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Bradley golden
05-24-2013, 12:25 AM
This is 5 page sample script.

Bradley golden
60 golden lane
Pontotoc, ms 38863
(662)419-3660



Title: code name authority
Issue: 0

Page one:(four panel page)

Panel one:
Medium shot. We see what looks like new York, but it is like a war zone. We see blown up sky scrapers, dark sky's and its pouring down rain.

1. Caption: 2235
2. Caption: Sector B, Old City

Panel two:
We pull in to street level. We now see the mean streets of new York. Well, whats left of it. We see trash in the street,broken windows, shot up , blown up rusty cars and mud from years of constant rain.

3. Caption: I know what you thinking. What happened to this place? All i know is the government started shooting and people started running and dying.

Panel three:
Extreme close-up shot. We see a 10 year old, homeless girl running with a torn up teddy-bear down a dark ally with barrels on fire. She steps on a water puddle. Its still raining.

4. Caption: I was only five then. And the so called superheros were being hunted and killed.

Panel four:
Medium shot. We see the little girl crawling through a space in an iron door. Getting out of the rain.

5. Caption: Now there are only a few of them left.















Page two:(Full-page splash)

Birds eye view. This is the establishing shot. This should show how decollete and run down the city really is. We see paragon flying around during the constant rain storm. We see lighting as well.

1. Caption: Most of the heroes are dead, some have formed alliances. While others are trying to destroy the world.

2. Fx: KRRAAKKLEE

3. Caption: A villain named juicer pretty much owns this place.

4. Caption: His crime organization, have even the heroes scared to come here alone.




























,



Page three:(four panel page)


Panel one:
Medium shot. We see the little girl walking around a dark empty apartment building. There is a little light. She is holding on to teddy tighter.

1. Girl: i-its going to be ok teddy. "Hey wont find us in here.

Panel two:
We see the little girl, crouched behind an old desk. Over her shoulder we see two figures holding makeshifts lights looking for her.

2. Figure 1: SHE CAME DOWN THIS WAY!
3. Figure 2: ARE YOU SURE!
4. Figure 1: POSITIVE!
5. Figure 2: ok, LET'S keep going.

Panel three:
Extreme close up. We see the girl peeking from behind the desk.

6. Off panel: little bitch think she can steal money from me!

Panel four:
We see a shot down the hallway. We see the little girl trying to sneak out in the foreground while we see the two guys steal looking for her.



















Page four:(five panel page)

Panel one:
We see the girl accidentally kick a nearby can.

1. Fx: KKLLIKK!

Panel two:
Medium shot. We see the figures turn around and shine the lights on her.

2. Figure 1: THERE. THERE SHE GO!!
3. Figure 2: NOW TED!!
4. Girl: AHHHH!!!!!

Panel three:
We see ted pulling the trigger on a revolver.

5. Fx: BBLAM! BLAMM!!

Panel four:
We see the thugs running with the girls bear.

6. Ted: COME ON. COME ON LETS GET OUT OF HERE!!!!

Panel five:
We see a shot of Paragon walking up in the background while we see the girl bloody hand in the foreground.



















Page five: ( two panel page)

Panel one:
Small panel. We see Paragon picking up the bloody girl.

1. Caption: DAMN!!! I was too late!
2. Caption: Shame!! How the old out last the young. Why? Why do the young suffer for our sins?!

Panel two:
Downward shot. We see him hugging the little girls lifeless corpse with tears in his eyes yelling a cry that would put fear in anyone.

3. Caption: Why?! I try so hard to do the right thing, to be that shining light in this time of darkness but people still get hurt!

4. Paragon: AARRHHHHH!!!!!!

Bradley golden
05-24-2013, 12:28 AM
I was just seeing if I still was any good at it. Haven't written a comic for 10 years. Trying to get back in it

Steven Forbes
05-24-2013, 02:36 PM
Hello, Brad.

If you don't get any response here, you might want to give ComixTribe's The Proving Grounds a look. You're guaranteed a response, with two editors (one being myself) looking over your script and giving you feedback.

Read a few entries (http://www.comixtribe.com/category/the-proving-grounds/) first, so you know what you're getting into, and then just follow the rules (http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/) to submit.

Good luck, and I hope to see you there.

-Steven

Rekter
05-24-2013, 09:41 PM
Okay, here's a few things.

1.) In the first panel, why is it split into 2 captions? What does "2235" mean? I assume it's part of the "address", in which case, it makes more sense to put them in the same caption. (Or is it actually the year? If so, you need to add "A.D" or something to make that more obvious.)

2.) What does the girl look like? What is she wearing? What color is her hair? If you put nothing down, you're giving the artist free reign to do anything they want, so make sure you're okay with that. (Also, sorry if this is being to nit-picky, but on a technical note, this panel isn't an "extreme close up". An extreme close up is much tighter, such as just the character's face or even just their eyes).

3.) Likewise, what does Paragon look like? What is he wearing? The reveal of this character is one of the most important parts in these 5 pages. (Also a formatting note: I would suggest CAPITALIZING the entirety of a name the first time the person appears in the script - that's movie script formatting anyways.)

4.) What exactly about the lights makes them "makeshift"? This needs more explanation for your artist.

5.) Just a general note on the last page, the whole "paragon crying out in anguish" thing feels very corny and over-the-top.

6.) And a general note on your whole script - try and proof-read. I understand that this may be something you just quickly wrote down and posted, but to others seeing your work, one thing that they're going to take away is "Oh, here's a writer who won't proof-read his work - do I really wanna work with this guy"? There were a lot of things even on the level of missed capitalizations that could have been caught with even an extra 2 minutes of work.

Overall, I thought this was a very cool idea, with the potential for an interesting story moving forward.

hellospaceboy
06-01-2013, 01:44 PM
I agree with the previous comment, I think that -as a writer- putting a script out with grammatical errors is pretty off-putting. I know it turned me off as soon as I started reading.

But the good new is that it's an easy fix!

Clockworm
06-04-2013, 02:18 PM
Hi, Bradley.

Here are a few notes on your script.


Page one: (four panel page)

Panel one:
Medium shot. We see what looks like new York, but it is like a war zone. We see blown up sky scrapers, dark sky's (Skies.) and its (It's.) pouring down rain. (All this in a medium shot? This is an establishing shot if I ever saw one.)

1. Caption: 2235
2. Caption: Sector B, Old City

(I'd reverse these captions. I feel it has a better flow that way. This is personal preference, though.)


Panel two:
We pull in to street level. We now see the mean streets of new York. Well, whats (What's) left of it. We see trash in the street,broken windows, shot up , blown up rusty cars and mud from years of constant rain.

3. Caption: I know what you (You're.) thinking. What happened to this place? (Break the next line into another caption.) All i (I.) know is (Comma.) the government started shooting and people started running and dying. (This is a character speaking from within the story. Attribute it to that character e.g. Caption (Character's name):. That'll tell the letterer to differentiate it from narrator captions such as your location caption.)

Panel three:
Extreme close-up shot. We see a 10 year old, homeless girl running with a torn up teddy-bear down a dark ally with barrels on fire. She steps on a water puddle. Its still raining. (You're not going to get this into an extreme close-up. An extreme close-up focuses on one part of the body, usually the eyes if not otherwise specified. This needs to be a wide shot. Also, is she running away from the camera, or towards it, and what's her expression?)

4. Caption: I was only five then. (Comma instead of a stop.) And the so called superheros (Superheroes. Also, put it in quotes.) were being hunted and killed.

Panel four:
Medium shot. We see the little girl crawling through a space in an iron door. Getting out of the rain. (Crawling through a space? Does that mean the door is slightly ajar or that there's a hole in it?)

5. Caption: Now there are only a few of them left.

This page could do with a little more. One more panel, at least. There's no real page turner here. I'm not really liking the captions, either. You're telling the story, rather than showing it. It's the difference between being told something (telling), and actually being there to witness it (showing). The latter is much more poignant. I'm not saying we should see any of this; Having a character deliver this information organically is still showing.

Lastly, we should've seen the girl on panel two, just about to run into the alley. That'll give the reader a firm placement in the scene. For all they know, the alley could be somewhere else entirely. You could, of course, just cut straight to the alley.



Page two: (Full-page splash)

Birds eye view. This is the establishing shot. This should show how decollete (This isn't the word you're looking for.) and run down the city really is. (The first panel already did that.) We see paragon (I'll presume you've described this character on another page or document.) flying around during the constant rain storm. We see lighting (Lightning.) as well. (If this is bird's eye view, we're looking down onto him. All we can see is the top of buildings and Paragon's back. This doesn't make for a very interesting or dynamic splash.)

1. Caption: Most of the heroes are dead, (Stop instead of a comma.) some have formed alliances. While (Cut 'while'.) others are trying to destroy the world. (Heroes trying to destroy the world?)

2. Fx: KRRAAKKLEE

3. Caption: A villain named juicer (Juicer doesn't striker me a particularly villainous name. It's actually rather comical.) pretty much owns this place.

4. Caption: His crime organization, (Cut that comma.) have even the heroes scared to come here alone. (Awkward line. Rework it.)

Can't see the reason behind this splash. There's no dramatic reveal or foreshadowing. You've shown us what we've already seen in panel one. You're wasting space with this. Also, why introduce the girl and then cut away from her straight away?

The captions are continuing to throw me out of the story. I don't see what they have to do with anything. So far, all we've seen is a girl go into a building and a superhero flying. All of the story has already happened.



Page three: (four panel page)


Panel one:
Medium shot. We see the little girl walking around a dark empty apartment building. (Where in the apartment building? In the hallway between rooms, or actually in one of the rooms?) There is a little light. She is holding on to teddy tighter. (Vague? How is she actually holding it? Is it still in her hand or is she clutching it to her chest etc. What's her expression? Relief? Fright? Intrigue?)

1. Girl: i-its (I-It's.) going to be ok (Okay.) teddy. "Hey (They.) wont find us in here.

Panel two:
We see the little girl, crouched behind an old desk. (We should've seen that desk in the previous panel. Not showing it makes this a jarring transition. The desk has just sprung in from nowhere.) Over her shoulder we see two figures holding makeshifts lights looking for her. (What makes them figures? It can't be darkness, as they're holding lights. You need to describe them. Also, where are they? Stood just in front of the desk? In the background? I still don't know where we are inside the apartment building, either.)

2. Figure 1: SHE CAME DOWN THIS WAY! (If you want emphasis, underline. Capitals will get lost in the lettering process. Why is this emphasized anyway? Why is he shouting? So he can alert the girl to their presence?)
3. Figure 2: ARE YOU SURE! (Question mark. The emphasis is still out of place. It's making this seem comical, as if they're shouting at each other.)
4. Figure 1: POSITIVE!
5. Figure 2: ok, LET'S keep going. (Now I'm really confused. Why is 'Let's' emphasized? No. None of this works. Get rid of all the emphasis.)

Panel three:
Extreme close up. We see the girl peeking from behind the desk. (How can we see that with an extreme close-up? What's her expression?)

6. Off panel: little (Little.) bitch think she can steal money from me! (Question mark.) (Here's where you can use emphasis without it sounding silly.)

Panel four:
We see a shot down the hallway. (So we're in a hallway? The artist needs to know that a few panels ago.) We see the little girl trying to sneak out in the foreground while we see the two guys steal (Still.) looking for. (Where are the two guys? In the background looking the other way?)

You need to work on placing your characters into the scene. The artist has no idea where the characters are or where this is. You need to describe those figures, too.

This page has room for a lot more. It's bare. You could combine this page with page one quite easily, beefing up both pages in the process.



Page four: (five panel page)

Panel one:
We see the girl accidentally kick a nearby can. (What's the shot? Close up of the can?)

1. Fx: KKLLIKK!

(This panel works better as a page turner for page three.)

Panel two:
Medium shot. We see the figures turn around (Expressions?) and shine the lights on her. (She's not on panel if this is a medium shot.)

2. Figure 1: THERE. THERE SHE GO!! (Are they illiterate, or is this a misspelling?)
3. Figure 2: NOW TED!! (Seeing as though you've given this character a name, why don't you refer to him as such in the script?)
4. Girl: (This is from off-panel.) AHHHH!!!!! (Way too many exclamation marks. Makes this seem like an over reaction. Two at the max.)

Panel three:
We see ted pulling the trigger on a revolver. (Where did this revolver come from? It's just appeared.)

5. Fx: BBLAM! BLAMM!!

Panel four:
We see the thugs (You've referred to them as figures, guys and now thugs. Stick to one.) running with the girls bear. (Where?)

6. Ted: COME ON. COME ON (Cut this second 'Come on'.) LETS GET OUT OF HERE!!!! (Way too many exclamation marks.)

Panel five:
We see a shot of Paragon walking up in the background while we see the girl bloody hand in the foreground. (Where? Where is this? What's his expression? Where's he looking?)

How did the thugs know that Paragon was coming? How did Paragon know what was going on? Does he have super hearing? I don't know. This page has a little bit of content, at least.



Page five: (two panel page)


Panel one:
Small panel. We see Paragon picking up the bloody girl. (Expressions? Is she dead or just bloody? Where did the shot hit?)

1. Caption: DAMN!!! (Damn is a bit casual don't you think? You say damn when you drop something or lose your keys.) I was too late!

2. Caption: Shame!! (Shame? This dialogue is coming off as awfully tired and cliche.) How the old out last the young. Why? Why do the young suffer for our sins?! (Cliched drivel.)

(Why are these captions? They sound like spoken dialogue, not internal monologue.)

Panel two:
Downward shot. (Do you mean 'high shot'?) We see him hugging the little girls lifeless corpse with tears in his eyes yelling a cry that would put fear in anyone. (An expression!)

3. Caption: Why?! I try so hard to do the right thing, to be that shining light in this time of darkness but people still get hurt! (More cliched nonsense.)

4. Paragon: AARRHHHHH!!!!!! (Cut this.)


This will need a rewrite. Plain and simple. There's a lot of backstory here, but no actual story. All that stuff about the Juicer and the superheros being killed had no impact on the story whatsoever.

Your panel descriptions are very sparse. I wasn't sure who was where and what was who. Place you characters into the scene properly. Describe them, name them if applicable, and don't change how you refer to them. Put expressions in. At the moment, these people are emotionless.

Proof read. Not doing so it just amateur. Editors, artist and writers alike aren't going to give you the time of day otherwise. No one is going to take you seriously.

Your dialogue was extremely cliche. Read your lines out loud. It'll help you catch stuff that sounds wrong, cheesy or just plain awful. A couple of line in here made me physically cringe.

That "Why do the young suffer for our sins?!" line was just awful. I can see that this your theme. At least, this is the concept you're trying to communicate thematically. However, theme is subtext, written in the actions within your story. You don't have to spell it out. What you're doing here is slamming the reader in the head with a shovel when you want to whisper in their ear. This comes back to 'show, don't tell.' Let what happens be your thesis. Someone telling you about the dangers of traffic isn't anywhere near as effective as if you happen to be in a traffic accident. The danger is much more apparent firsthand.

This could be a good story with a poignant message. You just need to work at it.

That's all I've got for now.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Cheers
Liam

Found this critique helpful? I'm available to edit your script. (http://www.lhcomics.com/editing)