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View Full Version : a pitch i want to shop around orginaly called all star now soldier 51


CHRISTOPHERMARK570
06-27-2013, 11:18 PM
hi i have a pitch i want to shop around.
i orginaly submitted it to talent house for stan lee and todd mcfarlne.
it deals with a superhero,aliens and the nwo mob is gunning for him.
to be honest i am afraid to write about this because i feel these things are real.

ALL STAR ISSUE 1
Page one
The year is 1994
And the USA is at war with Iraq in desert storm.
United states satellite, picks up a video of what seems to be
a UFO going into earths orbit.
Over the united states.
It is followed and shot down by us air force jets .
Page 3
The object begins to catch fire ,from being shot at and going threw our atmosphere.
Page 4
It crashes to the grown in area 51.
Page 5
Huge atom bomb like explosion.
Page 6
The fbi are at the seen cooling it down.
Men in chemical suits are extracting the objet ,
.
Page 7 a hologram shoots out of the object.
It is a sent message from outside our galaxy.
A race of alien are seeking aid.
For their planet and race, of aliens .
that live there.
They need to manipulate there genes to live on their planet.
It is is killing them .
From The planet Eadaien .

Thousands of years ago they began to devolve .
and space caused a mutation in them from the spores and germs.
The oxygen they breath is toxic to them now because of it..
Page 8
Our clean water and DNA is what they need to purify their DNA .
So they can survive.
Page 9
The united nations sees the transmission for help.
In exchange they promise to end disease, all sickness on earth famine, and all wars .
Give us peace like they had for eons of years.
Page 10
The prototype of the answer,
A superhero soldier superhuman to our understandings.
in his dna pure of all diseases threw tecknoligy
a half human part andriodenhanced super soldier
The next evolution.
For the human race.
Called soldier 51 because his athletic and fighting ability. The and where they found the message of hope and help area 51.
star 51 program is a program to make super beings.
The volentiers a new beginning of the human ability.
Highly intelligent, strong ,immune to disease ,and all sickness.
Invincible because of how they where made.
with tiny like
Insect androids in their blood system to make the human stronger smarter and immune to injuries buy ultra mini repair and inhansment.
Page 11
51 soldiers Are a new human.
their DNA is a mix of the blond haired blue eyed eiadens and general humans.
they did this So they can breed with us ,so they can live on there planets again.
.
Page 12
Flashback -
Billions of years ago humanity lived on a super planet eiden/paridise.
and learned the DNA sequence for immortality ,
But it came to a price.
their DNA changed ,there bodies become mutated and swelled .
Horendis to look at from what they used to be.

Their fingers melded together a 2 toed 2 finger entity that could live forever.
because of this they were cursed by there own hand.
They became immortal unable to die.
Page 15
They wanted to go back to the source of their origin.
Earth.
for them to live on a oxygen basses planets.
Now creating 51 soldiers.
but There was a second reason they wanted to help us.
Page 16
they wanted to kill us and take all our planets resources for their own world.
they believe we are to dangerous ,violent , and underdeveloped.
The eidolons want us coolinise and expand humanity.
show us the stars.
They want us to spread to planet to planet our race influences .
other races/planets so other races of celectal beings/aliens
would want to wipe us out .
They give the same type of knowledge to other countries to make their own 51 soldierss. so we would wipe eachother out.



NOW A GROUP BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION AND FOR A NEW WORLD ORDER RAN BY THE HAYDENS TO ENSLAVE US AND MAKE MONEY AND DESACRATE US.
A SECRET TERRORIST GROUP CALLED POISON.
Hayden wants to rule the whole world and universe.
They buy subliminal movies, and commercials music to brain wash people all over the world that they are in the right.
With fuel, gold, and technology.




Shot to -
John gram is in a hospital bed in the darkness.
It is 911 he wakes from a comma.
After his operation with the eidolons that enhanced him.
In shock and horror after he sees what he sees on TV.very confused where he is it is 20 years into the futer from the time he is from.
He tries to movie his finger .
A little twitch is made he passes out from weakness.
He is having nightmarish visions of aliens probing his body and robots injecting him and cutting his skull from him and examining his brain.
He can not take it anymore he wakes up screaming floating above his bed.
He can now move his body .
he crashes to his hospital bed.
Bruised And battered.
He struggles to get out of his bed.
He starts to run down the halls of the VA hospital
He can hear the screams of the victims 5 miles away .
He is running and he keeps picking up speed. He Is now leaping off of sidewalks on top of cars .
car to car till he gets where he needs to be.
Total destruction and anarcy people crying screaming .
He sees fire men going in the twin towers trying to save people.
He goes in the building the hole building starts to fall apart.
He gets a woman and a child out. He goes back in Barley holding on to the ceiling fighting to stay alive .
the hole building starts to completely rebel.
John dies in it.
Months later they find his body ,the NY fire department still intact UN decayed?
They take him back to the hospital morgue.
He wakes up in the morgue where am i? Who am i?
The aliens built the ultimate soldier every time he dies him body reboots, because of the commuter system in his mind and body.
The doctors of the morgue are screaming he walks out of his slab, looking like a zombie in the darkness with all his where and tear.
He Falls down, collapses.
The doctors call for help.
He wakes up again in the same hospital bed but with a new name the secret service gives him .
John McMillan
The us government has a secret meeting with him telling him who and what he is.
And what has happen .
and why he is 18 again.
He is in disbelief ,till he starts hearing his orders speaking to him telepathically.
They give him a uniform and new name all star.
He Decided to add a cape.
He said I have super human abilities I might as well look like a super hero.
On his red cape It reads might make right.
Because of his resurrection from the dead.
He relearns his albites and learns he can change the shape of his face and skin and shape shift even looking like other people.
To keep his secret.
He sees a a wrestler on TV with patriotic face paint with stars on him- .
He makes his own 2 stars on his face to cover his identity.
He is now complete.
He is all star.
issue 2
NO ONES QUESTIONS 911 THE WORST CASUALTIY TO HUMAN KIND.
PRESIDENT CLINTION MENTIONED PEOPLE NEW ABOUT IT BEFORE IT WAS GOING TO HAPPENED.
IS THAT TRUE DID THE REPUBLICAN PARTY KNOW ABOUT THIS EVENT?
IT IS as a inside job someone was planning it the destroyed nation of America ?who Would do this to us why?
Population control, mind Thinking to control all of us to think in a certain way? Perhaps To mix our races into a mix that of early man. a race they could breed with of their origins.
The visitors claim they can purify us they claim threw genetics.
Cure our diseases if we clean our gene structure prevent disease and live forever.
That is the visitors problems they were us in our early age altering the gene of ageing and they became mutated large eyed big headed fatty looking.
The visiter speak we have come to save you and take you with a twinkling of a eye to the stars. To other universes ,but we need your help for our very planet is unhabitable for us we can not breath in our atmosphere.
We need to repopulate our species but our DNA is no longer reconcilable to our origins ,we need to rejoin humanity.
Yes we were the original humans we found away billions of years ago how to clone our selves clone lost body parts and prevent aging but it came at a cost ,our horrible mutation of our DNA it is why we have large minds our minds grew but our bodies became week and fatty looking.
We need you to service will you help us.
We can give you technology you only dreamed of and can take you to all the heavens.
Lost to humanity was the fact nature and god created all the races in his image for a reason the mixing of humanity was a way for the fallen angels to come back to gods good grace god was not expecting that so he flooded the earth in last earth age .the Visitors are fallen angels trying to deceive us to go back to heaven and take over heaven.
But we as humans subliminal programed to except the visiter haydens as friends.
They give us new foods and drinks to condition us but it is making us nice and docile .dumb numb to reality.
They Put humanity in camps to make us strong and more physically fit but it is only making us weaker and savage like.

CHRISTOPHERMARK570
06-27-2013, 11:23 PM
any help would be awsome!

Evan Henry
06-28-2013, 12:28 AM
I shan't sugarcoat it, but don't take it personally.

You need to learn to (in order of priority) spell, punctuate, and format. "i" should be "I", "mcfarlne" should be "McFarlane", "threw" should be "through", I assume "grown" is supposed to be "ground", "blond haired blue eyed" should be "blonde-haired, blue-eyed", etc. This is just way too horrible-looking for anyone to take a second look at, to be entirely honest. I can't get past the errors to figure out what the story even is.

Kurt Hathaway (Comics Commando) may have his script formatting guide available somewhere, but that's really, really, really, really far down on the list of things you need to brush up on. Acquire a copy of Strunk and White. Read it and re-read it until the thought of ending a sentence with a preposition makes you want to vomit in the direction of comma splices.

Magnus
06-28-2013, 12:21 PM
Like SuperMonkey said, you don't seem to know how to write properly. So start there.

Other than that, this is a mess of a post, and we can't grasp either format, length or whose story this is.

Until you can write down your whole story in one or two short paragraphs, you shouldn't even think about starting to script this.

Sorry, but that's the harsh truth.

:M:
www.magnus-aspli.com

ColbyAddison
06-28-2013, 05:49 PM
Ditto. It was extremely difficult to read THROUGH the whole thing. Learn the basics first.

As far as story goes, I'm not a fan. The pacing is all over the place. There doesn't seem to be any true logic in the world you are trying to build. It may be due to it being poorly written, but the concept itself seems like one of those cheesy syfy movies. That's just MY opinion though, a LOT of people seem to enjoy those things.

This seems to me to be more of a very rough IDEA of a story. In the right hands, I think you could possibly mold this into something a little more story structured. I would suggest finding a good writing partner. If you don't want to collaborate with another writer, then you need to learn the basics, and read as many scripts as possible.

Good luck to you, and don't give up.

Scribbly
06-28-2013, 08:39 PM
Agree with all of the above.
Is a very confusing melange of ideas and old clichés with not logic connection between them.
I hope you can get something good of it.

Lovecraft13
06-28-2013, 09:20 PM
CHRISTOPHERMARK570, let the ideas come. Write them all down. Finish your pitch. Grammar is an art that can be learned, practiced and mastered as you grow as a writer. Those ideas will be waiting for you when you're ready.

Comics Commando
07-01-2013, 02:31 AM
Kurt Hathaway (Comics Commando) may have his script formatting guide available somewhere...

=================

I do, so thanks for that!

You can contact me at:
khathawayart@gmail.com

And request the "comics format guide".....I get at least 3 requests a week these days.

It's free...so just fire me an email. The guide is a result of almost 30 years in the business with scripts on my desk that are difficult to read--to those that are a pleasure to read. My guide suggests how to make yours a pleasure to read--and not a chore for an editor to slog through.

About this post, though: I read the first few words and knew this poster didn't know how to communicate. Not trying to be mean, but writing is more than stringing words together. I'll go to my deathbed telling those who care that writing is CLARITY! Spelling, punctuation, grammar--is all part of that. Not to mention subtext, drama, etc.

Don't make your reader slog through your mistakes. Fix the mistakes and engage the reader. The harder you make the reader work--the more you lose your audience.


Kurt Hathaway
Cartoon Balloons Studio
khathawayart@gmail.com