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scrappy
09-12-2013, 09:44 AM
I was going for "ridiculously serious." Let me know if I succeeded.




Horny Death (5 Pages)

Page 1 (6 Panels)

Panel 1
An overview/establishing shot of a large, grassy field in the middle of the day. The stereotypical scene is a meeting of two leaders before a gigantic medieval battle. On either side of the field rests two cavalry armies on horseback standing ready for battle. In the middle of the field are two figures meeting one another also on horseback. The shot is far enough away to distinguish what is going on, but not close enough so that we can see details from the characters, just their silhouettes.

GENERAL/CAPTION
“This is your last chance, Baron. Turn you, your men, and your ridiculous steeds around or face complete and total slaughter.”

GENERAL/CAPTION
“The King has tolerated your fantasies of conquest long enough.”
Your rebellious tantrum ends here.”

Panel 2
Now down in the middle of the field, we see a low shot of the GENERAL on horseback. He is decked out as a war torn knight of the kingdom but resembles more savage barbarism than civil nobility. His horse is jet black and also dressed for battle.

GENERAL
Go back to your femininely decorated castle and pamper your army of ponies.

BARON (off panel in front of the General)
Never. My province has been looked down upon and laughed at by the entire kingdom for far too long.

Panel 3
A close up of the General with his head back in cackling laughter.

GENERAL
HAHAHA! Of course you have! Just look at you.

Panel 4
Contrary to the General’s low shot, we now see a high shot of the BARON. Compared to the General’s hardened warrior look, the Baron is attractive and wears armor (no helmet) purposed more for flashiness than combat. The main feature of the shot is the Baron’s steed, an all white, beautiful unicorn with a long, rainbow colored mane and tail. As opposed to the General’s armored horse, the cheery looking unicorn barely wears anything other than a saddle and bridle.

GENERAL (off panel in front of the Baron)
Under normal circumstances, I don't dare speak of what lies between a man's legs, but with a sight such as that, one would be a fool not to question your manhood entirely.

Panel 5
A close up the unicorn and the black horse facing off. The black horse has a deathly serious stare on his face while the unicorn looks pleasantly indifferent.

BARON (off panel above unicorn)
It’s ignorance like that which you’ll learn to regret.

GENERAL (off panel above black horse)
And if I don’t?

BARON (off panel above unicorn)
Then I’ll be taking your head as a trophy.

GENERAL (off panel above black horse)
The only trophy you deserve is from a handmaiden’s pageant, you delicate priss.

Panel 6
Over the shoulder shot from behind the General as he watches the Baron on his unicorn walk back to his troops, which the silhouettes of can be seen in the distance. The unicorn’s rainbow tail (and hence his white ass) is the main subject of the shot.

BARON
So be it


Page 2 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
A long, wide shot of the Baron’s side of the field as his unicorn trots back to his army of unicorn riding men.

BARON/CAPTION
“I'm sure some of you will go home and claim today was a victory.”

BARON/CAPTION
“But you'll be wrong.”

Panel 2
The Baron has reached his cavalry army, all of who wear similar battle garb to his own. The troops are mainly in the background while one of the soldiers is handing the Baron a flashy and stylish helmet.

BARON/CAPTION
“After all…”

Panel 3
Over the shoulder shot of the Baron putting on his helmet while looking at his troops, who are the main subject of the shot. They look ready and waiting for battle.

BARON/CAPTION
“…how could a man claim victory from stomping on an ant.”

Panel 4
Shot overlooking the field from behind the Baron’s army of unicorn riding soldiers. The Baron is at the front of the cavalry line. They are all looking in the distance at the outline of the General’s army.

BARON/CAPTION
“No. Today was not a victory. But a message.”

BARON/CAPTION
“A message to the King and all who deny us the respect we deserve.”

Panel 5
Close up of the Baron’s screaming face.

BARON/CAPTION
“That if they don’t give it to us…”

BARON
Charge!

BARON/CAPTION
“…then we will take it from them.”

Page 3 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
A long overview shot of the battlefield as the two side sides are charging towards one another.

BARON/CAPTION
“One day this land will tremble at the sight of us.”

Panel 2
A side shot of the Baron leading his charging army of unicorns. The unicorns are showing their teeth as if they are getting angry.

BARON/CAPTION
“They’ll see us coming and cower back to their beds.”

BARON/CAPTION
“But until then…”

Panel 3
A shot from alongside the Baron’s unicorn looking ahead (pretty much the unicorn’s perspective) at the General’s approaching army, which is now fairly close.

BARON/CAPTION
“We will not stop.”

BARON/CAPTION
“We will not quit.”

Panel 4
A head on close up of the Baron’s unicorn, now in a bloodthirsty frenzy. His crazed, bloodshot eyes are leering and he’s grinding his teeth in a fierce show of rage. His head is slightly lowered, ready to attack with his spiky horn.

BARON/CAPTION
“We will charge through this kingdom like a storm.”

Panel 5
A head on close up of the General’s horse riddled with fear.

BARON/CAPTION
“And leave nothing but terror in our wake.”



Page 4 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
Big panel at top of page. In the foreground, the Baron’s unicorn is impaling the General’s horse through its eye. Blood shoots and gorges out from the eye as it sprays in all directions. Behind the foreground, the next unicorn in the line is leaping forward and impaling another horseback soldier. The rest of the background shows the clashing of the two cavalries as the battle begins.

Panel 2
These next few panels will be random action shots from amidst the battle. This first one is of a soldier holding a shield out in fear. A unicorn’s horn has pierced through the shield and the tip is only inches away from the soldier’s body, who has an expression of terror plastered across his face.

BARON/CAPTION
“There will always be those who judge us by how we look.”

Panel 3
A soldier lies on his stomach in the grassy field as a unicorn pierces his back with its horn. The soldier is screaming in agony with blood dripping from his mouth. A shot of blood from the wound is also splashed across the unicorn’s face as well.

BARON/CAPTION
“They will laugh.”

BARON/CAPTION
“They will mock.”

Panel 4
A soldier is on his knees holding his neck, which has just been slit open. Blood is seeping out from the laceration as the tip of a unicorn’s horn has just finished a slicing motion across the man’s throat.

BARON/CAPTION
“And one by one…”

Panel 5
A soldier is lifted up off the ground by a unicorn that has just impaled him from behind. The man is looking down in anguish and pain at the horn protruding from his chest.

BARON/CAPTION
“…they will die.”



Page 5 (4 Panels)

Panel 1
The battle is now over. The Baron’s army, still on their unicorns, stands as an audience all facing one direction amidst the carnage of the battlefield. The once pristine unicorns and soldiers are now drenched in blood and mud. Below their hooves rests the mutilated and disfigured bodies of the General’s men.

BARON (off panel in front of soldiers)
Because of the magnificent creatures we ride, they see no reason to respect our wishes.

Panel2
Same scene as previous panel except from opposite angle.

BARON (off panel in front of soldiers)
They think nature has gifted our mares and stallions with nothing but elegance and grace.

Panel 3
Shot from behind the unicorns as the soldiers listen to the Baron, who stands at the front of the group far in the distance as a silhouette.

BARON
But now the King knows that beauty isn’t the only thing in the eye of the beholder. Now he knows…

Panel 4
A shot of the Baron standing triumphantly on his unicorn. Like his soldiers, he too is drenched in blood. But the key sight of the panel is the General’s severed head spiked atop the unicorn’s horn.

BARON
So is fear!

Aaron Walther
09-15-2013, 03:48 PM
I think this rides the line between "ridiculously serious" and "comically over the top" which is to say, I think it works, but the art style is going to be very important to capture any specific mood you are going for.

I think the first page is a little cluttered. I usually try to keep no more than one dialog exchange in a single panel, unless it's a large panel which the panels on that page are not. Also, as I see it, the focus of the first page are the striking visuals. The sequence, as written, would play much better across two pages, 3 panels each. This would really give the art room to show the disparity between the two soldiers.

Assuming your trying to keep this as a 5 page sequence, I would rewrite the first page with only 3 panels. First, the wide distant view of the armies, then the shot of the General, then the shot of the Baron. Rewrite the exchange so it fits snuggly as captions in the first panel, then let them each have their final say in the remaining two panels.

The rest of the script plays out just fine.

scrappy
09-19-2013, 08:25 AM
Thanks, Aaron.

I agree with you on the first page. I'm trying to keep it at 5 pages, hence the cramped first page. I think I'm going to re-work it though. Try to eliminate some dialogue and cut down some panels. Thanks again!