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spectre216
05-23-2013, 08:45 PM
Here is a two page script I finished earlier today. I was hoping to get some c&c on it if anyone has the time.


Page 1
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
Two men, a human (the right) and an elf (the left), hang chained to a brick wall behind them that is covered with small patches of dirt and moss. The brick itself is chipped, and the mortar holding it together is in poor shape. A snake crawls on the floor near the human. The human stands roughly 6 feet tall with mid-length blonde hair. His face is square, his nose is flat. He is wearing plate armor, including chest, shoulders, and wrists, while his legs are covered by leather pants and some hanging pieces of the chest guard. He is also wearing thick, leather boots. The elf stands only 5'4” and has shoulder length black hair, that his ears just poke through. His face is smooth and his eyes are large. Some might even call him beautiful. He is wearing a brown, leather vest and matching leather pants. His boots are thinner than the mans, but still made of leather. They look forward in disbelief towards what is happening in front of them.

Warlock (off panel): Now that you've been taken care of, no one stands in my way.

Panel 2
Medium-Close-Up
The warlock, an almost ancient looking man with long, white hair that is balding near the center, stands with his fist raised and clenched. His nose is long and hooked, with a large wart coming out from it. He has a victorious grin on his face that pushes a dirty beard and poorly kept mustache off to the side a little. His bony wrist can be seen, as the sleeve of his gray cloak has fallen down a little due to his upraised hand.

Warlock: I will sap your life force, and use it to call forth Gralmak, the Demon of the Flames. Then I will ask him to make me the most powerful warlock in all the world!

Panel 3
Wide-Shot
The warlock spreads his arms out, hands open, and lightning flies from them, causing the rest of the room to grow dark.

Warlock: Come forth, dark one. I offer you these two fools, so that you may grant my request.

Panel 4
Medium-Shot
The elf and the human stare at each other angrily, arguing with one another.

Human: You just had to stop and smell the roses.
Elf: It was a dying village.
Human: Yeah well now look at where your humanitarianism's gotten us.
Elf: You didn't seem to upset when you were boasting to the innkeepers daughter.
Human: That was different.

Paenl 5
Close-up
The elf stares back at the human as if he's making a joke.

Elf: What'd you tell her? “After I get back, i'll show you a broadsword.” How do you plan to do that when we're dead?

Panel 6
Wide-Shot
The lightning strikes the man and the elf, causing them to cringe in pain and scream. They pull the chains tight due to the great pain.

SFX: ZZZZZZZZZ
Human: Don't worry. Unlike you, I have a plan.



Page 2
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
The man hooks the snake on his foot, kicking it towards the warlock.

Human: Hyah!

Panel 2
Medium-Shot
The snake lands on the warlock's face, causing him to stumble back. As he stumbles, the lightning flies towards the ceiling.

Warlock: AGGGHHH!

Panel 3
Close-up
The lightning hits the rough, stone ceiling, causing large chunks of rock to fall from it.

Panel 4
Close-up
The warlock looks up at it terrified.

Warlock: NOOOOOOOOO!

Panel 5
Wide-Shot
The rocks fall onto the wizard, crushing him.

Panel 6
Wide-Shot
The man and elf look at the pile of rocks astounded.

Elf: I...I can't believe that that actually worked.

Human: Learn to have a little faith that one of us is qualified for this job.

Rekter
05-24-2013, 06:47 PM
Okay, so here are some quick thoughts.

First off, I would name your characters. Even if the audience won't know their names, letting the artist/other people know the names of your characters the first time is generally a good idea, and makes for a much easier time when writing the script. What are you going to write when your main characters come in contact with other humans/elves? You're going to need to name them eventually, so establish their names the first time they appear in the script. (On this note, minor characters, such as the warlock, don't necessarily need times, especially if they die within 2 pages).

Another thing I think needs to be cleaned up/clarified, is the first interaction between the human and elf. I can see what you're trying to do here, and agree with the general sentiment - but some of the phrases just feel "off". "Stopping to smell the roses" is generally used for when someone is kinda ambling along taking their time, but the elf's next sentence made it seem like he had an important purpose - he was trying to save a "dying town". What exactly is a dying town? Why does a dying town have an innkeeper's daughter who has time to flirt? Some ambiguity is alright, especially if you are planning to explain it all later, as I would assume you plan to do with this, but as I said, something about it didn't flow right for me.

When the lightning hits the man and the elf, you can't have them screaming in pain, and then talking in the same panel. It just doesn't work visually. You can have someone yell something at the attacker while they are being tortured, but I don't think that's what's happening here. Add another panel for the dialogue. In addition you say they "pull the chains tight". I thought they were "hanging from the chains"? If the chains are supporting them already, I'm not sure I see how much tighter they can get. I think that this is something the artist will have a hard time visualizing, and needs some more explanation.

Okay, now for the snake. I think the idea here is good, but it seems kinda... random that the snake is there in the first place. What about putting in some panels that establish it as the warlock's familiar or pet? Maybe it's at their feet because it's being employed as part of the torture. Just maybe try and think of a way to introduce and explain it organically, rather than having it there as something that exists to move your plot forward, and for no other reason.

The last general thing I'll say is that this type of thing is something we've seen a lot - a human/elf adventuring band, captured in the dungeon, evil warlock trying to summon demon gods, all of it - the thing that will make yours unique is the relationship between your main characters, and that is where you should put the lion's share of your writing effort. I can already see some of that relationship poking through, but I'd love to see even more of it in your opening pages. If, on the other hand, you think you're going somewhere REALLY unique and new with your story eventually, THAT's where you should start - otherwise you'll lose people in the first few pages when they write it off as just another generic fantasy/adventure webcomic. If you don't grab your readers with a unique world or characters within the first few pages, you're likely to lose them forever. Just something to think about.

I hope this helps a bit, and good luck moving forward!

spectre216
05-25-2013, 02:07 AM
Lot's of good advice. I've edited the script to try and include as much of it as I could. Do you think something like this works better?

Page 1
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
Two men, a human named Delvin (the right) and an elf named Trel (the left), hang chained to a brick wall behind them that is covered with small patches of dirt and moss. The brick itself is chipped, and the mortar holding it together is in poor shape. The floor is made of a similar, broken down brick. It has cracks and patches of dirt, but is covered by nearly a dozen snakes, all cobras of different colors, including one that crawls over the foot of Delvin. The Delvin stands roughly 6 feet tall with mid-length blonde hair. His face is square, his nose is flat. He is wearing plate armor, including chest, shoulders, and wrists, while his legs are covered by leather pants and some hanging pieces of the chest guard. He is also wearing thick, leather boots. The Trel stands only 5'4” and has shoulder length black hair, that his ears just poke through. His face is smooth and his eyes are large. Some might even call him beautiful. He is wearing a brown, leather vest and matching leather pants. His boots are thinner than the mans, but still made of leather. They look forward in disbelief towards what is happening in front of them.

Warlock (off panel): Now that you've been taken care of, no one stands in my way.

Panel 2
Medium-Close-Up
The warlock, an almost ancient looking man with long, white hair that is balding near the center, stands with his fist raised and clenched. His nose is long and hooked, with a large wart coming out from it. He has a victorious grin on his face that pushes a dirty beard and poorly kept mustache off to the side a little. He has a cobra tattooed on the middle of his forehead. His bony wrist can be seen, as the sleeve of his gray cloak has fallen down a little due to his upraised hand. He looks forward, towards the two companions chained to the wall.

Warlock: I will sap your life force and use it to call forth Gralmak, the Ancient Snake God. Then I will ask him to make me the most powerful Warlock in all the world!

Panel 3
Wide-Shot
The warlock spreads his arms out, hands open, and lightning flies from them, causing the rest of the room to grow dark. You can barely side of the room opposite Delvin and Trel, but it looks similar. Mossy bricks held together by old mortar. There are an empty set of chains hanging to the warlock's left.

Warlock: Come forth, dark one. I offer you these two fools so that you may grant my request.

Panel 4
Medium-Shot
Trel and Delvin stare at each other angrily, arguing with one another.

Delvin: You just had to get us involved in all this, didn't you?
Trel: We're heroes, we take care of these kind of people.
Delvin: Yeah? Well now look at where your heroism has gotten us.
Trel: You didn't seem to upset when you were boasting to the innkeepers daughter.
Delvin: That was different.

Panel 5
Medium-shot
Trel stares angrier at the Delvin.

Trel: What'd you tell her? “After I get back, I’ll show you a broadsword.” How do you plan to do that when we're dead?

Panel 6
Medium-shot
Delvin looks apalled that Trel would ever doubt him. Trel, however stares at him with a sarcastic smile, as if Delvin is all talk.

Delvin: You said we'd take care of it. One of us had to look like a hero.

Trel: Well, Mr. Amazing, let's see some of those heroics.

Panel 7
Wide-Shot
The lightning strikes the Delvin and Trel, causing them to cringe in pain and scream. They pull the chains horizontal, their backs arched as they pull forward from the attack.

SFX: ZZZZZZZZZ

Delvin and Trel: AAAAAGH!



Page 2
Panel 1
Medium-shot
Delvin and Trel sag back down, hanging once again. Thiers clothes and armor are singed and small puffs of smoke rise around them.

Delvin: Watch closely.

Panel 2
Wide-Shot
Delvin hooks the snake on his foot, kicking it towards the warlock.

Delvin: Hyah!

Panel 3
Medium-Shot
The snake lands on the warlock's face, causing him to stumble back. As he stumbles, the lightning flies towards the ceiling.

Warlock: AGGGHHH!

Panel 4
Close-up
The lightning hits the rough, stone ceiling, causing large chunks of rock to fall from it.

Panel 5
Close-up
The warlock looks up at the ceiling terrified.

Warlock: NOOOOOOOOO!

Panel 6
Wide-Shot
The rocks fall onto the wizard, crushing him. His arm is visible poking through the rubble.

Panel 7
Wide-Shot
Trel looks at the pile of rocks astounded. Delvin simply stares at Trel with a smug smile.

Trel: I can't believe that that actually worked.

Delvin: Learn to have a little faith that one of us is qualified for this job.

Trel: Well Captain Incredible, how do you plan on getting us out of here?

hellospaceboy
06-01-2013, 01:31 PM
The one thing that jumped out at me was that you have too many panels on each page. Try to keep it around 5 (6 is acceptable on occasion); for example, on page 1, panels 5 and 6 could easily be merged. Try to make your pages tighter.

I hope this helps, keep rocking!

Inkspot
06-15-2013, 06:49 PM
Some notes of my own, and in addition to Rekter's before the rewrite, ...

- If it's our right and left, then the elf comes first. If it's their right and left, mention it, or just say, "an elf, on the left, and a human, on the right, "

- "Here is the monologue where I explain everything I'm going to do, so that you have a solid plan of what you need to do to stop me! Mwa ha ha!"

- There are some weird pacing issues. The elf and the human are hanging up, they've already been "taken care of", the warlock fires lightning at them, they have THREE PANELS until lightning actually hits them? That is some painfully slow magic lightning.

If it began with the elf and human talking, and then it became apparent that they had been talking all through the warlock's speech, which you didn't really want to write anyway, only to have him spill out his plan as a last-ditch effort to get their attention and then electrocute them, you could shuffle around dialogue and panel descriptions, and still keep everything you already have written.

- Once again, there's some strange pacing happening with the snake. Play with the moment! The human's being electrocuted, but still has the wherewithal to kick a snake at the warlock. That's funny! But it's written with absolutely no joy and no comedic timing.

By expanding the sequence, you end up with three pages of material. The rocks falling on the warlock (who you suddenly change to a wizard) and the final exchange between the elf and the human.

- The characters have conflicting imagery about what happened to get them into this predicament because you don't know how they got there. Even if it's never discussed in length, or at all, there's got to be an in-story reason why they've found themselves strung up before this warlock.

- Also about the snakes, Maybe the warlock is invoking some kind of snake god? They're hung up in a temple full of snakes? Like the human, the elf, and the warlock, the snake has to be there for a reason. Otherwise, put an "In Case of Warlocks - Kick Snake" sign on him and make a joke that you can laugh at WITH your audience.


And some after the rewrite,

- I don't necessarily agree about the names. Skullkickers comes to mind, as does Fight Club, or Waterworld, or some better examples that I can't think of right now where the protagonist is simply "The Protagonist" and nobody bothers referring to them by given name.

- The Delvin. Delv-ster. El Delverino. Human adventurer. Makin' copies. Surrounded by a dozen snakes. No. DOZENS of snakes!

- Lots of "els" and "als" in your fantasy names. Be mindful.

- Their first lines of dialogue went from incongruous to bland and back to incongruous. Trel agreed to take care of the warlock, but Delvin was the one boasting about his skills?

- So, the warlock stopped firing at some point, right? Because he's firing, they're injured, Delvin does his whole snake trick, which could still use an extra panel or two for clarity, and the action cuts back to the warlock who is, still firing? What's he been aiming at if not Delvin and Trel?

- Trel's final line has good intentions, but it's a little melodramatic. Simpler is better. "We're still hanging from the wall of a snake god's temple, " "Oh yeah, "


It's pretty standard fantasy fare so far. Actually, it would make a great start for a D&D campaign as opposed to the traditional bar/inn setting. A group of warriors, not familiar with each other, wake up chained to a wall and being fired upon by a warlock or necromancer or evil sorcerer.

Finding out more about the characters and the world and what their actual mission is HAS to be your next step. And it has to happen soon. Otherwise, you're giving us the comic equivalent of a knock knock joke. Entertaining (debatably) for a minute, and then forgotten.

spectre216
06-17-2013, 06:34 PM
Here is a draft that I thought about today. I pushed the story to three pages, and tried to clean up the dialogue better and include some of the back story. I also changed some names and tried to shorten the end conversation like you suggested.

Page 1
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
Two men, a human named Delvin (the left) and an elf named Tren (the right), hang chained to a brick wall behind them that is covered with small patches of dirt and moss. The brick itself is chipped, and the mortar holding it together is in poor shape. The floor is made of a similar, broken down brick. It has cracks and patches of dirt. The Delvin stands roughly 6 feet tall with mid-length blonde hair. His face is square, his nose is flat. He is wearing plate armor, including chest, shoulders, and wrists, while his legs are covered by leather pants and some hanging pieces of the chest guard. He is also wearing thick, leather boots. The Tren stands only 5'4” and has shoulder length black hair, that his ears just poke through. His face is smooth and his eyes are large. Some might even call him beautiful. He is wearing a brown, leather vest and matching leather pants. His boots are thinner than the mans, but still made of leather. The two stare angrily at each other arguing.

Delvin: Just go through the door, he said. I checked for traps, he said. Nothing to worry about, he said.

Warlock (off panel): --rip the flesh from your bones.

Tren: It isn't my fault I can't sense magic!

Panel 2
Medium Close-Up
The warlock, an almost ancient looking man with long, white hair that is balding near the center, stands with his fist raised and clenched. His nose is long and hooked, with a large wart coming out from it, and he has a poorly kept mustache and long white beard. He has an angry expression on his face that wrinkles what little of his face isn't in aggravation. He has a cobra tattooed on the middle of his forehead. Under the baggy, gray cloak, he is very scrawny.

Warlock: Are you two even listening to me?

Tren (off panel): Hold on a second.

Panel 3
Medium Close-Up
Tren stares at Delvin angrily, using a chained hand to point in the direction of the warlock.

Tren: Besides, who's the one who said we would take care of this guy? Sure wasn't me? And we haven't even seen Gork since we got sucked through that portal, so you can't blame him.

Panel 4
Wide-Shot
The warlock spreads his arms out, hands open, and lightning flies from them, causing the rest of the room to grow dark. You can barely side of the room opposite Delvin and Tren, but it looks similar. Mossy bricks held together by old mortar. There are an empty set of chains hanging to the warlock's left.

Warlock: I demand silence!

Delvin (off panel): Shh. We're in the middle of something here.

Panel 5
Medium Close-Up
Delvin continues to stare at Tren angrily.

Delvin: You're the one who dragged us into that fishing village so you could sleep in a bed. If we'd just camped out, we could have avoided this stupid job and be a day closer to the capital.

Page 2
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
The warlock shoots lightning at Delvin and Tren, causing them to cringe in pain and scream. They pull the chains horizontal, their backs arched as they pull forward from the attack.

SFX: ZZZZZZZZZ

Warlock: I said Silence!

Delvin and Tren: AAAAAGH!

Panel 2
Mid-Shot
The warlock stares angrily at the two adventurers with his hands balled into fists.

Warlock: Do you not understand the severity of your situation? I will feed your souls to Adkark, the ancient god of serpents. In exchange, he will make me the most powerful warlock in the world.

Panel 3
Medium Close-Up
Delvin stares back at the warlock with his eyebrow arched in an unimpressed manner.

Delvin: Someone's getting a little over dramatic.

Panel 4
Wide-Shot
The warlock raises one of his hands and fires green lightning at the two adventurers who again scream in pain. He opens up his other hand and points it at the ground, where more green lightning strikes.

Warlock: Let's see you make jokes when I drain the life out of you!

Panel 5
Wide-Shot
The lightning stops as the floor is turned into dozens of cobras by the spell.

Warlock: Yes! Send me your soldier's my lord. Let me be your hand in this world!

Page 2
Panel 1
Wide-Shot
Delvin begins to flail about in a panic as he tries to kick snakes away from him.

Delvin: Ahhhh! Snakes! Get it off me! Get it off me!

Panel 2
The warlock raises his hand again to perform the spell again.

Warlock: Silence. This will be over soon.

Panel 3
Mid-Shot
Lightning flies from the warlock's hand in the direction of Delvin, who is still flailing.

Panel 4
Wide-Shot
A snake gets hooked by Delvin's foot, which kicks and sends the snake hurdling through the air.

Delvin: Ew! Ew! Ew!

Panel 3
Medium-Shot
The snake lands on the warlock's face, causing him to stumble back. As he stumbles, the lightning strikes towards the ceiling. This causes large pieces of the ceiling to fall towards the warlock.

Warlock: AGGGHHH!

Panel 6
Wide-Shot
The rocks fall onto the wizard, crushing him. His arm is visible poking through the rubble. Tren and Delvin stare at the pile of rocks astounded. The floor is returned to normal.

Delvin: Huh...Well that was easy.

Tren: Wait, did he have the keys to these chains?

Delvin: Dammit...

Inkspot
06-18-2013, 01:08 AM
This I like.

There are still a few grammatical things here and there, and The Delvin and The Tren still pop up on the first page, but it's kind of funny. I'd leave it in.

Why can't Tren sense magic? Can elves usually sense magic? Who was Gork? What happened to him? What was their actual mission and who sent them on it? Is Delvin's fear of snakes an Indiana Jones reference, or something else entirely? All questions you could answer if you continued, but this feels like a complete enough story. Bravo.

Re-check your panel-labeling. Page 1 has 5 panels. Page 2 has 5 panels. Page 3 has either five or six panels, but would probably be better at five. From the second Page 2 through the second Panel 3. The rocks on the wizard and them still hanging on the wall should come as the reveal of an even-numbered page. You get to the end of Page 3, the wizard's shooting at the ceiling, and you have to turn the page to see what happens next. Sorry for turning your two page script into four pages!

Again, great job. I want to see this when it's finished.