected balloons)
...venti lattemocha peppermint...
...grande expressococconut cream...
...trenta machiattostrawberry decaff.

SFX: zip-zip-zip

VOICE IN OFF (coming for the right)
Martyy!


PAGE 3

Panel 1
Brenda, adorable production secretary, gives Marty a big list of things to do.
She's young, petite and cute. She wears headsets. Reading a clipboard.
She handles a big script to Marty. Marty still wearing the bike helmet.
BRENDA
Bla,bla,bla, here's the script, we'll need 50 copies...
also her pet...

Panel 2
Marty is leaving the panel towards the right.
Zoom and smokes behind him. Brenda still talking.
BRENDA
Bla,bla, copy that?
SFX: Zoom!

Panel 3
Marty in front of a big trailer. Without helmet.
In the door steps is CANDY STARK, the blonde we saw in the first panels on page one.
She's wearing a robe and is handling her pet to Marty.
The pet is a capuchin monkey. The monkey wears a big rapper cap and sleeveless
T-shirt.
CANDY
Oh Toto, my sweetie. You'll be a good boy. OK?

Panel 4
Close up to Candy. The monkey is already around Marty's head and neck
CANDY.
Please, be gentle with him. He's very sensitive.
MARTY
No worries Miss Stark. Hi Toto. I'll get you this guy back on time for your lunch.

Panel 5
Marty and Toto at the copier room.
Marty is checking the copier. Lead open.
Toto in a table nearby is grabbing the script and tearing off some pages.
Toto is smiling, looking at Marty.

CAPTION: LATER...

MARTY
Toner, OK. Paper, OK. Hmm.
SFX: Riiip.

Panel 6
We see Toto already in the hallway leaving the door, running away, carrying the mauled script.
Marty in off ,yelling.
MARTY (off):
Hey!!


PAGE 4

Panel 1
Marty running along the hallway chasing Toto. Going left to right.
At the end of the hallway we see the TV studio entrance doors are closed.
In the door we read STAGE 3.
Over the door, a red signal. ON AIR.

MARTY
Toto! Come on here!
TOTO Yik!

Panel 2
Inside studio. Cameras rolling. Cooking class set. Kitchen counter with pots and pans.
The cook is holding a corn on the cub showing it to the audience.
COOK
And now, our recipe for a delicious creamed corn soup!

Panel 3
Close up to the cook.
Toto jumps in scene taking the corn from the hands of the surprised cook.
Going right to left.
COOK: What?

Panel 4
Marty running across the scene. In front of the kitchen counter. Eager to catch Toto.
MARTY
I got you, monk...

Panel 5 (Continuation)
A flying corn on the cub coming into panel and going straight to hit Marty's head.
Marty looking at the arriving corn.
MARTY
...key!

Panel 6
Black. stars. Crashes.
SFX: TUDD!
SFX: CRASH! CLANK!


PAGE 5

Panel 1
Wide panel
Blurry silhouettes of the TV crew surrounding and looking down to Marty in the floor.
Everybody wears headsets.
P.O.V from Marty's eyes.

VOICE: Marty, are you OK bro?
VOICE: Call 911!
MARTY (off) : Ugh. Where... duhd?

Panel 2
Close up to Marty's face. His eyes are half open. He's in the floor.

MARTY
Who...what else do you want guys?

Panel 3
Wide panel
P.O.V from Marty's eyes.
Same shot as panel 1.
This time we can see the faces of the crew. They hare vampires.
Showing their vampire fangs ready to bit Marty.

CREW: Don't you know Marty? We want your blood!

A beeping sound start in the bottom right side of the panel
SFX: BEEP-BEEP.

Panel 4
Same shot as panel 2.
Marty opening his eyes wide. Screaming.

MARTY
NOOOO!
The sound is increasing.
SFX: BEEP-BEEP-BEEEEEEEP.
SFX

Panel 5
Vertical panel
Marty's hands stopping the alarm clock. Sound stop.
MARTY
Oh my good, I'm late.
SFX: BEEEP-BEEE...

Panel 6
Vertical panel
Marty running for his building's hallway half dressed.
Checking walkie -talkie on his waist belt.

MARTY
I'm late. Batteries...O.K., I'm late!

Panel 7
Vertical panel.
DAY.DAWN.
Marty inside car. Jammed transit.
Voice yelling at him off panel. Caption at bottom of panel.

VOICE OFF: Marty! What's your 20?
CAPTION:
It's another great day in the life of Marty.
P.A. extraordinary!

END.




.

Steven Forbes
10-20-2013, 03:54 PM
Okay!

Fewer entrants this week, but that's okay. These entries were fun to read!

So, from here, we discuss the scripts, and we vote in the poll.

Thanks for participating, folks! I liked 'em!

JerryREX
10-23-2013, 12:04 AM
Nice job all.

LaPorte, I need to applaud you for the the creamed corn scene. It's memorable, and the monkeys felt organic. :thumbs:

Paul LaPorte
10-23-2013, 12:46 AM
Nice job all.

LaPorte, I need to applaud you for the the creamed corn scene. It's memorable, and the monkeys felt organic. :thumbs:

Thank you, sir.

Scribbly
10-26-2013, 09:05 AM
More than 500 views and only 7 voters. No bad.

Steven Forbes
11-12-2013, 08:54 PM
Hey, writers!

Would any of you be interested in submitting these scripts to The Proving Grounds for editing?

I suggest looking it over first (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) to see if it's for you, and then reading the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/).

If you want to get it seen quickly, I suggest doing so now. The line is very, very low at present, and it is first come, first served.

(Yes, here, too!)

Hope to see you there!

Paul LaPorte
11-14-2013, 10:39 AM
Hey, writers!

Would any of you be interested in submitting these scripts to The Proving Grounds for editing?

I suggest looking it over first (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) to see if it's for you, and then reading the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/).

If you want to get it seen quickly, I suggest doing so now. The line is very, very low at present, and it is first come, first served.

(Yes, here, too!)

Hope to see you there!



Screw it. I'll take the beating. I'm submitting mine now.