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Robert_Simpson
04-30-2013, 01:50 AM
This is a short pastiche of both the original pulp characters that were predecessors to modern superheroes as well as the superheroes themselves. If you take the time to check it out, I appreciate it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dsAiJrxTgGQ0jyFAMnhKkz_lW_QaHeOhhjhdOI9smaQ/edit?usp=sharing

Schuyler
05-03-2013, 02:03 PM
I am another writer so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.

First of all I really like the idea. Gods vs. superheroes. I also think your execution was cool because it is more dialogue driven than action driven.

A couple small things. The format is goofy and it is not even consistent throughout your script. There are spaces between panels and dialogue sometimes and not others.

I do not think you need to write WORD BALLOON for dialogue. You should write ATLAS: and we will know it is dialogue. For captions write CAP (Atlas): and we will know that is his caption. Also they should have quotes around any caption that continues the conversation. Otherwise it could be considered inner dialogue.

I think you should describe each character. I know they are iconic but they appear in many different ways. Many characters were obscure Marvel or DC characters. I read and collect comics and had to Google these people. That might just mean I am an idiot but I feel my point is still valid.

Lose the word "perhaps" before your panel descriptions. Someone had to beat that word out of me. If you have an incredible artist and you just make suggestions then that this awesome. If all you have is a script then tell us what happens and never make suggestions. If you find an artist you can tell them that they have more power than the script might suggest. Until that day you want to sound like you know exactly what happens and how.

I saved this for last because this is definitely an opinion.

I do not like how Atlas dies. The fire thing is cool, but you think they would need to napalm the guy. He gets gasoline poured on him and does nothing to defend himself. He flies in the beginning of the script. I would assume that as soon as he realized they were pouring gasoline on him he would go take a dip in the ocean.

I hope a real editor takes a look at your script. I just wanted to help if I could. I have been waiting for someone to look at mine and no one has said anything. (Perhaps this gives you another clue not to take me too seriously.)

Steven Forbes
05-03-2013, 08:35 PM
Hi!

You both could submit to The Proving Grounds at ComixTribe.com (http://www.comixtribe.com). There are two editors that go over every submission. Be sure to read the rules (http://http://www.comixtribe.com/columns/the-proving-grounds/submit/)before submitting. You might want to read some of the entries beforehand, too, so you can see what you're getting into.

We're running low on scripts, so the waiting list isn't that long right now. And as long as you follow the rules, you're guaranteed a response.

Hope to see you there!

-Steven (EIC of ComixTribe)

Robert_Simpson
05-04-2013, 04:27 PM
I am another writer so please take everything I say with a grain of salt.

First of all I really like the idea. Gods vs. superheroes. I also think your execution was cool because it is more dialogue driven than action driven.

A couple small things. The format is goofy and it is not even consistent throughout your script. There are spaces between panels and dialogue sometimes and not others.

I do not think you need to write WORD BALLOON for dialogue. You should write ATLAS: and we will know it is dialogue. For captions write CAP (Atlas): and we will know that is his caption. Also they should have quotes around any caption that continues the conversation. Otherwise it could be considered inner dialogue.

I think you should describe each character. I know they are iconic but they appear in many different ways. Many characters were obscure Marvel or DC characters. I read and collect comics and had to Google these people. That might just mean I am an idiot but I feel my point is still valid.

Lose the word "perhaps" before your panel descriptions. Someone had to beat that word out of me. If you have an incredible artist and you just make suggestions then that this awesome. If all you have is a script then tell us what happens and never make suggestions. If you find an artist you can tell them that they have more power than the script might suggest. Until that day you want to sound like you know exactly what happens and how.

I saved this for last because this is definitely an opinion.

I do not like how Atlas dies. The fire thing is cool, but you think they would need to napalm the guy. He gets gasoline poured on him and does nothing to defend himself. He flies in the beginning of the script. I would assume that as soon as he realized they were pouring gasoline on him he would go take a dip in the ocean.

I hope a real editor takes a look at your script. I just wanted to help if I could. I have been waiting for someone to look at mine and no one has said anything. (Perhaps this gives you another clue not to take me too seriously.)

Thanks for reading it and the response. I realize the format is pretty goofy and it's something I'll have to go back and revisit.

And I'll take your suggestion for "perhaps". This started as being written for an artist but unfortunately that fell through.

Again, thanks for checking it out!

Robert_Simpson
05-17-2013, 12:33 AM
And I took your format criticisms to heart and have been working on correcting it. Almost have it wrapped up!

Schuyler
05-17-2013, 11:50 AM
It is looking really good. I am glad that you put some of your character descriptions in the script it makes it easier for me to read, I do not know if that is true for others. It looks like you added some other stuff as well. Right on!

-Schuyler Van Gunten