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whdvorak
08-29-2013, 11:09 PM
Page 10 (4 panels)

Panel 1
The Duchess, an armored super-heroine, is being interviewed by the local news. The Duchess is center of the panel and only the arm and the microphone of the reporter can be seen.

CAP:
The popularity of Behind the Mask was overnight. It helped that I wrote about it in the Daily Clarion, under new blogs to watch.

Reporter (OP):
Duchess, do you know anything about this new hero, The Black Fury, and his blog behind the mask?

Duchess:
I don't know who this guy thinks he is, the original Black Fury is dead and gone.

Panel 2
Same view as in panel 1 but this time Duchess is shocked and applauded by the statement.

CAP:
Behind the mask was swamped by visitors. I knew to be a hit I had to give them more than just a local patrol log, so I started embellishing a little. The first hint I dropped was that the Black fury had recently made amends with his on again, off again girlfriend, a certain armored female Super.

Reporter (OP):
And do you have any comment about the rumor, that The Black Fury and you are lovers?

Duchess (Burst):
WHAT!

Panel 3
Feral, a wild looking hero that looks like a cross between the Creeper and Saber-tooth, growls at the reporter as she asks him a question about the Black Fury. Again in this panel the hero is center and we only see the arm of the reporter.

Reporter (OP):
And what do you have to say to the reports from the Behind the Mask blog?

Feral (SFX):
Grrrrr!!

Panel 4
Marjorie Reynolds, an elderly lady, and widow of the former Super known as the Patriot, smiles absently at the camera. As in the earlier panels, only the reporters arm and microphone can be seen.

Reporter (OP):
Mrs. Reynolds, your late husband, the Patriot, was a hero active during the days of the original Black Fury. Did your husband ever mention him or work with him back in the golden days?

Mrs. Reynolds:
Ted knew a lot of Super-heroes. Some were his friends and others were just colleges. I can’t remember him mentioning...Oh wait, now I remember. One time he said the, Black Fury, was an #$*&@, or was that Utopian Man he was talking about?


Page 11 (4 panels)

Panel 1
A medium shot of The Simon Correctional Institute, a prison dedicated to the research and rehabilitation of super-villains. The prison is located on a small island in Founders bay that is connected to the mainland by a bridge.

CAP:
The Simon Correctional Institute

Panel 2
Martin Blake, a super-villain known as, The Reaver, sits chained at a metal table in an orange jumpsuit. Blake is a wild eyed balding man of medium build. Behind him stand two guards in uniforms that look like riot gear.

CAP Reporter (Electronic):
We even went to The Simon Institute, where we spoke exclusively to, Martin Blake, better known as, The Reaver. Again the reporter is off panel with only her arm and microphone visible.

Reporter 1(OP):
Mr. Blake, we were wondering if you could tell us anything about the man that apprehended you, The Black fury?

Blake 1(Burst):
What! The Black who!?!

Reporter 2(OP):
According to the hero's own blog, Behind the Mask, he was the one who most recently turned you over to authorities.

Blake 2:
Ha! Isn’t that rich, the Black Fury. I’ve never heard of the guy. Utopian Man, turned me over to the authorities last time I got pinched, anyone else I would have torn apart.

Panel 2
From the same angle as panel one, the reporters arm is no longer in the shot as Blake leaps to grab her and is stopped short by his chains and the guards grab him.

Blake (Burst):
It was Utopian Man! Do you hear me you...

Panel 3
The guards are restraining him and one has produced a taser like gun and is using it on him.

Blake 1(Burst):
...get your hands off!

Blake 2(SFX):
YEARRGH!!

Panel 4
Close up of the Report, Tabitha Maine, She is a dark haired woman with a tan complexion and a perfect smile.


Tabitha:
So who is the Black Fury? Despite the wealth of intimate details on his blog, many questions still remain. Foremost, who is he? Why take up the mantel of a fallen Super? Only time will tell.


Page 12 (5 panels)

Panel 1
John and Charles are on skyscraper rooftop at night, other taller buildings rise up around them. John, in an ill fitting Black Fury costume, is double checking a climbing harness around his waist. Charles has on heavy work gloves and is holding the other end of a rope.

John:
OK it's simple. Once the false charges go off, they will draw attention to the building and that’s when I'll descend to the roof blow. All you have to do is make sure the line feeds through the winch smoothly.

Charles:
OK, I guess.

Panel 2
John grabs Charles by the shoulders reassuringly and looks into his eyes.

John:
Charles, please don't worry. This is perfectly safe; I won't be hurt.

Charles:
Oh I'm sure of that. This crazy circus has not run its course yet.

Panel 3
Medium shot of an upset, John, with hands on his hips. The panel should emphasize how silly John looks in the ill fitting costume. Charles waves his hands in the air with frustration as they talk.

Charles:
John, Honey I love you, but this is going too far. You're about to throw yourself over a roof dressed as a dead super-hero. I realize you're infatuated with these Supers, but John you're not one of them.

John:
I realize I'm not one of them Charles, but the Black Fury needs to start making some appearances or people are going to get suspicious and the blog will tank.

Panel 4:
As John gets angry, Charles, himself becomes defensive in his manners.

John:
You've seen the traffic the sites been generating Charles. This is bigger than I thought it would be and could even be bigger than the Daily Clarion.

Charles:
You’re not listening to me John. I know the real reason you're doing all this. John, you're not a Super, your one hundred and fifty pounds of a red headed gay man, and I love you...

Panel 5
Extreme close up of John's scowling face in the Black Fury cowl.

Charles:
But you will never be a Super John and you have to accept that.

John:
Are you going to watch the rope for me or not?



Page 13 (6 panels)

Panel 1
John, works out in a gym in an ill fitting t-shirt and shorts.

CAP:
I blew off Charles’ comment; I realized I would never be a Super. To be a super you had to have powers, training and be in great shape. All things I knew I didn't have. I was doing this for the success of the blog I told myself.

Panel 2
John is standing in front of a mirrored wall at his gym, doing curls with dumbbells. Next to him is another muscular guy doing curls with dumbbells too. The difference between the two is striking.

CAP:
So I started working out every day. If I could sculpt my body enough I could fill out the costume better and be more convincing when I made my public appearances.

Panel 3 to 6
The panels should be narrow and show the progression of John's working out over time. With each picture he will get a little bigger and a little more defined. In panel 6 he will be very buff compared to when he started working out, but still lean. The Captions should lay over all the panels, CAP one in the top left and CAP two in bottom right.

CAP 1:
It was hard; I'm not going to lie. Waking up every day before dawn to go and work out. But with each day it got a little easier.

CAP 2:
As the months passed, I could see my improvement. I wasn't a Super, but I was beginning to look more like one.


Page 14 (4 panels)

Panel 1
John stands in front of his full length mirror at his apartment again. Like before Charles peeks around from behind looking at his image. John now fills out the suit nicely. He is muscular but a lean kind of muscular. Charles has a big grin on his face.

John:
What do you think?

Charles:
Why, Mr. Perry, I do believe I'm becoming a bigger fan of these tights every day.

Panel 2
John is circling another man on mats at a jujitsu dojo. Both of the men are wearing white Gi's. A Sensi watches over them.

CAP:
Of course I started taking martial arts classes too. It only made sense, if I was going to be jumping around impersonating a Super, I should know how to actually move like one.

Panel 3
John gets flipped onto the ground by his partner.

CAP:
The martial arts didn't come easy to me either. I was an academic nerd. I had spent my life writing and in classes rooms, or going to coffee shops, plays and museums.

Panel 4
John flips his partner onto the ground.

CAP:
And while practice didn't make perfect in my case, I did improve.



Page 15 (5 Panels)

Panel 1
Charles stands on a busy sidewalk, his expression one of boredom.

CAP:
The latest appearance of The, Black Fury, was spectacular. I was going to drop down onto a ledge that ran the front of the Edison Electric building. With all its fancy and pulsing lights blinking in sequence as I ran along it.

Panel 2
The Black Fury lands on the Edison Electric building, Charles, in the crowd below points up at him and shouts to get people’s attention.

CAP:
I had planted Charles in the crowd to draw attention to me. Charles had been great through all of this, Black Fury, business. When I too busy to write for the Daily Clarion, he hired ghost writers.

Panel 3
From the crowd level looking up, as people point at, The Black Fury, running across a ledge. Many of them are taking pictures..

CAP:
With all my training and exercise we didn't go out much anymore, or spend much time together at home. In retrospect I should have realized how much I was ignoring him, but I was putting all my time and effort into the Black Fury.

Panel 5
John stands in the open front door to the apartment he shares with Charles. John has flicked the light switch just inside the door, which has turned on a single lamp sitting on the floor. Their apartment is bare of furniture and only some rubbish and stacked books. The only furniture is a chair at a writing desk where his laptop sits.

CAP:
It wasn't a real surprise when Charles left me.



Page 16 (4 Panels)

Panel 1
The Black Fury, stands in a dark alleyway at night. In the distance the traffic and the life of the city pass by the entrance to the Alley.

CAP:
It was the night after Charles left that everything changed. I was preparing to make another appearance.

Panel 2
Same view as panel one. A woman runs into the alley chased by two thugs.

Lady (Burst):
Help!

Panel 3
The two thugs tackle the lady to the ground. Thug one holds a knife to her throat while Thug two pulls her purse away from her.

Thug One:
Shut up lady! I swear I'll cut ya if you don't shut up.

Panel 4
Same angle as panel three of this page, but both of the thugs turn their heads toward the sound of the, Black Fury's, who is off panel.

Black Fury (OP):
I think you should let that lady go.

CAP:
I couldn't believe what I was seeing, or even more unbelievable, what I was doing. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would leap out of my chest.



Page 17

Panel 1 (Splash Page)
The two Thugs cautiously rising from the ground, as the Lady scrambles away. For the first time, John Perry, looks like a true hero. His long red lined cap is thrown dramatically over one shoulder revealing his transformed body. The Black fury, is smiling with genuine mirth. The, Black Fury's, costume is all black with a cape and cowl like, Batman's, minus the ears. The inside of his cape is red and a skull and crossbones on his chest, is inside a red circle. On his forehead is a reflective disk the size of a silver dollar.

Thug Two:
Holy @#$%, It's the Black Fury!

Thug One:
I don't care who it is, I'm cutting this punk.

CAP:
I was high on adrenaline and in a euphoric state. I couldn't stop smiling.



Page 18 (5panels)

Panel 1
Thug one comes at the, Black Fury, thrusting his knife. Black Fury deflects it easily and uses the man's momentum, to trip him to the ground.

Panel 2
Close up of Thug One's neck, as The Black Fury chops him with the edge of his hand.

Panel 3
Thug two tries to run but the, Black Fury, jumps though the air to pounce on him. The fury's cape spreads out like giant black wings in the air.

Panel 4
Top down view of the, Black Fury, landing on top of Thug two.

Panel 5
As the Black Fury crouches on top of Thug two, he turns his head to the Lady that was being mugged and smiles.

Black Fury:
You should be fine now Ma'am.



Page 19 (5panels)

Panel 1
The, Black Fury, is running across roof minutes after his fight with the two thugs in the alley.

CAP:
I was so wired after the fight, I started running and climbing and dashing across the roofs of Jefferson City. I felt more alive than I had ever before in my life and I didn't want the feeling to end.

Panel 2
The Black Fury leaps from one roof to another, crossing the alley separating them with ease.

CAP:
And that's when I admitted it to myself. That's when I told myself I was a Super. That I was a crime fighter just like all the ones I had looked up to as a kid.

Panel 3 & 4
The Black Fury tucks and rolls, then springs to his feet after his jump. The caption will be in Panel 4

CAP:
I wasn't, John Perry, anymore. I was the, Black Fury. I wasn't the redheaded kid that was picked on for being different. I was something special; I was a Super.

Panel 5
Close up of The Black Fury's beaming face.

CAP:
And I didn't have far to go to find my next challenge.


Page 20 (5panels)

Panel 1
The black Fury drops down amongst a group of men all dressed in black and feeding rope through an open skylight.

Man in Black 1:
What the hell!?!

Panel 2
Before the Black Fury and the men in Black begin to fight a shout from off panel stops them.

Reaver:
Wait! This fool is mine!

Panel 3
Center of the page, is The Reaver. The Reaver was a common street thug that had acquired super powers. He was stronger, faster and tougher than any normal human. With his powers, The Reaver, adopted a basic costume and started his career as a Super-villain. (The Reaver's costume should be basic)

Reaver:
So you're the Black Fury!?! Well buttercup, you told everyone that you sent me to Simon's last time I got pinched. I guess now you can see if you really can.

Panel 4
Close up of a still smiling, Black Fury.

CAP:
I should have been scared, I should have been terrified. Before me stood a man that could bend steel bars with his bare hands. I should have tried to run for my life, but I was almost ecstatic with joy.

Panel 5
Close up of the, Black Fury, punching the Reaver across the face.

SFX:
CRACK!

CAP:
I felt a bone in my hand snap the moment I hit him.


Page 21 (5 panels)

Panel 1
The, Black Fury, Swings at the, Reaver, with his other hand which, The Reaver, blocks easily.

CAP:
All the fun drained from me in an instant, replaced with fear. He was so fast.

Panel 2
The Reaver, head butts the Black Fury.

SFX:
CRUNCH!

CAP:
I had no idea how strong a Super could be.

Panel 3
Close up of the, Revaer's, fist as it connects with the, Black Fury's, face, sending blood and teeth flying.

CAP:
I lost all my bearings and I could think clearly through the pain.

Panel 4
The, Reaver, brings down a double handed blow to the back of the, Black Fury, crushing him to the roof.

CAP:
Thankfully that's when I blacked out.

Panel 5
The, Reaver, stomps on the prone form of the Black Fury.



Page 22 (Splash Page)

Panel 1
The, Reaver, throws the, Black Fury, off the roof of the building. The wind whips the, Black Fury's, cape around his limp body, as he plummets to the street below.

The Reaver:
Ha! Ha! Ha! What a chump! And to think, he had the nerve to say he put me, The Reaver, away.

CAP1:
And like that, my brief crime fighting carrier came to an end.

CAP 2:
To be continued.

Steven Forbes
08-30-2013, 12:23 AM
I don't have the strength right now. I'm doing other stuff, so, really quickly:

Watch your commas. If you don't know how to use them, learn. This is the internet. You have no excuse.

There are no semicolons in dialogue.

Make sure you write panels that can actually be drawn. P12, panel 4: this panel doesn't describe something that can be drawn.

And finally, learn to use a comma. Yes, I know I said that already. It's that important.

whdvorak
08-30-2013, 09:52 AM
Thanks for the advice Steve. I agree I'm relearning my basic grammar sadly from being out of use. But really if you're so busy, don't bother on my account. (JK) I find it sad though that you found nothing good about the story. As for the P12 panel 4 I can see where it might be confusing for the artist to interpret what I wrote, I could do that in a cleaner way. Even if you are a little on the brash side I do thank you for taking the time to look it over.

Steven Forbes
08-31-2013, 12:36 AM
Okay. I've got more strength.

Here's the thing: I'm not reading this entire thing, and then going to make comments on it. Grammar is basic. It didn't take that much to see that you don't know it. (And how you can actually lose something as basic as grammar is beyond me. Do you also forget basic arithmetic if you don't do it on a regular basis?)

Then, there's the spelling mistake that jumped out at me. Applauded instead of appalled? Dictionaries are there for a reason.

But that doesn't even go to the basics. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt in that you started with P12, so you might have given a place as to where this interview is taking place on the previous page. Notice the word "might." But if you didn't, then this is taking place in a white void, and you should be ashamed of yourself for not placing the characters in an actual setting. However, like I said, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt.

You have a caption on P12 that has 57 words. That's going to be a large caption, and the only thing saving you is that it is in fact, a caption, and not a word balloon. That's way too many words for a single word balloon.

Then, within that caption, your use of capitalization is appalling (not applauded). You can't decide which words are capitalized or which words aren't. I mean, you even do it for your own hero.

Generally, that doesn't matter, though. Why? Because most of the time, the font your letterer will use will be all-caps. However, if they use a sentence-case font, then you're causing more work for the editor to catch your screw-ups.

Proof-reading is the easiest thing you can do for yourself. The more you can do to take pressure off your editor (if you have one), the better they can concentrate on helping you tell the best story you can, instead of cleaning up basic grammar mistakes, which just then ends up with a whole bunch of red all over the script.

Put in the work. Just because you "wrote" it doesn't mean your job is done. Spelling, punctuation, grammar, and the amount of words used...all of these are things you can take into your own hands to make your scripts that much better. If you know and recognize your weak spots, then you need to work on them.

Simple.

whdvorak
08-31-2013, 07:13 PM
LOL I can't believe you're an admin here. You have the personality of a chipped stone. Everything you said is valid, I won't argue any of it. But the fact that you're an admin doesn't make it OK for you to just be straight up rude to folk. And it's not just me, I've seen you be a complete jerk to others too recently. Everything you said could have been done with tact and a little bit of manners.

Steven Forbes
08-31-2013, 08:05 PM
:)

I'm not sparkly. I'm not your cheerleader. I'm not your family, and I'm not your friend. I have no vested interest in your feelings. I'm not going to hold your hand and worry about whether or not you like me. I'm interested in whether or not you're putting in the work, and if it is showing in the scripts you put up.

You think this is rude? Believe me, this is me being comparatively polite. Me being an admin doesn't give me license to be rude to anyone. I'm hard on everyone, myself included. I was this way before I was a mod. A couple of years ago, I was a LOT worse. I've lightened up some.

However, also understand this: this is the most help you've gotten on your scripts in weeks.

There's something else to understand: if you know your script has problems before you put it up (basic grammar being one of them), why put it up in the first place?

Imagine this: you bought a book. You start reading the book, and within the first few paragraphs, you're noticing spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes. Basic mistakes a simple proofreading would have caught. What do you concentrate on: seeing where the next mistake is, or the actual story being told?

Fix your mistakes before you put up the script. Put up only a single scene instead of 11 pages. That will get you more looks and more people commenting on your script, instead of the rude guy with the personality of chipped stone. :)

-Steven

Eagle
08-31-2013, 08:48 PM
the rude guy with the personality of chipped stone.
I like you.

I would trust you to rip my stuff apart when everyone else would just be superficially telling me how "good" it is without caring.

Stay frosty, man.

Steven Forbes
08-31-2013, 08:58 PM
Thanks, Eagle.

Fly high. (And not in a drug-user sense, either...)

Eagle
08-31-2013, 10:40 PM
Thanks, Eagle.

Fly high. (And not in a drug-user sense, either...)

It's my actual, real-life name. Looks like a nickname, albeit a weird one, I guess, but it's genuine.

Jon Dahl
08-31-2013, 11:28 PM
Steven Forbes once critiqued one of my short stories.

I'm now in college trying to become a better writer because of it. No joke.

Jon Dahl
08-31-2013, 11:33 PM
Also, you're not an Admin, you're a moderator. :nyah:

Steven Forbes
08-31-2013, 11:55 PM
Mod, admin... Only those in power care! LOL

And I'm half tempted to put up and sticky a thread where I can get flamed. Well, a bit more than half. At least there'll be a place for it, instead of in the thread itself.

As for college... I had nothing to do with it. That's all on you, wanting to better yourself. Good on ya!

-Steven

Comics Commando
09-06-2013, 03:47 AM
whdvorak...

Mr. Steven Forbes is right on the money. And if you think he's a hard ass [and he really isn't]...then you have a lot to learn...which is why you posted, isn't it?

I've backed up his comments from time to time...and I've not visited this forum in maybe 5 months. I don't know this man, but he speaks the hard truth about writing. It's hard--it's damn hard. And if you don't know your shit, then move over.

I can see from your postings you haven't grasped the basic comma. THE BASIC COMMA! Pick up a book--a real book...look it over. DON'T get your punctuation cues from the internet! Am I being insulting? No! I'm telling you to be familiar with 8th-grade-level writing.

I've been in this comics biz as a pro about 30 years. Lettering--I gotta know my shit! Writing--I gotta know my shit! Editing--I REALLY gotta know my shit!

Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse, Eclipse, etc. I didn't get here by being sloppy. Editors can spot shit work, so don't kid yourself.

Harsh? Yeah, sure. These days [especially] comics is a harsh field. Bring the goods...or go away.

On the sunshiney side: do your homework. There are lots of books on grammar and punctuation. Buy them--read them. Learn from them.


khathawayart@gmail.com
Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio