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whdvorak
07-12-2013, 06:23 PM
Hello All,
Here is a sample script I did. Hope everyone enjoys it.


Relative Strangers By
William Dvorak
959 Brentwood St, Lakewood, CO, 80214
whdvorak@gmail.com


Page 1

Panel 1
Henry, a simple man, dressed in overalls and a flannel shirt walks down a dirt road. A metal lunch pail swings absently at his side as he walks. The road winds through a pine forest, that closes in on all sides. A thick fog drifts through the scene, parting just enough to show the scene. The Morning sun is little more than a light colored circle in the foggy sky.

CAP:
Thursday morning.

CAP:
Back when I worked at the mill, I'd get up and walk the three miles every morning to work. That's when I met Robby.

Panel 2
As the road cuts across a small river, the trees recede revealing a rocky bank. The river heads out toward the ocean a short distance from the stone bridge. Robby, a young boy wearing a straw hat and slightly dated clothes, sits on the side of the bridge. His legs and a line, from his bamboo fishing pole, dangle over the side. Robby's features are slightly obscured by the fog.

Robby:
Mornin.

Henry:
Morning little man.

Panel 3
Henry comes to stand next to Robby on the stone bridge and looks down at the water, some thirty feet below.

Henry:
You sure you should be sitting up here Little man? That's quite a fall if you tip over.

Robby:
No worries mister, I've been fishin here my whole life and I ain't fell over once.

Panel 4
Henry straightens up and scratches his head.

Henry :
Your whole life? Well I've never seen you around here before and I walk this way every morning.

Robby :
I don't know what to tell you mister. I fish here at this spot all the time.

Henry :
Shouldn't you be in school?

Robby :
Nope. No school for me today Mister.

Panel 5
Henry starts walking off waving goodbye and Robby waves back.

Henry :
Well, you be careful now, you hear me kiddo.

Robby :
I'll be careful mister and I'm no kiddo. My name is Robby.

Henry :
All right Robby. My name is Henry. Good luck fishing.

Robbie :
Hey Mister, be careful at the cross roads today.

Henry :
OK Robby, I'll be careful.

Page 2

Panel 1
Henry walks down the road and the fog thickens. Henry can barely see more than several feet in front of himself. The fog has become so think, that Henry walks holding his arms outstretched so he doesn’t walk into something.

CAP:
I remember, the fog got so think, that I had to inch along for fear of running into something.

Panel 2
Henry comes to the crossroads, he is able to tell by the street signs that are so obscured by the fog that only a dark outline of them can be seen through the fog.

Henry:
I must be at the crossroads. I can't even see the roads.

Panel 3
Henry starts to cross the street, when a dark figure the size of a child, runs through the fog in front of him. Startled, Henry falls backwards. Henry's lunchbox clatters to the ground and only a couple of feet from him.

Henry:
Hey!

Panel 4
Sitting at the side of the road, a truck whizzes past Henry at a high rate of speed. The fog swirls and disperses in wake of the trucks passing. As the truck flies by it runs over Henry's lunchbox, crushing it.

Henry:
Whoa! Hey slow down you idiot! You could have hit me.

Panel 5:
Henry still sitting at the side of the road as the fog dissipates giving a better view of the scene. Henry is inches away from his shattered and crunched lunchbox.


Page 3

Panel 1
Henry is walking to work again, this time the morning is not obscured with fog, but is day is bright and sunny. Instead of carrying his lunchbox Henry has a sacked lunch. It is the same view as in panel 2 on page one, where Henry first saw Robby. Sitting on the bridge again, is Robby in the same clothes.

CAP:
Friday morning.

Panel 2
Henry stops and stands next to Robby and they smile at each other.

Henry :
Good morning Robby.

Robby :
Good morning Mister Henry.

Henry :
No, not Mister Henry, Just Henry. You know, you were right about the crossroads yesterday. I almost got hit by a truck.

Robby :
I'm glad you didn't.

Panel 3
As Robby and Henry chat Robby’s stomach rumbles.

Henry :
Nice day today. No school today either?

Robby :
No Mist....er. No Henry. No school today either.

SFX:
(Robbie's stomach) Rrrrrrrrr.

Panel 4
As they talk, Henry takes his sacked lunch and sets it on the bridge next to Robby.

Henry :
Robby, did you have breakfast this morning?

Robby :
I guess I forgot. I was in a hurry to start fishing.

Henry :
Here, take mine, I can get something at work.

Robby :
Thanks Henry!

Panel 5:
As Robby digs into Henry's sacked lunch, he points to a pile of fish on newspapers.

Robby :
OK. I'll take your lunch, if you take some of these fish I caught. You shouldn't on the road empty handed.

Henry:
Alright Robby, I'll take a couple.

Page 4

Panel 1
Henry walks down the street, leaving the bridge behind, as tall pines close in. A few shapes of stray dogs can be seen coming out of the woods behind Henry, the dogs stay close to the cover of foliage.

Panel 2
Henry is shocked by the howling of dogs close behind him.

SFX:
(Dog) Howwwwwwwwwwwwwwel!

Panel 3
Henry looks back over his shoulder, as a pack of wild dogs comes out of the forest, chasing after Henry.

Henry:
What the hell!

Panel 4
Henry runs as the dogs chase him.

Page 5

Panel 1
Henry is running for his life from the pack of wild dogs as a couple more come out of the woods to join the others.

Panel 2
Close up of the dogs nipping at his legs.

Panel 3(Small Panel)
Extreme close up, of the newspaper wrapped fish falling out of Henry's overalls.

Panel 4
Henry looks over his shoulder, as the dogs tear open the newspaper and begin fighting over the fish.

CAP:
I found out later, that the dogs belonged to this old fella that died. The poor dogs, had finally busted out of their dog run and were starving by the time I met them.


Page 6

Panel 1
Henry approaches the bridge just like in page 1 panel 2 and on page 3 panel 1. Robby is not on the bridge fishing like he was in the previous two panels.

CAP:
Saturday Morning

CAP:
Every Saturday morning, I go over to my Grandmother's house for lunch. The way takes me over the bridge too and I hoped to find Robby there, to thank him again, for the fish.

Panel 2
Henry stands next to the spot on the bridge, where Robby would sit and fish. Robby is not there but his bamboo fishing pole is. Henry appears confused.

CAP:
Robbie was not there but his pole was. At first I thought nothing of it.

Panel 3
A concerned Henry looks over the edge of the bridge at the water below which is running fast.

CAP:
Then I got to worrying. What if Robby fell off the bridge?

Panel 4
Henry climbs down a steep slope that leads from the road to where the river runs beneath the bridge.

Panel 5
Henry stands on a sandy and muddy section beneath the bridge. He looks around for any sign of Robby.

CAP:
I hurried to the bottom of the bridge but there was no sign of Robby.


Page 7

Panel 1
Worms eye view, looking up at Henry as he looks down.

CAP:
I was about to leave when I looked down and noticed something.

Panel 2
View from over Henry's shoulder, as he kneels down in the sand and mud looking at a child's footprint on the ground.

Panel 3
Henry stands up and we see the footprints come from the underbrush and past Henry toward the river.

Panel 4
Shot over Henry's shoulder, the foot prints disappear into the river. From this angle we can see the river snake out into the ocean, in the distance.

CAP:
The footprints made no sense to me, but I was satisfied that Robby had not fallen off the bridge. And with Robby now where in sight I continued on to my Grandmother's.


Page 8

Panel 1
Henry walks up a dirt drive to an old farm house. Henry, carries Robby's, fishing pole with him.

Panel 2
From Grandmother's point of view as she knitts, Henry enters a quaint home, furnished with older, heavy, wood furniture.

Henry:
Hey there good looking!

Grandma:
Oh Henry! You’re gonna make an old woman blush.

Panel 3
Grandma gets up from her chair, and gives Henry a big hug. Grandma notices the bamboo fishing pole that he is carrying.

Grandma:
You going fishing today Henry?

Henry:
Oh this? No. It belongs to a friend of mine, he forgot it at the bridge. I'm going to give it back to him, next time I see him.

Panel 4
Grandma points over at the mantle above her fire place, as she speaks. Henry sees what she is pointing at and his jaw drops open, in astonishment.

Grandma:
You know, my Daddy, your Great-Grandfather Robert, used to fish with a pole just like that. He drown before you were born, down by that old bridge.

Panel 5
Close up of a picture on the mantle place. The picture is of the same boy from the bridge, sitting in the same place as Robby was. In the picture Robby waves at the camera happily.

Grandma:(Off panel)
There is a picture of him on the mantle. That was taken when he was just a boy, they used to call him Robby back then.

scrappy
07-14-2013, 12:36 AM
I like the story. it's simple, direct and meaningful. It's not 100% original. I've seen things similar. But I think you craft it in a way that you make it your own so I wasn't bothered by it. I also like the title too. Works well for the story.

Two things:

1) I like to put the number of panels a page has next to the page number. That way you know what to expect from the page before you start reading it.

2) There's a tricky part of your story that's going to be hard to avoid. So Henry meets his great grandfather as a boy. And one day he sees the fishing pole insinuating the boy drowned. But in reality he drowned as a grown up, not a boy. So there's an inconsistency. It's a little one and unavoidable. But it did bother me. Don't know what you can do about it though.

whdvorak
07-14-2013, 10:23 AM
Thanks for the comments. I think your taking it a little too literally. In the story we are accepting the fact that ghosts are real and with that established, the possibility of a ghost leaving a present behind, is just as possible.

scrappy
07-14-2013, 11:24 AM
Thanks for the comments. I think your taking it a little too literally. In the story we are accepting the fact that ghosts are real and with that established, the possibility of a ghost leaving a present behind, is just as possible.

I'm not arguing its feasibility, just that Robby's ghost wouldn't be a child. It would be a grown man because ghosts are usually in the same form they die in. Not always I understand. But without having an explanation it can be troubling. And it adds to the head scratching a bit when its insinuated in the end that the boy could have fallen off when the pole was left behind. I think it would fit a lot better if Robby wasn't his great-grandfather but maybe his grand uncle, meaning the grandmother's brother. That way Robby could have died as a boy and yet still be related to Henry and want to help him. But that's just my opinion.

whdvorak
07-14-2013, 08:13 PM
I see what you're getting at now Scrappy. And I think you're right that would take out a loop and make story easier to follow. An easier to follow story is always better for the broader market. That would be an easy fix too. If I ever decided to use this piece again that would be a good change. Cheers :)