PDA

View Full Version : Power Pals Origins


darkwriter
06-19-2013, 10:40 PM
well I had already started a script for the Power Pals a few years ago but I wasn't that happy with it so I have decided to start from scratch with a story about how RatBoy and Awesome-Lad first meet and form the team.

So to start off here are the first 4 pages of "Power Pals: Origins"


===== ===== ===== =====

PAGE ONE


PANEL ONE: Establishing night time shot of Gothtropolis city. It is a sprawling metropolis with seemingly endless skyscrapers spreading towards the horizon.

CAPTION: Gothtropolis City


PANEL TWO: A street in downtown Gothtropolis. To the left a jewellery store's window has been smashed open, we can see the leg of someone climbing into the building

THIEF ONE (from window): Just grab whatever. We need to be out of here in two.


PANEL THREE: We are now inside the store facing the window. There are two men in the store wearing black jackets and balaclavas. One of them (Thief One) still has his leg in the window continued from the last panel. Thief two is shining a flashlight over a row of display cabinets ro the right of the panel

THIEF ONE: Forget the small stuff, grab the big rocks they're probably worth more.

THIEF TWO: Yeah yeah. Aren't you supposed to be keeping an eye out for the cops instead of telling me what to do?


PANEL FOUR: Same view as the last panel except that Thief One is now fully in the store while Thief Two is smashing a display cabinet to the right of the panel

THIEF ONE: Just hurry up. The cops are not the only thing to worry about these days

THIEF TWO: What? You talking 'bout that Rodent Kid or something. It's just a punk in a bad halloween costume

THIEF ONE: I heard he took out seven guys over the weekend.


PANEL FIVE: Same panel again. Thief one is still in the same spot while Thief Two is pushing a handful of necklaces into a bag, some of which are spilling on to the floor. Behind Thief One outside the window we can see the nose cone of the “Rat Plane”

THIEF TWO: You worry too much. Anyone ever tell you that?



PAGE TWO


PANEL ONE: Outside the store we can clearly see the “Rat Plane”. It is a sleek black vehicle hovering teen feet above the ground through the aid of thrusters on the bottoms. From the angle we are looking we can clearly see that it's overall shape somewhat resembles a rat with the four “landing feet” being designed to resemble the small front legs and large back legs of a rat. The shadowy figure of RatBoy is climbing out of the open cockpit.



PANEL THREE: Closer on Thief One. The top of the bag is now level with his nose and mouth.

THIEF ONE: Man this thing is heavy

RATBOY (OFF PANEL): Want me to hold that?


PANEL THREE: Closer on Thief One. The top of the bag is now level with his nose and mouth.

THIEF ONE: Look kid just forget what you saw before things turn bad for ya.


PANEL FOUR: The bag now at waist height, Thief One is face to face with RatBoy. RatBoy is a fourteen year old teenage boy of medium build and as tall as the thief's shoulders. He is dressed in a black armoured costume with a mask that hides everything but his mouth and chin area. It also has large rat like ears on the mask colored a dark pink while on the back, attached at the base of the spine, is what appears to be a segmented metal “tail” that is colored the same kind of pink. On his chest is a yellow image in the shape of a rat with it's tail under the body

RAT BOY: Turn bad?

RAT BOY: They already have.


PAGE THREE


PANEL ONE: Back inside the store RatBoy is flying backwards through the broken window

SFX: WOOOMP


PANEL TWO: Thief Two is staring down at RatBoy who is currently on his back on the floor.

THIEF TWO: Don't tell me this is that Rodent Kid that everyone is so afraid of?

RATBOY: Just put the stuff back before I get nasty

THIEF TWO: He looks like a wimp.



PANEL THREE: RatBoy is on his hands and knees as he tries pick himself up. Thief Two has one foot in the air held ominously over RatBoy's back.

THIEF TWO: I used to crush vermin like this back in my old job.

RATBOY: I said put the jewellery back.



PANEL FOUR: Thief Two has stamped down hard on RatBoy's back forcing him back to the ground. There is a crazed look in the thief's eyes.

SFX: STOMP!

PANEL FIVE: Again RatBoy is on his hands and knees. Thief Two is a few steps back.

THIEF TWO: Hey man, get a load of this kid.

RATBOY: I won't warn you again.

THIEF TWO: He's got guts. I'll give him that.



PAGE FOUR


PANEL ONE: Thief Two's left leg is swung right back as he aims a kick towards RatBoy's stomach. RatBoy's head is turned towards his attacker.

THIEF TWO: This should get him out our way.


PANEL TWO: RatBoy's mechanical tail has wrapped tightly round Thief Two's kicking leg

THIEF TWO: WHAT THE...???

RATBOY: You should have listened when I was playing nice.



PANEL THREE: RatBoy is now crouced, his back straight. His tail still has a hold of the Thief Two's leg forcing the man to hop on one leg

THIEF TWO: Yo man get back in here and get this thing off my leg

THIEF ONE (OFF PANEL): I'm coming.


PANEL FOUR: RatBoy is now on his feet. His tail is holding the man's leg even higher. Thief Two is close to flling backwards. Behind RatBoy we can see Thief One looming ominously with a metal bar raised above his head.

RATBOY: You sure this is the way you want it?

RATBOY: Okay.

darkwriter
06-20-2013, 01:14 PM
here are the next 4 pages where we conclude RatBoy's dramatic introduction to the series. Any comments or crits are both welcome and appreciated

==== ==== ====

PAGE FIVE


PANEL ONE: RatBoy has turned and swung a punch at Thief One who in turn has easily dodged it. At the same time this has caused Thief Two to go into a painful front splits.


PANEL TWO: Thief One has grabbed RatBoy by the shoulders

THIEF ONE: Come here ya little brat.

PANEL THREE: Thief One looks furious as he has RatBoy pinned against the wall, his arm pressed against the teenage heroes throat.

THIEF ONE: Lets see you act tough when I choke the air outta ya.

RATBOY: Got you where I want you.

THIEF ONE: Whatever kid.

PANEL FOUR: RatBoy has kicked the man in the front of the leg just below the knee. The man's leg has snapped back at a weird angle and there is now a bone protruding.

SFX: KERRACK

THIEF ONE: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!



PAGE SIX


PANEL ONE: Thief One is lying on the ground in a foetal position, holding his broken leg up against his chest with both hands.

THIEF ONE: Son of a … he broke my leg.

PANEL TWO: Looking from behind Thief Two's head. Thief One can be seen on the floor holding his leg. Behind him is a deep dark shadow in the middle of which are the two white glowing eyes of RatBoy. For a kid in a costume he looks absolutely terrifying.

THIEF ONE: God my leg, my leg.

PANEL THREE: back outside in the street looking at the store. Thief Two is leaping through the window. His eyes are wide with fear.

THIEF TWO: Sorry man I'm outta here.

PANEL FOUR: Closer on the store window. RatBoy is standing facing us, a stern look on his face. His left hand is holding a small black box up to his mouth.

RATBOY: Send the Rats. Pursuit and Capture mode. Minimum Damage



PAGE SEVEN


PANEL ONE: Wide shot of the street. Thief Two is running away from us in the distance. But our eyes are drawn to the Rat Plane. A hatch has opened from underneath and around one hundred small black robotic rats with glowing red have begun pouring out onto the street below like something from a horror film.

PANEL TWO: Thief Two is running towards us. Behind him we can see the Rat Plane and the army of robotic Rats swarming towards him.

PANEL THREE: Close on several of the Rats. Their mouths have opened and metal tendrils are now whipping out of them like obscene silver tongues.

PANEL FOUR: Another wide shot of Thief Two falling to the ground into a sea of robotic rats.. Several of the rats have wrapped their “tongues” around his legs tightly while others have already began to swarm over his still falling body.

THIEF TWO: YAAAAAA



PAGE EIGHT


PANEL ONE: RatBoy is stood over Thief Two who is now wrapped head to foot in a thin metal cable. He is looking up at RatBoy with fear in his eyes.

RATBOY: You should have put the stuff back when I said

RATBOY: Oh and the name is not Rodent Kid. It's 'RatBoy'.

PANEL TWO: Close on RatBoy, the Rat Plane in the background behind him.

MAX (OFF PANEL): Young master my sensors indicate that local law enforcement are on the way. I think perhaps it is time for us to leave.

RATBOY: Coming Max.

CAPTION: MAX – The Rat Networks central AI system

PANEL THREE: The Rat Plane is now high above the street. Down below we can see three police cars have pulled up to the scene, one of them right next to Thief Two who is still tied up in cables.

MAX (FROM PLANE): Cloaking mode enabled sir.

RATBOY: Good. Now lets go home, I have school in the morning.

darkwriter
06-21-2013, 01:02 PM
well the finished 22 page script for the first issue of Power Pals has been submitted to The Proving Grounds and I honestly can't wait to see what they have to say about it.

In the meantime, for any readers here who are interested in how the plays out...

==== ==== ====

PAGE NINE (One Panel)


PANEL ONE: We are in outer space looking at a small blue planet which looks not too dissimilar to our own Earth. A single small moon can be seen just to the left of the planet. We can also see several small space stations orbiting the planet but we are too far away to see any fine details on them.

CAPTION: A small planet approximately eight thousand miles wide and weighing around six sextillion ton. It's surface is roughly seventy percent water. It has a single moon and is the third planet it it's solar system, all of which orbit a single yellow star. With so many similarities this planet could easily be mistaken as Earth

CAPTION: But this is not Earth

CAPTION: This is Boron.




PAGE TEN (Four Panels)


PANEL ONE: It's a bright sunny day. We are looking at a small suburban-esque street filled with Dome shaped houses. Each one has purple grass on their front lawn which are in turn surrounded with small silver picket fences. A group of Boronian children are throwing a ball around while a young adult couple are walking together down the street. The Boronians themselves are a bipedal people with bright green skin, no hair and a single antenna in the middle of their head which ends in a small sphere. Their heads are larger in comparison to a human's with larger eyes, no ear lobes and wide cheeks and nose which form a kind of muzzle not to unlike a frog's. Their hands are also slightly larger then a humans and only have three fingers and a thumb. Their clothes are skin tight and resemble something like a wetsuit.

(Awesome-Lad image for Reference of typical Boronian appearance) – note: large “buck” teeth is not a typical trait for Boronians that is just something AL has


PANEL TWO: Inside one of the Dome Houses. Kel-Al, a fourteen year old Boronian teenager, is sat facing away from us as he looks out of a window at the kids playing in the street. Two large silhouettes stretch towards him.

ROJ-AL (OFF PANEL): Look it's for the best Klara-Al.

KLARA-AL (OFF PANEL): Why is it? He should be here with us, not the other side of the universe.

PANEL THREE: Roj-Al and Klara-Al, the father and mother of Kel-Al are sat at a table facing each other. Each has a single hand placed on the table, almost touching but not quite. Behind them we can still see Kel-Al staring out of the window.

KLARA-AL: You're ashamed of him aren't you? That's why you're sending him away.

ROJ-AL: Of course I'm not. How could I ever be ashamed of him? He's my son.

KLARA-AL: Then why Roj-Al, why are you sending him to earth?

PANEL FOUR: Same as above except now Roj-Al's hand is on top of Klara-Al's

ROJ-AL: You've babied Kel-Al too much Klara-Al, never letting him out of the house to play and fussing all over him as you have. The kid's afraid of everything and it's not good for him.




PAGE ELEVEN (One Panel)


PANEL ONE: Closer on Kel-Al as he looks out of the window. Through the window we can see one of the kids is smiling and waving at Kel-Al

KLARA-AL (OFF PANEL): But what if people find out who he is? You had enemies on earth

ROJ-AL (OFF PANEL) : No, Captain Awesome had enemies and that was years ago.

PANEL TWO: Back with Roj-Al and Klara-Al sitting at the table. Kel-Al is now stood up and facing us, his most striking feature (apart from being green of course) are two large front teeth that stick over his bottom lip

ROJ-AL: Besides even if people do realise who he is you are forgetting the very reason I am sending him to earth.

KLARA-AL: I know what you're going to say so just don't

ROJ-AL: Here he can be hurt. On Boron he is mortal. But out in space. On earth..

PANEL THREE: Kel-Al's bedroom. It is a typical teenage boys bedroom. There is a single bed in the middle shaped like an oval, a desk with a computer to one side and the walls are covered in posters. Kel-Al is lying on his bed looking up at the ceiling.

ROJ-AL (OFF PANEL): …Kel-Al will be invulnerable




PAGE TWELVE (Four Panels)


PANEL ONE: Kel-Al, Roj-Al and Klara-Al are stood in front of a large building resembling an airport surrounded by a large crowd of Boronians who are entering and exiting the building. It looks very busy. A sign above the door reads “SPACEPORT SHUTTLE”

KLARA-AL : I don't think he should go. What if the Trents don't like him?

ROJ-AL : You kidding. Margaret and Jack will take great care of him. Back when they were the heroes Sparrow and Crow, before they got married, they were two of only five people I told my true name to.

PANEL TWO: Inside the bustling building, looking towards the entrance. Crowds of Boronians of different ages and group sizes can be seen going about their business. Kel-Al's family are in the centre of the panel walking in to all of this. Kel-Al is in between his parents holding on to each of their hands. He looks terrified.

ROJ-AL: I trust them with my life and I trust them with my son.


PANEL THREE: Roj-Al is stood at a counter facing a young female Boronian in a dark blue suit. Her name tag reads BEV-LEE

ROJ-AL: Three open returns to the space station please. Two adults and one child.

BEV-LEE: Certainly sir. That will be three hundred credits please. If you have any luggage please take it to the weighing station just to the right there.


PANEL FOUR: Bev-Lee hands Roj-Al the tickets while Roj-Al places the money on the counter.

BEV-LEE: Here you go sir, shuttle number seven-two-one leaving at gate number five. You have one hour until departure.





PAGE THIRTEEN (Five Panels)


PANEL ONE: On the space station looking at a landing pad where we can see shuttle nine-oh-nine coming in to land. Two Boronians are holding up lights as they help to guide the shuttle in. What is most noticable is that they are hovering in mid air


PANEL TWO: On the shuttle we can see rows of seats. To the left we can see the Al family sat together with Kel-Al in the middle. He is holding his hands to the side of his head and his eyes are tightly shut. He looks frighetened and in pain

KEL-AL: Dad make them stop. Make them stop


PANEL THREE: Closer on the family. Roj-Al is gently pulling Kel-Al's hands from the side of his head.

ROJ-AL: Listen son, listen. You've been trained for this, you know our senses get better when we leave our planet. You have to focus. Breathe and focus.

KEL-AL: But it hurts. There's too much noise. There's too much.


PANEL FOUR: Roj-Al are on top of Kel-Al's hands which in turn are on top of Kel-Al's lap. Kel-Al's eyes are still closed tightly.

ROJ-AL: I know it's scary the first time. The training helps but until you get here and feel it. Just take your time and focus.


PANEL FIVE: A stewardess is now stood next to the family. Roj-Al still has a hold of his son's hands while Klara strokes the back of her son's head.

STEWARDESS: Is everything okay here sir?

ROJ-AL: We're fine. It's just this is his first time off world.

STEWARDESS: Oh I see. Not used to the improved seeing and hearing? Well take your time. We are not scheduled to return for several hours yet.

darkwriter
06-21-2013, 01:03 PM
PAGE FOURTEEN (Three Panels)


PANEL ONE: Establishing shot of the space station as seen from space. Dozens of Boronians are flying to and from the space station, none of them are wearing any space suits of any kind.

PANEL TWO: on the space station Kel-Al and his parents are looking up at the stars.

ROJ-AL: Okay dear I'll just drop Kel off with Margaret and Jack and be back in a few hours. Kel-Al.

KEL-AL: Yes?

ROJ-AL: You did remember to pack the holowatch my friend Xander made for you?

KEL-AL: Yes


PANEL THREE: Large panel showing Kel-Al and Roj-Al flying away from the station and into deep space.

SFX: THWOOOM



PAGE FIFTEEN (Five Panels)


PANEL ONE: A school classroom back on earth. Miss Tabbs , a middle aged woman in a flowery dress is writing sums on the board. The children are barely paying any attention to her as they throw rolled up bits of paper around, pass notes or lean over desks to talk to each other. One kid in the middle, just to the right of a blonde haired boy in a sports jacket, has his head down and looks like he is actually doing some work. This is Luke Payne, the alter ego of RatBoy. The desk behind him is currently empty

CAPTION: GOTHTROPLIS HIGH – 10:30 AM

PANEL TWO: Miss Tabbs has turned to face the class. Her arms are folded across her chest and her face is very serious.

MISS TABBS: I suggest you all sit down and pay attention or it is three weeks detention for all of you.

PANEL THREE: Closer on Luke Payne who is still looking down at the desk as he scribbles something on a piece of paper. Miss Tabbs is looming over him.

MISS TABBS: Is my maths too simple for our resident genius? Does he think he is too good to pay attention?

PANEL FOUR: Luke is now looking up at Miss Tabbs. Miss Tab's hand is on his desk, resting on top of the piece of paper.

LUKE PAYNE: Yes. I mean no. I mean.

MISS TABBS: What do you mean mister Payne?

LUKE PAYNE: I mean the maths is too easy but I can pay attention if you want.


PANEL FIVE: Miss Tabbs has picked up the paper and is looking at it. She looks confused.

MISS TABBS: Yes I do want. Now what is this?

LUKE PAYNE: Nothing Miss Tabbs. It's just an idea I had for a new toyline.




PAGE SIXTEEN (Five Panels)


PANEL ONE: Miss Tabbs walks away from Luke with the piece of paper in her hand. The kids are looking at him with big grins on his face.

MISS TABBS: Now if you show me I have your undivided attention Luke you can have this back at the end of the day.

LUKE PAYNE: Yes Miss Tabbs.

PANEL TWO: The blonde haired boy, a kid named Ryder Thompson, leans across his left hand up against his mouth as he whispers to Luke

RYDER THOMPSON: Creating yourself a new girlfriend eh rich boy? Not even enough money to get the girls to look past that face?


PANEL THREE: Looking from behind Miss Tabbs who is staring straight at Luke and Ryder.

MISS TABBS: Ryder Thompson kindly sit straight in your seat. Oh ans see me after school for one hour of detention.

PANEL FOUR: Closer on Ryder and Luke. Ryder's head is now turned towards the front of the class.

RYDER THOMPSON: Whatever.

PANEL FIVE: Ryder has turned to once more face Luke

RYDER THOMPSON: Just wait till I get out

MISS TABBS (OFF PANEL): Make that two hours. Would you like to try for three?



PAGE SEVENTEEN (Four Panels)

PANEL ONE: The class door has been opened and a young woman with red hair is stood in the frame looking at Miss Tabbs who is in the middle of writing more sums on the board

WOMAN: Excuse me Miss Tabbs, can I have a word

PANEL TWO: Miss Tabbs walks towards the door which is being held open by the red haired woman.

MISS TABBS: Sure. What do you need?

PANEL THREE: With Miss Tabbs out of the class the kids have gone back to amusing themselves as they had before.


PANEL FOUR: A young boy with dark brown hair, wearing a red jacket and black jeans walks into the classroom closely followed by Miss Tabbs. He looks very nervous. What is most noticable is the two large front teeth. This is Chris Trent, the human disguise of Kel-Al

MISS TABBS: Well class, seems like we have a new student joining us today.



PAGE EIGHTEEN (Five Panels)

PANEL ONE: Chris Trent is stood in front of the class staring at everyone. He looks terrified. Miss Tabbs is stood next to him with a hand on his shoulder.

MISS TABBS: Well. Chris Trent is it? Would you care to tell us about yourself?

CHRIS TRENT: My...my...my name...my name is Ke...Kel...I mean...Chris...Chris...My name is Chris.

PANEL TWO: All the kids but Luke are laughing hard.

RYDER THOMPSON: You sure it isn't P...p...p...Porky?

PANEL THREE: Miss Tabbs has fixed Ryder with a stern look

MISS TABBS: Okay mister Thompson, you just made it one hour detention each day for one week.

RYDER THOMPSON: Don't care. I have nothing planned anyway.

PANEL FOUR: Miss Tabbs is leaning over Chris Trent pointing at the empty desk behind Luke

MISS TABBS: Why don't you go sit behind Luke there and just do the best you can. I would suggest you ignore mister Thompson over there, he has appointed himself the class clown even though he is sorely lacking in a sense of humor.

PANEL FIVE: Chris is sat behind Luke. Luke's head is turned to look over his shoulder at Chris.

LUKE PAYNE: New in town are you?

CHRIS TRENT: Ye...yeah I am.

LUKE PAYNE: Name's Luke. So your called Chris?

CHRIS TRENT: Ye...yes.



PAGE NINETEEN (Five Panels)

PANEL ONE: Outside the school facing the road. Luke and Chris are walking towards a small blue car. In front of the car are stood are middle aged couple. This is Jack and Margaret Trent.

LUKE PAYNE: These your folks?

CHRIS TRENT: No, my p...parents are out of town. This is my aunty and uncle. I'm staying with them for while.

PANEL TWO: Luke and Chris are now stood in front of the Trent's. Jack Trent is opening the rear door.

MARGARET TRENT: Have a nice first day Chris? I see you made a friend

CHRIS TRENT: Yes Mrs Trent. His name is Luke.

PANEL THREE: Chris climbs into the car while Margaret is looking down at Luke. She looks slightly puzzled.

MARGARET TRENT: You look familiar son. What did you say your name was again?

LUKE PAYNE: Luke ma'am. Luke Payne

PANEL FOUR: Close on Margaret and Luke. There is a big beaming smile on her face.

MARGARET TRENT: Payne? Not Xander Payne's boy?

LUKE PAYNE: Yes ma'am. Do you know my dad?

MARGARET PAYNE: Know him? Of course I do. He used to help out with something me and my husband used to do about fifteen years ago.


PANEL FIVE: Flashback of a man in a white lab coat. This is Xander Payne, father of Luke as he was 15years ago. Stood next to him are the younger versions of Margaret and Jack Trent in their superhero disguises of Sparrow and Crow. The are looking at a table which has a pair of man sized robotic wings spread out on it.

CAPTION (MARGARET): “Those were the days”



PAGE TWENTY (Four Panels)

PANEL ONE: Establishing shot of Saturn. The silhouette of something humanoid shaped can be seen flying past with it's arms outstretched

CAPTION: Meanwhile, approximately six hundred million miles away, something else is making its way to earth.

PANEL TWO: Closer on the figure. We can see that it is a bipedal shaped robot. This is MENTALOID

CAPTION: Mentaloid. Scourge of a thousand star systems and destroyer of countless worlds. It's mission is destructive. It's next target..EARTH


PANEL THREE: The Trent's car has pulled up in front of their house. It is small home with a well kept lawn and a small white fence around the border.


PANEL FOUR: Chris and the Trents are walking up the path to the front door.

MARGARET TRENT: Dinner will be in one hour Chris. So if you want to give your parents a call.

JACK TRENT: Just don't forget to tell your dad we said hi

CHRIS TRENT: Okay Mister Trent.

JACK TRENT: Just call me Jack. Oh and you better leave your watch on, we're expecting company tonight.



PAGE TWENTY ONE (Five Panels)

PANEL ONE: Night time above Gothtropolis City. The Rat Plane is hovering high above the buildings.

MAX: A silent alarm has been triggered on Tenth, would you care to investigate sir?

RAT BOY: Sure Max. Seems like it isn't going to be a boring night after all.

PANEL TWO: In the Kitchen of the Trent Family. Margaret is holding up an empty bottle of milk.

MARGARET: Chris dear would you go down the store and get me some more milk? Jack did show you were the store is right? Just take a few dollars from my purse.


PANEL THREE: In the living room Jack and Chris are sat on the sofa watching television.

JACK TRENT: You sure he should go? What if he gets lost?

MARGARET (OFF PANEL): Lost? Honey he can see through mountains if he wanted to.


PANEL FOUR: Same as before except now Margaret is stood next to the sofa with the empty milk bottle by her side. Chris is looking at Jack and Margaret. He looks very nervous

MARGARET TRENT: Besides nothing will happen to him. Even if it did it's not like anything could hurt him.

JACK TRENT: That's true. Chris do your aunt Margaret a favor son and go get the milk. There's a good lad.

PANEL FIVE: Chris is walking down the street. His hands are clenched tightly together and his eyes are looking off to the side. Sweat is pouring down his head.

CHRIS TRENT (THINKING): I don't like it here. I want to go home. I want my mom.



PAGE TWENTY TWO (Six Panels)



PANEL ONE The Rat Plane is hovering a few feet above a street right outside a Grocery Store.

CAPTION: Just three blocks from the Trent Residence


PANEL TWO: Chris is walking away from us. He is approaching a corner. A sign shows he is about to turn on to “Tenth Street”


PANEL THREE: Back outside the grocery store. Five men in skull masks are running out of the store. They each have a gun in one hand and a load of bank notes in the other. One of the robbers is firing shots back into the store.

SFX: BANG BANG BANG

PANEL FOUR: Four of the robbers are running up the street away from us straight towards Chris who is coming around the corner.

GANG LEADER: Who the hell is that kid?

GANG TWO: What are those things?

GANG LEADER: Just shut up and run.

PANEL FIVE: The Gang Leader has noticed Chris and is now heading straight towards him.

LEADER: Looks like we have a way out of this after all.

PANEL SIX: Close on the Gang Leader who has an arm around Chris's neck, his gun placed at the teenagers temple.

GANG LEADER: Okay rodent. One step towards us and this kid is not gonna be having a fun night. Ya dig?

CAPTION: A life time of bad decisions. Choosing this kid has a hostage is no doubt his worst one yet

CAPTION: … To be continued.

darkwriter
06-25-2013, 02:59 PM
so any thoughts, comments, crits or complaints? I promise I won't get angry or upset it just seems a shame that the writer forum is so epically dead now.

When I first joined DW this was quite a lively place with tons of new scripts and activities each week. Now...deader then a dodo who has been killed stuffed, mounted and then shot again

Comics Commando
07-01-2013, 02:34 AM
Learn how to use a comma....it's hard to read when you don't use the basics. FYI---Don't get your punctuation cues from Facebook--or even here. Learn your craft.

Kurt Hathaway
khathawayart@gmail.com

darkwriter
07-01-2013, 05:48 PM
I don't get my punctuation cues from Facebook. I bloody hate Facebook and think that every single last person on it is quite damn sad.

Comics Commando
07-03-2013, 01:03 AM
I'm not a facebook fan myself, but the point I was making was that any idiot on facebook can write anything with no regard for grammar, punctuation, subtext, etc. And that's not just facebook--that's the internet in general. Seriously, though, if you want to be taken seriously as a writer, ya gotta learn the basics. With regard to the comma, the example I use most is:

Shoot John!

--and--

Shoot, John!

are two different sentences with two different meanings.. The comma makes the meaning different.

Another favorite is:

Let's eat Grandma!

--or--

Let's eat, Grandma!


Anyone reading those who can't see the difference, then you need to bone up on punctuation. This is basic 8th-grade stuff. There are actual readers out there--and they are your audience.

I recommend the book Elements of Style. Dry reading? Sure--but it will educate those who read it--and make them more of a "writer" than they are now.

Kurt Hathaway
khathawayart@gmail.com

Comics Commando
07-03-2013, 01:08 AM
Also--anyone interested:

I've put together a Comics Format guide PDF that's free to anyone who asks. I made this offer on another site awhile back, and I get at least 3 requests a week.

It won't teach you writing, per se...too many books on that subject already. My guide is about formatting your script to maximize clarity and editor response.

There's also a section on common mistakes--like the basic comma--which made me think of it.

As I said, it's free.

Just email to request it.

khathawayart@gmail.com




Kurt Hathaway
khathawayart@gmail.com

darkwriter
07-03-2013, 09:14 AM
hmm looking back over my script I honestly don't see anywhere that needs a comma that doesn't have a comma.