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View Full Version : Writing Challenge--Ends on 10/5


Steven Forbes
09-29-2013, 04:25 AM
Okay, folks!

Post your scripts here, discuss the scripts here, do any critiques of scripts here. I'll post a poll for all posted scripts near the end of the week.

Have fun!

Bishop
09-29-2013, 11:51 AM
Okay, folks!

Post your scripts here, discuss the scripts here, do any critiques of scripts here. I'll post a poll for all posted scripts near the end of the week.

Have fun!

Any guidelines for length, etc?

Steven Forbes
09-29-2013, 12:36 PM
It's in the other thread entitled Writing Challenge.

Aaron Walther
09-30-2013, 01:09 AM
I'm not going to have a lot of time later this week, so I'm going to just jump into this right away. I tried to do a few things differently than I normally do them. Firstly, rather than an action sequence, I opted to do an intimate scene between two characters more reminiscent of a slice of life comic. Secondly, I decided to make repeated use of the dreaded thought bubble. Thirdly, I used lots of swearing, but in the interest of board rules, I censored it. Buckle in, because there's lots of dialog and internal monologues in these four pages. Enjoy.

I WANNA GET IN YOUR PANTS

PAGE ONE – FULL PAGE
High angle view of a small town park. It is mid afternoon. The park is small and surrounds a tiny pond. There is a playground and picnic areas on far side of the pond. A quaint walkway winds around the pond. The whole route can be walked in less than thirty minutes. Preston and Kendra, two young white kids in their early 20’s, are walking side by side under a canopy of trees. Preston is a tall, lanky hipster like fellow. He wears a black suit and tie, as well as a wide brimmed fedora. His sleeves are casually rolled up and his tie is loose and sloppy. He tries very hard to look this casual. Kendra is a blonde, cheerful girl with shoulder length hair. She’s also pretty casual looking, jeans and a low cut shirt. The one thing that stands out on her is that her septum is pierced, giving her just a bit of an edge on the otherwise suburban outfit. There is a lot of ambiguous dialog on this page as we jump into the middle of a conversation with Preston and Kendra. It’s a very “first date” conversation, where the characters are learning about each other. Preston and Kendra’s back and forth dialog should start at the top of the page and meander through the scenery until the final word bubbles meet up with the figures at the bottom. There should also be a credits box where the title “I Wanna Get In Your Pants” can be displayed in a font reminiscent of the logo for the band The Cramps.

KENDRA
So, Pez tells me that you play guitar?

PRESTON
Yeah, I’m in a band, and if that doesn’t impress you, I can do a handstand.

KENDRA
Haha, the guitar is definitely more impressive. Are you any good?

PRESTON
Well, I’m good enough to be in a band, so no, not very good.

KENDRA
I’m sure you’re better than me. My sister gave me a guitar three years ago and I haven’t taken a single lesson.

PRESTON
Heh. That’s too bad. The world needs more music in it.

KENDRA
It’s really nice out today.

PRESTON
Yeah, this walk was a good idea.

PAGE 02 – THREE PANELS
01
We are now in a flashback, inside the restaurant where Preston and Kendra both work. This panel is a profile view of the restaurant’s front counter. There is not much of interest in the background, perhaps a menu and a sign that reads “Bert’s” but it’s inconsequential as it will likely be covered by dialog. Preston stands casually on the left. Kendra on the right. Between the two of them is Pez, a small Korean girl, and the register she is working at. They are all wearing their work uniforms, polo shirts and slacks and hats/visors. Pez is annoyed to be in between Preston and Kendra’s flirting.

CAPTION
Earlier that day.

PRESTON
Man, I just feel so lazy today.

KENDRA
Me too. I haven’t gone running in weeks. Hey, after work we should go down to Woodland Park and take a walk around the new hike trail.

PRESTON
I’d love to. I need to get some exercise.

PEZ THOUGHT BUBBLE
God, get a room you two.

02
Focus on Preston. He’s kind of nervous and stupid, but trying to play it cool.

PRESTON
So, Kendra, how long have you worked for Bert, two months right?

PRESTON THOUGHT BUBBLE
Stupid #### question. You’re never even going to kiss this girl at the rate you’re going. Don’t be such a #### #### and make a move already!

03
Focus on Kendra. She looks radiant. We are seeing her through Preston’s glorified lens. She prattles on about her school life and work life, but her text is covered up by Preston’s intensifying thought bubble, which we can carry over from the previous panel. Preston’s thoughts are becoming overbearing and invasive to the very comic itself.

KENDRA
Yeah. I needed to make some cash to pay for my text books for college. It’s so bogus the way…

PRESTON
God, she’s so hot. She has to be into me. Why the hell else would she want to hang out with me all the time? I should just grab her by the shoulder and #### kiss her, right now. That’s what girls want, they want you to just #### do it! Right? Is she flirting with me? I don’t #### know any more. Maybe she’s just really nice. #### me, how can you tell?

PAGE 03 – FOUR PANELS
01
We are back in the present day. Kendra and Preston continue their walk and talk through the park.

KENDRA
This is really great. You’re so much more fun to be around than everybody else at work. They’re all such immature jerks, but you’re such a nice guy. And smart and stuff.

PRESTON THOUGHT BUBBLE
Okay, this has to be flirting.

02
Preston keeps his cool and flashes a charming smile.

PRESTON
Well, it takes a certain mental dexterity to be able to recognize my sheer awesomeness. The very fact that you do proves that you’re no jelly brain, either.

KENDRA
Oh that reminds me, I read this thing the other day, apparently drinking energy drinks increases your sex drive by like, 15% or something. Isn’t that crazy?

PRESTON
I guess, I should start drinking more energy drinks then.

PRESTON THOUGHT BUBBLE
What the #### does that even mean?! Why did you say that!?

03
Kendra’s phone rings. She diverts her attention away from Preston to dig it out of her purse.

KENDRA
Haha, you and me both. Oh, that’s my phone, hang on.

PRESTON THOUGHT BUBBLE
O-####-kay. No more #### around. That is a #### damn sign, you ####! As soon as she puts the phone away, put your arm around her and kiss her. This is #### happening.

04
Kendra talks on her phone. Preston is horrified at what he thinks he is hearing.

KENDRA
Hey you. Yeah. No, we’re at the park. Preston, from work. We were both talking about how we don’t get any exercise so we decided to go for a walk. Uch, don’t be stupid. Of course not. Fine, okay. I’ll talk to you later. Love, ya.

PAGE 04 – FULL PAGE
Kendra hangs up the phone and announces that it was her boyfriend. A torrent of self loathing hatred surrounds Preston. Despite his best efforts, his smile cracks. Kendra doesn’t seem to notice his loss of composure and continues with the conversation as if nothing has happened. Preston still tries to wear a casual smile on his face, but we, the readers, can see that Preston is devastated and defeated.

KENDRA
Uhg, that was my boyfriend. He’s so paranoid.

KENDRA
So, what was I saying? Oh yeah, next time we hang out you should bring your guitar. I’d love to hear you play. Maybe you can give me a lesson.

PRESTON
Yeah, sure, sounds great. I’ve love to.

PRESTON THOUGHT BUBBLE
####. My. Life.

THE END

DarkOra
09-30-2013, 01:07 PM
I WANNA GET IN YOUR PANTS

Be wary of how much room dialogue takes on a physical comic book page. A standard mass market paperback novel is usually 250 words per page at a readable font and is about 40% the size of a standard comic book page. Given you have approximately 185 words of dialogue in Page 2, you're looking at covering 30% of the page with dialogue (at a readable font size) and about another 10-15% for the word balloons/thought balloons (which take up more space)/caption boxes surrounding the words. With bleed/trim and panel borders/gutters for the page layout, this would probably wind up taking up two-thirds of the entire page. That's not leaving either the artist or letterer much room to work with.

Comic books are a team effort... please consider the whole team when writing your script.

Scribbly
09-30-2013, 11:28 PM
I'm not going to have a lot of time later this week, so I'm going to just jump into this right away. I tried to do a few things differently than I normally do them. Firstly, rather than an action sequence, I opted to do an intimate scene between two characters more reminiscent of a slice of life comic. Secondly, I decided to make repeated use of the dreaded thought bubble. Thirdly, I used lots of swearing, but in the interest of board rules, I censored it. Buckle in, because there's lots of dialog and internal monologues in these four pages. Enjoy.

I WANNA GET IN YOUR PANTS



Did you show this same script already in these forums?
Or is this a modified version?
I seem to remember this title of yours.

Aaron Walther
10-01-2013, 12:16 AM
Be wary of how much room dialogue takes on a physical comic book page. A standard mass market paperback novel is usually 250 words per page at a readable font and is about 40% the size of a standard comic book page. Given you have approximately 185 words of dialogue in Page 2, you're looking at covering 30% of the page with dialogue (at a readable font size) and about another 10-15% for the word balloons/thought balloons (which take up more space)/caption boxes surrounding the words. With bleed/trim and panel borders/gutters for the page layout, this would probably wind up taking up two-thirds of the entire page. That's not leaving either the artist or letterer much room to work with.

Comic books are a team effort... please consider the whole team when writing your script.
Hi Jeffrey, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I understand that there is a lot of text on page 02, but I must respectfully disagree with your assessment that the text would take up 2/3rds of the page. That seems to be quite an exaggeration. I would estimate that it would be closer to half the page, which is still a lot to be sure, but if three talking head panels on a single page isn't enough to accommodate the artist and letterer, then I don't know what would. Some of the idiosyncratic dialog could be edited around, but I don't think there's anything inconsiderate in the proposed layout of this script.

Did you show this same script already in these forums?
Or is this a modified version?
I seem to remember this title of yours.
Hi, Scribbly. No, I have not shown this script on this forum or anywhere else. This was a script that I briefly started then immediately abandoned a few months ago. I revived it for the challenge because it fit the criteria and because my schedule for this week simply will not afford me time to both write and read/comment on other scripts.

DarkOra
10-01-2013, 02:29 AM
Hi Jeffrey, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I understand that there is a lot of text on page 02, but I must respectfully disagree with your assessment that the text would take up 2/3rds of the page. That seems to be quite an exaggeration. I would estimate that it would be closer to half the page...
My initial numbers were about half the page as well, but I upped the total to allow for the last thought balloon(s)--40% of all the dialogue on the page. If it's lettered with increasing font sizes for each sentence (each split into its own thought balloon) to give it an "overbearing" and running out of control flair to it, it'll take up a lot more space. Even if it's overlapping her dialogue and stepping all over itself, that last bit of dialogue will easily eat up twice as much room in an effort to capture that rising chaotic emotion described in the panel while still maintaining most of the legibility.

Yes, a letterer could ignore all that and push it out with all the same size font and be done with it (and many normal letterers would). But good letterers are artists too and it helps to leave them room to work their magic as well. It can mean the difference between "oh look, he's thinking a bunch of stuff" and "wow, look at all that chaotic turmoil running through his head!"

Scribbly
10-01-2013, 02:45 AM
Hi, Scribbly. No, I have not shown this script on this forum or anywhere else. This was a script that I briefly started then immediately abandoned a few months ago. I revived it for the challenge because it fit the criteria and because my schedule for this week simply will not afford me time to both write and read/comment on other scripts.

Yeah, but still, your title sounds very familiar to me.
Maybe I remember it from here? The cramps song?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvEdfz7GXsk

Aaron Walther
10-01-2013, 04:10 AM
Yes, a letterer could ignore all that and push it out with all the same size font and be done with it (and many normal letterers would). But good letterers are artists too and it helps to leave them room to work their magic as well. It can mean the difference between "oh look, he's thinking a bunch of stuff" and "wow, look at all that chaotic turmoil running through his head!"
Agreed, but I still think there's plenty of room on the page for that much text, being that there's no action in the art itself. The text, and therefore the letterer, would be driving the action, so I'd say allotting a sizable portion of page space to the letter for the final panel would be appropriate. I could/should have expressly described that in the script, and I didn't really think about it until you brought it up. Thank you for helping me think about it.

Yeah, but still, your title sounds very familiar to me.
Maybe I remember it from here? The cramps song?
Yes, you are thinking of The Cramps song of the same name. I implied, though did not openly state, that the title was taken from that band. Preston also quotes an approximation of the lyrics in his dialog.

Mr.P.Phlegming
10-01-2013, 02:23 PM
We should have other guidelines i.e. a subject or concept to adhere to in the subsequent challenges. In the "before times" that's how I remember it being done. for example you'd have to re-imagine a fairy tale or something. This way we have a sort of litmus to judge each work to come up with a clear cut winner.

just a suggestion.

Steven Forbes
10-01-2013, 06:16 PM
We should have other guidelines i.e. a subject or concept to adhere to in the subsequent challenges. In the "before times" that's how I remember it being done. for example you'd have to re-imagine a fairy tale or something. This way we have a sort of litmus to judge each work to come up with a clear cut winner.

just a suggestion.

That will be in other challenges. It's in the other thread that started this one. :)

Duane Korslund
10-02-2013, 10:19 AM
In-Vasion


PAGE 1

Panel 1: Med Shot of a ceiling. A ceiling fan spins on high speed.

SFX:
whoop whoop whoop


Panel 2: Wide shot, looking down from the ceiling. Now we’re looking at COLWIN lying in bed. He’s staring up at the ceiling blankly, as if in a trance. His bed is very plain. Plain white comforter, plain sheets, plain pillowcases. The comforter is pulled up, covering his waist, he is bare chested. The rest of his apartment in the shot is also very plain, a nightstand with an alarm clock in it, nothing more. The surroundings are very sterile. COLWIN is in his late 20’s with shaggy dark hair, no facial hair, medium build.

COLWIN GARETT CAPTION:
They are coming.



PAGE 2

Panel 1: Med shot, pair of feet walking towards the bathroom.

COLWIN CAPTION:
They told me they were coming exactly one year ago today. They said I was to facilitate their integration into our society.

COLWIN CAPTION 2:
Such a big responsibility. To think, I was merely a Kindergarten teacher back then.

Panel 2: Colwin inspects his face in front of the mirror. We see from this close up that its a little stubbled. He needs to shave.

COLWIN:
It’s a big day, I must look my best.

Panel 3: COLWIN opens the medicine cabinet and reaches for his razor...in the medicine cabinet we see a bunch of different pill bottles with different prescriptions. i.e. Xanex, Diazapam, Effexor, etc.

COLWIN CAPTION:
They require courage to be their emissary.

Panel 4: COLWIN looks at himself in the mirror dully as he shoots a handful of shaving cream into his hand.

Panel 5: COLWIN cuts himself on his neck, blood is trickling down his throat.

COLWIN CAPTION:
Well, courage I have.

COLWIN:
Gah...

Panel 6: a large drop of blood drops down towards the counter

COLWIN CAPTION:
I can do this

Panel 7: The drop of blood hits the counter and spreads out in a spider-webby-type pattern.

COLWIN CAPTION:
Pray to thee, accept my sacrifice.




PAGE 3:

Panel 1: Med shot. COLWIN is now sitting on his bed pulling a pair of dark slacks over his legs.

COLWIN CAPTION:
Yessir, big day. I can already hear their voices reaching out to me. My work is about to begin.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1:
Colwin….

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2:
It is time.

Panel 2: Med shot. COLWIN is shrugging into his shirt.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1:
We are ready.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2:
Are you prepared?

Panel 3: Close shot: COLWIN is adjusting the knot on his now tied tie.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1:
Let your world know…

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2:
We are coming…

Panel 4: Wide Shot. ¾ birds eye. COLWIN is now sitting on the edge of his bed next to the nightstand. He is hunched over, his shirt sleeves are rolled up...his back is to us.

COLWIN CAPTION:
It's time.



PAGE 4: Make “We are coming” balloons more bold and “frantic” with each panel.

Panel 1: Close shot, hand reaching for nightstand drawer.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 3
We are coming!

Panel 2: Close shot, drawer is open, we see a single syringe with the label “SK 17” on it.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 3
We are coming!


Panel 3: COLWIN holds the syringe up to eye level, inspecting it.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 3
We are coming!

Panel 4: Med shot from behind, still sitting same position and place on the bed, COLWIN injects himself.

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 1
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 2
We are coming!

SMALL DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON 3
We are coming!




PAGE 5:

Panel 1: COLWIN is laying on his bed, eyes fixed at the ceiling. He looks dead. The syringe is lying at his side.


LARGE DISEMBODIED VOICE BALLOON
We are here!!!!

DarkOra
10-03-2013, 01:39 AM
In-Vasion

Visualize with me for a second. You wander into a comic book shop passing by hundreds of comics. For some strange reason... maybe cool cover artwork or the "In-Vasion" title calls out to you (I know it's only a 5-page story so keep the imagination churning here)... you decide to pick up this comic. You flip to the first page...

You see a panel of a ceiling fan trying to sound like Arsenio Hall.

Your eyes move down to a giant panel of a guy who can't even summon the motivation to get out of bed while thinking "They are coming."

What's the motivation to turn the page in this comic? Why would someone give it more than a page of their time? It'd have to be a pretty damn awesome-looking ceiling fan to make a reader turn the page because there's not much from the character to convince us the page turn would be worthwhile.

Maybe the dialogue catches the attention of a reader or two but the line feels ambiguous. "They are coming." Is he in a hotel or apartment with a loud, amorous couple on the other side of the wall? Parents coming for a visit? Friends? Coworkers? Zombies? Police? Ambulance? Mob with torches? Could be any number of reasons... some exciting and most not. Someone's subconscious playing the odds might not risk disappointment in a situation like this because you haven't given any other indications on this page that something exciting or cool or dramatic or strange or mysterious is around the corner.

On top of that, you establish no connection to the character whatsoever... even if the "They" coming turns out to be dangerous/sinister/enlightening, why would a reader even care about this character? (note: "'cause it's a comic book" is not a valid answer here)

Now, if you'd started the comic with page 2 as your first page... it invites us into the character's head. Everyday man, going through the motions of his morning routine while mentally bragging about his pharmacy-fueled courage and sounding a little psycho. The dialogue could use a little punching up for better impact, but you at least have much more to latch on to here. That gives you more opportunities to catch a reader's eye.

The first few pages make or break most comic books... and the shorter the story, the more valuable each page becomes. That first page should close the deal or be strong enough to drag the reader deep enough into your story to give it a couple more pages before making a decision--put it back on the shelf or take it to the counter.

Duane Korslund
10-03-2013, 09:08 AM
Visualize with me for a second. You wander into a comic book shop passing by hundreds of comics. For some strange reason... maybe cool cover artwork or the "In-Vasion" title calls out to you (I know it's only a 5-page story so keep the imagination churning here)... you decide to pick up this comic. You flip to the first page...

You see a panel of a ceiling fan trying to sound like Arsenio Hall.

Your eyes move down to a giant panel of a guy who can't even summon the motivation to get out of bed while thinking "They are coming."

What's the motivation to turn the page in this comic? Why would someone give it more than a page of their time? It'd have to be a pretty damn awesome-looking ceiling fan to make a reader turn the page because there's not much from the character to convince us the page turn would be worthwhile.

Maybe the dialogue catches the attention of a reader or two but the line feels ambiguous. "They are coming." Is he in a hotel or apartment with a loud, amorous couple on the other side of the wall? Parents coming for a visit? Friends? Coworkers? Zombies? Police? Ambulance? Mob with torches? Could be any number of reasons... some exciting and most not. Someone's subconscious playing the odds might not risk disappointment in a situation like this because you haven't given any other indications on this page that something exciting or cool or dramatic or strange or mysterious is around the corner.

On top of that, you establish no connection to the character whatsoever... even if the "They" coming turns out to be dangerous/sinister/enlightening, why would a reader even care about this character? (note: "'cause it's a comic book" is not a valid answer here)

Now, if you'd started the comic with page 2 as your first page... it invites us into the character's head. Everyday man, going through the motions of his morning routine while mentally bragging about his pharmacy-fueled courage and sounding a little psycho. The dialogue could use a little punching up for better impact, but you at least have much more to latch on to here. That gives you more opportunities to catch a reader's eye.

The first few pages make or break most comic books... and the shorter the story, the more valuable each page becomes. That first page should close the deal or be strong enough to drag the reader deep enough into your story to give it a couple more pages before making a decision--put it back on the shelf or take it to the counter.


Thanks for the notes!!! :)

scrappy
10-03-2013, 09:36 PM
Autumn Twilight (5 pages)

Page 1 (5 panels)

Panel 1
Its the middle of a late autumn day. We start with a high establishing shot of a small, traditional log cabin in the middle of a hilly wooded area, the American frontier. Just on the cusp of winter, the majority of the trees' leaves have already fallen and the few that remain on their branches glitter the scene with a wide variety a reds and oranges. The house rests at the peak of a hill, and a small stream can be seen flowing in the background at the bottom.

SON/CAPTION BUBBLE
Hey, ma. I'm goin' to throw another log under the pot.

MOTHER/CAPTION BUBBLE
Just hurry back inside. The chill’s comin' through.

Panel 2
A shot looking directly at the front of the cabin as the thirteen year old SON walks out the door. Ready for the winter, the boy is dressed like a typical frontiersmen with buckskin jacket and pants.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 3
A head on shot of the boy as he reaches down and grabs with one head an already chopped log from a stack. In his other arm he is clutching several of the copped logs to his chest, and behind him we can see an outdoor cooking station. The station consists of a large black pot hanging from several makeshift tree branches above a burning fire pit.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 4
A side shot of the boy, now crouching in front of the pot as he throws a log on the fire. In the background, the silhouette of a DRIFTER can be seen approaching him through the trees.

NO DIALOGUE

Panel 5
Same camera position/angle as the previous panel, except now the boy's head is turned and looking at the drifter as he stands leaning on a tree before the boy. The drifter, smiling deviously, looks like the epitome of a wandering degenerate from the wild west. His clothes are tattered, his hair is wild and his slightly smirking face is covered in dirt and grime.

DRIFTER
Hiya, kiddo. Watcha cookin'?



Page 2 (4 panels)

Panel 1
A shot of the front of the cabin as the MOTHER walks through the front door. She is wearing a casual dress from the time period with a dirty cooking apron. Her head is looking down as she is busy wiping off her hands with the apron as she walks.

MOTHER
Honey, what's takin' ya so long? I don't want ya catchin' a...

DRIFTER (off panel)
Hey, darlin’.

Panel 2
An over the shoulder shot of the mother looking at the drifter. The side of her face can be seen with a shocked expression. Standing in front of her with a smug expression is the drifter. He is next to the pot and has his arm firmly around the boy's shoulder in a subtly threatening matter. The boy looks like he's trying his best to hide his fear.

MOTHER
Wha...what do ya want?

DRIFTER
Well, I've been travellin' quite a ways, ya see. And I could sure use a fresh cooked meal.

Panel 3
Side shot of the scene. The drifter stands on one side of the panel still holding the boy. The mother stands on the opposite side now holding her hands to her chest with the apron as if the sudden sight of the drifter gave her a fright.

DRIFTER
Care to offer a humble guest some of this fine smellin' stew?

MOTHER
Please. That food needs to last us 'till winter. We don't have enough to...

Panel 4
A medium shot of the drifter smiling deviously with his arm around the boy's head and stroking the boy's chin, who now has a concerned look of fear.

DRIFTER
Oh, don't be silly, ma'am. I'm sure you can spare a bit.



Page 3 (5 panels)

Panel 1
An angled side shot of the drifter sitting on a tree stump and eating, hunched over a small metal bowl he holds in one hand. He has a pleasant smile on his face as he brings a filled spoon to his mouth with his other hand. Sitting next to him (in the background of the shot) the mother has her arm around her son, keeping him close as if to protect him. Both the mother and the son have a look of worry on their faces.

DRIFTER
Mmm mmm. This some good eatin'.

DRIFTER
Must be hard. Ya’ll two out here alone. All winter long.

Panel 2
Close up of the mother's somber face looking down from depressing grief. The boy, still clutched in her arm, can be seen looking up at his mother with concern.

MOTHER
Well, the boy's father caught a bad stretch of sickness a while back. Left us to fend for ourselves these past couple seasons.

Panel 3
A wide shot from behind all three of them looking out over the entire area, which consists of them sitting around the pot/fire pit, the log cabin and several clothes lines in the distance.

DRIFTER
Well give yourselves some credit. Ya'll seem to be doin' all right here. But still...

Panel 4
A straight on shot of the drifter sitting on one side of the panel and the mother sitting on the other. Still holding the bowl in one hand (with the spoon inside), the drifter is reaching over and placing his other hand on the mother's leg with a creepy smile. She is slightly leaning in the opposite direction to get away from him while still clutching the son in her arm.

DRIFTER
Makin' it through the winter's always easier with a man around.

Panel 5
A shot to the side of the drifter as he leans forward to look at the boy sitting on the opposite side of his mother (technically the shot is from the drifter's POV behind his head as his neck is now turned to actually see the child). The fearful boy is leaning into his mother's side. The shot is low and close enough so that the mother's head is off panel.

DRIFTER
Ain't that right, boy?



Page 4 (5 panels)

Panel 1
A head on shot of the drifter standing up. The bowl is still in his hand while the mother and son still remain seated. The brewing pot is in the foreground with a big ladle handle sticking out the top

DRIFTER
Well, my stomach's still a rubblin'. Ya'll wouldn't mind if I helped myself to some more, would ya?

MOTHER
Please. Don't take anymore. We need it.

DRIFTER
Oh, I know. Believe me, I do.

Panel 2
A medium, side shot of the drifter as he approaches the pot.

DRIFTER
I mean, just look at me. I'm practically the poster child for survival. Which, unfortunately for ya’ll, means taking what I have to.

Panel 3
A shot directly above the pot looking down on top of it, with a bubbly stew brewing inside, as the drifter stirs with the ladle.

DRIFTER
And without a strong hunter around, I'm surprised ya’ll have any meat at all.

Panel 4
A medium, head on close up of the drifter reaching into the pot with the ladle, eagerly about to scoop up its bubbling contents, which can be seen over the pot's rim. Behind him, an outline of the woman can be seen approaching.

DRIFTER
I’m sure this is some small game. Probably rabbit, am I right?

MOTHER
Actually...

Panel 5
Same position/angle as previous panel. The drifter has now just scooped up the stew and has a shocked expression on his face as he looks at a severed human foot resting on top of the ladle. Behind him, the woman is now closer and holds a thick tree branch ready to strike.

MOTHER
...you'd be surprised what cattle comes our way.



Page 5 (4 panels)

Panel 1
Large panel at top of page. A close up of the drifter getting hit over the head by the woman swinging the log.

SFX
Wack!

Panel 2
This is the first of a three panel sequence all positioned/angled the same way. This is a head on shot showing the drifter lying on his stomach in the colorful leaves littering the floor. His face shows him dazed from the blow, which now has blood trickling down his head. Behind him, the mother and son can be seen grabbing onto each of the drifter’s legs. And further in the background, the cabin awaits with its front door firmly open.

MOTHER
I guess you're right, sir.

DRIFTER
Uhhh.

Panel 3
The “camera” is in the same position as the previous panel in relation to the cabin. We now see the mother and son physically pulling the drifter, who is a little more awake than in the previous panel, towards the cabin door.

MOTHER
Winter will be easier…

DRIFTER
Please...don't...

MOTHER
…now that a man's around.

Panel 4
With the “camera” still in the same position, we now see the door of the cabin slammed shut.

SFX
Slam!

DRIFTER (from through the closed door)
Nooo!

paul brian deberry
10-04-2013, 01:52 AM
SUNNY BASTARDS CREW
created by Big Pants!

PAGE ONE

1.1 EXPLOSION!! The silhouette of a person (a woman to be exact) is being propelled from the blast.

1.2 Pulled back. The woman (she's charred, clothes ripped, she skinny, well built, strong resemblance to Sarah Michelle Gellar.) lies on the ground. Her name. Sunny. Her body smoking. Chunks of debris are burning in the panel.

- FUCK!

1.3 BLACK, LONG PANEL FOR TITLE.

1.4 Change our view. Now we are on another figure. A silhouette of a man. Much bigger.

- Well played Princess.

1.5 The Man. Has our hero girl in his massive hands. He's shirtless. Bodybuilder physique. Looks a lot like Michael Duncan Clarke.

- Sacrificing all those innocents.

- They weren't innocent.

1.6 The Man. We shall call him Clyde. Throws our Hero.

- Of course you're right. I underestimated you and your -

PAGE TWO

2.1 Full Page. Front to back. Kinda one of those classic team hero images. Foreground. Clyde is standing a few feet from our Hero. Background. Smoke, a burning bus and four figures. Left to right. Figure one. Alfonso or Fonz is an albino gorilla with a mechanical contraption on his back. With tubes and wires that go to his head, mouth, ears and nose. Figure two. She is floating in the air. Strapped to her back. Is a jetpack. The pack is very similar to Boba Fetts jet pack. She is much smaller than all of them. The pack looks weird on her small body. Her name Sage. She is bald, purple and has strange antenna poking out of her head. Figure three. Nickel. He’s standing closer to Clyde than the others. He’s taller than the group by a good couple feet. Taller than Clyde. He’s made of a shiny surface. Sharp edges, chin, forehead, elbows, knees, hands and feets. Then there is figure four. She looks out of place with these freaks. But there she is... Standing next to Nickel. She is wearing a headphones around her neck. Some sorta dub step music can be heard beating out of the headphones. Resting at her side is a skateboard. Her name. Midi. She is dressed like a delinquent skater girl.

They are here to kick Clyde’s ass!

- FRIENDS.

PAGE THREE

3.1 Nickel acts first and throws a powerhouse right hand at Clyde. However, Clyde is no chump and blocks the punch destroying Nickel hand.

3.2 Fonz leaps into the air at Clyde. Fonz massive fangs showing.

3.3 Clyde is ready and face plants Fonz into the pavement.

3.4 Midi acts next. She has her headphones and is skateboarding towards Clyde.

3.5 She get within a few feet and blast Clyde with a sonic scream. Clyde holds his ground but debris and other shit shatter around him.

3.6 Clyde backhands Midi.

PAGE FOUR

4.1 Sage is standing next to Sunny. Her hand on Sunny head. A strange glow, with dark dots, encompasses the area that Sage is touching.

- No sleeping on the job.
- Not sleeping just resting my eyes.

4.2 Clyde tosses and object at Sage.

- NOOOOO!!!

4.3 But Nickel shields her and breaks it just before it hits her.

- Thank you.

4.4 Clyde stands alone.

- Where are you Princess!?

4.5 A hand materialize out of Clyde chest.

- Right here!

PAGE FIVE

5.1 Fonz is holding his head. (first to talk) Sage floats in the air. She is holding Nickel hand. That strange glow, with the dark Kirby Krackle surrounds the area. Sage and Nickel are clearly in love.

- I don’t evah want to do that again.

- Let me fix that.

- UGH! Will you two get a room.

5.2 Sunny is alone. She surveying the damage they caused.

- That could have gone better.

(OFF PANEL) - I will admit. A little rough around the edges but not bad for a first adventure.

5.3 Sunny is no longer alone. Standing there, next to her, is an old lady. Really, super, super old. Like, how they hell is she still alive old. The two watch the others. Fonz is helping Midi look for something in the debris.

- The people in the building?

- I thought you didn’t care.

5.4 Sunny looks at the wrinkly, old woman. This is what Sunny is gonna look like in a few hundred years.

- Fear not deary. I was able to protect a majority of them. Somewhere not so lucky.

5.4 Sunny watches the old woman walk away into the smoke and fire.

- You must accept that you will not be able to protect them all or for that matter I will not always be around to protect you.

5.5 BLACK PANEL FOR CREDITS.

AthenaRose
10-05-2013, 04:21 AM
Aaron - really enjoyed this. Great sense of loss and longing from poor old Preston.

Kors - very creepy! Nice, ominous ending.

Scrappy - another great piece. The story builds well to the ending.

Paul - feels like the beginning of something much longer. I'd like to see more of this group of characters.

Scribbly
10-05-2013, 05:48 AM
Do we still on time?

THE SAVIOR

PAGE 1-
Panel 1
Long vertical panel-
Day-. Mangrove swamp. Eerie setting. Mist.
Darko, a barbarian knight is coming back home.
(Think of Jason Stantham or Vin Diesel.)
He rides a heavy black horse ( a Friesian horse) and is slowly coming toward us.
He looks tired and downcast but not defeated.
We can see his face is unshaved.
He has full barbarian armor and a big engraved sword is hanging on his back.
A kite shield with runic symbols is attached to the left side of the horse.
The horse is harnessed and the top of the head is protected but we can appreciate its long black hair
and black body at full. Mud on its legs and some scares on its body.

CAPTION
Tired of fight on thousand battles, Darko the barbarian knight is heading back home.


Panel 2
A loud sound of lashes and screams set Darko and his horse in action.

SOUND: Arghhh!
FX: Slash! -Swash!

Panel 3
The knight turns his ride, running to where these whipping and screams are coming.
He's reaching his sword.
FX: Swoosh! Slash!

Panel 4
The knight, sword in hand, stops the horse in the verge of a cliff .
He's startled to what he's seeing right below him.

Panel 5
Wide screen panel.
In the foreground,
A long caravan of male slaves of all ages are working in a mudded quarry.
From mine holes in the walls of the hill they are loading rocks of quarum (*) in carts and pushing these carts through the mud.

These slaves are surrounded by demonic armored guards mounted on flying platforms
controlling every movement. And punishing them.
As whips, the guards have small stashes that are shooting electrical waves hitting as TASERS on the slave's backs.
Insects and dragonflies are flying everywhere in the swamp.
In the background, at the top of the quarry, Drako's horse is standing on its back legs, ready to attack.

(*) Quarum : A rock that produces unlimited energy.
Quarum rocks are egg shaped, shiny and translucent by one side and opaque and roughen by the end.


PAGE 2-
Panel 1
Coming down the slope at full trot, Darko's sword slashes the head of one of the guards before he can react.

FX: Swoosh!
DARKO
Kiaa!

Panel 2
With a wave of his sword, Darko kill other two guards.

GUARD 1: Arghh!
GUARD 2: Ghurrrk!
FX: Shwish!

Panel 3
Wide screen panel-
This wide panel is subdivided on 4 small panels where we see Darko in silhouette in different positions
killing and smashing the guards with swings of his sword. Splashes of blood everywhere.
In the last image, a close up of Darko's sword cutting the chains of the hands of one old slave.

FX: Clank!

Panel 4
Darko is shaking hands with the elder of the slaves. A wise man.
The old man thanks Darko for their liberation.
The other slaves behind them are looking at Darko showing him reverence and gratitude.
They are holding the stashes and weapons taken from the guards.

WISE MAN
Thanks my lord, you had saved our lives and we'll be indebted for eternity to you.

Panel 5
The wise man speak with emphasis, with one of his hand he's pointing at something
that is far away and off panel.

WISE MAN
My lord, I won't abuse of your generosity, but I must beg you for the help of your strong arm
on saving our dear princes Dieyramis. She has been set for sacrifice by Mogull, the usurper.


PAGE 3 -
Panel 1
From a elevation we can see Darko and the freedmen, looking far beyond towards
the magnificent city of Untra that stand in the horizon.

WISE MAN
Mogull was a renegade who sold his soul to Darkness. He made a pact with the Celestials.
He would give away all our precious resources of quarum (*) and in exchange he would receive
magic powers for controlling the city and satisfy his gruesome excess.

Panel 2
Interior of the city of Untra.
All the people of the city, which are mainly women and children, are gathered around in a big esplanade
where a small pyramid with stairs
ends in a platform of sacrifices.
The women are wearing big exotic turbans a their faces are semi covered.
In top of it, is a small altar lays the princess, wearing a translucent gown, she' tied for sacrifice.
The high priest is ready to carry out with the sacrifice.
Behind, in the shadows of a small ornate tent Mogull the tyrant,
surrounded by his loyal demonic guards, is watching the spectacle.

CAPTION
For have his power legitimated, Mogull needed to marry our princess. She rejected him.

Panel 3
Holding high a big knife, the High Priest is addressing the audience.
The tied princess is looking at him with horror on her eyes.

CAPTION
And now he's going to kill her .

Panel 4
Darko and the freedmen burst into the ceremony. Killing guards.
The citizens are scared.

ATTACKERS
Yahhh!

Panel 5
The frenzy high Priest is going to bury his knife in the chest of the princess.

Panel 6
Darko throws his sword killing the priest.

FX: Shak!


PAGE 4-
Panel 1
Darko is running towards the Tyrant's tent.
The guards are abandoning the tyrant at once.

Panel 2
Full battle. The Guards are literally being smashed by the freedmen.

Panel 3
Darko kills Mogull when he's trying to escape.

MOGULL
Arghhh!

Panel 4
Darko hold in high the head of the tyrant.
Cheerful moment. Hurrahs celebrating the victory.
A bug, a sort of dragonfly with big eyes and long tail is flying around Darko.

CROWD :Yeahh! Hurrah!

Panel 5
Wide screen panel.
The princess is approaching Darko to show her gratitude.
She holds Darko's hands. Darko smiles.
The old man is announcing to the crowd the future wedding of the savior and the princess.
The dragonfly is flying around over them.

WISE MAN
Behold people of Untra! Our beloved princess wants to marry our savior!
Long life to our new king, Darko of Unra!


PAGE 5
Panel 1
Wide screen panel.
Far away, high in the space we see an observational spaceship from the Galactic Alliance.
The nave is orbiting the planet and monitoring the activities in Untra.
Voices are coming from inside the spaceship.

LIEUTENANT
Captain, we are perceiving unusual activity in the sector four of planet Arim.
Inside the capitol city of Untra.

CAPTAIN
Sector four? Where the quarum's mines are? What now?

Panel 2
Wide screen panel
Interior of the spaceship. Control room.
We see for behind the captain of the ship and his crew watching the wedding ceremony in a big screen.
The image in the screen is coming from the eyes of the robot dragonfly.
The commandant and his crew are non-human, aliens or humanoids.

FIRST OFFICIAL
Yes, sir. A insurrection leaded by an unknown specimen did overthrow the leader
of our providers of quarum.

CAPTAIN
I see. Hmmm. Can you fix that for me Lieutenant?

Panel 3
This panel is a strip of four panels in succession.

3-A- The princess crowns Darko who's sitting in the throne. She smiles.
The crown has a shape similar to a pine cone with inlays of jewelry on it.

CROWD: Hurrah!
CAPTION
Aye, aye, sir. Working on it.

3-B- Suddenly, lightning and rays are coming from the top of the crown to the throne
surrounding Darko.

DARKO
Arghh!

3-C- Darko feels the effect of these rays and his face start transforming.

DARKO
Urghh!

3-D- Darko start yelling to his people. Totally deranged.
DARKO
What... What are all of you doing here?
Quarum! I need more. Where is my quarum, you bastards?

Panel 4
Widescreen panel.
Close up to Darko's face looking at camera.
Darko is yelling and drooling, totally out of his mind.

Darko is grabbing the princess's arm. She is trying to resist .
Her expression is of panic and despair.

DARKO
Get back to work! Give my quarum or I'll kill all of you! Guards reactivate!
You'll see who's in charge now!

Panel 5
Far away, high in the space we see the observational spaceship of the Galaxy Alliance at full size leaving
the orbit of the planet. Voices are coming from inside the spaceship.

CAPTAIN
Good job lieutenant! Let's go back home now.

END.

.

brandonpatton
10-05-2013, 04:59 PM
Ack my sleep schedule has been screwed up this week I just realized it was Saturday. I am going to have to drop out of the contest.

ColbyAddison
10-05-2013, 09:05 PM
I went for a silent story this time around.

ISAAC AND SARAH

WRITTEN BY COLBY ADDISON


PAGE 1

1- We see ISAAC, a twenty five year old male in the smoke filled bedroom of his apartment. A ray of morning sunlight is beaming through the blinds of the window. He is in the middle of packing a small suitcase for what looks to be an overnight trip.

2- TIGHT SHOT of a framed photograph resting gently on top of a folded suit as Isaac begins to close the suitcase. The photograph is of Isaac and a woman, SARAH. They are posing for a self-shot picture. They are obviously a couple and very happy.

3- Isaac is carrying the suitcase into the living room. Pictures of Isaac and Sarah together, family and friends decorate the room.

4- Isaac is standing at the door, ready to leave. He is looking back at his apartment with a small smile.

5- Isaac has left the apartment. We are left with a view of the empty apartment and the happy photographs in it.


PAGE 2

1- The morning sun is still on the horizon. Isaac is driving his old, rusty car towards the on ramp of the interstate.

2- It is the middle of the afternoon. The sun is bright and there isn't a cloud in the air. Isaac is driving on the interstate.

3- The sun is starting to set. Isaac is getting off the interstate, leading into a large city.

4- Isaac pulls up to a nice hotel.

5- Isaac is at the hotel lobby checking in at the front desk with his small suitcase.

6- Isaac is in the hotel hallway. With his suitcase in hand, he is opening the door to his room.

7- Inside his room, Isaac is looking at the framed photograph he has set up on the table while he lays out his shirt, tie and pants on the table.

8- BIRD'S EYE VIEW. Isaac is lying on the bed with the photograph in his hands.

9- BIRD'S EYE VIEW. Isaac is crying, laying in the fetal position on the bed. The photograph is lying on the pillow next to him.


PAGE 3

1- It's early the next morning. Isaac is in his suit and tie, sitting on the edge of the bed eating cereal.

2- Isaac is leaving the room, carrying the small photograph. His suitcase has been left on the bed.

3- Isaac is in his car laying the photograph on the passenger seat.

4- Isaac is driving through a nice, family friendly neighborhood. Two women are walking their baby strollers on the sidewalk.

5- He has pulled into the driveway of a beautiful two story house.

6- He is reaching into the glove box compartment of his car.

7- TIGHT SHOT of Isaac's hand. It is holding both a small pistol and the framed photograph.


PAGE 4

PAGE 4 IS WITNESSED FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT OF ISAAC'S CAR.

1- Isaac is walking toward the front porch of the house. He is holding the photograph and gun behind his back.

2- Isaac is on the porch, ringing the doorbell.

3- Sarah and another man open the door. They are both surprised to see Isaac. The other man seems to be more confused, while Sarah is giving a look as to say “you shouldn't be here”.

4- The other man is angry. He points toward Isaac's car. Sarah is trying to keep the peace, holding the other man back a little. Isaac is calm and still.

5- Isaac's arm is extended, pointing the gun toward the two. The other man and Sarah are gently holding their hands up. The other man is between Isaac and Sarah.

6- Isaac has pulled the trigger. The other man is falling to the ground. Sarah is screaming.


7- Isaac has pulled the trigger again. Sarah is falling to the ground. The other man is lying dead on the porch.

8- Isaac is standing over the two. He is looking at the dead bodies of both the other man and Sarah.

9- Isaac is walking into the house.


PAGE 5

1- Isaac is in the house, walking down a short hallway. There are pictures on the wall.

2- Isaac has stopped walking and is looking at a photograph on the wall that has caught his attention.

3- He is removing the photograph from the wall. The photograph is a wedding photo of Sarah and the other man.

4- Isaac is placing the photograph of himself and Sarah where the wedding photo previously hung.

5- Isaac is pointing the gun at himself under his chin. He is looking at the framed photograph he has put on the wall. He has a slight smile on his face.

6- SAME SHOT. Isaac is falling to the ground.

7- Various photographs of Sarah and the other man surround the photograph of Isaac and Sarah on the wall. A few drops of blood are on the picture.

Steven Forbes
10-06-2013, 12:42 AM
Okay! That's it! No more entries. From here, we'll just discuss the scripts, as well as have the poll for which script we liked best. Any entries posted for this challenge after this message will be deleted.

Like DarkOra, I'm also going to do one editorial pass on a script. Maybe two. It depends on how my time runs.

Let's discuss!

Mr.P.Phlegming
10-06-2013, 03:15 AM
Shit. I missed it. I'm an asshole

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 02:50 PM
Aaron - really enjoyed this. Great sense of loss and longing from poor old Preston..

Thank you!

I'm also going to go through the scripts posted here and give my completely unprofessional nothing but gut reactions to them, starting with...

In-Vasion

I think what you have here is too ambiguous. The slow, methodical build up can work under certain circumstances, but you have to have one heck of a visual pay off at the end of it, and a guy laying in a bed with a syringe ain't it.

I think you also missed two opportunities to get especially creepy and really enhance the horror vibe from this story. First, when he cuts his neck shaving, it's just casually described as it could happen to anybody. I would put more emphasis on this scene. Is he using a straight razor? Is it supposed to look like he's slitting his throat in a creepy fashion or was it just a casual accident? Even if it's just an accident, a close up of the blade slitting the skin would be a more interesting visual juxtaposed against the mundane routine and would better tie the creepy captions to the scene.

Secondly, on page four, when he uses the syringe. Where does he inject himself and how does he inject himself? This is another opportunity for some kind of exciting/creepy visual that is deflated by a simple one sentence description.

Speaking as someone who has to keep relearning this lesson, artists aren't mind readers and need as many specifics as possible.

paul brian deberry
10-06-2013, 03:52 PM
Speaking as someone who has to keep relearning this lesson, artists aren't mind readers and need as many specifics as possible.

This is true.... however, artist would rather you didn't hold their hand and gave them the freedom to decide how a panel looks.

Look script writing is 100% personal preference. No two writers script the same way. Over time you're gonna learn what works best for YOU. Plain and simple.

I asked Mark Bagley how he liked his scripts formated and he gave me a piece of advice.

"I don't really care. However do what works best for the story BUT be sure you understand your partners strengths and weakness."

I've asked several different artist the same thing. The answers is almost always the same thing.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 05:19 PM
This is true.... however, artist would rather you didn't hold their hand and gave them the freedom to decide how a panel looks.


Too true. I didn't really want to go into the varied spectrums of artists and how much or little direction they want/will take. In this case, I'm simply saying, if you want something specific depicted in your comic, you had better say so. If you leave your script vague and flat, you run the risk of it being drawn vague and flat. Some artists may follow up with questions about how to flesh out a page, some may just do it on their own, and some may just draw it as stated. It depends on who you are working with and what you expect/think they're capable of. Communication is the key and that starts in the script.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 05:30 PM
Autumn Twilight

I liked this. As a script, it didn't particularly move me and the twist was pretty straightforward, but the right artists could really bring it to life. Sorry, I don't have much else to say about it.

Edit: I just remembered something else to say. I really appreciate that you put the number of panels at the beginning of each page (like I did :har:). I know there are no hard and set formats for comic scripting, but I much prefer knowing the number of panels per page beforehand. It really helps to evaluate both space and pace when reading a page for the first time. Frankly, it just makes a script easier to read and understand. Understandability is the name of the game when it comes to comic scripting.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 05:47 PM
SUNNY BASTARDS CREW
created by Big Pants!


Paul, what I liked about your script was that it was quick to read. That's not a backhanded compliment, I mean it wasn't tedious and the action flowed quickly.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why you didn't specify which character was speaking the dialog. In some panels, it's intuitive, but in other, I found myself double checking the panel description to see what order you wrote the characters in and decipher who was probably speaking specific lines.

Not to sound nitpicky, but there were also some simple grammatical errors throughout the script. I'm pretty lax about grammar in the panel descriptions, as long as the artist understands what you mean, but when errors show up in the dialog, well, that can be a huge problem.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 06:37 PM
Do we still on time?

THE SAVIOR

Scribbly, forgive me for not remembering, but I take it that English is not your first language. There are some inconsistencies and grammatical errors in the captions and dialog that would have to be straightened out by an editor.

Aside from that, the story feels a little claustrophobic told in just 5 pages. Not that it couldn't be done, but I don't think the grandeur of some of these scenes would really come across in 6 or 8 panel pages.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 07:17 PM
I went for a silent story this time around.

ISAAC AND SARAH


I like silent stories. The grid format you're locking yourself into with the high panel counts works well for this story. That being said, as a story it feels really thin. There's not much of anything going on with the characters. Once the gun shows up, it's pretty predictable where it's going and doesn't really defy any expectations.

ColbyAddison
10-06-2013, 09:12 PM
Aaron- Yeah, I thought about putting a scene of Isaac speaking to his mom on the phone at the hotel, or a long suicide note via voicemail but decided against it with the silent format. There are a few things I could have done different to draw out some personality in the character, missed opportunity on my part there.

I wasn't really going for a big twist with the gun. I was wanting the gun to let everyone know what was going to happen, and hopefully enjoy watching it play out. But if it fell flat, better luck next time I suppose. Thanks for the input.

Aaron Walther
10-06-2013, 09:40 PM
Yeah, I didn't mean to imply that a story should have or needs a twist. Your story came to a natural ending, but, and forgive me if this sounds pretentious, but by the end of the story I felt like I hadn't learned anything about anything. It was just kind of there. As a set of scenes, or as a part of a larger story, it's fine. As a self contained story it just doesn't speak to me.

Duane Korslund
10-07-2013, 12:49 AM
Thank you!

I'm also going to go through the scripts posted here and give my completely unprofessional nothing but gut reactions to them, starting with...


I think what you have here is too ambiguous. The slow, methodical build up can work under certain circumstances, but you have to have one heck of a visual pay off at the end of it, and a guy laying in a bed with a syringe ain't it.

I think you also missed two opportunities to get especially creepy and really enhance the horror vibe from this story. First, when he cuts his neck shaving, it's just casually described as it could happen to anybody. I would put more emphasis on this scene. Is he using a straight razor? Is it supposed to look like he's slitting his throat in a creepy fashion or was it just a casual accident? Even if it's just an accident, a close up of the blade slitting the skin would be a more interesting visual juxtaposed against the mundane routine and would better tie the creepy captions to the scene.

Secondly, on page four, when he uses the syringe. Where does he inject himself and how does he inject himself? This is another opportunity for some kind of exciting/creepy visual that is deflated by a simple one sentence description.

Speaking as someone who has to keep relearning this lesson, artists aren't mind readers and need as many specifics as possible.
Thanks for the thought....the original ending was gonna have him blowing his head off instead...guess i shoulda stuck with that...

ColbyAddison
10-07-2013, 01:10 AM
Aaron- no worries man, I'm not offended at all. If it didn't speak to you, it didn't speak to you. Different strokes for different folks. Though I still agree with you that I could have executed it a lot better.

paul brian deberry
10-07-2013, 12:20 PM
Paul, what I liked about your script was that it was quick to read. That's not a backhanded compliment, I mean it wasn't tedious and the action flowed quickly.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why you didn't specify which character was speaking the dialog. In some panels, it's intuitive, but in other, I found myself double checking the panel description to see what order you wrote the characters in and decipher who was probably speaking specific lines.

Not to sound nitpicky, but there were also some simple grammatical errors throughout the script. I'm pretty lax about grammar in the panel descriptions, as long as the artist understands what you mean, but when errors show up in the dialog, well, that can be a huge problem.


Thanks, Aaron. No excuses for bad grammar.

scrappy
10-07-2013, 07:01 PM
What's the deal with participants voting? Allowed? Not allowed? Frowned upon? Encouraged?

Steven Forbes
10-07-2013, 07:34 PM
What's the deal with participants voting? Allowed? Not allowed? Frowned upon? Encouraged?

Allowed AND encouraged!

scrappy
10-07-2013, 08:15 PM
Allowed AND encouraged!

What about voting for yourself? I don't want to, but if other people have/do then I don't want to be hindered.

Personally, I think voting for writers should be mandatory but it has to be a script other than your own.

Steven Forbes
10-07-2013, 08:21 PM
What about voting for yourself? I don't want to, but if other people have/do then I don't want to be hindered.

Personally, I think voting for writers should be mandatory but it has to be a script other than your own.

There's a way to stop people from voting for themselves, and that's to make the votes public. I'd rather not do that.

If politicians can vote on themselves, then why can't we? I mean, are we truly expected to vote for the other guy? Or just recuse ourselves from voting altogether?

No, vote for yourself, if you feel so inclined. I won't put anything against it.

Aaron Walther
10-08-2013, 12:29 AM
There's a way to stop people from voting for themselves, and that's to make the votes public. I'd rather not do that.

If politicians can vote on themselves, then why can't we? I mean, are we truly expected to vote for the other guy? Or just recuse ourselves from voting altogether?

No, vote for yourself, if you feel so inclined. I won't put anything against it.

Crap, I already voted for the other guy!:D

Steven Forbes
11-12-2013, 08:52 PM
Hey, writers!

Would any of you be interested in submitting these scripts to The Proving Grounds for editing?

I suggest looking it over first (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) to see if it's for you, and then reading the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/).

If you want to get it seen quickly, I suggest doing so now. The line is very, very low at present, and it is first come, first served.

Thanks! Hope to see you there!